- 2 days ago
Last Of The Summer Wines S01 Ep4 Spring Fever
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00:22It's no good.
00:26I've not got the knack.
00:31Why is Dad a better colour than mine?
00:33I'm not talking to you about washing.
00:35Well, he only asks Mrs Batty.
00:38Yes, and he only does it so he can talk about me knickers.
00:41He's got no shame.
00:42I'd dry him inside, but you never know when that insurance man's going to come.
00:47We're ready to rent.
00:51I don't believe it.
00:53Have you ever seen him lift a brush before?
00:55I need to rent, man.
00:56Yeah, man.
00:58He's going funny.
01:00I knew it had happened him living all alone.
01:03He wants home, hell.
01:05He's had one.
01:07He got a drunk on milk stout.
01:10Never dared send him one since.
01:18Oh, this is no job for a man.
01:22You need a woman about the place.
01:25I'll leave the husband, eh?
01:27I teach you me horse racing system.
01:29I take all me battles back.
01:32I know that's married, but I mean, it's not as if they like each other.
01:37Oh, I miss a woman, don't you?
01:39You'll not miss it in a minute.
01:41I'll give you a swipe of material if you come any closer.
01:44Right.
01:44You've had your chance to know about it.
01:46I'm going to brought a little something into your drab life.
01:49A little bit of magic.
01:50A little bit of magic like me washy.
01:55Oh, no, look, it's black.
01:58It was me father's, this watch.
02:01Never mind that.
02:02Look at the time.
02:03Railway company gave it to him.
02:05L-N-E-R.
02:06He's late, isn't he?
02:08He got this and a handshake from the district superintendent.
02:12A fellow with bad breath called Ibbotson.
02:15Never been as late as this, has he?
02:17Funny name for bad breath, Ibbotson.
02:20Oh, do stop regarding it frivolously.
02:23This could be serious.
02:24It is serious.
02:25There's nothing more serious than a railway steel watch,
02:28especially before the war.
02:29It came to me when he died.
02:32I gave his waistcoat with the sleeves to their earnest for his motorbike.
02:36All the same, I think we ought to look into it.
02:39In the name of common humanity,
02:40we can't just ignore the scruffy little twit.
02:42I'll say this for you, Cyril.
02:43You've never flinched from poking your nose into other people's affairs.
02:47From the highest possible motives.
02:48Suppose he's just lying there.
02:50How's he going to reflect on us at the inquest
02:52if he's been dead for three weeks?
02:54We only left him last night,
02:56stuffing his face with fish chips and mushy peas.
02:58You know what I mean.
03:00Oh, I know what you mean.
03:01He's been acting a bit funny lately,
03:03and you're straining your braces to find out what he's been up to.
03:06Well, I admit I am curious.
03:09Some might even say peculiar.
03:11Oh, very well, sitting there all smug nursing your father's heirloom.
03:15But wouldn't you like to know?
03:16I do know.
03:17What?
03:18It's obvious.
03:19Happens every year about this time.
03:22You know, you might condescend to confide in me sometime.
03:25I'm as interested as you
03:26in what's happening to the grimy little herbert.
03:28It's spring, Cyril.
03:30Compo's feeling the spring.
03:32Do you mean he's...
03:33Saps rising, yes.
03:35Well, the evil little monkey.
03:38Come on.
03:39Let's go and get him out in fresh air.
03:41Let's go and get him out.
04:11And often, like the Emperor Hirohito's.
04:13With respect, Clegg.
04:15What do you know about the Emperor's elbows?
04:17Just as they're halfway up his sleeve,
04:19the same as anybody else's.
04:21Hey, up!
04:24Hey, you daft Mary creeping up on foot like that.
04:27If there's one thing I thought we could rely on,
04:29it's you being grimy and repulsive.
04:31And here you are, behind our backs,
04:34being furtively hygienic.
04:36I'm only cleaning the wind, eh?
04:38That is pidgeys.
04:39He feeds them on that rubbishy corn.
04:42It snows here twice a day.
04:44Yeah.
04:44Nor a batty were my wife.
04:46I wouldn't waste my time
04:47putting rubber bicycle clips
04:49on diarrhoea-ridden pigeons.
04:56Hey, look at him, look at him.
04:57When you see movements like that,
04:59you know you're dealing with a guilty conscience.
05:00What's all about guilty conscience?
05:02I've seen it all before.
05:04Like at school,
05:05when you were caught with Theresa Monoghue.
05:07That for Charlie Oldroyd.
05:09What, in that cheeky little gym slip?
05:11It never was.
05:12It's a right double life you're leading, isn't it?
05:14I don't think, Stark.
05:16You think you know somebody
05:17and all these years he's been a secret cleaner?
05:20We've caught you with the mask off now, haven't we?
05:22Nobody asked either of them to come snooping, nosy.
05:28That's what you get for being a good Samaritan, you see?
05:31To ultimate your own business.
05:32Good Samaritan, eh?
05:34Ex-milk monarchy.
05:35How dare you interfere with that victim lying in the gutter?
05:38That's the attitude these days.
05:39They'll defend to the last.
05:41Every man's right to be lying bleeding in the gutter.
05:43Well, I'm not lying in the bleeding gutter,
05:45so get back to the library.
05:47Hey, he's not only been cleaning house windows,
05:50he's been beating this carpet at all.
05:51He's not a crime, is he?
05:53He's busy, isn't he?
05:54Yes, I'm just having a quick flick through.
05:56I told you.
05:57It's been coming on for a week.
06:00You can always tell
06:01when he starts doodling flowers on his betting slips.
06:05Sweet peas and wooden anemones.
06:11Ah, I'll get stuffed the pair of them.
06:13You know, his trouble doesn't get enough fresh air.
06:16And his diet's unbalanced too.
06:18You know, you want more fresh fruit.
06:20I want to be left alone, that's what I want.
06:22And we all know why, don't we?
06:24So you can make a fool of yourself
06:26in front of some unbelievable, unseemly female.
06:29Oh, don't be harsh.
06:31We liked her that worked for Macalpine.
06:33She didn't work for Macalpine.
06:35Well, she had it written large letters all over her donkey jacket.
06:37That were a gift from the Irish hooligan
06:40that worked on the bulldozer.
06:41Rubbish.
06:42With her on the payroll,
06:43what would they need the bulldozer for?
06:47Or a forklift, for that matter.
06:50You're treading on sensitive ground, Cyril.
06:53Theirs was an impulsive madcap affair
06:55destined to end the minute that she took off
06:58with that plastic barometer he won at Bingo.
07:00Ah, it said it were going to be changeable.
07:03Yeah, I'm not keeping you in smoke
07:04so you can go out with fodder ribbit.
07:06Ah, they weren't all funny.
07:08That's very true.
07:09Who was that sweet little thing
07:11with the voice that could open cans of beer?
07:15Who's that about?
07:16Her that bit your ferrets.
07:21Ah, the big judies.
07:23You came across her in the bar.
07:25That's right, under one of them long benches.
07:27She used to get me into fights.
07:29I don't know why you don't pack it in.
07:32Well, it's something you have to do.
07:35It's like my coven, Vince.
07:37He went off to Australia.
07:39How do you explain it?
07:41Well, you don't explain it.
07:43He'd gone before they could serve the warrant.
07:47Australians look a bit like ferrets.
07:50Ah, they do, no.
07:52It's the sun, you know.
07:53Does away with all the nutriment in the skin.
07:55What a load of covens.
07:58Let's go and buy him a drink.
08:00Get him in a better mood.
08:01Aye, come on.
08:02Oh, oh.
08:03Oh!
08:43That's what you miss, the companionship.
08:46Oh, I'm going home.
08:48It's early yet.
08:49Oh, I've had enough.
08:50I'm going home, get a bite to eat and watch a bit of telly.
08:54May your batteries never go flat.
09:03Love is a merry, splendid day.
09:10It's the April rose that only grows in the early spring.
09:19Oh!
09:30You see, if you stand on the top of that chimney on a clear day, you can see Manchester.
09:35That's the way of things, Cyril.
09:37Always a snag.
09:39I wonder if these nylon socks are good for your feet.
09:43I see the Lauderdales have still got that barrel organ.
09:46You're supposed to be doing it up.
09:48I wonder if the nylon lets them breathe.
09:51Is he any good?
09:52I wouldn't want him round my barrel organ.
09:55Delusions of grandeur, quite out of his depth.
09:59Got everything quite out of proportion when he mended their Gideon's Lambretta.
10:04I always liked their Sammy best.
10:06Can't say I knew him.
10:08Nice little fella.
10:09I was very sad.
10:10What happened?
10:12I had to go and live in Peterborough.
10:14They've no discretion, have they, flies?
10:18They leap in with both feet.
10:20Come on out, you guzzling article.
10:23Look at it.
10:24It's gonna have a right flaming head in the morning.
10:27It's no doubt secreted half a million repulsive organisms in your light ale.
10:32And we think life's dangerous for us.
10:34How do you think that saturated little pillock feels?
10:38What's his daily round then?
10:40How's he having to leap into existence on wings as thin as that?
10:44No wonder he's in a rush to get stoned.
10:47We used to have them four inches long, crawling round the kook house in the Far East.
10:53They used to get into your cocoa.
10:56Just to be hoped that there's something somewhere keeping an eye on little things.
11:00You're always keeping a damn good eye on little things, I assure you.
11:04As a general rule, we tended to avoid anything with currents in it.
11:08Out there, you could never be sure that an Eccles cake would lie gently and be eaten.
11:13Very disconcerting.
11:15When you see the fourth raisin from the right, get up and walk away.
11:19Still, at least they've got wings.
11:21They must be nice, having wings.
11:23A few simple modifications to your vest,
11:26careful how you adjust your braces, and you're off, airborne.
11:30Everywhere's a shortcut.
11:31You realise there's no long way round.
11:33The place was crawling with them.
11:35Never had any trouble with my feet, though.
11:38Despite the heat.
11:40Just a slight rash under my webbing, that's all.
11:42Under your webbing? Sounds like a duck's disease.
11:45We were wearing wool, you see. Natural fibre.
11:48For sheep, it's natural fibre.
11:50Get down to brass tacks.
11:52All that we can call natural is skin.
11:55There's every chance that we're descended from the banana.
11:58Let's the feet bleed.
12:00No, our main trouble was parasites.
12:03But we can all get youth to parasites who shall be nameless.
12:07Eh?
12:07Where is the tatty Herbert?
12:09He shall be back by now.
12:16Oh, dear. I'm smoking too heavy.
12:19When he's around, he can his two out of every three.
12:22He don't want the short of my life.
12:24At this rate, I shall be dead before I'm 112.
12:26He'll come back when he's ready.
12:28His whiskers bent and his fur torn.
12:31Oh, he should be outdoors instead of laking inside
12:34watching them continental films.
12:35It's really none of our business, Cyril,
12:37which always makes it the more attractive.
12:40So let's dump this stuff and go and see what the hell he's been up to.
12:43Ah!
12:55Hey!
12:56All the jam jars have gone.
12:58Has he moved his ferrets?
13:00Well, they're not on the table.
13:01Oh, dear.
13:02Do you think it's serious?
13:03If he started neglecting his ferrets, there's no knowing where it'll end.
13:07He's not in.
13:08He's gone.
13:09Oh!
13:10Good morning, madam.
13:11I wonder if you could possibly tell us where.
13:13I could tell you all sorts about him.
13:15Oh, come on, Mrs. Batty.
13:16He's a fan of yours.
13:18I know what he's a fan of.
13:20He speaks very highly of you, Mrs. Batty, as Mr. Blameyer here will confirm.
13:25Very highly, madam.
13:26You're his ideal of womanhood.
13:29You're as daft as he is, Norman Clegg.
13:32He refers constantly to your matchless, flaky pastry and your sharp tongue.
13:37What about your reedy for sharp tongue?
13:41Superb in her day, but very much quieter since she's been dead, God rest her.
13:46Leaving you at the top of your field, with the possible exception of Big Ivy at the calf.
13:50Huh?
13:51If it come to a slangy match, I could soon sort her out.
13:54She's got too much flesh on her to be really mean.
13:58Where's he gone, then?
13:59Where does he always go?
14:02Too far if he gets out the chance.
14:04There's no respect for the sanctity of marriage.
14:08Now, a better old man's not got a lot left, either.
14:11I heard that.
14:14You were dicing with death a bit there, weren't you?
14:17You forget, Cyril, I've had years of marital combat experience.
14:21Look, you're old man's not got a lot left.
14:46Oh, I didn't get this soup from here.
14:48Oh, I thought I didn't recognise him.
14:50the material no it's the 30 bob tailors i thought your time manager had a bald head
14:57his daughter went for a cookery teacher i thought i'd come in for a new one
15:03how would you like it sir oh i don't care as long as i get it
15:09oh sure
15:22oh
15:41you got time like
16:00oh
16:08what is it now can't you do something without asking it what
16:18pour him a cup of tea he hadn't asked for a cup of tea do as i say pour him
16:23one what do you think he
16:24wants yeah he might want a coffee well he's never asked for coffee before he's never been dressed
16:29like a phyllis before either
16:44it's aftershave does he like it i do like it i keep telling him to get some on that big
16:50ugly devil
16:51there she forgets you've got to go and face a dark team yeah he thinks he's irresistible smelling a chip
16:56fat i don't think i've gone too far like too far you look like a dress good baggies
17:03oh you've done right love they could all do with smartly up a bit around here
17:08he thinks he ought to have an anaesthetic before you remove his underwear for washing that is they can't get
17:15it off quick enough for messing about
17:23it's something you're gonna have to get used to if you continue wearing things like that
17:27all right how much do you have to pay a week on that lot then bob oh yes and how
17:32are you going to
17:47they're in the outside love by hell that's irresponsible there could be an appalling accident
17:52there they're all right they're wrapped up warm and have you got them in harry lauder rats as well
18:02it's aftershave ivy uh give us two teas love and something sticky for a bun all right
18:09do you want a bun no i've not got any appetite not much taste either
18:16and why didn't you go to that 30 bob taylor's well i would have done but there were that little
18:21bit
18:21of a barney over the suit i got married in you're not still paying on that well just the last
18:26few
18:27installments that's all they were i kept up the payments until she ran off with that flaming pole and
18:33i thought right let that twit pay for it you've not been all that fortunate in your choice of
18:39women have you you haven't struck that celestial note of harmony as it were no it's true
18:48she were all right that worked in crisp factory till they started flavoring everything with cheese and
18:54onion but by and large it's true but you still keep on trying but why should i go through life
19:01alone
19:01because you're old and ugly and repulsive oh i'm not all that old besides you've got to keep trying
19:08anyway it keeps me mind off mrs batty
19:13cyril here manages to go through life without the comforts of a woman i should think so it's
19:18not seen his landlady she makes the finest batter pudding i'll have you know in this entire area
19:23i take this point cyril is it enough for a lasting relationship i have been there 12 years
19:29just to believe in destiny ah now that's what you learn in the far east and the moving finger
19:37writes and having writ moves on i think it would move on after writing some of that stuff on the
19:42bus
19:45shelter perhaps it's my destiny to end up with a woman you need someone you know it's not only the
19:52physical side fetching a goal in you mean you know what i mean you need somebody there to shout at
20:01you
20:01hey tip mine hey you don't know when you're well off hey what time them bradford buses one
20:07one and a half hour oh well maybe she'll be on the next one can i borrow your hanky
20:14i advertise for this housekeeper you see
20:19if we get on you know like we hit it off well i might not be around as much oh
20:24dear oh dear i can
20:25just picture the domestic scene arm in arm they saunter into the setting sun pursued only by debt
20:31collectors and a pair of chattering ferrets do you know anything about this woman oh i don't want
20:38to that's part of the magic isn't it finding out romance is a lottery if you want to gamble stick
20:46to
20:46horses he does take a look at his women
20:49oh
20:51oh
20:52oh
20:53oh
20:53oh
20:53oh
21:41I don't know.
21:54Bloody romantic this is.
21:56Ten past four in afternoon.
21:59Well, I don't know what else we can do till bedtime.
22:12I've buried three husbands.
22:14With the bare hands.
22:19You've left me a bit of stomach.
22:21I bet they couldn't wait, could they?
22:24It's more than you do.
22:25You've no assets.
22:27Oh, I've got my magnetic personality.
22:30You're a wastero.
22:32Ah, there's that and all.
22:35There'd be no security with you.
22:37Well, they'd have a roof over their head.
22:40It leaks.
22:41Not all over.
22:54It wants another cup of tea.
22:57Are you getting anywhere?
22:59Well, I'm getting splashed a bit.
23:01Looks like you've got one of nature's hearty eaters there.
23:05Oh, come on, Tee.
23:06Well, as I reckon, how does it look to thee?
23:11Hungry.
23:12Ah, I know that.
23:14But, well, I mean, I know it's not new, like.
23:17But, well, I've seen worse.
23:20Only with thee.
23:23Well, that's what you mean.
23:25I've had worse.
23:27You've had pneumonia, but you don't want to get steady with it, do you?
23:33Now, come on, Sid.
23:34It's not all that bad.
23:37From some angles.
23:41Huh?
23:42It's no good asking my opinion, anyway.
23:44I mean, you've seen my judgment.
23:48How many sugar?
23:50Six.
23:51Six.
23:52She should have some energy, anyway.
24:00Hey, uh...
24:01Pour it down, then.
24:12Put it down, then.
24:22Hey, look, that was taken of me at Mapplethorpe.
24:35Look, it's no use coming to me for security.
24:39Lester's ready for a mad, irresponsible escapade.
24:42They better get off now.
24:43Don't worry, I shall.
24:45Look, there's some blokes you can settle down with, and there's other blokes like me that
24:49you come to, for thrills and excitement.
24:53With you and Errol Flynn.
24:56Haven't you gone out in the post office?
24:58I've just bought you a plate of mushy peas.
25:01What one do you want?
25:03No insurance?
25:04I don't believe in it.
25:05What do you believe in, then?
25:06I believe that under all that mad chatter, there's a real sex party.
25:16Well, where are you taking me, then?
25:19You promised me a night out, didn't you?
25:21Too bad, it.
25:22This is it.
25:23You must be joking.
25:26You don't think you're sweeping me off my feet with just one plate of mushy peas.
25:32Come on.
25:33Let's go.
25:35Where to?
25:36It's your town, swinger.
25:38Lead the way.
25:57Hello, my little passion flower.
25:59She's not got your washing out, I see.
26:02She don't look much of a washer to me.
26:04I shouldn't need anybody if you cooperate occasionally.
26:07Melted a bit sometimes.
26:09Let me rub my fingers through your curlers.
26:12Rah!
26:12He-he-he-ha!
26:13Ho-hoi!
26:14He-he-he!
26:41Hey!
26:41Hey!
26:42She went off!
26:42You took all me new stuff with you.
26:45Well, there you are, you see.
26:47Every cloud has a silver lining.
26:49Here, don't jump. Don't jump.
26:53Your left-hand door. Your left-hand door.
26:56Star, but do you mind?
27:02Here, let's go around in circles.
27:05Marco's bloody talking.
27:11Here.
27:14Grab this.
27:15Me arm's fixed to me surely, you know.
27:17You don't stand on that.
27:19It makes you wonder.
27:21Now they get big ships through small holes.
27:24Here, grab it.
27:25He'll have a seat. He'll have a seat.
27:26Oh, shut your face.
27:28You're not lively.
27:29There you go.
27:30Get you to me. I'm going to jump over there.
27:34Get up.
27:35Now, hold it.
27:37I've got to get you over there.
27:39There you are.
27:40Watch it.
27:41There you are.
27:42Oh, you'll have to be over there.
27:44Just look over there.
27:46There you are.
27:48She's married for a husband.
27:50Were they all dead?
27:52Get miserable, I shouldn't wonder.
27:54She were a brandy drinker.
27:56I thought I'd get her drunk and have my way with her.
27:58You disgusting creature.
28:01What happened?
28:02She had to carry me home.
28:04Then this morning she was gone with all me clobber.
28:07It's not funny.
28:09It's hilarious, you dozy clown.
28:15goodnight poses.
28:20Thanks you.
28:33However,
28:33thank you.