- 7 months ago
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00:00so we have a deal then mr. chin yes we have a deal good do you take a barclay
00:09card do you now call me old-fashioned or sentimental if you like but I'm a
00:16strictly readies man myself you know cash in the end that's my motto anyway
00:20we'll see you first thing in the morning right about 11 o'clock oh can't you do
00:24today oh no no no no no sorry I can't do it today mr. chin no no no you see
00:29today is a what's a very special day today is the anniversary of my late
00:35mother's passing from this immortal curl you know and by tradition my brother and
00:40me we we always go and spend the day with her in the cemetery you know tending the
00:45grave that sort of thing anyway I must rush to go and buy some flowers yes I am
00:52very sorry that's all right no sweat I'll get them cheap from this geezer in the
00:56market sorry Nora show you
01:26there you go man excuse the feet
01:36that's the bestest grave in the entire cemetery Rodney
01:42yes mustard dude I mean look at the others it will look like monuments to the
01:50unknown gypo all the others crumble and fall into dust that will stand forever
01:56do you know why it's it's the only one in the entire cemetery that is made of
02:01fiberglass it's looking a bit tatty nowadays I don't know it's not too bad it's bound to look
02:19a bit iffy after 17 years yeah I mean so would you if you've been standing out there for 17 years
02:25with pigeons and diesel fumes and other mourners stubbing their cigarette ends out on you
02:29I don't know well maybe he could be right
02:34perhaps he could do with the brightening up a bit
02:38yeah if I added some fiberglass models of say an apostle
02:44and four cherubins with trumpets do you think that would order the effect
02:51if you added fiberglass models of snow white and a seven dwarfs you couldn't alter the effect of that
02:56oh you're you don't start getting sacrificial
03:01and what's the matter with you Rodney really I don't you seem to have no sense of occasion
03:10you've no try being on some as the friends say
03:16look at you now loafing about around your mother's graveside
03:22don't you feel any emotion
03:24now look Del
03:25I didn't know mum that well did I
03:28when she died I was just a little nipper-oony
03:31all odd socks and eczema
03:33now you feel a sense of personal loss
03:35me I
03:37just feel cheated
03:40yeah I'm
03:55I'm sorry Rodney
03:57I should have realised
03:59our mum was a wonderful woman
04:06she had long golden blonde hair
04:11sometimes
04:14you could see her sitting at the bar
04:18with an egg's head in her simulated beaver skin
04:20with a rum and pep in one hand
04:2220 senior service in the other
04:25now she looked like a lady
04:28you know lots of people mistook her for a money lender
04:33really?
04:34yeah straight up
04:35yeah
04:36of course I was a lot younger then
04:39you know didn't have much money
04:40but every night she used to send across
04:43two or three pints of light and bitter
04:44or whiskey if she was flush
04:46that wasn't mum
04:49then come about ten o'clock
04:52she'd look over where I was sitting
04:55and she'd shout
04:55come on Del boy
04:57get off home to bed
04:58school in the morning
05:01that part of the woman she was
05:04concerned about our welfare
05:06where was I then?
05:12she was outside in a pram
05:13eating a narrow room
05:14she worried?
05:17no
05:18it's only an old pram
05:19it's alright
05:26putting your leg
05:27old pram
05:28of course she was worried
05:29no I like it here though
05:36don't you Rodney
05:37no it's nice and quiet
05:39away from the crowd
05:42and the noise
05:42and the traffic
05:43no it really is
05:46nice and quiet
05:47yeah
05:48and tranquil
05:51you're decorating the kitchen
05:55of a Chinese takeaway
05:56tomorrow
05:57birds are singing
06:00and the sun's shining
06:01what did you just say?
06:05so the sun's shining
06:06and the birds are singing
06:07no I mean before that
06:09everything's
06:10quiet and tranquil
06:11no Del
06:13in between it being
06:14quiet and tranquil
06:15and the sun's shining
06:16and the birds singing
06:17will you mention something
06:18right about a Chinese takeaway?
06:22oh the Chinese takeaway
06:23oh yeah
06:24well the owner
06:25he's in dead stock
06:26he's got the elf inspectors
06:28coming round
06:29and he's got to have his
06:30kitchen you know
06:30painted
06:31you know have it
06:32bright and dark
06:33so why have I
06:34got to paint it?
06:36well you're the one
06:36that's got the GC in art
06:38ain't ya
06:38this is a good earner
06:40this is Rodney
06:41I charged him
06:42150 knicker
06:43well I don't care
06:44oh come on
06:46I've given him
06:47your word now
06:48look I am not
06:49painting the kitchen
06:50of some grotty
06:51Chinese takeaway
06:52alright?
06:57alright
06:57that's the way
06:59you want it
06:59yeah
07:04I remember what mum
07:06said to me
07:07on her deathbed
07:08called me over
07:11to her side
07:12and she said
07:13Del boy
07:14Del boy
07:17started did she?
07:20I'm sorry Del
07:22no really
07:23I'm sorry
07:23I don't know
07:24why I said it
07:24sorry
07:25look after Rodney
07:28for me
07:28Del boy
07:29she said
07:30share everything
07:33you've got
07:33with him
07:34try to make him
07:37feel
07:37normal
07:39that's what
07:41I've always done
07:42half of everything
07:45I've got
07:45I mean
07:47fair enough
07:48I ain't got nothing
07:49but half of it
07:50is yours
07:50you give me
07:52half of everything
07:53you'd nick the
07:55hole out of me
07:55last polo
07:56if I didn't
07:57keep me mouth
07:57shut
07:58that hurts
08:00that hurts
08:01if I had
08:02any wealth
08:03at all
08:03I'd give you
08:04half like a shot
08:05yeah
08:06so you had
08:11two Rolls Royces
08:13well I'd give you
08:14one wouldn't I
08:15you'd give me
08:16one of your
08:17Rolls Royces
08:18yeah of course
08:18I would
08:19if it was
08:20weather like this
08:21I'd give you
08:21the one
08:21with a sunshine
08:22roof
08:22if you had
08:26two million pounds
08:27what'd you do
08:27I'd give you
08:28a million
08:29wouldn't I
08:29really
08:30in cash
08:32what'd you do
08:38if you had
08:38two of them
08:39deep sea
08:39divers watches
08:40now you know
08:43I got two of them
08:44deep sea
08:45divers watches
08:46don't take
08:48bloody liberties
08:49with me
08:49yeah
08:51yeah that's the
08:52real Dell
08:53coming out
08:54all right
08:55you can have
08:56one of me
08:56deep sea
08:57divers watches
08:58all right
08:58no
09:00no I've got
09:02to draw the line
09:03somewhere
09:03I'm fed up
09:04with you
09:05and your bribery
09:06and emotional
09:06blackmail
09:07every time you
09:08want me to
09:09do the dirty
09:09work
09:10it's a point
09:11of principle
09:12now Dell
09:12you better get
09:13this straight
09:14I am not
09:15painting that
09:15kitchen tomorrow
09:16I am not
09:17painting that
09:17kitchen in a
09:18thousand years
09:19no way my
09:20son
09:21I'll give you
09:25a lend of me
09:26dirty books
09:26yeah all right
09:27then
09:28hey Rodney
09:42put that on the
09:43meter will you
09:43wait come on
09:48what's that look
09:50for
09:50you can't expect
09:51me to paint
09:52with my feet
09:53Dell boy
09:54I don't expect
09:55you to paint
09:56with your feet
09:56I expect you
09:57to mix up
09:58sweep up
09:58and hold the
09:59ladders for
09:59young Rembrandt
10:00here
10:00all right
10:01come on
10:02don't let him
10:12out
10:12it's gonna
10:16please
10:16mr.
10:17chin
10:17innit
10:17oh
10:18was it
10:18his pet
10:19no
10:20but number
10:2039's off
10:21the menu
10:21would you
10:31do you
10:31do you
10:31rain
10:31the rumors
10:32about these
10:32places is true
10:33then
10:34what
10:34no
10:35course not
10:36that look
10:38that look pretty
10:38alarmed about
10:39something
10:40here we are
10:47nice little
10:48kitchen innit
10:49nice little
10:51kitchen
10:51this is the pits
10:54dell
10:54this is the
10:55bloody pits
10:56the old place
10:58was like an
10:58explosion in a
10:59dripping factory
11:00this is a
11:03working kitchen
11:04rodney
11:05you've got to
11:06expect a little
11:06bit of
11:07full
11:07fat
11:08to spill out the
11:10pans every now
11:11and then
11:12haven't you
11:12eh
11:12so what period
11:14we're gonna
11:14decorate it in
11:15dell
11:15early bubonic
11:16perhaps
11:17yes if you
11:19like
11:19look don't
11:20worry about it
11:21you've had all
11:21your inoculations
11:22haven't you
11:23come on
11:24is this the
11:24kitchen then
11:25no no
11:27this is the
11:27master bedroom
11:28the kitchen is
11:29upstairs in the
11:30bathroom you
11:31wally
11:31now listen you
11:33two you should
11:33be out of here
11:34in a couple of
11:34days if you
11:35don't do anything
11:35stupid like
11:36stopping for
11:36lunch
11:37right
11:37wait rodney
11:38come here
11:39down here
11:39look at this
11:40now then
11:41here's your
11:42paint right
11:43there's your
11:44walls that's
11:44your ceiling
11:45now i'll
11:46leave it all
11:46up to you
11:47michelangelo
11:48all right
11:48oh yeah
11:50what
11:51and just what
11:51am i supposed
11:52to do with
11:52them soppy
11:53little tings
11:54look
11:55i can't even
11:56get me
11:56brush in
11:57them
11:57can't even
11:59get his
12:00brush in
12:00them
12:01he can't
12:01even work
12:02that little
12:02problem out
12:03oh go on
12:04tell him how
12:05do it
12:05granddad
12:06you get a
12:06pair of
12:07scissors and
12:07trim your
12:07brush up
12:08yeah
12:08no you
12:13don't
12:14get a pair
12:15of scissors
12:15and trim
12:16your brush
12:17up
12:17look what
12:19you do is
12:20you get
12:21your little
12:21tins don't
12:22you open
12:22them up
12:22and you put
12:23them in
12:23your big
12:24tin
12:24don't you
12:25oh yeah
12:26yeah
12:27no i thought
12:29of that
12:29already
12:29oh yeah
12:30i'm not
12:31stupid
12:31no not
12:32much
12:32look it
12:33right
12:34i what
12:34i ain't got
12:36no labels
12:36on them
12:37you don't
12:38even know
12:38what color
12:38they are
12:39i know
12:39the owner
12:40bought them
12:40cheap
12:40he got
12:41well taken
12:41on it's
12:42a load
12:42of rubbish
12:42say that
12:43again
12:44where'd you
12:44get them
12:44from
12:45me
12:46is this
12:49nicked
12:49i'm not
12:50doing it
12:50if it's
12:50nicked
12:51rodney
12:51it is
12:52not
12:52nicked
12:53believe me
12:54no no
12:55no it's
12:55bankrupt
12:56stock
12:56i bought
12:57two
12:57grosses
12:57a job
12:58lot
12:58right
12:59come on
13:00trust me
13:01trust me
13:02right
13:03good morning
13:04ah good
13:05morning
13:05good morning
13:06mr chin
13:07here you are
13:08here we are
13:09my men are
13:09here as promised
13:10as you can
13:11see they are
13:12the best in
13:12the business
13:13they are in
13:14fact the
13:15creme de la
13:16month of the
13:17painting and
13:18decorating world
13:18good
13:20you the painter
13:22no no no he's the
13:24painter
13:24army's apprentice
13:25no they are the
13:30best
13:30the very best
13:31don't worry
13:32mr chin
13:33in fact
13:33chin up
13:34chin chin up
13:37mr chin
13:38chin
13:39chin up
13:39well
13:44have you decided
13:46what colour
13:47the walls will be
13:48colour
13:49oh yes
13:50yes
13:51i mean you don't
13:53think that we leave
13:53an important decision
13:54like that to the
13:55last minute do you
13:56get that lid off
13:58i'm trying
13:58yeah
13:59well mr chin
14:00you see
14:00the colour
14:01that i thought of
14:03now you may not
14:04agree with me
14:05but somehow
14:05i think that you
14:07will
14:07you see
14:08what i thought
14:10what and you can
14:11shoot me down in
14:12flames in this one
14:13if you like
14:14you know what i mean
14:14what i
14:15have you got the lid
14:16off yet
14:16no
14:17yeah
14:17well you see
14:18what i thought
14:19the colour these
14:20walls should be
14:21blue
14:21what
14:22i like blue
14:25blue
14:26ah blue
14:27je sens frontiers
14:29that is exactly
14:30what i thought
14:31i thought
14:31why don't we
14:32paint these walls
14:33a nice subtle
14:35shade of blue
14:36what shade of blue
14:37yellow
14:37and then i changed
14:38my mind
14:39and i thought
14:40no no
14:41not blue
14:41no
14:42what i thought
14:42what we'd do
14:43is we would
14:43paint them
14:44gold
14:44that is your line
14:45this is gold
14:46rodney
14:47what is the matter
14:47with you
14:48are you illiterate
14:49or something
14:49no i thought of gold
14:51because i remembered
14:51the name of your
14:52beautiful restaurant
14:53gold for the golden
14:55locust
14:56well mr trotter
14:57i'll leave it to you
14:59as long as my kitchen
15:01is painted and cleaned up
15:02before the health inspector calls
15:04all right
15:05mm-hmm
15:05fine
15:06sorry
15:06sorry
15:07how'd you know
15:08the health inspector's calling
15:09i didn't think they warned you
15:11or nothing
15:11oh
15:12i heard a telephone call
15:14from a man
15:14he did not give me his name
15:17what
15:20he tells me
15:22get your kitchen painted
15:24oh
15:25you'll be in big trouble
15:27john
15:27john
15:32john
15:33yeah john
15:34john
15:34you know
15:34john
15:34it's the expression
15:35got an expression
15:36hi john
15:36and all that
15:37somebody up there
15:38must like him
15:39mate
15:39i wonder who
15:40that anonymous
15:41phone caller
15:41could have been
15:42dale
15:42yeah
15:43well
15:43i don't know
15:44i don't think
15:44we're ever going to
15:45find that one out
15:45i'll be rodney
15:46eh
15:46well
15:47come on
15:47we must now say
15:48chow min
15:49eh
15:50and
15:50let our men
15:52get on with the work
15:53eh
15:53mr chintz
15:54do you think
15:55this anonymous
15:56person is likely
15:57to ring up
15:57any other chinese
15:58restaurants
15:59and tell them
15:59to get their
16:00kitchens painted
16:01right to do
16:02something
16:02didn't i
16:03otherwise
16:03we'd have been
16:04lumbered
16:04with all this
16:04paint
16:05right
16:06now listen
16:06i'm going to
16:07take these boxes
16:07with me
16:08right
16:09so
16:09rodney
16:10you'll have to
16:10water that lot
16:11down a bit
16:11no it's all right
16:12it's all right
16:13because you don't
16:13want to put it on
16:14too thick
16:14do you
16:15because the
16:15plaster's none
16:16too kosher
16:17just remember
16:18a little dab
16:18will do you
16:19right
16:19little dab
16:21will do you
16:22what about
16:23what about all this
16:24grease and filth
16:25dell boy
16:25you around
16:26for anyone
16:26to clean it
16:27up
16:27of course
16:28i have
16:28what do you
16:29think i am
16:29a cowboy
16:30or something
16:30there's a tin
16:31of ajax
16:31and a rubber
16:32glove in that
16:32bucket
16:33go easy
16:35on the ajax
16:36see ya
16:37he's not in
16:44perhaps he's gone out
16:46oh yeah i never thought of that
16:49of course he's gone out
16:52question is where
16:53this is the second day on the trot
16:56dell's done a complete disappearing act
16:58and when i asked him where he's gone
17:00he always acts sort of
17:01evasive
17:02i thought he told you to mind your own bloody business
17:05yeah that's what i mean evasive
17:08you know
17:08you know what i reckon
17:10i reckon that while we've been imprisoned in that chinese takeaway
17:14he's been out and he's been wheeling and dealing on the quiet
17:17making a few bob and cutting us out
17:20oh you're in
17:22you can't pull the wool over this boy's eyes can you hey grandad
17:27yes i'm in rodney
17:28seven out of ten for observation
17:30did you finish that job
17:32yeah about off
17:33good give us some money then
17:34come on give us the missoula
17:37yeah yeah yeah
17:38thank you
17:39150 spot on well done
17:42we phoned you to come and pick us up but you wasn't in
17:47what have you been up to dell
17:50oh bits and pieces
17:51where you been
17:53there and back
17:54so what you been doing
17:56this and that
17:57long as i know
18:00i thought you'd wrinkle it out of him in the end
18:04listen rodney i've been doing something private
18:09all right so just leave it at that okay
18:12now i think the best thing we can do with this money is to split it three ways
18:18okay
18:18so here you are granddad
18:20that's 35 for you
18:22oh cheers
18:2340 for you rodney
18:2540
18:25yeah well you're the craftsman ain't you
18:28you get the most because you're experienced
18:29yeah but over there
18:30hang about hang about
18:31hang about
18:32and you also
18:33get
18:34your driver's watch
18:37there you are
18:39hello
18:40somebody at the front door granddad go and see where that is will you
18:42oh my legs are older than yours
18:44i know that means i've had more experience haven't i
18:47yeah thank you
18:49oh would you like it then
18:51yeah cheers
18:53good
18:54oh the bloke said don't get it in the water
18:55the water
18:58it's a deep sea diver's watch
19:01i know that it doesn't mean to say you've got to go deep sea diving in it does it
19:05i mean i've got a pair of them desert boots but you don't catch me in the sahara
19:09see look at that
19:10tells you how deep you are
19:12everything
19:13it's trigger for you del
19:14oh yeah
19:15hello trick
19:15all right del boy
19:16hello dave
19:17what's up with you then trick
19:19i've got some more of that paint
19:20interested
19:21oh yeah
19:22yeah i'll have some of that
19:24ah
19:24yeah
19:26yeah what is it same price or lower
19:28same
19:28oi wadney
19:30don't bang that watch
19:31it ain't shop proof
19:32i won't be getting any more of this for a while
19:35i'm laying low for a spell
19:37we almost got caught the other night
19:38what do you mean you almost got caught
19:44yeah by the railway please
19:46see me and monkey harris get this paint from a storage shed down in clapham jones
19:51you swore on me it wasn't nicked
19:55bankrupt stock you said
19:58british rail same thing eh
19:59knocked off railway paint eh
20:03well i bet mr chin's gonna be well pleased
20:06then he when he finds he's had his whole kitchen done out in intercity yellow
20:09i prefer to call it away day gold
20:12i wondered where i've seen that colour before
20:16all day long i was whistling
20:18this is the age of the train
20:20why
20:22star this ain't the stuff they paint trains with
20:27they use this for painting signs in tunnels
20:30it doesn't matter what they use it for trig
20:32it's still knocked off
20:33it's still illegal
20:34yeah but it's good for the country row rodney innit
20:38come on dell
20:39how can nicking off british rail be good for britain
20:42he amazes me you know trig
20:45he's got a gce in maths and he still acts like a total wally brain
20:48i'll tell you why this is good for the country shall i rodney
20:51because british rail will have to hire more security guards
20:55to protect this paint
20:57thus lowering the unemployment figures
21:00plus their insurance companies will need more people
21:04to handle british rails claims
21:06that means redundant insurance clerks
21:08will be snatched from the dole queues
21:10and handed back their dignity
21:13right
21:14now these people
21:16may very well celebrate their good fortune
21:18by buying a new car
21:20and taking a wife and kids
21:21on a touring holiday round britain
21:23this will result in a much needed boost
21:26to our ailing car industry
21:28higher revenue for north sea oil
21:30and a vital cash injection
21:32into seaside resorts
21:33and depressed areas
21:35on the other hand
21:37they may decide to take our holiday abroad
21:40right
21:40thus forcing foreign hoteliers
21:43restaurateurs and bar owners
21:44to buy more british beer
21:46food and goods
21:47this will result in a higher export drive
21:50which in turn will be very good
21:52for our balance of payment surplus
21:53soon this country will be rich and famous again
21:56the starving shall be fed
21:57the homeless will be home
21:59this watch is broke
22:09this watch is not
22:14broke
22:15it's just that you don't know how to work it properly
22:17look see
22:17it tells you the time in all the major capital cities of the world
22:20yeah look
22:21everyone except london
22:22look
22:23all i can tell by this is
22:25it is nearly chucking out time in peking
22:28and i am low on oxygen
22:29what do you want for nothing jam on it
22:35tunnels
22:36what did you say
22:38no he said
22:39what
22:39trigger said tunnels
22:41he said they use that stuff to paint signs in tunnels
22:45well how can you see a sign in a tunnel
22:47it's black on it
22:49no this is luminous paint
22:51it's luminous grandad
22:54that means you can see in the luminous
22:56bloody luminous
22:59what do you mean you thought i knew
23:02you didn't tell me
23:02what do you think i am
23:03physic or something
23:04do you want this paint
23:05want it no i don't want it
23:07you can stick it up
23:08you
23:08i'm not in grandad
23:11hello
23:13oh hello mr chin
23:17no no del's gone out
23:21i'm not sure
23:23where you going to del
23:25give it to me
23:32the old git
23:34now sit down before i knock you down
23:35hello
23:39hello there mr chin
23:40how are you
23:41don't you hello mr chin me
23:43i want to be talking about
23:48what
23:48glowing are they
23:57mhm
23:58right now listen
23:59tell them not to be frightened
24:00because this is a new
24:02energy saving paint we're using
24:04yeah
24:04it's designed to cut down
24:06on the old electricity bills
24:07yeah i'll get it from this contact in
24:09stockholm
24:10stock
24:10stockholm stockholm oh yeah
24:12yeah because you see the norwegians
24:13they uh
24:14lead the world in paint technology
24:16yeah
24:18yes
24:19yes i understand right
24:21be around to see you first thing in the morning
24:24does he want his money back
24:28no he wants you to go around tomorrow
24:31and do out his living room in it
24:32i'll have that other box of paint off you
24:36oh my god
24:37something wrong del
24:38what have i done
24:40it's all your fault
24:44it's your fault you and your stupid paint
24:48oi what have you done
24:49hey now listen rodney now listen
24:51now you've got to understand right
24:52that i did it in good faith
24:53did what in good faith
24:55i'll show you
24:58come on you better get your coats
25:05tell what you brought us here for
25:20wait a minute
25:21take a look at that
25:34oh my good god
25:41is this where you've been for the past couple of days
25:48painting mum's monument
25:50it was her favourite colour and we both agreed it needed brightening up
25:54it looks more like a rocket launch
25:58well i didn't know it was going to be luminous did i
26:02do you realise our mum's grave is now going to become a beacon for every satanist and acid head in england
26:09there's going to be white witches dancing round that on a full moon
26:13there's going to be chickens blood everywhere
26:15what worries me it's on the main flight path to east road
26:20wish you two can see yourselves
26:27here's mum and her monument
26:29she's fast asleep
26:31the third coat's hardly dry
26:32and already a quivering in your shoes
26:34well i'll tell you this much
26:36i don't regret that i did it
26:38and i will not bow my head to any snotty-nosed town hall clerks
26:42and their narrow-minded rules
26:43i shall look them straight in the face
26:45and i'll say
26:46i am the man that's responsible
26:48and i'm proud of it
26:49we'll put it down to vandals
26:58we'll take that out of here before we get our collars out
27:01we'll take that out of here before we get our collars out
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