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00:01There are very few things this New Yorker loves as much as Sunday brunch.
00:05You can sleep until noon and still get eggs anywhere in the city.
00:08Alcohol is often included with the meal.
00:10And Sunday is the one day a week you get the single woman sports pages.
00:14The New York Times wedding section.
00:16This is so depressing. The oldest woman on this page is 27.
00:20I don't want to hear that. Now I'm all depressed and I haven't even had my coffee yet.
00:24Well, at least you have a boyfriend.
00:25That doesn't mean I'm getting married. It means I'm getting laid.
00:28Yes, on a regular basis, no less.
00:30I'll drink to that.
00:31Until recently, the bride, 24, worked as an account supervisor at Ogilvy & Mather, 24.
00:37Okay, honey, no more reading aloud.
00:38I love how they say, until recently, the bride.
00:41Yeah, meaning she quit her job as soon as she found her soulmate slash investment banker.
00:45It's so retro.
00:47Okay, I've got a big rock on my finger and now I can stop pretending to care about my career.
00:52Until recently, the bride had a life of her own.
00:55You know who those women marry?
00:56The Roman numeral guys.
00:58Charles, Duffy, Anderson IV.
01:00Ding, ding, ding.
01:01I find the higher the number, the worse the sex.
01:03I went out with somebody the third who couldn't even get it up.
01:06Imagine how bad Henry VIII must have been.
01:08Yeah.
01:09You give him head, he cuts yours off.
01:12This couple met on a bike tour.
01:14I can barely make it through spinning and all the men in there are gay.
01:17It's amazing how upset women can get over the marital status of strangers.
01:23What was that?
01:24Nothing.
01:26Let me see.
01:27No, nothing to see.
01:28You're such a bad liar.
01:37And then there's the occasional familiar face.
01:40Well, it's official.
01:42He's married.
01:43Where are my home fries?
01:50It's fine, all right?
01:52It's fine.
01:54I was prepared for this, guys.
01:56They had an engagement party at the plaza.
01:59But sometimes engagements break off.
02:01This one didn't.
02:01Let's move on.
02:02I just don't understand why their wedding gets to be like a short story.
02:05Why not just an announcement?
02:06I mean, what's next?
02:06Big Natasha the movie?
02:08It's fluff.
02:09It's PR.
02:09Anybody could be the story.
02:11Anybody who's getting married.
02:13See, this is what I hate about the Sunday Times.
02:15This and all the country houses I can't afford.
02:23So you want to rent a movie or something?
02:24No, Charlotte, it's okay.
02:25I'm not going to slit my wrists.
02:27I know.
02:27I just thought you might want some company.
02:29You know what?
02:30I think I want to be alone.
02:31All right.
02:32I'm just going to take your peace.
02:34Would you stop?
02:35I know what you're going to do.
02:37I mean, you can't not read it.
02:38And you're going to cry.
02:39And it's going to be awful.
02:40So let's just read it now and get it over with.
02:43Okay?
02:44The couple met in Paris on the Ile Saint Louis.
02:47Oh, how original.
02:48They fell in love in Paris.
02:50I was sitting alone at a cafe when the waiter brought over a bottle of their finest Pinot Noir from
02:55a very handsome man at the bar.
02:57The bride said, her brown eyes sparkling.
02:59Ugh.
03:00By the time we finished the wine, I knew I wanted to marry him.
03:03Oh, please.
03:03You were drunk and he was rich.
03:05This is just bad journalism.
03:08Married they did yesterday in Southampton at the bride's parents' estate.
03:12There were only 50 guests.
03:13We wanted to keep it intimate, she said.
03:15Just family and close friends.
03:17Yeah, in the New York Times.
03:18Really?
03:18How intimate is that?
03:19You know what?
03:20I don't hear big anywhere in this article.
03:23Natasha's calling the shots and he's just along for the ride.
03:26The bride carried calla lilies tied with a red ribbon.
03:29Well, that's nice.
03:31And as she walked down the aisle, a saxophone played When a Man Loves a Woman.
03:36Well, that's tacky.
03:39No, that's big.
03:45Jesus.
03:52What I wouldn't give for a working fireplace.
03:56He wasn't the right man for you.
03:58I know that.
03:58I know.
03:59It's not him.
04:00It's the whole wedding.
04:02And it's her.
04:03It's her.
04:04Her.
04:06You know, she's just...
04:09You know, she's shiny hair, style section...
04:13Vera Wang, and I'm...
04:15You know, the sex column they run next to ads for penile implants.
04:34Big wasn't the only one taking the plunge.
04:36After more than a decade of domestic independence,
04:39Miranda had finally opened herself up to a relationship.
04:42Good morning.
04:43With a cleaning lady.
04:45Oh, good morning, Magda.
04:48Do you know where the coffee mugs are?
04:50Oh, I moved them here.
04:52See?
04:53Now all glasses are together.
04:55Oh, sure.
04:56I guess that makes more sense.
04:59Um, you know what?
05:01I always drink my coffee out of my law school class of 90 mug
05:05because it's bigger and, uh...
05:07It's just what I always use.
05:09I bring you nice herbal teas.
05:12Tea is better for you.
05:14Oh, thank you very much, but I prefer coffee.
05:19Why do I have a rolling pin?
05:21It's for you to make pies.
05:24Uh-huh.
05:25It's good for women to make pies.
05:29Do you have a rolling pin?
05:31On me?
05:32In your kitchen.
05:33Are you kidding me? I use my oven for storage.
05:35Okay, my cleaning lady brought me a rolling pin.
05:38It was like she couldn't believe I didn't have one.
05:40I can't believe you have a cleaning lady.
05:42Oh, don't even start. I feel guilty enough.
05:44I hate being home when she's home because I feel like,
05:47if I'm home, I should be cleaning.
05:49Or making pies because, according to her, that's what women do.
05:52Where did you find this person? In a time capsule?
05:54I know!
05:55I don't need to make pies.
05:57I'm practically a partner in a major law firm.
05:59If I want pie, I can buy it.
06:01You know what? I think I made this in a smaller size.
06:05Um, I'll get it for you. Just hand it out to me.
06:08There's no need for you to come.
06:09Carrie?
06:13And there she was.
06:14Mrs. Big. All five foot ten of her.
06:17Hey!
06:19Hi, Natasha.
06:20Um, I, uh, I heard...
06:23Well, I read, um...
06:25Congratulations on the thing. On the wedding.
06:28Um, this is Miranda. She's shopping with me.
06:30Hi. Nice to meet you.
06:32That looks, uh, nice, that, um, what you have on there.
06:35You think?
06:36Yeah, I, uh, need something for this women in the arts luncheon
06:40I helped organize on the steering committee, so...
06:43Oh, really? I'm a member.
06:44Cause, you know, I write.
06:46So I am a woman in the arts.
06:49I go to that lunch every year.
06:52In clothes.
06:55So, you're going then?
06:57Uh, yeah, yeah, I'm going.
06:59Great. I'll see you there.
07:00All right.
07:03Good night.
07:07Oh, my God.
07:08And now, I can't find the invitation.
07:11Well, why did you tell her you'd go?
07:12Because I have a deficit now.
07:14I've talked to her twice.
07:15Once I was in a cowboy hat, and once I was in my bra.
07:18I'm like, freaking, Annie, get your clothes on.
07:20I would just...
07:20I would like her to see me looking normal.
07:23Just normal.
07:24Okay, yes, I would prefer to look amazing, but not like I'm trying amazing, just...
07:29effortlessly striking.
07:30I see.
07:31And will Big be at this event?
07:33No.
07:33It's a Women in the Arts luncheon.
07:35This isn't about Big.
07:36It's about Natasha.
07:37Okay, but it seems like a lot of trouble to go to for a woman.
07:39Can you just help me find out when and where this stupid thing is?
07:42I can do better than that.
07:44I'm coming with you.
07:45Oh.
07:45So now you support Women in the Arts.
07:47I support you.
07:48And honey?
07:49These bitches need to be put in their places.
07:53That night I modeled my entire wardrobe in my head and vetoed everything.
07:57Why did I care so much?
07:59What was it about Natasha that always made me feel like the charity case?
08:03Was it just that she had Big or was this bigger than Big?
08:07I started to wonder.
08:09Are there women in New York who were just there to make us feel bad about ourselves?
08:13For Miranda, that woman was a certain Ukrainian housekeeper.
08:16You're early.
08:18Yes.
08:18Good morning.
08:20Um, did you bring me this?
08:23It's a gift.
08:24Oh.
08:24To make nice of your bathroom.
08:26Thanks.
08:27And, um, did you move my hair dryer?
08:29It used to be under the sink.
08:30In the middle drawer.
08:32Oh.
08:32Last week I organized for you.
08:34No, that drawer doesn't need organizing.
08:36Magda had discovered Miranda's goodie drawer.
08:41Look, I have a boyfriend, so it's not like I'm sleeping with a bunch of different men.
08:46There's one guy, and for a long time there was no guy, and that's why I have the other thing.
08:51Okay?
08:52You like him, this boyfriend?
08:55Yes.
08:56You want to marry this man?
08:59I don't know.
09:01Everybody wants to get married.
09:03I am married 28 years.
09:05Well, we'll see.
09:07I don't know if I want to get married.
09:12God bless you!
09:19I don't need you to bless me.
09:21I don't need God to bless me.
09:24I'm perfectly fine with my life as it is.
09:30It's like I hired my mother.
09:33Luckily, Manhattan has spas, where a woman can pay to feel good about herself.
09:37I just can't believe she opened your goodie drawer.
09:40I mean, everybody knows the nightstand is private.
09:42What do you have in there?
09:44You know, the usual.
09:46Condons, vibrator.
09:47Massage oils, cigarettes.
09:48Nipple clamps.
09:49Really?
09:50Not for me.
09:51For them.
09:52That's freakish.
09:53What's in your goodie drawer?
09:55Robert's rules of order.
09:56They don't have a goodie drawer.
09:58Oh, everybody has a goodie drawer.
09:59I have a goodie closet.
10:00I don't need to know what's in your goodie closet.
10:03Ditto.
10:03Nipple clamps will suffice for today.
10:43I'm not in the mood, Christine. It's too hot.
10:46Then take off your towel and relax.
10:48I don't feel like being relaxed in here.
10:52There goes a woman who desperately needs a goody drawer.
11:00It's not our leg, honey.
11:02What's wrong?
11:03Nothing. I was just hot.
11:05Okay. And?
11:09And I'm just not comfortable being naked in public.
11:14Well, this isn't really public. It's a lady's locker room.
11:18I didn't grow up in a naked house.
11:20Well, I didn't either.
11:22I bet she grew up in a naked house.
11:28She might still live in a naked house.
11:33Oh, Charlotte, sweetie. Who cares how you look to other women?
11:36You don't care because you have a perfect body.
11:38Oh, my God. You're deluded.
11:41Charlotte!
11:42Sweetie, you have a beautiful figure.
11:45Really?
11:45Yes.
11:46Then why was that woman in the steam room looking at me like my thighs were too big?
11:53Samantha always felt good about herself.
11:55But after her 80-minute massage, she felt even better.
12:01I just had the most intense massage.
12:04Kevin goes down on you.
12:06Samantha's was good, but not that good.
12:08Are you serious?
12:10Yes. He's incredible.
12:12You should try him.
12:13Samantha smiled politely.
12:15But a woman with a goodie closet doesn't need to pay for head.
12:18Celia!
12:21Forgot your key.
12:22Oh, thanks, Kevin.
12:26Then again, you can never have too many massages.
12:30Samantha immediately got on the wait list for Kevin's next available appointment.
12:36That night, Steve wasn't available either, so Miranda decided to do the next best thing.
12:50Apparently, Magda was not only cleaning, she was performing an exorcism.
12:56Later that week, I had a religious experience at Manolo Blahnik.
13:02I need your honest opinion.
13:04You can't afford them?
13:05Can I get you something?
13:07Oh, yeah.
13:08I'll have that incredibly rich-looking flowerless chocolate thing and a cafe au lait.
13:15I'll have a fruit cup.
13:17Oh, well, now you're making me feel bad.
13:18No, no, you get what you want.
13:19Thanks.
13:23You know, this place has the best desserts in New York.
13:26The whole point of coming here is to splurge.
13:27I know, but that was a splurge.
13:29Fruit has a lot of carbs.
13:30Okay, is there a new zone book out or something?
13:32I hate my thighs.
13:34The problem is not your thighs, sweetie.
13:36The problem is your head.
13:40Now, about the shoes.
13:42Hold on.
13:44I need these for the Witta luncheon.
13:47Now, the heels are almost high enough to put me face-to-face with Natasha if Natasha wears flats.
13:53But why would she wear flats?
13:55Do you think they make the right statement?
13:58Well, what statement do you want them to make?
13:59I am beautiful and powerful, and I don't care that you're only 25 and married my ex.
14:04I thought you didn't have a complex about how you look to other women.
14:07Oh, no.
14:08It's not a complex.
14:09It's a Natasha-specific obsession, which will be over as soon as she sees me, at the benefit, looking fabulous,
14:15in these shoes, and this dress I saw at Bergdorf's that's going to cost me a month's rent.
14:19Oh, listen to you.
14:21You don't have to prove anything.
14:23You are stunning and intelligent and funny.
14:27And what is she?
14:29Married.
14:29That's all.
14:31You could go to that luncheon, wearing what you're wearing right now, and still be the most incredible woman in
14:36the room.
14:41That afternoon, Charlotte faced her fear.
15:11That afternoon, Charlotte faced her fear.
15:39That afternoon, Charlotte faced her fear.
15:43I'd kill for your breasts.
15:54Meanwhile, Samantha had spent the last half hour face down, picturing Kevin's face down on her.
16:00Is this pressure okay?
16:02Oh, yes.
16:03That is just fine.
16:06Are you ready to turn over now?
16:08I must certainly am.
16:20Is this okay?
16:23Is this okay?
16:32Yes.
16:38Is this okay?
16:41Since they were running out of time, Samantha decided to take the matter into her own hands.
16:49Is this okay?
16:51Apparently, it wasn't.
16:53What kind of person does such a thing?
16:55To molest a trained professional while he's trying to do his job?
17:01Heaven and Rubenstein is a civilized place for civilized people.
17:06I'm sorry, but I cannot allow you to come back here.
17:09I have to protect my staff.
17:11Clearly, she meant Kevin's staff.
17:14Look, this isn't my fault.
17:15I know for a fact that Kevin went down on another customer, and that's why I book the appointment.
17:25The following Monday, Samantha and I were the definition of civilized.
17:29We officially became Ladies Who Luncheon.
17:32I'm telling you, it was entrapment, false advertising, and blatant discrimination.
17:36You can't just randomly go down on one person and not on another.
17:39I paid good money expecting to be eaten up.
17:42This is not the conversation I wish to have as my most amazing self.
17:46Do you see her?
17:47No.
17:48Oh, but I do see Wendy Wasserstein and Gloria Steinem.
17:51Believe me, you look absolutely stunning.
17:53You know what?
17:54I believe you.
17:55Oh.
17:57Hello, Mimi, Ms. Carrie Bradshaw, and Ms. Samantha Jones.
18:03I'm a member.
18:04I just haven't been to an event ever.
18:07It's Bradshaw.
18:10Ah, here you are.
18:12Okay, please wear your name tags.
18:14Last year, we had an unfortunate incident with Joyce Carol Oates.
18:18I'm not really sure the hello, my name is goes with the ensemble.
18:21Hello, my name is fabulous.
18:25Oh, Natasha's not here yet.
18:26Oh, you know what?
18:27Natasha's not coming.
18:28What?
18:29She's got a terrible cold, poor thing, and she didn't want to get everybody sick.
18:32Here are your drink tickets.
18:37I can't believe that bitch is a no-show.
18:40I'm the one who's sick.
18:42I charged another outfit I can't afford, probably bounced the check to a charity just to prove
18:45I'm amazing.
18:46I've never felt less so.
18:47You know, let's just go.
18:49I paid $85.
18:50We're having our two drinks.
18:52What do you feel like?
18:54Um, loser on the rocks.
18:56Give me those tickets.
19:02Who is this, and what is she doing in my bedroom?
19:05It is the Virgin Mary.
19:07And where's my other thing?
19:09What thing?
19:10You know, the thing, the thing.
19:12Don't make me say it.
19:13The thing you moved and replaced with this lady.
19:15And bathroom middle drawer next to a hairdryer.
19:19But no man will marry you if that is by bed.
19:22It means you don't need him.
19:25Magda, what I don't need is another mother.
19:28I have one in Philadelphia, and that's close enough.
19:31I need a housekeeper who will clean my apartment and stop judging me because I'm a 34-year-old
19:36single woman living in New York.
19:37I drink coffee, and have sex, and buy pies, and enjoy battery-operated devices.
19:44If you can't deal with that, I will find another housekeeper who can.
19:52I also head up the committee to match mentors with underprivileged children.
19:56It would be wonderful if you'd be willing to work with some of our kids who want to write.
20:00I write about sex.
20:02Is that something they'd like to learn these kids, writing about blowjobs and stuff?
20:08Or, we can always use help in fundraising.
20:11Carrie, this is Jenna.
20:14Hi, Jenna.
20:15Nice to meet you.
20:16Jenna went to college with Natasha.
20:18Go ahead, Jenna.
20:19Tell her what you told me.
20:21Okay, well, Natasha lived in my dorm freshman year at Tulane, and once she showered with a
20:28guy in a community bathroom.
20:31And?
20:32Oh.
20:33And she gained, like, ten pounds sophomore year.
20:38Wow.
20:39Ten pounds.
20:41Thanks, Jenna.
20:42Okay.
20:44Merry Christmas.
20:46That's supposed to make me feel better?
20:48Six years ago, she was a cheerleader with a weight problem?
20:50Well, it's something.
20:52You had to love her for trying.
20:54Samantha thought a woman could make me feel good by making Natasha sound bad.
20:57But it only made me feel worse.
21:00Another drink?
21:01Another one, and I'll be a lady who loses her lunch.
21:04Well, trust me.
21:05When you get home tonight, you're going to smile about the fact that she was a porker in college.
21:08Ten pounds does naughty porker make.
21:13Uh, you're, uh, Samantha Jones?
21:15Yes.
21:16Oh, we met at Helena Rubenstein.
21:18You're...
21:18Katie.
21:19Lisa.
21:20Look who's here.
21:21It's the woman who got Kevin fired.
21:24Thanks a lot.
21:25Yeah, thanks.
21:26Who's going to fuck me now?
21:27Kevin fucked you.
21:29Turns out I wasn't the kind of member those women in the arts really needed.
21:34And that night, in her spotless apartment, Miranda knew she'd done the right thing taking a stand because of her
21:40nightstand.
21:43Magda realized that while single women in New York never make pies, they sometimes make guys.
21:49A couple of weeks later, I got something in the mail from women in the arts.
21:52It was a thank you for attending, signed by Natasha.
21:56Game over.
21:57I had to accept the fact that in life, some women are simply better, and no amount of shoes or
22:02lack of pastry or making of pies will change that.
22:05I will never be the woman with the perfect hair who can wear white and not spill on it.
22:09And chair committees and write thank you notes.
22:12And I can't feel bad about that.
22:14Sorry, I couldn't be there.
22:17T-H-E-I-R.
22:22But I could feel good about this.
22:29Hello?
22:30Miranda.
22:32It's a good thing she got married.
22:34The woman's an idiot.
22:39It's been said that New Yorkers are the most jaded people in the world.
22:43I want to go out!
22:44I want to go out!
22:45I want to go out!
22:46I want to go out!
22:46I want to go out!
22:46I want to go out!
22:46I want to go out!
22:47I want to go out!
22:47The fact is, we've pretty much done and seen it all.
22:50It takes quite a bit to shock us.
22:54Which is why, when Charlotte said the news showed her gallery would totally blow us away,
22:58we took it with the proverbial grain of salt.
23:00Seriously?
23:02That's a woman?
23:03It was the latest installation from the photographer Bear Johnson entitled,
23:07Dry Kings, The Collision of Illusion and Reality.
23:11Yep.
23:12That's the woman.
23:13Look at that bulge.
23:15It's shocking.
23:16Yeah, I know.
23:17Hurry up and look before Giuliani shuts it down.
23:19So, what do you guys think?
23:21It's amazing.
23:22Congratulations.
23:23You know, women dressing like men is very popular right now.
23:26And here I thought it was Pokemon.
23:28Who knew it was this easy?
23:29All it takes is some stick-on sideburns and a sock in your pants.
23:32That's some sock.
23:34I've always had a thing for cowboys.
23:36Reminder, John Wayne's a Jane.
23:39Oh my God.
23:40I'm attracted to her.
23:42Maybe I'm a lesbian.
23:43I want to stay to the guy who liked to wear my underwear,
23:46but I've never gone the other way.
23:48See, when you're gay, everyone can wear everyone's underwear.
23:50That's hygienic.
23:51Oh, I bet being a drag king would be fun.
23:53Oh, please.
23:55I have enough trouble figuring out how to be a woman in a man's world
23:58without trying to be a woman pretending to be a man in a man's world.
24:01Well, at least you wouldn't have to wax.
24:03And by the way, if you ever change your mind,
24:05you've got cop written all over you.
24:06Really?
24:08So am I rich yet?
24:09Getting there.
24:10Everyone, this is Baird, the artist.
24:12Hi.
24:13These are my friends.
24:14What inspired you to do this?
24:16I feel we have dual powers within each of us.
24:20Men could be very female, and women could be very male.
24:24Gender's an illusion.
24:26Sometimes a very beautiful illusion.
24:29You know, I'm going to go get a canapé.
24:33Because I'm starved, so, I mean, not that a canapé is a meal,
24:37but, you know, in a pinch.
24:39Excuse us.
24:46Okay, what was that about?
24:47Nobody loves canapés that much.
24:49Makes me nervous.
24:50The drag king stuff?
24:51No, I think he's...
24:53So ask him out!
24:54Oh, I can't.
24:55You know me, I can never make the first move.
24:57Sounds like someone needs a sock in the pants.
25:01Well, I'm going to drag myself home.
25:03You want to share a cab?
25:04No, I'm meeting Sean.
25:05Oh, the young guy?
25:06He's not that young.
25:07Carrie, he's 26.
25:08His generation has a totally different letter than ours.
25:11Oh, who cares?
25:12Age is an illusion.
25:14Good night.
25:15Good night.
25:17Later, Miranda was shocked to find her apartment
25:19had undergone a gender transformation of its own.
25:22Hey!
25:23What are you doing here?
25:24I still got your cake when I fed your cat that time.
25:27I know that it's Chinese.
25:28I didn't think we were seeing each other tonight.
25:30Nah, why didn't I see any other boyfriend, were you?
25:32Well, now you've ruined that.
25:35This is what we're watching?
25:37Give me that!
25:38We'll find a three-pointer, but somebody manage...
25:41...will be...
25:42Hey, easy, Chief.
25:44You're making my brain hurt.
25:46Did you have to work tonight?
25:47Not until time.
25:49And I got stuff here I can change into.
25:51Right.
25:55But I got till time.
26:02Miranda absolutely loved the man inside of her.
26:05She just didn't love him inside her apartment all the time.
26:29Come on.
26:30Come on.
26:31The ice waits for no woman.
26:32I'm practicing my triple sal cow in my head.
26:35A little while later, and I was being dragged around by Sean, my Generation Something Else date.
26:40We met at a downtown party celebrating a new internet magazine that Sean was running and that I still couldn't
26:45find on my computer.
26:46No, no, no! Oh, seriously, stop!
26:49I'm guessing it's easier to balance when you're not smoking.
26:52Smoking is the only thing that keeps me balanced.
26:56Doesn't this place rock?
26:59You have to give me a little credit for an original date.
27:02I don't believe it's officially a date without cocktails.
27:07My coach is going to kill me.
27:17Half a flask of Jim Beam later, Sean and I had really broken the ice.
27:22Or at least my ass had.
27:23Man, that last fall was at least a 9.2.
27:25Oh, you and the Russian judge. Tough.
27:28There was something about him.
27:29He was sexy, charming, sexy, coordinated.
27:34Nothing about him or our third date was feeling typical.
27:36So, Kerrigan, when was your last serious relationship?
27:40Until then. There it was. The inevitable third date question.
27:45Ooh. Bad question?
27:47Want to take another spin around the death rink?
27:50No, it's fine. It's fine.
27:53I ended something a while ago.
27:56Two years of a lot of back and forth.
27:58You know, apparently we weren't Y2K compatible.
28:01What about you?
28:02Well, before you, there was Kayla.
28:04Really neurotic. Last of the year.
28:06And before her, Leslie couldn't commit.
28:08And before Leslie, there was Mark.
28:12Is that a problem?
28:16He's a bisexual.
28:17Well, I could have told you that, sweetie.
28:19He took you ice skating, for God's sake.
28:21The weird thing is, he was so open about it.
28:24You know, hi, I'm a bisexual.
28:25Like, um, hi, I'm from Colorado or something.
28:28I don't think you're allowed to be bisexual in Colorado.
28:31Is that a problem?
28:32I mean, what kind of question is that?
28:33Is that a problem?
28:34Of course it's a problem.
28:36What did you say?
28:37I said it wasn't a problem.
28:39I panicked. He's such a good kisser.
28:41You know, that generation is all about sexual experimentation.
28:44All the kids are going bi.
28:46So what, if all the bi kids are jumping off a bridge, you're going to do that too?
28:49I'm a trisexual. I'll try anything once.
28:51When did this happen?
28:53When did the sexes get all confused?
28:55Somewhere between Gen X and Gen Y, they blended and made XY.
28:59You know, I did the, uh, date the bisexual guy thing in college.
29:03But in the end, they all ended up with men.
29:05So did the bisexual women.
29:07Which explains why there are no available men left for us.
29:10Oh, jeez. Maybe I do have a problem with this.
29:15I'm an old fart.
29:17Correction, a hot old fart.
29:19I'm not even sure bisexuality exists.
29:21I think it's just a layover on the way to gay town.
29:24Isn't that right next to Ricky Martinville?
29:26You know, I think it's great.
29:28He's open to all sexual experiences. He's evolved.
29:31It's hot.
29:32It's not hot. It's greedy. He's double dipping.
29:35You're not marrying the guy. You're making out with him.
29:37Enjoy it. Don't worry about the labels.
29:39Oh, you're right. You're right.
29:40I'm very into labels. Gay, straight.
29:43Pick a side and stay there.
29:45Hey, sister. Where are you going?
29:47Home.
29:48I've got a date with my remote control.
29:51Steve's playing basketball.
29:52That means at least three hours of blissfully uninterrupted alone time.
29:56What about my problem?
29:57Stop kissing him.
30:01Easy for her to say.
30:04That night, I couldn't get Samantha's words out of my head.
30:07Was Sean's generation onto something?
30:10Was sexual flipping the wave of the future?
30:12And if it was, could I play that game or was I over the hill?
30:16If women can transform into men and men can become women and we can choose to sleep with
30:20everyone, then maybe gender doesn't even exist anymore.
30:24If we can take the best of the other sex and make it our own, has the opposite sex become
30:30obsolete?
30:31Don't bust my balls here, Mitch.
30:33You call yourself a fucking headhunter?
30:34Then get me a decent assistant.
30:36Yeah.
30:37I'm looking for Mrs. Jones.
30:40It's Miss.
30:41I'm here for the assistant jail.
30:43Well, please.
30:46Come in.
30:47Samantha hired Matt five minutes later.
30:50She may have been the man of the office, but she figured she could always make room for
30:53one more.
30:55Meanwhile, downtown, Charlotte could have used some help herself.
30:58Someone's being industrious.
31:00Oh.
31:01Marita, hi.
31:02I didn't really come in.
31:04I was in the neighborhood, so I thought I'd come by and scare the shit out of you.
31:07Pick up my check for the pieces I sold.
31:14Here.
31:15Thanks.
31:16Oh, there's something else.
31:17I've been thinking about this.
31:20I would love to have you pose for me.
31:23As a man?
31:24Yeah.
31:25You'd be great.
31:27No.
31:28I don't think so.
31:29Why not?
31:31Well, I'm not, you know...
31:32What, a model?
31:34No, butch.
31:35You'd be surprised, Charlotte.
31:36Every woman has a male inside of her.
31:39Even you.
31:41No.
31:42Not me.
31:43I'm really bad at math, and I can't change a tire to save my life.
31:48Pose for me.
31:49I'll get it out of you.
31:52Come on.
31:53Be a man.
32:00The next night, Sean took me to a club so new, even I hadn't heard of it.
32:06What's the name of this place?
32:08Hair.
32:08Like the musical.
32:09Like the stuff on your head.
32:11Oh.
32:12You're too cool for me.
32:13You're too cute for me.
32:15Ten seconds of making out, and I could almost forget Sean's lack of sexual orientation.
32:20Until we stop kissing.
32:28Okay, mister.
32:29What are you checking out?
32:29The guy or the girl?
32:31Carrie, I was looking for the bathroom.
32:34Oh.
32:35Sorry.
32:36I'm sorry.
32:37I'm sorry.
32:38This whole, uh, this whole bisexual thing, it's just, it's kind of throwing me for a loop.
32:43I know you've been with men, you've been with women.
32:46Wait, seriously.
32:48Are you just looking at that guy?
32:50Carrie.
32:51I'm looking at you.
32:53I'm with you.
32:54I dig you.
32:56Oh, dig is in again?
32:57Yeah.
32:57And so is Groovy.
32:59And you're that, too.
33:00So you're not gay.
33:01I'm not gay.
33:02I've been in three major relationships, one happened to be a guy, okay?
33:05That's just me.
33:14An hour later, Sean was in my bed.
33:17That's just me.
33:22Nice floor.
33:24Oh, thanks.
33:24It's a rental.
33:32What?
33:33No.
33:34Tell me or I'll make you go skating again.
33:45The way he's better than the guy.
33:48Better than any I've kissed.
33:50How about me?
34:08Really good-looking guy, walking towards you.
34:12And across the street was a really beautiful girl.
34:16Hey, Carrie, come on.
34:19Could you stop making this all about sex?
34:22It's not, you know?
34:23It's about the person.
34:24You.
34:25I'm crazy about you.
34:27The way you smell.
34:29The way your upper lip tastes.
34:34It may not have been all about sex, but it was for the next two hours.
34:41I wasn't the only one with thoughts of younger men on the brain.
34:44No.
34:45You listen to me.
34:46We've called your boss three times already.
34:48I'm not leaving word again.
34:49Okay?
34:50Give him that message.
34:52Hello?
34:53Hello?
34:55What are you doing?
34:55Matt, that is not how I do business.
34:57That bitch makes me crazy.
34:58I don't care.
34:59These are important clients.
35:00You can't talk to them like that.
35:02Do you want them to call you back by now?
35:04Maybe I need to remind you that I am the boss here.
35:07So fire him.
35:08I just think you deserve some respect, that's all.
35:13Put this in the Fargus Benefit file.
35:18Samantha found Matt's boyish arrogance annoying, unprofessional, and incredibly hot.
35:27Meanwhile, Miranda was having her own problem sharing a confined space with the other sex.
35:35Hey.
35:36What?
35:38What's going on?
35:40You're on my side.
35:42My pillow.
35:43My guest pillow.
35:46Okay.
35:47Um, I'll tell you what.
35:50Tomorrow, we'll go buy some paint and we'll draw a line down the middle for you.
35:58Go to sleep.
36:04That pile, your stuff, you have to keep it neater.
36:08Well, maybe if you could spare a drawer or a box or something, I could keep my underwear out of
36:13the way.
36:14You want a drawer.
36:24Actually, I'd like to move in.
36:25Most single women dream of this moment.
36:29Most single women but Miranda.
36:31Well, okay, where did that come from?
36:37Well, I'd have been thinking about it.
36:40We have a great time together.
36:42We're practically living together anyway.
36:43Yeah, but we're not.
36:49Look, we just started dating again.
36:53There's no need to go at warp speed here.
36:55I mean, nobody's dying, and I'm sure every book would say that we're not ready.
37:00I mean, you're here all the time.
37:02No problem.
37:04Now get out of your hair.
37:06I'll leave the key.
37:07No, no, don't leave the key.
37:08I, I, I, I, take the key.
37:10I just, I need my space.
37:12I, I, I feel like I'm being suffocated.
37:17Jesus, Miranda.
37:18You know, it's like you're the guy sometimes.
37:25Faced with relationship problems, some women turned to fried food.
37:29Miranda decided to turn to Manhattan's latest fitness craze, the goddess workout.
37:33All right, ladies, open up your chakras.
37:36Let the inner goddess sing.
37:40She's in there.
37:40All you have to do is let her out.
37:42This is going to help you be a woman.
37:44I'm going to find my inner goddess if it kills me.
37:46And pop your hip.
37:48Pop your hip.
37:50Open yourself like a lotus flower.
37:53Come on, pop your hip.
37:56Pop your hip.
37:59You see?
38:00My hips don't pop.
38:02I'm a guy.
38:03You're insane.
38:04This isn't helping me find my inner goddess.
38:06This is making me find my inner humiliation.
38:08And reach back, ladies.
38:09Reach for the stars.
38:14Oh.
38:18You know what?
38:18We're out of here.
38:19Yeah.
38:24I'm never going to be a girly girl.
38:25I never will.
38:26I'm never going to be a lotus flower.
38:28And may I just say thank God?
38:30A girly girl would want her boyfriend to move in.
38:32Yeah, she also wears makeup to the gym.
38:34And makes little hearts above her eyes.
38:39I do love him.
38:41I do.
38:42I know, sweetie.
38:43So what's my problem?
38:45I think in any relationship, one person's the alpha dog.
38:48The one that's in charge.
38:49That's you.
38:50You don't want to share your water dish.
38:52But I'm very free with the chew toys.
38:54That you are.
38:57Miranda arrived home later to an empty apartment.
39:02And for the first time, she really didn't like it.
39:08While Miranda and I worked out our inner goddesses, Baird was working the mail out of Charlotte.
39:13Yeah.
39:14You look great.
39:17I'm sorry.
39:18I can't.
39:19I can't do this.
39:22Just relax.
39:24Okay, let it go.
39:25Forget Charlotte.
39:26You're a man.
39:28You're a hot guy.
39:30You can get any woman you want.
39:31You're rich.
39:32You're powerful.
39:33You eat guys like me for lunch.
39:36How are you feeling now?
39:39They think I need a bigger sock.
39:43I think they do, too.
40:03Better?
40:07Who knows whether it was the sock or the suit or Baird.
40:11But suddenly, Charlotte wasn't just a chick with a dick.
40:14She was a chick with balls.
40:24Unfortunately, the two alpha dogs in Samantha's office were not getting along as well.
40:28These invitations need to go to the printers ASAP.
40:32Yeah, okay.
40:32I'll get to it.
40:34Now.
40:34Drop them at 72nd Street and then pick up lunch.
40:36They're in opposite directions.
40:38I'll get lunch first.
40:39No.
40:40Invitations first.
40:41Fine.
40:42Then I'll be an hour late.
40:43Do you realize that you are my assistant?
40:45Your job is to do what I say, no matter what.
40:48I know what I'm doing.
40:50And I know better.
40:51You ask us who?
40:53Me.
40:53And who the hell do you think you are?
40:55Your boss.
40:58Samantha Jones, PR.
41:00Now.
41:01I don't know when she will.
41:03Yeah, well, she's been busy.
41:05Yeah, you have a shitty attitude, too.
41:07On FYI, your parties suck.
41:11Well, the bad news is you're fired.
41:13The good news is, now I can fuck you.
41:17Samantha discovered the only place she and Matt worked well together was in bed.
41:21Fuck me on the desk.
41:25Not my chair.
41:26No.
41:26On the desk.
41:28With Sam on top.
41:29Naturally.
41:31That night, Miranda invited Steve over for pasta all detente.
41:35Hi.
41:36I'm late.
41:37I know I'm late.
41:38Hey, it's okay.
41:39No, it's not okay.
41:40I was going to make you dinner and then this conference call went over like two hours.
41:44And I went to the market and the recipe calls for extra virgin olive oil and they only had virgin.
41:48And how the hell do I know the difference since they don't even cook so I just scrapped the whole
41:51thing and got the stuff in a jar and I'm late.
41:55Don't move.
41:56It's glass.
42:00I can't.
42:01I can't do this.
42:02Of course you can't.
42:03We'll order pizza.
42:04It's no big deal.
42:05It's a big fucking deal.
42:06I just spilled marinara sauce all over myself and you're here and you saw that and I dropped things.
42:11Okay?
42:11Okay.
42:13So do I.
42:15I do love you.
42:18But I've never lived with anybody before and I'm stubborn and I like the remote and I can't cook and
42:26I don't do laundry sometimes for like two weeks and my sponges smell and you're going to see all that
42:32and I'm scared and I don't know if I can move forward but I really don't want to lose you.
42:41I don't want to lose you.
42:47I'm not going anywhere.
42:56Crying on your shoulder.
42:57Jesus, I guess I really am a woman, huh?
43:00A week later, Miranda's man moved into her place.
43:03The same day that Charlotte moved her man into her place.
43:07She never saw Barrett again.
43:08She was too embarrassed about how forward she'd been.
43:11She realized she might have been that type of guy, but she'd never be that type of woman.
43:1780 blocks downtown and five flights up, Sean and I had almost made it to the party.
43:23I swear, one more floor, promise.
43:26If there's no vodka at the end of this, it's your head.
43:29Take it easy, dude.
43:30We're here.
43:31Okay, dude.
43:37Okay, so whose party is this?
43:39Mark.
43:40Oh, Mark ex-boyfriend man?
43:42Is that a problem?
43:44It's his boyfriend's birthday.
43:47It was definitely a first.
43:50I was attending a party of my sort of boyfriend's ex-boyfriend and his boyfriend.
43:55Hey!
43:56Hey!
43:57Gary, this is Mark and his boyfriend, Garth.
43:59Partner, nice to meet you.
44:01This is our baby, Isabel.
44:02Two L's, no E.
44:05Okay.
44:06Happy birthday.
44:07Oh, thank you.
44:07Thanks.
44:08This is Dawn and Grace.
44:10Hi.
44:10They just got married in Hawaii.
44:12Oh, congratulations.
44:14It was totally spur of the moment.
44:16Yeah, I didn't want a big wedding like my first.
44:18It wasn't so bad.
44:19It was being married to you.
44:21That sucked.
44:21Oh, no.
44:23Oh, so you two were married.
44:25Right, yeah, for like a year.
44:26We were high on E for most of it, though.
44:28Otherwise, it would have been miserable.
44:29Hey, don't forget who gave me that egg there, buddy.
44:31Oh, and this is our token straight friend, Joel.
44:34Are you wearing the leather?
44:36Oh, well, yes, I am.
44:37And thank you for noticing.
44:38Hey, Gary, why could I get you?
44:39An hour later, I had almost gotten it straight.
44:42Okay, so Grace once dated Brett.
44:46And Brett used to live with Joel?
44:47Seven-kartene.
44:48And you slept with Dawn?
44:50Before she was with Mark.
44:52Naturally.
44:53Gay, bi, straight.
44:54This party was a veritable poo-poo clatter of sexual orientation.
45:02Time to play.
45:06Play what?
45:07Spin the bottle.
45:08Wait, wait.
45:09Seriously, seventh grade, spin the bottle that one?
45:11Yes, come play.
45:12It's fun.
45:12Come on, it's fun.
45:16It's fun.
45:31Get a room.
45:34Get a dental stand.
45:36Get a room.
45:38Get a dental stand.
45:40Get a room.
46:01Oh, whoops. It's a girl. Try again.
46:04It's okay.
46:05Of course it was okay. I was in Alice in Confused Sexual Orientation Land.
46:12I realized I had a choice. I could stand up and walk out and prove I was an old fart,
46:17or I could fall down the rabbit hole.
46:46And so I fell. It wasn't bad. Kind of like chicken.
46:55Hey, where are you going? What's your spin?
46:57Just... more cigarettes.
47:02That was the last night I saw Sean.
47:04I realized they could do whatever they wanted, but deep down, I was too old to play this game.
47:10So I took my hot, old fart ass home.
47:14That's just me.
47:15Okay.