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00:01One of the reasons some people still risk the possible horror of a first date
00:06is the possible magic of the goodnight kiss at the front door.
00:10It was so good.
00:11I had a great time.
00:13So did I.
00:14The world slows down just for a second,
00:16as some people take that hopeful lean into a possible future together.
00:31Ew!
00:32I mean all around my mouth.
00:35Ew!
00:36How do you think I felt his tongue actually licked my teeth?
00:39I don't get it.
00:40Did he want to fuck you or floss you?
00:42Bad kissers are the worst.
00:44The worst.
00:44When it comes to the worst, they're at the top.
00:46The top of the worst.
00:46He has these sweet little lips.
00:48I thought he would be a good kisser.
00:49See, that's the scary thing you can never tell.
00:51They look totally normal.
00:52Until their pointy tongue is darting in and out of your mouth.
00:54Oh, the stabby little pointy tongue.
00:56That is the worst of the worst.
00:57No, no, no, no.
00:58What's worse is when they expect you to do all the work,
01:01and their tongue just lays there in your mouth like a clam.
01:03Ew!
01:05A clam mouth.
01:06That's the worst.
01:07At that point I say get that thing out of my mouth,
01:09put it in a cab and take his lazy ass home.
01:11You dump a guy because of a bad kiss?
01:12Honey, you have to.
01:14I mean if their tongue is just going to lay there,
01:16what do you think their dick is going to do?
01:18Point taken.
01:18Maybe we can work on it.
01:20Practice makes perfect.
01:21No, no, no, no.
01:21Dump him.
01:22A bad kisser is a non-negotiable.
01:24I am not going to dump Brad just because of that.
01:27Then might I suggest you change his name from Brad to bad?
01:31But I really like him.
01:32I mean, well I did until...
01:33Until his tongue was in your stomach.
01:35Ew!
01:37I'm going to have to ask you ladies to hold it down.
01:39This is a respectable restaurant.
01:40Adina Williams was my newspaper's former food editor,
01:43and the chef and proud owner of Fusion,
01:45a restaurant whose specialty was a mingling of trendy food with soul food.
01:49Martha Stewart meets Puff Daddy on a plate.
01:52So, salmon with okra.
01:55So good.
01:56So good.
01:57Trust me, this time next year okra will be the new edamame.
02:02Hey sis, we're leaving. You want to come say goodbye?
02:04Everybody, this is my successful brother who brings me tons of that juicy music industry business.
02:11Listen, I gotta go, but I'm sending over dessert.
02:13No!
02:14Pecan and praline pie.
02:18Didn't I meet you at the Columbia Records party for Jennifer Lopez?
02:21I don't think so.
02:22My PR firm handled it, but I'm sure I'd remember meeting you.
02:26Well, I guess I just saw you.
02:29Siobhan Williams, artist rep for...
02:30Tommy Boy Records, I remember from the guest list.
02:32You're good.
02:34Samantha Jones.
02:35If you ever need me.
02:37For a party.
02:42Ladies, I apologize for interrupting.
02:44Have a pleasant evening.
02:46You too.
02:46Bye.
02:49Could he be any cuter?
02:50You gotta love a fella who loves the jewelry.
02:53Oh, that is one fine looking man.
02:55I'd like to get me some of that.
02:56Don't talk like that.
02:58Like what?
02:59You know.
02:59Oh, relax with a knee-jerk liberal reaction.
03:02That wasn't black talk.
03:04That was sex talk.
03:05Okay, first of all, it isn't black talk.
03:08It's African-American talk.
03:10And you shouldn't be talking like that at all, Samantha.
03:12It's rude and politically incorrect.
03:14Sweetie, a reminder, Samantha is rude and politically incorrect.
03:16She's an equal opportunity offender.
03:18Precisely.
03:19I don't see color.
03:20I see conquest.
03:21Talk about affirmative action.
03:27The next morning, I had just settled down with a coffee cup full of fresh coffee.
03:31And a coffee table full of fresh fashion magazines.
03:33When...
03:34Who is it?
03:35Mr. Wright.
03:37Have you seen the New York Times style section?
03:39You know I can't handle hard news before noon.
03:42There's a beautiful man downtown selling beautiful furniture.
03:45We're going.
03:46Stanford, I got a whole afternoon planned with Australian Vogue.
03:49I'm not just going to drop everything to go downtown to see some cute guy.
03:53He's straight.
03:53I'll get my purse.
03:55All these people with nothing better to do than ogle some lowly craftsman.
03:58Pathetic.
03:59Really?
04:00Look at this place.
04:01Stuck in but baguettes and faggots.
04:04Ooh.
04:06Ooh.
04:07If you see anything you like, just tell them you're a designer.
04:09These places always give a discount.
04:11That's how I get 50 bucks off my end table.
04:13Oh, jeez, you're a classy guy.
04:14Hi.
04:18His name was Aiden Shaw.
04:20He was warm, masculine, and classic American.
04:23Just like his furniture.
04:25Jesus Christ, the dog is overkill.
04:27Go get him.
04:28Excuse me?
04:29He's perfect for you.
04:31I'll come visit you and the children at your country cabin upstate.
04:34I think we're staring.
04:34Look away.
04:36His name was Marty Mendelsohn.
04:38He was warm, stylish, and classic gay.
04:40Just like his outfit.
04:42He's a fantastic designer.
04:43And single.
04:44Go get him.
04:45I'll come visit you and the swatches at your country cabin upstate.
04:52Hey, doggy.
04:54Hi.
04:55Hi.
04:56Oh.
04:58Okay.
05:00Okay.
05:01Down.
05:02That's bad, doggy.
05:03Down.
05:04Seriously, down.
05:04Hey.
05:06There you go.
05:09You should get that creature a chew toy or something.
05:12Look, to his credit, he only picks the best looking lady.
05:15You can't imagine how flattered I am.
05:17I'm Aiden.
05:19I'm humiliated.
05:20It's my fault.
05:20I shouldn't let him run around loose in the store.
05:22Oh.
05:23This is your store?
05:24I had no idea.
05:26As soon as I heard the lie come out of my mouth, I knew I was kinda interested.
05:34This is a beautiful chair.
05:35This is my favorite piece in the shop.
05:38Oh, you say that about every piece, right?
05:40Hmm.
05:40Not really.
05:42This leather's about a hundred years old.
05:44I stripped it off an old railroad car seat.
05:54I'll take it.
05:55I'll take it.
05:56I wasn't really in the market for a big leather chair.
05:58But suddenly, I had to have whatever it was that I just felt.
06:03Um.
06:04Uh.
06:04I'm a designer.
06:05Carrie Bradshaw.
06:06Carrie Bradshaw designs.
06:08Okay.
06:08Let's see.
06:09With the, uh, designer discount and the dog humiliation factor.
06:15Hmm.
06:17How's that?
06:20How soon can it be delivered?
06:21I can get it to you the end of the week.
06:23In New York City retail lingo, that meant I kinda like you too.
06:27Cool.
06:28I just got a couple questions.
06:29Where do you want it delivered?
06:30And can I take you out to dinner sometime?
06:34Will you knock another ten dollars off?
06:36Hmm.
06:36The dog humping aside, it was one of those perfect New York Saturdays.
06:40I'm back!
06:42And uptown at Miranda's, Steve was having an even better Saturday.
06:46Guess what happened?
06:46It's so fucking great.
06:48What?
06:48You know how at halftime at the Knicks game,
06:50and they pick somebody to try and make a half court shot for a million dollar prize?
06:54Kinda, but go ahead.
06:55Well, next Tuesday, it's fucking me.
06:58They picked my name from the contest I entered at Sam Goody's.
07:02Wow.
07:03Great.
07:03Yeah.
07:04No, Miranda, it's not great.
07:06A million dollars.
07:08It's fucking great.
07:11Yes, Steve, it is fucking great.
07:13But just don't get your hopes up.
07:15It's a kinda tough shot, isn't it?
07:16I'm not after other guys, but they don't have my move, see?
07:19Okay.
07:21You know what the problem here is?
07:23You don't know how good I am.
07:24Don't let these legs fool you.
07:26I'm fucking great.
07:27I like your little legs.
07:29Okay, let's go down to the playground right now.
07:30I'll show you.
07:31No, please.
07:32I believe you.
07:33You've got the moves.
07:34Woo!
07:35No, no.
07:36I don't want no charity.
07:37Seeing is believing.
07:38Next Saturday, you come down to the playground and watch me shoot.
07:41Promise?
07:42Promise?
07:44Oh!
07:45Hey!
07:46That's Ralph Lauren Paint.
07:48Yeah, I'll buy you more.
07:49I'm a fucking millionaire!
07:51Woo!
07:53I have a crush.
07:55Yeah?
07:56Yep.
07:57Good.
07:58You haven't had a real crush in a while.
08:00Not since Big.
08:01Big wasn't a crush.
08:02He was a crash.
08:07His name is Aiden.
08:09And I believe him to be very cute.
08:12So cute.
08:13So cute.
08:13I bought a chair I couldn't afford just because he made it.
08:16Did he ask you out?
08:18He said the chair's a write-off.
08:20I haven't had a crush since Sean Cassidy.
08:23No way!
08:24Sadly, yes.
08:25At this age, I'd have to say I'm crush-proof.
08:28What about Steve?
08:30Oh, God, right.
08:32I forgot about my boyfriend.
08:33Is that normal?
08:34You're asking me?
08:36Steve thinks he's going to win a million dollars.
08:39He told me.
08:40I guess I have to keep repeating it until I believe it.
08:42It's totally illogical.
08:43And then he wants me to be all supportive.
08:45Well?
08:46Well, what?
08:47It's a half-court shot.
08:48They're actual nicks who can't make it.
08:50I would have no trouble supporting him if it was a real dream,
08:52like opening his own bar or something.
08:54But this is just silly.
08:56Isn't that what you couples do?
08:58Support each other's silly dreams?
09:00You're asking me?
09:04Later that week, Siobhan invited Samantha to go uptown
09:07and hear an artist he was thinking of signing.
09:09Back to the line, motherfucker!
09:12That'd be right.
09:13That'd be right.
09:14That'd be right.
09:17That'd be right.
09:19Although Samantha had been in the New York club scene for years,
09:22this was the first time she was expected to spread
09:24without at least the offer, a cocktail.
09:26What the hell?
09:28What the hell?
09:29When I put my nigga off, we kickin' it off!
09:31This right here is DJ O-Man.
09:33Within a matter of minutes,
09:35Samantha felt perfectly at home in Siobhan's world.
09:37Hey, guys.
09:38I'm Samantha.
09:39This is Samantha.
09:41And within a matter of hours,
09:43Siobhan was perfectly at home in Samantha's home.
09:45Do you like this roof?
09:47Hmm.
09:47It's a new kid out of Philly.
09:49I'm surprised it's so soft.
09:50I thought all rap had a harder edge.
09:52It can be hard or soft.
09:54Like you.
09:57I mean, you have so much attitude up front.
10:00Look at you now.
10:02Soft.
10:03Sweet.
10:04Sweet?
10:05Me?
10:07Who do you think you're fooling?
10:09Huh?
10:12You know,
10:14I don't usually sleep with men who have nicer accessories than me.
10:19Where did you get these fabulous earrings?
10:22Tiffany.
10:23Far out?
10:26Hmm.
10:27I hope you can sleep in, Lou.
10:30Sleep?
10:33Samantha rarely asked a man to stay over,
10:35but she just couldn't resist having breakfast with his Tiffany's.
10:40One of the reasons some people still risk the possible horror of a first date
10:44is the possible magic of the goodnight kiss at the front door.
10:48You know my dog, he's obsessed with you.
10:50He kept me up talking all night.
10:53Her leg, man.
10:53Her leg.
10:54Woo!
10:56Finally had to say, Pete.
10:58Let her go, man.
10:59It's over.
11:03I have a confession to make.
11:06Uh-oh.
11:08I'm not a designer.
11:10I'm a writer.
11:13What was that?
11:14Fiction?
11:15I wanted the discount.
11:18It's shameful, but true.
11:21Don't worry.
11:22I only lie about furniture.
11:24Nothing else.
11:27Are you upset?
11:31You smoke?
11:33Oh.
11:34Um.
11:35Just a little.
11:36The minute I heard the lie come out of my mouth,
11:38I realized just how much I kind of liked him.
11:40If it bothers you, I just...
11:45Well.
11:47I had a great time.
11:48Hmm.
11:49Hmm.
11:58I can taste that cigarette.
12:00Oh.
12:01I'm sorry.
12:02I have an Altoid.
12:05Gary, I think you just...
12:06No.
12:07No.
12:07I totally, totally get it.
12:09I have a mint here.
12:10They're curiously strong.
12:12Look.
12:13Here.
12:13Can you just hold that for a second?
12:15Sure.
12:15Thanks.
12:16Sorry.
12:16I don't want to be a jerk.
12:18But I...
12:19I can't date a smoker.
12:22Oh.
12:25So...
12:26Really?
12:30It's a thing I had.
12:31I couldn't believe what my crush was saying.
12:34I was crushed.
12:36Later that night, I couldn't help but wonder.
12:38When the hell did dating become so dump friendly?
12:41What happened to the time when a bad kiss, or a cigarette,
12:44or even a ridiculous dream was just part of a person's portfolio?
12:47In today's volatile dating market,
12:49is it wise to liquidate certain stocks
12:51at the very first sign that they might not perform as well as expected?
12:54Or are there certain things one should try and negotiate?
12:56In relationships, what are the deal breakers?
13:01I think it's really sexy when you lightly touch your lips to mine.
13:06Never one to trade a stock before it had matured,
13:08a determined and patient Charlotte decided to teach bad how to kiss good.
13:13You like that, huh?
13:14Mm-hmm.
13:16And I like it when you slowly open your mouth
13:19and just sort of tickle my lips with the tip of your tongue.
13:33And with just a little gentle negotiating,
13:36Brad's stock suddenly began to rise.
13:46Okay, stop! Stop it!
13:48You're sucking too hard!
13:50And for the record, my mouth is up here!
13:52Is there a problem?
13:53I can't do this!
13:55Brad, you're a bad kisser!
13:58Come on!
13:59It's my thing!
14:03Where are you going?
14:05And downtown at Marty Mendelsohn's,
14:07some other people were experiencing a much more successful first kiss.
14:11Let's move out to the bedroom now.
14:23These are my dolls.
14:25I've been collecting them for years.
14:27I had no idea.
14:31This...
14:33is the Queen of Siam.
14:35She's my favorite.
14:37Bisque China face.
14:39This is a real collector's item.
14:41Uh-huh.
14:43And this...
14:45is Mary, Queen of Scots.
14:49Are they all queens?
14:51No, just the ones from Madame Alexanders.
14:56Help me clear up a bit.
15:02No, no, no.
15:04The southern bell sits on the table.
15:08Stanford wondered if he was enough of a queen to make love to a queen who collected queens.
15:13And uptown at Fusion, Samantha was feeling a bit like the queen herself.
15:17Can I tell you how beautiful you look tonight?
15:23Hey!
15:24What's up, genius?
15:26Genius' overtired ass is dragging all over this food restaurant.
15:31Oh, you know, Aunt Alice and her friends are leaving now in case you want to go pay her respects.
15:34Our favorite aunt.
15:35I have to douche you.
15:36No, no, no, no.
15:37Aunt Alice is out the door already.
15:38You go.
15:39And I'll sit here and talk with Samantha.
15:41Mm-hmm.
15:42Yeah.
15:49So...
15:49How was everything?
15:51Ah, perfection.
15:52Siobhan is right.
15:53You are a genius.
15:54Oh, thank you.
15:56And now I have a non-food related question.
15:59What's going on between you and my brother?
16:01What do you mean?
16:01Well, you've been in here together like two or three times.
16:05Well, we're...
16:05We're dating.
16:06Why?
16:07So you're not just fucking.
16:09Well, not that it's any of your business, but no, we're not just fucking.
16:13We actually really like each other.
16:17No.
16:17I don't want you seeing my brother.
16:19Excuse me?
16:20I don't approve.
16:21But you don't even know me.
16:23Let's not get all personal here.
16:24I'm sure you're a very nice person, but you're white.
16:29And I have a problem with my only brother getting serious with a white woman.
16:32Apparently to Adina, Samantha's...
16:39I'm never going to approve, and my approval means a lot to my brother.
16:43So why don't you just save us all a lot of time and trouble and get out now before anybody
16:49gets hurt.
16:53I'll send over some Mississippi mud pie.
16:57Samantha realized the only place Adina was interested in fusion was on a plate.
17:02Talk about politically incorrect.
17:04She can't diss me just because I'm white.
17:05Please tell me you didn't say diss.
17:07Maybe you should stop saying him, Samantha.
17:08Race is a very big issue.
17:10No.
17:10There is no reason to bring race into this.
17:13Siobhan is a sweet man.
17:14We have great sex, and he happens to have the biggest black cock.
17:18We know he has a big black cock.
17:20I was about to say biggest heart.
17:22But now that you're so interested, yes.
17:24He does have a big black cock.
17:25It's big African-American cock.
17:27Right, Charlotte?
17:28Don't make fun of me.
17:29My chin hurts.
17:30Yeah, exactly what happened there?
17:31He raped my face.
17:32I'm never seeing him again.
17:33To Charlotte York, a black and blue chin was a deal breaker.
17:37Well, I am not about to back down to her.
17:38That is just not who I am.
17:40Yeah, Samantha's right.
17:41She shouldn't have to sacrifice who she is just because somebody else has a problem with it.
17:45It's like me with smoking.
17:46You know, it's too bad that Aiden had a problem with it.
17:49But you have to accept people for who they are.
17:50Wait, you're choosing cigarettes over a cute guy?
17:53He's not that cute.
17:54You bought furniture he was so cute.
17:56Okay, but for him to dump me like that over a little thing like smoking.
17:59Smoking is not a little thing.
18:01It's a dirty, disgusting habit and you're killing yourself.
18:03Thank you, Chin.
18:04Really, Carrie?
18:05We all hate it.
18:06We just put up with it because we love you.
18:07Now you have a reason to quit, so quit.
18:09You know, I really don't appreciate being ganged up on.
18:11Who's ganging up on you?
18:12Smoking is a part of who I am.
18:14I will quit.
18:14When I want to quit and it won't be because some cute guy told me to.
18:18Right, Samantha?
18:19No, honey.
18:20Fighting a battle for Siobhan is one thing, but holding on to those nasty cigarettes,
18:24well, that's just whack.
18:26Please tell me she didn't just say whack.
18:28It's all total bullshit.
18:30What is wrong with cigarettes?
18:32Nothing.
18:33They're fabulous.
18:35It's not like you have a hideous doll collection or something.
18:38You think that's an overreaction to a repressed childhood or something?
18:41Who cares?
18:42It's fucking freaky.
18:43I was willing to overlook his receding hair, but the dollies never.
18:49So it's goodbye, dolly?
18:54It's too bad.
18:55I kind of liked it.
18:56Well, Stanny, if I may call you that, maybe you should reconsider.
19:01When was the last time someone you had a crush on asked you out?
19:05You're no one to talk, Miss Marlboro Lights.
19:07Yeah, you're right.
19:08I am no one to talk.
19:11Maybe I could quit.
19:12You know, just a little.
19:13Until I see what's up.
19:16A2?
19:18Fine.
19:19But I just can't see myself getting all excited because my boyfriend's three-foot lady dye
19:23doll is arriving from QVC.
19:28Okay, books away.
19:29Let's go.
19:29What?
19:30Time to go shoot hoops.
19:31Oh, right.
19:32I can't.
19:33I got behind on this phone.
19:34Ah, no, you don't.
19:35Let's go.
19:35Come on, you promised.
19:36They messengered this overlaid.
19:37It has to be ready first thing Monday.
19:39I don't have time to go watch you shoot hoops.
19:41I asked you to do one thing one time for me and you can't do it.
19:44What the fuck is that?
19:46What the fuck is with the attitude?
19:47You know how many law things I've been to?
19:49How many times I do what you want?
19:50What?
19:51Why are you getting so upset?
19:52It's just a stupid half court shot.
19:54Not to me it's not.
19:58Why do you always have to be so pessimistic?
20:01You can't make that shot.
20:03Steve, come on.
20:04It's not just the shot.
20:05It's everything.
20:06We can't move in together.
20:07This isn't gonna work.
20:08If this is ever gonna work, I need you to believe in us a little more.
20:12I need you to believe in me even if you think it is fucking stupid.
20:25I'm gonna work.
20:26Okay.
20:27Alright hotshot show me what you got.
20:36Nice legs, very nice.
20:40Okay, this is for the big flooding.
20:43Okay!
20:52Steve never did win the big money at Madison Square Garden,
20:55but having Miranda show up for him that day made him feel like a million bucks.
20:59You were robbed! Rob!
21:01You over!
21:03Okay!
21:06Sorry.
21:11Don't get any ideas.
21:13Hey, Pete, let's go.
21:18This really isn't fair.
21:19You know, he was just throwing it over you.
21:23Look, since you negotiated such a good price for me on the chair,
21:26maybe I could negotiate a little deal for you on the smoking.
21:31What kind of deal?
21:33Well, I've been thinking about quitting anyway, so why not now?
21:38Ta-da.
21:40No cigarettes.
21:42Can you do that?
21:43See, I think maybe you think I'm more of a smoker than I actually am.
21:46I only have, like, a cigarette with cocktails.
21:52I'm just about done here. You want to get some coffee?
21:54The second I heard him say coffee, I knew I kind of wanted a cigarette.
21:58I love it.
22:00It was one of those great early dates where you have so much to say
22:03that coffee turns into a movie, a movie turns into a long walk,
22:07and a long walk turns into the beginning of cold turkey rehab.
22:10Want to get a plate to eat some dinner?
22:13I was completely ready to trade in my crush.
22:18Hi.
22:18When it dawned on me just how much I was willing to give up for a cigarette.
22:22Well, maybe a quick bite.
22:40Her name is Sheba.
22:42She's French.
22:44Meanwhile, back in the Valley of the Dolls,
22:46Stanford decided that there was something even more rare than a porcelain French face.
22:50His passion.
22:55No, wait, the dolls!
22:58Yes.
22:59Oh, yes.
23:15To Marty Mendelsohn, a broken face was a deal-breaker.
23:24Adina!
23:25And uptown, Samantha was about to come face-to-face with her own deal-breaker.
23:29Hey, what's up?
23:31You tell me, I just got here.
23:32You know me, Samantha.
23:35So, what's my favorite girl drinking?
23:38Champaig.
23:40Coming right up.
23:44What are you doing here?
23:45I told you I don't want you dating my brother.
23:47Adina, I'm a lovely person.
23:49At least get to know me, then hey.
23:51This is not a game.
23:52This is my brother we're talking about.
23:54You know, for a woman with such a progressive view of world food,
23:56you know, that's business.
23:58This is family.
23:58I don't understand.
24:00What?
24:00I'll say to you, Clay.
24:01I don't care how many Jennifer Lopez-looking dresses you have hanging up in your closet.
24:06You don't belong in here.
24:08You can never understand what I'm talking about.
24:10This is a black thing.
24:12Now, would you please go and leave my brother alone?
24:17As Samantha turned to leave, she suddenly realized this wasn't a black thing.
24:21It was a Samantha thing.
24:23She'd never backed down to a loudmouth bitch before, and she wasn't about to start now.
24:26Excuse me, but no woman, no matter what color, has the right to tell me who I can or cannot
24:31fuck.
24:32Get your little white pussy away from my brother.
24:35Get your big black ass out of my face.
24:37And your okra wasn't all that.
24:45All right, all right, everybody be told, all right?
24:48Keep it real.
24:50Keep it real.
24:51Keep it real.
24:58Seven hours into the world's longest date.
25:00All I could think was five more minutes, and I can dump this bozo and smoke the emergency cigarette hidden
25:04in my purse.
25:05Would you like to see a dessert menu?
25:06I'll take a look.
25:09Oh, my God, I forgot.
25:10I have that deadline.
25:11I have to go.
25:12Oh, wait.
25:12I'll walk with you.
25:13No, I mean, stay.
25:15Enjoy your dessert.
25:15I'm fine.
25:28Oh, no.
25:32Oh, God.
25:38Oh, God.
25:50Carrie.
25:52Carrie.
25:54We got a little problem.
26:01What can I say?
26:03Adina has always been there for me.
26:05I mean, ever since Mom died, it's only been the two of us.
26:11Adina has her issues.
26:13Adina had to go and insult her.
26:14Ooh, so...
26:17You mean the world to me.
26:21But Adina...
26:22Adina...
26:31Samantha knew the real problem wasn't her little white pussy.
26:34It was the fact that Siobhan was a big black pussy who wouldn't stand up to his sister.
26:41And for Samantha Jones, that was the deal breaker.
26:46It was too bad we had to end, but that's the way it goes, I guess.
26:51We had some good times together, and I'm pretty sure we could have had more.
26:56But it's over.
27:03In the end, I really did it for me.
27:06I just hope he's worth it.
27:08Let me be, let me be.
27:10Ooh, no, no, no, no.
27:12I wanna be, I wanna be.
27:17You can count on one hand the things a real New Yorker will wait for.
27:21My list includes the perfect rent-controlled apartment, the chocolate souffle at Le Bernardin,
27:26and the annual Manolo Blahnik sale.
27:30After four sublime dates with the furniture designer whose kiss made my knees weak,
27:35this New Yorker had waited long enough.
27:37So, mister, do you wanna sleep over?
27:41Mm-hmm.
27:43Yeah, feet deep.
27:45I don't wanna get up early in the morning.
27:51Apparently, that New Yorker had not.
27:59People always say when one door closes, another one opens.
28:02At 2 a.m., the door that was opening was Samantha's.
28:14Can you believe it? This is terrible.
28:16What's going on?
28:17What if I can't be the one?
28:18Frida Lusheen and Wendy was held up at gunpoint.
28:21Oh, my God.
28:22We have it under control, ma'am.
28:23We have the suspect on tape.
28:25But how did he get in?
28:26This is supposed to be a safe building.
28:27It was late.
28:28The doorman was off-duty, and apparently he entered behind somebody's guest.
28:31That's awful.
28:34There he is.
28:34Clearly, the guy came in behind the guy who came in, Samantha.
28:37Oh, my, that's terrible.
28:38Who has a guest at 2 in the morning?
28:40I have no idea.
28:44So, what did everybody do last night?
28:46Nothing.
28:47Nothing of note.
28:48I don't want to talk about it.
28:49Why, what happened?
28:50You sleep with someone on the second date?
28:52No, it was the third date.
28:53And it was Alexander Lemley, the investment banker that I met at the Young Art Collector show.
28:57And what, the sex was bad?
28:58No, it was good.
29:00Except, I don't think I can say it.
29:05Oh, get over yourself.
29:07Well, sweetie, what happened?
29:10Well, when he, you know, came, orgasm, shot his wad.
29:16Uh-huh.
29:17He said...
29:17You fucking bitch!
29:19You fucking whore!
29:39You fucking whore!
29:47He wants to marry a whore!
29:49No, what's bad is that even Charlotte is having more sex than I am.
29:51What about Aiden?
29:52What about Aiden?
29:53I don't know what's going on.
29:55Clearly he's attracted.
29:56We're spending a lot of time together.
29:57He keeps asking me out.
29:59But he doesn't want to sleep with me.
30:01Gay.
30:02No, he's not gay.
30:03Mother issues?
30:05No, I don't think so.
30:06Maybe his dick curves to the right.
30:08So if it does, we'll work it out.
30:09I'll go left.
30:10The thing is, I may never know.
30:12Well, you better be careful.
30:13You wait too long to sleep with someone.
30:14You miss the window and become just friends.
30:16As opposed to his fucking bitch, his fucking whore.
30:20Oh, come on.
30:23If Samantha was right, I had very little time left before the relationship window closed forever.
30:28So I wore my very little dress that left very little to the imagination.
30:32Do you want to take this inside?
30:35I better get home.
30:36I gotta do something.
30:37Yeah, yeah, you gotta get up early with the dog, whatever.
30:51What's going on up there?
30:53Do you just want to be friends?
30:55I don't know.
30:56Is that how you kiss your friends?
30:59So why don't you want to sleep with me?
31:02I mean, whatever it is, I'd rather know sooner than later.
31:06I do want to sleep with you.
31:09I do.
31:10Look at you.
31:13But I've been down that road before.
31:15I've slept with women quickly and I'm still single.
31:21So my new thing is, I just want to try to sleep with somebody I care about.
31:30I really think that I could care about you.
31:34And it's only been a week and a half.
31:36Don't people date anymore.
31:39Don't people date anymore.
31:40Why did I expect to sleep with him after only a week and a half?
31:44Had I become so jaded that I didn't even recognize romance when it kissed me on the lips?
31:48Maybe modern women need a cheat sheet to remind us romance isn't dead.
31:56I'm telling you, it didn't even occur to me, which is so depressing.
32:01Is that what 13 years of dating in Manhattan does to a woman?
32:05I'll tell you what it does.
32:06It gives you chlamydia.
32:08Excuse me?
32:08Yeah.
32:10My gynecologist called me today and my test, which he just threw in for good measure, came
32:14back positive.
32:15Yikes.
32:16It's not terrible.
32:17There aren't any symptoms, but it can cause infertility, so I guess it's good I caught
32:22it.
32:22I mean, not that I caught it, but that I found out.
32:26Well, do you think you got it from Steve?
32:27I don't know.
32:28It's the first time I've been tested, so it could be any number of guys, which is what
32:31I said to my gynecologist.
32:32And frankly, she seemed a little judgmental.
32:35She told me that I should contact all the people that I might have given it to so they
32:39can all be treated.
32:40I knew what was bothering Miranda.
32:42It was the same thought that was bothering me ever since the guy I'd been seen for 10
32:46days asked me to slow down.
32:48If you're a 30-something woman living in Manhattan and you refuse to settle and you're sexually
32:52active, it's inevitable that you'll rack up a certain number of partners.
32:56But how many men is too many men?
32:58Are we simply romantically challenged or are we sluts?
33:03It was certainly the question on Charlotte's mind.
33:05So how's your swordfish?
33:06I'm fine, thanks.
33:08You're awfully quiet tonight.
33:11I'm sorry.
33:11My mind is somewhere else.
33:13You fucking bitch!
33:15You fucking whore!
33:16Oh!
33:18So like I was saying, I hate putting people out of work, but that's what happens after
33:20a merger.
33:21I don't know, maybe I should teach ESL on the side or...
33:25Are you sure you're okay?
33:30Actually, what you said the other night kind of bothered me.
33:34I don't know, uh...
33:36What'd I say?
33:37You know, when we were in bed and you...
33:43You yelled out something?
33:45During my sleep?
33:46No.
33:49During sex.
33:51Oh.
33:54I don't remember saying anything.
33:57I remember being very nice.
34:00But what'd I say?
34:04You know what?
34:05It's not important.
34:06I'm sure it was just in the heat of the moment.
34:09Never mind.
34:10Do you want to try some of my swordfish?
34:11It really is good.
34:13By dessert, Charlotte had decided to forget the whole incident and call it a do-over.
34:18You fucking bitch!
34:19You fucking whore!
34:21That!
34:22That's what you said.
34:23What?
34:24Just then, you said it again.
34:26What'd I say?
34:28You fucking bitch!
34:30You fucking whore!
34:31Oh my god, are you sure?
34:35That's terrible!
34:36That's a horrible thing to say!
34:38I had no idea!
34:41I just get lost in the moment.
34:42I certainly don't think that about you.
34:45Hey, hey.
34:47Believe me, Charlotte.
34:48You are sweet and smart and lovely.
34:53You are the kind of woman I hope to marry someday.
34:59And I promise never to say that again.
35:02God, it's terrible.
35:05As Charlotte was starting to feel better, Miranda was starting to feel worse.
35:09Steve.
35:10Hmm?
35:10Can we not?
35:13What?
35:13I'm just getting started here.
35:14I'm only at the neck.
35:15Maybe you're changing mine when I'm down around there.
35:17Elbows.
35:19I can't tonight.
35:20I have chlamydia.
35:25I don't even know what that is, but it sounds like a problem.
35:28It's some...
35:31It's not a big deal.
35:32It's just a sexually transmitted disease.
35:36And I might have given it to you, or you might have given it to me.
35:39Bah, boom.
35:41Look, either way, you should probably get tested.
35:45I'm afraid of doctors.
35:46I don't even have one anymore.
35:48Well, go to the free clinic.
35:50Whatever.
35:50Well, what's going to happen to me?
35:53Does it hurt when you pee or something?
35:54No.
35:54Men are just carriers.
35:56There aren't any symptoms at all.
35:57Then why do I need to know?
36:00Because if you don't get treated, you could pass it on to other people.
36:04But you're my only other person, and you already have it.
36:08Yeah, but see, if you've got it, we'll just keep passing it back and forth.
36:13Plus, I'd rather not sleep with you until this thing is out of my body,
36:16and I've got six more days of antibiotics.
36:17So, would you please just go take care of it?
36:21Just go.
36:23Get it over with.
36:29Steve's trip to the doctor didn't do much to cure his fear of doctors.
36:34Drop your trousers.
36:36Oh, no, there's something going on down there.
36:38I'm just here because my girlfriend said to get the test.
36:41I need a sample from the inside of your penis.
36:44As Steve faced something every man dreads,
36:47Miranda faced something every woman dreads,
36:49she was making a list of all the men she'd slept with,
36:52at least all the ones she could remember.
36:58She started to wonder how she did all these men
37:01and did her law degree and became a successful lawyer.
37:05Samantha knew her number was up there,
37:07but she didn't know everybody else knew.
37:11We know it was you who buzzed in the gunman.
37:14Excuse me?
37:16You always have guests coming in.
37:18Every time I'm in this elevator, you're with a different man.
37:21That's ridiculous.
37:46This is your floor, ma'am.
37:55The next day, Miranda's sex life was flashing before her as well.
37:59Thanks.
38:00Okay.
38:01Sorry to bother you.
38:02And congratulations.
38:03I guess now that you're married,
38:04you don't have to worry about stuff like this.
38:07Bye-bye.
38:11Miss Hobbs, line two's still holding.
38:15Miranda Hobbs.
38:16Hi, it's David returning your call.
38:19Oh, hi.
38:20David, how have you been?
38:21Lousy.
38:22I'm partner now and it's all work, no play.
38:24What do you want?
38:24Ah, well, it's kind of awkward.
38:27Well, I'm kind of busy, so spit it out.
38:28What is it?
38:29Okay.
38:31I've got this...
38:33It's chlamydia, which is like...
38:35I know what chlamydia is.
38:37Oh.
38:38Well, perhaps you should get yourself tested.
38:40I've been tested.
38:42Recently?
38:43Yes.
38:44Is that it?
38:44Uh, I guess.
38:46Uh, no.
38:47Did you have it?
38:48How's that your business?
38:49You called me after months of not talking and wanted to discuss my health?
38:52Yes, I had it.
38:54So what?
38:56So perhaps you gave it to me.
38:58What?
38:58What are you going to do?
38:59Sue me?
38:59You know, you could at least have called me.
39:01Well, you told me never to call you again.
39:02And now I remember why.
39:04Bye!
39:05Meanwhile, I was still waiting for the diagnosis on my relationship.
39:09Would Aiden become friend or boyfriend?
39:12Delivery for Miss Bradshaw.
39:14Well, it's about time.
39:15I ordered this years ago.
39:16Mmm.
39:21He certainly kissed like a boyfriend.
39:25Don't you have two matching plates?
39:27No.
39:29What do you use for wine, promotional coffee, Monks?
39:32But he teased me like a friend.
39:36Oh, come here you go.
39:39Boyfriend.
39:40I don't care what anybody says.
39:42I think Catherine Zeta-Jones is hot.
39:44Friend.
39:46Not as hot as you.
39:48But she's hot.
39:50Boyfriend.
39:51And liar.
39:55I think Samantha was right.
39:57About what?
39:58Me and Aiden.
39:59I think we're just friends who kiss occasionally.
40:02Why are you whispering?
40:04Because he's still here.
40:05Well, that sounds promising.
40:07He's been in the bathroom for half an hour.
40:10Ew.
40:10All we did was eat Chinese takeout and watch Zorro.
40:13And now I'm working and he's reading a paper on the john or something.
40:16This isn't romance.
40:17This is bullshit.
40:18Gary.
40:19Yeah?
40:20Come here a sec.
40:22I have to go.
40:23My friend wants to see me in the bathroom.
40:26What did you want?
40:27Because...
40:34Wow.
40:35It's like a Danielle Steele novel in here.
40:38No.
40:39From a writer.
40:40I'm pretty sure that's an insult.
40:41No.
40:42This is...
40:45Wow.
40:47Well, I thought a bath would help you relax.
40:50You seem kind of tense.
40:51Are you sure this isn't just a cheap ploy to see me naked?
40:55Will you be naked?
40:58That's the thing about baths.
41:01Well, this is about you.
41:03So enjoy.
41:05I'm going to get going.
41:08But that doesn't make us friends, because I'll be thinking about you naked.
41:20Big tub, little person.
41:28You're talking me into it.
41:40So now what?
41:42Now what?
41:42What?
41:43We're just taking a bath.
41:46Oh, fuck it.
41:47Let's just do it.
41:48No!
41:49This isn't how it's supposed to happen.
41:51You said this was just a bath.
41:52Come on, who cares?
41:53You do.
41:54And I do, too, now.
41:57Hey, everybody.
41:58Out of the tub.
42:00The next night, Samantha was feeling exposed.
42:15Good evening.
42:17Hello.
42:31If you want to say something about me, say it to my face.
42:36You're bad for the building.
42:38What?
42:39You have too many visitors.
42:40There are always men in the hall.
42:42I got robbed because of you, Torch.
42:45I can't close my left eye.
42:49They practically chased me with torches like I was fucking Stein.
42:52Oh, relax.
42:52They can't evict you from having sex.
42:54No, of course not.
42:55They're just jealous.
42:56They're a bunch of dried-up old farts who haven't had sex since Eisenhower.
42:59And I remind them of what they can have.
43:02It might be time to move.
43:04No, you can't move.
43:05You have a rent-controlled apartment on the Upper East Side.
43:07Honey, this isn't rent-controlled.
43:08This is life-control.
43:09I have to go.
43:10I have another date tonight with Aiden.
43:11A date?
43:12Don't tell me you're not having sex yet.
43:14We're not having sex yet.
43:15Then what are you doing?
43:16Well, tonight, for example, we're going to a blues club.
43:19Who's singing?
43:20You?
43:21Hmm.
43:21Listen, we'll have sex eventually.
43:23And by the way, I got a little preview.
43:26And I assure you, there is no curving in any direction.
43:29It is straight.
43:30Very, very straight.
43:33That night, Charlotte had a date as well.
43:35And he was doing his best to be the strong, silent type.
43:44What's the matter?
43:46I'm afraid to come.
43:47Oh, what are you talking about?
43:49I'm close.
43:54Go ahead.
43:55You fucking bitch, you fucking whore.
43:58Oh, I hate myself.
44:00What's wrong with me?
44:02That night, Alexander decided to stop seeing Charlotte and start seeing a therapist.
44:08And Steve got his test back.
44:10It was negative, like the rest of the experience.
44:13I'm telling you, that doctor with the swab, ouch.
44:16I don't even want to swab my ears anymore.
44:18Steve, it's my fault.
44:19I'm the one with the disease.
44:21I'm a big, dirty, diseased whore.
44:24Hey, it's my girlfriend you're talking about.
44:27Yeah, well, you know what?
44:30I had to make a list of all the guys I've slept with.
44:33And, uh, it's not short.
44:36No, not short.
44:40It's, no, I can't tell you.
44:42I've never told anybody my number.
44:44What?
44:44I'm just curious.
44:46You promise you won't judge me?
44:48Look who you're talking to.
44:49I spend a day at the free clinic.
44:51Okay, it's like about 42.
44:5642?
44:58That, that's not so bad.
45:00That's too many.
45:00No, it's, it's, it's fine.
45:04What's your number?
45:06No, no.
45:07I'm not telling you.
45:09Come on!
45:11No, it's embarrassing.
45:12I've had enough embarrassment for one week.
45:15What is it?
45:17It's 10.
45:19Higher.
45:2160.
45:24Higher.
45:25Higher than 60?
45:28A lot higher?
45:31Hey, I'm a bartender and I'm cute.
45:36Note.
45:36Men who have had a lot of sexual partners are not called sluts.
45:40They're called very good kissers.
45:43A few are even called romantics.
45:45Well, I can't believe you've never been to the Blue Note before.
45:47Call yourself a New Yorker.
45:49I've never done a lot of things.
45:51I can think of one thing in particular.
45:54Mmm.
45:56Nope, that I've done.
45:58Oh, I can think of one other thing.
46:02What do you think about me staying the night?
46:07Well, I don't know.
46:08What about Pete?
46:09Well, I arranged for the Supers kid to walk Pete and feed him.
46:14And you knew this all night?
46:30And then something weird happened.
46:32For the first time in a long time, I was nervous.
46:36Aidan and I were going to sleep together, and it was going to mean something.
46:40I was no virgin, but this was definitely virgin territory.
47:04The nice thing about a new relationship, it's a clean slate.
47:10What?
47:11And speaking of clean slates, Samantha moved to the hot and trendy meatpacking district.
47:16Morning, ladies.
47:17How you doing, Steve?
47:18Where whores were whores, men were women, and rents were much, much higher.
47:21Okay, bring it right in here.
47:23Easy, that's my best.
47:25Come on.