- 2 days ago
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00:00:08You better get ready for school, Damien.
00:00:13I am ready.
00:00:15All right.
00:00:16All right, Dad.
00:00:17All right.
00:00:18Oh.
00:00:19Is that contraction?
00:00:20No, indigestion.
00:00:22Is that bacon burger I have for breakfast?
00:00:25Never used to eat bacon.
00:00:27What burgers?
00:00:28I'm craving bacon now.
00:00:30Bacon and Rolos.
00:00:31Together.
00:00:33When I was having Damien, I had a terrible craving for tuna.
00:00:36I used to have tuna for breakfast, lunch and dinner, didn't I?
00:00:39Yeah.
00:00:39Oh, it was horrible.
00:00:40Saying goodnight to her, it's like kissing Japan.
00:00:43Shut up.
00:00:44If I'm like this with indigestion, how am I going to be when I go into labour?
00:00:48It affects women differently.
00:00:49Some just sail through.
00:00:50Yeah, that's right.
00:00:51I remember when Mum was giving birth to Rodney.
00:00:54She said it was the worst experience of her life.
00:00:58Just because your mum had a bad time doesn't mean Cassandra will.
00:01:02Oh, no.
00:01:02Oh, no, no, no, no.
00:01:03I see what you mean.
00:01:03Nothing.
00:01:04No, I mean, really, you, Cassandra, you should have a nice, you know, easy birth, didn't
00:01:07you?
00:01:08Why?
00:01:08Well, look at you.
00:01:09You and Rodney, you're both very skinny, skinny, skinny, slim, slim, aren't you?
00:01:14So the chances of you having a very skinny, skinny, slimmy baby, you're not very high.
00:01:19You know, you won't have to push too hard, will you?
00:01:21Because your little sprog will come shooting out like that.
00:01:23Like that.
00:01:25Dale, please.
00:01:26Sometimes you really overstep the mark.
00:01:28No, no, no.
00:01:29What I'm saying is that, you see, Cassandra won't need a midwife in the delivery room.
00:01:33What she will need is a goalkeeper.
00:01:35Well, here it comes.
00:01:38Come on, you.
00:01:39Oh, there he is, all ready for school, son.
00:01:42You've got your sunglasses, your walkman, your mobile phone.
00:01:45Yeah, yeah, that'll buzz me, man.
00:01:47Go on, off you go.
00:01:47Yeah.
00:01:48I think I'll have a lie down.
00:01:50Oh, all right, all right.
00:01:51Up we go.
00:01:52Whoa.
00:01:57All right?
00:01:58I don't know if Cassandra will still feel up to it, but she was planning to spend the
00:02:01day at her parents' house.
00:02:03She hadn't seen her mum for a while.
00:02:04I thought I might go with her.
00:02:05Yeah, that's all right, darling.
00:02:06You go off and enjoy yourself.
00:02:07We'll meet you down the pub later.
00:02:08I'll have a bacon sandwich and a packet of Werther's Original on the side for Cassandra.
00:02:13Do you think she's all right?
00:02:14Yeah, she's fine.
00:02:16Yeah, of course she'd be all right.
00:02:17Well, I mean, she's had buckets of pork and toffee.
00:02:19She's bound to be a bit jippy, ain't she, eh?
00:02:21Yeah, yeah, I suppose you're all right.
00:02:22Well, we'd better think about doing something, haven't we?
00:02:24I thought we could go down Rodney Nelson's warehouse and see...
00:02:26No, no, no.
00:02:27Not today, Rodney, no.
00:02:29Del?
00:02:30Hmm?
00:02:30Rodney is the managing director now.
00:02:32Yes, I'm in charge.
00:02:33Yes, I know, but today I'm going down the cemetery to put some flowers on mum's grave.
00:02:37Oh, I'll come with you.
00:02:38No.
00:02:40Look, I want you to stay here and look after Cassandra.
00:02:42Yeah, yeah, I suppose so.
00:02:44But if she feels better a bit later on, I'll go down Ronnie's place on my own.
00:02:47Oh, no.
00:02:47Look, if she bucks up, I want you to take her and Raquel over to her mum's and I want
00:02:52you
00:02:52to stay with them in case they're carjacking.
00:02:55Put on your capricer.
00:02:57You're all right.
00:02:59Oi.
00:02:59What?
00:03:01God, dear, what's the matter with him?
00:03:02Why would you never let him do things on his own?
00:03:05I can't let Rodney go out with the business in his hands, can I?
00:03:08He'd come back with a bag of magic beans.
00:03:11Oh, yeah, and you're so successful, aren't you?
00:03:13Oh, come on, don't start.
00:03:14This situation.
00:03:15What situation?
00:03:16You being made bankrupt.
00:03:18Oh, in the inland revenue, £53,000 and the official receiver threatening to evict us and put
00:03:22the flat up for auction.
00:03:23Oh, that.
00:03:24Yes, that.
00:03:25And what about all those letters from that firm of solicitors?
00:03:27Have you phoned them to find out what it's about?
00:03:29No, I haven't.
00:03:29I've been rather busy.
00:03:30Have you told Rodney about it?
00:03:32No, he's got enough to worry about.
00:03:34I'll tell him when the moment's right, okay?
00:03:36Can I borrow these?
00:03:42Have you told Raquel yet?
00:03:44I've told her what?
00:03:45That the official receiver is auctioning this flat in a month's time.
00:03:49No, look, she's got enough to worry about.
00:03:51I'll tell her when the moment's right.
00:03:53Tell?
00:03:53No, see you, Rodney.
00:04:02Are you all right, Mum?
00:04:05I'll come to give you a bit of a scrub up.
00:04:12How do you like your new obelisk?
00:04:16The other one, you know, your old one was okay, but, you know, it wasn't quite you.
00:04:23So when me and Rudders became millionaires, we'd like you this new one.
00:04:27Best one in the yard, this.
00:04:29This is the Ferrari of shrines.
00:04:35Anyway, Cassandra.
00:04:36All right, she'll be giving birth, Sue.
00:04:40Another grandchild in the family, eh?
00:04:43I said to him, I said, if it's a girl, would they name her after you?
00:04:47Joan.
00:04:51Anyway, I'm sorry, Mum.
00:04:52I haven't been down for a long time, but I've had one or two problems to sort out.
00:04:57What with a bankruptcy and all of that.
00:05:02Then I received this letter from the official receiver.
00:05:06It says they want to auction the old flat.
00:05:09The lads have been good.
00:05:11They've all been trying to think of ways for me to make money.
00:05:16You've got to invent something.
00:05:18Invent something.
00:05:19All inventors are rich.
00:05:21What's the name of that bloke who invented the Dyson vacuum cleaner?
00:05:28Dyson.
00:05:31Millionaire.
00:05:32What about that bloke who invented the fire hose?
00:05:34Hick.
00:05:37Millionaire.
00:05:38I said, I know, Trig.
00:05:38I thought about that, but everything's already been invented, hasn't it?
00:05:42Not everything.
00:05:44Picture this.
00:05:45You're on a crowded bus.
00:05:47You get an itch in your back.
00:05:48And no matter how hard you try, you just can't reach it.
00:05:52So, what do you do?
00:05:53Ask one of the other passengers to scratch it for you.
00:05:56No, you can't do that, Dave.
00:06:00No, Trig, I was just...
00:06:02I tried that once and it caused nothing but trouble.
00:06:09Now, what's this?
00:06:12Chopstick.
00:06:13Correct.
00:06:14With this, you can reach down and hit the spot.
00:06:20That's very good, Trig.
00:06:22That's good.
00:06:22Not quite up to Bill Gates standard, but...
00:06:25It is brilliant.
00:06:26I don't want to disappoint you, Trig,
00:06:28and I know the Chinese have always been a very inventive race,
00:06:31but we created something years ago
00:06:33that rather beat them to the punch.
00:06:34We called it the backscratcher.
00:06:37Yeah, but they're big, long things, Dave.
00:06:39You can't carry one of them in your inside pocket.
00:06:40It'll stick out.
00:06:42People will look.
00:06:43It's a no-trig, but what you've got to do,
00:06:45you've got to have something long, haven't you,
00:06:46to get it right down there where the itch is, isn't it?
00:06:49That thing's too short.
00:06:51So, what's the answer?
00:06:53Another drink.
00:07:01Two chopsticks.
00:07:03I'm going to fit a little hinge on the end
00:07:07so you can open it out,
00:07:10scratch away,
00:07:12fold it down again,
00:07:14and put it back in your pocket.
00:07:18And you can use it for pointing at things.
00:07:23Well, it's brilliant, isn't it?
00:07:25No more fingers.
00:07:27This is just a specimen.
00:07:28I'm going back to my flat now to work on it.
00:07:31When I take the patent out, Dale,
00:07:33I'm going to put it in your name.
00:07:34Thanks, Trig.
00:07:36See you on tomorrow's world.
00:07:42Well, everything that could go wrong has gone wrong.
00:07:45Seems like nothing's going to change my bad luck.
00:07:49Raquel says that we ought to try Feng Shui.
00:07:51I said to her, I said,
00:07:52what good is eating raw fish going to do?
00:07:57If all that weren't bad enough,
00:07:59I'm getting all these letters from a solicitor
00:08:01demanding a meeting.
00:08:03All I know is if I don't get over 50 grand
00:08:06in four weeks' time,
00:08:08I'll be kipping on that bench over there.
00:08:12At least I'd be keeping you company,
00:08:13wouldn't I, Mum?
00:08:15If there's anything that you can do,
00:08:17you know, while you're up there,
00:08:20like a word in the right ear,
00:08:23that's a great thing.
00:08:27Anyway, I'd better buzz off.
00:08:30See you soon, Mum.
00:08:34Of course you are.
00:08:46What are you doing?
00:08:49Actually, I'm writing a screenplay for a movie.
00:08:52Oh.
00:08:53Where is everyone?
00:08:54Dad's down at the cemetery,
00:08:55and Cassandra's gone round to her parents' place
00:08:57for the afternoon with your mum.
00:09:01Is it a silent film?
00:09:03No, it is not a silent film.
00:09:05Actually, you might be able to help me with this.
00:09:08Oh, yeah, what do you want me to do?
00:09:09Bugger off and leave me alone.
00:09:15All right, Dad?
00:09:16Yeah, all right.
00:09:19Postman's given me another letter from the official receiver.
00:09:22I suppose it's about this flat.
00:09:24It certainly ain't a Christmas card, is it?
00:09:26Been busy, have you?
00:09:28Yes.
00:09:31What's wrong, Dad?
00:09:32You look a bit worried.
00:09:33That's probably because I am worried, son.
00:09:36Yeah, I don't know.
00:09:39I haven't slept for ages.
00:09:40I feel so stressed out that you do the menu in
00:09:43could play a symphony on me.
00:09:46I'm going to go play football.
00:09:48Yeah, right.
00:09:50Here, don't forget what I told you about dirty tackling.
00:09:53Yeah, be first.
00:09:54Good boy.
00:10:20How's that creative writing course of yours coming along, Rodney?
00:10:23Eh, fine.
00:10:24Good.
00:10:25Because I get worried about you, you know.
00:10:27Even though I've got this bankruptcy looming over me.
00:10:30And my imminent eviction, of course.
00:10:33But I lie awake at night, you know, worrying.
00:10:36And I keep on thinking, I say to myself,
00:10:38is Rodney getting his commas in the right place?
00:10:42All right, what's up with you?
00:10:44What do you mean, what's up with me?
00:10:45I tell you what's up with me.
00:10:46Here I am, halfway down the gurgler,
00:10:47with only me head above the waterline,
00:10:49and there's you poncing around on your wife's laptop,
00:10:52wasting money on some mail-order calls.
00:10:54I'm not poncing around, and I'm not wasting money.
00:10:57I'm investing in our future.
00:10:59Huh, what future?
00:11:00We've got all the prospects of a toilet duck.
00:11:04And I'm trying to get us out of this situation
00:11:06by earning us some serious money.
00:11:08Have you got any idea how much money there is to be earned
00:11:10out of writing a book or a film?
00:11:12I don't suppose you've ever heard of the writer J.K. Rowling.
00:11:15As a matter of fact, yes, I have.
00:11:18He happens to be one of my most favourites.
00:11:22Yeah, right.
00:11:24J.K. Rowling's wrote all the Harry Potter books, right?
00:11:27And has earned over 70 million pounds.
00:11:3070 million?
00:11:31Oh, blimey, that would do us then, wouldn't it?
00:11:33It could get us over the worst.
00:11:35Yeah, right.
00:11:36Go on then.
00:11:37What?
00:11:37Write one.
00:11:39I can't write a Harry Potter book.
00:11:41It's copyrighted.
00:11:42Oh, no, don't worry about that.
00:11:44Just change a bit.
00:11:45No-one will notice.
00:11:46Call it Harry Trotter.
00:11:49No.
00:11:51Look, you shut up, you tart.
00:11:53All you've got to do is just have a couple of wizards
00:11:56and some little git with John Lennon glasses, right?
00:11:59And then we're off.
00:12:01We're at the races.
00:12:01No, I can't write all that magic stuff.
00:12:04I'm more drawn to the stars of Michael Crichton and Thomas Harris.
00:12:07He wrote Silence of the Lambs.
00:12:09Oh, yeah.
00:12:10Hannibal the Cannonball.
00:12:12No, it's...
00:12:13Hmm?
00:12:14Yeah.
00:12:14All right.
00:12:15Well, he's earned over 100 million dollars.
00:12:18100 million?
00:12:19Oh, no, it's all big talk.
00:12:21You know, 70 million here, 100 million there.
00:12:23No, no, Ruddy.
00:12:24No, you're entitled to talk big, you know,
00:12:26once you've been a millionaire like what we have.
00:12:30You know what this is, don't you, Ruddy?
00:12:34You see, every time we get into trouble
00:12:36and I go down and have a little talk to Mum,
00:12:39something turns up to save us.
00:12:42And this is it.
00:12:43This is a sign.
00:12:46This is Mum's doing.
00:12:48Come on, Ruddy.
00:12:50We're going to come up with a film idea.
00:12:53Yeah.
00:12:57So, I rang Mike in prison
00:13:00and we've decided to turn this into a theme pub.
00:13:02Good.
00:13:03We decided on a 1930s pre-war London theme.
00:13:07Well, it's turned out well, hasn't it?
00:13:10It ain't started yet.
00:13:12It's still at the consultation stage.
00:13:14Well, let us know when it's finished.
00:13:17Michelle, Cassandra, what are you drinking?
00:13:19Oh, vodka and tonic, please, Trigg.
00:13:21Just an orange juice for me, please.
00:13:23Del and Rodney not here.
00:13:24Ain't seen them all day, love.
00:13:26Tell Del the prototype was here to snag.
00:13:29Right.
00:13:30Me paraffin here, you're melting the chopsticks.
00:13:34I might have to go to a Chinese shop.
00:13:37He'll understand.
00:13:40So, right, what are they doing?
00:13:43Who?
00:13:44Well, these people that you said
00:13:45that landed on an uninhabited desert island
00:13:48in the middle of the Pacific.
00:13:50Right.
00:13:51They're scientists, right?
00:13:53Right.
00:13:53They've been sent there
00:13:54because there's been strange goings-on.
00:13:56Like, people getting killed?
00:13:57Yeah.
00:13:58Yeah.
00:13:59Disappearing, strangely.
00:14:00Right.
00:14:00Hey, this idea's getting better and better, Rodney.
00:14:03Right, so they land in a jumbo jet, right,
00:14:06which is being flown by,
00:14:07well, I'm thinking Mel Gibson.
00:14:09Mel Gibson?
00:14:10Yeah.
00:14:11Yeah.
00:14:12Yeah, he ain't got all that soppy paint
00:14:14over his face, though, has he?
00:14:15No, no, no, no, no.
00:14:16He's the leading scientist.
00:14:18Right, OK.
00:14:20What's he doing flying a plane, then?
00:14:23I don't know.
00:14:25We could say that in the past, right,
00:14:27he was a pilot for, um...
00:14:30Monarch.
00:14:32No.
00:14:34Something exciting.
00:14:36NASA.
00:14:36NASA?
00:14:37Yes, sir.
00:14:37NASA.
00:14:39So, right, Mel and his assistant, right,
00:14:41because I was thinking, um,
00:14:43Julia Roberts.
00:14:44Julia Roberts?
00:14:46Yeah.
00:14:46Now you're talking like a mogul.
00:14:48Yeah.
00:14:49So whilst they're out there doing all their,
00:14:50you know, scientific research and all that stuff,
00:14:54something in the jungle is watching them.
00:14:57The monster.
00:14:58Except it's not really a monster.
00:15:00No?
00:15:00No, because what they don't know is, right,
00:15:03on this island are a forgotten tribe of Neanderthals.
00:15:07Oh, blimey.
00:15:08Well, you need that, don't you?
00:15:11Well, old Mel there, he's got his work cut out,
00:15:13eh?
00:15:14You know, doing all his research and trying to sort Julia out.
00:15:18So in the jungle, right, there's all these cavemen.
00:15:21Cavemen, yeah.
00:15:22And women.
00:15:22And, you know, the women, right?
00:15:24You know what I mean?
00:15:25For serious filmgoers, they like, you know, a bit of that.
00:15:28Oh, yeah, I was thinking about Liz Hurley and Jordan.
00:15:35We'll talk about it.
00:15:36And I bet these cavemen, they're killer cavemen, aren't they?
00:15:38Yes.
00:15:39Yes, yes.
00:15:40I can see this.
00:15:40This is going to be a blockbuster.
00:15:42It's called, um, The Island of Death.
00:15:45We'll talk about that as well.
00:15:47Yeah.
00:15:49Did you get the baby blues after Damien was born?
00:15:52Well, I had my moments, but not too bad.
00:15:54I didn't get at all depressed after I had Tyler.
00:15:56Yeah, then again, I was private.
00:15:59The doctors and the drugs are much better than you get on the NHS.
00:16:02I didn't get postnatal depression at all, did I?
00:16:04How would I know?
00:16:05You've been screaming and crying all your life.
00:16:09Correction.
00:16:09Only since I married you.
00:16:12It's our anniversary soon.
00:16:14Thirty-four years.
00:16:16Oh, they dig up fossils younger than that.
00:16:20Yeah, put a bit of make-up on them, and I might fancy them more on you.
00:16:25Mind you, she has her uses.
00:16:28If ever I have to draw a straight line, I can't find a ruler.
00:16:31I'll just use her chest.
00:16:35That is one horrible git.
00:16:39But he has got his nice sight.
00:16:42Last month, he took out a massive life insurance on me.
00:16:45Ooh, shows he cares.
00:16:48Come along, Marlene.
00:16:49Let's go home and ignore each other for the evening.
00:16:56Right, okay, then.
00:16:57Where are they now, then?
00:16:58At the end of the runway.
00:17:00Yeah.
00:17:00Right, and they're just getting ready to take off.
00:17:03When suddenly,
00:17:05a big bird gets sucked into one of the engines.
00:17:07Oh, yes.
00:17:09I can see that, Rodney.
00:17:10That is drama.
00:17:11Yeah.
00:17:12Oh, I feel an Oscar coming on here.
00:17:16Who do you see playing the big bird?
00:17:21Hey?
00:17:22Roseanne Barr.
00:17:23She ain't small, is she?
00:17:26No, no.
00:17:27No, when I say big bird...
00:17:29I know, because, I mean,
00:17:29if you got Roseanne Barr stuck in your engine,
00:17:31you'd know all about it, wouldn't you?
00:17:33No, no, no.
00:17:34I'm talking about an eagle.
00:17:36Hmm?
00:17:36Or a corromant.
00:17:38Or a corromant.
00:17:41An eagle.
00:17:43Right.
00:17:43I see.
00:17:45Ah!
00:17:46No, no, got it.
00:17:47Got it, Rodney.
00:17:48Now, listen, this is it.
00:17:49Listen to this.
00:17:49You see, now,
00:17:50Mel, right,
00:17:52his assistant is, in the beginning,
00:17:54played by Roseanne Barr.
00:17:56I don't want Roseanne Barr.
00:17:57Listen to this.
00:17:58But when old Mel pulls her out of the engine,
00:18:00right, she's in a rat mess, ain't she, eh?
00:18:02Mel, listen to me.
00:18:03So, this is, no, listen,
00:18:04this is when we find out
00:18:05that not only is Mel, right,
00:18:07a pilot and a, you know,
00:18:09a science researchist,
00:18:11but he's also a plastic surgeon.
00:18:13No!
00:18:14And in the back of his aeroplane,
00:18:15right, right,
00:18:16he's got some of his old plastic surgeon tools.
00:18:18So, he operates on her.
00:18:20I don't want him operating on her.
00:18:22Yeah, you see,
00:18:22and then he turns her into Julia Roberts.
00:18:25Right?
00:18:26And when she looks in the mirror
00:18:28and sees what he's done,
00:18:29she says,
00:18:30go on, bloody hell, Mel,
00:18:31help yourself.
00:18:34And that is your romance.
00:18:38I'm not having Roseanne Barr's leg
00:18:39sticking out of one end
00:18:40of a Jumbo Jets engine
00:18:41and Julia Roberts' head
00:18:43sticking out the other end.
00:18:49And you certainly said they'd meet us.
00:18:51I'm positive.
00:18:55Oh, my God.
00:18:56Oh, no.
00:18:58Why did they do things like this?
00:19:00As I've said to you before,
00:19:03women are from Venus,
00:19:04men are from Peckham.
00:19:13I've carried that coffee for you.
00:19:15Get off me, Rodney.
00:19:17I'm sorry.
00:19:18I know you're an attentive
00:19:18and committed man,
00:19:19but you're getting on my bloody nerves.
00:19:23Hormones, eh?
00:19:24Yeah.
00:19:25I'm glad I ain't got none.
00:19:27No, it's an answering machine.
00:19:30I hate them.
00:19:31Hello, Denzel,
00:19:33this is Del Boy.
00:19:34Listen,
00:19:35I haven't been able to get hold of you
00:19:36for the last couple of weeks,
00:19:38but I just wanted to let you know
00:19:40that I had a job for you
00:19:41worth 500 quid.
00:19:43Well,
00:19:43I've had to let it go
00:19:44to someone else now,
00:19:46so I just wanted to let you know
00:19:48what a half-head
00:19:49I think you really are.
00:19:51Bonjour.
00:19:54You'll never guess.
00:19:55What?
00:19:55Oh, I've just been talking
00:19:57to that woman who cleans
00:19:58for Boycey and Marlene.
00:19:59She says she hasn't seen
00:20:01sight and the sound of Marlene
00:20:02for eight days now.
00:20:04No.
00:20:04What do you think's happened?
00:20:05I don't know.
00:20:06Strange, though.
00:20:07I can't imagine how Boycey and Marlene
00:20:10weren't divorced years ago.
00:20:11Oh, come on.
00:20:12Marlene will never divorce Boycey.
00:20:14She hates him too much.
00:20:16You shouldn't laugh about it.
00:20:19Marital break-ups can be very damaging.
00:20:21Years ago,
00:20:22I did some work for the Samaritans.
00:20:24What?
00:20:24You were actually on the phones?
00:20:25Oh, yeah.
00:20:26Yes.
00:20:27Very successful, he was, too.
00:20:29No-one ever phoned back.
00:20:35Del?
00:20:36Hmm?
00:20:36Have you seen Marlene recently?
00:20:38No.
00:20:39I bumped into Boycey
00:20:39a couple of days ago.
00:20:40He just said she'd gone away.
00:20:42Maybe he's mad at her.
00:20:43To keep your nose out of this.
00:20:46Do you think she's left him?
00:20:47Well, they were having
00:20:48quite a row in the pub.
00:20:49It got very nasty.
00:20:50He accused her of being flat-chested.
00:20:53Oh, come on.
00:20:53They're always having rows.
00:20:55You're wasting Denzel
00:20:56for a while either, have you?
00:20:58Maybe they've run off together.
00:21:01Oh, get in, though.
00:21:03And Marlene has run off with Den.
00:21:06So.
00:21:11Jane, half a lager and Del Shusel.
00:21:14Poison in the dining room.
00:21:17Candlestick in the bedroom.
00:21:19What, you playing Cluedo?
00:21:20No.
00:21:21It's called
00:21:22Whatever Happened to Marlene.
00:21:24It's been ten days now.
00:21:26I reckon she's either
00:21:27run off with another bloke
00:21:28or Boycey's killed her
00:21:29and buried her in the garden.
00:21:30Oh, are she spending
00:21:31the week at her sister's?
00:21:34Spending the week at her sister's?
00:21:35You're in your imagination, Rodney.
00:21:37Do you remember
00:21:38the old Jolly Boys outings
00:21:40we used to go on?
00:21:41Oh, what?
00:21:42They've been nice to Margate?
00:21:43Yeah, they were great.
00:21:44No, they've been one of them
00:21:44in years.
00:21:45No.
00:21:46Well, after the last one
00:21:47the coach firms
00:21:48wouldn't do business with us.
00:21:51But the other night
00:21:52I was going through
00:21:52a couple of old boxes
00:21:53and I found this.
00:21:57It's the first
00:21:58Jolly Boys outing.
00:22:00July 1960.
00:22:02There's Del, about 15.
00:22:05There's Trigger.
00:22:06Boycey, Denzel.
00:22:07What a bunch of mongs.
00:22:09Bloody hell.
00:22:09No, they look stupid.
00:22:12That was the fashion.
00:22:14There's your dad, Reg.
00:22:16Oh, yeah.
00:22:17There's your grandfather.
00:22:18There's me.
00:22:20Blimey, Sid.
00:22:21You look like an old git
00:22:22even in them days.
00:22:25Yeah.
00:22:27I haven't really aged.
00:22:30See you later, Rodney.
00:22:31I've got to go
00:22:31and get something to eat.
00:22:33We do food here.
00:22:34Yeah, I know.
00:22:34I've tried it before.
00:22:36Fair enough.
00:22:38Sick.
00:22:38Can I borrow this
00:22:39so I can get a copy, mate?
00:22:40I'm going to get it blown up
00:22:41and I'm going to embarrass
00:22:42still with it
00:22:42for the rest of his life.
00:22:44I want it back, though.
00:22:45Yeah, yeah, of course.
00:22:50There you go.
00:22:51Oh, well, it's all.
00:22:53What are you smirking at?
00:22:55Nothing.
00:22:56All right, Trigg?
00:22:57Nothing to report.
00:22:59Waiting for the glue to dry.
00:23:02All right.
00:23:02Mum's the word, eh, Trigg?
00:23:04I hope you're going to be around
00:23:05on Saturday night.
00:23:06It's a very special evening.
00:23:08What is that?
00:23:09The brewery giving us a new governor?
00:23:10No.
00:23:11Somebody's booked the pub for a do.
00:23:13And it's the first
00:23:15of my tribute nights.
00:23:17I've got a couple of young singers
00:23:18from Newcastle.
00:23:19They call themselves
00:23:20Lordy Geordie.
00:23:23They do a tribute
00:23:25to Robson and Jerome.
00:23:29Why?
00:23:32I didn't ask.
00:23:34The first act on
00:23:36is a David Bowie tribute.
00:23:38A carpenter
00:23:39calls himself
00:23:40Ziggy Sawdust.
00:23:45Make a note of that,
00:23:46will you, Rodney?
00:23:47I can't miss this.
00:23:49Yeah, sounds good, doesn't it?
00:23:55Well, I've been thinking.
00:23:56Well, good idea for one of our films, yeah?
00:23:58What's that?
00:23:59Well, you know,
00:24:01Denzel and Marlene
00:24:02running off together.
00:24:03These two people
00:24:04who've known each other
00:24:05since their teens,
00:24:06you know,
00:24:06and hid their passion
00:24:08for each other.
00:24:09And then,
00:24:09when they reach middle age,
00:24:11they can't contain it no longer,
00:24:13so they rush into each other's arms.
00:24:16But this is Denzel and Marlene.
00:24:18Yeah, I know.
00:24:19We'll get someone nice, though,
00:24:20won't we?
00:24:21Yeah, I can't do all that romance stuff.
00:24:23I'm more into science fiction.
00:24:25Yeah, I like all that as well, Dave.
00:24:28I mean,
00:24:30you think about space.
00:24:32It's everywhere, isn't it?
00:24:35You're right,
00:24:36you can't move for it, can you?
00:24:38Well, I read something
00:24:39the other day
00:24:39that was very frightening.
00:24:41Scientists have just discovered
00:24:42this gigantic black hole, right,
00:24:44right on the very edge
00:24:45of our galaxy.
00:24:46And if our planet continues
00:24:47on its ever-widening orbit,
00:24:49then eventually
00:24:50we'll be sucked into it
00:24:51and destroyed.
00:24:52Well, I'll make sure
00:24:53I'm out that day.
00:24:55So when's this going to happen?
00:24:59Well, they can't be
00:25:00too specific, can they?
00:25:02They can't sort of say,
00:25:02you know,
00:25:02Saturday the 12th of March
00:25:04at half past three, can they?
00:25:06No, well, you know,
00:25:06they can give us an idea,
00:25:08you know,
00:25:08give or take a fortnight.
00:25:10Well, roughly
00:25:12within two to three
00:25:15hundred million years.
00:25:17Oh, we've got time
00:25:18for a quick one, then.
00:25:22So what are they going
00:25:22to do about your date?
00:25:26What are who
00:25:27going to do about it?
00:25:28Well, the government.
00:25:30Well, it's nothing.
00:25:32They're going to send
00:25:33McAlpines up
00:25:33with a spaceship
00:25:34full of bricks?
00:25:36No, they need
00:25:36more than one.
00:25:40Jill, I know you don't
00:25:42believe in all this
00:25:42UFO rubbish,
00:25:43but I've been sitting here
00:25:45looking out of that
00:25:46window at the sky
00:25:47and I suddenly
00:25:49noticed a star.
00:25:50Well, it's nitric.
00:25:51It happens.
00:25:52Yeah, but this star
00:25:53suddenly disappeared
00:25:54just for a split second
00:25:55and then it came back again
00:25:57and then it disappeared
00:25:59and then it came back again
00:26:02and then it disappeared
00:26:04and then it came back again.
00:26:08Do you think that's
00:26:09a close encounter?
00:26:12No, it's called blinking.
00:26:17It's done it again, look.
00:26:20No, missed it.
00:26:27There it goes.
00:26:33It's amazing, isn't it, eh?
00:26:36Dear God.
00:26:41Trotters Independent Traders.
00:26:44Yeah?
00:26:45All right.
00:26:46Thank you, we'll be right down there.
00:26:48It's the manager
00:26:49of the Sopranos Pizza Parlour.
00:26:51We've found Denzil.
00:27:01Hey, Denzil, me old mate.
00:27:04All right, Dale.
00:27:05Hi, guys.
00:27:06Hi, fellas.
00:27:07How's it going?
00:27:08Yeah, that's fine.
00:27:10Just a wee word
00:27:10worried about you,
00:27:11me old mate.
00:27:12I don't think I'll be
00:27:13I was just off.
00:27:14No, no, no.
00:27:15You sit down, sit down.
00:27:16Let's have a little chin-way.
00:27:18Eh?
00:27:19Eh.
00:27:24Is there anything
00:27:25you'd like to tell us?
00:27:27We promise we won't be judgmental.
00:27:30These things happen.
00:27:31Who told you?
00:27:33Dale worked it out.
00:27:35Yeah, well,
00:27:36once Marlene went missing
00:27:37and so did you.
00:27:39You didn't have to be
00:27:40Jeremy Paxton
00:27:41to work out
00:27:42that you don't have to go.
00:27:44Run off with Marlene?
00:27:46Have you gone mad at what?
00:27:49Where have you been in?
00:27:50Well, if you must know,
00:27:51I've been in hospital.
00:27:52Hospital?
00:27:53Well, was there something
00:27:54wrong with you then?
00:27:55Well, yes, of course
00:27:56there was something
00:27:56wrong with me.
00:27:58Well, look.
00:28:01Look, I don't want
00:28:01to talk about it, Dale.
00:28:03It's been with me
00:28:04for quite a while.
00:28:06I didn't say anything
00:28:07to you or the others
00:28:08because, well,
00:28:09I just didn't want
00:28:10to admit it to myself.
00:28:13Finally, the doctor said,
00:28:14I've got to have
00:28:15the operation or...
00:28:18Or what?
00:28:21Trigger, you don't need
00:28:23to ask that question.
00:28:24When a bloke says
00:28:25or, you know what he means.
00:28:28What?
00:28:32Look, I've had the operation
00:28:33and I'm feeling better now.
00:28:35It's just that the specialist
00:28:36said he could always return,
00:28:38you know?
00:28:39I've just got to live in hope.
00:28:43Look, let her get a drink.
00:28:45Four beers, please,
00:28:46over here.
00:28:48Hey, I didn't spot you
00:28:49not lurking over here.
00:28:50How's it all going there?
00:28:52Yeah, well, look, is it?
00:28:53You and me have got
00:28:54a mutual friend.
00:28:55That young nurse
00:28:56that was looking after you,
00:28:57Jolene, I took her out
00:28:58for a couple of drinks.
00:28:59She told me all about your case.
00:29:02I don't believe this.
00:29:03It's supposed to be
00:29:04confidential, Mickey.
00:29:05Yeah, well, like I said,
00:29:06she'd had a couple of drinks.
00:29:07I don't envy you at all, Denzel.
00:29:09Look, my old granddad
00:29:11suffered with piles.
00:29:16Piles?
00:29:17You've had piles?
00:29:19It was us,
00:29:20worried sick about you
00:29:22and all you'd got
00:29:23was a touch of
00:29:24the farmer Giles.
00:29:25Not piles, Derek.
00:29:27Super piles.
00:29:29All this fuss
00:29:30over a few hemorrhoids.
00:29:32Hemorrhoids?
00:29:32They were more like asteroids.
00:29:35Surgery said
00:29:36it was keyhole surgery.
00:29:37Forgot to say
00:29:38it was the keyhole
00:29:39to the Tower of Sodden London.
00:29:42You want to see
00:29:42what he's done to me?
00:29:44No, thank you very much, Denzel.
00:29:46I'll just take your word for it.
00:29:48So what's all this
00:29:49about Marlene, then?
00:29:50She's gone missing.
00:29:51Nobody's seen her
00:29:52for about a week.
00:29:53No, we thought
00:29:53she was having an affair.
00:29:55It's funny you should say that,
00:29:57you know,
00:29:57because I was in town
00:29:58two weeks ago
00:29:59and I saw Marlene
00:30:00talking to this fella.
00:30:01All dressed up.
00:30:02Low-cut blouse,
00:30:04high heels,
00:30:05full make-up, the lot.
00:30:07What's she seeing
00:30:07and a bloke like that?
00:30:12No, what the...
00:30:13He's talking about Marlene.
00:30:15You are talking about her,
00:30:17aren't you?
00:30:18Yeah.
00:30:18So maybe Boycey
00:30:19found out Marlene
00:30:20was having an affair.
00:30:23And then he took out
00:30:24a very large
00:30:25life insurance policy
00:30:27on her.
00:30:32Oh, Boycey,
00:30:33we just once
00:30:34thought we'd pop in.
00:30:35Oh.
00:30:39Well, you must appreciate
00:30:40I'm a very busy man.
00:30:42So, er,
00:30:44what can I do for you?
00:30:45Well, a cup of tea
00:30:46wouldn't go amiss.
00:30:47Oh.
00:30:48So, how's Marlene
00:30:49these days?
00:30:50She's fine.
00:30:51Oh, it's just
00:30:52we haven't seen her
00:30:53around lately, you know?
00:30:54No.
00:30:55And that's because
00:30:56she's, er,
00:30:57been away.
00:31:00I'll put the kettle on.
00:31:05She's done her in.
00:31:05Look, you don't know that.
00:31:07What other explanation
00:31:08is there?
00:31:09Well, maybe she's
00:31:10staying with friends.
00:31:11Oh, don't be stupid.
00:31:12She's been missing
00:31:12for over a week.
00:31:13Who the hell's gonna have
00:31:14Marlene in their house
00:31:15for a week?
00:31:17You be observant.
00:31:19This could make
00:31:19a nice little film.
00:31:20Look, we have got
00:31:21to be very careful
00:31:22about what we say.
00:31:23We could be making
00:31:24a terrible mistake
00:31:25and one wrong word
00:31:26could cause a lot
00:31:26of pain and distress.
00:31:28Yes, you're right.
00:31:29Subtlety is the
00:31:30order of the day.
00:31:31Absolutely.
00:31:37Well?
00:31:38Right, well, Boisey,
00:31:40I hope you won't
00:31:42take offence
00:31:43by what I'm about
00:31:44to say,
00:31:44but me and Rodney
00:31:46think you've
00:31:46murdered Marlene
00:31:47and buried her
00:31:48in the garden.
00:31:53Beautiful day.
00:31:55How dare you.
00:31:57Murdered my wife
00:31:58and buried her
00:31:59in the garden.
00:31:59I have never been
00:32:00so insulted
00:32:01in all my life.
00:32:02You know how much
00:32:03I've spent on that garden.
00:32:04You think I'm gonna
00:32:04dig a little village?
00:32:07Oh, yeah.
00:32:08Never thought of that.
00:32:10So what have you
00:32:11done with her then?
00:32:11I have done
00:32:12nothing with her.
00:32:13She's upstairs.
00:32:14Upstairs.
00:32:15What?
00:32:16Hey, I'll see.
00:32:16She's upstairs.
00:32:17What else is there
00:32:18to say?
00:32:19Well, dead or alive
00:32:20might help.
00:32:23Marlene and I
00:32:24will be down
00:32:24the pub tonight.
00:32:25Then you will have
00:32:26all the proof you need,
00:32:27Inspector.
00:32:29Now, if you'll
00:32:30excuse me,
00:32:31I have business
00:32:32to attend to.
00:32:41See you later, Marlene.
00:32:45Well, she's
00:32:46probably asleep.
00:32:48Oh, yeah.
00:32:49Oh, yeah, right.
00:32:50See you later, Marlene!
00:32:56She's a deep sleeper.
00:32:58Yeah.
00:33:00She's dead to the world.
00:33:03See you tonight, Boise.
00:33:07Bonjour.
00:33:07Sure.
00:33:51What's all this, Sid?
00:33:52I got the idea from that little Spanish place in Fulham.
00:33:55That's tapas!
00:33:56This is, uh...
00:33:58Well, it's not good, is it?
00:33:59This is English tapas.
00:34:01Does Mike know you're doing this?
00:34:03I mean, I know he's still inside, but it's still his pub.
00:34:06Michael said, treat the pub as if it were your own.
00:34:09That's just a figure of speech.
00:34:10You stay at someone's house, I say, treat it as your own.
00:34:13Yeah, doesn't mean to say you take a sleight of it and build a thru lounge.
00:34:16Look, there it is. Take it or leave it.
00:34:19Oh, thank God, we've got a choice.
00:34:24Do you think Boyce will turn up?
00:34:26No, I shouldn't think he's halfway across Europe by now.
00:34:29Yeah, grab the insurance money and run.
00:34:54Good evening.
00:34:57I know what you have been saying about me, so I'm here to prove you wrong.
00:35:01Would you please all greet my wife, Marlene?
00:35:12Good evening, everyone.
00:35:15Sorry about your hair, Marlene.
00:35:18This cost me a bloody fortune up west.
00:35:20You look like Brian May in a spin dryer.
00:35:24Tell him.
00:35:25Ignore him.
00:35:27If I may, my dear.
00:35:40I've got a feeling this is going to cause trouble.
00:35:44I'm going to have someone's eye out.
00:35:58So that's where she's been for the last week or so.
00:36:01Uptown, getting a boob job.
00:36:03She has not had a boob job.
00:36:05Leave it out.
00:36:06You brought a ferment.
00:36:08I have not brought a ferment.
00:36:10I'm going to call up, twicken them, see if they've got a couple of balls missing.
00:36:14She has not had a boob job.
00:36:16That is all natural.
00:36:18Really?
00:36:18Well, she never used to have boobs as big of them.
00:36:21How the bloody order you know?
00:36:24You told me.
00:36:26Oh, yeah.
00:36:29So we got a dress designer in who simply made the most of what was available.
00:36:33Oh, yeah.
00:36:33And who was that bloke that she was seen uptown with the other week?
00:36:36Oh, that bloke.
00:36:37Yeah, that bloke was, well, that bloke was, he was, all right, that was a plastic surgeon.
00:36:45Ah-ha!
00:36:45That was it, eh?
00:36:47I just thought it might bring us closer together.
00:36:50And I thought it'll have the opposite effect.
00:36:53Well, I bloody well hope not.
00:36:55It was four grand a boob.
00:36:56Well, how much that cost you, then?
00:37:01About eight grand, Rick.
00:37:03Dimey.
00:37:09I feel sorry for her.
00:37:11It must be horrible going around with a couple of big boobies.
00:37:13Raquel and I are used to it.
00:37:18Are they laughing at me?
00:37:20Well, they're just having a good time.
00:37:22We'll see about that.
00:37:27Raquel, I'm so glad you wore that dress again.
00:37:30It's always been one of my favourites.
00:37:33That reminds me, boys.
00:37:34We've got to collect the curtains from the cleaners.
00:37:37Oh, just listen.
00:37:38And her looking like one of those little women you put over toilet rolls.
00:37:42Did you hear what she said?
00:37:44Yes.
00:37:46Now, be fair, Raquel.
00:37:47Marlene's made a big effort this evening.
00:37:49You can see her struggle's taking place.
00:37:53She's been in that bedroom for hours.
00:37:55Oh, shut up!
00:37:57I'm just trying to defend your honour.
00:37:59Leave it out, boys.
00:38:00You're trying to defend Marlene's honour.
00:38:02What have you got in the garden shed?
00:38:03A time machine.
00:38:06You're just jealous, aren't you?
00:38:07Just because I can afford a bit of surgery for my 40th birthday.
00:38:1140th?
00:38:1240th?
00:38:12When I first met you, you were pushing 40.
00:38:14For the last few years, you've been towing it.
00:38:17Right.
00:38:18That's it.
00:38:19Raquel, get out of the pub, you'll barred.
00:38:22What are you talking about, Sid?
00:38:25Eh?
00:38:25Oh.
00:38:26No.
00:38:27Marlene, get out of the pub, you'll barred.
00:38:30Beg your pardon?
00:38:31Get off home and take your foster tits with you.
00:38:35Don't tell me what you just said.
00:38:38How dare you!
00:38:39Right, we'll finish our drinks and then we'll...
00:38:41You will not finish them.
00:38:42You'll get out now.
00:38:43Right.
00:38:44Come along, Marlene.
00:38:45I've never been so insulted in my life.
00:38:51Sid, far be it from me to interfere,
00:38:53but I think we're taking this landlord-lark a bit too seriously.
00:38:56You're like Mussolini in a local harvester.
00:38:59I'm running this pub now.
00:39:01I don't think you should have banned Boise and Marlene.
00:39:04Oh, yes.
00:39:05And why is that?
00:39:06Because it's their anniversary due.
00:39:12Excuse me.
00:39:14I am paying for all this.
00:39:16Right.
00:39:17Drinks all round.
00:39:19Wait.
00:39:37All right, Raquel, where are you?
00:39:43You rotten, lying, devious, cheating man.
00:39:47Have I upset you, sweetheart?
00:39:49I found that letter from the official receiver.
00:39:51Ah, right, yeah.
00:39:53I've come back home to talk to you about that.
00:39:55You lied to me.
00:39:56And you've lied to Rodney about those letters.
00:39:58What letters?
00:39:59Hmm?
00:40:02All right, all right.
00:40:05These letters.
00:40:07Cartwright, Cartwright and Cartwright's solicitous of law.
00:40:11Yeah, well, there must be ten letters here.
00:40:12I know.
00:40:13It looks worse than it is.
00:40:14Yes, because half of them are Rodneys.
00:40:16You've been hiding my personal correspondence.
00:40:19I just wanted to take the pressure off you.
00:40:22That was all because you got Cassandra and the baby.
00:40:24And you didn't tell me that this flat is being auctioned in ten days' time.
00:40:28No, well, you had all that ironing.
00:40:32It's just been one bit of bad news after the other.
00:40:36I was just trying to protect you all.
00:40:38That was all.
00:40:38You're just a control freak, Derek.
00:40:40To you, other people don't matter, do they?
00:40:41That is not true, sweetheart.
00:40:43You just step over them like they don't exist.
00:40:45And what do they do in return?
00:40:46They love you so much, they all try to help you,
00:40:49and you just throw it back in their faces.
00:40:51Oh, they all tried to help me, yeah.
00:40:52What was it that you wanted me to do?
00:40:54Ask Boise for a loan?
00:40:56That's about the same as joining the Moonies.
00:40:59Then I got Rodney here trying to write
00:41:01Freddy Krueger and the Chocolate Factory
00:41:02and Trigger back at his place,
00:41:04scratching his arse with a chopstick.
00:41:07All these people are supposed to help me.
00:41:10You ungrateful sod.
00:41:13Well, at least I didn't suggest forming a Hollywood film company.
00:41:18You're going to wish that you'd never said that, Rodney.
00:41:21Just bringing up a pertinent point.
00:41:22No, pal, that's more like bringing up a furball.
00:41:25You were going to form a Hollywood film company.
00:41:28You see, you see, you see.
00:41:29No, not me, him, Rodney, that's what.
00:41:31He wanted to make this film about an uninhabited desert island
00:41:35with a tribe of cavemen living on it.
00:41:37Well, how's it uninhabited, then?
00:41:39Well, I don't know.
00:41:40And then this jumbo jet lads with a load of other people on board.
00:41:43A jumbo jet?
00:41:44And where's the runway come from?
00:41:46Well, I don't know.
00:41:48What's all this noise?
00:41:50Oh, Cassandra, you've got to hear the latest from these two morons.
00:41:53They're going to make their own Hollywood film.
00:41:55What was it, Del?
00:41:56They land on an uninhabited island in a jumbo jet.
00:41:59Who do?
00:42:01Mel Gibson and Julia Roberts.
00:42:02It's his idea.
00:42:03He wanted Julia Roberts.
00:42:04Oh, yeah, but he wanted Liz Hurley and Jordan.
00:42:06How can he land a jumbo jet on an uninhabited island?
00:42:09Where's the runway come from?
00:42:11Ah, yeah.
00:42:13Oh, I don't know.
00:42:13I'll ask him here.
00:42:14Seth will be demented.
00:42:21I don't know.
00:42:22You see?
00:42:23Well, maybe Fred Flintstone and Barney Rubble,
00:42:25they knocked it out, didn't they, one weekend, eh?
00:42:28And who was going to produce this masterpiece, as if I need ask?
00:42:31Oh, well, exactly, yeah.
00:42:33Alfred Stockcock here.
00:42:36So while we're worrying ourselves sick,
00:42:38these two are getting drunk and dreaming of making a Hollywood film.
00:42:41Aren't you just glad you made sacrifices for them?
00:42:44Now, just listen to me, Raquel.
00:42:46No, you listen to me, Derek.
00:42:48You've got to make contact with reality, Del.
00:42:50Everything with you is image.
00:42:52I saw you down the pub last night.
00:42:54We're broke, and you were throwing money around like Elton John.
00:42:57And instead of finding work,
00:42:59you prefer to sit in this recycled council flat,
00:43:02pretending to be Quentin Tarantino.
00:43:03And when we go out in the Capri,
00:43:05you insist on having the windows wound up,
00:43:07even in a heat wave,
00:43:08just to make other drivers think you've got air conditioning.
00:43:12Well, I know I'm not perfect.
00:43:13Oh, God!
00:43:14That is the understatement of the year.
00:43:17Unless a miracle happens,
00:43:18in ten days' time,
00:43:20my son and I
00:43:21are going to be living in some
00:43:22flea-bitten bed-and-breakfast
00:43:23in downtown Sadoffsville.
00:43:25All right, if it's a miracle you want,
00:43:27then I'm your man,
00:43:28ain't I?
00:43:29I'm chairman of Miracles Are Us.
00:43:30You're a man, Del.
00:43:32You'll never understand.
00:43:33Just remember one thing.
00:43:35Only women bleed.
00:43:36God blimey.
00:43:38Only women bleed.
00:43:40Gordon Bennett.
00:43:44I am not a control freak.
00:43:46It's just that I have had no choice.
00:43:49Do you realise that when I was sixteen,
00:43:52my old man walked out
00:43:54and left me and Rodney
00:43:55in the care of our daft old grandad?
00:43:58He tried his best,
00:44:00but he wasn't up to it.
00:44:02So I had to take over.
00:44:04And I've been doing it ever since,
00:44:06and I can't get out of the habit.
00:44:11I'm going to have a lie, Dan.
00:44:22All right?
00:44:25Oh, yeah, yeah, fine.
00:44:27Kel and I have had a quiet little chat.
00:44:30Yeah, I heard.
00:44:44You've got somewhere to stay?
00:44:46You know, after the auction.
00:44:48Well, Trigger said I could doss down at his place.
00:44:51There's not much room, you know,
00:44:53what with all those X-File videos and chopsticks.
00:44:55Oh, dear.
00:44:59Women.
00:45:00Do you know what Raquel said?
00:45:02She said,
00:45:02Only women bleed.
00:45:03Oh, blimey.
00:45:04She ought to be outside the Nags Head
00:45:06on a Saturday night.
00:45:08They reckon they're the only ones who suffer.
00:45:10They don't know what it's like to be a bloke.
00:45:13I mean, they worry about their PMT.
00:45:15Well, us men, we worry about...
00:45:18Our MOT?
00:45:18Yes.
00:45:20Do they listen to us?
00:45:22No, they don't.
00:45:23No, they don't.
00:45:25She'll never meet another bloke like me, will she?
00:45:29No.
00:45:32Well, that's it, Rodney.
00:45:33I mean, that is it.
00:45:34You know, once the...
00:45:35Once the flat is auctioned,
00:45:37I said we'll split up,
00:45:38we'll go our separate ways.
00:45:40Won't see her again.
00:45:41Well, Bill, don't say that.
00:45:42No, no, no.
00:45:43That's it, Rodney.
00:45:44She won't be able to get round me
00:45:46because, you know,
00:45:47when my mind is made up, pal,
00:45:49my mind is made up.
00:45:51Del?
00:45:54Yes?
00:45:55I just said
00:45:56I'm going for a lie-down.
00:46:09No, she's...
00:46:11She's all right, isn't she?
00:46:13She's what do you mean?
00:46:15She's lovely.
00:46:16She...
00:46:17Hey?
00:46:20Yeah, she's lovely.
00:46:48I'm going for a lie-down.
00:46:50Yeah, I'm going for a lie-down.
00:47:00You're not really with me tonight, are you?
00:47:02Sorry.
00:47:03I'm just thinking.
00:47:05Look, I know you're worried
00:47:06about losing the flat,
00:47:07but my mum and dad said
00:47:08we're welcome to stay there
00:47:09as long as we like.
00:47:11I know you and my mum don't...
00:47:12Yeah, that's great.
00:47:13Thanks.
00:47:18All right.
00:47:19What's wrong?
00:47:20Nothing.
00:47:21It's not a lie.
00:47:22Roddy, I refuse to have this baby
00:47:24until you tell me.
00:47:26Take a look at this.
00:47:29It's the Jolly Boys out
00:47:30into Margate, July 1960.
00:47:33This is great.
00:47:35Is that Del?
00:47:36Yeah.
00:47:37Fifteen.
00:47:39And Trigger.
00:47:40Oh, look at Trigger.
00:47:42Keep looking.
00:47:43That must be Boise.
00:47:44Those eyes.
00:47:46And Denzel.
00:47:46Look at his hair.
00:47:48Yeah.
00:47:49Keep looking.
00:47:51There's your grandad.
00:47:52Oh.
00:47:53And there's you.
00:47:57Yeah, it is, mate.
00:48:00July 1960.
00:48:02Before I was born.
00:48:12Well, where is everyone?
00:48:14I'm in the bathroom.
00:48:16Dinner's in the oven.
00:48:18Oh, all right.
00:48:32Oh, dear.
00:48:35Oh, dear.
00:48:36Oh, dear.
00:48:38Bloody hell.
00:48:41So, who is he?
00:48:44He's my father.
00:48:46But your father is...
00:48:48My real father.
00:48:50My biological old man.
00:48:53I've had my suspicions for years, you know.
00:48:57People tried to convince me it was just my imagination.
00:49:02His name was Freddy the Frog.
00:49:05He'd been a Royal Navy diver, hence the nickname, you know.
00:49:09Him and my mum were...
00:49:11friends.
00:49:13Are you absolutely certain?
00:49:15Look at the photo case.
00:49:17We don't need DNA with this one.
00:49:25All right.
00:49:27What's the first name that springs to mind?
00:49:29Well, Rodney.
00:49:32Exactly.
00:49:33Rodney.
00:49:36Who is he?
00:49:39His name was Freddy Robdall.
00:49:41He was a mate of my dad's.
00:49:44See, my mum was having a, well, a rough time with the old man.
00:49:48He was very handy, if you know what I mean, with women.
00:49:52Not much cop when it came to men, but, you know,
00:49:55he was a real old nut with women and kids.
00:49:58Anyway, one day my dad brought this Freddy Robdall home,
00:50:00and him and my mum, well, they got on like a house on fire,
00:50:03didn't they?
00:50:03You know, the same taste in music and...
00:50:07well, everything.
00:50:08And what was he, this Freddy Robdall?
00:50:11He was a gentleman safecracker.
00:50:14I called him the Raffles of Peckham.
00:50:17People have mentioned him before, and we sounded similar, you know.
00:50:21He was a connoisseur of fine wines,
00:50:23gourmet of international cuisine.
00:50:26Real snappy dresser.
00:50:28Big time charmer.
00:50:30So how are you similar?
00:50:34We're about the same height.
00:50:37So where's Freddy the Frog, or Daddy now?
00:50:41He's dead.
00:50:43Back in 64, he was breaking into a safe,
00:50:45and he sat on the detonator.
00:50:47He sat on the detonator?
00:50:50Why?
00:50:51Well, I think it's what's known in the underworld as an accident.
00:50:58And you've known all these years?
00:51:01No.
00:51:02Well, at least not when Rodney was a baby,
00:51:05but when you get to 20 and your six-year-old brother is taller than you are,
00:51:10it makes you think, doesn't it?
00:51:13I never knew, really, who he was.
00:51:15As a youngster, I was told to call him Uncle Fred.
00:51:19And then one night, a few years back,
00:51:21Uncle Albert got drunk at an old folks do.
00:51:24It was a wet corset contest.
00:51:29And anyway, he told me all about Freddy and my mum.
00:51:36You know.
00:51:38I don't know whether you noticed,
00:51:40but there are no photographs of my mum in this house.
00:51:43Except for a couple of close-ups I gave to Rodney.
00:51:46Well, yeah, but I assumed your dad would take them when he left.
00:51:50No, I used to think that.
00:51:51You only used to take money and things that you could sell.
00:51:55And then Uncle Albert told me,
00:51:58it was my Aunt Rean who dealt with it just after mum's funeral.
00:52:04You see, every photograph in this house
00:52:07had a picture of Freddy Robdell in it.
00:52:10My Aunt Rean knew that as Rodney got older,
00:52:13people would see the...
00:52:15...stimularities, you know?
00:52:17So she took them out and burnt them.
00:52:20Do you think Rodney knows?
00:52:23Well, he's never been very observant, has he?
00:52:26Yeah.
00:52:28Ain't got clue.
00:52:31Do you think Dale knows anything about all this?
00:52:34I would have seen it.
00:52:35You gonna tell him?
00:52:37No.
00:52:40It'd break his heart.
00:52:45Will you say anything to Rodney?
00:52:46I can't.
00:52:50It'd break his heart.
00:53:05Have we got a seat?
00:53:08Cartwright.
00:53:10What do you think he wants?
00:53:12You've asked me that a hundred times,
00:53:14and a hundred times I've said I don't bloody know.
00:53:18Well, think hard, Derek.
00:53:19We don't want to go in here unarmed.
00:53:21If we know what you did,
00:53:22then we can have our excuses ready.
00:53:25I've done nothing but a thing.
00:53:27All I know is that every business decision,
00:53:30every tactical move that I've ever made,
00:53:33we've already been done for.
00:53:35Oh, shut up.
00:53:37Oh, shut up.
00:53:37Probably nothing.
00:53:39Dale, solicitors don't send you ten letters for nothing.
00:53:42No, this is something.
00:53:43And my instincts say it's something bad.
00:53:49We're going to go to prison, aren't we?
00:53:50Oh, shut up, you talk.
00:53:51We're not going to go to prison.
00:53:53Cassandra's going to be bringing my baby
00:53:54to visit me in Wormwood Scrums.
00:53:57Oi, and you know the fun and games
00:53:59they get up to in prison, don't you?
00:54:01Well, you can guarantee I'm going to be a prime target.
00:54:06Well, I hope they put us in separate cells,
00:54:08you depressing git.
00:54:10Well, how do you expect me to feel?
00:54:12A few weeks from now, I could be someone's bitch.
00:54:17Some great big ugly geezer's going to choose me
00:54:20to be his special friend.
00:54:23All you've got to say is,
00:54:24Oi, none of that.
00:54:27You say, I'll look after you, Rodney.
00:54:29You lend me his Rolling Stones CD
00:54:31and then we'll be engaged.
00:54:33Well, at least we'll have a little bit of a party then, won't we?
00:54:37I'm going to ask to be put in solitary confinement.
00:54:40No, no, no, don't do that
00:54:41because you don't want a reputation as a tease.
00:54:47You're enjoying this, aren't you?
00:54:49No, look, just listen to me, will you, dumpy?
00:54:52The lawyer has asked us to come in there
00:54:53and have a little chat, hasn't he?
00:54:54And this, whatever it is, is a civil matter.
00:54:57You only go to prison for a criminal offence.
00:55:01That means a police prosecution.
00:55:03Do you see any Mr. Plodds around there?
00:55:07Yes.
00:55:08I'm so stupid, aren't I?
00:55:10I'll just let my imagination run away with itself and...
00:55:15But if the worst comes to the worst...
00:55:18All right, I'll go in the showers first.
00:55:22Yeah, well, I've been doing a bit of thinking lately.
00:55:29Hmm?
00:55:30Well, you know that photo that Sid lent me?
00:55:34Gentlemen?
00:55:36Mr. Cartwright will see you now.
00:55:49Ah, gentlemen, please take a seat.
00:55:52So, at last we meet.
00:55:55You two have proved to be very elusive.
00:55:58I've been writing to you for three months now, not one word of reply.
00:56:00Yes, sorry about that.
00:56:02We've been a bit busy.
00:56:03Yeah, we've had a few problems, you know, recently.
00:56:06Yes, I heard.
00:56:07I took the liberty of speaking to your solicitor.
00:56:09He related a tale of woe to me.
00:56:11Yeah, well, the international stock market can be a fickle thing.
00:56:16Yeah, no, I was referring to his unpaid bill.
00:56:19Oh, er, yeah, we were discussing that out in your waiting room, and it's in the post.
00:56:25Yes, I'm sure.
00:56:26Um, let's attend to the matter at hand.
00:56:28Look, can't you just cut to the chase and tell us the worst?
00:56:31Yes, you tell us what you're suing us for, and we'll tell you why we can't pay.
00:56:36Mr. Trotter, you seem to be under entirely the wrong impression.
00:56:39Did you not read any of my letters?
00:56:41I said I had something that may be of interest to you.
00:56:44My firm acted as solicitors for your great uncle, Albert Gladstone Trotter.
00:56:49Oh, no.
00:56:51All right.
00:56:53What did he do?
00:56:55Well, nothing, as far as I know.
00:56:57This is a reading of his last will and testament.
00:57:01Albert left the will, indeed.
00:57:03He didn't have nothing.
00:57:03Well, not quite.
00:57:05I understand that when you came into your fortune, you made Albert a very generous gift.
00:57:10Yeah, well, I mean, we saw that he was all right, but that would be, well, you know, what, six
00:57:16years ago.
00:57:17He'd probably blown all that.
00:57:19Well, not entirely.
00:57:20As you know, Albert lived a very simple life.
00:57:23He didn't buy properties or Rolls Royces, didn't care for Caribbean holidays or Hawaiian cruisers.
00:57:30He simply invested your gift, and with respect, in a far more stable area than you managed to.
00:57:35All business, I switched to blue chip.
00:57:37Not very exciting, but stable, and bringing in a small but regular interest.
00:57:42Anyway, he's left his entire estate to you.
00:57:45Now, before I do the legal reading, let's, as you say, cut to the chase.
00:57:49After death duties, he has left you the sum of £145,000.
00:58:10Yes, hello?
00:58:12Raquel!
00:58:13Raquel!
00:58:14You'll never guess we're saved!
00:58:15It was all about Uncle Albert and his will!
00:58:20We're on our way.
00:58:23All right, he's in the delivery room 10.
00:58:27I don't know if I can fight sticks.
00:58:28Of course you can, Rodney!
00:58:29You've got to be there for a berth, otherwise you'll never forgive yourself.
00:58:34No, no, you're right.
00:58:35Here you are!
00:58:37This is it! This is it! This is it!
00:58:39Come on, give us a cup! Give us a cup!
00:58:41That's it, good boy!
00:58:42Good boy!
00:58:43Right, go on, Nathan!
00:58:53Oh, bloody hell!
00:58:55I'm sorry.
00:58:58I'm sorry.
00:58:59I'm sorry.
00:59:00What are you playing like, Pat?
00:59:01My wife's in there having a baby and you just want to do it for a look.
00:59:05It wasn't like that, I was...
00:59:06I'm sorry.
00:59:08You're not a perth.
00:59:14It was room 16, not 10.
00:59:17I mean, you've got a punch on the mouth, just...
00:59:19Shut up, you two-half! Come on!
00:59:26From me.
00:59:27I've got to be there for the berth.
00:59:28You can't be there for the berth.
00:59:31What?
00:59:34They've had to give Cassandra a caesarean section.
00:59:37What's happened to my baby?
00:59:39The baby's already been delivered.
00:59:41And mother and child are fine.
00:59:48Mr. Trotter.
01:00:06Are you all right, sweetheart?
01:00:07Yeah.
01:00:08I've never felt better in all my life.
01:00:12She's a love, isn't she, eh?
01:00:26Well...
01:00:27What do you reckon?
01:00:30She's like a work of art.
01:00:35Yeah.
01:00:36Lovely jubbly.
01:00:59What are you going to call her?
01:01:02I don't know yet.
01:01:05And Cass had disagreement, you know.
01:01:07If it was a boy, she'd name him.
01:01:09If it was a girl, I could name her.
01:01:13You're not going to hold me to that, are you?
01:01:16Oh, yeah.
01:01:19Yeah.
01:01:35What were you saying on the phone about Uncle Albert in a will?
01:01:39Oh, I'll explain it all later.
01:01:42All I'm going to tell you is that the auctioneers
01:01:44isn't going to stuff themselves
01:01:45because we are staying put.
01:01:56Yeah.
01:02:14You're a work of art.
01:02:18Yes, you are.
01:02:47Did you love him?
01:02:49Did he love you?
01:02:53I hope he made you happy.
01:02:55You know, a few laughs.
01:03:00I've got two photos of you.
01:03:03But that's it.
01:03:05That's my past.
01:03:07My history is two photos.
01:03:10One of them's blurred.
01:03:13Don't matter.
01:03:19I hope she'll be as lovely as you.
01:03:22Well, she will.
01:03:27I wish I'd known you.
01:03:30Wish we'd had...
01:03:33Well, you know.
01:03:35Something to...
01:03:39Something.
01:03:49If you bump into Uncle Albert,
01:03:51say thanks.
01:03:56Oh, here you are, Rodney.
01:03:59I wonder where you was.
01:04:00Been looking for you.
01:04:01Well, I just thought I'd take her out
01:04:02for a little walk, you know.
01:04:04Get a bit of tidying up.
01:04:08She's a little heartbreaker, isn't she, eh?
01:04:12Have you got a name for her yet?
01:04:14Hmm.
01:04:16No.
01:04:17Huh?
01:04:39Not in the name.
01:04:44Dale can I ask you a question. Yeah what's that? Other than Luke's, was he like me in
01:04:56any way? Who? You know who? Freddie Robdall, my father.
01:05:08Freddie the Frog was a professional burglar. He was disloyal to his friends. He was a
01:05:15womaniser, a homebreaker, a conman, a thief, a liar and a cheat. So no Rodney, you're
01:05:25nothing like him. Come on, let's go home bruv.
01:05:48Can I ask you a question, Rodgers? Yeah, by the way. Where did that runway come from?
01:05:58Well, I don't fancy my kid out for him anymore. You know what, Rodgers? That's a bloody good
01:06:03idea.