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00:02Everyone has a worst nightmare. For some, it's bathing suit season. For others, it's knowing your birth certificate can never
00:10be legally destroyed. For Miranda, it was family hour at her gym.
00:27On Sundays, the whole neighborhood became occupied territory under siege to children. They were everywhere. Movie theaters, restaurants, bookstores, hair
00:34salons. Starbucks was basically a stroller parking lot. Was it too much to hope for one small space to call
00:41her own?
00:44Don't touch it. Don't touch it, please.
00:47Is there a problem?
00:48No, no, it's just that he really likes to push the button.
00:51Okay, fine. I'm in kind of a rush. Push one?
00:53Oh, Simon, see this very pretty lady said that you can push the button.
00:57Oh.
01:00So sorry.
01:01I'm sure it's just a phase.
01:03Yeah, the guilty over-indulgent phase of a D-I-V-O-R-C-E.
01:07Oh.
01:11Daddy!
01:12Simon, we're not being very nice to, um...
01:15Miranda.
01:16Miranda.
01:18Sounds kind of like a princess name, doesn't it?
01:20Stop talking.
01:24I'm going to bite you.
01:26Do you want to go to the toy store later?
01:28Yes.
01:28Well, then don't bite me.
01:32See, I'm in violation of every parenting book ever written.
01:35Hmm.
01:37Do you have kids?
01:37Uh, no.
01:38Married?
01:41Well, here we are.
01:42At last.
01:45Any chance I could persuade you to take another ride?
01:55His name was Roger Cobb, and it only took him another floor and a half to ask Miranda for her
02:00phone number.
02:01The whole thing might have been very romantic if Simon hadn't peed in his pants.
02:06I don't wear vintage clothes.
02:07I hate flea markets.
02:09I don't collect antiques.
02:10Is it too much to ask that he not be, I don't know, used?
02:13Okay, before it goes any further, just make sure his parts are still under warranty.
02:17It's like chewing somebody else's gum.
02:19Well, divorced men do come with baggage.
02:21Yeah, baggage is one thing, but when they come with kids.
02:23Especially kids with bladder control issues.
02:26Here's what I think.
02:27Round up all the divorced men and keep them in a pound.
02:30That way you get their whole history before you take one home.
02:33Just because a man is divorced doesn't mean he has a problem.
02:35Like my brother Wesley.
02:36He's just separated from his wife, Leslie.
02:38And he's...
02:39Wesley and Leslie?
02:41I don't think so.
02:42What is that?
02:43Marriage by Mother Goose?
02:44Definitely a candidate for the pound.
02:46Okay.
02:47I was going to ask you all to meet him because he's coming to visit me and now, forget it.
02:51No, no, no, honey.
02:51We want to meet Wesley.
02:52Of Wesley and Leslie.
02:54And P.S.
02:55Does he work for Nestle?
02:57My brother is very important to me and I'm not going to have him subjected to scrutiny
03:01and ridicule.
03:03I'll be scrutiny.
03:04You'll be ridicule.
03:05I always have to be ridicule.
03:06Why can't you be ridicule for once?
03:07I know.
03:10As for me, rather than sort through the half off bin, I was dating someone brand spanking
03:14new.
03:15I met Bon Wiesel at a pen luncheon a month ago.
03:18It's amazing how much better looking fiction writers have become.
03:22Still for a movie?
03:23Yeah, I just got to drop these books by my parents' place.
03:25It's on the way.
03:27Hey, GQ called.
03:29Really?
03:29They want you to write something?
03:31No, they want me to wear something.
03:33It's so great to be a writer these days.
03:34There's still little writing involved.
03:36Just not who's photographed in anything sleeveless.
03:38No one who went sleeveless ever won a Pulitzer.
03:41It's just a little tip from me to you.
03:45Hey, wow, nice townhouse.
03:47Come on in.
03:47Let's only take a sec.
03:48Oh, no, no, no.
03:49Oh, God.
03:49No, I'm really, I'm not trust your family.
03:50Can you just maybe drop them through the mail slot?
03:52If I'm here and I don't at least say hello, I'm looking at two months minimum hard family
03:56time.
03:57All right.
03:58All right.
03:58Yeah.
03:58Okay.
04:02Mother, I swear you're the only person who can kill a cactus.
04:07Hey, Vaughn.
04:08Zoe, this is Carrie.
04:09Yeah, tell your sister to stop bringing me plants and get suicidal around me.
04:13I have to talk them down from the ledge.
04:15Vaughn.
04:16Those books you asked me to sign?
04:17Oh, great.
04:18Yeah.
04:19Duncan, Vaughn's here.
04:20Yeah, and he brought a girl.
04:22Well, hi.
04:23Wallace, why sell?
04:24Hi.
04:25Say, have we met?
04:26No, no, I don't think so.
04:28Carrie Bradshaw.
04:29Oh, my God.
04:31Duncan, get your ass in here.
04:33I just love, love, love your column.
04:36Oh.
04:36Well, I love, love, love to hear that.
04:39Mom, we can't stay.
04:41The hell you can't.
04:42You know what you should write about?
04:43Re-virginization.
04:45Did you know that there are women who are actually having their vaginas re-stitched to
04:50make them like new again?
04:52Well, aren't they clever?
04:53In case you're wondering, Mom just finished making a documentary on genital mutilation.
04:56Which I still haven't gotten your notes on.
04:58Mom, I told you.
04:59I can't bring myself to look at that fucking thing.
05:01And I typed all his short stories for him when he was 12.
05:05Duncan, look.
05:06Do you know who this is?
05:07Carrie Bradshaw.
05:08She writes that column we love.
05:10What are you doing Thursday night?
05:12Um, laundry?
05:14I teach a seminar at Columbia on cultural zeitgeist.
05:17I'd love to have you come speak.
05:19Mr. Self involved here.
05:20Didn't tell us he was dating an icon.
05:22Icon?
05:23Oh, you are an icon.
05:24You are.
05:25Hey, who brought a girl?
05:26Oh, this is my other sister.
05:29Franny, this is Carrie.
05:30Hey, what's up?
05:31Hey, what's up?
05:32Hey, Mom.
05:33Hi, sweetie.
05:34Franny and Zoe?
05:36What can I say?
05:37J.D. Salinger used to get me high.
05:39And then she called me at 3 a.m.
05:41I love you.
05:42I love you.
05:43Good for you, Vaughn.
05:44Beautiful.
05:45And she thinks I'm funny.
05:46You're hilarious.
05:47Put your tongue back in your head and the locks on the table, please.
05:51Come on, everybody.
05:52Let's have something to eat.
05:53Come on.
05:53Yeah.
05:53Look, we have to go.
05:55Oh, you don't.
05:56Oh, come on.
05:57Please.
05:58We can stay.
05:59We'll stay.
06:00Great.
06:00Oh, good.
06:01I mean, really, within the space of five minutes, I had next week's column, an invitation
06:06to speak at an Ivy League university, and access to the entire Zabar's fish counter.
06:11Leave now?
06:12Was he nuts?
06:13Have a good night.
06:13Have a good night.
06:17Have a good night.
06:17Have a good night.
06:17Have you ever gone out with someone who had a kid?
06:20No, but I've never gone out with someone I met on an elevator, either.
06:24Well, that's a first for me, too.
06:25There was a woman I met on an escalator once, but it didn't last long.
06:28It was over by the time we got to ladies' lingerie.
06:30I dated a man once who wore ladies' lingerie.
06:33That was kind of the problem.
06:34There.
06:35I'm kidding.
06:37Because I'm wearing panties now.
06:39You're kidding, right?
06:41Yeah!
06:42Ow!
06:43Daddy, look what I found!
06:44Did you say you're sorry?
06:45No!
06:46No, no, no!
06:48Fortunately, I mostly use the right side of my brain.
06:56It must be hard, having a social life as a single parent.
06:59Well, yeah, it is.
07:00I've got to buy protective helmets for all my dates.
07:02Yeah!
07:02Where's mine, by the way?
07:04Well, the truth is, I never really had a great social life before Simon, either.
07:08I'm just one of those weird male aberrations who prefers to be married.
07:13I mean, I like stability.
07:15I like routine.
07:16I like knowing there's people waiting for me at home.
07:19I guess that makes me sound pretty dull.
07:21Are you kidding?
07:23You're the heterosexual holy grail.
07:26Miranda began to wonder how a vintage man might look on her modern couch.
07:32Here, here, here, here.
07:34Oh!
07:35Oh!
07:35Thank you!
07:37Probably not the best time to ask you at dinner.
07:39While Miranda was dealing with queasiness, Charlotte was handling depression, which of course she felt could be solved with a
07:46homemade muffin.
07:46There you go.
07:47Just like Nana used to make.
07:49Charlie, the muffins are great, but I'd much prefer a nice dry martini.
07:52But Nana always made muffins to cheer you up.
07:55Well, that was pre-Leslie.
07:56Post-Leslie, I need a cocktail.
07:58Now, where's your vodka?
07:59I don't have any.
08:00And you call yourself a wasp.
08:02I don't see why you two can't work it out.
08:05You had the most beautiful wedding.
08:06And we're going to have an even lovelier divorce.
08:08I can't believe you were willing to just throw it all away so easily.
08:11I mean, relationships take work.
08:13You need patience and understanding.
08:16Charlotte, when was your last long-term relationship?
08:20Oh, just eat your muffin.
08:31The afternoon had been like six hours of foreplay.
08:38Some men seduced with dim lights and soft music.
08:43Vaughn seduced with chocolate chip cookies and relatives.
08:49It was inevitable this would happen.
08:56I just didn't know it would happen so quickly.
09:02I'll get a tissue.
09:14Get out now before he stains all your sheets.
09:17Oh, come on, that's harsh.
09:18It could be he was just nervous.
09:20First time is always weird.
09:21And he probably had something to drink.
09:22And we just spent the whole day with his family.
09:24Look, the guy could not get his Cadillac into the garage.
09:27Honey, I'm sorry.
09:28I hate being right about this.
09:30Samantha was the general patent of sex.
09:33She didn't like sending her troops into battle if she thought they would lose.
09:36I like him.
09:37Well, that's real swell, but I don't know.
09:38But still doesn't get the cream and the cupcake.
09:40But the thing I like best about him is his family.
09:42Hmm.
09:42Anyone there you can find?
09:45What?
09:45I'm trying to be helpful.
09:47I'm telling you, this family is like, they got charisma.
09:51Like Tom Cruise.
09:52They're the Tom Cruise of families.
09:54I'm pretty sure the family is supposed to be the obstacle to a relationship, not the attraction.
09:58I fucked a guy once because his family had a pool.
10:01He was pretty much of a nerd, but I'd go over there and get all cocoa buttered up.
10:05His mom loved me.
10:06She was always serving me Kool-Aid and chips.
10:08Kool-Aid?
10:08Yeah, Kool-Aid.
10:10I was 13.
10:10And honey, you should have seen my town.
10:14In my mind, the complications of making a relationship work had just expanded exponentially.
10:20When you date someone, how many people become emotionally involved?
10:25When you sleep with someone, are you screwing the family?
10:29While I was still on the fence about my feelings for Vaughn, I had no doubt about my feelings for
10:33his mother.
10:34I was in love with her.
10:36Then, we were in Nicaragua with the Peace Corps.
10:39That's where Vaughn was born.
10:40I can't get over it.
10:41You've had like five lives.
10:44I can barely make one happen.
10:46Oh, don't pull that self-effacing shit with me, Carrie.
10:49I see you.
10:51I know what you've got going.
10:52What?
10:53What do I do?
10:54I write this little column.
10:55It's a contribution.
10:56I mean, you are putting it out there.
10:59You're part of a dialogue.
11:01I mean, if it wasn't for you, we wouldn't know half the things we do about other people's sex lives.
11:06Well, thanks a lot.
11:08I'm teasing.
11:09Oh.
11:10No, no.
11:11It's wonderful to be frank and honest about sex.
11:14That's how I raise my kids.
11:15I mean, sex was always a part of a discussion.
11:18When they were two years old, they knew the proper names for their body parts.
11:23None of this pee-pee and wee-wee crap.
11:25No, no.
11:26And as a result, do you know, they can talk to me about anything.
11:29When Franny told me she was a lesbian, I said, great, just as long as you're not a Republican.
11:35May I just say, I like you very much.
11:39Oh, that's dear.
11:44So, did you talk to Leslie today?
11:45No, but I talked to her lawyer.
11:47Do you want to know all about that?
11:48I'm giving her the house, and she's giving me an ulcer.
11:51Okay, okay.
11:52I'm sorry I brought it up.
11:54Tonight we'll have fun.
11:55You'll finally meet my friend, Carrie.
11:56We'll go out and have dinner.
11:57Maybe we'll go to...
11:58Shit.
12:00Hi.
12:01Hi.
12:02Hi.
12:03Hello.
12:04Carrie.
12:05Samantha.
12:06This is my wonderful brother, Wesley.
12:09Hi.
12:09Hi.
12:10Nice to meet you.
12:11Oh, good looks.
12:12Running the family.
12:14Can I get you ladies a drink?
12:15Cosmopal.
12:16Ditto.
12:17So, how are you enjoying New York?
12:18Excuse us.
12:22Why is she here?
12:23Oh, um, that's our friend.
12:25I believe you.
12:26Remember Samantha?
12:27Like, I mean, you know how she gets like...
12:30She's doing it already.
12:32What?
12:32They're talking.
12:34Hey, thank you.
12:36Samantha says there's a great jazz bar that we should go to.
12:38Oh, I...
12:40I...
12:40I just don't think I'm up for it tonight.
12:42Well, then maybe we'll just go.
12:46Talking and going to hear jazz.
12:50I think I have your son Slinky embedded in my back.
12:55Well, I like to brand my women.
13:01I'm going to use the bathroom and then I really will go.
13:13Daddy?
13:14No!
13:14Simon!
13:15No!
13:15Daddy!
13:17Simon?
13:17Shit.
13:21I'm sorry.
13:22I was peeing and I didn't want him to see me.
13:25I was afraid he'd see me and the next thing you know he'd be drawing pictures for a child psychologist
13:29and then nobody's happy, right?
13:31I'll get a band-aid, huh?
13:32He's hurt.
13:32I think he might need a stitch.
13:34I'll go with you to the emergency room.
13:35No!
13:37Just go.
13:39Please.
13:41Just...
13:42Go.
13:43One thing about families, if no one's sorry to see you go, then you're probably not coming back.
13:50The next morning, Charlotte was in for a rude awakening.
13:53Oh, honey, why don't you keep your coffee filters?
13:57Uh...
13:57Just tell me if I'm warm.
14:00My brother?
14:02You slept with my brother?
14:03Oh, honey.
14:05What a doll.
14:06I mean, he really...
14:07Is your vagina in the New York City guidebooks?
14:09Because it should be.
14:10It's the hottest spot in town.
14:11It's always open.
14:19What's going on?
14:25What did you say?
14:26She was in my kitchen.
14:28She was wearing your shirt.
14:28I...
14:29I snapped.
14:30Who asked you to button your nose into my...
14:32Samantha, wait.
14:33Samantha, don't go!
14:36Wesley!
14:38I didn't know your mom was nominated for an Oscar.
14:41Mm-hmm.
14:41Best documentary short.
14:44I just love that she still has so many ambitions for herself.
14:49I'm not really in the mood to talk about my mom.
14:53I'm not really in the mood to talk at all.
15:06Um...
15:07Don't touch it.
15:07Don't touch it!
15:08It...
15:28So...
15:29What was the documentary short about anyway?
15:35Oh, good.
15:36You're back.
15:37Charlotte, I swear to God, if you hand me a muffin, I'm out of here.
15:41Honey, you don't know Samantha.
15:44I do.
15:44She has so many notches on her bedpost, it's practically whittled down to a toothpick.
15:47It was fun.
15:49I know, I know.
15:50You had your little fling and now you can go back to Leslie and you can work it out,
15:54right?
15:54We're not working it out.
15:56You think you know Wesley and Leslie?
15:57Let me tell you about Wesley and Leslie.
16:00Leslie's frigid.
16:01And before last night, Wesley hadn't gotten laid in two years.
16:04Oh my God.
16:06I think I was going out of my mind.
16:07I've seen a pastor, I've seen a shrink.
16:09But until I saw Samantha, I didn't realize what I really needed.
16:12Sex.
16:13So it was a good thing.
16:15It was a friggin' great thing.
16:17That's Samantha.
16:19You really got a good friend there.
16:29It's Charlotte.
16:35That was a terrible thing I said.
16:38Yes, it was.
16:39Now if you'll excuse me, I have another tour group coming through my vagina in ten minutes.
16:43And I'm so sorry.
16:45You said what you came to say?
16:47Wait.
16:51I wanted to give you this.
16:56Samantha was touched.
16:58Come here.
17:00Oh.
17:00She realized this was Charlotte's way of saying,
17:02thank you for fucking my brother.
17:05Get in there.
17:09Hey kids, fantastic.
17:11You're free.
17:13And Miranda decided she had ceded enough territory to the invading troops.
17:19Oh, do you mind?
17:20He really loves to push the button.
17:22Yeah?
17:24So do I.
17:31That is so sexy.
17:35You in bed.
17:36With my book.
17:38It's really great.
17:45Do that again.
17:46What?
17:47Turn the page?
17:50Oh.
17:52Baby.
17:57Again.
17:59Oh.
18:03Okay.
18:03Wait, wait, wait, wait.
18:04Stop.
18:05Stop.
18:06Let's just take this.
18:08Nice and slow.
18:10Oh.
18:10And you tell me if you're feeling too excited and we'll take a little break.
18:16Why?
18:17Because I think we both really want this to work.
18:21I mean, I love that you get so turned on by me.
18:27And I am very turned on by you.
18:29And maybe we've just been in too much of a rush.
18:33Okay.
18:35Forget it.
18:35No, I don't want to forget it.
18:38Hey, come here.
18:39Let's talk about it.
18:41No.
18:42I don't want to talk about it.
18:43Well, I think we have to.
18:45Why does everything have to be about sex?
18:47I am so sick of talking about sex.
18:49I've been talking about it since I was two.
18:52So let's go.
18:54My parents are expecting us.
18:59Duncan and I went down to the Neil Simon Theatre and spent $65.
19:03$75.
19:04To see a British movie star simulate a blowjob.
19:07I wonder if that's what Neil had in mind.
19:10Did she show her tits?
19:12No.
19:13How's the pickled herring?
19:14It's very good.
19:16Franny tells me that you two are going camping this weekend.
19:19Where's the scallion cream cheese?
19:21Oh, it's out there on the table.
19:24I don't see it.
19:26Well, then check your refrigerator.
19:29Why is he so edgy?
19:32I have no idea.
19:33Don't let him pull that moody shit on you.
19:35I know.
19:36It's such a pose.
19:36The minute he got published, he suddenly was called a tortured artist.
19:40Where's the cream cheese?
19:42It's out there.
19:54You know, what's the point of buying all this shit if you can't remember the one fucking thing that holds
19:57it all together?
19:58Vaughn.
19:59Let's deal with what's really upsetting you.
20:02Hmm?
20:02Shall we?
20:03Okay.
20:04If you have to have everything out on the table, why don't we start with some scallion cream cheese?
20:11Jenna and I looked at each other like two foreigners without visas.
20:16Well, um, you know what, I think I better go.
20:20I, um, I've got a deadline.
20:25So, yeah, I'll go.
20:28All right.
20:29Thank you for lunch, for everything.
20:36Uh, Carrie.
20:42What happened?
20:43Everything was going so well.
20:44It really wasn't.
20:46Okay, I know what it is.
20:47His last girlfriend wasn't as discreet.
20:49I don't even want to get in the irony.
20:51He writes short stories.
20:53Okay, this has, this has officially become too weird.
20:56Really?
20:57In a situation like this, you gotta laugh.
20:59All right.
21:00It's a problem.
21:02But, you'll work it out.
21:05He, he won't even talk about it.
21:08Do you want me to talk to him?
21:09No, no.
21:10No.
21:12I can't discuss this with you.
21:14You can't!
21:15Carrie, you and I can discuss anything.
21:18So your sex life isn't so great, so what?
21:21Seventy-seven percent of all marriages are sexless.
21:25Other things are so much more important.
21:27Like, family.
21:30Then I saw that the person I really had to break up with wasn't Vaughn.
21:33It was his mother.
21:36Wallace, I would still like us to be friends.
21:39Oh.
21:39No, I mean that.
21:42And what happens when you meet somebody else?
21:45I can tell you right now, they won't have a mother like me, and you know that.
21:49You know we have something.
21:52What we have is very special.
21:57All right, well.
21:59All right.
22:03Call me sometime.
22:05I will.
22:06I will.
22:06Sweetie.
22:12Wallace was right.
22:13The most important thing in life is your family.
22:16There are days you love them, and others you don't, but in the end, they're the people you always come
22:22home to.
22:22Sometimes it's the family you're born into.
22:25And sometimes, it's the one you make for yourself.
22:29No cares.
22:30No cares.
22:31I'm happy.
22:32Hey!
22:33Hey!
22:33What are you doing?
22:35Hey!
22:36Hey!
22:38Hey!
22:38Hey!
22:39Hey!
22:40Hey!
22:40Hey!
22:40Hey!
22:43Hey!
22:44Hey!
23:01Hey!
23:02Hey!
23:03Hey!
23:04Hey!
23:08Hey!
23:14One second.
23:15Oh, my God.
23:17I've been up since five.
23:17I had three carpal tunnels.
23:19It's very exhaustive, reconstructive work.
23:22He fell asleep when he was making love to me.
23:26He fell asleep.
23:27Sweet, he was tired.
23:28This has nothing to do with you.
23:30Has a man ever fallen asleep making love to you?
23:33No, but I'm sure many of them wanted to.
23:36I can't believe this happened to me.
23:38You want some herb tea?
23:39How about some herb tea?
23:40I must be really bad in bed.
23:42You are not bad in bed.
23:44Okay, I've got a constant comment and tummy tamer.
23:46Charlotte, honey, you want some tummy tamer?
23:48Of course it's her, and I have to say I'm not surprised.
23:51Ever seen her on a Stairmaster?
23:53Nothing happening below the waist.
23:54Nada.
23:55No sale.
23:56How can you say that?
23:57Even if she was bad in bed, which she isn't,
24:00is there really that important?
24:01Absolutely.
24:02Who we are in bed is who we are in life.
24:05I never met a man who was bad in bed who was good at life.
24:08And just for the record, in bed, you are.
24:10Don't make me state the obvious.
24:12How can you be so sure?
24:14Well, no one ever took a nap while fucking me.
24:17And I get affirmations all the time.
24:19Well, just last week.
24:20It seems, last week, Samantha was invited to dinner by a gay couple she'd known for years,
24:25David and David.
24:26Well, thanks for a lovely dinner.
24:28It was fun.
24:29Well, I have to admit, we have an ulterior motive.
24:33What?
24:33We were wondering if you were seeing anybody special right now.
24:37Well, actually, no.
24:39Do you have a hot guy for me?
24:42Two.
24:48No!
24:49Yes.
24:50We want to have sex with a woman.
24:53Are you serious?
24:55Totally.
24:55I've always been curious what it would be like.
24:57Neither one of us has ever done it, and we thought it might be fun.
25:00And then we were like, well, if we were going to do it with a woman, who would it be?
25:04And we were like, oh.
25:06Samantha.
25:07Totally.
25:07We decided, of all the beautiful women we know, you are probably the best in bed.
25:12Totally.
25:16So I'm thinking about doing it.
25:18They're cute.
25:19They're healthy.
25:20They're gay.
25:21You know, for a sex columnist, you have a very limited view of sexuality.
25:24Gay is pink suede.
25:25Wake up.
25:26It's 2000.
25:27The new millennium won't be about sexual labels.
25:30It'll be about sexual expression.
25:31It won't matter if you're sleeping with men or women.
25:33It'll be about sleeping with individuals.
25:35Or in your case, twos or threes.
25:38Soon, everyone will be...
25:45I got to thinking about bed.
25:48Are we secretly being graded every time we invite someone to join us in it?
25:51A plus, B, D, incomplete?
25:54Is making love really nothing more than a pop quiz?
25:57And if sex is a test, how do we know if we're passing or failing?
26:02How do you know if you're good in bed?
26:06Later that week, I was walking home thinking about my own sexual report card when...
26:11Ow!
26:13What the hell?
26:14What was that?
26:15Christ, I'm sorry.
26:16I didn't see you.
26:17I just threw my cigarette.
26:19I thought I was stung by a bee.
26:20Jesus!
26:21I'm sorry.
26:22Did it leave a mark?
26:24You can't smoke in the restaurant.
26:26I'm a smoker.
26:27Yeah, I'm a smoker too.
26:28But come on, Pally.
26:29Watch where you throw those things, huh?
26:32No, it didn't leave a mark.
26:34As the pain subsided, my mind was free to notice how incredibly cute this guy was.
26:39I'm sorry.
26:40My name's Patrick.
26:41Patrick Casey.
26:42Carrie Bradshaw.
26:43Burn victim.
26:45How weird was that?
26:46I mean, that was intense.
26:48You gotta admit, it's a pretty clever way to meet the ladies.
26:51Oh, so you got a little comedy routine going there, huh, Patrick?
26:53A little bit.
26:55But listen, I really feel bad, so at least let me buy you a cup of coffee or some burn
27:00sound.
27:01Not funny yet.
27:02Sorry.
27:02But it might be, after a cappuccino, there's a place right around the corner and get smoked there.
27:09Three Marlboros and two Marlboro lights later, I had learned that Patrick was a composer who wrote music for the
27:14movies.
27:15So what type of movies do you compose for?
27:17Really bad ones.
27:19You know, the I screamed when I knew what you did last summer on Elm Street type.
27:23Well, as long as you're challenged by what you do.
27:26Oh, damn it.
27:28Patrick, Casey, whoever you are.
27:31I'm late, I have to go.
27:32Oh, God.
27:34Thank you for the coffee, and maybe one day you'll give me scar tissue again.
27:40You're great.
27:41Yes.
27:43As I walked away, I started to think, how many cute, smart, single smokers are there left in the world?
27:49Seven?
27:50I decided to do something I almost never do.
27:53Give a man my phone number.
27:56Hi.
27:57This whole burn lawsuit I planned to initiate, it might get a little crazy, so here is my phone number.
28:05You will need that for your attorney.
28:07Or if you want to have coffee again sometime.
28:10I love feeling great.
28:12It was such a cute approach.
28:13How could he not call?
28:15Come on, how could he not call?
28:16It's been three days.
28:18Give him 12 more hours and then send him off to the island of lost men.
28:22Well, I don't want to send him there.
28:23I like him.
28:23Can you believe that someone actually had the nerve to call this color Florentine peach?
28:28I can't believe you had the nerve to spend this much on sheets.
28:30It's an experiment.
28:31I'm trying to change my bed karma.
28:34I figure if I can make my bed a place I really want to be, others will feel the same
28:38way.
28:38Ah, the field of dreams.
28:41Exactly.
28:41If you build it, he will come.
28:43The thing that gets me is I'm not usually wrong about the phone number's size up.
28:48I don't put it out there unless I'm pretty damn sure it's coming back.
28:51I'm either really loving or hating the color.
28:55He thinks I'm ugly.
28:56Oh my God.
28:57Get a grip.
28:59A guy doesn't call you for three days and you're ugly?
29:02What's your point?
29:03Pillowcase.
29:04It's amazing.
29:05We can feel totally good about ourselves and then it all goes out the window if the
29:10guy doesn't mirror that right back to us.
29:13This has a little weird thing here.
29:16Damn it.
29:17Does everything I bring into this bedroom have to have a flaw?
29:19Ha ha.
29:23The next day I was in the village looking for the perfect $7 vintage dress to go with my
29:27$300 shoes when I had a choice.
29:30I could turn around and run away or I could smile, be brave and walk on over.
29:38Hey, hi.
29:39So what?
29:40Saturday's the day you stand on the street and smoke in the village?
29:45Hi, I'm Carrie.
29:46We're kind of in the middle of something.
29:48Oh, right.
29:49Sure, sure, right.
29:50Okay, bye.
29:51It's just on my way to Perry Street.
29:53This is Perry Street.
29:54Leaker.
29:55Leaker.
29:55I meant leaker.
29:57Okay, bye.
29:57And goodbye to you two.
30:03Carrie.
30:05Listen, let me explain.
30:07No, no, no.
30:08I'm embarrassed.
30:08You know, you're obviously in the middle of a thing with your lover or whoever.
30:12Oh, no, no, no.
30:12And I'm standing there all...
30:13I'm not gay.
30:16I'm an alcoholic.
30:18We were just waiting for a meeting to start and I wanted to introduce you, but it's supposed
30:22to be anonymous, so...
30:23Well, you know, I really wasn't getting the gay vibe from you.
30:26It's just, uh, he was so cute and...
30:29I never called.
30:30Right.
30:31I was freaked.
30:32You know, I've only been in the program 11 months and my sponsor said I really shouldn't
30:36get involved with someone for a year and...
30:39So...
30:40Well, okay.
30:41So, maybe you'll call me in a month.
30:43It doesn't bother you that I'm an alcoholic?
30:45No.
30:46God, no.
30:47No.
30:47I love alcoholics.
30:48Hell, I hope to be one someday.
30:51That was a joke.
30:52It's not funny.
30:53Yet.
30:53But it might be.
30:54After a cappuccino.
30:56You know, what the fuck?
30:57It's only a couple of weeks.
30:58Would you like to go out on a date sometime?
31:00I can't think why not.
31:03You call me.
31:04So I accepted his kind invitation, because when you think about it, aren't we all in
31:09recovery from something?
31:10Drinking, drugging, our last relationship?
31:14On our first date, Patrick and I went for coffee.
31:17Hey, I'm really compulsive.
31:19If I open up a bag of chips ahoy, I gotta eat the whole thing.
31:22I'm like that with Reese's Pieces.
31:24Reese's Pieces and shoes.
31:26Wouldn't the shoes be a little tough on digestion?
31:30Well, this is me.
31:33Thank you, Mr. Casey.
31:35I had a great time.
31:37No, Miss Burnvicton, I had a great time.
31:41Then, I gave him my very best lean-in-and-kiss-me-goodnight move.
31:54Our next date, over dinner, he told me about working his 12 steps.
31:58And after dinner, I stood on my third step, trying to work him.
32:02The smell is amazing.
32:11I couldn't figure it out.
32:18I knew he wanted me, because during my lean-in-and-kiss-me-goodnight move, I'd accidentally, on purpose,
32:23felt his pop up and say hello.
32:24So, what was going on?
32:27By the third date, I wanted him even more than a fistful of Reese's Pieces.
32:35Well then, goodnight.
32:37That was that.
32:38I'd hit my humiliation limit.
32:40And then I thought,
32:41How many cute, smart, sexy, single-smoking alcoholics are there left in the world?
32:46Five?
32:59Do you want to come up?
33:01Yeah.
33:02But, you see, the thing is, I've never had sex sober.
33:06I've always been drunk or high.
33:09I don't know if I'll be any good.
33:12What the hell?
33:14I'll take it one step at a time.
33:15If there's a cure for this, I don't want it.
33:19Oh, oh!
33:21If there's a real cure, I'll run away.
33:24Oh, sex is amazing.
33:30Never let it out of my mind.
33:32It feels so fucking amazing.
33:34Do other people know about this?
33:36I mean, whoa!
33:38Yeah!
33:38All right!
33:41I did sex without beer!
33:43Yeah!
33:44Woo-hoo!
33:47Easy, cowboy.
33:48You.
33:49What about you?
33:51You are the best.
33:52Well, you weren't half bad yourself.
33:54No.
33:55You are the best.
33:56You're the best.
33:58I am to please.
34:02After we have a cigarette.
34:08Can we do it again?
34:10Hmm.
34:12I'm going to have a Spanish omelet, hash browns, more coffee and orange juice.
34:16Oh, and, um, can I have some rice pudding for later?
34:19Thanks.
34:21Storing up for winter?
34:22No, I'm starving.
34:24Patrick and I all last night, and I'm just...
34:27No, don't stop.
34:28It's okay.
34:29I mean, just because I'm bad in bed doesn't mean everybody has to be.
34:32Okay, one more time.
34:33You are not bad in bed.
34:35Oh, really?
34:36Has a man ever fallen asleep making love to you?
34:38No, but I once fell asleep when a guy was doing me.
34:41It was the ludes.
34:42It's okay.
34:43I'm mature enough to realize that while I may be good at some things, like...
34:48Accessories, that I might need help in others, like...
34:52Fucking?
34:53Making love.
34:56So, I'm taking a class.
34:58A fucking class?
35:00No, a tantric sex workshop.
35:02Well, just don't drink any suspicious Kool-Aid or put on new Nikes.
35:05Oh, it's not like that.
35:07It's taught by this very well-respected woman psychologist.
35:10It's called...
35:10How to please a man.
35:12I know how to please a man.
35:13You just give away most of your power.
35:16Look, I have a trainer for the gym.
35:18I can have a trainer for...
35:19Bucking?
35:20Please stop saying that.
35:22Are you actually going to do this?
35:24Yep.
35:26And, uh...
35:27Seating was limited, so I signed you guys up.
35:30Please.
35:31Please.
35:32I can't go alone.
35:33And if Graham ever falls asleep on me again, I will die.
35:36Please.
35:37Pretty please.
35:37Pretty please with sugar on it.
35:39Christ, I'm in.
35:40What the hell?
35:41I don't exactly have them hanging from the rafters.
35:44How to please a man.
35:45I could teach the damn class.
35:49All right.
35:55That night, while David and David got undressed and waited for her in the bedroom,
35:59Samantha began to wonder if maybe she was about to go too far.
36:03Was she actually capable of being this sexually free?
36:06Or was she getting in over her head?
36:08She decided before there were any regrets, they should all talk about it a little more.
36:15Listen, David and David, maybe...
36:17Oh, you look amazing.
36:19Just like Gina Harlow in Red Dust.
36:22Samantha loved the Samantha mirrored of her through the eyes of the Davids.
36:25What the hell?
36:38Oh, you look amazing.
37:05They're so soft.
37:07I know.
37:09I know.
37:21I can't do this.
37:24Neither can I.
37:27But I...
37:29We're just getting started.
37:32You can't.
37:32I'm sorry.
37:33Sorry.
37:34It's very pretty, but...
37:36No.
37:37It's not you.
37:38It's us.
37:39I have an idea.
37:41Let's all put on our clothes and go out for gelati.
37:43Cheesecake.
37:44Whatever.
37:45Whatever.
37:48Suddenly, Samantha wasn't feeling so good about herself in bed.
37:55Oh, yikes.
37:57I've got to go or I'm going to be late for the tantric workshop thing.
38:01Oh, baby.
38:02You don't need a workshop.
38:05You are amazing.
38:06Now, come on.
38:07Come on.
38:08One more time.
38:09We did it last night and all this morning.
38:11I could have sex with you morning, noon, and night.
38:14Now, come on.
38:14That's when I realized it.
38:16Mr. Compulsive wasn't in bed with me.
38:19More.
38:19Come on.
38:20He was in bed with a big bag of chips ahoy.
38:22More.
38:23The intent of tantric, we say, sacred sexuality, is to experience and merge with the divine.
38:33I think Patrick's addicted to me.
38:35It's like he's replaced drinking with me.
38:38Yeah, program guys are tough.
38:39I dated a guy who was in Overeaters Anonymous, and every time we had a fight, he'd binge eat
38:44hot fudge sundaes.
38:45Shh.
38:45In other words, ladies, to drive your man crazy.
38:50He wants to have sex all the time.
38:52It's getting a little out of hand.
38:54Well, at least he wants to fuck you.
38:55They were gay.
38:57So?
38:58One minute they were interested, and then suddenly they weren't.
39:01What did I do to turn them off?
39:04Not having a dick would be the thing that you did to turn them off.
39:07You guys, I'm serious.
39:09This is rude.
39:09And use it to bring any man to his knees.
39:14With love, of course.
39:16Where was this bitch last night when I needed her?
39:18Shh, shh.
39:19Be quiet, and you might learn something.
39:20This lady's supposed to be a genius.
39:22If she's so good, why is she having this workshop in her apartment?
39:27I don't know.
39:28Centric sex is not about talk.
39:31It's about action.
39:33Delayed action.
39:35So, without further delay, let me introduce my husband, Dr. Roni Shapiro.
39:48I will demonstrate the very effective Lingam Massage.
39:56I think I know why we were in an apartment.
40:00The receiver lies on his back before the giver, naked.
40:07Genitals clearly exposed for the massage.
40:11You're not writing.
40:13Take your time doing this.
40:17An hour and a half later, crippled by our inability to look away from a car crash, we watched as
40:22the Dr. Shapiro illustrated tantric sex.
40:26Massage the head of the Lingam as if you are using an orange juicer.
40:31Well, there go my good skillings about breakfast.
40:35Stop it.
40:36Embarrassing me.
40:37Oh, we're the embarrassing part?
40:40Now, raise your right hand on the receiver's root chakra.
40:47Root.
40:47The root chakra is located between the anus and the genitals.
40:53Well, I think that I just got my 50 bucks worth, so...
40:57Gently rock your hand to awaken this chakra, clinically referred to as perineum.
41:05Perineum, Latin for not without an engagement.
41:08Will the women who are laughing compose themselves?
41:13Orgasm is not the goal of Lingam Massage, but can be a pleasant and very welcome side effect.
41:23Watch what I'm doing here.
41:27If you can master this, your man will always be faithful, because once they go tantric, they don't go back.
41:40You go, girl.
41:43See that?
41:44Can you all see this?
41:48Oh, my God.
41:51He's gonna...
41:53Oh, God.
41:57And just like that, Miranda got hit by Old Faithful.
42:02What's funny?
42:09That night, after we talked Miranda in from the ledge, I met Patrick for a movie.
42:14So I was telling my sponsor today how I felt about you, and suddenly I realized, duh, maybe I should
42:20just tell you.
42:22Carrie.
42:24I love you.
42:26There it was.
42:26The little phrase every girl is dying to hear a week and a half into a relationship.
42:31Wow.
42:33Well, thanks.
42:34And that's, uh, so...
42:37Wow.
42:38What?
42:38Too soon?
42:39Is that what you're thinking?
42:40Well, we have been going out like a minute.
42:44Oh, fuck that shit.
42:44I don't want to play games.
42:45I'm just trying to own my feelings.
42:48I love you.
42:50I said it.
42:52Mr. Casey, you do not love me.
42:55You love you, not drinking with me.
42:57No.
42:58I love you.
43:01Okay, look, gosh, I am, I, it's, I'm so flattered, but I just think maybe we should, we should slow
43:09down a little here.
43:10What does that mean?
43:11It just, it means that, you know, it's, things are going very fast, and I just, you know, you have
43:16all these new feelings because you're not drinking.
43:18No, no, no, don't give me that program bullshit.
43:21This has nothing to do with drinking.
43:25I love you.
43:27Maybe we should spend a little time apart.
43:31I'll call you tomorrow.
43:33I'm not coming up?
43:34Just a couple of nights.
43:37Are you breaking up with me?
43:38Because if you break up with me...
43:39Patrick, I'm not, I'm not breaking up with you.
43:41I'm just going inside.
43:43So call me tomorrow.
43:45We'll do something next week, okay?
43:48What, what am I going to do now?
43:51You should go to a meeting.
43:53And then go home and call me tomorrow.
43:58Okay, good night.
44:00I'll see you next week.
44:04Go.
44:12Get yourself some cookies.
44:20Meanwhile, across town at Charlotte.
44:21Oh my God, Charlotte, what are you doing?
44:23Oh, God.
44:27Charlotte, you are good.
44:28Sweet Christ, you are good.
44:32Charlotte considered it the best 50 bucks she'd ever spent.
44:39It cost Miranda a little more, but across town in her bed, things were good as well.
44:43Oh my God.
44:56Oh my God.
45:01Carrie!
45:06Carrie!
45:08Hey, Patrick, what are you doing?
45:09I loved you, you bitch!
45:13I loved you.
45:15And you didn't love me.
45:17You fucking made me date you before the month.
45:22And now I'm drunk.
45:24And I don't care!
45:27Carrie!
45:29I love you, Carrie!
45:31I love you!
45:32Make love to me!
45:35What are you doing, Todd?
45:37Don't take your clothes off!
45:39My first impulse was to go down and rescue him,
45:42but as I learned on our second date,
45:44that would be co-dependent.
45:45Still, I felt I had to do something.
45:49Here, put this on!
45:51Get a cold!
45:52Oh my fucking...
45:55White asshole, I'll call the cops!
45:57Oh, shut the fuck up, big queens!
46:00Carrie!