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00:00In a city of perfect people, no one was more perfect than Brooke.
00:07She was an interior designer who only dated A-list guys.
00:12For Brooke, every Saturday night was like the senior prom.
00:19So, when she got married, we were all dying to see which one had made the cut.
00:26Was I the only one who remembered that Brooke once described this man as more boring than exposed brick?
00:38It was your average $100,000 wedding.
00:44Investment bankers and the women who hate them.
00:48Classmates from Steiner, Dalton, Lynn Brown.
00:51And us.
00:52We look like the witches of Eastwick.
01:07A wedding this size always has two singles tables.
01:12We were at the other one.
01:17Hello.
01:20Hi, I'm Bernie Turtletop, friend of the groom.
01:26It was the turtle, a Manhattan legend known for two things, good investments and bad wrath.
01:31God, my feet are killing me.
01:33Here, sit down.
01:34I can't.
01:34This outfit only works if I'm standing.
01:36Oh, I think it works either way.
01:40You know, I think I'm at that table over there.
01:46Your friend is gorgeous.
01:49What do I have to do to get to know her better?
01:58Do you think the pairs in this tart are Bosque or Bartlett?
02:02Who cares?
02:04Two hours later, we were bored.
02:07Supplies were dwindling.
02:08And one of our passengers had jumped ship.
02:11So are we going to stick around and catch the bouquet?
02:13That is so not going to happen.
02:16Fuck!
02:17They've got to be possible.
02:23Oh, can you believe I finally did it?
02:29Your next bill's got some great singles hands.
02:36It's always better to marry someone who loves you more than you love them.
02:45People are always telling me things I don't want to hear.
02:48But this one crossed the line.
02:52Hey, did I wake you?
02:54Not at all.
02:55Question.
02:56Why do people get married if they're not in love?
02:59I don't know.
03:01Companionship.
03:02Guilt.
03:04Political asylum.
03:05Well, why did you get married?
03:07I was a fool in love.
03:08Oh, that is so sweet.
03:11And then I was a fool in divorce court.
03:13Yeah, now you're just a fool.
03:15Exactly.
03:15Which is why I'm never getting married again.
03:19Suddenly, I had to concentrate on breathing.
03:23Are you in bed with someone?
03:25No, are you?
03:26Just three slices of wedding cake.
03:28Are you jealous?
03:29That depends.
03:31What are your plans for the frosting?
03:33Good night.
03:34Good night.
03:36I hung up the phone wondering, could I date a man who would never get married?
03:42Something's got a hold on me.
03:44Wow.
03:45A guy who doesn't want to get married.
03:47Filming a lemon.
03:47Don't tell me you're surprised by this.
03:49You know who wants to get married?
03:51Men who miss their mommy.
03:52Maybe this wasn't my target audience.
03:54Am I the only one who thinks this is a major bummer?
03:57What if you spend five years with them and in the end you have nothing to show for it?
04:00I wasn't even thinking about getting married until he told me I couldn't think about it.
04:03Now it's all I can think about.
04:04Don't just be cool.
04:05You don't care.
04:06Then he'll wonder why you don't, which will make him realize that he does.
04:10And then it's a whole new ballgame.
04:11So in your world it's always sixth grade, is that it?
04:14I think that a relationship has to be based on honesty and communication if it has any chance of succeeding.
04:19Okay.
04:20If you were 25 that would be adorable, but you're 32 now.
04:23So that's just stupid.
04:24Well I can't just ignore it, can I?
04:26Yeah.
04:26No.
04:27What's the big deal?
04:28In 50 years men are going to be obsolete anyway.
04:30I mean already you can't talk to them.
04:32You don't need them to have kids with.
04:34You don't even need them to have sex with anymore as I've just very pleasantly discovered.
04:38Uh oh, sounds like somebody just got their first vibrator.
04:40Not first.
04:42Ultimate.
04:43And I think I'm in love.
04:44Oh please stop.
04:46This is so sad.
04:47Come on, I'm not going to replace a man with some battery operated device.
04:50Yeah, you say that, but you haven't met the rabbit.
04:52Oh come on, if you're going to get a vibrator, at least get one called the horse.
04:55A vibrator does not call you on your birthday.
04:58A vibrator doesn't send you flowers the next day and you cannot take a vibrator home to meet your mother.
05:03Well, I know where my next orgasm is coming from.
05:06Who here can say as much?
05:12That night, Samantha went on a date with a flesh and blood man, while the three of us went in
05:17search of furrier companionship.
05:19Ladies, I'd like you to meet the rabbit.
05:24Ninety-two dollars?
05:25Please, think about the money we spend on shoes.
05:28Well, I have no intention of using that.
05:29I'm saving sex for someone I love.
05:31Fantastic.
05:32Is there a man in the picture?
05:35Look!
05:35Oh, it's so cute!
05:37Oh, I thought it would be all scary and weird, but it isn't.
05:40It's pink!
05:41For girls!
05:42I love the little bunny, it has a little space, like Peter Rabbit.
05:47I mean, it's even got a remote.
05:48I mean, how lazy do you have to be?
05:51Later that night, back at the briar patch...
05:54Oh, wow.
06:00Hello?
06:01You are not going to believe the evening I have had.
06:08Are you listening to me?
06:10Yeah.
06:12Jerry, who Samantha met at Brooke's wedding, took her to Lava, New York's restaurant du jour.
06:23From the moment I saw you at that wedding, I knew we'd be having dinner together.
06:28Well, aren't you cocky?
06:30I'm the kind of guy I see something.
06:33I like it.
06:35I go after it.
06:36You sound like my kind of guy.
06:38I hold that thought.
06:40I'll be right back.
06:49Ten minutes and a couple of cocktails later...
06:54How is he?
07:09He obviously had seen something else he liked and gone after it.
07:20Then, just when she thought her evening couldn't get any worse...
07:24Samantha?
07:25Hey, Samantha!
07:26It's me!
07:28Bernie Turtletow.
07:30You're from the wedding.
07:32Oh, right.
07:34Are you here all by yourself?
07:35Uh, well, sort of.
07:37I'm...
07:37Oh, sit down.
07:38Join me!
07:43God, you look great.
07:45What Samantha needed now, more than anything, was a compliment from anyone.
07:55I can't believe the synchronicity.
07:57I was just thinking about you.
07:59Uh-huh.
08:01So, do you like this shirt?
08:04My ex-girlfriend picked it out for me.
08:07Honey, no offense, but your breath...
08:11Oh, I know.
08:12It's these Chinese...
08:22I killed the last woman that talked to me like that.
08:27Samantha was impressed.
08:29The turtle had attempted a joke.
08:31This is from the farm.
08:32You know, a lot of people can't tell the difference between Fusoto and Fusola.
08:37Once we get the breath under control, I'm going to take him shopping for a whole new wardrobe.
08:41He's a cute little fixer-upper.
08:43Sweetheart, he's a man on a brownstone.
08:45Honey, when I'm through with him, he'll be Gracie Mansion.
08:50Samantha and the turtle?
08:52But then again, I'm dating a man who will never get married,
08:55and Miranda's having a meaningful relationship with something that comes in a box from Japan.
09:00In a city of great expectations, is it time to settle for what you can get?
09:06I needed some answers.
09:08Later that week, I met Brooke.
09:09Just back from her honeymoon, she was all business.
09:12The business of marriage.
09:13If I like to return peas, is there any way you can melt them down into one decent gift?
09:19His friends.
09:21So, how is it being married?
09:24It's fabulous. I feel like an enormous weight has been lifted.
09:27And that's a good thing.
09:29What's that supposed to mean?
09:30Oh, it just, um, I mean, just means you're, you're, I meant you're happy with Alan, right?
09:35Yes, I'm happy.
09:37Well, then I'm happy for you.
09:41Hey, listen, um, I hope I didn't give you the wrong idea.
09:44I, I think Alan's great.
09:46I just, I mean, he's incredibly successful.
09:48Look, we all think we're Carolyn to set, and one day John John's out of the picture,
09:52and we're happy just to have some guy who can throw around a frisbee.
09:55Oh, look who's here.
09:56Hey, you two.
09:57Hey.
09:59I couldn't believe it.
10:01It was the turtle wearing Helmut Lang.
10:03Wow, he looks great.
10:05Doesn't he?
10:06Oh.
10:07Oh.
10:08Oh, he twirls.
10:09What do you think?
10:10Fabulous.
10:11He's like a whole new person.
10:15Don't I have a three o'clock?
10:16Oh, that's right.
10:17I'm taking him to Bliss for a facial.
10:18Oh.
10:18See you later.
10:20Bye.
10:21Oh, you know, I have to run, too.
10:22Oh, I'll call you.
10:23Okay.
10:24Smart girl.
10:25She seems happy.
10:28Samantha left with the turtle.
10:30Brooke left with a better gift.
10:31And I left wondering if everyone in Manhattan was settling.
10:35My Zen teacher once told me that there was nothing like yoga to quiet a busy mind,
10:40just as I had reached the moment of no thought.
10:43I think I broke my vagina.
10:44Oh, sorry, my point guard?
10:46Metaphorically, I mean, with the rabbit.
10:48Oh, so you've been using it.
10:50Yes, and I'm scared if I keep using it, I'll never be able to enjoy sex with a man again.
10:54Why?
10:55Well, have you ever been with a man, you know, and he's like, he's doing everything,
10:59and it feels good, but somehow you just can't manage to, um...
11:03Come?
11:04Yeah.
11:05Well, it's weird, because with the rabbit, it's like every time, boom.
11:09And one time, I came for like five minutes.
11:13Oh, Charlotte, honey, it's not illegal.
11:14Yeah, but no man ever did that.
11:16I mean, I'm scared.
11:17What am I going to do?
11:18Well, you know, you could still enjoy sex with a man and the rabbit.
11:21No.
11:22No, no, no, I'm done with it.
11:24That's it.
11:24I've never been to touch that thing again.
11:26Oh.
11:29Oh, uh, uh, I got a cancel on the ballet tonight.
11:33Oh, why?
11:34Oh, I'm expecting a, uh, uh, phone call, a long-distance phone call, transatlantic.
11:41Charlotte could never tell a decent lie.
11:43I knew an addict when I saw one.
11:45Oh, I love Sleeping Beauty.
11:47The music, the sets, the costumes.
11:50It's so romantic.
11:51You only like it because she gets to sleep for a hundred years, and she doesn't age.
11:55I invited Stanford to the ballet.
11:57I knew he was available.
11:58Hey, Stanford.
11:59Cute, huh?
12:02I've had it with the whole gay scene.
12:04It's so competitive.
12:06You won't believe what happened to me last week.
12:08Evidently, Stanford, tired of bars and blind dates, decided to place a personal ad.
12:14He scheduled a rendezvous with the only respondent on a cold Sunday afternoon.
12:2120 minutes and three false alarms later, Stanford was ready to call it quits.
12:27Stanford?
12:28Yes?
12:31Sorry.
12:32This is not going to happen.
12:37It's so brutal out there.
12:39Even guys like me don't want guys like me.
12:42I just don't have that gay look.
12:44I don't know.
12:45You look pretty gay to me.
12:47Come on, maybe it's just a phase.
12:49Puberty is a phase.
12:51Fifteen years of rejection is a lifestyle.
12:53I mean, sometimes I think I should just marry a woman and get all the money.
12:58What is there, a cash prize?
12:59Oh, yeah.
13:00My grandmother gives everyone in the family their inheritance when they get married.
13:05She doesn't know you're gay?
13:06She doesn't believe in gay.
13:07No, really?
13:08That's funny.
13:08Big doesn't believe in marriage.
13:10Maybe you should propose to me and we'll all live happily ever after.
13:13You really do want it all.
13:15I don't know.
13:15Maybe nobody gets it all.
13:18Though, you do have a point.
13:20We're best friends.
13:21We make each other laugh.
13:23We both sleep with men.
13:25You know, this is not a bad idea at all.
13:27Well, actually, I was kidding.
13:29I'm not.
13:30Think about it.
13:31Who else will keep you in expensive shoes and encourage you to cheat?
13:35Now you're talking.
13:37Friday night at the ballet with a man who shared my passion for hot men in tights.
13:42Saturday afternoon in bed with a man who shared my passion for passion.
13:46Maybe there was such a thing as having it all.
13:50What's that smile about?
13:54We got a marriage proposal last night.
13:58Really?
14:00From whom?
14:02A very handsome, witty young man about to come into his inheritance.
14:07Oh, I see.
14:09Anyone I know?
14:11Actually, his name is Stanford.
14:12Stanford Blatch.
14:15I thought he was gay.
14:17He is.
14:23Should make for an interesting column.
14:26What are you going to do about sex?
14:29I have you.
14:33Well.
14:36I guess you've got it all figured out.
14:41Mrs. Blatch.
14:42The more he mocked me, the more convinced I became that this idea was genius.
14:50That night, Miranda and I had plans to join Charlotte for a gallery opening in Chelsea when...
14:59Hello?
15:00Carrie, it's Charlotte.
15:02Oh, I'm really sorry, but I'm going to have to cancel.
15:05Yeah, I'm totally wiped out.
15:07Uh-huh.
15:08Wiped out.
15:09That was Charlotte speak for, I'm spending the night with my vibrator.
15:14But you guys have fun, though.
15:15There is only one thing to do.
15:17A rabbit intervention.
15:20Come on, let's go.
15:22Okay, where is it?
15:23What are you talking about?
15:24The rabbit, Charlotte.
15:26Hey, hey, hey, hey.
15:28It's a vibrator.
15:29It's not like it's crack.
15:32Uh-uh.
15:32Whoa.
15:33Oh, Charlotte.
15:34You hid the rabbit behind a stuffed rabbit?
15:37That is so you.
15:38You guys have a lot of nerve coming in here.
15:40You're the one who made me get it.
15:41I thought you could handle it.
15:43It's no big deal.
15:44I'd just rather stay home with the rabbit than go out and deal with men.
15:49All right.
15:51You're right.
15:53I'll go get dressed.
15:54With a little help from her friends, Charlotte decided that she wasn't going to settle for
15:58herself.
15:59While Samantha was doing everything in her power to remake the turtle into a man she could
16:04fall in love with.
16:06How's your dinner?
16:07It's questionable.
16:08I can't figure out whether the mushrooms in this sauce are shiitake or chanterelle.
16:13They're definitely not porcini.
16:17Maybe they're woodier.
16:20Maybe it doesn't matter.
16:23My God.
16:24They're trumpets.
16:26It was then that Samantha realized that even with all her effort, he was still just the
16:31turtle in black.
16:33You know, I'm not feeling very well.
16:36I think I'm going to have to send myself home.
16:41I'll call you.
16:48Excuse me.
16:50Do you like this shirt?
16:52My ex-girlfriend picked it on.
16:56After 12 phone calls and three emails, Stanford badgered me into at least meeting his grandmother.
17:02I love that suit you're wearing.
17:04Designed by Coco Chanel herself.
17:06Seriously?
17:07I hope grandmother's been wearing that same suit for 40 years.
17:10And it still fits.
17:11It never goes out of style.
17:13Never.
17:14I have it in blue, black, pink.
17:17And eggshell.
17:19Exactly.
17:20Stanford tells me you're a writer.
17:23Yes, I have a column in the Star.
17:25I was a career woman many, many years ago, but I gave it up to her children.
17:32Oh, wow.
17:34Is this you?
17:35Not a bad looking girl, don't you think?
17:38No.
17:39Doesn't she look exactly like Debra Carr in An Affair to Remember?
17:43She does.
17:45Oh, my God.
17:46This has to be Stanford.
17:48You're the same person.
17:50Okay, that's enough.
17:51Oh, come on.
17:51This is fun.
17:52I had no idea you had such a big family.
17:54And how about you, honey?
17:55Do you want a family?
17:57As I looked around at all the memorabilia and family photographs, the faces of brides and
18:03grooms, children and grandchildren, I realized.
18:07Yes, I do.
18:09Stanley, be a dear.
18:11Go in the kitchen and get me some matches.
18:13Of course.
18:19I love my Stanford.
18:21He's a very sweet boy.
18:22But you know, he is a fruit.
18:25I realized then that the only inheritance Stanford was going to get from his grandmother was her
18:30collection of Chanel suits.
18:35Salt.
18:36Yeah.
18:37That night at dinner, I knew I would have to break the news to Mr. Big.
18:48What do you think?
18:50Look, I do want to get married someday.
18:52I mean, maybe not today, but I just, I don't want to, I can't date somebody that won't.
18:56You know, what's the point?
19:00Definitely too much salt.
19:04I mean, it's all in the timing.
19:06You got to brown the garlic before you put in the onions.
19:11You know what I mean?
19:13I thought we were having fun.
19:27It's bitter.
19:28It definitely has possibilities.
19:31A little bit of sauce on the lip, right?
19:36My Zen teacher also said, the only way to true happiness is to live in the moment and not worry
19:43about the future.
19:45Of course, he died penniless and single.
19:47Well, I'm
19:48But.
19:49Well, we all do not want to.