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00:00When you live on a tiny island like Manhattan,
00:05the odds of bumping into the one who broke your heart are incredibly high.
00:11The odds of bumping into him when you look like shit are even higher.
00:28After a breakup, certain streets, locations, even times of day are off limits.
00:34The city becomes a deserted battlefield loaded with emotional landmines.
00:38You have to be very careful where you step, or you could be blown to pieces.
00:48Get your coat on, Anne Frank. We're going out.
00:50You guys, I'm really not in the mood. Coat on, body out.
00:53Where are we going? It's a surprise.
00:54Okay, but only if it's nowhere I can run into him.
00:57Just when exactly do you think you're going to be getting out of this hostage situation?
01:01What? Am I wrong?
01:02Don't listen to her, Carrie. It's only been a month.
01:04It takes half the total time you went out with someone to get over them.
01:07I always like a good math solution to any love problem.
01:10It's the breakup rule. You and Big only went out for a year,
01:12so that means that she's got five more months to get over it.
01:14No, you've got to cut your losses and get back in the game.
01:17When Eric and I broke up, I got over him right away.
01:19I don't really remember it being like that.
01:22Eric who?
01:23Eric. Asshole I dated a couple of years ago.
01:25Oh, that Eric.
01:26Miranda used to call Eric the love of her life until he left her for another woman.
01:30Now she almost never mentioned him.
01:32You can't push yourself into feeling good.
01:34The only way to get over somebody is to feel really bad,
01:36to cry to your girlfriends,
01:38and then to replay what you hated about them over and over in your head all day.
01:42Yep, that sounds about right.
01:44You're way too dressed up for where we're going.
01:46You know what? I'm going to risk over dress versus a chance meeting with Big for the first time looking
01:49the way I feel.
01:50Oh God, seeing someone for the first time is the worst. You never know how to act.
01:53Yeah, and then there's the vomiting.
01:56You know what? If Big had any class, he would have moved away. I was here first.
02:00You're giving him way too much power. You broke up with him, remember?
02:03Yeah, right, right, right. And that makes you what? Happy? Taxi!
02:07Amazingly, Samantha was still with James.
02:09A monogamous relationship for a woman whose bedroom was usually busier than Balducci's on a Saturday.
02:14Hey, you lovebirds!
02:16Oh!
02:18And how are the most beautiful women in Manhattan?
02:21If we see them, I'll ask.
02:24Have a fun day.
02:25And don't let anything bad happen to my princess.
02:27Aww.
02:29Love you.
02:32God, Samantha, everything is going so great.
02:35Me, James, and his tiny penis were one big happy family.
02:40After two months, despite all his sweetness and charm, Samantha still hadn't quite accepted James' shortcomings.
02:48When Miranda said, get back in the game, she meant it.
02:5140 minutes and a $55 cab ride later, we found ourselves at Yankee Stadium.
02:56Who wants another?
02:57Miranda was a huge fan of the Yankees.
02:59I was a huge fan of being anywhere you could smoke and drink at 2 in the afternoon without judgment.
03:04Beer!
03:05Beer!
03:06Do they have hot cocoa?
03:06Okay.
03:07Coming up to bat.
03:08The new Yankee.
03:10Just up from the minors.
03:11Single.
03:11Oh, so cute.
03:12Woo!
03:13I can barely see him.
03:15Why are we sitting all the way up here?
03:17Because it's the only place I can smoke without Giuliani putting me away for 10 years.
03:20These seats suck.
03:22This hot dog sucks.
03:23My entire life sucks.
03:25Your life doesn't suck.
03:26You have a man who really loves you.
03:27Oh, yay love.
03:28Woo!
03:28I don't think you ladies understand the seriousness of my situation.
03:33How would you like to make love to this every night?
03:37Is it kosher?
03:40Don't make me laugh.
03:42It's tragic.
03:43Can we all just try and get into the game for a second?
03:45All right.
03:45Come on!
03:46Show us what you got!
03:48Last year this guy was Mr. September.
03:50He hit like 10 home runs in nine days.
03:52Ball!
03:53Good eye!
03:54Good eye!
03:55Way to watch him!
03:56He batted 373.
03:58He drove in 47 runs.
03:59His on-base percentage was 410.
04:01As Miranda went on and on about the new Yankee stats, I couldn't help but wonder about
04:05my own.
04:06Ten years playing in New York.
04:07Countless dates.
04:08Five real relationships.
04:09One serious.
04:10All ending in breakups.
04:12If I were a ball player, I'd be batting whatever really bat is.
04:17Woo!
04:17Woo!
04:18Oh my God!
04:19Here it comes!
04:20Oh my God!
04:21Ah!
04:25You got it!
04:26You got it!
04:26Woo!
04:27Woo!
04:29You know what the odds of catching a fly ball are?
04:32I didn't.
04:33But I couldn't help but wonder if they were any higher than finding a relationship that
04:36would last.
04:37Three innings, four beers, and one shameless flash of my press pass later, we waited outside
04:42the locker room to get my ball signed by the new Yankee.
04:45Hi.
04:46Good game.
04:47Did you see that bolt?
04:49Uh, he was wearing a cup.
04:51Well, honey, his cup runneth over.
04:59Okay.
04:59It's official.
05:00You're drunk.
05:01Oh, I'm not drunk.
05:02I'm sedated from my pain.
05:04She's allowed to be drunk.
05:05She's going through a breakup.
05:07Oh, hey.
05:09Hi.
05:09Excuse me.
05:10Huge Yankee fan.
05:12We don't mean to bother you, but my friend caught your ball.
05:15Ugh.
05:16This is her.
05:17I'm her friend.
05:18Hi.
05:18And we were wondering if you'd sign it.
05:21Oh, the foul ball to the upper deck?
05:51Yes.
05:52How about that?
05:53You'd be surprised.
05:55There you go.
05:57Woo!
06:00You're so cute.
06:03I'm going to ask him to the Dulce and Gabbana party.
06:05What?
06:08No, really.
06:09You can't.
06:12Yankee!
06:12Yankee!
06:17I don't know if it was the beer or the fact that I was holding his ball.
06:21Something gave me the strength to ask the new Yankee out.
06:24No, no, no.
06:26This is not fair.
06:27This is not the way this is supposed to happen.
06:29What?
06:30You told me to get back in the game.
06:32Yeah, with some balding CPA or other boring rebound guy.
06:36Nobody rebounds with the new Yankee.
06:38Well, maybe on the new Carrie.
06:40Come on, ladies.
06:40Let's blow this hot dog stand.
06:43Come on.
06:45Samantha, let's go!
06:49She knew it was risky, but a day of watching big men swing their big wooden bats proved to
06:54be too much for Samantha.
06:56She told herself, there's no harm in just looking.
07:10Can I help you?
07:14Um...
07:20As my ballpark cheap beer buzz wore off, I began to worry about the ramifications of my day.
07:26Was Charlotte right?
07:27Were we supposed to get over an ex in a slow, painful way?
07:31Or should we just ignore all the bad feelings and throw ourselves back in the game?
07:35In a world where leaving each other seems to be getting more and more frequent, what are the breakup rules?
07:41Whatever you do, man.
07:42Don't cry.
07:43Because if you do get back together again, then like you're the guy that cried.
07:49Don't call or see him until three months have passed.
07:52That's how long it takes to lose the weight you put on when you were breaking up.
07:54Give her whatever she wants, but don't sign a motherfucking thing.
07:59Change your name, change your phone number, change your job.
08:03They're all bums.
08:05You got a problem? Huh?
08:07Friday night, the Dolce & Gabbana party.
08:10The new Yankee was ten minutes late.
08:12I was running twenty behind.
08:20I was reaching for my favorite necklace when...
08:24I thought I'd destroyed all the evidence, but there it was.
08:27We'd taken it with a disposable camera before it ever dawned on me that we could be disposable as well.
08:32It was then and there I created my own very first breakup rule.
08:37Destroy all pictures where he looks sexy and you look happy.
08:44The party was a complete home run.
08:47All the fashion heavy hitters were there.
08:50Oh, come on, honey.
08:51Paul!
08:53Charlotte was dating Paul Erickson, the VP of a major recording label's classical and jazz division.
08:58Ladies, have a good time.
08:59You're not gonna believe it.
09:01This guy's never heard Miles Davis.
09:03I don't really like that jazz stuff.
09:05Stuff? Oh, you just wait.
09:06I'm gonna give you our best of Miles Davis CD.
09:09That stuff's gonna change your mind.
09:10His concentration of emotion and the phrasing?
09:13Oh, man. It's fucking magical.
09:14He was handsome, smart, eclectic. The perfect match for Charlotte.
09:19Except for one minor snag.
09:21The authenticity of Miles' timbre is gonna blow you away.
09:25I mean the fusion revolution.
09:27It changed the entire concept of contemporary music.
09:31There we were.
09:32Two single gals out on the town with our ballplayers.
09:45What's wrong?
09:47I went to school.
09:48I thought I saw it.
09:49Where?
09:49No, no, it wasn't him.
09:50It wasn't him.
09:51Do you think he'll be here?
09:53I don't know. I hadn't thought about it.
09:56Breakup rule number two. Lie.
09:58It's a lot easier than admitting that's why you invited the new Yankee,
10:01and why you maxed out your credit card to buy the dress.
10:05When Mr. Big never made an appearance, I decided to make the best of it.
10:09I actually got to know a little about this new Yankee.
10:12His name was Joe.
10:13So, Joe, the new Yankee, how'd you like your first fashion party?
10:18It's kinda cool.
10:21What?
10:22Nothing. It's just, uh, kinda cool.
10:26You're very succinct.
10:29What are you making fun of me?
10:31A little bit.
10:34Well, you're kinda cute.
10:36You're kinda cute, too.
10:43And there, in the shadow of my island,
10:46just four weeks out of my last relationship,
10:48I let the new Yankee get to first base.
10:52Our Saturday morning ritual, coffee, eggs, and a very private dish session.
10:57Except today, our dish wasn't so private.
10:59You're on page six.
11:00Oh, my God!
11:01Hot Yankee Joe Stark on town with New York calmness and sexpert.
11:06Carrie Bradshaw.
11:07Sexpert. It was a proud day for me.
11:08Oh, honey, that dress just paid for itself.
11:10Big is gonna see this and die.
11:12I don't want him to die.
11:13Oh, cut the shit. It's me. You're using that Yankee.
11:16Okay.
11:17Everybody has got to look at my new home pilot. It's amazing.
11:21It has my entire schedule.
11:22This is so great!
11:22The first time Big sees you, you look like that, and you're with the Yankee.
11:26Why are we still talking about him?
11:27He hurt her.
11:28He's out of the picture. It's over.
11:30Let's talk about something else, okay?
11:32Okay.
11:32Okay.
11:42I have a problem with my boyfriend.
11:45Okay, I'm gonna go get the check.
11:48I don't know really quite how to say this, but he's always, um, touching his, um...
11:53Balls. I know. Carrie told me.
11:54I had to. It freaked me out. I didn't know what the hell was going on there.
11:57I still don't. What is going on there?
11:59I don't know, but it's constant. You just can't seem to leave them alone.
12:03He and every other guy on the planet.
12:04They're always trying to pull our attention down there.
12:06Look what I got.
12:07I don't get it. He's from a good family.
12:10He went to Brown. Why is he doing that?
12:12Does he have a pair of low hangers?
12:13Is that a patented phrase?
12:15You know, sometimes they just hang so low they get in the way.
12:17I heard Nick Nolte had a ball lift.
12:19I don't know how long they are.
12:22Wait a minute.
12:22You've been dating this guy for three weeks and you haven't seen his balls yet?
12:26Oh, come on. Get with the program.
12:29But why do men do this?
12:31I mean, how would they feel if we stood around in public touching ourselves?
12:34They'd love it.
12:35What are we talking about?
12:37Charlotte's boyfriend's balls?
12:38Seriously?
12:39They're too long.
12:40She's just guessing.
12:42Okay. That's it. I'm out of here.
12:46All we talk about anymore is big or balls or small dicks.
12:53How does it happen that four such smart women have nothing to talk about but boyfriends?
12:57It's like seventh grade with bank accounts.
12:59What about us?
13:00What we think, we feel, we know.
13:02Christ!
13:03Does it always have to be about them?
13:06Just, you know, give me a call when you're ready to talk about something besides men for a change.
13:12In the case of Miranda Hobbs vs. Silly Women Everywhere, the verdict was in. Guilty as charged.
13:19After breakfast, Charlotte and I went shopping.
13:22Breakup rule number three.
13:24Until emotionally stabilized, enter no stores.
13:28Later that night, Samantha and James were about to enter the seventh inning stretch.
13:32Okay, honey. Now when I arch my back, I want you to lift that ass and really give it to
13:38me.
13:38Rather than quit mid-season, Samantha decided to attack her problem with the gusto of a seasoned coach training a
13:44rookie.
13:44Go! Go! Lift! Lift that ass! Give it to me! Give it to me!
13:53A good coach encourages and motivates.
13:56Oh, you are so hot! Oh, fuck me! Fuck me, you hot stuff!
14:05A good coach disciplines and criticizes.
14:08No! What are you doing back there? Let's go!
14:12And like every good coach, she passed on the benefits of her years of experience.
14:16Okay, baby. I'm close. I want you to get up here and slide inside of me. Hurry! Slide! Slide! Slide!
14:23Oh, yeah!
14:26Then, at the bottom of the ninth try, with two balls and two strikes, the coach had no choice but
14:33to bring in a pinch hitter.
14:35What's that?
14:37It's my vibrator. I thought it would be fun.
14:41Well, I think just us might be more fun. I mean, that's not a problem, is it?
14:50But there was no joy in Mudville. Mighty Samantha had struck out.
14:57But a little further up town, the ball game was just getting started.
15:02I have a present for you.
15:04I thought you just gave me one.
15:12I was at Barney's today. And, well, here.
15:18Charlotte had decided a possible solution to her problem might be as simple as briefs versus boxers.
15:24The salesman said that these were the very best.
15:27They're like the wonder bra for men. They give good support. Something about the pouch.
15:33We haven't even made love yet, and you're already out shopping for me? Slow down!
15:37No, no. It's not like that.
15:39It's what?
15:41Well...
15:41But Charlotte couldn't bring herself to tell him the problem was foul balls.
15:45This is too fast. Way too fast. First comes the underwear, and then you move in, and then the next
15:52thing I know, you hate my music!
15:56And that was that. He broke it off after only three weeks.
16:00Charlotte, true to form, was over him in exactly a week and a half.
16:04Whenever Miranda was feeling stressed out, she went for a long walk.
16:08She'd lose herself in the places and faces, and whatever was bothering her would somehow lift.
16:12But today, she would have no such luck.
16:15I mean, I really liked him. I really thought he liked me. Why didn't he call me?
16:20And just when Miranda decided she was the only woman in New York with any real perspective on men, there
16:28he was. Eric Asshole. The former love of her life. Walking hand in hand with the woman he loved her
16:34for.
16:49Somewhere between playing the Royals and the Red Sox, the new Yankee found a minute to teach me some dugout
16:54pastimes.
16:55One, two, three, tossed.
16:56Oh, God! Shit!
16:59If you don't get this, we don't move on to Spain.
17:01Alright, here. Hold it there.
17:03It's turning your head down.
17:04Alright, wait.
17:05Back, back, back, back.
17:06Sorry.
17:09Breakup rule number four. Never stop thinking about him, even for a moment. Because that's the moment he'll appear.
17:17As he made his way through the crowd, I felt calm. I had accomplished the perfect first meeting. I looked
17:24good, I felt good, and I was with the new Yankee.
17:27Surprise, surprise.
17:28Well, look at you.
17:30I've been, um, I mean, I keep meaning. Good, good, good, good, good, good. Oh, God, sorry. This is, um,
17:36this is Joe Stark.
17:37I know who he is. I'm a big fan. Good luck this season.
17:40Thanks.
17:42Saw your picture in the paper.
17:45Never looked better.
18:11You want another round?
18:22Hey, some buddies of mine are over at a bar in Bleeker. How about it?
18:25Sure.
18:27Hey.
18:37I'm sorry.
18:40I'm really sorry it's not you. This is, this is really embarrassing. I'm sorry. I'm really embarrassed.
18:46It's okay. It's okay. You're okay.
18:48No, I don't think I'm okay. I just, I just cried in your mouth. I'm, I just, I can't, uh,
18:56I'm just not, I'm not ready. You know.
19:00That guy in the bar, that, that, that suit guy. I'm just, I better go. Sorry.
19:07You want me to give you a ride home?
19:09No, Joe, please. Just don't pay any more attention to me, all right? Just go, please. Just go to that
19:13bar thing and I'm, I'm just gonna get a cab, all right?
19:17Just, please, will you just go? All right, then I'll go.
19:36But I didn't go home. I couldn't. I went to a pay phone. Hey, it's me. Hi. Listen, I know
19:45things are really weird between us right now, but I really need to talk. Can you, will you meet me
19:51at our place in like 15 minutes? Okay. Okay.
20:10Hi.
20:28Hi. I saw Big and I completely fell apart. And I know you want me to be over him. I
20:35just don't. I'm a jerk. It's my stuff. It's not you.
20:42I saw Eric on the street today. And I hid. After two years. I forgot how hard it is. You
20:53just take all the time you need, okay?
21:04These are cold.
21:08Joe?
21:10Mm-hmm.
21:12And finally, the most important breakup rule. No matter who broke your heart or how long it takes to heal,
21:19you'll never get through it without your friends.
21:29Two years ago, my friend, Susan Sharon, the East Coast rep for a line of Italian cashmere sportswear, married a
21:36very mean man.
21:37What did I tell you about listening to my CDs? You put Natalie Imbruglia back and you too!
21:45Now I only see her once or twice a year, generally when her husband's out of town.
21:49And now I cannot remember if I've taken my halcyon before dinner or not. So I take another one. I
21:54have a cocktail. I'm feeling no pain. The next thing I know, this freaked out stewardess is slapping me awake.
22:00Senora! Senora! Buena sera! Buena sera!
22:03So I open my eyes. I look around the plate. It's completely empty. Turns out we landed in Milan 30
22:09minutes ago.
22:09Oh my god.
22:11Oh, you know what? Come up to my apartment because I have something for you.
22:17Oh, wow! The place looks fantastic!
22:20Shh!
22:20Richard's.
22:21Oh.
22:22Let's get right back.
22:22Okay.
22:24Susan Sharon and her husband had one of those very adult apartments that made me feel like I was about
22:2916, visiting the home of a friend whose parents thought I was a bad influence.
22:34Happy birthday, Carrie.
22:36Happy birthday, Carrie.
22:38I know it's a little early.
22:40Oh, jeez.
22:44Oh, Susan Sharon, it's beautiful.
22:47It's 100% Italian cashmere and light as a feather.
22:50Oh god, I love it. It's a cashmere gold.
22:53You wouldn't believe what Barney's gets for this.
22:55Oh, don't tell me.
22:56$900.
22:57$900 for a scarf? No.
22:59Oh, no.
23:01Listen, do you mind if I return it? I could really use the cash.
23:04No, why not? Why do you think they call it cashmere?
23:08Ouch.
23:10What the hell is going on?
23:12Sorry, honey, but Carrie had this idea about returning.
23:15What?
23:16Was our agreement about visitors after 9pm?
23:19I know, it's just that it's her birthday.
23:21I'm on London time!
23:22I gotta be up in three hours when the market's open!
23:26So I'd really appreciate it if you take the fucking noise somewhere else!
23:31Okay, sweetie, I'm gonna give you a call, okay?
23:32Okay, you know what? Just ignore him.
23:34You don't have to leave.
23:34No, shh, it's okay, it's okay, it's okay.
23:35I'll talk to you.
23:38Good night, Crumpy.
23:39Get the fuck out of my house!
23:41Taunting the psychotic spouse, I realized, was not a wise move.
23:44Shut up!
23:45Just shut the fuck up!
23:49Wondered, could Susan Sharon's marriage be that bad?
23:52Or was their fighting just a form of foreplay?
23:54In which case, I was merely the catalyst to get things going.
24:04Hello?
24:05I am so sorry.
24:06I'm so embarrassed.
24:08No, don't be.
24:09He's just...
24:09He's just tired and cranky.
24:12That was classic Richard.
24:13Tyrannical, emotionally abusive.
24:16I don't know what to do anymore.
24:18Well, maybe there were special circumstances tonight that...
24:20He works hard.
24:21He's sleep deprived, blah, blah, blah.
24:23I don't give a shit.
24:28What would you do if you were with a guy like that?
24:30Would you leave?
24:30Well, like, you know, if things didn't change.
24:32Well, they haven't.
24:34And they won't.
24:37So, you think I should leave him?
24:40If you're not happy.
24:41You know, life's too short.
24:44I gotta go.
24:45As I hung up, I realized I had just been placed in a classic, no-win situation.
24:50Telling a friend to leave her husband is something you just don't do.
24:54If she does break up with him, it's your fault.
24:56If she doesn't break up with him, she knows that you think that she should, and therefore can never speak
25:00to you again.
25:00Either way, you're screwed.
25:02Which is a shame, because there goes your cashmere connection.
25:04She had me in a weak moment.
25:06I was tired.
25:07I'd just been chased out of her apartment.
25:08I have a birthday lumine.
25:11I said too much.
25:12No, I just think in an intimate relationship, you should be able to say anything.
25:16I would highly disagree.
25:18Practically all the relationships I know are based on a foundation of lies and mutually accepted delusion.
25:23James and me, for instance, I pretend that he doesn't have a small dick, and he pretends not to notice
25:29we haven't had sex for three weeks.
25:31You should be working for the U.M.
25:32I happen to be in an intimate relationship at the moment, and I can tell you that the level of
25:37verbal discourse has become a little too intimate.
25:40Are we speaking of spring roll guy?
25:42Spring roll guy?
25:43Who's that?
25:43Aaron Melman.
25:44He's a dermatologist I met at the Vietnamese lunch truck outside my building.
25:47So what's the problem?
25:49The problem, if you can call it that, is spring roll guy like to talk dirty in bed.
25:54Oh, baby.
25:55I just love the way your pussy feels.
25:58So wet and warm and tight.
26:02Pissing your beautiful tits feels unbelievably sexy.
26:06So hot and nasty.
26:08How's it feel to you?
26:10Um, what you said.
26:12That can be a turn on.
26:14Sure.
26:15But now he wants me to reciprocate, and I can't.
26:18I never could.
26:19Why not?
26:20Because sex is not a time to chat.
26:23In fact, it's one of the few instances in my overly articulated, exceedingly verbal life where it is perfectly appropriate,
26:29if not preferable, to shut up.
26:31And now suddenly I have to worry about being stumped for conversation?
26:34No thank you.
26:35Just keep talking about his big cock.
26:37Correction.
26:38His big, beautiful cock.
26:40We're using the C word now?
26:41Sorry.
26:42I can't use adjectives.
26:44A simple you're so hard is often quite effective.
26:46Hmm.
26:46Sometimes men just need to hear a little encouragement.
26:49Such as?
26:49You know.
26:50Yes.
26:51That's right.
26:52Uh-huh.
26:53Don't stop.
26:54Just like that.
26:54Come on, fucker.
26:55Don't stop.
26:57You're kidding, right?
26:59Wow.
27:00No, they like it.
27:02So are you really telling us that during sex you're just completely mute?
27:07No.
27:08I can do a good orgasm alert.
27:10You know, I'm gonna cum.
27:11I'm gonna cum.
27:12I'm gonna cum.
27:13But that's because, you know, I'm gonna cum.
27:15Anything else feels like make-believe.
27:17Well, if you really like this guy, then you're gonna have to start talking.
27:22Was Miranda right?
27:24Have we put such a premium on being open and honest with one another that we've misplaced
27:28the boundaries of propriety?
27:30Are there still certain things in a relationship one should never say?
27:34My best friend just got engaged to the biggest loser I've ever met.
27:37What am I supposed to tell her?
27:38You're marrying an imbecile?
27:40My wife, she's had her breasts done twice.
27:42They look fantastic.
27:43They feel like shit.
27:46I keep that thought to myself.
27:47I'm a single 38-year-old woman still hoping to get married.
27:51I don't want to know the truth.
27:52I told Richard I couldn't spend another day married to a man who behaves like an utter asshole.
27:58There it was, standing across from me.
28:00Biscotti eating, cashmired-swaddled proof that I had said too much.
28:04So then what happened?
28:04Well, once I said that, the floodgates just opened.
28:07He said to me that there was this moment during our wedding
28:09when he looked at me and he felt this huge wave of disappointment
28:11because I looked so generic.
28:13And I said to him, you know what, on second thought,
28:15no, I don't think the Rogaine is working.
28:17So then he said to me that if I leave, all he'll feel for me is pity
28:20because he'll be remarried within a year and I'll be single for the rest of my life.
28:24I didn't want to tell Susan Sharon that his last statement was probably true.
28:28I just feel like I owe you so much.
28:31I mean, if it wasn't for you, I wouldn't have had the guts to do this.
28:34Oh, well, I didn't really tell you.
28:35It's like I was under house arrest for the past few years and now I'm suddenly free.
28:39So what are you going to do?
28:41Do you mind if I stay at your place tonight?
28:44Oh, of course not.
28:45That evening, as Susan Sharon squatted on my couch,
28:49Charlotte came home to the new male in her life.
28:52Fed up with lonely mornings, cuddle-free nights, and the lack of unconditional love she so longed for,
28:57Charlotte decided to take matters into her own hands.
29:00She combed the city for the perfect specimen of breeding, style, and trendiness.
29:05Henry, I'm home.
29:09Hi, my good boy.
29:10Hello, Henry, my good boy.
29:14Until she found the perfect man, Charlotte would have the perfect dog.
29:19That night, Samantha, who was never any good at keeping a secret,
29:22suddenly found the one thing she couldn't say was the only thing she could think about.
29:26Sweetheart, is anything wrong?
29:28Because if there is, I want you to tell me.
29:30Oh, no, honey, I'm tired.
29:31I just feel like you've become so distant.
29:34Like you're upset with me about something.
29:35I'm sorry.
29:36It's not you.
29:37It's me.
29:38I'm not upset about anything.
29:41You're wonderful.
29:44Will you do me a favor and come see a couples counselor with me?
29:46Samantha dreaded the shrink the way most people feared the dentist.
29:51Well, if it's really important to you...
29:53Great.
29:55Good night.
29:56She suddenly longed for the simple days of emotional unavailability and hot one-night stands.
30:05Meanwhile, across town, Miranda was appearing as Eliza Doolittle in My Filthy Lady.
30:12I just love kissing this sensitive spot right here.
30:16You like that?
30:18Uh-huh.
30:20Tell me what you like.
30:22That?
30:25You like my hand there?
30:27Caressing your breath?
30:29Sure.
30:31Gently pinching your nipple?
30:33Fine.
30:35Oh, yeah. Kissing my chest.
30:37That's hot.
30:38That really turns me on.
30:40How's it feel?
30:42Hot?
30:42Hot.
30:45And?
30:48Harry?
30:48Oh, God. You're getting me hard.
30:51Tell me how it feels.
30:53Big?
30:55And?
30:57Hard?
31:00Rock hard.
31:01Yeah, keep talking.
31:03A big...
31:04A big...
31:05Yes.
31:06A hard...
31:07Rock.
31:09A big...
31:10Hard...
31:11Rock.
31:11Oh, yeah.
31:13A sausage.
31:14Oh, baby, you are so nasty.
31:15Surprisingly enough, once Miranda opened her mouth, she found it difficult to shut up.
31:19A big...
31:20Throbbing...
31:21Rock...
31:22Hard...
31:23Sausage.
31:25That night, I took Susan Sharon to meet the new male in Charlotte's life.
31:29True to form, he was already falling far short of her high expectations.
31:34Well, he did it a minute ago.
31:35He was inconsistent.
31:38Get the ball, Henry.
31:39Selfishly stubborn.
31:40And hopelessly codependent.
31:42Isn't he smart?
31:43We shouldn't stay long.
31:44I want to be back at your apartment in case Richard calls.
31:47What do you mean? I thought you were leaving him.
31:48I am, but if he calls, I want to be there to tell him that I don't want to talk
31:50to him.
31:50Well, that's really passive-aggressive.
31:52You should only speak to him if you have something specific to say.
31:56Do you believe I married such a prick?
31:57Well, he didn't know he was a prick.
31:59I just can't believe that prick hasn't called.
32:01Although he does have this sweet side, you know?
32:03You just don't know him very well.
32:05Do you think I did the right thing, Henry?
32:07Or should I give him another chance?
32:09He's a dog, not an oracle.
32:16The next morning, I woke up to an unsettling birthday surprise.
32:21Coming.
32:25Is that you?
32:39Oh, my God.
32:41Best wishes on your birthday.
32:43It's from big.
32:45What kind of flowers?
32:46Roses.
32:46Red.
32:48Big.
32:50Expensive.
32:51What do you think it means?
32:53It means rip up the card.
32:54And watch out for the thorns.
32:56No, no, no.
32:56This is the grand gesture.
32:58The grand gesture?
33:00Yeah, you know.
33:01If you break up with someone and they just disappear from your life altogether,
33:04well, then it wasn't meant to be.
33:05But, if they make a powerful declaration of their love,
33:08then you really have to reconsider.
33:09You think a dozen roses and a card that says best wishes qualifies as the grand gesture?
33:14Well, you know men, they can never say I was wrong.
33:16They just send flowers.
33:18Yeah, well, sometimes a rose is just a rose.
33:20Now, jewelry.
33:21That's another story.
33:22Henry, no.
33:23Henry, no.
33:24Not the purse.
33:25You know, I really don't need this on my birthday.
33:28I mean, really, what does this mean?
33:29The balls in my court or something?
33:31You don't want to play games?
33:34This is not the grand gesture.
33:35This is the vague gesture.
33:37Which is truly worse than no gesture at all.
33:39You know, under the guise of being thoughtful, he's actually being very selfish.
33:42I agree.
33:42He's muddied the waters.
33:43Oh, you're all just cuckoo.
33:44The man sends her flowers on her birthday and you're all condemning him.
33:47Henry, no.
33:48No, damn it, no.
33:49For Christ's sake, give that dog a break.
33:51He's already eaten four pairs of shoes.
33:52I just don't want him starting on the purses.
33:54Damn it, now.
33:55Okay, we're gonna go home.
33:57You said you wanted to get out and socialize, but you just have to learn how to bathe.
34:00Bye.
34:02You're just gonna have to learn how to bathe.
34:04I told you.
34:05I told you.
34:05Speaking of cuckoo.
34:07Charlotte was at the point in her relationship where she was starting to see the real Henry.
34:12But she did raise a valid question.
34:14Was I was wrong the one thing Mr. Big couldn't say?
34:19I realized that just because we were no longer together didn't mean I couldn't be polite.
34:26Yeah?
34:27Hey, it's me.
34:29Carrie.
34:30Hey, how are you doing?
34:31Great.
34:32Great.
34:32Listen, I just wanted to call and thank you for the flowers.
34:35That was very thoughtful of you.
34:36Oh, yeah, yeah.
34:37Well, you know, my secretary had it on her calendar, so I, you know.
34:41Oh.
34:42So your secretary sent them?
34:43No, I sent the flowers.
34:45My secretary alerted me to the day.
34:48Oh.
34:48Well, that was very thoughtful of her and you for sending them.
34:51So you're welcome.
34:52What are you doing on the big day?
34:54Oh, well, uh, Stanford's arranged this party down at Layla.
34:58You know, it's that Moroccan restaurant.
34:59You should come.
35:00The instant the words popped out of my mouth, I regretted them.
35:03Um, well, I, I, uh, I made some plans already, but...
35:07Or not.
35:08I mean, just forget it.
35:09I could, uh, maybe stop by later.
35:11Oh, fine.
35:12I mean, whatever.
35:13Uh, I may bring someone.
35:16Well, yeah, uh, maybe I'll see you later and, and thank you again for the thoughtful flowers.
35:27I couldn't believe it.
35:29I had just invited my ex and his date to my birthday party.
35:33As if getting older wasn't traumatic enough.
35:36That afternoon, in the office of Velma Rudin, celebrated psychologist and author of Into Me See, A Couple's Guide to
35:42Intimacy,
35:43Samantha did her best not to say the one thing she knew she should not say.
35:48I can't help but notice that our sex life has diminished.
35:50It's, it's normal, isn't it?
35:52I mean, after a while...
35:53How long has it been?
35:55Uh...
35:55A month.
35:57Don't take it all so seriously.
35:59Have fun with your sexuality.
36:01Have you tried playing erotic games?
36:04Samantha had a burning desire to confess that James had been playing hide the salami since the day they met.
36:09I'm just not feeling very sexual these days.
36:13I saw you masturbating the other day when I came out of the shower.
36:18Many women are simply unable to achieve orgasm through intercourse.
36:22It's nothing to be ashamed of.
36:24I think you have a big problem with intimacy.
36:26No, that, that's not it.
36:28Then what is it?
36:28It's, it's nothing.
36:29Nothing, forget about it.
36:30Sweetheart, there's nothing you can say that can hurt me as long as it's what you're feeling.
36:33That seems to be all the time we have for today.
36:36Nice work, you two.
36:37Shall we say next week, same time?
36:39Good for me.
36:41Samantha?
36:42The idea of seeing Velma into Misi Rudin on a weekly basis was much more than Samantha could bear.
36:49Your penis is too small.
36:52Excuse me?
36:53It doesn't, and it just, it, it can't.
36:57And, and I can't.
36:58And it's, it's just too damn small.
37:02Did you ever stop to think that maybe your vagina's too big?
37:13What can I say?
37:14I need a big dick.
37:15I hear that.
37:17As Samantha paid the price of mentioning the unmentionable, Miranda discovered that free speech comes with a cost of its
37:24own.
37:24I just love putting my hand around your cock.
37:27I just love hearing you say cock.
37:30Your big hard cock.
37:33Cock, cock, cock, cock.
37:36Why couldn't I ever say that before?
37:38It's just a word.
37:40And why does it turn us both on when I say it?
37:43What else do you like?
37:45I like it when you're rough.
37:46When you throw my legs over your head, I lose all control.
37:49Mm-hmm.
37:50And what do I like?
37:53You like it when I'm biting your nipple.
37:56Mm-hmm.
37:57And what else?
37:58You like it when I'm kissing your balls.
38:02Oh yeah, keep going.
38:04And you really like it when I slip my finger in your ass.
38:11Excuse me?
38:12You just love a finger in your ass.
38:15Oh.
38:19How was I supposed to know that you love a finger in your ass is the one thing you can't
38:23say to a man in bed?
38:24Trust me, that's not the only thing.
38:26But it's true.
38:26He enjoys it.
38:27So do a lot of men.
38:28Well, no, they enjoy it.
38:29They just don't want it brought to their attention.
38:31Personally, I don't like anything in my ass.
38:35I know that may come as a surprise.
38:37I just feel so betrayed, you know?
38:39He tried to get me to start talking dirty, then I kind of got into it a little bit, and
38:43then he pulled the rug out from under me.
38:44Men are so frustratingly inconsistent.
38:46That's why I love my Henry.
38:47He's just a big love bug.
38:49Can you tell him anything and he just licks your face?
38:50Charlotte, you may be onto something.
38:54Werder, another double vodka rocks for the birthday girl, please.
38:56The truth was, vodka was my only ally.
38:58At any moment, Big was just gonna walk right in here with his gorgeous date, smile at me like some
39:03distant stranger, and say something absolutely crushing like...
39:05Happy birthday, baby.
39:08Hi.
39:10Hey, glad you could make it.
39:11Can't stay long.
39:12Left my camel outside.
39:15Oh, uh, Carrie, you remember Jack, right?
39:18Jack?
39:18I mean, Jack is your date?
39:21Well, I wasn't aware that we were formally dating, but now that you...
39:23It is so good to see you again.
39:26How have you been?
39:28Marvelous.
39:28Just spit up with a bitch who broke my heart.
39:30At least you didn't get my money.
39:32Well, happy birthday to me.
39:42An hour later, my Arabian Nights fantasy birthday suddenly felt like Midnight Express.
39:50How are you?
39:51Great!
39:52How are you?
39:53Great!
39:53Fine.
39:54Good.
39:55Excuse me, what is your ex doing at your birthday?
39:59I told him to drop by for a drink.
40:01Geez, I didn't think he'd stay for a lap dance.
40:03Oh, my God.
40:04Have you tried the baba ghanoush?
40:06It is to die for.
40:07I don't eat baba ghanoush.
40:09Oh, you don't know what you're missing.
40:11I can't believe the bastard had the nerve to show up.
40:14I can't believe what that woman can do with her belly button.
40:16Please, I think I'm about to lose my couscous.
40:19While I watched my ex get a Mesopotamian lap dance,
40:22Susan Sharon made a play for Mr. Marvelous.
40:24I don't know if I can deal with being single all over again.
40:26I mean, it's not like every relationship doesn't have its ups and downs, you know?
40:29It's just that my husband and I, we work very hard,
40:30and we probably don't spend enough down time together, you know?
40:33Compounded by the fact that neither of us gets enough sleep, you know?
40:35But then again, who does?
40:37It's just that I really never imagined myself as a divorcee, you know?
40:40But I do think it's more important to till your own soil
40:43than it is to go in search of greener pastures.
40:46Do you ever shut the fuck up?
40:50In that moment, Susan Sharon suddenly realized
40:53how much she desperately missed her husband.
40:57Henry!
40:58That night, Charlotte came home to a very unpleasant surprise.
41:06Henry!
41:08Henry!
41:09Bad!
41:11Bad!
41:12Charlotte realized, like so many males before him,
41:15Henry had shit all over her perfect world.
41:18He and Charlotte soon parted ways.
41:20And the one thing she could never say was,
41:22I got rid of the puppy.
41:24Of course we all know what happened to him.
41:26He'd become the glue that put Susan Sharon and her husband back together again.
41:30Shut up!
41:31Shut the fuck up!
41:32Although neither of them could ever admit that a dog saved their marriage.
41:36And later that evening, as my birthday passed into the early morning hours of just another day,
41:40I found myself alone on the street with Mr. Big.
41:43Another year older.
41:45And none the wiser.
41:46Hey, that's the way it goes.
41:57I left all my twenties and that belly dancer's crotch.
42:04Well?
42:06Well?
42:08Good night.
42:12Good night.
42:32As I watched him go, I realized the one thing I couldn't say to Mr. Big was,
42:38I'm still not over you.
42:48I'm just coming in.
42:48The weather is tomorrow morning,
42:49and I'm just taking the sun out and then I'm just taking the sun,
42:49and I'm just looking for the oh my first day.
42:50I'm just gonna wonder if it's gonna be the morning,
42:50and I'll be really nice.
42:51But I saw it and I'm just gonna go.
42:52You will not be picked up.