00:01Chappelle's Show.
00:02Chappelle's Show.
00:03Chappelle's Show.
00:04Chappelle's Show.
00:05Chappelle's Show.
00:05Chappelle's Show.
00:06Oh!
00:08Ooh-ooh-ooh!
00:10Ooh-ooh-ooh!
00:11Yeah, yeah.
00:15Let's start the show.
00:20Dave Chappelle, come on down.
00:22You're the next black comedian to get his own show!
00:41Oh, my God, I did it!
00:43Hey, everybody, what's up?
00:48Welcome, welcome, everybody, to the Chappelle's Show.
00:51As you see, I am Dizzle.
00:55You know, I've been watching the news and reading the papers,
00:58and I've been seeing that there's been a lot of, like, scandalous behavior,
01:01like these major corporations, they rip everybody off,
01:05Enron's and Tyco's and all this stuff.
01:08They don't be getting no time.
01:11They don't get no time in jail.
01:13I gotta get in on this being white thing.
01:17It's like there's two legal systems damn near.
01:20It'd be better if they, just for, like, maybe three days,
01:24if, like, they actually put those guys through the legal system
01:28that we all have to go through,
01:30and then they put, like, crack dealers and shit through the legal system
01:34that they go through.
01:36Wouldn't that be something?
01:38Well, tonight we have a very special episode of Law & Order.
01:44I hope you enjoy it.
01:49That was for up to me, Jones.
01:50Oh, same old, same old.
01:53Accounting's complaining about us misleading the stockholders
01:55and blowing the employee pensions.
01:58I mean, what a bunch of babies.
01:59I mean, come on, this is business, people, right?
02:02And speaking of business, you know?
02:05Satchko, take a powder.
02:08And you!
02:11Well, that's not my money!
02:21Get on the ground!
02:24Shut that fucking jargon!
02:29Get on the fucking ground!
02:31Stop resisting, son!
02:37Oh!
02:40Nigga, I said stop calling, y'all, right?
02:42I'm bagging the coke up as fast as I can.
02:44I'm Detective Charles Stevens
02:45from the Dade County Police Department.
02:47I've got a warrant here for your arrest.
02:49A warrant?
02:50Charges cocaine trafficking.
02:53And, um, frankly, I'm afraid I don't know how to handle it.
02:56Oh, man, we gotta be careful with this.
02:59We don't want to embarrass somebody like me
03:00in front of my family and my community.
03:03I'll tell you what.
03:04I'll come in and turn myself in around, uh, Thursday, okay?
03:07Is one o'clock good for you?
03:09Oh, no, that's no good for me.
03:10I got some trim coming at 12.
03:13I'll turn myself in, say, between two and six.
03:17Thank you so very much for your help,
03:19and, again, I'm sorry for the inconvenience.
03:22Oh, no problem.
03:23One love.
03:25Uh, yeah, I-I love you, too.
03:30So what am I charged with?
03:32Yeah, like you don't know, you little bitch.
03:37Would you do me a favor and not smoke?
03:38I'm allergic.
03:39Oh.
03:40Hey, I'm sorry, Chuck.
03:42Why don't I do you a favor and put it out there for you, huh?
03:45Oh, my God, you piece of crap.
03:47I want to catch this punk.
03:49Oh.
03:51I want to talk to my lawyer.
03:53He wants to talk to his lawyer.
03:55Legal aid?
03:56You're on.
03:58I'm sorry.
03:59I feel like my 14th case this week.
04:02Somebody take a piss in here?
04:04It was me.
04:07Hi, Pete.
04:20I would like to compliment you gentlemen
04:22on a very classy, bold ass spread with cheeses
04:27that I've never even seen before.
04:29And my apologies for being late,
04:31but I got caught up with some punana.
04:35But so, like I said,
04:37we don't want to make a big deal out of this thing.
04:39You're a cocaine dealer,
04:40but you've done a lot of good for the community.
04:42Oh, I know, man.
04:43On Thanksgiving,
04:44I be passing turkeys out like Nino Brown, baby.
04:47But seriously, we have to do something.
04:49How about you testify before a Senate committee
04:51and spend two months at Club Fed?
04:56When I get out,
04:58can I steal traffic rocks to the community?
05:03Absolutely not.
05:06You're right.
05:07Selling rocks would be wrong.
05:11Jail is the shit.
05:17Anyway, he points the gun at us
05:19and he tells his dog to sick us.
05:21It was at that point that I fired upon the canine
05:24when we were able to subdue Mr. Jeffries.
05:27Upon further search of the mansion,
05:29we were able to locate this.
05:32Pure Colombian heroin.
05:34Wait a minute.
05:35Your Honor,
05:37I don't know whose heroin that is,
05:39but it certainly isn't mine.
05:41Then his wife threw her titties in my hand.
05:44It was weird, Your Honor.
05:46You grabbed her titties.
05:47I saw you.
05:50Before I sentence you,
05:53is there anything you'd like to say?
05:55Okay.
05:56First of all...
05:57All right, that's enough.
05:59You're the worst kind of scum on the face of the earth.
06:04You're an animal.
06:05A filthy, big-lipped beast.
06:09I'd like to congratulate the jury of your peers
06:13for reaching a verdict.
06:15Seven minutes is a new court record.
06:17All your possessions
06:19will be seized immediately by the court,
06:22and you will receive the mandatory minimum of life in prison.
06:26Plenty of time to lift weights
06:28and convert to Islam.
06:32Now get out of my sight, you fuck.
06:38Sir, is it true you were a crack cocaine dealer for seven years?
06:43I plead the fifth.
06:48Sir, will you tell us about the cartels you dealt with
06:51in your time as a crack cocaine dealer?
06:53Um, no, but I can tell you that I plead the fifth.
06:57Exactly how much money did you earn in your time
07:00as a crack cocaine dealer?
07:02There are...
07:05I said there are...
07:07so many amendments
07:10in the Constitution of the United States of America.
07:25I plead the fifth.
07:28I plead the fifth.
07:29I plead the fifth.
07:31Five.
07:32One, two, three, four, fifth.
07:35Anything you say, fifth.
07:37Go ahead, ask me a question.
07:39Fifth.
07:40I have a secret document that I think you need to save.
07:49That'll be all, sir. Good afternoon.
07:51I got your sentence reduced to a month.
07:53Oh!
08:07We'll take a quick commercial break and be right back.
08:13I'm gonna do it.
08:15Better not bring your kids.
08:18Hello.
08:19My name is Tyrone Biggers.
08:22Sometimes the endless pursuit of crack
08:24leaves me tired and depleted.
08:27But now cocaine comes in a delicious shape.
08:30Red balls!
08:31It gives me wings!
08:38Come on.
08:39Come on.
08:40Come on.
08:40Come on.
08:40It's my baby.
08:42It's my baby.
08:44Oh, my God.
08:46Oh, my God.
09:03Oh, my God.
09:05Oh, my God.
09:11Oh, my God.
09:12Oh, my God.
09:14Oh, my God.
09:14Oh, my God.
09:15FYI, people still do steal radios, though.
09:19How do you think I got this soup?
09:23That Red Bull's got me.
09:25Ah!
09:40Mayday.
09:40Mayday.
09:41We have a Kraken lifting up the bus.
09:42Must be Red Bull.
09:52I love this drink.
09:53Thank you, Red Bulls.
09:56Excuse me.
09:58Jailor.
09:59Pardon me.
10:01Might I have a Red Bulls, please?
10:09Shazam!
10:09Uh!
10:24Red Bulls.
10:25Cocaine in a can, baby.
10:29I can get some money for this.
10:38yeah y'all remember last season we used to do a segment called ask a black dude
10:42that featured comedian paul mooney well he's back again this year as america's leading black psychic
10:49negro domus what's the meaning of life who is my real father will i ever find a husband
10:56am i gonna get sick does god really exist for centuries people have turned to one man for
11:02the answer to life's great mysteries that man is negro domus you sir negro domus
11:12will arsenio hall ever have another show yes arsenio hall will get another show
11:18it will be called good morning black america it will be shown at noon throughout the country
11:27thank you so much negro domus next
11:32negro domus hello from france
11:36honest schwarzenegger will divorce his wife
11:46and marry shirley temple black and she will be mrs shirley temple black
11:51nigger you sir
11:56nigger domus uh why do white people love wayne brady so much
12:02white people love wayne brady because he makes
12:08brian gumbel look like malcolm x for centuries people have turned to one man for the answer
12:15to life's great mysteries that man is negro domus
12:20we're gonna take a quick commercial break y'all don't go nowhere
12:23we'll be right back with more chapelle show
12:30chapelle show
12:31chapelle
12:32welcome back
12:37you know
12:39i don't know if anyone's ever seen this segment we've done on the show uh charlie murphy's true
12:43hollywood stories but if you haven't seen it eddie's older brother charlie works on our show
12:48and uh he tells us these crazy stories some of which are so crazy that we have to have him
12:54come by and tell them to the crowd
12:56so tonight we have for you a brand new true hollywood story from charlie murphy
13:05i can recall another one like you know i think it was in 85 like when all that
13:11androgynous shit was going on and what was wild was that the guy who looked the most like
13:17like a bitch was getting all the women even i had jerry curls coming out and i had my shit
13:23sick to the side and all that if you're wearing baggy shit now and you're acting hard
13:28if you're from la you motherfucking was wearing some strange shit
13:34we in the club we got that groove on shaking it up and prince came in
13:39that's when purple rain came out and prince was the shit you know what i'm saying
13:45prince had on like a it was like a zorro type outfit it had the ruffles that come down the
13:51front
13:52he had the big perms flushed out and all that and the mustache and everything that was drawn on
13:59his face and it looked like something that a figure skater would wear you know what i'm saying
14:05and he was with his whole crew and he had this other cat uh named mickey free and mickey free
14:11was
14:11like the new cat in shalamar that when he joined the group i heard mad cats like yo shalamar got
14:18new
14:18new girl in there man that bitch fine like a motherfucker they was talking about mickey free
14:22okay mickey free is not a girl all right they came over where we was at prince started talking
14:29to my brother hello eddie murphy prince what's up i'm a big fan of your comedies oh that's hot
14:36would you like to come to my house and listen to some music oh that's cool fruity get the car
14:41assemble your crew i'll be outside
14:49we went up there we get there he puts the tracks on tracks we're slamming you know what i mean
14:53we're listening to the music and everything we're grooving at the crib we got girls over there
14:58yeah nice environment it was it was tight
15:02this bores me is anyone up for a game of basketball
15:14how about you and your friends versus me and the revolution
15:23so i was like this thing must be joking man i don't know i don't know where you're going with
15:27this and
15:27shit but he was dead serious he had his uh helper or whatever go and get some like shorts and
15:35sneakers
15:35and gave them to us and laughing i'm like this is gonna be some funny ass shit so they come
15:40out right
15:40and i look at them and um they still got on the same shit they be wearing at the club
15:53it was wild and i was like i know they ain't thinking about playing ball in that but they were
15:57i said hey you know what you know we gonna call this the shirts against the blouse
16:05and when i said that this look came on his face he asked brilliant and i'm looking back at him
16:13thinking to myself you know what are you angry about i mean you know where you got that shirt from
16:18and the damn show was in the men's department i mean i kind of learned something that day don't
16:23never judge a book by its cover this cat can ball man
16:28play ball
16:32he was crossing cams like i crossed me that made my knees slam together
16:39he was getting rebounds like charles barker snatching his damn
16:43shoot the jay shoot it
16:46let's run a play computer blue
16:49darling picky
16:52they was kind of setting these fruity pics man you know what i'm saying like you'd be
16:56trying to check prince and then you got this cat standing behind you and he's getting close
17:00to you and his hands is out like this you don't really want to be bent over in front of
17:04a cat
17:04like that you know what i'm saying prince was incredible
17:14prince you got a towel man it's kind of hot out here man
17:17why don't you purify yourself in the waters of lake minnetonka
17:23good
17:24in your face charlie murphy
17:26good
17:27good hustle
17:30yo man i'm not on your team
17:37i mean it wasn't even like it was close it was a landslide victory
17:46game
17:48blouses
17:50i was there i seen it you don't believe me you think i'm making it up you think i'm trying
17:55to uh
17:56you know enhance the story because i'm involved
18:00i try to give myself an excuse for losing because i'm telling you a story about
18:06prince i dare you to challenge prince to a game of ball one-on-one
18:11challenge him
18:14right
18:15and let make sure your people is there to see the game
18:19because you might get embarrassed trust me
18:22all right he beat you in basketball and then what happened
18:24after it was all over
18:27he took us in the house and served us pancakes
18:37well i gotta admit um it's a good game i wish i could say the same for you and your
18:44crew of
18:44flunkies do you guys want some grapes i mean you know there's some great storytellers in the world
18:52we live in today man bitches who the fuck can make up that shit
19:11okay turn on your tv what you're going to see hey what's happening
19:18you guys are a wonderful crowd i'd like to thank you all for being here and you at home for
19:23watching
19:24i will see you another time good night
19:35next rock
19:38when we give me some of that red balls come on tyrina come on
19:41oh oh red balls
19:47shazam
19:49this is the ride of my life
19:51i'm gonna have another heart attack
19:54thank you red balls
19:56bitch i can't sit still take this i'll be right back tyreet i gotta run some errands
20:01this is the ride of my life
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