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00:01My friend Miranda was dating Thomas John Anderson, an up-and-coming New York playwright.
00:06Oh, God! Oh, God! Oh, God! Oh, God!
00:13That was wonderful.
00:15Things were going great except for one thing.
00:18I'll be right back.
00:21Immediately after sex, he'd hop out of bed and shower.
00:27Oh, God! Oh, God! Oh, God! Oh, God!
00:35Wow.
00:37I'll be right back.
00:38Night after night, it was the same thing.
00:40Oh, God! Oh, God! Oh, God!
00:47I'll be right.
00:48Yeah.
00:49She decided to confront Thomas John Anderson as soon as he dried off.
00:57So, what's with the showers?
01:00What do you mean?
01:01You always get up and shower right after we're done. I'm starting to feel like it's me.
01:05Oh, no, no, no, no. It's not you.
01:09It's just...
01:10What?
01:11Just a habit I have.
01:12Growing up, the nuns told us that sex was a sin, so I just, you know, got into the habit
01:17of taking a shower after I, you know, came.
01:20Oh, the nuns.
01:22Miranda suddenly realized she was dating Catholic Guy.
01:26So, you think the water serves as a retro-baptism kind of thing?
01:30Beats me. If I'd known he was Catholic, I never would have gone out with him in the first place.
01:33They should make them wear a sign.
01:35Single people in New York rarely ask about their date's religious backgrounds, for the same reason they don't ask the
01:40number of former sex partners. Too scary.
01:42I mean, he's a rational, logical guy in every respect, but this.
01:47Clean. He forgot clean. He's a clean guy.
01:49Leave it to me to find the only religious guy still left in Manhattan.
01:53New York is a city filled with places to worship, but it recently dawned on me the only time I
01:58ever heard anyone mention going into one was for a singles mixer.
02:02Are relationships the religion of the 90s?
02:06Having been raised in the church of be nice to people and don't talk with your mouth full, I decided
02:11to check out some more traditional religious types in their natural habitat.
02:14As I watched people leaving church, I was amazed at how they looked.
02:18Valentino, Escada, Oscar de la Renta.
02:21What is it about God and fashion that goes so well together?
02:24And suddenly, there he was wearing Armani on Sunday.
02:29Mr. Big.
02:31I admit it was kind of a shock. Up until that moment, I thought he only believed in the Yankees.
02:42Well, hello there, churchgoer.
02:44Hey.
02:46What are you doing here?
02:48Research. I'm doing a column on closet Presbyterians. You know any?
02:52Actually, I'm an atheist, but don't tell that to the minister.
02:56Who's the mystery woman?
02:58My mother.
03:01I take her to church every Sunday.
03:03Really?
03:05I'm so loving that. How come you never told me?
03:08Well, you ride every Sunday, so...
03:11So, every Sunday, church?
03:14Right.
03:19You know, I've got 20 minutes before my rag ball game. Why don't we have a cup of coffee?
03:22Oh, I can't. I'm on deadline and this cappuccino just kicked in.
03:27So...
03:28So...
03:29Bye.
03:33God bless.
03:34It was one of those awkward relationship moments where you feel like you know nothing about the person you thought
03:39you knew everything about.
03:41He goes to church with his mother? That can't be good.
03:44Oh, don't listen to her. A man who cares about his mother makes a wonderful husband.
03:48I think it's sweet.
03:49Sure, all religions are sweet until you get to that shower after sex phase.
03:52Oh, my God. Is he still doing that?
03:53Oh, please. It's amazing he has any skin left.
03:55Well, have you tried taking a shower with him?
03:57No. I'm afraid he'll pull out garlic and a cross.
04:00So, which church does his mother go to?
04:02Park Avenue, Presbyterian.
04:04Good church. It's one of the best on the east side.
04:06What are you, rating churches? Is there a Zagat guide for that?
04:09Four stars, great bread, disappointing wine selection.
04:12The thing is, I'm dying to meet his mother.
04:15Can you imagine?
04:16Getting on the good side of his mother is like closing the deal.
04:19Hey, I'm sorry I'm late.
04:20Well, it's about time.
04:21I just had a five-hour lunch with James.
04:24Five-hour lunches, I remember those.
04:26Ladies, I have an announcement. Please don't laugh.
04:30What?
04:31I'm in love.
04:32What?
04:33Samantha uttering those words to us was an event as unfathomable as Moses parting the Red Sea.
04:41It all started a couple of weeks ago on a particularly blah Wednesday night.
04:45Samantha decided to treat herself to a night of great music.
04:52I couldn't help but notice how you moved to the music. It's beautiful.
04:57Well, I love jazz.
04:59That's pretty clear.
05:01Are you a musician?
05:05Yeah. Trapped in the body of a lawyer.
05:07Well, we won't tell anyone.
05:11May I join you?
05:14Sure.
05:20After they closed the jazz joint, they walked and talked for blocks.
05:23You have to at least try one of the glazed.
05:25It's a little bit of heaven.
05:28Mmm.
05:29Heavenly.
05:30And I never thought I'd get there.
05:32Why not?
05:34An angel like you?
05:37And then Samantha did something rather shocking for a first date.
05:40She didn't ask him home.
05:43Thanks, James.
05:45I had a wonderful time.
05:48Can I see you again?
05:51I'd love that.
05:55And with that one touch, Samantha, who was never a believer in relationships, suddenly became a convert.
06:01I mean, I totally give it up on the idea that you could actually talk to men.
06:05Hey, don't spread that around.
06:06Before James, all my conversations consisted of two sentences.
06:10Give it to me and go home.
06:12And I owe it all to Charlotte.
06:15Me?
06:16What did I do?
06:17All that bullshit you spout about not sleeping with men right away actually paid off.
06:22I mean, if I'd fucked James already, who knows where we'd be.
06:25Wait.
06:26You haven't had sex yet?
06:27So, you know, I think he's someone I could actually marry.
06:35Samantha, that's great.
06:36The idea that Samantha could possibly get married before she did shook Charlotte's beliefs to the core.
06:42She took some drastic action.
06:44She made an appointment to see Noni Stein, psychic to the stars and a cosmic connection,
06:49who lived in a brownstone between Central Park West and Columbus.
06:52Is this you and Madonna?
06:54Yeah.
06:54We go to the same Kabbalah class.
06:58No.
07:00Pick three cards, face down, with your left hand.
07:04Charlotte had heard about Noni through a sorority sister,
07:07whose marriage she had very accurately predicted.
07:10Okay.
07:11Now, is there one question in particular?
07:15Well, no.
07:17Just...
07:19There is.
07:20When will I get married?
07:25Ace of Wands, Prosperity.
07:29Nine of Cups, Strength and Independence.
07:34The Hanged Man, A New Awakening.
07:37You're a strong, independent woman with great success in your future, but I do not see marriage.
07:45Excuse me?
07:46I don't see it.
07:48What?
07:49I don't see marriage.
07:51Well, how can you just say that like that?
07:55I mean, what about my feelings?
07:59Honey, I'm a psychic.
08:01I'm not a shrink.
08:02So, who is this fabulous mother in a hat, and when do I get to go to church with you
08:06two?
08:08You want to go to church?
08:10Well, you said that like I'm the Antichrist or something.
08:13No.
08:14It's just I never thought of you as the church type.
08:17Oh, really?
08:18What type am I?
08:20The incredibly beautiful and intelligent type.
08:25What religion are you?
08:27I have no one religion in particular. I'm open to all.
08:29Oh.
08:30Kind of like a 7-Eleven?
08:31Come on.
08:32I want to go to church with you and your mommy.
08:35How about this Sunday?
08:37Well, it's just a private little thing my mother and I do.
08:41Just the two of us.
08:43Oh.
08:50Want to go to the Caribbean next week?
08:52Sure, I'll go pack my jet ski.
08:54No, I'm serious.
08:55We could both use a vacation.
08:56Come on.
08:57The sun, the sand, you and me.
08:59You waiting on me.
09:00Can you get away?
09:02Yeah, but I can't afford it.
09:03Well, I'll tell you what.
09:04I'll buy the tickets.
09:05When we get to St. Bart's, you can buy me one big margarita.
09:11Oh, God.
09:13Oh, God.
09:14Oh, God.
09:19Oh, God.
09:22Wait.
09:23I want to hold you.
09:25I'll be right back.
09:27Sit here a second.
09:30Isn't this nice?
09:32Us together?
09:33Yeah.
09:35Like I'm just going to go jump in the shower and then boom, I'm all yours.
09:40There's nothing sinful about sex.
09:43Oh.
09:45Oh, really?
09:46Well, thanks for clearing that up.
09:49And what is that?
09:50The gospel according to Miranda?
09:52What are you going to tell me next?
09:53That God made the body?
09:54And if God made the body and sex is an expression of that body,
09:57how can anything made by that God made body be considered sin?
10:00Well, yeah.
10:02Oh, it's a miracle.
10:04I'm healed.
10:05Oh, you're free to go work with the lepers now.
10:08I guess this means I'm not going to hell.
10:09Great news.
10:11Thank you, Miranda.
10:12Thank you for saving my immortal soul.
10:15In her effort to help, Miranda had accidentally detonated some kind of Catholic guilt bomb.
10:21I'm going to go take a shower.
10:23When I come out, I'd kind of like it if you weren't here.
10:27You got it.
10:28Six months later, that exact same speech would find its way into Thomas John Anderson's hit off-Broadway play, Shower
10:35of Shame.
10:38Meanwhile, downtown, Samantha was preparing to see God.
10:45I know it's only been a couple of weeks, but I love you, Samantha.
10:49I love you, too.
10:58Oh, honey.
10:59I can't wait any longer.
11:01Just unzip and get over here.
11:15Okay.
11:16I'm ready.
11:17Put it in.
11:19It is in it.
11:21Samantha said a little prayer that he was kidding.
11:24He wasn't.
11:28Sunday morning.
11:29A time for rest.
11:30A time for relaxation.
11:32A time for spine.
11:35The plan was simple.
11:36Just get a look at the mother, then Miranda and I would go for eggs.
11:39Look at how crowded it is.
11:41What a sham.
11:42Oh, you lighten up.
11:43It's a Presbyterian church, not a Catholic one.
11:45Whatever.
11:45Catholics, Episcopalians, Buddhists, Shakers, Quakers.
11:49All the same.
11:49All designed to fuck up our sex lives.
11:51Here, pray.
11:53Oh, there they are.
11:55Where?
11:56There.
11:57As I watched Mr. Big standing quietly next to his mother, tall, proud, respectful,
12:03I think I fell a little bit more in love with him.
12:06Let us pray.
12:08We come together...
12:09We're out of here.
12:10We will receive your blessings.
12:12And that of our Lord and Savior.
12:15Oh!
12:17Here they come.
12:24Can we make a break for us?
12:25No, no, no.
12:26They saw me.
12:26I have to say hello.
12:27I can't just pray and run.
12:29Oh, there they are.
12:31Okay, go.
12:31I'm fine.
12:32Go.
12:36Aren't you the young lady who made all that noise?
12:39Slippery gloves.
12:41Morning.
12:42Good morning.
12:43It's a lovely church.
12:44Yes, isn't it?
12:45Don't you think it's lovely?
12:47Mother, this is my friend Carrie.
12:49I searched her face, looking for the light of recognition.
12:54There was nothing.
12:56Carrie, Carrie.
12:57I'm just going to go and say goodbye to the pastor.
12:59It was lovely meeting you.
13:03My friend Carrie.
13:04Oh, you show up at church after I asked you not to.
13:07What are you trying to do?
13:07Test me?
13:08I mean, why all of a sudden interest in meeting my mother?
13:10Well, has the woman ever even heard of me?
13:12My mother doesn't need to meet another girlfriend.
13:15Oh.
13:17I didn't mean that...
13:20I mean, I'll introduce you as my girlfriend when I'm sure.
13:24Oh.
13:26Look, I have to do things on my time frame.
13:30Time frame?
13:32We've been going out for months.
13:36I really don't know what else to say to you.
13:40We'll get there.
13:40You just have to have a little faith.
13:43Faith?
13:44Yeah.
13:45Look, in a couple of days we're going on vacation.
13:47We'll have plenty of time to talk this out.
13:48Right now I've got to get my mother home, okay?
13:50Well, go.
13:53Just go.
14:09Move over.
14:16I didn't leave.
14:18You didn't seem fine.
14:20He introduced me to his mother as a friend.
14:24She never heard of me.
14:28That isn't a good sign.
14:31Maybe they're not that close.
14:32Come on, don't lie. You're in a church.
14:39I can't get inside.
14:43I don't know what else I can do.
14:47Later that night in the church of Disco, Stanford invited everyone he knew to a party to introduce a new
14:53fragrance.
14:54Fallen Angel.
14:57Hi, Carrie!
14:59Carrie!
15:00Also, he wanted to show off his new boyfriend, Alain.
15:05Hi!
15:06Isn't this fun?
15:07It's like hell with cover charge.
15:09Carrie, this is Alain.
15:11Alain, Carrie.
15:12Hi, nice to meet you finally.
15:14You too?
15:14Did I tell you that Alain designed the Fallen Angel bottle?
15:19Yes, congratulations!
15:22Excuse me for a second.
15:23I just saw someone I want to say hello to.
15:30So, you know what we did today?
15:32We shot free.
15:33Deco cabinet handles for his armoire.
15:36I turned into one of those couples we hate and I'm loving it!
15:40Stanford and Alain worshipped the same god.
15:43Style.
15:44So, you all excited for the big vacatione?
15:47Oh, I don't know.
15:48I can't help feeling like it's some sort of consolation prize for not letting me in his life.
15:53Well, what is going on with you two?
15:55We're not in the greatest place.
15:57What happened?
15:58He wouldn't introduce me to his mother.
16:01No.
16:05Thanks.
16:07Skipper, hi.
16:09It seems Stanford had invited everyone in his Rolodex.
16:12I was hoping I'd see you here.
16:14I've been totally thinking about you since we broke up.
16:17You have?
16:18Totally.
16:20You look great.
16:22Thanks.
16:24So do you.
16:26Miranda looked at Skipper.
16:27The months apart had shed a new light on him.
16:30Actually, they'd shed a new light on his shower-free feelings about sex.
16:34Later that night, the three of us tracked Samantha to the ladies room to get the lowdown on her love
16:39life with James.
16:39Here you are. We've been looking for you everywhere.
16:41So, how is everything?
16:44She means, have you and James done it yet?
16:47Mm-hmm.
16:48And?
16:51It's nice.
16:52I'm so happy for you.
16:57Sweetie, what, what? What is it?
17:00Nothing.
17:05Hey, what's going on? Why are you crying?
17:08James?
17:09James has a small dick.
17:11Oh, well, it's not the end of the world.
17:14It's really small.
17:15How small?
17:16Too small.
17:16Well, size isn't everything.
17:18Three inches.
17:19Well?
17:20Hard.
17:22Is he a good kisser?
17:23Oh, who the fuck cares? His dick is like a gherkin.
17:27I feel so terrible. Listen to me. I'm a bad person.
17:30Don't beat yourself up. You had certain expectations and you're disappointed.
17:34Why? Why? Why does he have to have a small dick? I really like him.
17:40I thought you loved him.
17:42Well...
17:42Oh, look, we've all been there.
17:44That's for sure. I was once with a guy the size of one of those little miniature golf pencils.
17:49Couldn't tell if he was trying to fuck me or erase me.
17:54I'm sorry. It's funny. Let's not lose perspective. There are ways to work around this.
18:00I don't want to work around it. I love a big dick.
18:03I love it inside of me. I love looking at it. I love everything about it.
18:08When I blow him, it's like... nothing. Nothing.
18:14Can you talk to him about it?
18:17No. It's the only thing we can't talk about.
18:22What am I gonna do?
18:24How is he with his tongue?
18:30Charlotte left us all behind telling us she had another party to go to.
18:34She took a cab to a part of town never mentioned in The New Yorker.
18:39Will I ever get married?
18:43I call the power of all the saints.
18:46Saint Lazarus.
18:48Saint Rosa.
18:50Send me your guidance.
18:51Send me the truth.
18:56Send me an answer.
19:08No yoke.
19:10What does that mean?
19:12You'll never be married.
19:16You are cursed.
19:18But do not worry.
19:20For the hundred dollars, we can remove it.
19:28The entire way home, Charlotte berated herself for being so foolish.
19:32She simply refused to give in to the idea that she would never get married.
19:36Sorry.
19:37All she had to do was keep believing and it would happen.
19:51The whole night?
19:53Yeah.
19:54The whole night.
19:58I knew we'd get back together.
20:00You did, Bob.
20:02Yep.
20:03Every night I'd light a candle and say a little prayer.
20:07You're a freak.
20:10Samantha tried desperately to believe that love was stronger than sex.
20:15Why are you crying?
20:18I'm just so happy.
20:25I stayed up all night questioning my faith and faith.
20:29I mean, hadn't I had faith in us all along?
20:36Faith that all the withholding would stop.
20:41Faith that he'd say, I love you.
20:42Let's go.
20:44Hey, hurry.
20:45We're going to miss the plane.
20:48Wait, wait, wait.
20:48Put them down a second.
20:50Just put them down.
20:54Okay.
20:56What?
20:59I need a sign.
21:01I mean, you told me to have faith, but see, um...
21:05I'm kind of losing mine, so...
21:08So...
21:09I need a sign.
21:11What, like in those old religious movies, you want a voice from above?
21:15Just tell me I'm the one.
21:18Come on, you don't...
21:19You don't have to tell your mother or the whole world.
21:22Just...
21:24Just tell me.
21:40I can't do this.
21:43Carrie.
21:44Carrie.
21:46Carrie.
21:47Carrie.
21:48Just...
21:48get in the car.
21:50Please.
21:51I can't.
21:54I love you, but I can't.
22:01So that's it?
22:15No regrets.
22:20Although our love affair has gone astray.
22:27No regrets.
22:31After he left, I cried for a week.
22:35And then I realized I do have faith.
22:38Faith in myself.
22:40Faith that I would one day meet someone who would be sure that I was the one.
22:46Still in my heart you'll be...
22:52Forever...