Chappelle's Show changed comedy forever ππ₯ Created by and starring Dave Chappelle, this groundbreaking sketch comedy series delivered unforgettable characters, sharp social satire, and some of the most quoted comedy moments in television history. A true comedy classic that remains influential years later.
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FunTranscript
00:01Chapelle Show
00:02Chapelle Show
00:03Chapelle Show
00:07Ooooooo
00:07Woo hoo hoo
00:09Woo hoo
00:11Yeh yeh yeh
00:15Let's start the show
00:21What'll it be guys?
00:23I'll have a scotch on the rocks
00:25I'll have a Samuel Adams
00:28I'll have a
00:29Samuel Jackson
00:29You know something?
00:31I'll have a Samuel Jackson too
00:33Me three
00:36Three Samuel Jacksons coming right up
00:40Good motherfucking course
00:43Samuel Jackson
00:44Made painstakingly by me
00:47Samuel Jackson
00:48It'll get you drunk
00:50You'll be fucking fat girls in no time
00:53You might even fight a nigga or two
00:55Mmm mmm
00:57Bitch
01:01How's it taste motherfucker?
01:03Huh?
01:04Can you stop yelling at me please?
01:06No I can't stop yelling
01:08Cause that's how I talk
01:09You ain't never seen my movies
01:11Juice
01:12That was a good one
01:14Deep Blue Sea
01:16They ate me
01:17A fucking shark ate me
01:19Great bitch
01:21Jurassic Park
01:24Samuel Jackson
01:25It's my beer
01:27Yes they deserve to die
01:29And I hope they burn in hell
01:35Chapelle
01:37That's right
01:38That's right
01:40Nice
01:51What's up y'all?
01:52Welcome back
01:53Oh
01:54Come on there calm down
01:56We don't have that much time
02:02Thank you
02:05Yes ladies and gentlemen
02:07If you are seeing correctly
02:09I am smoking on television
02:10I am smoking indoors
02:12You know why?
02:13Because I didn't vote for Bloomberg
02:17Those of you across the nation
02:19Who don't know who Bloomberg is
02:20He is the mayor of this great city in New York
02:22I'm fighting
02:25Somebody's gotta do it
02:26You know this Bloomberg guy has messed everything up
02:30Cigarettes are $8 a pack
02:32That's crack prices
02:35People are gonna be sucking dicks for cigarettes soon
02:41Ridiculous
02:41And then once you buy a pack
02:43You can't even smoke inside
02:44I can't stand it anymore
02:46I can't stand it
02:47I'm fighting
02:49That's right
02:52It's in my blood
02:54I have no choice but to fight
02:56I'm a genetic dissenter
02:58That's right
02:59It's in my genes to dissent
03:01I'll show you a tape of my history
03:08Man Bloomberg is fucking up
03:14Man Carter is fucking up
03:20Damn Truman is fucking up
03:26Man Lincoln is fucking up
03:29White folks in general is fucking up
03:32Shit they coming
03:37Man the cheese fucking up
03:39Hey y'all look
03:41It's a boat with some white people on it
03:43Y'all wait here I'm gonna see what they want
03:46Man
03:48I fucked up
03:52Man
03:54Now
03:54A lot of people say
03:55Dave
03:56If they
03:57If everybody else is messing up so bad
03:59What you think you can do better?
04:01Yes I do
04:03That's why I'm gonna run for mail
04:04Something
04:05That's right
04:09Maybe governor
04:09Something else
04:10You never know
04:11I made a campaign ad too
04:13And I'll show it to you right now
04:14It's my first campaign ad
04:15It'll be on the air soon
04:20Although America is the greatest nation in the world
04:23We still face many modern problems
04:25And modern problems require modern solutions
04:29Healthcare is in shambles
04:31Medicaid doesn't work
04:33And the insurance industry has made medicine virtually unaffordable
04:36Meanwhile our neighbors in Canada have free healthcare for all their citizens
04:41So what am I suggesting?
04:43Fake Canadian ID cards for all America
04:46You get sick
04:47Run on up to Canada
04:48And get yourself checked out
04:50I'm Dave Chappelle
04:52And I wanna represent you
04:56Um
04:57We're gonna take a quick commercial break
04:59We'll be right back
05:00With more Chappelle Show
05:02Don't go anywhere
05:02Thank you
05:04Thank you
05:06Chappelle Show
05:07Wow
05:11Although America is the greatest nation in the world
05:14We still face many modern problems
05:16And modern problems require modern solutions
05:20Teen pregnancy is a huge problem in this country
05:23And what we need are more programs in place
05:26That promote abstinence
05:28My solution?
05:30Have every high school principal have sex
05:33with the oldest teacher in the school
05:34in front of the student.
05:37And make sure you rub them both with mayonnaise
05:40to accentuate the sound of their old flesh flapping together.
05:44This powerful image is sure to be a deterrent
05:46that the children will never forget.
05:50God damn, that's gross.
05:52I'm Dave Chappelle, and I want to represent you.
06:00You know, folks, since I've been doing a show,
06:03a lot of rappers have been asking me to be in their videos,
06:06which is nice.
06:08But they always want me to do dumb stuff.
06:10Like, what do I got to do, Snoop?
06:12Okay, here it is, Dave.
06:14It's a club scene.
06:16And, like, you was dancing,
06:18and you slip on a banana peel,
06:19and your face lands in some doo-doo.
06:22Splat.
06:23And you rolling around, got dookie all over you.
06:26And then here I come with my gators on.
06:29My now lady gators step over you,
06:31and all you see is me walking off in slow motion.
06:34It's like, hold up, nigga,
06:34why can't I be the one in slow motion?
06:37Tired of being the one in the doo-doo.
06:41Everything looks better in slow motion.
06:43This is the truth.
06:44For instance, here's a tape of me doing my laundry.
06:57Hey, how you doing, Mr. Kemp?
06:59Go that way.
07:06Nothing funny about that?
07:13But why don't we see me do my laundry in slow motion?
07:32Tired of good equipment in slow motion.
07:34Alright, we've got over the
08:48Look at that.
08:48This is what it looks like to be at a club normally.
08:51Hey, come on, man.
08:53Excuse me.
08:54Excuse me.
08:59You're a robot.
09:05You make me sick.
09:09I'm sorry about it.
09:11Oh!
09:13He's so corny.
09:19Terrible.
09:20Terrible what they did to me.
09:22Why don't we take a look at that in slow motion, though?
09:24Oh!
09:26Oh!
09:32Oh!
09:41Oh!
09:44Oh!
09:44Oh!
09:46Oh!
09:56I want to suck your dick!
10:01Oh!
10:05Oh!
10:06Oh, oh, oh, oh.
10:41Oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh.
10:50Oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh.
10:59Much better.
11:01That was much better.
11:05Of course, you gotta remember this concept is not across the board.
11:09It doesn't work with everything, just most things.
11:11Some things look worse in slow motion.
11:14Like, for instance, here's a tape of me taking a shit.
11:18That happens.
11:22Oh, oh, oh.
11:27Pretty disgusting.
11:30Let's see that same shit in slow motion.
11:49People be mad about it.
11:50Like, R. Kelly, I seen R. Kelly in Chicago.
11:52He's mad at me.
11:58There ain't no punchline to that.
11:59That nigga is mad.
12:01How you gonna make a video about peeing on somebody?
12:05Nigga, how you gonna make a video about peeing on somebody?
12:14And on that note, take a quick commercial break,
12:17and we'll be right back for some more Chappelle's show.
12:29Welcome back to Chappelle's show.
12:34America's number one source for offensive comedy.
12:40You know what's cool about being an American?
12:42We all mixed up.
12:44I'm talking about genetically.
12:46We all got a little something in us, right?
12:48And then some people is more than others.
12:51And that's when we get to arguing.
12:53For instance, my wife is Asian.
12:55I'm black.
12:56And we argue about which half of Tiger Woods
12:59is hitting the ball so good.
13:03Derek Jeter is another guy like that.
13:05Holly Berry is somebody else.
13:07We have got to stop arguing about who was what.
13:10We need to just settle this once and for all.
13:13We need to have a draft.
13:14That's right, I said it.
13:19Good evening and welcome to the first
13:21and maybe only racial draft here in New York City.
13:24Folks, this is for all the marbles.
13:26What happens here will state the racial standing
13:28of these Americans once and for all.
13:30That's right.
13:31And the crowd is here to support their races.
13:34Well, Rob, some of the biggest names in sports
13:36and in entertainment are on the line tonight.
13:38And I'm excited to see who's going to be drafted
13:40by which race.
13:41Seated behind me on the stage there
13:43are the various representatives.
13:45And believe it or not,
13:46the blacks have actually won the first pick.
13:48Wow, that's the first lottery a black person's won
13:51in a long time, Billy.
13:52Yes, and they'll probably still complain.
13:55Man, thank you.
13:57Well, the black representative is heading
13:58to the microphone now.
13:59Why don't we take a listen?
14:01We're in a black delegation.
14:05Shoot Tiger Woods.
14:10No surprises there,
14:12but the richest and most dominant athlete
14:14in the world,
14:15his father black,
14:17his mother Thai.
14:18Well, it doesn't matter anymore
14:19because now he is officially black.
14:22Dave, the Asians have got to be upset.
14:25There's no question about that, Rob.
14:27But he had to think about it.
14:28He's been discriminated against in his time.
14:30He's had death threats.
14:31And he dates a white woman.
14:33Sounds like a black guy to me.
14:35Tiger's taking a stage there.
14:37And if you ask me,
14:38he's looking blacker already.
14:39Oh, I'd like to say
14:41a tremendous opportunity for me
14:45to finally be part of a race,
14:47have a home.
14:49Been so confused
14:51if I'm Cavalese
14:52and so many things.
14:57So long, fried rice.
14:59Hello, fried chicken.
15:00I love you, guys.
15:09I always wanted to say this.
15:13For shizzle.
15:21Well, it seems as though Tiger Woods
15:23is happy to be black,
15:24and that's a good thing
15:25because I just received word
15:27that he lost all his endorsements.
15:29Ooh, that's a tough one.
15:30Oh, Amex, Tag Hewer, Wheaties,
15:33the whole shebang-a-bang.
15:34Tough break, nigga.
15:36It's always spooky.
15:38All right, coming up now
15:40are the Jews.
15:41Many have speculated
15:43about their pick.
15:44I'm guessing they're gonna pick Madonna
15:45and finish off the job
15:47Kabbalah started.
15:48Yes, well, Rob,
15:49she was born and raised Catholic,
15:50then she became a whore,
15:52but over the last decade,
15:53she has studied the Kabbalah,
15:54and she even wrote
15:55a Kabbalah's children's book.
15:57Hmm.
15:58Oh, here come the Jews.
15:59Why don't we take a look downstairs?
16:03Today, we, the Jewish people,
16:06take Lenny Kravitz.
16:10Wow, a surprise move
16:12the Jews pick Lenny Kravitz, folks.
16:14He's actually half black
16:16and half Jewish.
16:17His mother was on
16:18The Jeffersons,
16:19a pivotal show in black culture,
16:21and his father, a Jew,
16:23was her lawyer.
16:25Heh, couldn't make that up.
16:26Well, Lenny is all Jewish now.
16:29Uh, unfortunately,
16:31Lenny can't make it here to accept
16:32he's in Miami Beach.
16:34Miami Beach?
16:35Well, he must have got that news
16:36about being Jewish early.
16:39All right, the Latins are up now.
16:41Why don't we all take
16:42an escutcher to their pick?
16:44We, the Latinos,
16:46choose
16:49Elian Gonzalez.
16:53I don't understand that one.
16:55We wanted to do this
16:57before the white people
16:58try to adopt him
16:59as one of their own.
17:00Again.
17:04Okay.
17:05Guess whose turn it is.
17:07White people.
17:08Let's see what direction
17:09they go in.
17:10Halle Berry is still available,
17:11as is Mariah Carey's crazy ass.
17:14Crap.
17:16It's very mature, Rondell.
17:20Thank you all.
17:21Good afternoon.
17:22Excuse me.
17:24Pardon me.
17:25Hey, will you cut the malarkey?
17:27Okay, I'm talking.
17:28There's a white man talking up here.
17:30Silencio.
17:32Ungawa.
17:36Damn it.
17:37We, the white delegation,
17:38are very proud to announce
17:40our pick this year,
17:42Colin Powell.
17:44What?
17:45Colin Powell is not white.
17:47He's not even an eighth white.
17:50He's 100% black.
17:52Last I heard.
17:53Wow, I gotta wonder
17:54how the blacks
17:54are gonna be taking this one.
17:58We, the black delegation,
18:00accept the white delegations
18:02offer to draft Colin Powell
18:05on the condition
18:06that they also accept
18:07Condoleezza Rice
18:08as part of the Dale Connors.
18:13Well,
18:15by the power
18:16that's what we need
18:17by white people everywhere,
18:19we accept.
18:20You got yourself
18:21a goddamn deal.
18:27Black delegation
18:28requests Eminem.
18:29Wait a goddamn minute,
18:30Rondell.
18:30That's not part of the party.
18:32I'm a hustler lady.
18:33All right.
18:33Well, no hustling me.
18:35I'm talking to
18:36the ultimate hustler.
18:37I tell you what,
18:38let's make all things fair.
18:39We keep Eminem.
18:41You get O.J. Simpson.
18:43Shut up.
18:45No, baby.
18:47Incredible.
18:48A first round
18:48absolutely chock full of surprises.
18:51Unbelievable.
18:52Colin Powell
18:52and Condoleezza Rice
18:53now officially white.
18:55O.J. Black again.
18:57What a day.
18:59You know,
19:00if white people
19:01didn't even get away
19:02with picking a black person,
19:03I bet they would have picked
19:04Oprah.
19:05Oh, well, absolutely, Rob.
19:06Thick thighs,
19:08no felonies.
19:08She definitely
19:09would have been
19:09a great pickup.
19:10Okay,
19:10the Chinese delegation
19:11is up next.
19:13Although they're the last,
19:14they've been waiting
19:15with zen-like patience.
19:17My guess is Yao Ming.
19:19He's been spending
19:19a lot of time
19:20with blacks learning
19:21slang and shit-talking.
19:23If they're not careful,
19:24they might lose them.
19:25The Asian delegation
19:27chooses
19:29the RZA,
19:30the JZA,
19:32and by
19:32Inspector Dex,
19:34Ghostface Killa,
19:35the Wu-Tang Clan.
19:38Oh, my God.
19:39Jesus.
19:39Oh, my God.
19:40But I have just
19:41moved with my own
19:42two ears.
19:43This is by far
19:44the coolest upset
19:45of the night.
19:46The Chinese delegation
19:47pulling a fast one
19:49and choosing
19:49the entire
19:50Wu-Tang Clan.
19:52Wu-Tang!
19:53Wu-Tang!
19:54This is big for us,
19:55yo,
19:55because we've always
19:56been a fan
19:57of the Kung Fu
19:58and the Chinese culture
19:59and shit,
20:00so yo,
20:00it's like bong bong,
20:01you know?
20:01Yeah, I want to
20:02remind everybody
20:03to diversify
20:04y'all bonds.
20:05And RZA got
20:06an announcement
20:06to make.
20:07Oh, yeah.
20:09Old Dirty
20:10has now changed
20:11its name
20:11from Dirt McGirt
20:12to the Old Dirty
20:14Chinese Restaurant.
20:15Oh, yeah.
20:17Oh, yeah.
20:18Oh, yeah.
20:18Oh, yeah.
20:19Oh, yeah.
20:20Oh, yeah.
20:21Oh, yeah.
20:23Konnichiwa, bitches.
20:25Folks, thanks
20:26for joining us
20:26on this incredible night.
20:28Our coverage ends here,
20:29but be sure
20:30to catch the rest
20:30on our website.
20:32Congratulations
20:32to all of the races
20:34and konnichiwa, bitches.
20:40We're going to take
20:41a quick commercial break,
20:42but don't go nowhere.
20:43We'll be right back
20:44with more Chappelle show.
20:46Oh, yeah.
20:50I'd like to thank
20:51each and every one of you
20:52for being here tonight,
20:53and I'd like to thank
20:54everybody at home
20:55for watching,
20:56and hopefully I'll see you
20:57next week.
20:57I'm out.
21:02Rich, biatch!
21:04Hi, thank you.
21:06How's it taste, motherfucker?
21:09Huh?
21:09Can you stop yelling at me?
21:11No, I can't stop yelling at you.
21:13This is my acting style.
21:15You haven't seen my movies?
21:18Jackie Brown?
21:19Star Wars?
21:21The one where I say,
21:22yes, they deserve to die,
21:24and I hope they burn in hell.
21:27Isn't that too?
21:28I was in juice
21:30with Tupac Shakur.
21:33Where you go?
21:34Juice, niggas!
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