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00:00Look to the future now, so here it is, Merry Christmas, Merry Christmas, Merry Christmas.
00:30Merry Christmas, Merry Christmas, Merry Christmas, Merry Christmas, Merry Christmas, Merry Christmas, Merry Christmas, Merry Christmas, Merry Christmas, Merry Christmas,
00:40Merry Christmas, Merry Christmas, Merry Christmas, Merry Christmas, Merry Christmas, Merry Christmas, Merry Christmas, Merry Christmas, Merry Christmas, Merry Christmas,
00:40Merry Christmas, Merry Christmas, Merry Christmas, Merry Christmas, Merry Christmas, Merry Christmas, Merry Christmas, Merry Christmas, Merry Christmas, Merry Christmas,
00:40Merry Christmas, Merry Christmas, Merry Christmas, Merry Christmas, Merry Christmas, Merry Christmas, Merry Christmas, Merry Christmas, Merry Christmas, Merry Christmas,
00:45Merry Christmas, Merry Christmas, Merry Christmas, Merry Christmas, Merry Christmas, Merry Christmas, Merry Christmas, Merry Christmas, Merry Christmas, Merry Christmas,
00:45Merry Christmas, Merry Christmas, Merry Christmas, Merry Christmas, Merry Christmas, Merry Christmas, Merry Christmas, Merry Christmas, Merry Christmas, Merry Christmas,
00:46Merry Christmas, Merry Christmas, Merry Christmas, Merry Christmas, Merry Christmas, Merry Christmas, Merry Christmas, Merry Christmas, Merry Christmas, Merry Christmas,
00:54Merry Christmas, Merry Christmas, Merry Christmas, Merry Christmas, Merry
01:08It's time for us to emigrate, or at least discuss the advantages of a suicide pact.
01:14How are we feeling this morning?
01:15Oh, great. How else could I feel? I'm 31 years of age and I work for Trotter's Independent Traders.
01:22A lot of people would give their right arm to be in your position.
01:25Oh, no. They're all tucked up safe and sound in their padded cells.
01:29At least you seem a bit more cheerful than yesterday.
01:32You should come round to Trotter Towers when we were morning, Cash.
01:36It'd give Terry Waite a shake.
01:39I mean, you can't move for teething rings, farly rusts and funny smells.
01:44It's like Nightmare on Sesame Street.
01:48Raquel's got post-natal depression. Albert's got post-naval depression.
01:52And Damien keeps chucking toys at my head.
01:55You're a big baby. They're only fluffy dolls.
01:58Yeah, I know. Del's bought him a Tonka toy for Christmas.
02:03How is Del now?
02:04Oh, he's still putting a brave face on it, you know.
02:07Laughing and joking all the time.
02:10He's worrying the life out of me.
02:12I mean, we haven't bought us all the thing in months, and he's running round like Ken Dodd on ecstasy.
02:19Well, I don't know. Maybe it's just a recession, eh?
02:21We're broke. He won't admit it.
02:23There's a lot of people in the same boat.
02:26You're doing all right.
02:27What does that mean?
02:28Well, you've got your promotion at the bank, haven't you?
02:31I'm in charge of small business investment at our Peckham branch.
02:34It's hardly the house of Elliot, is it?
02:37At least you've done something. I'm just me.
02:41You'll do for me, big boy.
02:48I'd better make a coffee.
02:50No, stay here a while.
02:53You know what I'd like to do?
02:56No.
02:58I'd like us to go away for a weekend.
03:00Somewhere really nice.
03:01Just the two of us.
03:03I know we can't afford it at the moment,
03:05but I get a bonus at the end of the year,
03:06so maybe then, eh?
03:08Yeah.
03:11Look, I'm sorry, Case.
03:12I've been feeling down, a bit pressurised, you know.
03:16That's why I've been, well,
03:18a bit lacking in certain areas recently.
03:20I understand.
03:22That's why I want us to go away.
03:24So you can relax.
03:27Is that nice?
03:28Yeah, that is really good.
03:30Don't answer it.
03:31Why not?
03:32It's still.
03:33How do you know?
03:34That's his ring.
03:34It's something that's been ringing.
03:36Seven o'clock?
03:37That don't matter to Del, does it?
03:38It sleeps for wince, remember?
03:40Well, it could be Mummy.
03:41I mean, she might be ill for all we know.
03:43Still don't answer it.
03:45Oh, don't be ridiculous.
03:47Hello?
03:48Morning, Del.
03:50I left five minutes ago.
03:52No, he left about five minutes ago.
03:54Hmm.
03:55Yeah.
03:57Well, I know he's your brother.
03:59I know that Rodney's worried about you as well.
04:02Well, look, it happens to a lot of men when they're under stress.
04:07I don't believe him.
04:09Well, aren't you the lucky one?
04:12Have I got a what?
04:14No, I haven't.
04:15And I wouldn't know where to get one.
04:17Tell him the money's own bloody...
04:20Rodney's just popped back.
04:23No, he's left again.
04:25Yeah.
04:26All right.
04:26Well, yeah, thanks, Del.
04:28Bon joe.
04:29Bye.
04:32Toast of marmalade?
04:52Rodney, need tea in the pot.
04:54Yeah, plenty.
04:59There you are, darling.
05:19Are you at the radio?
05:24No.
05:24No, Elton John's just popped in.
05:26He's rehearsing in the kitchen.
05:29He'd see the pot, Rodney.
05:31No, same thing.
05:33Call that music.
05:34It's a bloody racket.
05:36That's all you youngsters are interested in.
05:38Noise, noise, noise.
05:39Didn't your generation ever enjoy itself, Albert?
05:42When I was your age, I was fighting in a war.
05:44Then you must have made more bloody noise than me then, didn't you?
05:54Hello, soldier.
05:56How are you?
05:57You're a little cracker, aren't you?
06:00Oh, Rudders, I can't imagine this flat without Damien, can you?
06:03No.
06:05Little devil.
06:07You all right, Rodney?
06:08Yeah, fine.
06:09No, I mean, you all right?
06:14Yes, everything's all right.
06:15That's all right, then.
06:16Why, what's wrong, then?
06:17No, nothing, sweetheart.
06:18Everything is cushy between Rodders and Cassandra.
06:20Ain't it, Rodney, eh?
06:21Just a little bit of stress.
06:24This can happen to any man.
06:26I just happen to be a bit, well, lucky, that's all.
06:29Go and do us a bit of breakfast, will you, sweetheart?
06:31Do you?
06:32Don't you think I've got enough to do?
06:33I've got the baby to feed and clean.
06:35I've got the old man of the sea there moaning because his egg was running.
06:37I've got the bed to make, hoovering to do, washing and ironing to do,
06:40and I finish all that just in time to cook dinner.
06:42Do it yourself, trotter.
06:44Albert, you can feed the baby.
06:50Well, I don't know what's the matter with her.
06:52Really, I don't.
06:54I keep asking her, but she won't tell me.
06:56Oh, come on.
06:59I don't know.
07:02I mean, what more does she want?
07:04She's got a nice home.
07:06Lovely little baby.
07:09Couldn't ask for a better bloke than me, could she?
07:11No.
07:11No.
07:13Is she happy?
07:14No, she is not.
07:16I don't know, Rodney.
07:17I'm down that casino nearly every night till the early hours of the morning,
07:21trying to win us some money.
07:23If she knew how much I owed them, she'd realise how hard I've been trying.
07:29Doesn't seem to be happy with anything these days.
07:32Maybe it's these days that are the problem.
07:35None of us have got any money.
07:36There's nothing for her to look forward to.
07:38Just a daily round of washing and ironing and toil and boredom.
07:41Well, you've got to take the rough of the smooth, haven't you, Rodney, eh?
07:44Well, I'll tell you this much, brother.
07:45It's going to get a lot rougher before the end of the year.
07:48All right, dear.
07:48Let's have this out and open.
07:49I want the truth this time.
07:51Something's going on, and I've got a right to know what.
07:54No, everything's all right, Rodney.
07:55I mean, we've got no money, no business,
07:57and our future is about as bright as a Yugoslavian tour operators.
08:02But no, everything's kusty.
08:04Oh, there's something else, Del.
08:05I noticed it a little while ago.
08:07You've lost that sort of zip.
08:10The old Derek Trotter could smell a fibre in a false nine-gale.
08:14They used to say if Del Boy fell into a viper's pit,
08:16he'd come up wearing snakeskin shoes.
08:19You seem to have lost something.
08:21It's like you're carrying some sort of burden.
08:24Maybe that's affecting Raquel, because it's certainly affecting me.
08:27I ain't taking the blame for that thing.
08:29Will you shut up?
08:33Now, look, Derek, if you don't tell me what's going on, I'm going to...
08:38Well, I don't know what I'm going to do.
08:39I just think it's fair I should know.
08:43No, you're right, Rodney.
08:45I can't keep anything from you, can I, brother?
08:48Do you remember, what, a couple of years ago,
08:50I applied to the council to buy this flat?
08:53Well, what with the local council elections and the strike and all that,
08:56got put to one side, and I forgot all about it.
08:58That was until a couple of days ago.
09:01Then right out of the blue, all me paperwork has come through.
09:04I own this flat.
09:08Oh, bloody hell.
09:10Well, I worked it out.
09:12The mortgage is two and a half times the rent, and I can't afford the rent.
09:18That's what's upset Raquel.
09:19No, she don't know about it.
09:20I haven't told her yet.
09:22Tell her what else comes with this flat.
09:24Do you remember Grandad's old allotment?
09:26Oh, not that.
09:27Yeah, that.
09:28I mean, what do I want with an allotment?
09:29Oh, blimey.
09:30No one's even been near it for yonks.
09:32In the last 30 years, more people have walked on the moon
09:35than they have on that allotment.
09:37Honestly, an allotment.
09:39That makes you sick, doesn't it, eh?
09:41I feel like a mosquito who's caught malaria.
09:54What a surprise.
09:56Come here.
10:00I'll feed him.
10:03What else take him to have a nap?
10:05Puts you right off, doesn't it, eh?
10:07Nothing worse than wheat or bixing a beard, is it?
10:22It's all going right down the tubes, Rodney.
10:25I've got to get some money from somewhere.
10:27It's getting on top of me, bruv.
10:28I'm cracking up.
10:30Thanks, bruv.
10:32All right, Dom.
10:33Come and have a sit down and listen to me.
10:35What?
10:36What else is this bloke hosting on a few years back at my evening school?
10:38He reminded me of you in many ways.
10:40What?
10:40Eh, he's a really bright, dynamic, go-ahead sort of bloke, you know?
10:44But like I say, in other ways, he reminded me of you.
10:48He was a kind of take a gamble, you know?
10:50Weren't frightened to live in on the edge.
10:52Anyway, a couple of years ago,
10:54he found the very thing you're always looking for.
10:55A gap in the market.
10:57Oh, yeah.
10:57Gap in a warehouse door would suit me at the moment.
11:00Miles' name was.
11:01Miles?
11:02Yeah, bit of a friend of the earth, you know.
11:04Liked all that natural food.
11:05Even grew his own vegetables.
11:06Yeah, he certainly sounds the dynamic sort.
11:09Oh, no, don't knock it.
11:10There was a massive market.
11:11More and more people are turning to health food for...
11:14Well, for the real.
11:16Anyway, what Miles noticed was, right,
11:18if he wanted to buy a bag of natural fertiliser,
11:21he had to go to a specialist garden centre or a smallholding or something, right?
11:24But then, if he wanted some organic vegetables,
11:27he had to go to a health food shop, all right?
11:29So he hit upon the idea of combining the two entities.
11:32Oh.
11:32One centre where you can buy all your natural fertiliser and your health food.
11:37Well, he now owns four of these places, Phil.
11:39And next month, he's opening up a new one in Maidenhead.
11:41In Maidenhead.
11:42Oh, no, yeah.
11:43In two and a half years, he has become a millionaire.
11:49Millionaire?
11:49At least.
11:51And?
11:52And what?
11:53Oh.
11:54What's in it for us?
11:56Oh, yeah.
11:57Well, me and Cassie go shopping there sometimes.
11:59Because she likes all that natural food.
12:00No, no, no.
12:00I'm not talking about all that.
12:01I'm just saying, you know.
12:04Where do we come in?
12:06Well, then.
12:10What did you tell me for, then?
12:12Well, I just wanted to point out that even in these dark days of recession,
12:15some people are doing well.
12:17So that was just a nice little story, then, was it?
12:24That's like the parable of the lucky git.
12:29Well, that's cheered me right up, that, eh?
12:31I've got to go and tell Raquel this one, yeah.
12:35Raquel?
12:35Raquel, you've got to come out here and listen to Rodney's story about some mush who's doing
12:38really, really well.
12:40Oh, yeah.
12:40He's made a couple of million, apparently.
12:42Well, it's warm the cockles of my heart, sweetheart.
12:45Oh, yes.
12:46Well, I'm just going to punch Rodney on the nose, and then I'm off out.
12:50Dear.
12:51I shall get my mouth shut now.
12:54Where are you going today, darling?
12:58I don't know, sweetheart.
12:59You know, move you about a bit, see if I can make us a bit of poppy.
13:01I've got a much better idea.
13:03Yeah?
13:03Why don't you go down and sort out your allotment?
13:07This arrived this morning from the council.
13:10It's a summons.
13:10A summons?
13:12Mmm.
13:13Apparently, people have been dumping rubbish on your allotment.
13:16It's now considered to be an environmental health hazard.
13:19They've given you two weeks to clear it up, or you've got to appear in court.
13:21They even mention the possibility of a custodial sentence.
13:26Oh, well, there's a thing, isn't it, eh?
13:27Are you going to tell me what the hell's happening, or I've got to starve it out of you?
13:30Well, you've sort of spoiled the moment now, sweetheart.
13:33Because I was going to tell you tonight.
13:35Tell me what?
13:35I'll tell you tonight.
13:36Now.
13:38It's about the flat.
13:39What about the flat?
13:42It's ours.
13:44I've bought it.
13:46I've bought it.
13:50I've bought it.
13:59Oh, good!
14:00Oh, I thought you'd be happy, Tony.
14:01I'll go and get a bottle of champagne to celebrate.
14:02Not for me, Derek.
14:03I feel light-headed already.
14:05Well, there we are, Donnie.
14:06We've bought our own home.
14:07It's ours.
14:08We could do what we like with it.
14:09Like what?
14:10Add a conservatory or a nice patio?
14:12At least we've got a roof over our heads.
14:14And 14 other families.
14:18I'm going to change the baby's nappy.
14:25I think she's really excited about it.
14:28Well, there wouldn't be.
14:30Yeah.
14:31Well, you know, I'll go and calm her down a bit.
14:38Well, you're all right, sweetheart.
14:41All right, I reckon.
14:42All right.
14:43Listen, I don't blame you for having the rats.
14:46I mean, the way things are, it's enough to give Harry's eat and the ump.
14:48But you know me.
14:49I'll bounce back again.
14:50Soon have some cash on the hit.
14:51Is that what you think this is all about, Del?
14:53Money?
14:53Well, what is it, Bernard?
14:54God, haven't you noticed, Derek, that I haven't been out of this flat for months?
14:58Well, have you go shopping three times a week?
14:59I'm not talking about shopping.
15:00I mean going out.
15:02And there's another thing, Del.
15:04Last year, I decorated our baby's room.
15:06Yes, I know.
15:06A blinding job you made of it, too, sweetheart.
15:08You went out and got a piece of carpet.
15:10It didn't fit, but...
15:11Yeah, I know.
15:11I'm still on the lookout for that.
15:12And our baby had his own little room.
15:14Warm, cosy, safe.
15:16Then three months ago, you evicted Damien, moved him in with us, and filled his lovely
15:20little room with all your old junk.
15:21Junk?
15:22Junk?
15:22That is not junk, Raquel.
15:23That is my stock.
15:24Your stock.
15:25Old junk.
15:26Same thing.
15:26Look, Raquel, you don't seem to understand.
15:28Don't you remember that someone broke into the garage and nicked off my junk at stock?
15:33That's why I had to bring the rest of it up here for its own protection.
15:35Oh, Del, hasn't it dawned on you yet?
15:39All you have in that room is what the thieves left behind.
15:43How the hell do you hope to sell it when the burglars wouldn't take it for free?
15:47LAUGHTER
15:50LAUGHTER
15:51LAUGHTER
15:55150, brossel peas.
15:57I know.
15:58Well, fashion changes so fast in the pop world, I was taken unawares.
16:02275, free Nelson Mandela T-shirts.
16:05LAUGHTER
16:07I know.
16:07Look, I bought these on the Thursday evening.
16:09By Saturday morning, he was out on parole.
16:11LAUGHTER
16:12How was I to know that, eh?
16:14LAUGHTER
16:18Charles and Dyer wedding plates.
16:21Nothing that a good sorting out wouldn't cure.
16:25A nine-carat identity bracelet inscribed with name Gary.
16:29LAUGHTER
16:30We've got a box full of men's wigs that you bought before Damien was born.
16:34Fifty pirated versions of the Poseidon Adventure.
16:38All on Betamax.
16:40LAUGHTER
16:40200 litres of Romanian Riesling.
16:44LAUGHTER
16:45Clear it out, Del.
16:46Dump it with the rest of the rubbish on your allotment.
16:48Just clear the room out and give it back to our baby.
16:51Yeah, but who's to say that I won't sell all this tomorrow?
16:54What are the chances of your bumping into a bald-headed, anti-apartheid, deep-sea-diving Ross fan
16:59who has a Betamax video recorder, likes Romanian Riesling and whose name is Gary?
17:04LAUGHTER
17:05LAUGHTER
17:09All right, I'll clear it out first thing in the morning.
17:11That would cheer me up, Del, really.
17:12I'll be a happy woman again, promise.
17:15Yeah, you wait till you see our mortgage.
17:19Oh.
17:21Oh.
17:22Dear Lord, please let me prove to you that wealth won't spoil me.
17:28LAUGHTER
17:31Raquel said we had to help you clear this room now.
17:32Oh, yes, that's right, brothers.
17:33Yeah, yeah, yeah.
17:34So we're going to clear all this out, you know, get rid of it.
17:36Make a clean start.
17:37You're not getting rid of the wine, are you?
17:38You could flock that to Mike at the next age.
17:40No, I can't, Rod.
17:41He's a very good friend.
17:42And he's tasted it.
17:43Yeah, and he's tasted it.
17:45LAUGHTER
17:47What did you buy that thing for?
17:49It was a surprise present for you,
17:50so that you could go down and visit all the chefs that you say all need.
17:54LAUGHTER
17:54LAUGHTER
17:59It's a Sunday supplement somewhere that diving was all to go with the uppies.
18:02Oh, they meant stupid.
18:03Huh?
18:05Can't matter.
18:06No.
18:07It seems to shame to throw it all away.
18:09Yeah, well, what else can I do with it?
18:10We can't put it in a garage, it ain't safe, is it?
18:12What about Grandad's shed?
18:14Eh, what shed?
18:14One on his allotment.
18:15Well, your allotment, then.
18:17Yeah, his old shed, you're right, Rodders.
18:19We could bug it all the way there.
18:20Good thinking, Rodney.
18:21Right, tell you what we'll do.
18:23I'll go downstairs, open the van door,
18:25you two bring all this stuff down.
18:27LAUGHTER
18:43Well, what do you reckon, then?
18:46What do I reckon?
18:48The last time I saw a place like this was in that film,
18:50Gorillas in the Mist.
18:53It's a jungle.
18:54Who knows what lives in there?
18:57Gail!
18:57Gordon!
18:59Robert, will you stop doing that?
19:00You nearly gave me a connery.
19:03God, could have sworn I saw the blowpipe and the poison dart.
19:06Have you seen all that rubbish that's been dumped round there?
19:11This is ruining my zoo, isn't it?
19:14God, look at this lot.
19:17Dear, what are these drums doing?
19:19I don't know.
19:19But they're full.
19:20I wonder what's in them.
19:22There's one open here.
19:24Some sort of yellow stuff.
19:27God, blimey, smell that.
19:31Dear, what is that?
19:32I don't know.
19:33They could be toxic.
19:34Yeah.
19:35Could be bloody poisonous and all.
19:40Oh, boy!
19:41Dave!
19:43Don't fancy coming to sweep this lot up for us, do you?
19:46I'm not a road sweeper anymore.
19:48No?
19:48What are you now, then, a piano-tuner?
19:50I'm an environmental hygienist.
19:53And what do they do when they're at home?
19:55Well, they sweep the roads.
19:58But the council have upgraded me.
20:01Yeah, perhaps Trigger knows what this is.
20:03This is game, isn't it?
20:05Leave it out, Albert.
20:06Trigger couldn't find his way out of a telephone box.
20:08He's never come across it on his rounds.
20:10Have a little treat.
20:16It's some sort of yellow stuff.
20:21You were bloody right, Albert.
20:23He's got it spot on.
20:24No hesitation, was there?
20:26I tell you, you have got to get rid of this stuff.
20:28And fast.
20:28This is the environmental health hazard that the council was talking about.
20:32Oh, well, then we'll pour it down a drain, then.
20:35You can't pour it down a public sewer.
20:37It might be volatile.
20:38You could end up with sh...
20:40You could create a disaster area.
20:43There's a 24-hour waste disposal depot down Stamford Road.
20:46Drop them off down there.
20:47Yeah, that's a good idea.
20:48Thanks, Trigg.
20:50There you are.
20:51Right, we can get these in the back of the van, can't we, Rodney?
20:53No.
20:57Well, how am I going to get rid of them, then?
21:02Help, boys!
21:05Rodney!
21:08Denzel.
21:13Let's get these drums in the back of your van.
21:16Hey, hang on, not so fast.
21:18What are these things?
21:19It's nothing to worry about.
21:21It's just, you know, some gunge.
21:24Gunge?
21:25What sort of gunge?
21:27What do you mean, what sort of gunge?
21:29Gunge is gunge, isn't it?
21:31Hang on, Trigg.
21:32For all we know, this could be anything.
21:34I mean, it could be, it could be Concorde fuel.
21:37No, it's not Concorde fuel.
21:40It's Antifreeze out of the Starship Enterprise.
21:43Bloody fuel.
21:44There'll be battery acid out of Thunderbirds 3 next.
21:47What?
21:48Look.
21:50Do you want this contract or not?
21:52Because I am a busy man, right?
21:53I've got things to do, haven't I?
21:54Right?
21:55But how can we be certain that this stuff isn't dangerous?
21:59Because it is not, and that is the truth.
22:02God, dear.
22:04There you are.
22:05You've heard it from the horse's mouth now.
22:06You get that in.
22:07What do you mean I've heard it from the horse's mouth?
22:09That's Derek Trotter in there, not bloody Einstein.
22:13Del knows what he's talking about.
22:15And I don't see what a Beatles manager's got to do with it anyway.
22:18What should we...
22:22When we was at school, Del was the best in our class at chemistry.
22:25He used to sell homemade fireworks.
22:27He even blew up the science lab once.
22:30Yes, I remember.
22:31I was doing detention in there at the time.
22:33You say you don't know what he's talking about.
22:36Right, that's it, Del.
22:37I am not touching them.
22:38I'm off.
22:38Denzel.
22:39Now, believe me, it's harmless.
22:41And to prove it, I'm going to help you carry it.
22:43Look, I can't say better than that, can I?
22:46Look, they can't be dangerous, Denzel.
22:48How can you be sure?
22:50Because Del's just offered to help us carry them.
22:55Yeah, all right, Trey, all right.
23:06Lovely, lovely.
23:19It's closed.
23:25It's a bit late.
23:26You said it was open 24 hours a day.
23:29Yeah, but not at night.
23:37So what do we do now?
23:38Well, we've got 6,000 gallons of something in the back of my van.
23:44We could take it down the other council depot I used to work at.
23:48Is it open?
23:49No.
23:50Well, what's the point in taking it to your depot if that's not open either?
23:54Well, it soon will be open.
23:56I've got a spare set of keys here.
23:59Lovely.
24:01Are you sure this is all right?
24:03Well, who cares?
24:04Yeah, no problems.
24:05Come on, back up.
24:06You're all right behind, Denzel.
24:07I mean, is it legal?
24:08Yes!
24:10Mess up with you, Denzel.
24:12Don't mean it's bloody hot in here.
24:16I can't see the fascination with this diving lot.
24:30There you are.
24:31Now, aren't you glad you listened to me tonight?
24:34Hmm?
24:35These are austere times, Denzel.
24:37If it hadn't been for my persuasion, you would have lost the contract tonight.
24:41Yeah, I suppose you're right.
24:42No, suppose so about it.
24:44Right.
24:45That's 50 quid I owe you.
24:47Tell me this!
24:49I'm not going to ask you to do this as a favour for me, no matter how much you want
24:52to.
24:53Yeah, but I tell you...
24:54No, no, no, no.
24:54Don't try and persuade me, Denzel, because you're just going to waste your breath.
24:57I'm going to see you for that money and no arguments.
25:00He'd do anything for anyone, this bloke, wouldn't he, eh?
25:03That's what mates are all about.
25:04Of course it is.
25:05Gets you right here, doesn't it?
25:08Well, down in my book, Denzel.
25:11Shant forget tonight.
25:14Same here.
25:20Thanks for everything.
25:21See you, Denzel.
25:22See you, Trig.
25:24Good night, Bill.
25:25See you.
25:38What's this?
25:39I know that bloke I was telling you about, Miles.
25:42What, the one that's done, you know, really well, and has become a million there in two
25:47boxy years, isn't it?
25:49Well, this is one of his places.
25:51Oh, what are we doing here then?
25:52Oh, Cassie asked me to go and get a bit of shopping.
25:55Shopping?
25:56Yeah.
25:57For dinner tonight.
26:01Hey, listen.
26:03What's the point of getting married and then doing the bloody shopping yourself?
26:06Oh, no wonder you've got problems.
26:07Oi.
26:08You keep your nose out of my business, all right?
26:10All right, all right, all right.
26:16Good night.
26:17We're getting off pen and ink in here, don't we?
26:18Shh.
26:19That's the fertiliser in the menu.
26:21And the other things.
26:23Every single item in this shop has been grown the way nature intended.
26:26Oh, yeah?
26:27Well, that must be very nice for you and Cassandra to sit down to dinner knowing that everything
26:32on your plate was once under a pile of horse shit.
26:37We'll get the rest of the shopping and then we'll be off.
26:39Oh, well, hurry up, will you?
26:41No.
26:42You've seen the price of these spuds?
26:44Yeah.
26:45Well, you pay the extra because they're organic.
26:47I tell you, there's no E120 additives in these foods.
26:51E120s?
26:51What are you talking about?
26:53E120s.
26:54Before you met Cassandra, you thought an E120 was a bust.
27:06Oh, well, maybe she liked this water even more.
27:24Look, this one's only 72 pence a bottle.
27:26God, is this what people are spending their money on nowadays?
27:30Yeah.
27:31It's one of the few remaining growth industries.
27:33Is it?
27:34Is it really?
27:35Rodney.
27:37Miles.
27:42How are you doing?
27:43Pretty good.
27:43Yourself?
27:44Oh, yeah.
27:44It's all right.
27:45All right.
27:45Oh, Miles, this is my brother Derek.
27:47Del, this is Miles.
27:48Oh, pleased to meet you, sir.
27:50Yes, and you.
27:51So, what do you think?
27:52In one word, impressed.
27:54Yes, in one word, bloody expensive.
27:58Expensive?
27:58Well, yeah.
27:59Look at the price of your spuds and your carrots.
28:00Not to mention your Brussels sprout tops.
28:03Twenty-eight pence a bottle.
28:04Water?
28:05Seventy-two pence a bottle?
28:06That water happens to come from the most natural sources in Britain.
28:09And Switzerland, and France, and Italy, I might add.
28:13I'm a founder member of the Swans Committee.
28:15All right.
28:16Oh, Swans?
28:17What, them big white duck things?
28:20No, Del, it's an acronym.
28:23Oh, that's what I thought.
28:25I was just about to say that's an anacronym.
28:28Bet you like.
28:29Put money on it.
28:30Had you'd have been right.
28:31Yeah, that's right, yeah.
28:32What do you feed them on?
28:35Your anacronyms.
28:37Del, it's not a duck or a ghost or nothing.
28:40Anacronym is a name made out of the initials of another set of words.
28:45Oh, yeah.
28:46Oh, that's an acronym.
28:47Oh, yeah.
28:49Yeah, well, I've got a rush, Rodney.
28:51It's been, um...
28:53Well, it's been real.
28:54Yeah.
28:55Yeah.
28:57Big bloody ducks.
29:03Do what?
29:06Swans are the initials of the spar, water, and natural spring.
29:09And Miles is a vice president.
29:11He's in charge of dishing out all the certificates of purity.
29:15Without his signature, none of these companies can sell their goods.
29:18Can't help but admire him.
29:20I tell you, that bloke is going places.
29:22Well, with a name like Miles, he's bounty.
29:27Cabbage.
29:36It just shows you what a little bit of hard work can do.
29:38Yeah, I know.
29:39Gives you a nice warm feeling, doesn't it, eh?
29:41What's a few aching muscles and blisters on your hands when you're confronted with a vision like this?
29:45Yeah, I know what you mean, Del.
29:47Yeah.
29:48Oh, look at that.
29:49It's twelve o'clock.
29:51Hey, you two.
29:54Come out, bite to eat.
29:55You've worked hard.
29:56You deserve it.
30:01Back in an hour, Del.
30:02You all right.
30:03No rustery.
30:04We're never going to get this finished today, you know.
30:06World is always tomorrow, Denzel.
30:07That's my motto.
30:08Okay.
30:09See you in an hour, then.
30:10All right.
30:17All right, Dave.
30:23What's your bloody game?
30:25Oh, hello.
30:25What's up, Ralph?
30:26Miles has just phoned the flat to confirm his appointment with you.
30:31Good.
30:32He's on his way, then.
30:33What's your game, Del?
30:35Huh?
30:37Nothing, Rodders.
30:38Nothing.
30:39No.
30:41Just that after our visit to Miles' place last week,
30:44something happened to me, Rodney.
30:46It came like a blinding flash of light.
30:49It was like...
30:50It was like St. Paul's journey on the road for...
30:53Tabascus.
30:55These rough hands are going to feed my woman and my child, Rodney.
30:59I'm a born-again gardener.
31:01You've never done gardening in all your life.
31:04Well, I know, there.
31:05It's been a bit awkward, hasn't it?
31:06Twelve floors up on a tower block.
31:07But now's me guards.
31:08But, Del, to you, a King Edwards is something you smoke.
31:11And the only thing he's ever grown is a beard.
31:15You don't know anything about gardening.
31:18No, no.
31:19But I know a man who does.
31:21That's why I gave Miles a bell.
31:23He didn't seem to mind.
31:25Well, no, I suppose not.
31:27Be in his interest, wouldn't it, really?
31:28I mean, he could flog you his fertilisers and what have you.
31:30Well, exactly.
31:32He helps me and I help him.
31:33Conceal de Tart, as they say in Grenoble.
31:36Oh, yeah.
31:37Sounds like him now.
31:38Oh, yeah, look.
31:42Ship ahoy.
31:42Ship ahoy, Albert.
31:45Come here.
31:47You know what to say and do, don't you?
31:49Yeah.
31:49Leave it to me, son.
31:50Just a minute.
31:51Now, don't go overboard, will you?
31:53Just nice and easy, does it?
31:54Nice and easy.
31:55All right, off you go.
31:59Miles.
32:00How lovely to see you again.
32:02Beautiful day for someone to turn it, isn't it, eh?
32:05This is it?
32:06Yes.
32:07Yes, this is it.
32:08I thought you said you had land.
32:10You're even talking about leaving one area to lay fallow.
32:14No, it's just an allotment.
32:17Yes, I know it's an allotment.
32:18I can see it's an allotment.
32:19Yeah, well, you see, the thing is, Miles,
32:21that I'm new to all this gardening malarkey,
32:23and I thought, well, you being a friend,
32:25you could advise.
32:26And Rodney tells me that you're the kiddie
32:28when it comes to an organic suite.
32:30And don't forget, anything I need
32:31will be bought from your organic garden centre.
32:34Yes, well, OK, fine.
32:38Are you working with compost?
32:41No, no, I think it must be his pipe.
32:46No, I mean, do you have a compost heap?
32:48Oh, I see what you mean.
32:49Oh, no, not yet,
32:51but I'm keeping me eye open for one,
32:52you know what I mean?
32:54Yes, well, first things first,
32:55we have to try and ascertain
32:56what kind of soil you have.
32:59Oh.
33:01Oh, well, it's, um,
33:03it's this, it's this earthy sort,
33:04isn't it, look?
33:05There are many varieties of soil, Daryl.
33:10There's...
33:11Well, there's all sorts,
33:12isn't there, Miles?
33:14What's she doing now?
33:16He's a gardener.
33:20He's...
33:22What are you actually doing, Miles?
33:24I'm, uh, testing the soil
33:25for texture and structure.
33:28I'd watch it if I were you, son.
33:29There's a lot of cats round here.
33:32Yeah, but it's slightly alkaline.
33:34No, thanks, no, thanks, son.
33:35I had a fry-up earlier this morning.
33:38You do realise, Derek,
33:39it just could take five years
33:40of draining care
33:41to achieve the perfect crop?
33:42Oh, five years?
33:44Oh, I thought it would take a long time.
34:03I think we'll try a cocktail of fish meal,
34:06dried blood, mushroom compost,
34:08and...
34:08awesome cow meal.
34:10Lovely, jabbly.
34:16And then we'll have to talk
34:17about crop rotation.
34:20But the first thing
34:21is a good old-fashioned dignity.
34:24No, no, Miles,
34:25don't you do that.
34:25Albert will get it for you.
34:27What's that?
34:27What's what?
34:28The water.
34:28No.
34:29Oh, that is...
34:31Oh, that!
34:32Oh, that's just the old Peckham Spring.
34:34Ah, Rodney, there you are.
34:35Go and get Miles' soil testing kit
34:37from his car.
34:38No, no, no, no, no, wait a minute.
34:39The Peckham Spring.
34:41Oh, well, I never realised
34:42there was a spring in Peckham.
34:43Oh, yes.
34:44That's why it's called
34:45the Peckham Spring.
34:47It's in the Doomsday Book.
34:49We don't actually know
34:50where the spring comes from,
34:52do we, Rodney?
34:53Oh, it certainly sprung up
34:55from somewhere,
34:56hasn't it?
34:58Now, this is fascinating.
34:59Oh.
35:00A natural urban spring.
35:02This is a real discovery.
35:03Is it, um, is it pure?
35:05Ah, no, I wouldn't have thought
35:06it's pure, Miles.
35:07No, not with all this alkaline soil.
35:08Pure?
35:09I've been drinking that water
35:10but ever since I was
35:11a little nipper.
35:12Never done me any harm.
35:15Miles, don't take no notice of him.
35:17God, look at him.
35:18Look, he's 98, you know,
35:19and he's a bit...
35:22He's 98?
35:23Hmm.
35:24Yeah.
35:25What do you, Rodney?
35:26Yeah.
35:28But only recently.
35:31I wonder if you'd mind me
35:32taking a sample of this water
35:33away for analysis.
35:34What for, Mark?
35:35Oh, to test its purity.
35:36Oh, it ain't pure, Miles.
35:38You take my word for it.
35:40It ain't pure.
35:41No, I think Rodney's right
35:42on this one, Miles.
35:43I mean, it can't be pure,
35:44can it, eh?
35:44I mean, it comes right up
35:45from the centre of the earth
35:46all through the rocks and things.
35:48Yes.
35:49And it's those rocks and things
35:50that filter the water
35:51of its impurities
35:52and give it its
35:52life-preserving qualities.
35:54Minerals, Derek.
35:56Oh, sorry, you lost me
35:57on this one, Miles.
35:58I've got a feeling
35:58it won't take you too long
35:59to catch up.
36:01Now, what I'm saying, Derek,
36:03may I call you Del?
36:03Oh, may we, may we,
36:05my pleasure.
36:07And I must emphasise
36:08the word if.
36:10If this water
36:11passes our laboratory tests,
36:13there is a strong possibility
36:15that we could actually
36:16bottle it.
36:17Sorry, Miles,
36:18what do you mean
36:19by bottle it?
36:21It means put it
36:23into bottles, then.
36:25Now, I don't expect
36:26for one moment
36:26someone like you
36:27to understand
36:28the potential of this water,
36:29so I'll explain it
36:29in simple terms.
36:31You have the sauce,
36:33i.e., the Peckham Spring.
36:34I have the means
36:35of selling it
36:36through my natural food stores.
36:37And if successful,
36:39we could even expand
36:40to supermarkets
36:41and other outlets.
36:42Let me see
36:43if I've got this straight, Miles.
36:44What you're saying
36:45is that we could
36:46bottle this water
36:48and then sell it?
36:50George,
36:51I think he's got it.
36:54I'm saying
36:54it's a possibility.
36:55A possibility, yeah.
36:56Depending on the results
36:57of our laboratory test.
36:58Now,
36:58I need something
37:00to take a sample away with.
37:01Ah!
37:01There's a bucket here.
37:03No, no,
37:03it has to be
37:04a sterilised container.
37:05I'll just nip back
37:06to the garden centre.
37:06I shan't be gone long.
37:07No, no,
37:07no need, Miles.
37:08No need.
37:09I think I've got
37:10the very thing
37:11in my briefcase.
37:12Um, Albert?
37:14Yeah?
37:14I went down
37:15to mother care
37:16this morning
37:16to get my baby
37:18a new bottle.
37:19A sterilised bottle.
37:22What do you?
37:22That's just the job,
37:23yes.
37:24How old's the baby?
37:25Nearly two.
37:27Yeah,
37:28he's a bit slow
37:28going on to solids,
37:29but we're not worried
37:30because Rodney
37:31was three and a half
37:31before he left the breast.
37:35Albert,
37:36I want you to take that
37:36and go and fill that up
37:37with water
37:38from the Peckham Spring.
37:39Don't get any dirt
37:40on the bottle.
37:41Leave it to me, Sam.
37:42Well, I think maybe I should...
37:43Ah, something I wanted
37:44to ask you, Miles.
37:45You were talking
37:45about crop rotation.
37:47Does that mean I've got
37:48to dig up me spuds
37:48and me Brussels sprouts
37:49and turn them over?
37:55What do you want, Rodney?
37:57I've just got to see
37:57how you're going
37:58to get out of this.
38:03I don't know.
38:04It will end up
38:05in the neck.
38:06Not me, Rodney.
38:07I'm an old man.
38:08You want to take them
38:10as well, you reckon?
38:10Yes.
38:11Ah, well, that's interesting.
38:12Oh, here he is.
38:12Is that all right, son?
38:13Yes, that's absolutely wonderful.
38:15I get that off
38:15with a lad this afternoon.
38:17Now, beans and carrots.
38:18Eh?
38:20That's what we were talking
38:20about growing beans
38:21and carrots.
38:22Oh, yes.
38:23Nah, I've gone off
38:24the idea of growing
38:25vegetables now.
38:26Come on, let's go down
38:27the road and have a pint.
38:28Come on, Albert.
38:59I think it's a miracle.
39:01Yeah.
39:01Certainly it's a miracle, Rodney.
39:03It's our dear mum.
39:04She's up there
39:05smiling down on us,
39:06making sure her
39:07two little heads
39:08don't starve.
39:09I mean, I think it's a miracle
39:10that we've been doing
39:11this for three weeks now
39:12and we're not
39:12banged up in Nick.
39:13We ain't going to be
39:14banged up in Nick.
39:15We ain't doing nothing
39:16illegal, are we?
39:17Nothing illegal.
39:17We are selling
39:18public water to the public.
39:20Ah, no, because we're
39:21wrong.
39:22Because this water
39:22used to be public
39:23and then Maggie,
39:24she privatised it,
39:25didn't she, eh?
39:26It now belongs to a board
39:27of directors and a load
39:28of investors.
39:29They sell it to us,
39:30we sell it on.
39:31All we're doing
39:31is repackaging it.
39:33It's a bit like,
39:34you know,
39:34Esso, they buy oil
39:36from Kuwait,
39:36don't they?
39:37Then they repackage it
39:38and they sell it on
39:39as petrol.
39:40Right?
39:40Nothing illegal, isn't it?
39:41They could have you
39:42under the Trace Descriptions Act.
39:43You call it Peckham Spring
39:44but it ain't from a spring.
39:45Yeah, well,
39:46Sainsbury's,
39:46they sell runner beans
39:47but they ain't been
39:48round a track three times,
39:49have they?
39:51Alright.
39:52Alright then,
39:52what about the claim
39:53on the label then?
39:54From an ancient
39:55and natural source?
39:56Yeah, the Thames.
39:57Can't be more ancient
39:58and natural than that,
39:59can it, eh?
40:00Anyway,
40:01we got a certificate
40:01from the Swans Committee
40:03saying it's in some
40:04of the finest water
40:04they've ever analysed.
40:05Yeah,
40:06because what they analysed
40:07weren't this.
40:08It was Malvern
40:08or Buxton water.
40:10Look,
40:11will you stop
40:12splitting hairs?
40:14Last fortnight,
40:15Peckham Spring
40:15has become Miles'
40:16biggest seller.
40:17He's doubled
40:17his order twice.
40:19Oh, look,
40:20go out there
40:20and see how
40:21a wreck hell's
40:21getting on,
40:22will ya?
40:28I'm surprised
40:28you'd be party
40:29to all this.
40:30I'm doing it
40:31purely for the man
40:31I love, Rodney.
40:33I'll claim a crime
40:33of passion
40:34or insanity.
40:36Anyway,
40:36I haven't noticed
40:37you turning
40:37any of the money down.
40:38I'm just trying
40:39to make it easier
40:39on Dell
40:40when the case
40:40goes to court.
40:42I mean,
40:42the less he makes
40:43on this scam,
40:44the lighter his sentence
40:44will be.
40:45To you,
40:46it may look like
40:46I'm sharing
40:47the profits
40:47but in my heart
40:48I'm simply
40:49halving the guilt.
40:50That is true
40:51brotherly love
40:52and courage,
40:52Rodney.
40:53If they didn't
40:53mean so much
40:54to me,
40:55I'd give you
40:55one of me medals.
40:56Shut up.
41:04I see Peckham
41:05Spring's really
41:05selling well.
41:06What do you mind?
41:07I had lunch
41:08at the local wine bar
41:09and they're selling it.
41:10The waiter says
41:10it's their most popular brand.
41:12Must admit,
41:13it has got a taste
41:13of its own.
41:14Yeah.
41:15It's called
41:15fluoride.
41:17Sorry?
41:18I say it's
41:19got to be tried.
41:21Oh, yeah.
41:21Everyone's buying it
41:22and it's on trial.
41:24Trial?
41:24What trial?
41:24What do you mean trial?
41:26Miles was saying
41:27a major supermarket chain
41:28are giving it
41:28a two-week trial.
41:30Yeah.
41:30Yeah, that's right.
41:32Are you okay?
41:33Yeah, fine.
41:35Look,
41:35if you're still worried
41:36about, you know,
41:37just remember
41:37what the doctor said.
41:38Don't be uptight.
41:39It's got nothing
41:39to do with that.
41:42Look,
41:43Cass,
41:44if I tell you a secret
41:45you promise never
41:46to tell a song.
41:47Cross my heart.
41:48Go on.
41:49What is it?
41:52You know Peckham Spring?
41:53Mm-hmm.
41:54What about it?
41:56It's tap water.
41:59Tap water?
42:00Yeah.
42:01Tap water.
42:02What do you mean?
42:03Tap water?
42:04Well,
42:05water from a tap.
42:08From a tap?
42:09A what tap?
42:11The one in Dale's kitchen.
42:15You're kidding,
42:16aren't you?
42:17Tell me you're joking,
42:18Roddy.
42:18No, really.
42:19He just gets a bottle,
42:20puts it under the tap,
42:21fills it up,
42:21sells it for 45 pence.
42:25Oh, my God.
42:27Oh, God help us.
42:28No, don't panic.
42:29It's got nothing
42:30to do with you.
42:31Nothing to do with me?
42:32Where do you think
42:33he got the capital
42:34to buy all those bottles
42:35and boxes and equipment
42:36and the money
42:37to pay Daddy
42:37for printing his labels?
42:39What?
42:40You?
42:41Yes.
42:42He came to the bank
42:43and asked for a loan.
42:44And you gave it to him?
42:47I'm in charge
42:48of small business investment.
42:49And this seemed like
42:50a small business investment
42:51with a future.
42:52I mean,
42:53someone had discovered
42:54a natural spring
42:55that had received
42:55a certificate of purity
42:56from Miles.
42:57And you believed Dale?
42:59No, Roddy.
43:00I believed you.
43:02Well,
43:02Dale told me
43:03not to tell anyone.
43:04Why didn't you tell me
43:05you'd given him the money?
43:06Because that's
43:07confidential information
43:08between the bank
43:09and its client.
43:11Well, now you know.
43:13What are you going to do?
43:14I've got no choice, Roddy.
43:16I'm going to have
43:16to keep quiet about it.
43:18Really?
43:20I just crossed my heart
43:21and promise you
43:21I wouldn't tell a soul.
43:23And if I was to tell the bank,
43:24I'd most probably
43:25lose my promotion.
43:26I don't really fancy
43:27driving out to Wormwood Scrubs
43:29every Sunday
43:29to visit my husband.
43:31On the other hand,
43:32is selling water illegal?
43:34I was charged 20 pence
43:35in the garage last week
43:36just to fill up my radiator.
43:38Dale's kept up
43:39all the repayments
43:40and you're earning
43:41lots of money out of it.
43:42I've never been so well off.
43:44But there are
43:45geological aspects
43:46coming into play here, Cass.
43:48You see,
43:48we are taking
43:49thousands and thousands
43:50of gallons every week.
43:51The water board
43:52have got workmen
43:52on the estate.
43:53They think they've got
43:53a major underground leak.
43:58I mean,
43:59here we are
43:59in the middle of winter
44:00and our local papers
44:01are issuing drought warnings.
44:03So people are going out
44:05and panic buying
44:06Peckham Bloody Spring.
44:09So that means
44:10we've got to take
44:10more water
44:11to stay up with the demands.
44:12And then to top it all,
44:13some prat has advised him
44:14to advertise
44:15on local radio.
44:20You?
44:21Why?
44:22Dale's my client,
44:23Rudy.
44:24It's my job
44:24to advise him.
44:25You are not
44:26dealing with a normal person.
44:27This is Derek Trotter.
44:30Don't you understand?
44:31He is sucking
44:32the land dry.
44:34I'm expecting
44:35a visit from
44:35Lenny Henry
44:36and Bob Deldoff
44:36any minute.
44:43I know,
44:47personally,
44:47I've always believed
44:48in clouded rhino horn.
44:53What the hell?
44:56Oh.
44:58I was ever so happy
44:59to hear your good news.
45:01Oh, it must be lovely
45:02suddenly coming into money
45:03after all these years.
45:05Well, we're enjoying it.
45:07Yes, I bet you are.
45:09You can come
45:10to my coffee mornings now.
45:13I'll see you in a minute.
45:14I'm bursting.
45:15You're not the only one.
45:17Get the garden party next.
45:18Oh, your business
45:19is booming, Rodney.
45:21Yeah, couldn't be better.
45:22The old Peckham
45:22Spring-selling hand over foot.
45:23You know,
45:24I just find it so hard
45:25to believe
45:25that someone with
45:26Delboy's attitude
45:27could suddenly become
45:28so professional
45:29in his business approach.
45:30Well, he just never
45:31had a chance
45:31to prove it before,
45:32huh, Syl?
45:33I mean, let's face it,
45:34if he hadn't cleared up
45:34that allotment
45:35so thoroughly,
45:36he'd have never found
45:36that spring in the first place.
45:37Well, how come
45:38he cleared it up?
45:39I mean, I've never seen
45:39him as an alien tit-marsh.
45:41A bit of a tit, maybe, but...
45:43During our lifetime,
45:44Michael,
45:45we all go through
45:45many changes.
45:46Del just suddenly
45:47became very
45:47ecologically aware.
45:49Aware of the damage
45:50we are doing
45:50to Mother Earth.
45:51Yeah, and I suppose
45:51that summons from the council
45:53made him even more
45:53ecologically aware.
45:55Yeah, it might have helped.
45:56Well, at least he brought
45:57in a firm of experts
45:58to get rid of them
45:59drums of chemicals.
45:59A firm of experts?
46:00Since when have Denzel
46:01and Trigger been experts?
46:03Denzel and Trigger?
46:05You told me you're
46:06specialists.
46:07What?
46:08No.
46:08No, on the other hand,
46:09Trigger could be
46:10considered to be a
46:11specialist.
46:11Trigger still don't know
46:12which end of the
46:13darter throne.
46:15What I mean is,
46:16he works for the council,
46:17doesn't he?
46:17So he could dispose
46:18of them drums
46:19at the environmental
46:19waste unit.
46:20Well, according to Denzel,
46:21they chucked them
46:21in a pond.
46:22In a pond?
46:23They chucked them
46:24in a pond?
46:24In a pond.
46:44In a pond?
46:50Yeah, that's what
46:51Boycey said.
46:52You wait till
46:52Del gets back to this
46:53table.
46:53Oh, no, Roddy,
46:54no arguments tonight,
46:55please.
46:56I want this to be
46:56a nice celebration.
46:57It's the first time
46:58we've all been happy
46:58for ages.
46:59Yeah, all right.
47:01I'll have him
47:01tomorrow, like.
47:02Oh, hey!
47:06Rodders, listen,
47:06tomorrow morning
47:07we'll go down
47:07the old allotment,
47:08clear all that stuff
47:09out of this shit.
47:10I mean, what do we
47:11want with Bross LPs
47:12and Romanian rising
47:13in it, eh?
47:14All those wigs.
47:15Yeah, all the wigs,
47:16the wigs.
47:16I don't know why
47:16I bought them.
47:17Wigs and a birthday.
47:18Wigs saved my life
47:19once.
47:20Yeah, well,
47:21we'll dump it
47:22somewhere, all right?
47:23Yeah.
47:23Just as long as
47:24it's not in a pond,
47:25eh?
47:25In a pond?
47:26Talk about a pond.
47:27What's going on
47:27about a pond, eh?
47:28No.
47:29How did a week
47:30save your life?
47:31Oh, you can't tell
47:32that, will you?
47:33You've got a mouth
47:34and a half on you.
47:36That's a street.
47:37Well, it's bound
47:38to be something
47:38that happened
47:39during the war.
47:40Might not have
47:41happened during
47:41the war.
47:42During the war.
47:45During the war,
47:46I was on a corvette
47:47out in the Pacific,
47:49fighting the Jets.
47:50And my old skipper,
47:52Captain Kenworthy,
47:53he used to wear a wig.
47:55Couldn't tell, though,
47:55except in rough seas
47:56when it used to slide
47:57to one side.
47:59And one day,
48:00we were attacked
48:01by a kamikaze pilot.
48:03I'm zooming in
48:04towards us.
48:05I remember saying
48:05to the skipper,
48:06the way he's carrying on,
48:07he'll kill himself.
48:10Anyway,
48:12he smashed right into us.
48:13And there we were,
48:15nine of us,
48:15and a skipper,
48:16all marooned at sea
48:17with all the lifeboats
48:18smashed to pieces.
48:19Wait a minute, Albert.
48:20You're not trying to tell us
48:21that ten of you
48:21got on the captain's wig.
48:26Don't be facetious, Michael.
48:28I'm talking about heroes.
48:30Oops.
48:30Sorry.
48:32Finally,
48:33we was washed up
48:34on this island
48:34where the natives
48:35had never seen a white man.
48:37They were wagging their spears
48:38and getting very angry.
48:40Captain Kenworthy,
48:41he said,
48:42leave this to me, lads.
48:44Then he stepped forward,
48:45brave as a lion,
48:47and he ripped his wig off.
48:49You should have seen
48:50their faces.
48:52You see,
48:53the skipper knew
48:53they'd never seen
48:54a wig before.
48:55So what did they do?
48:56Make him a god?
48:57No, they killed him.
49:01They wanted to meet him.
49:02Thought he had magic powers.
49:04They all ran off
49:05and had a ceremony.
49:06We had it away
49:07on our toes
49:07and got picked up
49:08by an Australian frigate.
49:11Well, we're off home now.
49:17Roddy,
49:17do you remember
49:18we said when we could afford it
49:19we'd have a weekend
49:20away somewhere?
49:21Yeah.
49:21Well,
49:22we can afford it now,
49:23can't we?
49:24So why don't we go?
49:25Tomorrow night,
49:26just the two of us.
49:27All alone?
49:28You and me
49:29in a lovely hotel
49:30overlooking the sea.
49:31In a king-size bed?
49:33You can do a lot
49:34of rolling around
49:34in a king-size bed.
49:36Mmm.
49:37I've heard a dozen
49:38oysters.
49:39Is it like that?
49:40They're weak.
49:42I won't be in tomorrow, mate.
49:43Why's that?
49:44Well,
49:44me and Cassandra
49:45tomorrow night
49:46we're going down
49:46to the seaside.
49:47Just be on our own
49:48for a little while.
49:49You don't mind,
49:49do you?
49:50No,
49:50of course I don't mind.
49:52Roddy,
49:52that's a great idea.
49:54Yeah,
49:54in fact,
49:55we'll come with you.
49:56Hold on.
49:57You fancy a weekend
49:58at the seaside?
49:59Take me home,
50:00I'll pack the bags.
50:01Come on,
50:02let's call for a celebration.
50:03Oh,
50:04large friends.
50:05Guess what?
50:06and you see
50:06I man
50:17Bye.
50:20Bye.
50:24Bye.
50:28Bye.
50:29Bye.
50:31Bye.
50:34Bye.
52:05Didn't I always promise you a life like this?
52:08Yes, you did.
52:10I've got to make the most of it before they put you in prison.
52:14Raquel, they're not going to put me in prison.
52:17You've got to do something illegal before they put you in prison.
52:19All I'm doing is selling a very popular product.
52:22I mean, look, even the bestest hotels in the world are selling Beckham Springs.
52:27Oh, we're on a winner, darling.
52:29Now, this is just the beginning.
52:31Come on, that's for you, champ.
52:33It'll be Mercedes and Cecil G suits and Lanza Rossi all the way for you, won't it?
52:39You won't know any other life.
52:43Why should you worry, eh?
52:46I think I'd better put him down.
52:47Yeah, I'm going to go and see Rodney.
52:50Oh, Del, leave them.
52:52They're...
52:52Well, they're trying to sort their lives out.
52:54What about it?
52:55It's nine o'clock.
52:56We're here in Brighton.
52:57I want to show a bit more decorum.
53:01What are you up?
53:03I just popped in to see how you was.
53:06It's all right.
53:07Don't get embarrassed.
53:08You ain't got nothing in there that'll frighten me.
53:12How have we got into connecting doors?
53:14Well, that was my idea.
53:16I'd say cute so we can mingle, like families do, families mingle.
53:19Yeah, but you've been popping in more times than a gas meter reader.
53:22Shut up, you tart.
53:26What's your time around?
53:27Well, she popped into the bathroom about half an hour ago.
53:31Those sandwiches were all right, weren't they?
53:34Yeah.
53:35No, she'd just gone to slip into something.
53:37Half hour ago?
53:39What's she slipped into?
53:40A coma?
53:43Oh, she's...
53:45I don't know, what have you.
53:47All right.
53:48I understand, don't worry.
53:50You'll be all right, bruv.
53:51Don't you worry.
53:52You just relax, all right?
53:54Don't let yourself get all taut and rigid.
53:57Well, you know, not all of you.
53:59Just get all taut and rigid.
54:01Don't you go and listen, all right, all right.
54:03Don't you go and make too much noise.
54:05I've got Damien sleeping in here.
54:07See you tomorrow.
54:22That's it, babe.
54:24You have a lovely walk.
54:29You dream some lovely dreams.
54:36You dream about Christmas and all the presents that Santa Claus is going to bring you.
54:45Because a little baby like you is going to be right at the top of his VIP list.
54:51You know, when I was a little ankle-biter like you, all I ever got for Christmas was an orange
54:57and a clump and a ear roll.
55:01Still, the orange was nice.
55:05I wish I knew what you were dreaming.
55:09Still don't hurt.
55:11As long as it's a happy one.
55:15And I'm in it.
55:32You look really nice.
55:37I love you.
55:46I love you, Trotter.
55:53All right.
56:07Sorry I've been so long.
56:14Well, I say the best things take time.
56:43And a late news item.
56:46The London borough of Peckham is tonight without water after a local reservoir was found to be contaminated by an
56:52unknown chemical.
56:54The crumbs of the chemical, which has still to be identified, were discovered late this afternoon and appear to have
57:00been dumped in the reservoir up to a month ago.
57:03The spokesperson for the Peckham Water Board has emphasized that the cutting of water supplies is purely a precautionary measure
57:09and there is no need for alarm.
57:25Everything's coming up roses for us now, sweetheart.
57:29Getting better every day.
57:33And it's all thanks to the Peckham spree.
57:39I wouldn't mind betting.
57:41This time next week, I've been order papers.
57:45E-
57:45version 4
57:48I have been, I have been-
57:50E-