- 2 days ago
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00:00:01What's up with you, Rodney?
00:00:03I'm a bit nervous, that's all.
00:00:05I mean, this bloke we're going to see, this Justin,
00:00:08he's not going to be asking me anything about my private life, that sort of thing, is he?
00:00:11Of course he ain't.
00:00:13Well, not that private.
00:00:14He's not going to want to know about you and Cassandra's... little problems.
00:00:19No, no, good. Because otherwise I will...
00:00:22What problems?
00:00:23Me and Cassandra haven't got any problems.
00:00:25That's not what you said to me the other night.
00:00:29All right, so there's been one or two minor hiccups in a bedroom department,
00:00:33but they're personal and I told you, in confidence.
00:00:36All right.
00:00:38I'm not going to be telling him about your phones and things.
00:00:42And I won't tell him what Cassandra wears either.
00:00:47Sorry to keep you waiting.
00:00:48It's been a particularly busy morning.
00:00:50Now, I've got all the basic details about your business career, etc.
00:00:54But what I'd like to do is to get an insight into the real you.
00:00:58How you started.
00:00:59How you became so successful.
00:01:00But more importantly, your lives and your...
00:01:03Raison d'etre.
00:01:06Laboratory Ghani.
00:01:12So, erm...
00:01:13In your own words.
00:01:15And in your own time.
00:01:19Well, where shall I start, Justin?
00:01:22Well, up to a few years ago, we were just very ordinary people living...
00:01:29Well, very ordinary lives, weren't we, Ronnie?
00:01:50And then, as you know, one day I discovered an historic and almost priceless artifact.
00:01:56Anyway, at first we didn't know what to do with it.
00:01:58That's right.
00:01:59To begin with, we thought about donating it to the British Museum as a national treasure.
00:02:03Yeah.
00:02:04And then we decided to flog it.
00:02:06So, before you know, Rodders and me have come in nigh on six and a half million quid.
00:02:15Well, after we divvied the dosh up, right?
00:02:17You know, we're making sure that our Uncle Alba got a nice little drink.
00:02:21But, we thought of others first.
00:02:25We donated to charity.
00:02:27And enormously, of course.
00:02:35So, eventually, we had to start thinking about our future.
00:02:39So, we sought out this city stockbroker.
00:02:44And he advised us to invest in a new and vibrant venture.
00:02:48It was the Central American market.
00:02:50It was attracting massive funds from all over the world.
00:02:53We were making more money than the Royal Mint.
00:02:55But we weren't flash.
00:02:57Oh, no, no, no.
00:02:58We weren't flash.
00:03:02I mean, even when we went away on business, we always took the family with us.
00:03:06There would be me and Raquel, my significant other.
00:03:09And, of course,
00:03:11Rodney, Cassandra.
00:03:13Cheers.
00:03:16And not forgetting my young son, Damien.
00:03:20He's in there, doesn't he, eh?
00:03:27She's into superstitions.
00:03:29Black cats and blue dolls.
00:03:32I feel a premonition.
00:03:35That girl's gonna make me fall.
00:03:42She's into sensation.
00:03:45And cats become alive.
00:03:47She's got new addictions for everyday night.
00:03:55Oh, Mr. Trotter.
00:03:58It's good to see you again.
00:04:01Bonnet de douche, Dominique.
00:04:03Bonnet de douche.
00:04:06Del.
00:04:07You've got to have a word with Damien.
00:04:08People are complaining.
00:04:10Oh, no.
00:04:11What's he done now?
00:04:12He's just weed in the swimming pool.
00:04:14I'll beat me down, Cassandra.
00:04:16All little boys do a jolly cash in the swimming pool, don't they?
00:04:18Yes.
00:04:19But not from the top of the four-metre diving board.
00:04:27It's a little git.
00:04:45This is the bizzo, isn't it, brothers?
00:04:47It's not too bad, is it?
00:04:49Oh.
00:04:49Old Uncle Albert, he'd love it here, wouldn't he?
00:04:52Watch it, you bet your life he's been here before, eh?
00:04:55Still he's happy down there on the coast, isn't he?
00:04:58Right next door to the sea.
00:05:00And he's living in sin with old Elsie Partridge, his girlfriend.
00:05:04His girlfriend?
00:05:06Do me a favour.
00:05:07I heard that she was the one that cut the ribbon on the opening of Stone End.
00:05:12Yeah, well, at least we haven't got to sit through the Battle of the Baltic every night, eh?
00:05:16During the war.
00:05:17Right.
00:05:18During the war.
00:05:21Hey, come on, brothers, I feel lucky tonight.
00:05:24I can't, mate.
00:05:26What?
00:05:27I promised Cassandra.
00:05:30No gambling, no discos, no talking to women and no boozing.
00:05:34Yeah, but what she meant was not to exist.
00:05:38You're not on probation, are you?
00:05:41Come on, I'll treat us to a few bottles of champagne just to get us started.
00:05:45Hey!
00:05:46During the war.
00:05:48During the war.
00:05:49Hey!
00:05:50I was aboard this battlecruiser.
00:05:52And then, just as everything seemed to be going so well...
00:06:03Something...
00:06:06Something terrible happened.
00:06:17Chateau nerfed the pack.
00:06:21Turned out that negotiations between the Central American countries had collapsed.
00:06:26Yeah.
00:06:27It was wiped out.
00:06:28Nicked the coin.
00:06:29We'd even paid for the hotel on a credit card.
00:06:32A credit card which had now been withdrawn.
00:06:35Derek is, if nothing else, a very creative businessman.
00:06:39And he came up with a solution to our dilemma.
00:06:42Come on!
00:06:48Come on!
00:06:51Come on!
00:06:53Come on!
00:06:54Come on!
00:06:55Come on!
00:06:56Come on!
00:06:57Come on!
00:06:57Come on!
00:06:58Right.
00:06:59It's time to go.
00:07:02Yeah, follow me, gentlemen.
00:07:12How long did it take for the news to hit the UK?
00:07:15About as long as it took for someone to push a button on the internet.
00:07:18Suddenly, all our so-called business associates wouldn't return our calls.
00:07:22We were cast out of the financial wilderness.
00:07:24Yeah, but fortunately, we come from a strong community.
00:07:27And when all our old friends from Beckham heard the news,
00:07:30well, they was as gutted as us.
00:07:32Really?
00:07:33Yeah.
00:07:42There's a name that crops up every now and then.
00:07:45Um...
00:07:45Michael Fisher, landlord of a public house, the nags head, Beckham.
00:07:50What part did he play in the proceedings?
00:07:52Well, Mike invested his life savings in our venture.
00:07:55He actually remortgaged the pub.
00:07:57I see. And will Mr Fisher be giving evidence?
00:07:59No, he's in prison.
00:08:01He's waiting trial.
00:08:03The fraud squad claims that he tried to recoup his losses by embezzling the brewery.
00:08:10Well, never was a man more innocent.
00:08:13I take it Mr Fisher will be pleading not guilty.
00:08:16Uh, no, he confessed to everything.
00:08:28For God's sake, Denzel, sit down. You're wearing the marble out.
00:08:32I can't, I'll be can I.
00:08:33I've never been a character witness before.
00:08:35And you think we have?
00:08:37I'm worried. I think Del's made a terrible mistake.
00:08:40Well, of course he's made a terrible mistake.
00:08:43That's why he's in court.
00:08:44No, I mean having you four as character witnesses.
00:08:48It's like inviting the Manson family to dinner.
00:08:52Well, we saw Del and Rodney earlier. They seemed quietly confident.
00:08:56They were arranged to meet Raquel and Cassandra for a celebration lunch.
00:08:59So I'd avoid Pizza Hut if I were you.
00:09:03Del was not confident. He was deeply worried.
00:09:07I mean, he didn't even touch me up.
00:09:11Well, I'm the one with the most to worry about.
00:09:13Why?
00:09:14Because I'm managing the knave's head until Mike is released.
00:09:17But how exactly do I know what he got up to?
00:09:20Yeah. I mean, how does Sid know Mike didn't post date his fiddles,
00:09:23so the police will think they're Sid's fiddles?
00:09:25There's nothing to be nervous about, Denzel.
00:09:27All you've got to do is go in there and tell the truth.
00:09:29Trick. If I go in there and tell the truth,
00:09:32Del and Rodney are going to be spending the next five years
00:09:34sharpening Geoffrey Archer's pencils.
00:09:38What are you going to do in there, Trick?
00:09:40I'm going to tell them I hear voices.
00:09:42That's not true. You're not on trial.
00:09:44You're not trying to witness.
00:09:46I know. But I hear voices.
00:09:50Oh, God. It's going to be one of them days.
00:09:54I noticed that your respective properties were company-owned,
00:09:57so you both lost your homes.
00:09:59Yes. I had a lovely little place right on the river.
00:10:02Yeah, well, I had an estate, didn't I, with peacocks and everything.
00:10:06Anyway, at least we weren't homeless.
00:10:09Due to my foresight some years previously,
00:10:12I had bought another property.
00:10:14So, at least we had somewhere to live.
00:10:16Yeah. It's called our old flat, Nelson Mandela House.
00:10:20It just goes to show you how our fortunes altered.
00:10:23I mean, suddenly everything had changed.
00:10:25Yeah.
00:10:26All our good luck turned to bad.
00:10:28Every day there was more rails, there was more bad news.
00:10:32We thought things couldn't possibly get worse.
00:10:35Oh, boy, how wrong we were.
00:10:45Good evening, and welcome to the quiz show that everyone is talking about.
00:10:50This is the fastest game show on TV.
00:10:51This is Monday, this is live, this is Jonathan Ross, and this is Gold Rush.
00:11:01It's no good looking at me with that Ann Robinson face.
00:11:05I'll look at you any way I like.
00:11:08Well, at least I am trying to do something about it.
00:11:12And what exactly are you doing?
00:11:14I'm after a stockbroker.
00:11:15You've already got a stockbroker.
00:11:17That is the one I'm after.
00:11:20Why didn't he tell me that the stock market was going to crash?
00:11:22He phoned you at least six times.
00:11:25Phoned you on the Monday and said he had to speak to you urgently,
00:11:27but you were too busy to speak to him.
00:11:29Well, I was water skiing.
00:11:30He just wasted our bloody birthright.
00:11:33And then Trotters Independent Traders hired a helicopter to fly to Nice
00:11:36to collect some magazines.
00:11:39Unbelievable.
00:11:40That was you.
00:11:45Well, I'm a big man, I've got broad shoulders.
00:11:48The buck stops here and I take full responsibility.
00:11:51Even though it was Rodney's fault.
00:11:54How the hell was it my fault?
00:11:56You were the company's director of administration.
00:11:59That just meant Rodney organised the Christmas parties.
00:12:01Yeah, and they were about as exciting as a Buddhist ten night.
00:12:06You were the managing director, you were the chairman,
00:12:09you were the chief executive and you were the president.
00:12:11Oh, it's my fault now, is it?
00:12:13Either you or this is the Chinese year of the dodo.
00:12:17Wait a minute, you can't lay all the blame at Derek's door.
00:12:20No.
00:12:21I know it's tempting.
00:12:23So why is it whenever we've got something good going,
00:12:25anything that remotely resembles a future, he norses it up?
00:12:29That's just the way he is.
00:12:34And it's unfair of you to blame Rodney for all of this.
00:12:37After all, he is your brother.
00:12:39Yes.
00:12:39And just like a brother, he's let me down all his life.
00:12:44Oh, is that right?
00:12:45Well, if I've always been such a let down,
00:12:48why did you insist on having me around?
00:12:50To keep my promise to mum.
00:12:52And you never know when you might need some bone marrow.
00:13:00Cassandra, answer that phone, will you please?
00:13:02Yes, sir.
00:13:03Straight away, sir.
00:13:04Don't worry, this time next year we're going to be millionaires.
00:13:07This time last week we were millionaires.
00:13:10I'm sorry, I can't hear you very well.
00:13:12Well, go in the kitchen then.
00:13:15Don't worry, don't worry.
00:13:15Look, I've worked it all out.
00:13:17I'm serious.
00:13:18I've worked out a way in which we can make a hundred thousand pounds.
00:13:22Now, invest that wisely.
00:13:23Invest that wisely.
00:13:25Invest that wisely.
00:13:25Invest it wisely.
00:13:26And before you know where you are,
00:13:27you and I can buy a nice little gaff each.
00:13:29All right.
00:13:31Go on then.
00:13:32What's the plan?
00:13:33Well, I wasn't going to say nothing like that, but...
00:13:35Well, okay.
00:13:36You ready?
00:13:37I'm going to apply to go on that new game show, The Gold Rush.
00:13:42LAUGHTER
00:13:45Did I say something amusing?
00:13:48Derek, last night one of the questions was,
00:13:50who introduced the potato to England?
00:13:52And you said King Edward.
00:13:54LAUGHTER
00:13:57I didn't hear the question properly.
00:14:00LAUGHTER
00:14:00Oh, look, Del, look.
00:14:02If you want to appear on the telly,
00:14:03why don't I try for something more simple?
00:14:04Like go on stars in their eyes as Barry White.
00:14:07LAUGHTER
00:14:08Del!
00:14:09Del!
00:14:10Hmm?
00:14:11It's Elsie Partridge's son.
00:14:13What's he want?
00:14:14It's Uncle Albert.
00:14:15I'm sorry.
00:14:17Hmm?
00:14:18I'm so sorry.
00:14:19Before they got me.
00:14:20Hey!
00:14:20I'm sorry!
00:14:23Thank you, Amber.
00:14:25I'm sorry.
00:14:26My name is John.
00:14:27Bye!
00:14:27I'm sorry.
00:14:27I'm sorry.
00:14:27I'm sorry.
00:14:31I'm sorry.
00:14:33I'm sorry.
00:14:34I'm sorry.
00:14:36I'm sorry.
00:14:38I'm sorry.
00:14:39But I'm sorry.
00:14:44I'm sorry.
00:14:51All right, ready?
00:14:54Chopper and a break.
00:14:56Let's leave it till the hearse arrives.
00:14:58Yeah.
00:14:59All right.
00:15:05We're Albert's nephew, sir.
00:15:08Derek and Rodney Trotter from Peckham.
00:15:11Hello, I'm Marion.
00:15:12I did a bit of cleaning for Albert.
00:15:13Look, lovely old man.
00:15:17Went on a bit.
00:15:21Excuse me.
00:15:22Excuse me.
00:15:23This is Cassandra.
00:15:25That's Rodney's wife.
00:15:26This is Damien.
00:15:28This is my son.
00:15:29This is Raquel.
00:15:30She's my significant other.
00:15:32I'll ask you all.
00:15:34Please, come on in and have a drink.
00:15:49Damien put it back.
00:15:54I feel bad, you know, about leaving him here on his own while we was all off globetrotting.
00:15:59He wasn't on his own.
00:16:00He was with Elsie.
00:16:01Yeah, but Elsie was in that rest home, weren't she, for the last six months?
00:16:04But he had all her family around him.
00:16:06Yeah, he was having a good time.
00:16:09Yeah.
00:16:10Just that I wish that we'd taken him with us when we went to Barbados and all them other places.
00:16:15Well, we did ask.
00:16:17But if you remember, the ancient mariner, who'd been round the world more times than a Russian satellite,
00:16:23never had a passport.
00:16:26Would you admit they didn't find that out?
00:16:27Our work would have been in right trouble.
00:16:38Hey, Rodney.
00:16:40Yeah?
00:16:42Yeah, old sod.
00:16:43Only had his own monogrammed brandy glass, didn't he?
00:16:46Yeah, he loved his cognac, didn't he?
00:16:48Just to keep the old coals at bay, eh?
00:16:51Remember?
00:16:52Oh, pardon me.
00:16:53I'm Roland.
00:16:53I was married to Albert's niece, Eileen.
00:16:55All right.
00:16:56A sister of my brother, Rodney.
00:16:57Rodney.
00:16:57Yeah, and Cassandra, come and say hello.
00:17:00This is Cassandra, Rodney's wife.
00:17:02Hello.
00:17:02And Daniel.
00:17:03It's my son, Daniel.
00:17:04Daniel.
00:17:05And this is...
00:17:06Raquel.
00:17:07And this is Derek, my significant other.
00:17:12Nice to meet you all.
00:17:14Well, I suppose we'll all miss him in our way, eh?
00:17:17Yeah.
00:17:18Missing him already.
00:17:20I'll tell you one thing we won't miss, though.
00:17:22All those bloody wartime sagas.
00:17:28Actually, Roland, we used to love hearing about his past.
00:17:32That's right.
00:17:33Come on, get enough of it.
00:17:34Yeah, but he did go on, though, didn't he?
00:17:36He never bloody stopped.
00:17:40Yeah, well, you'd have to blame me for that one, Roland.
00:17:43You see, I used to love them stories.
00:17:45I loved them so much that when he got to the point that said,
00:17:48and then Germany surrendered, I'd say,
00:17:50tell us about the day that war was declared.
00:17:52And he'd start all over again and go right the way through it.
00:17:55We'd stay up all night sometimes.
00:17:56Wouldn't we, wouldn't we?
00:17:57Yeah, well, more fool you, Derek.
00:17:59I used to just tell him straight.
00:18:00I'd say, oi, knock off the John Wayne stuff.
00:18:02Here you go on.
00:18:03You'd think he'd won the war all by yourself.
00:18:05Yeah, well, in many ways, that's true.
00:18:07Because everyone involved was fighting their own individual war,
00:18:09wouldn't they?
00:18:11Yeah, yes.
00:18:11You've got to remember that a lot of blokes lost their lives
00:18:15for our liberty, just so that 50 years later,
00:18:18prats like you would have the freedom to knock them.
00:18:21All right?
00:18:21All right?
00:18:22Take it easy, Del.
00:18:24I'll tell you what, Roland, have they got a garden here?
00:18:25Because I think you and I ought to go outside
00:18:28and have a more detailed chat.
00:18:29Oh, my God.
00:18:30Don't take it.
00:18:31I'll take it.
00:18:31Go on, Dad.
00:18:32Take it.
00:18:33No, no, no, no.
00:18:34I didn't mean to upset anybody.
00:18:36Calm down.
00:18:37All right, Roland.
00:18:38The curse is on its way.
00:18:41I'll go and get a roof, okay?
00:18:42So you just...
00:18:43All right, Roland, you're all right.
00:18:50Have you calmed down?
00:18:53Yes, yes, all right.
00:18:54It's all right, sweetheart.
00:18:57I'll tell you another thing.
00:18:59None of the others have bothered to turn up, have they, eh?
00:19:02Boy, see, Marlene Denzel triggered that lot.
00:19:04Oh, don't worry, Del boy.
00:19:05We'll be there.
00:19:06You know, pay our last respects.
00:19:08Well, where are they?
00:19:10You would have thought Sid would have put in an appearance.
00:19:12I mean, he was in the war.
00:19:14Oh, he's in that pub, isn't he?
00:19:15Making too much money.
00:19:17Well, maybe they have problems.
00:19:19It is a bit of a journey.
00:19:20I'll tell you what.
00:19:21Good old Mike would have made more of an effort to get here, and he's in the nick.
00:19:25Come on, you.
00:19:26Outside.
00:19:27Well, I'm all right.
00:19:33I'm sorry.
00:19:34Again, I really didn't mean to offend anybody.
00:19:36It's okay.
00:19:37The emotion's running a bit high, that's all.
00:19:38Yeah.
00:19:39I bet old Bunny's up there having a right laugh at us, eh?
00:19:42I bet he is.
00:19:45Bunny?
00:19:46Yeah, Halbert.
00:19:48Why'd you call him Bunny?
00:19:49Well, that's what they called him in the RAF, didn't they?
00:19:52Because his surname was Warren.
00:19:54Warren.
00:19:56Warren.
00:20:00Warren.
00:20:02Warren.
00:20:04Warren.
00:20:05Warren.
00:20:06Warren.
00:20:08Warren.
00:20:11Warren.
00:20:23Warren.
00:20:26Warren.
00:20:33Warren.
00:20:37Warren.
00:20:38I don't know.
00:21:13I don't know.
00:21:39The Inland Revenue versus Trotters' Independent Traders.
00:21:44Fair dues, they bounced, but they was always on fire.
00:21:53I can't believe it.
00:21:54Where did you get all this crap from?
00:21:58Oh, I thought they were going to bang you up.
00:22:01Well, you was wrong, weren't you, rat boy?
00:22:03It was on the right of all responsibility.
00:22:05So you both got off?
00:22:07Not quite.
00:22:09You sit down, I'll get you a cup of tea.
00:22:11No, no, I need something stronger than tea, Raquel.
00:22:13What happened, Dad?
00:22:15The court declared me bankrupt.
00:22:17Does that mean you're going to prison?
00:22:18No!
00:22:19Well, not yet.
00:22:20Why does he keep going on about prison?
00:22:22Oh, all his mates' dads are doing time.
00:22:23He feels left out.
00:22:25Daniel, go to your room and tidy it.
00:22:26I did it this morning.
00:22:27Well, go and tidy it again.
00:22:31So, what exactly does it mean?
00:22:33It means that the Inland Revenue give you a year to pay off your debt.
00:22:38Then they come in and take all your goods.
00:22:40Well, anything of any value.
00:22:41So it won't affect us, then?
00:22:44We have got something of value, Raquel.
00:22:46You're sitting in it.
00:22:47This flat, it's our home.
00:22:49They'll steal the roof from over our heads.
00:22:51Oi, you take it from me.
00:22:53That is not going to happen, Derek.
00:22:55Well, have you got an idea, then, Rodney?
00:22:56No, I mean, you've had it on the market for five years
00:22:58and no-one's even looked at it.
00:23:00That's because I had it up for its true value.
00:23:02They'll come along and auction it for a third of its price.
00:23:06So what are we going to do, then?
00:23:08I suppose you could always look for a job.
00:23:12Trigger said they're recruiting down at his depot.
00:23:15The pay's not too bad, either.
00:23:17I know it's only road-sweeping, but...
00:23:20She's right, though.
00:23:23Yeah, I suppose so.
00:23:25I'll help you fill in your application form, if you like.
00:23:28Me?
00:23:30You can't expect Dale to go out sweeping the roads.
00:23:33Not at his age.
00:23:35I was talking about you.
00:23:37Me?
00:23:37Oh, come on.
00:23:38Can you honestly see Rodney pushing a broom around?
00:23:41It's all right.
00:23:41They give training.
00:23:44So, how much do you actually owe the taxman?
00:23:48£48,750.
00:23:51For what?
00:23:54£48,754.
00:23:55For?
00:23:56Plus interest.
00:23:57Oh, well.
00:23:59Never really liked this place, anyway.
00:24:02Look at what you've done now.
00:24:04You've upset her, haven't you?
00:24:06What, by adding four quid?
00:24:09No, it was dopey there, talking about interest.
00:24:12It's got her all worried.
00:24:13Oh, I don't want to talk to you anymore.
00:24:15Good.
00:24:15I'm going to have a shower.
00:24:16Yeah, well, don't use all the hot water.
00:24:21It's all right, sweetheart.
00:24:22Now, come on.
00:24:23We'll soon be back on our feet again.
00:24:25How?
00:24:26You owe nearly £49,000 plus interest.
00:24:30Yeah, it's not a very good start, I must admit.
00:24:33No, let me do that.
00:24:34Let me do that.
00:24:34Go on, you get some plates out.
00:24:37Anyway, it's going to be all right.
00:24:38I worked it all out.
00:24:39I'm a trader, ain't I?
00:24:40I've been trading all my life since I was 12.
00:24:42I could sell rice to the Chinese.
00:24:45Yeah, so I'm going to go back to trading.
00:24:47I'm going to work for a little local firm.
00:24:49Yeah?
00:24:50Like who?
00:24:50It's called Trotters Independent Traders.
00:24:53What are you talking about?
00:24:54The firm's been liquidised.
00:24:56Or liquidated, or whatever the stupid word is.
00:24:59No, no, no.
00:24:59The firm can go on trading.
00:25:01It's just that I've been disqualified from running it.
00:25:03That doesn't mean to say that I can't work for it.
00:25:06All we need is a new managing director.
00:25:09Oh, God, I actually got excited then.
00:25:11Derek, who is going to be stupid enough to take over Trotters Independent Traders?
00:25:21All right, Rodgers, there you go.
00:25:22Get it down your neck.
00:25:23Oh, excuse me.
00:25:24Well, I don't know what we're going to do, Rodney.
00:25:26No, me neither.
00:25:28I mean, here I am, disqualified from running me own company.
00:25:32If they take out a loan, the tax man will nick me.
00:25:35If I work in cash, the customs and excise will nick me.
00:25:38My credit rating is so low, I can't even pay with money.
00:25:44If only there was some way in which we could carry on trading.
00:25:49Yeah.
00:25:52No, it's no use you trying to cheer me up, Rodney.
00:25:56No, I'm afraid the company's finished.
00:25:57It's gone.
00:25:58Trotters Independent Traders is no more.
00:26:01It's kaput.
00:26:02It's dead.
00:26:04Dead as the emu.
00:26:09Well, that's not strictly true, is it?
00:26:11I mean, the company can still operate.
00:26:14It's just that I'm banned from running it.
00:26:17I know.
00:26:23If only there was someone out there, Rodney, who could take over the firm.
00:26:27Someone young and enthusiastic.
00:26:29Someone full of enthusiasm and ideas.
00:26:32Eh?
00:26:33I wonder who.
00:26:40Young and energetic, with ideas and enthusiasm.
00:26:47Hang on a minute.
00:26:48You've thought of someone, Rodney.
00:26:51Oh, no, he emigrated, didn't he?
00:26:56He emigrated, didn't he?
00:26:57He's so wobbly.
00:26:59Honestly, I don't believe him all the time.
00:27:03There might be one person, Del.
00:27:05Whom?
00:27:08Nay.
00:27:13You, how do you mean, Rodney?
00:27:15Look, look, right, you've been made bankrupt, right?
00:27:18And are therefore not allowed to run a company, right?
00:27:21I haven't.
00:27:24No, you've got me all confused, man.
00:27:27Let me explain in simple terms, right?
00:27:31Legally, there is nothing to stop me taking over Trotters Independent Traders.
00:27:37Let me see if I've got this right.
00:27:39What you're saying is that you could run the firm.
00:27:43Ah, George, I think he's got it.
00:27:45Well, that's a brilliant idea, Rodney.
00:27:47Argent, competent, as they say in gas.
00:27:50Yeah.
00:27:51Right, well, tell what we do.
00:27:52We go down and see our lawyer tomorrow,
00:27:53go straight round company's house,
00:27:54and make you the new managing director.
00:27:57Rodney Trotters.
00:27:58Hey, Raquel, guess what?
00:28:00Rodney has only come up with a brilliant idea to save the family.
00:28:03He's going to be the new managing director of Trotters Independent Traders.
00:28:06I'm going to be in charge of sales, purchasing and finance, that's all.
00:28:11Congratulations, Rodney.
00:28:12I was surprised you didn't think of that, Dale.
00:28:14Yeah, that's just what I was thinking.
00:28:16Ah!
00:28:19Damien, go open that keyhole.
00:28:25He's a lad, isn't he, eh?
00:28:30The world's full of surprises, isn't he?
00:28:32Look at that.
00:28:33Mickey Pierce has learnt to read.
00:28:36Trotters Independent Traders, now under new management,
00:28:41managing director, Rodney Trotter.
00:28:44You've seen this?
00:28:45Rodney Trotter's a managing director.
00:28:47Yeah, Cliff Richard's on 40 silk cut a day.
00:28:51No, no, it's true.
00:28:53Have a look.
00:28:55Consultancy and party planning.
00:28:57Yeah.
00:28:58Do you remember their last two?
00:28:59Depressing, wasn't it?
00:29:00That was Albert's funeral.
00:29:02No, I'm talking about Rodney's wedding.
00:29:06I'm going to give him a call.
00:29:08Wind him right up.
00:29:09Leave him alone, he's doing his best.
00:29:11Yeah, and they've just suffered a setback,
00:29:13losing all the money and Dale being made bankrupt.
00:29:15Yeah, don't you think it'll be a rather insensitive act
00:29:17on your partner again?
00:29:18Yeah, I suppose you're right.
00:29:20Yeah, I'll use my phone.
00:29:27Damien, we're going out in a minute
00:29:28to celebrate Daddy's new job with Uncle Rodney.
00:29:31Get yourself ready and go over to Wesley's flat.
00:29:33We'll come and collect you later.
00:29:35Yeah, yeah, don't force me, bitch.
00:29:36We're going as hungry.
00:29:38Wait, wait, wait.
00:29:40You don't stop listening to that gangster rat.
00:29:42I'm going to give you a rat right round your lago now.
00:29:44Go on, go and get yourself ready.
00:29:45Go on, off you go.
00:29:47Hi, honky.
00:29:48Rat boy.
00:29:48Honky, honky, honky, honky.
00:29:49Where are you getting out?
00:29:53You ready, Rodney?
00:29:54I'm waiting for Cassandra.
00:29:56It's just getting.
00:29:57Come on, hurry up, darling.
00:29:59Dressed.
00:30:05Very nice.
00:30:07I don't believe you did that.
00:30:09Bloody hell, we're not even going out with you.
00:30:11Why not?
00:30:12Because we're going out on our own.
00:30:14Cassandra suggested it.
00:30:16I think me becoming managing director has made a difference.
00:30:19What, they say that power is an aphrodisiac, don't they?
00:30:21Yeah, well, I must say, she's bubbling.
00:30:26Yeah, well, I'm taking her out to a club.
00:30:30See, first thing we did when we met was dance.
00:30:32So I thought, you know, it might rekindle those old memories.
00:30:35Now you want to take her out to dinner.
00:30:37There's a nice new place open down Jomo Kenyatta Grove.
00:30:42No, no, you don't understand, see, because dancing is the human form of the mating ritual, isn't it?
00:30:48Yeah, I know.
00:30:48That is if you are a good dancer.
00:30:52I'm a good dancer.
00:30:53You're not.
00:30:53You're not a good dancer.
00:30:55I saw you dancing in that disco in Monte Carlo.
00:30:58You look like Billy Elliot with worms.
00:31:03Mind you, if what I've seen in there is anything to go by, you're on a winner tonight.
00:31:08Look, will you stop talking about my wife and I need...
00:31:10Really?
00:31:15G-string is more like dental floss.
00:31:26Evening, Dill.
00:31:27Oh, hello, trick.
00:31:28I mean...
00:31:30Just go and jolly Raquel up.
00:31:31Raquel, will you hurry up?
00:31:32I'll have to have another shave in a minute.
00:31:37All right, Dave?
00:31:41Yes, I'm fine.
00:31:42Thank you, Trigger.
00:31:54So, um, what are you doing here, Trigger?
00:31:58Well, Doe said he'd give me a lift to the pub.
00:32:00Oh, all right.
00:32:03But you live closer to the pub than us.
00:32:07I know.
00:32:10In fact, you have to walk past the pub to get to this...
00:32:14Yeah, but Doe said he'd give me a lift.
00:32:19All right.
00:32:33You put a bit of music on, Doe.
00:32:38Yes.
00:32:40Mozart's Symphony No. 38 in D Major.
00:32:43I find it helps me unwind, you know.
00:32:45Eases my executive stress.
00:32:51Ain't there no words to this, Dave?
00:32:56No, it's no words, Trigger, no.
00:32:58Sort of instrumental.
00:33:01Now, Cal, I'm giving you two minutes.
00:33:03I'm going on my own.
00:33:05God, dear.
00:33:07What's this?
00:33:09It's Mozart's Symphony No. 38 in D Major.
00:33:15It's a karaoke version.
00:33:24Cassandra, answer that phone, will you please?
00:33:26Yes, sir.
00:33:26I'll organise your bloody appointment book for you in a minute.
00:33:29Trotters Independent Traders, how may I help you?
00:33:32That is one moody mare, that is, isn't it?
00:33:35Can you blame her?
00:33:36You're treating her like she's your personal secretary, and you've just had her butchers at her drawers.
00:33:40The only reason that I like Cassandra to answer the phone is because she's got a nice voice.
00:33:44Anyway, if you two weren't so proud, you and her could be living in her mum and dad's house.
00:33:49Oh, God, we've been through all this before.
00:33:51We're happy here.
00:33:54Well, we're here anyway.
00:33:56I'm running the firm now.
00:33:57Cassandra's applied for her old job back at the bank, so eventually...
00:34:01So eventually, we might have enough money to get our own place.
00:34:04I don't know who it is.
00:34:05Sounds foreign.
00:34:06Says he wants to speak to the boss.
00:34:08All right.
00:34:08Oi, oi, oi, excuse me.
00:34:10I'm the boss now.
00:34:11I'm sorry.
00:34:12I keep forgetting.
00:34:13Bloody hell, I knew it was lonely at the top.
00:34:15I didn't think it'd be this quick.
00:34:17I'll get you a beer, Trigg.
00:34:19Trotters Independent Traders, how may we help you?
00:34:22Good evening.
00:34:22I am wishing to speak with Managing Director.
00:34:25Yes, this is he.
00:34:27My name is Rodney Trotter.
00:34:28I'm the Managing Director.
00:34:30I am representative of Sultan of Brunei.
00:34:34Wow.
00:34:36You never guess he's on...
00:34:37You never guess he's on the phone.
00:34:39Does I need a Sultan of Brunei?
00:34:41Yeah, right.
00:34:42My name is Asif Hassan.
00:34:45Well, it's very nice to speak with you, sir.
00:34:48There you go, Trigg.
00:34:49Who are you talking to?
00:34:50The Sultan of Brunei.
00:34:51Oh, yeah, right.
00:34:52Hey, come on, you.
00:34:53And, um, how may I be of assistance, sir?
00:34:55You have advertisement in newspaper.
00:34:58And His Highness, he would like to talk with you.
00:35:01Yeah.
00:35:01You see my advert.
00:35:02Oh, yeah.
00:35:03Sultan of Brunei reads the peck-a-meck-a-go, does he?
00:35:07What a Moby.
00:35:11If you get me another brush, I can do your other hand for you.
00:35:14Go away.
00:35:16His Highness, he would like you to fly to Brunei and be his consultant.
00:35:22No problem.
00:35:23And, uh, what exactly would you like to consult with me about?
00:35:27Recently, His Highness bought a crappy old three-wheeled van.
00:35:31And he wants to know how to start it on cold mornings.
00:35:38Yeah, I had you going there, didn't I?
00:35:42No, I knew it was you all along.
00:35:44I was just winding you up.
00:35:48Don't shove it, will you?
00:35:49Just shove it.
00:35:51When the going gets tough, the tough get going.
00:35:53What's happened?
00:35:54Oh, Dave's just had a big row with the Sultan of Brunei.
00:35:57Yeah, right.
00:36:01Ahem.
00:36:09Is that the future?
00:36:17Yeah, the future.
00:36:24Cass, I'd like us to try for a baby.
00:36:27Rodney, some restaurants don't like that sort of thing.
00:36:31No, I think I'm in here, on the team.
00:36:33In the future.
00:36:35Soon.
00:36:36We weren't very successful at it last time, were we?
00:36:39It'll be different next time.
00:36:40Take it from me.
00:36:41I'll know about these things.
00:36:43And what about, you know, the way things are?
00:36:48Yeah, well, I'm glad you brought that up.
00:36:50Recently, I, uh, bought this magazine.
00:36:52I hate it when you buy those magazines.
00:36:55It's not that sort of magazine.
00:36:57You always end up making comparisons and that sort of thing.
00:36:59No, look, it is a man's magazine, but not that sort.
00:37:03It's serious.
00:37:04Well, there's a fellow writing in there who's an expert on marital problems.
00:37:08And he's developed this psychological healing process.
00:37:12I'd like us to try, Cass.
00:37:14You never know, do you?
00:37:16So, who is he?
00:37:18Well, he's American, West Coast.
00:37:19And he reckons that most couples' troubles stem from bygone days.
00:37:23You know, all them things in the past.
00:37:25Like the childish way you used to behave?
00:37:27Yeah, that's...
00:37:29That sort of thing, yeah.
00:37:31He calls that memory baggage.
00:37:34And how do we unload this memory baggage?
00:37:36We become different people.
00:37:38Different people?
00:37:40Yeah.
00:37:40I mean, we don't have to go to plastic surgeon or nothing.
00:37:42It's simply remembering to forget.
00:37:45To forget who you were and become reborn.
00:37:49This clinic's called fantasy therapy.
00:37:52Wait a minute.
00:37:53Does this involve dressing up?
00:37:54Of course not.
00:37:56It's all based on a theory known as iconoclastic auto-suggestion.
00:38:01Sorry?
00:38:02Well, it's the subconscious rejecting reality and something else.
00:38:09Basically, each person writes down their fantasy figure and then the other person, just for a little while, becomes that
00:38:16figure.
00:38:17And it doesn't involve dressing up?
00:38:18Absolutely not.
00:38:19No, it's all up here.
00:38:20You see, we suspend reality and then we create our own little make-believe world.
00:38:26What do you think, Cass?
00:38:28Are you at least willing to give it a try?
00:38:32All right, then.
00:38:34Yeah?
00:38:36Well, no, that's good.
00:38:38That's very healthy.
00:38:40It does involve dressing up, doesn't it?
00:38:42Yes.
00:38:44It's OK.
00:38:46Let's go for it.
00:38:49Good to me.
00:38:51Right.
00:38:51You know what I think.
00:38:53Right.
00:38:54You write down yours, OK?
00:38:57Then I'll write down my only.
00:39:13I never watch the bill.
00:39:14I've got some on tape.
00:39:16Um, you know, yeah, probably.
00:39:19Right.
00:39:20Your turn.
00:39:25I don't know you fancy, do you?
00:39:27Oh, yeah.
00:39:30A little bit.
00:39:32Bloody hell, Cass.
00:39:33How am I supposed to be in?
00:39:35Dunno.
00:39:36I don't care.
00:39:37Rodney, to hell with putting clothes on.
00:39:39Let's go home and take some off.
00:39:42Yeah.
00:39:43Yeah, right.
00:39:45Bill, please.
00:39:48Hurry it up.
00:40:03I thought you two would be in bed.
00:40:04Uh, yeah.
00:40:05We're just going.
00:40:06Good night.
00:40:06Oh, good night.
00:40:07Hey, you never guessed who fell for you earlier.
00:40:09Richard Branston.
00:40:12No, of course he wasn't.
00:40:14I'm not going to kill that ruddy Mickey Pierce.
00:40:15Oh, yeah, well, see you then.
00:40:18Yeah, see you.
00:40:18I couldn't sleep.
00:40:20No?
00:40:20No.
00:40:21Oh, well, night-night.
00:40:22Night-night.
00:40:23I was lying in bed there, you know.
00:40:25I was thinking about all the family, you know, about Mum and Uncle Albert.
00:40:31Yeah, well.
00:40:33Night then.
00:40:42Look at that old bed, you know.
00:40:45If that bed could speak, it can half tell some tales, couldn't it?
00:40:50Yeah.
00:40:51Old Grandad had his first fit in that bed.
00:40:56Of course, then there was Uncle Albert.
00:40:58Uncle Albert slept in that for years, didn't he?
00:41:00Do you remember him there, snoring, tossing and turning and, you know, scratching his
00:41:06old beard?
00:41:10You got a lot of history in that bed.
00:41:12Yeah.
00:41:12Anyway, good night.
00:41:17Well, try and imagine what it's like.
00:41:18We're lying there in bed and all we can hear is you watching the telly.
00:41:22I mean, it's not just you.
00:41:23It's Raquel and Damien and all these friends and Trigger and anyone else who comes into the
00:41:29flat any time of the day or night.
00:41:31Your flat's overcrowded, Dale.
00:41:33That flat's always been overcrowded.
00:41:36I mentioned it to the council once and they said it was designed to be overcrowded.
00:41:41Cassie and I can't help thinking that if we can hear you, you can hear us.
00:41:47No, I never heard a sound from your room.
00:41:50Exactly.
00:41:52While we're at it, this ain't gonna solve anything.
00:41:55I know, I know.
00:41:57I just get so wound up sometimes.
00:42:00It's water.
00:42:03No, there.
00:42:04That's what I'm saying.
00:42:04You should have a proper drink.
00:42:08Years ago, I may have given in to that sort of temptation, but not now.
00:42:12I'm a different bloke now.
00:42:13Much stronger.
00:42:14Got much more.
00:42:16Gone in a small one.
00:42:17Good boy.
00:42:18You know, it makes sense.
00:42:19Oi, darling.
00:42:20Let's have a couple of scotches, please.
00:42:24So, uh, you know, how can I help?
00:42:26Go out, all of you.
00:42:28Just leave me and Cass on our own for once.
00:42:31Rodney, this must be your lucky day.
00:42:34I wasn't gonna say nothing, and I'm not yet, because it's, well, it's been a secret.
00:42:38But I'm taking Damien and Raquel out next Thursday.
00:42:44Really?
00:42:45That means you'll have the whole evening to yourself.
00:42:49Cheers, Dale.
00:42:50You are a diamond.
00:42:53At least give us a clue.
00:42:55Well, all I say is, this is a night that you will never forget.
00:42:59Other than that, I'm not saying anything.
00:43:00Just sit back in comfort and enjoy the evening.
00:43:04Oh, yeah.
00:43:05What did Monkey Harris say?
00:43:06How do you mean?
00:43:07What do you mean, how do you mean?
00:43:08I asked you to phone Monkey, didn't I, and say yes.
00:43:11Oh, I forgot, Dale.
00:43:13Oh, I'm sorry.
00:43:14What, we're getting ready?
00:43:15Was it important?
00:43:16Was it important?
00:43:17Just hang about a minute, driver.
00:43:18Of course it was important.
00:43:20He's had a consignment of those electronic personal organisers come in,
00:43:23and they're selling like crazy.
00:43:25He's got another 200, and I want to put my name on them before tomorrow,
00:43:29because they'll all be gone.
00:43:30Oh, Raquel, you really let me down on this one.
00:43:37You dishman woman, you kind of simple thing.
00:43:52Oh, God.
00:43:55Oh, God.
00:44:22Okay, she don't go hang up.
00:44:26We're being raided.
00:44:55We're being raided.
00:44:55We're being raided.
00:44:57We're being raided.
00:45:26We're being raided.
00:45:56You said you were going out.
00:45:57No, I went out.
00:45:58What are you doing here then?
00:45:59I've come back.
00:46:02Why are you dressed like that?
00:46:04Like what?
00:46:08Like a couple of wallies.
00:46:11What, like this?
00:46:14Don't be naive, Derek.
00:46:16Can you believe him?
00:46:17Isn't it obvious?
00:46:19Isn't it obvious?
00:46:19Well, it may be to some people, darling, but I'm not from the planet Dippy.
00:46:24Eric, Cassandra and I were simply...
00:46:28We're going to a fancy dress party.
00:46:29Yes.
00:46:30Oh, I see.
00:46:31Right.
00:46:32Who are you supposed to be?
00:46:33That one from the bill.
00:46:34Who?
00:46:35Who?
00:46:35Reg Hollis?
00:46:38What's her name?
00:46:39I don't know.
00:46:40Well, whoever you are supposed to be, darling, you look very, very nice.
00:46:45You know.
00:46:46A little bit scary.
00:46:47But very nice.
00:46:50And, um...
00:46:56And you, brothers?
00:46:57What about you?
00:46:58What about me?
00:46:59Who are you supposed to be?
00:47:02Russell Crowe.
00:47:07Russell Crowe.
00:47:11Russell Crowe.
00:47:13Russell Crowe?
00:47:14You look more like Spartacus with piles.
00:47:18Look, it's a simple fancy dress party.
00:47:21That's all.
00:47:21Oh.
00:47:22A bit early for a fancy dress party, isn't it?
00:47:24You know, not past five.
00:47:25Um, yeah.
00:47:25Well, yeah.
00:47:26It is a bit early, yeah.
00:47:27That's because it's, um...
00:47:28Well, it's an early fancy dress party.
00:47:30What happened?
00:47:30My ex-boss at the bank invited us.
00:47:33He can't have late parties.
00:47:35People have to be up for work early in the morning.
00:47:37Oh, right, yeah.
00:47:38Well, a bit of a choker, innit, bruv?
00:47:40You were hoping for a bit of fun and games tonight.
00:47:43Yeah, of course.
00:47:44Never mind.
00:47:45No.
00:47:46Bad luck, Rob.
00:47:48Go on, then.
00:47:52Go on, then, what?
00:47:53Go on.
00:47:53Off you go.
00:47:54I'll lock up.
00:47:55Um...
00:47:55Well, no, no, no.
00:47:56It's all right.
00:47:56We're in no hurry.
00:48:00Cassandra wants her old job back at the bank.
00:48:03What's it gonna look like if she turns up late for a boss's party?
00:48:06I mean, that won't go down very well, will it?
00:48:08Come on, you've gotta go and make a big impression.
00:48:11Here on, look.
00:48:11You can borrow the old Capri.
00:48:14Hi.
00:48:15Thanks, Del.
00:48:16Come on, come on.
00:48:16No, no, come on, come on.
00:48:17You're family.
00:48:18Go on, you two.
00:48:19Go off and have some fun.
00:48:29Oh.
00:48:30Just a second, Rodney.
00:48:32Here you go.
00:48:34Don't want you to get rusty.
00:48:41Come on, monkey.
00:48:43You've gotta be way by six.
00:48:44Hurry up.
00:48:46What in God's name are we going to do?
00:48:50I mean, people might see us.
00:48:52Well, there's nothing strange in a police woman walking on the estate.
00:48:55And what about me?
00:48:56I look like Ben-Hurring a Mac.
00:48:59Well, I'd just say I've arrested you.
00:49:00For what?
00:49:01There must be a law against going around dressed like that.
00:49:06Oh, no.
00:49:09Hurry up.
00:49:10Dad, a driver's got another job to go to.
00:49:15Pervert.
00:49:17There.
00:49:19There.
00:49:21There.
00:49:22There.
00:49:23Oh.
00:49:25You just did.
00:49:26Leah.
00:49:26Oh, thank God.
00:49:27I thought you'd gone.
00:49:28Now, listen.
00:49:29I know that you want to go to this fancy dress party.
00:49:31I just remembered something.
00:49:32Look.
00:49:32I don't want to spoil your fun, but I was just wondering.
00:49:35Would you mind if you didn't go?
00:49:37No.
00:49:38No trouble at all.
00:49:38Anything.
00:49:39Oh, right.
00:49:41Oh.
00:49:42Listen.
00:49:43The thing is, Rodney, I'm expecting a very, very important phone call tonight.
00:49:46I want you to answer it.
00:49:48You're not going out this evening, are you?
00:49:50Absolutely not.
00:49:51No.
00:49:51Don't worry.
00:49:51We'll go to the bank's next party, won't we?
00:49:53Good.
00:49:54Good for you.
00:49:55Bravia.
00:49:55Forty-two.
00:49:56Forty-two.
00:49:57I'll be back about midnight.
00:49:58Oh, and Russell Crowe.
00:50:01Yeah.
00:50:03All right, Daffy Duck.
00:50:24Welcome to another edition of The Creep Show that is taking the country by storm.
00:50:29Not this country, but we're big in Bosnia and we're massive in Macedonia.
00:50:35This is the show where you can win anything from one pound to one hundred thousand pounds.
00:50:39This is the fastest game show on TV.
00:50:41This is Thursday.
00:50:42This is live.
00:50:42This is Jonathan Ross.
00:50:43And this is Gold Rush.
00:50:47What?
00:50:49Oh, gosh.
00:50:51Let's start, as always, by meeting our three lucky contestants.
00:50:55Now, first up, we have Mike Wallace from Merseyside.
00:50:57Mike is a financial advisor, married with two horses, and his pastimes include golf, wheel
00:51:03ale, and dressage.
00:51:04I think I've seen dressage on the Olympics, Mike.
00:51:06It's like rodeo on Prozac, isn't it?
00:51:08That's Mike Wallace, ladies and gentlemen.
00:51:12Next up, we have Janice Scott from Newquay.
00:51:15Janice is married to Ian and has a three-year-old daughter named Meryl.
00:51:19Her hobbies are rock climbing and amateur opera.
00:51:21Wow, and she's only three, Janice.
00:51:23That's really impressive.
00:51:24Come on, this is class.
00:51:28And finally, we have Derek Trotter from Peckham.
00:51:32Derek is a businessman who lives with Raquel, his significant other.
00:51:38He has an 11-year-old son named Damien, and his pastimes include fine wines, the theatre,
00:51:44and 16th century Italian Renaissance art.
00:51:49Here are our contestants, ladies and gentlemen.
00:51:56As always, we start with the time round.
00:51:59So let's see, who's got the fastest finger?
00:52:03Rodney.
00:52:06Whose famous diary recorded the plague and the great fire of London?
00:52:11Mrs. Dales.
00:52:16Nice try, Del, but I'm afraid that's not right.
00:52:19Your foes are now at the back of the queue.
00:52:21Janice.
00:52:22Is it Bridget Jones, Jonathan?
00:52:26You're getting so close, Janice, but...
00:52:29You go to the back.
00:52:29Del, you move up one place.
00:52:31Mike, get this right, and you'll be the first challenger on the Rainbow Road.
00:52:34And what's at the end of the Rainbow?
00:52:36Royal Road!
00:52:41You know what, Jonathan?
00:52:43It's Adrian Mole.
00:52:47Oh, bad luck, Mike.
00:52:49It was Samuel Pepys.
00:52:50You go to the back of the queue now.
00:52:52Everyone else moves forward one place,
00:52:53which means that Derek is going to be the first challenger on the Rainbow Road.
00:52:57Del, come and join me in the middle.
00:53:04Now, first things first, Del.
00:53:05Here's your pound.
00:53:07Whatever else happens, that's yours, and welcome to the BBC.
00:53:11Just make sure it ain't no Irish, eh?
00:53:13Now, the rules are simple, which I think is probably just as well.
00:53:16You'll be given a series of questions,
00:53:18each one having a multiple choice of three possible answers.
00:53:21With each correct answer that you give,
00:53:23you move to another colour of the rainbow,
00:53:25and the prize money increases right the way up to the gold question,
00:53:28which is worth £100,000.
00:53:32Lovely jubbly.
00:53:34But you also have a number of options to help you on your way, okay?
00:53:37You have a shot in the dark,
00:53:39you have an SOS,
00:53:40or you can drop one.
00:53:43Come on, this is class!
00:53:46Where do we get them?
00:53:47But we're warned,
00:53:48Janice and Mike can play their aces at any time, Derek,
00:53:51and challenge you.
00:53:51So, if you're ready, let's play...
00:53:54Gold Rush!
00:54:02You have 20 seconds left.
00:54:04Which is the highest mountain in Africa?
00:54:06Kilimanjaro or Fuji?
00:54:08It's Kilimanjaro.
00:54:10Any idiot knows that.
00:54:11Well, I didn't.
00:54:14Anybody coming back from Ibiza with a duty-free brain cell knows it's Kilimanjaro.
00:54:19But this is Derek Trotter.
00:54:22I'm gonna go with...
00:54:25Kilimanjaro.
00:54:26Derek, that's the right answer!
00:54:33No, I thought it was, Jonathan, because I know that Fuji make cameras, don't they?
00:54:39Now, let's move up to the next colour and take a look at the £2,000 question.
00:54:43What?
00:54:44Del, you're doing really well.
00:54:46Now, Janice has just challenged you, she got it wrong, and she has doubled your money to £10,000.
00:54:55The next question, the green question, is worth £25,000.
00:54:59You've still got, of course, your shot in the dark and SOS.
00:55:02Let's look at the question.
00:55:03Here it is.
00:55:03In which state was President Kennedy when he was assassinated in 1963?
00:55:08Well, he was in a terrible state.
00:55:09He died.
00:55:15Just a little bit too quick there, please let me give you the three possible answers.
00:55:18Was it Texas?
00:55:19Was it Florida?
00:55:20Or was it California?
00:55:25Oh, no.
00:55:25Sorry, Jonathan, no.
00:55:27I'm gonna have to use my shot in the dark on this one.
00:55:30Okay.
00:55:31I'll go for, um...
00:55:35Florida.
00:55:36No!
00:55:38No.
00:55:40I'm afraid Florida is wrong.
00:55:41It was Texas, but you played your shot in the dark, which means that you lose the money and you're
00:55:46frozen out of the game.
00:55:48Okay, here's the penalty question.
00:55:49How many wheels does a Reliant Robin have?
00:55:59This question is worth £50,000.
00:56:02Derek is correct.
00:56:03These lights will turn to gold, and he'll be answering the £100,000 question.
00:56:07So if you're ready, for £50,000, here it is.
00:56:09Which classical guitarist wrote the opera, The Child and the Enchantment?
00:56:14Was it Ravel, Segovia, or Rodrigo?
00:56:19I think I know this one, Jonathan.
00:56:21I think it's, er...
00:56:24Ravel?
00:56:26Or, I keep thinking, you know, it could be...
00:56:31Could it be...
00:56:34Then again, it might be...
00:56:38Rodrigo?
00:56:39Well, Derek, you're right, it's definitely one of those things.
00:56:43Well, in that case, Jonathan, I'm gonna have to use me old SOS, aren't I?
00:56:47Yeah, I think that's probably wise.
00:56:48Who would you like to be your saviour tonight, Derek?
00:56:50Er, my brother, Rodney.
00:56:51Okay, and where is Rodney, right there?
00:56:53Er, he's at home in a flat, you know, taking care of a bit of business.
00:56:55Okay.
00:56:56Oh!
00:56:58No, no, no!
00:57:02But Del said he was expecting a very important call.
00:57:05Oh, bloody hell!
00:57:11Hello.
00:57:13Hello, is that Rodney?
00:57:14Yes.
00:57:15Rodney, this is Jonathan Ross at the Gold Rush studio.
00:57:18Oh, piss off, Mickey, you're getting all my tips in here.
00:57:28Mickey Pearce pretending to be Jonathan Ross.
00:57:31Rodney, hello, it's Jonathan Ross, we need to help.
00:57:33Rodney!
00:57:36Rodney, no, it is Jonathan Ross.
00:57:39Oh, my God.
00:57:43Hi, Jonathan, how are you?
00:57:45I'm, I'm just fine.
00:57:46I've got Derek here, and he's on £25,000.
00:57:50You're not kidding.
00:57:51No, I'm deadly serious.
00:57:52But he's got a problem with the £50,000 question,
00:57:55and he has chosen you as his saviour.
00:57:57So listen carefully.
00:57:58You'll have 20 seconds to answer.
00:58:01Now listen, Rodney.
00:58:02Hold on, hold on.
00:58:03What's in this for me?
00:58:06I'll make sure you get a drink.
00:58:11Which, which classical guitarist wrote the opera
00:58:14The Child Ending Enchantment?
00:58:16Was it Ravel, Sergovia, or Rodrigo?
00:58:22Ravel.
00:58:24How sure are you?
00:58:26100%, Derek.
00:58:27Good boy, Rodders.
00:58:30Take it away, Del.
00:58:31Ravel.
00:58:32I know my classics.
00:58:34Um.
00:58:35Yeah.
00:58:36I'll go with that.
00:58:37It's Ravel.
00:58:38John, okay.
00:58:38You know, Derek, you don't have to take his answer.
00:58:40You know that, don't you?
00:58:41No, no, no, no, no.
00:58:42But he knows what he's talking about.
00:58:44It's Ravel.
00:58:45So you don't want to change your mind?
00:58:46No.
00:58:47Derek.
00:58:48That was the wrong answer.
00:58:57It was Sergovia.
00:58:59Oh, no.
00:59:01No.
00:59:01Rodney said it was Ravel.
00:59:03Yeah, I know he did, but he was wrong.
00:59:04Bad luck, Del.
00:59:05Sorry.
00:59:06He's got two GCEs.
00:59:10Derek, you've used up all your options.
00:59:12You've lost all your money.
00:59:14I'm afraid you're frozen out of the game.
00:59:16Janice, join me on the Rainbow Road.
00:59:21Hi there.
00:59:21Hello, welcome.
00:59:22We've got questions now.
00:59:23Here's your panel.
00:59:24If no-one goes home to Spain, thank you, Randy.
00:59:26I'll get straight on with the first question.
00:59:28Chief.
00:59:32I was certain...
00:59:33I was so certain it was Ravel.
00:59:36Rodney, you did your best.
00:59:37Yeah, yeah, I did, didn't I?
00:59:39And Del was okay, wasn't he?
00:59:41Yeah.
00:59:42Until he kicked the podium over.
00:59:44No, no, I think that was just an accident.
00:59:47No.
00:59:47He kicked it.
00:59:48It fell over.
00:59:49Jonathan Ross had to pick it up.
00:59:57All right?
00:59:59Yeah.
00:59:59You?
01:00:01Where's Del?
01:00:01No.
01:00:02I haven't a clue, Rodney.
01:00:03At the end of the show, he disappeared.
01:00:05He just went off into the night and abandoned his child and his wife.
01:00:09His significant other.
01:00:11In an area of London we've never been in before.
01:00:13Oh, thank Christ.
01:00:15Thankfully, the studio paid for a cab home.
01:00:19I'm gonna make a coffee.
01:00:20Raquel.
01:00:21Don't.
01:00:22We're friends.
01:00:24God.
01:00:26I don't know why my dad didn't use Trigger as his SOS.
01:00:28Because Trigger wouldn't have had a clue.
01:00:30Oh, yeah, and he was spot on, weren't he?
01:00:40What the hell happened to you?
01:00:43I went out.
01:00:45Oh, good.
01:00:46Long as I know.
01:00:54What?
01:00:56How's your evening been, Rodney?
01:00:59Not very good, to be honest.
01:01:01No?
01:01:02Well, bloody snap!
01:01:04Oh, my goodness.
01:01:05Hell, I'm sorry.
01:01:07I could have sworn it was Ravel, and so could Cassandra, couldn't you?
01:01:10Yes, I could.
01:01:11Well, you're both a pair of dipsticks then, aren't you?
01:01:13Hey, you, you, you, you, you.
01:01:15You're never gonna borrow my Capri ever again, you.
01:01:17Oh, right, with that bone marrow.
01:01:18Right, you forget it.
01:01:23I mean, to say, I mean, everyone knows that Ravel makes shoes.
01:01:31What?
01:01:33Shoes?
01:01:33Shoes!
01:01:34It was a trick question, and you fell for it!
01:01:37Oh, right.
01:01:38Yes.
01:01:39Sorry.
01:01:41Still, at least you won a pound.
01:01:43A pound?
01:01:44Yeah, that wasn't even enough of a bust for her own, was it, eh?
01:01:47Anyway, I went out to some clubs after this show to drown my sorrows,
01:01:51and I was in this one particular club, and I was talking to this lap.
01:01:56Lap, lap, lap, laptop salesman.
01:02:00And, er, even he said it wasn't Ravel.
01:02:03Would you like a drink, darling?
01:02:04No.
01:02:04Okay, fine.
01:02:06There you are.
01:02:06See, now you've done, you're upset.
01:02:08You just...
01:02:08Don't you do...
01:02:09You stay here, and...
01:02:11Thank God.
01:02:15You know, for the rest of my life, getting that question wrong in front of my family,
01:02:20my friends, well, the entire British nation,
01:02:23is going to be the most embarrassing thing that has ever happened to me.
01:02:27Russell Crowe?
01:02:28Yeah!
01:02:32Or maybe not.
01:02:37Hello?
01:02:39Yes?
01:02:41Can I ask who's calling, please?
01:02:44Bill.
01:02:45It's the producer of Gold Rush.
01:02:47He wants to talk to you.
01:02:48Oh, no, what's he want?
01:02:49I bet it's about that podium.
01:02:51I bet someone's damaged it now, haven't they?
01:02:53All right, I'll speak to him.
01:02:56Hello?
01:02:57Yes, this is, er, Derek Trotter.
01:03:00What?
01:03:02No.
01:03:03No!
01:03:05He said there's been a mistake.
01:03:07It was Ravel.
01:03:09No.
01:03:09I knew I was right.
01:03:11Yeah, he said I could take the £50,000 and go back on the show.
01:03:15Yes!
01:03:17Oh, have a day off, will ya, you lot?
01:03:23Who do you think this is?
01:03:25Eh?
01:03:25Look, you can hear the jukebox in the pub.
01:03:28Bloody Nicky Pit.
01:03:29I'm gonna murder you.
01:03:29No, no, no, get in the back of Nicky Pit.
01:03:31Don't worry.
01:03:32Yeah, I'll tell you what we would like you to do.
01:03:35Give all the money to charity.
01:03:38Yeah?
01:03:38And if you phone here once again, I'm gonna come down there and kick your arse into Shreddy Duck.
01:03:43Goodbye.
01:03:45See?
01:03:46That's it.
01:03:48Jonathan?
01:03:49What?
01:03:49He said give the £50,000 to charity.
01:03:53What a nice guy.
01:03:58Who do you people think we are, eh?
01:04:00We're the Trotters and we're back.
01:04:03Yes!