00:00.
00:02Oh.
00:04Ooh.
00:06Ooh.
00:07Yeah.
00:13What's up?
00:17Oh, man.
00:20What's poppin', y'all?
00:22I don't know if you guys noticed, but my favorite TV show is coming back on the air.
00:27It's called Making the Band.
00:28Ooh, it's a beast.
00:31Puff Daddy takes five people and puts them in a house together, makes them cut a record
00:36for Bad Boy.
00:37They argue, they fight.
00:39Oh, the fights.
00:41It's a drama.
00:42If you haven't seen the first season, you don't know what I'm talking about.
00:45Here's the highlights from the first season.
00:51Congratulations.
00:52Y'all made it inside the house.
00:55You did good.
00:56All right, this is what's up.
00:58You can live here.
00:59You can record here.
01:01You can be Bad Boy artists here.
01:03But if you want to do it, first y'all gotta walk to Queens and get me a sugar cookie.
01:11A sugar cookie, man.
01:13This is crazy.
01:16We got it.
01:17Come on, man.
01:18Bad Boy.
01:22A sugar cookie, man.
01:23Look, this is not what I got in the music business to be doing, to be a sugar cookie getter.
01:29You know, I'm a rapper.
01:30We're the five best rappers of all time.
01:33Think about it.
01:35Dylon.
01:37Dylon.
01:38Dylon.
01:39Dylon.
01:40Dylon.
01:40Dylon.
01:41Because I spit hot fire.
01:44It's a good-ass sugar cookie.
01:48You guys are official now.
01:50Welcome to Bad Boy.
01:51It's Bad Boy, baby.
01:53Can't stop.
01:55Won't stop.
01:56Uh-uh, uh-uh.
02:00I'm gonna send you all to the studio.
02:02I want you to turn Daddy out a hit.
02:04But I need you to be a family unit.
02:06Love each other or this will never work.
02:08That's right, man.
02:09That's right.
02:09Go out there and get Daddy a hit.
02:12I'm gonna take a nap.
02:21I'm gonna shut the studio down.
02:35The only way I can keep the studio open is if y'all go out and walk to Northern New
02:40Jersey,
02:41Give me a set of left-handed golf clubs.
02:45I also need you to take a picture with the midget
02:48holding these balloons.
02:56Take a picture with the midget holding these balloons,
02:59holding these balloons.
03:02You did it.
03:04You went out, you found my man.
03:05You found the midget, man, and you got the pictures,
03:08you got the golf clubs.
03:09These are keys to the studio.
03:13Now, if y'all excuse me, I'm going scuba diving
03:15with Chris Tucker and Aquaman.
03:16You be cool.
03:18Giddy up.
03:24Oh, my God.
03:25What's happening?
03:28We're supposed to be a family.
03:29What are you doing?
03:31Not like this, man.
03:33Y'all not working like a team.
03:35I got to shut the studio down, yo.
03:39All right, the only way I open the studio up now,
03:43y'all got to walk uptown to the Bronx
03:45and get breast milk from a Cambodian immigrant.
03:49I only drink the finest breast milks.
03:53Go out there and milk the Cambodian.
04:02It's 100% Cambodian, yeah?
04:06It's the real shit.
04:11Grass milk, you made my day.
04:20Not only am I going to open the studio up,
04:22I'm sending you in there with the ledger.
04:25That's right, Yclef, playboy.
04:28No disrespect, I wanted to work with Yclef more than I wanted to work with Puff.
04:32Yo, Dyla, you ready to get it started, baby?
04:35All right, here we go.
04:45I rip and I rhyme.
04:46I rhyme and I rip.
04:47This is the way the Dyla spits.
04:50You trying to get some of this hot fire?
04:53You can even make this song or not make this song.
04:57You're too close, man.
04:58You're too close, man.
05:01Now, y'all going to choke a lecture?
05:03You don't think I want to choke people?
05:05You can't just choke all your problems.
05:07It takes hard work.
05:09If I had my way, I'd never work.
05:12I'd just stay home all day,
05:14watch Scarface 50 times,
05:17eat a turkey sandwich,
05:18and have sex all fucking day.
05:21Then I'd dress up like a clown
05:22and surprise kids to school.
05:25Then I'd take a dump in the back of a movie theater
05:27and just wait
05:28for somebody sat in there,
05:30hear squish.
05:31It's funny to me.
05:33Then I'd paint,
05:34read, and play violin.
05:36I'd climb the mountains
05:38and sing the songs that I like to sing.
05:40I don't got that kind of time.
05:42Playboy.
05:43Playboy.
05:44You just gonna comb your head, Playboy?
05:47Sarah, you just gonna
05:48talk up all your anytime minutes?
05:50Is this anytime?
05:51Huh?
05:55You just gonna sit there
05:56and chop onions right now, huh?
05:58Good time to chop onions?
06:01Look at this nigga.
06:02You just gonna do your taxes next?
06:05You just gonna sit there
06:05and crunch numbers?
06:06Huh?
06:06Is that hot?
06:08Is that what's going on
06:09on the streets right now,
06:09your taxes?
06:11All right, look.
06:12I got some good news
06:13and I got some bad news, y'all.
06:15The bad news
06:17is that I'm shutting down the studio.
06:22The good news
06:23is that I just saved
06:24a lot of money
06:25on my car and stuff.
06:30Bounce work.
06:31Frame the same way.
06:38They can fly, man.
06:40They can fly.
06:41They believe in themselves.
07:00We're gonna take a quick commercial break, y'all.
07:03Don't go nowhere.
07:03We'll be right back
07:04with more Chappelle Shows.
07:10Chappelle Shows.
07:11Chappelle Shows.
07:13Hey, everybody.
07:14Welcome back.
07:17You know, folks,
07:20you ever be watching a ball game
07:21and then these beer commercials
07:23come on
07:24and it just makes it seem
07:25like the dudes go out
07:26and drink beer
07:26and have the best time?
07:28Let me tell you something
07:29about drinking beer.
07:30Drinking beer
07:31brings an animal
07:32out in somebody.
07:34Now, I know alcohol companies
07:35sponsor my show.
07:36I ain't talking about them.
07:37Them shits are delicious.
07:38I'm talking about
07:39the rest of them.
07:40They go too far.
07:42The ads are irresponsible.
07:43Why don't they make
07:44an honest commercial
07:45that shows the animal
07:46that beer brings out?
07:47Like this.
07:48Hey, what night is it, Dad?
07:51Dude's right up!
07:53Dude's right up!
07:53Yeah!
07:55Dude's right up!
07:56Dude's right up!
07:56Dude's right up!
07:56Oh, what is it, huh?
07:57Brace like this.
07:58Oh.
08:01Yo, excuse me,
08:02what are you talking about?
08:03Hey, man,
08:03what do you mean
08:04don't worry about it?
08:05I bought that bitch a drink!
08:06I don't play that gang
08:07out of problems!
08:08Come on.
08:08Look out there!
08:11Oh, what?
08:12You think this is a game?
08:14Yo, this is
08:15Dude's Night Out!
08:17Ah!
08:18Ah!
08:19Ah!
08:21Ah!
08:22Ah!
08:22Ah!
08:24Ah!
08:24Ah!
08:24Ah!
08:24Ah!
08:24Dude's Night Out!
08:25Only reason I'm crying
08:26is because of the adrenaline.
08:35Oh!uce
08:37Night Out! Dude's
08:47Night Out! Hey,
08:49he had the lady.
08:50y'all want to party with us let's go
09:17yo mouth's a mouth man
09:19what i'm out
09:21billy what are you doing
09:23billy what's up billy
09:29hey peace
09:30hey you guys
09:32yo tony whatever
09:36when it's dudes not out it's got to be
09:41okay we're going to take a quick commercial break
09:44if y'all going to be right back
09:52okay turn on your tv
09:55what you're going to see
09:58welcome back
10:01welcome back to chappelle's show
10:06you know folks
10:09i don't know about any of you guys but i'm a parent
10:12all right there's a lot of wild things going on in the world and it's very hard to explain these
10:17things
10:18to your children
10:19that's all right
10:21because tonight i'm going to help you
10:23i have created a show that helps to explain the evils of the world
10:27to youth in a way that they can understand and is palatable to them
10:31and i hope you enjoy it here it is
10:39everyone look what i found
10:41it's it's a dagger
10:44wow
10:46whoa that's not a toy there robert
10:50hey kids
10:51yeah you better be careful when you're handling those things
10:54that's not a dagger at all
10:56it's called a syringe
10:57people use it to inject the drug called heroin
11:00directly into their bloodstream
11:03why
11:04probably because you get higher that way than sniffing it
11:08bobble why do people get high
11:10no
11:10very good question young lady for all kinds of reasons
11:13some people think they need it just to get through the day
11:16and some people just like to party
11:18and can quit whenever they want
11:21like me
11:32kids
11:34there are a lot of devil standards about drugs in this country
11:40kids it's time to keep it real
11:43life is hard
11:45and i can't deal
11:47i know it looks a certain way
11:57some people do it with cigarettes smoking
12:02others treat their headaches with ibuprofen
12:07your grandpa talks about self-respect
12:11and danny takes drugs to keep his cock-a-rect
12:15but it's all drugs to me
12:20it's all drugs to me
12:26get junks kicking in kits
12:29it feels like i have a million teeny tiny kitty kits
12:32rubbing my balls
12:33and they sked sked sked sked all over the walls
12:38let me bring this bitch home
12:40they're all
12:45drugs
12:47too
13:12i'm going to the emergency room
13:14bye-bye kids
13:16you see kids
13:18always throw away your trash
13:23i'm fucking dying man
13:27hey
13:30fuck you too
13:34besides living in a trash can
13:36and having a syringe large in my fucking head
13:38nothing i guess
13:40where your parents anyway
13:42my mommy and daddy are at work
13:44oh yeah
13:45well me i gave up working a long time ago
13:48don't give up stinky
13:49my dad says
13:51if you never give up and work hard
13:53all your dreams will come true
13:55that's the gayest shit i ever heard
13:58what
14:00i don't believe your papi may be rich but he ain't happy
14:06tells you about work and you want to be him
14:10but when's the last time you got to see him
14:12he works hard
14:14why so you can go out and buy a bunch of shit that you don't need
14:22driven by your punk ass hopes and greed
14:25that's why i say fuck it
14:31for the first time in my life
14:34i'm finally free
14:37no mansion for me
14:41i said fuck it
14:43no brand new humvee
14:46i say fuck it
14:48but you'll get no pussy
14:53fuck it
14:55what you don't understand
14:57is i make love to my hand
15:00so i don't need you honey
15:04i beat my dick like it owes me money
15:08fuck it
15:09that's right i said fuck it
15:13now if you excuse me
15:14i'm going to make me a nice feces sandwich
15:19look it's dangle
15:22and hey you're chris rock
15:24stay for help but close enough
15:26where are you guys going
15:28well dangle's not feeling well
15:30so i'm taking him to the doctor
15:32what's wrong dangle
15:33actually it's my penis
15:36what's that
15:43when i pee pee it burns like hell
15:45i have what's known as a venereal disease
15:48how did you get it
15:49from fucking
15:52i got so much puppet ass
15:53it could be from anywhere
15:56what's the sickness called
15:58i'm not sure robert
15:59that's why we're going to the doctor
16:01there's a lot of different kinds of penis sicknesses out there
16:04isn't that right q-tip
16:05that's right dave
16:07all kinds
16:10sex isn't wrong
16:11but you gotta be right
16:13if you're hitting the sheets
16:15if you're hitting the sheets then wrap it up tight
16:16if you're hitting the sheets then wrap it up tight
16:18listen up kids
16:20cause i ain't joking
16:22one bad decision your dick will be smoking
16:26you'll catch a vd but don't take it from me
16:32i'm gonorrhea and that's a fact
16:36if you can't say that then call me clap
16:40i wait in genitals just like a trap
16:45and burn up lovers like bacon fat
16:51oh hello dave chapelle
16:53haven't seen you for a while
16:55what's it been two months
16:57dirty motherfucker
16:59oh here come the crabs
17:00guess who the crabs
17:02your pukes would grab
17:04we wait on bed sheets
17:07and toilet seats
17:09then paint your nuts
17:12with our feet
17:13the crabs
17:15oh yes
17:16the crab
17:23this nigga's a freak
17:25oh hey gang don't hurt me
17:27it's little oh me herpes
17:28cooler than your best friend
17:30i'll stay with you to the end
17:32you won't see me every day
17:34but every few years i'll come say
17:38hey that's right
17:39no cure for me in sight
17:42i won't go without a fight
17:45i'm the herpes
17:47the herpes
17:48c and l motherfuckers
17:50oh my gosh
17:54wow life is hard
17:56nah it's not lisa
17:57all right look
17:58if you just remember to keep your genitals out of harm's way
18:01don't chase money
18:03and refrain from littering
18:05you'll be a winner
18:09q-tip take us home
18:11come on kids
18:12it's a bd call
18:14bd tell
18:17it's a bd tell
18:18it's a bd call
18:19bd tell
18:20it's a bd tell
18:23we're gonna take a quick commercial break
18:25bd is in the house
18:27what's up bd
18:31we'll be right back with more
18:33chapelle show
18:40better not bring your kids
18:44ladies and gentlemen
18:46tonight's musical guest
18:47the voice of dangle
18:49none other than
18:50snoop
18:51doggy
18:52dog
18:54yeah what up
18:55who let this motherfucking bass head on stage
18:58hit this motherfucker g
19:00no man i can't do that shit
19:02what i've been dealing here for five months
19:05and he ain't hit the pipe in front of me yet
19:07so what you saying
19:08i'm saying i thank you 5-0
19:115-0
19:12nigga i ain't 5-0
19:14well then hit this motherfucker then
19:19i can feel it
19:22i have to show this nigga i ain't no motherfucking police
19:26i'ma take you on a ride tyrone
19:27check this out nigga
19:30creep with me
19:31as i crawl through the hood
19:32maniac lunatic
19:34call him snoop eastwood
19:35kicking dust as i bust fuck peace
19:37and the motherfucking punk police
19:39you already know i gives a fuck about a cop
19:42so why in the fuck would you think that it would stop
19:44plot hell yeah
19:46that's what i'm about to do
19:47take your ass on a mission with the boys in blue
19:50that's right
19:50what up snoop
19:51yo i got the feeling
19:53tonight's the night like betty right
19:54and i'm chilling
19:55chilling
19:56feeling
19:56no remorse
19:58yeah
19:58so let's go straight to the motherfucking source
20:01and see what we can find
20:02crooked ass cops that pop us and give us a gang of time
20:05and now they wanna make a deal with me
20:07scoop me up and put me on their team and chill with me
20:11and make my pockets bigger
20:12they wanna meet with me tonight at 7 o'clock
20:15so what's up nigga what you wanna do
20:17what you trying to do
20:18i got your gauge my uzi and your motherfucking 22
20:20so if you're on the blast nigga we can buck em
20:23if we stick em then we stuck em
20:24so fuck em
20:25i said yeah and you don't stop
20:28cause it's 187 on a motherfucking rock
20:31yeah and you don't stop
20:33cause it's 187 on a motherfucking rock
20:36on a motherfucking rock
20:37oh that's how i do
20:43i can't put you on that one
20:47i'd like to thank my guest snoop dole
20:49i'd like to thank venereal diseases and the kids and everybody
20:52and i'd like to thank your home for walking
20:54i will see you next week
20:59rich biatch
21:01hi thank you
21:04i have what's known as a sexually transmitted disease
21:07how'd you get it
21:09from fucking
21:26rest milk
21:27also
21:28hi
21:28hi
21:29hi
21:29Ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha.
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