- 2 days ago
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00:00:05Dill, if you've got a minute, would you run a lever over my mini?
00:00:11Marlene, I'm not a car cleaner.
00:00:14I merely agreed to do a bit of part-time driving for Boise, that is all.
00:00:19Sorry, darling, I forgot.
00:00:21You're just doing it to earn a bit of money.
00:00:23No, no, no, no, this is a hobby of mine.
00:00:26You know, I love driving you and Boise to weddings and what have you,
00:00:29hanging around and picking you up at midnight.
00:00:32Yes, Marlene, I am doing it purely to earn a few quid.
00:00:35It's no secret that I've got a few problems on the old financial front.
00:00:39I suppose being made bankrupt doesn't help, does it?
00:00:44Do you know, I never thought of that.
00:00:47Marlene, will you finish doing your make-up?
00:00:50Your face should be ready for the second coat now.
00:00:52Will you keep your noise down, Boise?
00:00:55Do you want the neighbours to think we're vulgar?
00:00:58Well, coffee?
00:01:00Oh, yeah, thanks very much. Cheers, boys.
00:01:02Uh, no, I mean, go round to the kitchen and make me a cup.
00:01:07Here, boys, you know this car's a GTI.
00:01:10If you rearrange the letters, you've got yourself a personalised number card.
00:01:16Two figures in mine.
00:01:25Good afternoon.
00:01:27Oh, afternoon.
00:01:29Have Mr and Mrs Boyce moved?
00:01:32Um, no.
00:01:34No, they're in prison.
00:01:36Yeah, I'm just searching the house, you know.
00:01:39I'm from the drug squad.
00:01:43They will be out on parole shortly, so, uh, what's your step?
00:01:48Thank you, officer.
00:01:50Not at all, Mum.
00:01:54Two sugars.
00:01:57I mean, I shouldn't be going to this wedding in my condition.
00:02:00I can't even smell my own aftershave.
00:02:03Mind you, I can't smell Dells either, so that's a plus.
00:02:05You keep your big mouth shut at this wedding.
00:02:08I don't want you being sarcastic to my family.
00:02:10Well, that's going to limit the conversation, then, isn't it?
00:02:13I mean, they make Grant Mitchell look intelligent.
00:02:16I'm fed up with having to defend you.
00:02:18The times I've said to him, yes, he's ugly, but he's successful.
00:02:23And you've been nice to my mum.
00:02:25It's taken me five years to convince her you're not a vampire.
00:02:31All right.
00:02:32Looking forward to the wedding, then.
00:02:34You look lovely, darling.
00:02:37Whoa.
00:02:38Wait.
00:02:39Wait.
00:02:41Can I, uh, tell you about my new business, Dells?
00:02:45Well, you did mention it.
00:02:47Two or three dozen times.
00:02:49Yeah, five or six weeks from now,
00:02:50and Boyce will be flying off to Paris to sign the contract.
00:02:54He's going to be a multi-millionaire.
00:02:56Oh, please don't.
00:02:58I'm going to wet myself in a minute.
00:03:00No, we don't know whether to buy a new house
00:03:02or have this one renovated.
00:03:04Marlene, have some sensitivity.
00:03:07Don't talk about millions of pounds
00:03:08and big houses in front of Dell.
00:03:11It'll make him feel nostalgic.
00:03:13It must be horrible for you and Raquel
00:03:15having all that money and then losing it.
00:03:17Good always comes out of bad, Boycey.
00:03:21As Raquel says,
00:03:23it's made her appreciate the little things of life.
00:03:27Marlene knows all about that.
00:03:29She had no choice.
00:03:35When the contract's signed, Dell,
00:03:37I'd like us two to get together for a little chat.
00:03:40I want to know what you did when you became a millionaire.
00:03:43Make sure I don't make the same mistakes.
00:03:45ha ha ha ha ha!
00:03:51Marlene!
00:03:52Where's my hair gel?
00:03:54Wherever you left it!
00:03:56Oh!
00:03:57Oh!
00:04:47Hey, Uncle Rodders.
00:04:50What was my dad like as a teenager?
00:04:53Horrible.
00:04:57Baya kasha!
00:05:02Uncle Rodders?
00:05:03Hmm?
00:05:05What sort of teenager do you think I'll be?
00:05:07Horrible.
00:05:09Yes!
00:05:10Oh, Mum, Uncle Rodders says I'll be horrible when I'm all grown up.
00:05:14Oh, did he?
00:05:15No, well, you know, what I meant was all teenagers are horrible, aren't they?
00:05:18They go through that Kevin and Perry period.
00:05:20Yeah, I suppose they are a bit annoying.
00:05:22But when you reach 21, a man leaves those days behind him and develops into a sensible, normal human being.
00:05:28Yeah.
00:05:28Anyway, so I squeeze this tube of onion puree into his hair gel.
00:05:35So, Boise goes to the wedding smelling like a Big Mac.
00:05:41Well, that's the theory, anyway.
00:05:44So, what's happening?
00:05:45Anything on the go?
00:05:46What's that about?
00:05:48It's all right.
00:05:48Just a bit of business.
00:05:49Nothing for you to worry about, right?
00:05:50Nothing for me to...
00:05:51Derek, may I remind you that I am the managing director of Trotter's Independent Traders now.
00:05:56Cool!
00:05:57He's better than the bean, Owen.
00:06:00Hang about, hang about.
00:06:01Hang on, will you?
00:06:02Look, you were declared bankrupt.
00:06:03You have been banned from running any company, from sitting on any board, or from dealing in any shares.
00:06:08They don't even want you riding past the stock exchange on a bike.
00:06:12And you owe the inland revenue over £50,000.
00:06:16Yeah, well, all right.
00:06:16Who's the one that's out there earning money, driving for Boise, eh?
00:06:19Well, you sit on your IQ, you know, all day!
00:06:21Excuse me!
00:06:22Hang on a minute!
00:06:22You too!
00:06:23I'm trying to eat!
00:06:24Yeah, all right, all right.
00:06:25I'll take this conference call into the boardroom.
00:06:28Oh, all right.
00:06:30Yeah, sorry about that, pal.
00:06:31What did you say?
00:06:32No, it was just Rodney, you know, he was reminding me who was in charge of the firm.
00:06:36What?
00:06:36Oh, yeah.
00:06:39Look, I'm sorry to spoil your appetite, Raquel, but we can't hide from this thing.
00:06:45If we don't come up with that money in a few months' time, then the inland revenue are
00:06:48going to sell this flat to the highest bidder, and we're all going to be up...
00:06:51I don't know where we're going to be, and I've got added responsibilities now.
00:06:55I know, but Dale will think of something.
00:06:58Is that supposed to encourage me?
00:07:00It was Dale thinking of something that got us in this mess.
00:07:03The judge blamed both of you.
00:07:05He said you were like two modern-day Neros playing at business while your empire burnt.
00:07:09We may have been two Neros, Raquel, but only one was fiddling.
00:07:15Yeah, yeah, kushty, kushty monkey.
00:07:18Yeah, all right, monkey.
00:07:19All right, well, we'll see you, monkey.
00:07:21All right, bonjour, monkey.
00:07:22That was monkey.
00:07:25Anyway, he's only had a consignment of log-effect gas fires coming from Slovakia.
00:07:31Derek, I am running the firm now, and I don't want a load of Slovakian log-effect gas fires.
00:07:35Yeah, I know, that's what I told him.
00:07:37Oh.
00:07:38Good.
00:07:39How do you know I didn't want him?
00:07:41Well, because we know what each other's thinking, don't we?
00:07:44You know, we've always been a bit telescopic.
00:07:47Anyway, these gas fires, they're selling like hot cakes.
00:07:50Paddy the Greek, he bought 150 of them, right, and sold them to that builder who's renovating the Bob Marley
00:07:55estate.
00:07:56Got 50 quid a pop for him.
00:07:5750 pound a piece?
00:07:58Yeah.
00:07:59And then there's that Lenny Corby, you know, the gas theatre?
00:08:01No.
00:08:01He's putting one in each room and this big house that he's doing up.
00:08:05I thought, well, easy money.
00:08:06Then I thought to myself, you know, there's business, right, and then there's what Rodney's doing.
00:08:13And what are we into now?
00:08:14We're into party planning.
00:08:16Yes, and that sort of thing is big.
00:08:19Yeah, that's right, up in Sloan Square, where they like a roasted pepper and a bucket of couscous.
00:08:24But this is Peckham, where they like, you know, a kebab and a tattoo.
00:08:28It seems that they are very, very fond of log effect gas fires.
00:08:32Yeah, well, given it some consideration and I am interested in them now.
00:08:36Oh, good, because I told him we'd have 20.
00:08:41Oi!
00:08:42Oi, oi, oi, oi, oi, will you stop that?
00:08:44Oh, look, that is your uncle's urn, that is.
00:08:50Oi, oi, oi, what are you doing up?
00:08:52It's daytime, I always get up, it's sort of a tradition.
00:08:54Yes, I know, but you're pregnant now and you're supposed to rest.
00:08:58Now, where were you going?
00:08:59To the kitchen, to get some juice.
00:09:00I'll get you the juice.
00:09:01Oh, I can get the juice myself.
00:09:03I'll get the juice.
00:09:04No, I'm good at getting the juice.
00:09:05That's a cold take, I'll get the juice.
00:09:07Damien, Damien, go and get the juice.
00:09:11You've got to calm down, Rodney.
00:09:13There's a long way to go and at this rate you'll be a nervous wreck by the time the baby's
00:09:16born.
00:09:16You've got to be very strong, both physically and mentally, before the baby arrives.
00:09:20I remember the night that Damien was born.
00:09:25I admit it was a wonderful, wonderful moment.
00:09:28But it was very, very traumatic and very, very stressful.
00:09:33And it wasn't a walk in the park for you, Raquel, was it, either?
00:09:38No, it wasn't.
00:09:40I'll go and get some more tea.
00:09:41And I'm going to get some cereal.
00:09:43Well, I can get...
00:09:43Me, not you, not anyone else, just me.
00:09:46All right, all right.
00:09:48Just be careful.
00:09:49Oh, my God.
00:09:51Oh, Rodney, come on, sit down.
00:09:53Damien like a Moby.
00:09:54I've been waiting a long time for this baby.
00:09:56I don't want anything to go wrong.
00:09:59No, no, it's fair enough, fair enough.
00:10:01Tell me something.
00:10:02There's one thing I still don't understand.
00:10:05A year ago, you and Cassandra were really trying for this baby, weren't you?
00:10:10I mean, you was at it like a pair of goats.
00:10:13I remember that you became so pale, you had to have your passport photo redone.
00:10:19Derek, will you stop discussing my private life in front of Damien?
00:10:22Yes, yes, yes, all right, all right, sorry.
00:10:24Anyway, when nothing happened, she sent you up to Harley Street, eh?
00:10:28To have a little test on all your old, you know, on your...
00:10:30Yeah, I know.
00:10:32Because I remember going around to your flat, you know.
00:10:35I couldn't get a bottle of milk in the fridge for specimens.
00:10:40And I remember what you said to me.
00:10:42You said if it hadn't been for the magazines, you would have packed it in.
00:10:48Look, we simply weren't very successful to begin with, and they thought that I might have a low count.
00:10:53Yes, I know, but you were back and forth there for ages.
00:10:55Shame they didn't give air miles.
00:10:58And a low count, call blimey, you was on the calculator.
00:11:00Trigger.
00:11:02I can't believe you.
00:11:04And then you announced that you've changed your mind about having a chavi.
00:11:07And then you go late night shopping at Family Planning.
00:11:10Cassandra and I discussed it.
00:11:12And our initial reaction was, quite naturally,
00:11:14to hold back until the financial climate was more conducive to starting a family, right?
00:11:19Then, we had a change of heart.
00:11:22Yeah, well, I understand that.
00:11:23But in a minute, you're going to have the bailiffs, aren't you? As godparents.
00:11:27We decided to try for this baby as a token, Del.
00:11:31As a token of our belief in our marriage.
00:11:33Of Trotter's independent traders.
00:11:35Of the future of Britain.
00:11:36But most importantly of all,
00:11:38as a token of our belief in this family.
00:11:43Britney.
00:11:45If your dear mother could hear you now, she'd be so proud of you.
00:11:49That's just how we feel.
00:11:50Good boy.
00:11:51Good boy.
00:11:54Here, I know how you get babies.
00:11:56I bet you do.
00:11:57It must have been horrible.
00:12:00It's all right.
00:12:02He's a lad, isn't he?
00:12:03I'll just go in there and kick his teeth down his throat.
00:12:10You know, that kid does my head in.
00:12:12And I bet it was him who nicked your contraceptive pills.
00:12:16He's so silly.
00:12:17No, I searched all over this flat.
00:12:19There was nowhere to be found.
00:12:20No, it was him.
00:12:22Rat boy.
00:12:23Leave him alone.
00:12:24He's only young.
00:12:25Yeah, but he seems to know everything.
00:12:27It's like a cross between Harry Potter and Swampy.
00:12:31Right, Rodgers, come on.
00:12:32Get your arse in gear.
00:12:33We've got some business to sort out.
00:12:34Hey, go and start the van, will you?
00:12:36He, uh, he hasn't got used to me being in charge yet, has he?
00:12:39See you later.
00:12:40See you later.
00:12:41Oh, bye.
00:12:44Final reminder.
00:12:46Final reminder.
00:12:48Final reminder.
00:12:49This is not a circular.
00:12:51No, it's a final reminder.
00:12:53Oh, here's a letter addressed to Albert Trotter.
00:12:56It's from the Royal Naval Association.
00:12:58They obviously haven't heard.
00:12:59Should we open it?
00:13:01No, best leave it to Del.
00:13:03All right.
00:13:04I'm off, sweetheart.
00:13:06See you later, Cassandra.
00:13:07Del?
00:13:08Yeah?
00:13:08A letter's arrived from the Siemens Association.
00:13:11Oh, that'll be for Rodney.
00:13:26Good thing, please, Carol.
00:13:29All right, Bussy.
00:13:31Dental?
00:13:33Not certainly.
00:13:35You are witnessing one of nature's great phenomena.
00:13:38One that, sadly, over the years, David Attenborough has ignored.
00:13:42It's called the Trotter Brothers trying to park a three-wheel van.
00:13:48Hard on your left.
00:13:49All right, now, that's it.
00:13:51Hard on your left.
00:13:52Hard on your left.
00:13:53Right hand down.
00:13:54Right hand down.
00:13:55Hard on your left, Dave.
00:13:57Hard.
00:13:58Will you shut up?
00:13:59No.
00:14:00Huh?
00:14:00Look, you're looking at the wrong angle, aren't you?
00:14:04So I ask business?
00:14:05No, no.
00:14:06Business?
00:14:06What business?
00:14:08Business, I've just got myself a new truck, and I haven't had any bloody work since.
00:14:13I mean, everything's just bad news these days.
00:14:15Ah, well, that's where you could be wrong, my friend.
00:14:19I'm in the motor trade, right?
00:14:21And recently, a fellow mason from my lodge mentioned my firm to a certain big-time player
00:14:26whose name I cannot possibly divulge.
00:14:29But suffice it to say, he's a Lebanese gentleman who has made his mark in Europe.
00:14:37Now, pull it out and straighten it out.
00:14:44How do you yell, Rodney?
00:14:45They reverse vasectomies quicker than this.
00:14:48Shut up, will you?
00:14:49Hard on your left, Dave.
00:14:53So, er, so what's his business?
00:14:56Well, let's just say he's in the commercial sector.
00:15:00Negotiations are at an extremely sensitive stage, but in a few weeks' time, Boyce Autos
00:15:05could hold the UK franchise for most of them cheap low-tax cars in Europe.
00:15:08Great. So, er, where do I fit in?
00:15:13You? You don't.
00:15:18So, why are you telling me this, then?
00:15:20Well, you said it was all bad news, but it isn't.
00:15:23Next month, I could be a millionaire.
00:15:27I don't sudden believe you, Boyce.
00:15:29What are you trying to cheer you up, Denzel?
00:15:33Can you smell onions?
00:15:40If you don't get it in this time, I'm going to back it in myself.
00:15:43Oi, who's running his firm now?
00:15:46Oh, it's got you puzzled as well, has it?
00:15:59At last.
00:16:03You can't park there, Dave.
00:16:06You park too close to a council-owned installation.
00:16:10It's part of my duties as an environmental hygienist to advise you of the law.
00:16:15What's in that thing?
00:16:17Freezing salt.
00:16:18It's people like me at the sharp end who have to spread that salt on the roads in icy conditions.
00:16:24What icy conditions?
00:16:26I have to attend lectures on modern climactic change.
00:16:29What with global warming and Al Pacino.
00:16:34El Nino, Trigger.
00:16:37You just don't know what's going to happen next.
00:16:41Trigger, Rodney and I are going to get a bite to eat.
00:16:44If I buy you two pints of bitter and a cheese roll, will you turn a blind eye on it?
00:16:50Are you trying to bribe me?
00:16:52Yes.
00:16:53All right then.
00:16:54Come on, let's go.
00:16:58If I keep on, I'm going to tell them what I think of them.
00:17:00What's up?
00:17:01The neighbours, they've stopped talking to us.
00:17:04When they're looking down their noses, they think we're criminals.
00:17:08Oh, they've heard about my European deal.
00:17:10They're just jealous.
00:17:11Ignore them.
00:17:14All right, what's up, Johnny?
00:17:15It's your advert, isn't it?
00:17:17I mean, it's just stupid.
00:17:18Look, Rodney, I used to run my own firm.
00:17:21Yeah, I know you got probation for that, didn't you?
00:17:24Yeah, well, it didn't go as well as I'd planned, too.
00:17:26But the point I'm trying to make is nobody reads the small legs.
00:17:30Now, well, that is where you're wrong, Mickey, you see.
00:17:32Because a couple of months ago, Boycey there put an ad in the paper for his car firm, right?
00:17:37It read, Urgently Required Security Goal.
00:17:41That night, his showroom was burgled.
00:17:47Just goes to show that someone reads the small legs.
00:17:51Yeah, well, on the way, I've got business to attend, see.
00:17:54Yeah, you've got to go and catch that gyro check, haven't you?
00:18:01Hello, Cassandra.
00:18:02How's my little good child, then?
00:18:03I don't know, Mickey, but my baby's doing all right.
00:18:08Oh, look.
00:18:08Here's the mum's a bee.
00:18:10All right.
00:18:10Oi, oi, oi, what are you doing walking about like this?
00:18:14Raquel and I got fed up sitting around in that flat, so I decided to get some exercise.
00:18:17Like the doctor ordered me to.
00:18:19She's right, Rodney, nowadays doctors tell pregnant women to carry on as normal.
00:18:23Now, you're not thinking of having one of them natural births, are you?
00:18:26Oh, we have discussed using a birthing pool.
00:18:28With a dampness in your flat, I don't know why you're bothering.
00:18:35You know, it's such a shame you haven't got any fire grates in your place.
00:18:39We've got young Lenny Corby fitting eight log effect gas fires in our house.
00:18:44I must invite you and the family round for the big switching on ceremony.
00:18:48Give you something to look forward to.
00:18:50Please, Boise, I'm having an adrenaline rush already.
00:18:54Oh, I'll tell you another thing.
00:18:56When the baby's born, don't worry if it's ugly.
00:18:58They're all ugly at birth.
00:19:00Well, that's true.
00:19:00Some are more ugly than others.
00:19:02Because when Boise was born, the midwife held him up and slapped his mother.
00:19:10All right, on that note, I shall bid you all goodbye.
00:19:14Come along, Marlene.
00:19:16You can drive me to the showroom.
00:19:18See you later, Cassandra.
00:19:19Bye, I'll tell you, I brought that letter down.
00:19:22It's not for Rodney, it's addressed to Albert.
00:19:24To Albert?
00:19:26I hope you're not going to have my experience, Rodney.
00:19:29From the moment the baby arrived, my wife gave me nothing but hell.
00:19:33Well, lots of women suffer from postnatal depression, don't they?
00:19:36The weed adopted.
00:19:40Take no notice of Sid.
00:19:41He's always been a cantankerous, miserable old sod.
00:19:44Yeah, and his wife was hot-blooded.
00:19:46She was Spanish.
00:19:47He only taught her English so he could stop speaking to her.
00:19:51Hey, brothers, what's it this?
00:19:53There's an old naval friend of Albert's trying to organise a reunion for some of the crew
00:19:58that were in this fleet that went up to Denmark in 1944.
00:20:02I didn't know Albert went to Denmark.
00:20:04Well, he didn't, the fleet never made it.
00:20:05I remember him telling me about that, yeah.
00:20:07All the ships were named after sea creatures, weren't they?
00:20:09You know, HMS Shark, HMS Barracuda, that sort of thing.
00:20:12What was Albert's ship called?
00:20:14HMS Cod.
00:20:17Yeah, yeah, that was it.
00:20:19Yeah, he said they got into some sort of trouble, but none of it was his fault.
00:20:23Well, that would have been a first name, wouldn't it, eh?
00:20:25Well, it's taking place in a village in Normandy.
00:20:28You'll have to write to the association, tell them that Albert isn't with us any more.
00:20:31Yes, yes, you're all, I suppose.
00:20:32Yeah, I suppose.
00:20:33Isn't it a shame Elsie Partridge didn't live long enough to go to the reunion?
00:20:37Bet she'd have loved to have been Albert's representative.
00:20:39Do you remember the night he told us their story?
00:20:42How they'd met and fallen in love before the war?
00:20:44Well, then he had to go off and fight for his country, and they both met and married other people.
00:20:48And then, years later, they met again and spent their last years together.
00:20:56What's wrong with that scatty cow?
00:21:00It's her hormones.
00:21:02We're doing somersaults, you know.
00:21:03It happens when you're pregnant.
00:21:05Oh, right.
00:21:05You're all right, ain't you?
00:21:07Yes!
00:21:09It's like Captain Corelli's mandolin, isn't it?
00:21:11Yeah, yeah, yeah.
00:21:16What's Captain Corelli's mandolin?
00:21:20Captain Corelli's mandolin.
00:21:21It's a romantic film about two lovers who meet again after the war.
00:21:25Oh, that's a woman's thing.
00:21:29Anyway, listen, I've had a thought.
00:21:31If Elsie can't go and represent Albert at this reunion, I think Rodney and I ought to go.
00:21:36Now, that is a brilliant suggestion.
00:21:38No, I think Albert would have loved that idea.
00:21:40I think he's not the only one who likes the idea.
00:21:42You two are just going to go on a booze cruise, aren't you?
00:21:46That hurts, Raquel.
00:21:48That's a very cruel thing to say, Raquel.
00:21:51This is a family thing.
00:21:53We just want Albert to be remembered.
00:21:57It's like...
00:21:58Well, it is.
00:21:59It's our tutor.
00:22:00All right, I'm sorry.
00:22:00I was only joking.
00:22:02It's all right, sweetheart.
00:22:03No, you didn't mean nothing.
00:22:05Raquel, Cassandra, look.
00:22:06It's a picture of my wife.
00:22:08Come and have a look.
00:22:10Look, I don't know how you feel about this, but we could take Albert's ashes and scatter them at sea.
00:22:16That's a very good idea, Rodney.
00:22:18No, you would really like that, wouldn't you?
00:22:20Yeah.
00:22:21We'll have to do it just as we come out of the harbour, because we'll be too pissed to do
00:22:26it later.
00:22:31By the way, tell you what.
00:22:32Why don't you drive Raquel and Cassandra home?
00:22:35I'll stay here and pick up the bill.
00:22:37Sure.
00:22:37Yeah, of course.
00:22:38Sid, what are all these little holes?
00:22:41Darts.
00:22:43It's a long story.
00:22:45See, I met her in 1950.
00:22:47You two want to lift home?
00:22:48Yes, please.
00:22:50Oh, Sid, take it out of that, will you?
00:22:55Hey, Denzel, you still got that lorry of yours?
00:22:58Yeah, why?
00:22:59It's just that me and Rodney are thinking of going to France.
00:23:01Do you want to take a few rolls with you?
00:23:03Yeah, okay, thanks.
00:23:04Not now.
00:23:05No, I mean, like, next month.
00:23:07Got a little idea, like, you know, running around the side of my head.
00:23:10No.
00:23:11What do you mean, no?
00:23:12You haven't heard it yet.
00:23:13Well, that's good, because this way the police can't drag it out of me under interrogation.
00:23:18What are you going on about, Denzel?
00:23:20Every time you have a little idea, someone in a blue uniform asks me questions.
00:23:24Can I help you if I am misunderstood?
00:23:27I'm not misunderstanding you.
00:23:29You can get beer and spirits very cheaply in France.
00:23:32And here's me with a lorry and Sid with a pup.
00:23:36So what are you saying?
00:23:40What I'm saying, Trigg, is that Dell buys a thousand pounds worth of half-price alcohol.
00:23:44We drive it back in the truck.
00:23:45Sid gets a cellar full of cheap booze and we share the profits.
00:23:49No, I was thinking of bringing you all back some nice French cheese.
00:23:54But now you've suggested that, that is a brilliant idea, Denzel.
00:24:00First class.
00:24:01Yeah.
00:24:01A few trips like this, we could earn ourselves some decent money.
00:24:05I'm not doing it.
00:24:06But it was your idea.
00:24:09No, it wasn't.
00:24:11Well, it was in a way.
00:24:13I mean, that's not what I meant to say.
00:24:15I mean, I was trying to sort of...
00:24:17I didn't mean...
00:24:18The thing is, I was just trying to...
00:24:22Is this thing anywhere near legal?
00:24:24Of course it is.
00:24:25Just don't tell Rugby.
00:24:51And it's the thing.
00:24:52Neon Rodney.
00:24:54Would you do the honours?
00:24:57No, you would have liked it.
00:25:00But do it ceremoniously, right?
00:25:03Not like you're emptying a hoover bag.
00:25:24See you again some time, honk.
00:25:27Good luck, Holden.
00:25:33Do you hear that?
00:25:34I hope it's not his dentures.
00:25:39I can't believe it.
00:25:41What?
00:25:45Cassandra's birth control pills.
00:25:48Cassandra's birth?
00:25:50Who put them in there?
00:25:51Bloody, who do you think put them in there? Damien.
00:25:57He's a boy, isn't he?
00:25:59Anyway, you don't need her no more, do you?
00:26:01Because she's up to death.
00:26:02You know, it's quite easy, have you?
00:26:04You know, I've...
00:26:10He's a little sore, doesn't he?
00:26:12Yeah.
00:26:13I don't know where he gets it from.
00:26:17I'll face off the rack, are you?
00:26:19Yeah.
00:26:20Yeah, more than likely.
00:26:22Right, go on.
00:26:35I've got to travel up this road about another three miles, rudders, and then look for a sign saying,
00:26:41St. Clair-la-chapel.
00:26:44Right.
00:26:52Where'd you get that from?
00:26:55What is?
00:26:56Oh, what?
00:26:58It's kind of blend in with the locals, Rodney.
00:27:01You've always been a bit of a Francophile, you know?
00:27:03Yeah.
00:27:04More like a Franco Spencer.
00:27:06Yeah, yeah, yeah.
00:27:07Just try a bit moving on.
00:27:10Anyway, where is my book?
00:27:14Boom up on the old French.
00:27:16It's amazing, you know.
00:27:18How quick you forget it.
00:27:19Yeah, I know.
00:27:21No, I mean, you know, I've forgotten a lot of the French.
00:27:23I learned that school as well.
00:27:25Well, don't you worry.
00:27:26I'll be with you.
00:27:34Because it is a difficult language, you know.
00:27:38Because one of my most favouritest meals is duck a la ranch, but I don't know how to say
00:27:43that in French.
00:27:45It's canald.
00:27:47I thought you could say that again, bro.
00:27:52Now, the French word for duck is canald.
00:27:55Is it?
00:27:56I thought that was something to do with the QE2.
00:27:59Now, it's Q-nald.
00:28:01They're the ones that make the boats and what have you.
00:28:03The French for duck is canald.
00:28:05Right, lovely, jubbly.
00:28:07Right, so how do the French say a la ranch, then?
00:28:13A la ranch.
00:28:15The same as we do.
00:28:17Yes.
00:28:18Sir.
00:28:19Dear.
00:28:20It's a pity they don't use more of our words, anyway.
00:28:26Stupid, aren't they?
00:28:27Yeah.
00:28:29I can't wait to get there, brothers.
00:28:31I bet they're going to throw a Mardi Gras.
00:28:34The old French, they don't scrimp when it comes to a celebration.
00:28:38Yeah, that's right.
00:28:38I imagine it'll be some quiet little backwater somewhere.
00:28:42Yeah.
00:28:44I bet half of them don't even know the war's over.
00:28:50I bet half of them don't even know the war's over.
00:29:12Au revoir.
00:29:13Derrick and Rodney Trotter.
00:29:17Bonjour, monsieur.
00:29:18Uh-huh.
00:29:19Bonjour.
00:29:21Excuse me, did you say Trotter?
00:29:25Yeah, we're Albert Trotter's great-nephews.
00:29:27Very pleased to meet you.
00:29:29George Parker.
00:29:30I sailed with your uncle during the war.
00:29:33Is Albert not coming?
00:29:35Um, no, I'm afraid not.
00:29:38Unfortunately, he passed away a few months ago.
00:29:41Oh, I'm very sorry to hear that.
00:29:44Yeah, well, so have we.
00:29:48Well, uh, where's the crew?
00:29:51The crew?
00:29:52Oh, here.
00:29:53I'm the only one that's turned up.
00:29:56All the others are either dead in old people's homes or just couldn't be bothered.
00:30:01See, well, we're here to represent Albert, so, you know, let's get started.
00:30:08Oh, nice.
00:30:08Mr. Mayor, s'il vous plaît?
00:30:11So fun.
00:30:26Are you winning Albert's medals?
00:30:28Yes, with pride.
00:30:32Come on, Rodney, show some decorum.
00:30:34You're playing the American anthem.
00:30:47I knew we should have got a later, Teddy.
00:30:49Did I assert my opinion?
00:30:51No.
00:30:52I listen to Bloody Dale like I've listened to him all my life.
00:30:56Still, it gives us a bit of time to see France.
00:31:03We've got sudden hours to kill.
00:31:07Relax, Denzel, relax.
00:31:10When I was married to Corrine, she was always saying that to me.
00:31:14Relax, Denzel.
00:31:16And I would.
00:31:19Then Dale had phone and...
00:31:20I like Corrine.
00:31:23I used to think that if ever I'd got married, I'd like it to be to a girl like her.
00:31:29Yeah, she was OK.
00:31:31You ever thought of getting married, Trigg?
00:31:33No.
00:31:33I haven't met the right person yet.
00:31:36But I've always had this sort of image of my perfect woman.
00:31:41Sort of...
00:31:42My dream girl.
00:31:44And what's she like?
00:31:45Oh, she's nothing to look at.
00:31:46Very plain.
00:31:48A little scar on her chin where she had her walk removed.
00:31:55I'm a jelly baby.
00:32:11Oh, that's Albert, all right.
00:32:13You two haven't a clue, have you?
00:32:15You've led lives of luxury.
00:32:17You don't know what it's like to suffer on the high seas.
00:32:20How's it happens?
00:32:21We do.
00:32:22We've served our time at sea, Mick.
00:32:25Where were you?
00:32:26The Falklands?
00:32:27No, I cruised round the Hawaiian Islands.
00:32:29A cruise later?
00:32:30That's not a ship.
00:32:32Kept the water off our feet.
00:32:34You should have been on the Russian convoys with your uncle and me.
00:32:37We had hundred foot waves.
00:32:40Oh, I don't know.
00:32:40I got a bit choppy round Honolulu one night, didn't you?
00:32:43We had storm and tempest.
00:32:45Well, you should have seen our cabaret.
00:32:47We had hail and sleet.
00:32:48We had hail and paste.
00:32:55Sometimes I think about the future.
00:32:57I don't want to end up a lonely bachelor like my cousin Ronnie.
00:33:02Then again, he did always have a strange taste in women.
00:33:06In what way?
00:33:07Well, there were men.
00:33:11I remember Ronnie.
00:33:13Did you ever miss when you married Denzel?
00:33:16Well, there's some things I miss.
00:33:19I'd like to meet a nice woman, though.
00:33:20Yeah, me too.
00:33:21Take her out.
00:33:22Give her something to eat.
00:33:23Yeah.
00:33:24Get to know each other a bit, you know?
00:33:27Might like each other.
00:33:29Then who knows?
00:33:30In time.
00:33:32Maybe she might do a bit of vining for me.
00:33:38Wait.
00:33:40Hang on, you.
00:33:41Just something I want to know.
00:33:42How come you, the crew of a British naval vessel, right, managed to end up 30 miles inland?
00:33:50All right, come on.
00:33:50We've got a bit of a bit.
00:33:51We were sailing in this fortilla.
00:33:54Oh, dear.
00:33:56All our way up to Denmark we were, to drop off military supplies to the Royal Marines.
00:34:02Our ship, HMS Codd, was at the rear of the fleet, and Albert was at the wheel.
00:34:08Well, we got a radio message to say a German fleet was approaching us from the opposite direction.
00:34:14Pretty soon, Gerry spotted us, and Albert, without waiting for orders, threw the ship to port.
00:34:21And five minutes later, we crashed.
00:34:24In what?
00:34:25France.
00:34:28We hit some rocks on the Normandy coast and ran aground.
00:34:32Well, we were sitting ducks, weren't we?
00:34:34We knew Gerry was on our tail, so we legged it over land.
00:34:38We must have been going for two days and nights.
00:34:41And finally, we ended up here, in this little village, where the people, God bless them, took us in and
00:34:49hit us.
00:34:50Oh, the Gestapo came looking for us, but they never found us, until that fateful day when we were betrayed.
00:34:57No, no, I don't want to upset you, but Albert was a bit of a lad in those days, you
00:35:04know.
00:35:05He could sing, he could dance, he could play the piano, and the women liked him.
00:35:10And he liked the women.
00:35:13And during our stay here, how shall I put it, he kept himself busy.
00:35:20I don't believe him.
00:35:22The guarantee old git.
00:35:25Oh, too sweet.
00:35:28You know, it was every man for himself in those days.
00:35:31I mean, there was a war on.
00:35:33They were hard times.
00:35:34Everybody just grabbed whatever bit of pleasure they could.
00:35:36But, you know, I don't know.
00:35:38I don't believe him.
00:35:40I don't know.
00:35:44Like, I think he would be too.
00:35:46I don't know.
00:35:46But, like...
00:35:55I don't know.
00:36:00I don't know.
00:36:04But, like...
00:36:15most of the men were either away fighting or locked up and when they got to hear about
00:36:20albert's shenanigans they weren't best pleased which was understandable under the circumstances
00:36:25so who crossed you up the french resistance one day the ss just turned up and rounded us all up
00:36:33and would you believe it albert with one or two others escaped and made it back to bloody
00:36:41excuse me just go to the gents
00:36:49are you thinking what i'm thinking i think i am
00:36:59it's another one look
00:37:04god it's like a geriatric village of the damned
00:37:10i don't know about sinclair la chapelle they should have renamed this place trottersville
00:37:19what do you think of all the other countries he's visited and what he must have got up to
00:37:23america india i bet he he didn't even leave australia alone did he africa middle east
00:37:29do you remember that woman he mentioned he's been putting it about all over the place
00:37:34raquel was wrong it wasn't like captain corelli's mandolin
00:37:38it was more like captain bird's eyes banjo
00:37:55i really don't understand you i mean we could have bought a bottle of duty free wine on the
00:38:00ferry yeah i know but things in here are probably a euro two cheaper and i and we got to
00:38:05save our money
00:38:12i don't believe it
00:38:14i don't believe it
00:38:15what's that what's that runny look over there
00:38:17it's only denzel you're having me on aren't you
00:38:21you're right hey hello denzel
00:38:24hey del rod hi fancy meeting you here
00:38:30it's just what i was gonna say what are you doing here
00:38:32well i had a free day and christmas is coming so i thought i'd pop over and get a couple
00:38:37of packs of
00:38:37cheap beer what brings you here oh well we were just coming back from uncle albert's reunion and
00:38:44rodney said as we're passing the warehouse why don't we whip in here and get a couple of cases of
00:38:48wine didn't you rudney yeah have you got your truck with you well yeah it's at the back actually
00:38:56why'd you ask no it's just that i was thinking that we haven't got much room in our little vein
00:39:01and i thought well if denzel's got some space in his track we could take just you know a couple
00:39:07of
00:39:07extra cases don't we rudney yeah maybe oh boy dave
00:39:13oh look it's trigger would you believe it only if i'd been heavily sedated
00:39:21hello trick what are you doing here you said mia's here at four o'clock
00:39:31i don't believe you sometimes trigger
00:39:34this is a setup isn't it no no no no no no it was just a little surprise for you
00:39:41rodders all right
00:39:42here we are surrounded by a million gallons of cheap booze dental's got his truck outside and
00:39:47the nags head's waiting for its cellar to be filled
00:39:50keep your noise down will you okay i admit it it was my fault i agreed to it agreed to
00:40:00it with who
00:40:02well with me well you shouldn't have i'm running the firm now rodney everyone's at it it's just that
00:40:08we're a bit slow on the uptake i don't believe this and we need the money
00:40:18okay but i wasn't looking all right all right well say that you was in the toilet
00:40:22good boy rodney you know it makes sense paid for it bell the load need out back hey he's paid
00:40:28for it
00:40:28come on
00:40:37did you see it and that
00:40:44oh my god
00:40:47come on denzel we better help out we haven't got long hey no it's all right tree got plenty of
00:40:51time
00:40:51yeah yeah plenty of time now wait a minute did any of us move our watches forward one hour to
00:40:56french time no no no oh my god we've only got half an hour before the ferry lit you
00:41:32get stick
00:41:36so how was albert's reunion oh yeah brilliant thousands of people were there wasn't i oh yeah
00:41:42there was thousands and thousands you know there's a fly pass like that and everything yeah yeah i
00:41:47tried to phone you but i couldn't get through all i meant to tell you we had a letter yesterday
00:41:50they've cut the phone off something to do with an unpaid bill oh all right i'll sort it out tomorrow
00:41:55i'll tell them i couldn't call them because they cut the phone off have you eaten yeah on the ferry
00:42:00had a quick omelette salad dale had a mutter madras and four irish coffees yeah very nice of us too
00:42:06it's brilliant over in france you should have seen the size of this wine warehouse we went to
00:42:10i said to denzel we should have this sort of thing back in britain denzel was with you hey
00:42:18yes yes yes he was there he was well we just bumped into him like you know it was a
00:42:23coincidence wasn't
00:42:23it hey yeah amazing yeah it was absolute look ah look what i got here look there a bottle of
00:42:30champagne to celebrate our safe return all right i mean all the arrangements were made with sid
00:42:38del says to him keep the pub salad clear we'll be back at eight and what does he do what
00:42:44what you
00:42:45mean what you were there he allowed the brewery to make a delivery the way that brewery carries on
00:42:51anyone would think they own the pub
00:43:10so let me get this straight you just happened to meet denzel in a wine warehouse in france and did
00:43:17denzel
00:43:17have his lorry with him don't know we didn't ask only i imagine you could get an awful lot of
00:43:22beer on
00:43:22the back of that lorry and did denzel follow you back
00:43:24no no he stayed over there yeah yeah that's right he's he's having a little holiday yes he's having
00:43:31oh look what i've got in here i just remembered look at that i got you a french football shirt
00:43:36son
00:43:36oh brilliant dad could try on of course you can go on here you go cas look got you some
00:43:40special
00:43:41french perfume yeah and look what i got you sweetheart there you are
00:43:46oh del they're lovely yeah well they say that diamonds are a girl's best friend but zircon can
00:43:53be good company hello del it's denzel denzel what's he doing phoning me all the way from france
00:44:09no he's down at your garage i know what you've been up to why do you lie to me because
00:44:14darling i
00:44:15didn't think the truth would do me any favors we need the money raquel and that is no lie
00:44:21let me speak to him bonjour denzel
00:44:28chance of lazy
00:44:32disprekens a lingo
00:44:35disprekens he the old anglazy
00:44:37give it up there we don't speak a word
00:44:40so what are we going to do with him
00:44:43just have to let him go won't we
00:44:45you can't just let him go
00:44:46a stranger on this estate can you imagine what a gang will do to him
00:44:50yeah for all we know he could be part of al-qaeda
00:44:54stupid yeah i mean does he look like he works in a furniture store
00:45:01no no no let's not even find him
00:45:04we'll just have to drop him off somewhere
00:45:06and what happens if he gets pulled by the old bill
00:45:08i'll be all right they'll take him to that new immigration center down at croydon and look after him
00:45:13there won't i yeah but he was hiding in my truck and that's a two thousand pound fine for starters
00:45:18yeah and some of these illegals can't deal with the police by telling them who brought them in
00:45:22how do you think us two would fare under british justice eh
00:45:25well we can't leave him in here all night can we because he
00:45:29must probably suffocate or something
00:45:32we'll have to take him back to the flat
00:45:33oh yeah what are we going to say to raquel
00:45:35we say excuse me darling we've got a bloke here
00:45:36don't know who he is don't know where he comes from
00:45:38making double egg and chips will you
00:45:40you are a plonker rodney
00:45:41have you got a better idea at least this way we can keep an eye on him and stop him
00:45:46going to the police
00:45:48oh i don't believe this
00:45:50all right
00:45:52look you carry on unloading and we'll take him somewhere
00:46:02so what are we going to say i don't know i do not know we're just going to have to
00:46:06play it by ear
00:46:06all i know is we've got to get him pugged away somewhere
00:46:11yank and i edge of the pedals here back towards uh was that closer
00:46:19look who we bumped into
00:46:23yeah he was just walking past
00:46:28aren't you going to introduce us
00:46:32yes yes yes sorry yes yes of course course
00:46:35um this this is raquel who is my significant other
00:46:39this is cassandra who is rodney's wife
00:46:42and this is damien who is my son
00:46:45and this and this this this this is rodney's friend
00:46:53yes yes this is my friend
00:46:57does he have a name
00:46:59don't be silly of course he has a name
00:47:01well of course
00:47:02of course he has a name
00:47:06well
00:47:07is that my name
00:47:08his his name his name is gary
00:47:14yes yes this this is gary
00:47:18good old gary
00:47:21nice to meet you gary
00:47:22hi gary
00:47:24hi he's
00:47:27he's a little you know he's a little bit
00:47:29shy this is what he probably wants to sit down
00:47:31rodney help him sit down gary sit down sit down good boy
00:47:34there he is look he's sitting look like that there he goes
00:47:37where do you know him from
00:47:39who gary
00:47:40yeah
00:47:42um
00:47:43oh yeah uh it was uh from rodney's evening school
00:47:46uh yes yes from from my evening school
00:47:48but i was at your evening school
00:47:50that's where we met
00:47:51i don't remember gary
00:47:53no it's just another evening school
00:47:56when did you go there then
00:47:57one evening
00:48:01would you like something to drink gary
00:48:10gary
00:48:10gary
00:48:15gary
00:48:16yes he said gary gary
00:48:18this is why he says it
00:48:20yeah yeah gary
00:48:21oh you killed me
00:48:23he can't speak any english can he
00:48:26what in no
00:48:27of course speaking english well he's like the talking clock once he starts you can't stop him
00:48:31did you meet rodney at evening school gary
00:48:37gary
00:48:40oh my god he's an illegal immigrant
00:48:44rachel don't say that you loudy around this estate
00:48:47he'll cause a panic
00:48:48oh yes you've got an illegal
00:48:51sweetheart i'm sorry i'm really am sorry this is nothing to do with us
00:48:55we found him in the back of denzil's lorry
00:48:57look we didn't have a clue he was there he must have snuck in while he was having a coffee
00:49:02well what are you planning to do with him
00:49:04i don't know
00:49:05well he can't stay here
00:49:06well where's he gonna go
00:49:07well what are you suggesting we do just sit him down to watch the football
00:49:09well we can't just chuck him out on his estate rachel
00:49:12he'll be a crack addict by the second half
00:49:15what i think we might have to do
00:49:18no no no no no no no no it's all right it's all right
00:49:23no no no look look it's it's it's look a lighter see lighter
00:49:26then it's all right
00:49:27right
00:49:27mm mm mm mm mm mm mm mm mm mm mm mm
00:49:31gotie
00:49:32mmm
00:49:35mmm
00:49:36mmm
00:49:39mmm
00:49:41mmm
00:49:41mmm
00:49:42so
00:49:42two teaspoonfuls of curry paste
00:49:47its... one
00:49:50One, two, one, four, a pot.
00:49:53Push it in.
00:49:55Yes.
00:49:56I thought I could smell something.
00:49:57Yeah, I know.
00:49:58You can't wait for this, can you, sweetheart?
00:50:00I can.
00:50:02Oh, no, no, you've got to take your time.
00:50:03Take your time with this.
00:50:05Yeah, the longer the better.
00:50:08I've just got to find out what nationality Gary is
00:50:11and then hand him over to the organisation that represents his people.
00:50:14But he doesn't speak any English.
00:50:16So how do you intend to find out where he comes from?
00:50:18Well, we...
00:50:19Yeah, good point.
00:50:23Where's Gary?
00:50:24He's having a shower.
00:50:25Yeah, I've lent him some of Del's clothes, Raquel.
00:50:27I hope you don't mind.
00:50:28Well, you could give him some of Del's aftershave, too, if you like.
00:50:30Things are bad enough for him as it is.
00:50:34Del?
00:50:35Rob, he's only gone and...
00:50:37Look at that.
00:50:38Do you know what I'm going to call this?
00:50:39I'm calling this...
00:50:41Chicken Trotter.
00:50:43That could be a very apt name for it.
00:50:53Oh, all right, Gary?
00:50:55Well, got him.
00:50:56Yeah, well, you come and sit down some, all right?
00:51:00Here you go.
00:51:02Oh, my God.
00:51:04He looks like a set of traffic lights.
00:51:07What is he new, Daniel?
00:51:09He probably comes from some war-torn country somewhere.
00:51:12Might have probably witnessed mass murder, torture.
00:51:16Oh, yeah.
00:51:17Maybe he was one of the murderers and torturers.
00:51:22No, I mean, he don't look like a mass murderer, does he?
00:51:25Dressed in Del's pyjamas, Adolf Hitler wouldn't look like a mass murderer.
00:51:29Oh, my God.
00:51:30You could have colour-coordinated him a bit, Rodney.
00:51:32Yeah, well, fashion design never was my strong point, Raquel.
00:51:35All right.
00:51:36Here we go.
00:51:37Right.
00:51:38Oh.
00:51:39Very nice.
00:51:40Very, very tasteful, Gary.
00:51:42Yeah.
00:51:43Got him.
00:51:43That's a good boy.
00:51:44Get your laughing gear around that, will you?
00:51:47Why'd you make him a curry?
00:51:48Well, just wanted to make him feel at home, didn't I?
00:51:51No, I don't think he's Asian.
00:51:52He's more Arabic.
00:51:54All right, let's pop down to the perfect pizza
00:51:56and pick up a deep-pan pepperoni and sheep's head.
00:52:00It's only a ruby.
00:52:02It doesn't matter if you're an Asian, an Arab or an Eskimo.
00:52:05Everyone loves a ruby.
00:52:08Oh.
00:52:08There you are.
00:52:10Oh, Gary!
00:52:12That's a good glass of water.
00:52:14Gary!
00:52:14Yeah, good boy, good boy.
00:52:15Gary!
00:52:17I'll take that.
00:52:18You can finish that out there.
00:52:19Gary!
00:52:23I think maybe the Vindaloo might have been a bit hot for the boy.
00:52:27It's the police.
00:52:28I know, it's the police.
00:52:29Oh, this is just great.
00:52:30I'm going to give birth in Hollowale.
00:52:33Shh, shh, shh, shh, shh.
00:52:35I don't know, just shh, shh.
00:52:38Hello, who is it?
00:52:39Oh, boy, it's Boise.
00:52:42It's all right, honey, Boise.
00:52:46Well, this is an unpleasant surprise.
00:52:51Rodney.
00:52:52Boise.
00:52:54Good evening, Raquel.
00:52:55May I say you're looking particularly lovely tonight.
00:52:58And you two, Cassandra, you have that maternal glow that only comes from being in the family way.
00:53:06Hello, little man.
00:53:09Do not touch me, buddy boy.
00:53:13He's a character, isn't he?
00:53:16What do you want, Boise?
00:53:17Oh, a large cognac would be lovely, thank you, Raquel.
00:53:19You'll be lucky, Boise.
00:53:21Here you are, Rodney.
00:53:22Cheers.
00:53:23Now, Boise, if you think I'm driving for you tonight, you've got another thing coming, pal.
00:53:27Oh, no, it's not that, Del.
00:53:29I've got a bit of a problem.
00:53:32I've been chucked out of my house.
00:53:35Good for Marlene.
00:53:36She's finally thrown you out.
00:53:38No, Marlene didn't.
00:53:39The police did.
00:53:40The house is full of gas.
00:53:42Those bloody log effect fires Lenny Corby fitted are leaking all over the place.
00:53:48Well, on top of all that, the gas board can't turn it off at the mains because Lenny snapped the
00:53:52handle off.
00:53:54They've evacuated the entire road.
00:53:56Well, Marlene's gone off to her mum's with Tyler and I was going to check into a hotel, but I
00:54:02left everything in the house.
00:54:04Wallet, credit cards, car keys, the lot.
00:54:06Fire Brigade won't let me back in because it's too dangerous.
00:54:10So all I've got is what I'm wearing.
00:54:13Well, that is bad news, isn't it, Boise?
00:54:16So what are you doing here?
00:54:16Well, I was in trouble, Del, so I thought I'd go and seek the help of my best friend.
00:54:21But you decided to call in here first.
00:54:24Derek is my best friend. He always has been.
00:54:27Yeah, well, on your bike, Boisey.
00:54:30I'll just leave your bed for the night, Del.
00:54:32I'm throwing myself on your mercy.
00:54:34Why can't you stay at Marlene's mum's with your wife and child?
00:54:37Because the batty old mare won't let me in her house.
00:54:39We had a row at that wedding.
00:54:42She cast doubt upon my personal hygiene.
00:54:46Apparently there was this horrible smell of onion and she blamed me.
00:54:52Can't you stay with Trigger?
00:54:54Have you ever spent an evening in Trigger's flat?
00:54:56It's like having a seance with Mr Bean.
00:55:00Well, Dental's got room at his place.
00:55:01Yeah, but he's not there. Nobody knows when he's going to be back.
00:55:05Why do I get the feeling you don't want me here?
00:55:07No, it's not that, Boisey.
00:55:08It is.
00:55:10No, look, it's just that we're overcrowded.
00:55:12Mackell and I got our bedroom.
00:55:14Cassandra and Rodney got their bedroom.
00:55:16Damien's got his bedroom.
00:55:17Yeah, well, the sofa will do.
00:55:18Oh, well, Gary's sleeping on that.
00:55:20Gary?
00:55:22Gary?
00:55:24God!
00:55:25This is Gary. It's Rodney's friend.
00:55:27What happened here? Did he get ready for bed in a power cut?
00:55:36They're your pyjamas and dressing gown, aren't they?
00:55:38You've got it in one.
00:55:39Yeah, I should have realised it.
00:55:40Who else could combine lime green and fire engine red and make it work?
00:55:45Well, I've always had an eye for colour, you know me.
00:55:48Derek?
00:55:49Hmm?
00:55:49Could I have a word, please?
00:55:51Of course you can, sweetheart.
00:55:52Of course.
00:55:53Hey.
00:55:54Hey.
00:56:05Before you say anything, Boise is not staying here.
00:56:08We've already got Gary, or whatever his name is, but at least he doesn't speak.
00:56:12Now, if you want to play Lawrence of Peckham, I want such a you.
00:56:15But Boise is not staying here.
00:56:17Look, darling sweetheart, I feel...
00:56:20Well, I feel just a little bit guilty, you see.
00:56:22I was the one that made Boise's head smell like a shepherd's pie.
00:56:26What?
00:56:27Hmm?
00:56:27No, it's not good, because he wouldn't have had a row with his in-laws then, would he?
00:56:31And then he would have been staying there.
00:56:33Not only that, there's these log effect gas fires.
00:56:37Oh, no.
00:56:38You sold them?
00:56:39No.
00:56:39No, it wasn't me.
00:56:40It was Rodney.
00:56:41It was Rodney.
00:56:42Rodney, I told him.
00:56:43I said to him, don't sell these gas fires because they're dangerous.
00:56:46But he wouldn't listen to me because you know what he's like, don't you?
00:56:48Ah, so, you know what, I feel just a little bit guilty.
00:56:51It's only for one night, sweetheart.
00:56:54All right, one night.
00:56:55But if they're not gone by tomorrow evening, then I will be.
00:56:58No, they will be history, sweet.
00:57:00Oh, thank you very much, darling.
00:57:01You are a diamond.
00:57:03No, it's just a little bliss, darling.
00:57:06All right, Boise, we've decided you can stay.
00:57:09You can stay on the camp bed.
00:57:11We've got one in the cupboard.
00:57:11Oh, that's perfect, Derek.
00:57:13That's exciting for you, Damien.
00:57:15You're going to be spending the night on the camp bed.
00:57:16No, he is not.
00:57:18Well, he's only a little boy.
00:57:20You always get rid of the kids to make room for the adults.
00:57:22Yes, but in your case, we're making an exception.
00:57:24It's either the camp bed or nothing.
00:57:26All right, the camp bed, it will have to be.
00:57:29Anyway, there we are.
00:57:32Now, I promise you that you will hardly know that I'm here.
00:57:40Did you make that drink for me, my girl?
00:57:42I'll tell you what, I am starving.
00:57:49Aren't you a plate of curry?
00:57:51Lovely.
00:57:52Lovely.
00:57:54Lovely.
00:58:06Used to the wake, Gary.
00:58:09Gary.
00:58:12That curry's doing a conga in my colon.
00:58:19I only had one mouthful.
00:58:22You still hungry, Gary?
00:58:25Gary.
00:58:26I'll make us a sandwich.
00:58:44Do sell-by dates mean nothing to the trotters?
00:58:48I've seen younger items on the Antiche Roadshow.
00:58:52Oh, it'll have to be cheese, Gary.
00:58:55Got it.
00:59:05Oh, do you want to pick a lily?
00:59:08What's the matter, are you cold, son?
00:59:10Well, get back in the bed, warm yourself up.
00:59:11Go on, go on.
00:59:12That's right, get in the sofa there.
00:59:14That's right, don't get back in there.
00:59:15You've only got some warm, that's right.
00:59:19Blimey, you are cold, aren't you?
00:59:24Right, I'll tell you what, get the suitcase out of the table,
00:59:26you set it up and I'll do the spieling, right?
00:59:28Excuse me, hello?
00:59:30I'm in charge now.
00:59:32All right.
00:59:33What do you want to do?
00:59:35Well, I'll get the suitcase out, you can do the spieling.
00:59:37That's a good idea.
00:59:48Hello, sweetheart.
00:59:49How are you?
00:59:50One night, you said.
00:59:52Yeah, I know, but what...
00:59:53Four bloody nights, Derek.
00:59:54Four nights I've had them sleeping in the living room.
00:59:56Yeah, all right, all right.
00:59:57I'll have words, don't worry.
00:59:59And Boise keeps putting up rotten hair gel on
01:00:01and then having the audacity to complain about the smell.
01:00:05But I can't say anything to him, can I?
01:00:08Otherwise, you'll know that it wouldn't be what done it.
01:00:11Oh, there you are.
01:00:12I have good news.
01:00:13The gas board has just given us the all-clear to move back into the house.
01:00:17Thank you for being there when I needed you.
01:00:19That's all right, Boise.
01:00:20You'd do the same for us, wouldn't you?
01:00:23I suppose so.
01:00:25Oh, by the way, I'd get that smell sorted out if I were you.
01:00:29You know what?
01:00:30I reckon someone's dumped a kebab in your hot air dumps.
01:00:33Oh, and do you know that contract I was telling you about?
01:00:36Oh, yeah.
01:00:36Well, I've got to go and sign it next Wednesday in Paris.
01:00:39Oh, good.
01:00:40And I want you to drive me there.
01:00:41Make the right impression.
01:00:43So, go and hire us a nice vehicle.
01:00:47Hire a nice vehicle?
01:00:48Well, you've got a showroom full of cars.
01:00:50Yes, but I want one that's going to get us there.
01:00:53It's only money, after all.
01:00:55You don't mind if I take your stuff away, do you?
01:00:57No, not at all.
01:00:59In fact, I think I'll come with you for the ride.
01:01:01Yes, it'll be a good experience for you.
01:01:03Witnessing a man becoming a millionaire might rekindle a few memories.
01:01:09You are one fresh getting, sir.
01:01:13Hey, I've had an idea.
01:01:14Why don't we take Gary with us?
01:01:15We can drop him off on the continent.
01:01:17Holy stupid, Rodney.
01:01:19If we get caught, we'll be the only people in history to get fined for trying to smuggle someone out
01:01:23of the country.
01:01:25You'll have to find him first.
01:01:26I saw him about an hour ago hitchhiking around the Eiffelton Castle.
01:01:29He's gone.
01:01:30Damien and his mates took him to play football this morning.
01:01:33The last time I saw him, he was in a Volkswagen camper van surrounded by a bunch of Australian backpackers.
01:01:40Oh, well, we did our best for him, didn't we?
01:01:42Yeah.
01:01:44I suppose you'll see a bit of the world now, won't you?
01:01:49Can you smell him?
01:01:54Yeah.
01:02:00Hey, darling, I told you I'd get it sorted.
01:02:02Yeah, well done, Del.
01:02:04I'll see you back home.
01:02:05Our nice, uncrowded home.
01:02:07Okay.
01:02:08Come on in, boss.
01:02:09Let's get selling.
01:02:21It's a van.
01:02:22Yeah, it's all they had.
01:02:24Yeah, they were right out of saloons.
01:02:25Yeah, go.
01:02:26Get inside.
01:02:26It's nice and comfy.
01:02:27I don't believe this is happening to me.
01:02:29This is the most important meeting in my life.
01:02:31I'm going in a van.
01:02:34Oh, shut up.
01:02:35Get in.
01:02:35Stop moaning.
01:02:40Let's understand one thing, Derek.
01:02:42We are not stopping any warehouses to load up with beer.
01:02:45Nothing was further from my fault.
01:02:48Police in Kent have found the missing billionaire's son, Rashid Mamoun.
01:02:53Mr. Mamoun was kidnapped over a week ago whilst working at his father's wine warehouse in Sherbrooke.
01:03:00I was loading in the back of a truck when the kidnappers trapped me.
01:03:07I was taken to an apartment.
01:03:09I have no idea where it was.
01:03:11I was held there for four days and nights by two men and two women.
01:03:16I don't know what language they spoke.
01:03:18Say it in English.
01:03:19Sometimes I detected the occasional word of English.
01:03:24They brought a big man in to guard me at night.
01:03:26He carried a large knife and to smell a smooter.
01:03:31Be honest.
01:03:32Onions.
01:03:34Interpol has launched the Europe-wide search for the criminals behind the kidnap.
01:03:38The only information they have so far is that the organisation which they're calling the Gary Gang may have South
01:03:43London connections.
01:03:54Interpol is actively searching for the criminals in all the Europe.
01:04:05Gentlemen.
01:04:14Mr. Boyce, this is Mr. Mamoun.
01:04:17Delighted.
01:04:19Please.
01:04:21Please sit down.
01:04:29I have a special purpose in English.
01:04:34I have a special purpose in the war.
01:04:34Mr. Chairman says he has always admired the British.
01:04:38My mother is a big man.
01:04:40He was a English teacher.
01:04:42During the war.
01:04:44His grandmother met an English sailor during the war.
01:04:58Is your contract correct?
01:05:02You are happy with the contract, Mr. Boyce?
01:05:04Oh, oui.
01:05:06Extremely.
01:05:07Then we will sign.
01:05:09Oh, right.
01:05:11Mr. Boyce, this is Mr. Mamoun's son, Rashid.
01:05:19Gary!
01:05:20Gary!
01:05:42Good pen.
01:05:49I came here to sign a contract that would have made me a millionaire
01:05:51And thanks to you two, I end up getting arrested for kidnap
01:05:55Don't worry, the ambassador's on his way
01:05:58But what the bloody hell do you think the ambassador's going to do?
01:06:00Well, I don't know, he might bring us a tray of Ferrero Rochas
01:06:04It's ridiculous, kidnappers, us?
01:06:06Boise, I was wondering, on the way back
01:06:09Do you mind if we stop off at the wine warehouse?
01:06:12Don't you think we're in enough sodding trouble as it is?
01:06:16Are you going to pay Del overtime for this?
01:06:18No, I am not!
01:06:21Can you smell onions?