- 2 days ago
First broadcast 2nd November 2012.
Stephen Fry
Alan Davies
John Sessions
Jo Brand
Dara Ó Briain
Stephen Fry
Alan Davies
John Sessions
Jo Brand
Dara Ó Briain
Category
📺
TVTranscript
00:05And welcome to Q.I., which tonight is just a jumble of J-things.
00:11And joining me in the land where the jumblies live are an owl, Joe Brand.
00:20And we have to have a pussycat, John Sessions.
00:26And a beautiful pea-green, Dara O'Brien.
00:34And all at sea, with a mind like a sieve, Alan Davis.
00:43So, let's hear your J-buzzers, if we may.
00:48Joe goes...
00:52Yes, that was obviously some female artiste.
00:56J-Lo.
00:57J-Lo.
00:57John goes...
00:59I got 99 pounds, but a bitch ain't one.
01:01Hit me!
01:03I'd have ten points if you knew who that was.
01:06Uh, Usher.
01:09I think Jay would have helped you.
01:12Jay-Z?
01:12It's too late now.
01:14Yes, Jay-Z is the answer.
01:16Jay-Z.
01:17Well, Jay-Z, as we call him again.
01:21And Dara goes...
01:22It's not about the money, money, money.
01:25We don't need your money, money, money.
01:27And that was...
01:28The lovely Jessie J.
01:29Jessie J, absolutely.
01:31And Alan.
01:33Jay, we're like Jack and Jill.
01:35Jay, we're like Jack and Jill.
01:36Jay, we're like Jack and Jill.
01:37Hell is the love light in your eyes.
01:41Aw, it's the alphabet song.
01:42I think that was Perry Como.
01:44I may have been imagining it.
01:44It wasn't a Jay person, was it?
01:46No.
01:46Hello.
01:46I think it might have been his brother, Jerry Como.
01:50Never mind.
01:51Those are the old Jay buzzers, and Jay is our jamboree today.
01:56So, what do jockeys use their whips for?
01:58Hit me!
01:59Ooh.
01:59Ooh.
02:00Ooh.
02:02Um, do they have whips, or are they not called, um, crops?
02:07Writing crop is a whip, so that's not a problem.
02:11Well, recently, they have decided that they can only use the whip,
02:16I believe, on the flat eight times, and in the final furlong,
02:22they, if they use it more than five times,
02:25they forfeit their portion of the wing, if they do, in fact, win.
02:29Wow.
02:30This is very impressive.
02:31For all I know, you're right.
02:34Yeah, it is.
02:36I know that in Britain, if you use your whip more than eight times,
02:41there is almost always going to be a steward's inquiry.
02:44It's only if you use it on the horse.
02:46I mean, if you're hitting yourself.
02:47Yeah, obviously.
02:49I was taking that as red.
02:50Yeah.
02:53Is he being lowered on like the old kings used to be?
02:57That is Frankie de Tori's signature leap from the saddle.
03:00You know he's wearing Arsenal colours there, because he's an Arsenal fan.
03:03Oh, is that the reason?
03:04I made that up.
03:04No, of course he is not.
03:06He wears the colours of his owner.
03:08There is, of course, the very famous American jockey, Robert Mapplethorpe,
03:11who decided...
03:12He's an arse jockey.
03:13He's an arse jockey because he decided to put his whip up his arse.
03:17He did.
03:18And photograph it, the way we all do, I think.
03:20And it caused rather a stir in American circles, to say the least.
03:25It's a variation on the photocopier thing, isn't it?
03:27Yeah, absolutely.
03:29Wherein you put a photocopier up your arse.
03:33Oh, surely we've all been there.
03:35We have.
03:36We have a Christmas party.
03:37No, I'm presuming it's some sort of encouragement to the horse to run, you know?
03:43You used a very important word, encouragement, because, of course, naturally the RSPCA and those who care for animals are
03:50not particularly, frankly, pleased by the sight of animals being hit for sport.
03:55They don't find it acceptable.
03:57Quite a weapon when you see it close up.
03:59It is, it's a heck of a thing, but there's been a study by the RSPCA at Sydney University.
04:04They found that whipping does not have the effect of horsing a speed up.
04:07Uh, speeding a horse up.
04:12These glasses.
04:17I don't know if I'll speed on you there, but when you horse your speed up, it does take, uh,
04:22it's when you get your methamphetamine to mix heroin in with it.
04:26That will make you run.
04:27Yeah, right.
04:28What have you done with Stephen Pratt?
04:32All right, OK, let me start that again.
04:34They found that whipping does not, in fact, have the effect of speeding a horse up.
04:36The RSPCA claims this settles the case against whipping.
04:42The study has been criticized by racing authorities.
04:44They say it's too small a cohort of testings, only 48 horses in five races, etc.
04:49According to jockeys, speed is not the main purpose of the whip.
04:52The main uses are safety of both horse and jockey, stopping the horse from veering, losing balance, backing off from
04:59a jump, or prompting it to change the length of its stride.
05:02They're never allowed to use it to coerce the horse.
05:04The other is, precisely the words you used, encouragement.
05:08Encouragement.
05:09Which, obviously, the animal lobby says, come on, that's just a euphemism for coercion.
05:13Yes, it would be delightful if you could run just a tiny bit faster now.
05:16This race is almost at an end.
05:18I think we've all seen horses being enthusiastically encouraged in the long run of a race.
05:23Yes.
05:24If you were in a race in which there was somebody alongside you, like at a parent's day for school,
05:28right?
05:28Yeah, egg and spoon.
05:28Egg and spoon.
05:29Oh, no, more the three-legged one, where you've got somebody with you.
05:31Oh, right.
05:32Oh, yeah.
05:32If one of the people had a whip, and felt that you were lagging, and other parents were beating you,
05:37and then whipped you, your motivation wouldn't be to run.
05:39It would be like, stop whipping me, you prick.
05:41You'd be like, oh, you whipped me in the bum, therefore I would be propelled forward, as opposed to reacting,
05:50veering off, randomly finding a watch.
05:52I was caned in prep school, and I'd never won a single race.
05:55It was terrible.
05:56Did you see that?
05:57They whipped you every day.
05:58They whipped me every day.
05:59They whipped you during the races, because that would have been an impressive prep school thing, if they let you
06:02start there.
06:03If they gave you a head start, and then ran after you with the cane.
06:07It would be a five-legged race.
06:10I'm not saying that on a fair...
06:11When you say a three-legged race, you're thinking of two people, but what we're talking about here, Dar, is
06:15horses.
06:16Yeah, but I wasn't saying that the last time I went to a school sports day, I brought a horse,
06:20in an effort to win the three-legged race.
06:23And nobody sussed it.
06:25I would love to see that.
06:26Have you left my delightful wife, Juniper?
06:32What happened to the old carrot dangle in front of them?
06:36Ah, the carrot or the stick, you're absolutely right.
06:38Well, inflicting pain is not part of the intended method.
06:42The whip, currently used in British horse racing, has an energy-absorbing design, which means it does not cause pain
06:48if used correctly, supposedly.
06:50The fact is, some people, and I am so, I probably count myself amongst them, think it would be a
06:55nice idea to have a sport in which you didn't have to hit animals at all.
06:58Maybe I'm wrong.
07:00However, what does a robot jockey do?
07:03Ah, yeah, these robot jockeys ride camels, don't they?
07:06You are good, and you've already got the points.
07:09Yeah, yeah, the robot jockeys, they're a form of racing in Dubai, in particular, perhaps across the...
07:14In the UAE, generally.
07:15They have camel racing, and camels, camels, I think at that speed, probably couldn't take human weight on them, they
07:20had to be quite small.
07:21So, I am presuming at some stage, they experimented with either little people, or with children.
07:28Children.
07:29Yeah.
07:29It was reintroduced by King Fahd of Saudi Arabia in the 1970s, and children were indeed taken from the parents,
07:36and were forced to be the jockeys on these camels.
07:38What do you mean, taken from their parents, or people would just turn up at a random house?
07:42I'm afraid, as you probably know, much of the service industries are performed by Sri Lankans and Indians.
07:48The Gulf Arab people themselves don't do much of the basic work, and it was Indian children who were taken
07:54to be jockeys.
07:55It was not a pleasant story, and there's no way of dressing it up nicely.
07:58And, I mean, how much control do they have over the camels exactly?
08:01Well, they've got brains, and they also have GPS, so they know where they are.
08:05Now, you may say why they put a face and a hat and costume on it.
08:08The fact is, the camels were spooked out when the robots just looked like machines.
08:13The camels were much more relaxed at the idea that it was a human on them, because they've sort of
08:17grown used to the idea.
08:19Right.
08:19So, these only wear a few kilos.
08:21They're not that expensive, about $500 each.
08:24They whip the camels by remote control, because the managers are following in a truck.
08:29So, they do whip, I'm afraid.
08:31They're far lighter than the child jockeys, and I suppose it's less inhumane.
08:35They were designed in Switzerland.
08:38LAUGHTER
08:39Please, may I tell you the only camel joke that I know?
08:43Please, please.
08:43OK.
08:44There's two guys in the army out in the desert, and there's a new recruit, and there are no women
08:50around at all.
08:51And the new recruit says, what do we do for sex?
08:53And the old guy says, I'm afraid it's the camels.
08:57And so, that evening, they're all let out towards the camels, and the old bloke's running really fast.
09:04And the young guy says, what are you doing? It's only a camel.
09:06And he goes, yeah, but you don't want to get an ugly one, do you?
09:09LAUGHTER
09:11So, what are those camels we're looking at? What sort of camels are they?
09:16Hang on, hang on, hang on, hang on, hang on, hang on, hang on.
09:16I'm sorry, there is another camel joke.
09:18LAUGHTER
09:20Which is, same starting point, initially taken from the first couple of business,
09:25and said, oh, I'm afraid there are no women here, I'm afraid it's the camels.
09:28So, late at night, the guy declares, I am just, I can't take it anymore, I'm as horny as hell,
09:33and he goes out, and he rides the camel, and he comes back in and goes, well, that's the best
09:38we can do.
09:38And the man says, well, actually, when I say we've got the camels,
09:40we normally ride them into town.
09:43LAUGHTER
09:49Anybody else come to the camel joke? No.
09:52Excellent, excellent.
09:53They have dromedaries, aren't they?
09:54Those are dromedaries, and how can you tell?
09:57Yes. Because they have two humps?
09:59No, because they have one hump.
10:01Oh. Oh, I thought they were sitting, the robots were sitting in the humps.
10:04It does look a bit like that, no.
10:05Right.
10:06Bactrian camels with two humps are incredibly rare.
10:08Right.
10:09Especially in the wild.
10:10That's a Bactrian on the left.
10:11Oh, yes, yes.
10:12You find them in Mongolia and in China.
10:14Right.
10:15And they're probably not much more than a thousand left in the wild.
10:17And they used to have them at the zoo when I was a kid,
10:19because that's the sort I've been on.
10:20That's what we think of as a proper camel, a two-humped camel.
10:23In fact, it only had one hump, and then I sat on it, and it looked like...
10:29So, there's another sport that's associated with camels in another country.
10:33Are you familiar with it?
10:35Smoking.
10:37There is camel smoking.
10:38That is unquestionably, I wouldn't say a sport, but it's an occupation.
10:42Sport to me.
10:43Yeah.
10:44No, this is a physical sport involving the camels.
10:48A bit of water polo.
10:49No, no.
10:50It doesn't involve humans.
10:51It only involves the camels.
10:53Chess.
10:57I sometimes...
10:57I look at you and I wonder where these things grow, where they come from.
11:02What's going on?
11:03It would just be nice to see, wouldn't it?
11:04It would be fantastic to see camels playing chess.
11:07Checkmate.
11:08Yeah.
11:09Thirsty?
11:10Me neither.
11:12Go again.
11:14We have to go to Turkey.
11:16In Turkey, they have two males and a female.
11:18And as often happens with mammals...
11:21Three-legged races.
11:23No.
11:25You've got two males and a female, and what that tends to make happen is the two males fight.
11:29So you then take the female away, and you have camel wrestling.
11:33It's a Turkish sport.
11:34It's just a kind of wrestling.
11:36They do...
11:36They kind of push each other over.
11:38This is enormously popular.
11:39Look at the crowds.
11:40Yes.
11:40It's a good number.
11:41It's coming on for the camel.
11:42Oh, it's incredibly popular.
11:44This is given to me as if it's unusual, but I suppose maybe it is.
11:47Maybe it's just me.
11:48When they're in the mood for sex, they urinate, use their tails to swish urine onto their own
11:52back, froth at the mouth, spit and dribble.
11:55Isn't that...isn't that usual?
11:58Also, our hind feathers flare, and we stamp.
12:05That's right.
12:06Apparently, it seems they deliberately waste water by this urinating and frothing and dribbling
12:11as a way of showing their superiority, because obviously water conservation is what they're
12:16all about as desert animals.
12:19Anyway, why does Joe Camel like Nosmo King?
12:24Hit me!
12:25Whoa!
12:25Joe Camel was the mascot for Camel cigarettes.
12:30Yes.
12:31There he is.
12:31Old Joe.
12:32There's old Joe up there.
12:33And Nosmo King...
12:35Yes.
12:36...was a British vaudeville act of the 1930s.
12:41And I think, obviously Nosmo King is no smoking, but that's not...
12:45He saw two doors.
12:47One said Nosmo, one said King.
12:48And when they closed in the theatre, it said Nosmo King.
12:51But he wasn't tempted to come to Fie Riggsish, or something else.
12:56Or Emerge NCXish.
12:59Yes.
12:59Yeah.
13:00No, he wasn't any of those.
13:02It was in the 1920s that he...
13:04Toilet.
13:05He was...
13:07Roy Al Circle.
13:10But you haven't actually answered my question.
13:12Yeah.
13:12Which is why would Joe Camel like Nosmo King?
13:17You'd think he'd dislike him.
13:19Because Nosmo King used to be sponsored by Camel tobacco.
13:24No.
13:24Joe Camel and cigarette manufacturers would like something that said Nosmo King.
13:30It makes you think of smoking.
13:32Yes.
13:32What psychiatrists have found is that Nosmo King signs make people want a cigarette.
13:37It makes you feel rebellious.
13:39It makes you feel...
13:39Well, it's not just rebellious, it puts it in your head.
13:42Putting big signs up saying Nosmo King is something that makes people want to smoke.
13:46Well, very well with that, Jake, isn't it?
13:48Yeah, it worked very well with that.
13:50The fact is, anyway, the sign Nosmo King makes people want to smoke.
13:54So that's why Joe Camel would like Nosmo King.
13:57Nosmo King.
13:57That's a rather sort of complex way of putting it.
13:59Now, which one of you can imitate an expectant jackrabbit?
14:02Hit me!
14:03Wow, that's great.
14:04It's a kind of hair, a jackrabbit.
14:06It is a hair.
14:07It's American for hair, basically.
14:08It's American hair, yeah.
14:09But the female jackrabbit, when she gives birth to her young, makes no attempt to suckle them,
14:16and they are just left to forage for their own.
14:19So she's a bad mother.
14:21Daily male.
14:22And I would imitate her like that, with a fag.
14:26I guess.
14:27Well, what you say may be true, but there's something more extraordinary true about the pregnancy of the female jackrabbit.
14:34And this was something that was suggested by Aristotle.
14:37I know how you love to have an ancient Greek.
14:40Decepted by the rabbit being fisted.
14:42Absolutely.
14:45I don't know who did our little silhouette.
14:47It's not entirely successful.
14:50It's a good effort, and we thank them for it.
14:52But Aristotle suggested that hares could get pregnant when they were already pregnant.
14:58Which, in most mammals, I think, isn't that rather sweet, I think you'll agree, is a bit peculiar.
15:04Aristotle thought it, and he was scoffed by scientists, until very, very recently it was discovered that he was absolutely
15:10right.
15:11It was discovered in Berlin.
15:13Cats do this.
15:13Male hair.
15:14Cats.
15:15Cats do do this.
15:15Yeah, cats.
15:16Because a cat can have, we have, we have.
15:19We have two cats in there.
15:20Yeah.
15:21Same mother, but different fathers.
15:22Exactly.
15:23And humans even can.
15:24There were twins born in 2010 in Arkansas, conceived two weeks apart.
15:29They were actually conceived at different times.
15:31So one egg was fertilized, and then another.
15:34So they could have had different fathers.
15:35Twins with different fathers.
15:37Weird idea.
15:37All this is written in new knowledge, but Aristotle was spot on.
15:41It's known as super fecundation, when two different over are fertilized in the same cycle.
15:46Or it's super conception.
15:47Oh, the little fluffy bunnies.
15:51So, complete the phrase, pregnant mothers should eat...
15:56Loads.
16:00Um, burgers.
16:02The equivalent of two slices of bread extra per day, no more is necessary.
16:07That's probably about right, and that's only in the third trimester, actually.
16:11The fact is, the idea that you should eat for two, which you manage to avoid, is nonsense.
16:16A pregnant woman should eat no more than she normally eats.
16:19She might have changes in appetite.
16:21Did you have any particular dietary desires when you were pregnant?
16:24I gnawed my husband's leg, occasionally.
16:27And that was unusual?
16:31Not as far as our marriage was concerned.
16:33No, that's what I mean.
16:34So did you have any peculiar appetites that were specifically related to pregnancy?
16:37No, I was very boring.
16:39I didn't, really.
16:40You didn't.
16:40No, so coal...
16:41Well, they say that you only want to eat coal if you're lacking vitamins, don't they?
16:46Exactly, yeah.
16:47So, you're obviously not lacking anything.
16:50My mother smoked my father's pipe.
16:52Could she not get her own pipe?
16:53Your poor father.
16:56It was her pregnancy that made her want to do it.
16:58Yeah.
16:58She just loved pipe tobacco.
17:00God, that's extraordinary.
17:01Yeah.
17:01There's no more beautiful image of motherhood than a pregnant woman smoking a pipe.
17:05I'm too sorry.
17:07It's the essentials of nature.
17:08Yes.
17:09It's quite...
17:11Tapping it out on the table, and then...
17:13What are you going to say tapping out on the belly, though?
17:15It's quite...
17:18In fact, when I got pregnant, my grandma said to me,
17:22Oh, we're eating for two, are we?
17:23And I went, Bog off, I'm not cutting down.
17:28Anyway, moving on.
17:32So, what have they done to the javelin to improve it?
17:35Hit me!
17:35Johnny, you've got to start answering every question.
17:36Oh, sorry.
17:40I'm sorry to be a bore.
17:42No, no, no, you're not being a bore.
17:43It's fine.
17:43I like enthusiasm.
17:44It's just like a little puppy shagging a sapling.
17:50Thank you. Alan, yes.
17:52Didn't they change the javelin because they were throwing it too far?
17:54Yes.
17:55That's the point.
17:56Were they in danger of hitting the long-distance runners on the other side of the stage?
17:58Well, basically, yes.
17:59Basically, you don't want them to be able to throw it further than 100 metres.
18:03And what kept happening was that they just got better and better.
18:06And there was a particular technique called the Spanish technique
18:08which involved spinning your body round like a discus thrower or a hammer thrower.
18:13And Miguel de la Cadro Salcedo threw a javelin 112 metres using this system.
18:20It was so it was outlawed by the IAAF.
18:23Because it's...
18:24If you see one of the judges and he staggers backwards...
18:27LAUGHTER
18:28...was taken into an ambulance and driven to hospital, the record's going to be about five minutes.
18:31Yeah, that was...
18:32LAUGHTER
18:34I think you're right.
18:35And that was their problem.
18:37Their problem was simply safety, especially with this Spanish style of spinning
18:40because if you went out of control, there was no net like with a hammer,
18:44you could spear anybody.
18:45So they banned the spinning business, the turning round.
18:49But then javelin makers used special paint and dimples to improve the aerodynamic nature.
18:54So again, they had to ban that.
18:56I was actually a javelin champion when I was at school.
19:00I was.
19:01But I slightly ruined my career because on the last sports day, I was in the toilets having a fag.
19:07And I was using swan vestes and I blew it out and put it back in the box while it
19:14was still alight.
19:15And it blew up in my hand.
19:17Ouch.
19:17And so I had to throw the javelin with my left hand and it went about three foot.
19:21LAUGHTER
19:22You should make them throw underarm, that would be good.
19:24That would certainly make a difference at the moment.
19:27LAUGHTER
19:28At the moment, sir, all these things have been banned.
19:31All these dimples, all these special paint.
19:33But they're going to have to make the javelin worse again soon
19:36because the world record now with the current javelin is 98.48 metres.
19:41It's really close to the maximum.
19:42Is there a standard javelin that they would all use?
19:45It's not like they arrive in the stadium.
19:46In fact, they ought presumably to allow people to...
19:49Yeah.
19:49Or force people to take one at random.
19:51Everyone puts a javelin in and everyone takes a javelin in.
19:52Yeah, like a bill of cures, I mean.
19:53But I will give you points, if you can tell me, as far as the javelin is concerned,
19:59almost exactly a third of all javelin medals awarded since 1908
20:05have gone to competitors from three countries.
20:08Finland.
20:10Finland.
20:11Keep going.
20:11Czechoslovakia.
20:12Poland.
20:13Bulgaria.
20:13England.
20:14No, it's really weird.
20:15You should have stayed where you were with Finland, because the others...
20:18Norway and Sweden.
20:19Norway and Sweden.
20:19Oh, really?
20:20Scandinavia is the answer.
20:21So it's just, for some reason, they seem to be very good at throwing sticks.
20:26There you are.
20:27Very good.
20:28So, now, which should you avoid going to bed with?
20:32A jack-t-a-tator or a jack-t-a-tator?
20:34The second one.
20:37Why?
20:39Erm, because it means, erm, someone that wiggles about a lot.
20:48Yes!
20:49What is it?
20:55Well, the official name of it is Willis-Eckbond disease,
20:59also known as Rrrrrrstlessness or, particularly, restless leg syndrome.
21:03That's one meaning of jack-t-a-tation.
21:05The other...
21:06Yes, the other is...
21:07speaking unpleasantly of somebody.
21:10No, nice...
21:11nice that you're trying and don't be put off.
21:15Don't be put off.
21:16I still want to see that puppy shagging that sapling, but...
21:18It's a very specific, I wouldn't say crime exactly, it's a malfeasance possibly, it's a wrongdoing that people do, and
21:27that is to maintain that you're married to someone when you aren't.
21:29That's right.
21:30You are so angry.
21:33Why are you angry?
21:35If a man says, oh yeah, she's my wife, we're married, she goes, no we're not.
21:38You can go to court and your remedy is a suit of jack-tetation of marriage in which you ask
21:45the court to declare that you are not married to the person who is claiming that you are.
21:49Is the jack-tetation, is it the denying of the marriage or is it the maintaining the marriage, you're still
21:54married when you're not?
21:55A jack-tetator is someone who claims to be married to you when they aren't.
21:58So ding-dong darling, I'm home, you're not married to me.
22:00That is, the bad guy is the ding-dong darling at home in this situation.
22:06Stop doing this.
22:08I feel like I can take you to court because you never stop saying that we are married.
22:12But we're married in comedy, Alan.
22:15We're married in comedy.
22:16There you go again.
22:17Comedy.
22:18Comedy and erotic love, those two surely.
22:21Do you have...
22:22Hello.
22:22Do you know what the opposite is?
22:24Because my husband often says he's not married.
22:29What's that called?
22:30Shame.
22:31Embarrassment.
22:32Embarrassment.
22:34On something to twitch your legs, why do we dance around when we need to pee?
22:39Why do we do that?
22:42Try and keep it moving so it doesn't come out of the pipe.
22:46Yeah.
22:47The only thing is, it is the worst thing to do.
22:49If you really want not to pee, keep as still as possible.
22:53But it's...
22:54It's the end of your cock incredibly hard.
22:59I've tried that, but it isn't worth it.
23:02I thought you'd be good to get someone else to do that.
23:06No, a full bad creates a...
23:07Oh, I'm not in it.
23:08Another one.
23:10A full bad creates a sense of urgency in the mind and the conflict between the desire
23:15to take action and relieve the stress and the fact that circumstances don't permit it
23:19as translated into various rhythmic displacement behaviours.
23:23Well, there was Enoch Powell who used to say, I always speak when I'm dying for a piss because
23:28I do much more.
23:29Urgency.
23:30Yes.
23:30And David Cameron thought he was going to have a crack at it, didn't he?
23:34Oh, did he?
23:36Well, no wonder...
23:36Wet himself.
23:40During Enoch Powell's famous rivers of blood speech...
23:43Rivers of piss speech?
23:44Every time he said rivers of, he would go, urgh...
23:49That poor photograph, I do think those urinals should be done on an obvious demand.
23:55Because the guy at the end seems very relaxed about him.
23:57But man, the guy number three, really used to go very soon.
24:02A perfectly good tree, just there!
24:05Of course, it's probably a pop festival, so half of them are actually wanting to go and ingest drugs rather
24:10than urinate.
24:12They're probably horsing the speed, Malad.
24:15They're smacking themselves with skank.
24:19I know all the words.
24:22Who gets most use from Jacobson's organ?
24:26Yes.
24:27Mrs. Jacobson gets most use.
24:34All right.
24:36It's your turn here, Dave.
24:38Jacob's organ enables particularly lions and deer to chemically detect the pheromones in creatures of the opposite sex, in lionesses
24:50or...
24:50Not just creatures of the opposite sex, but also prey and predators.
24:53Prey and predators, yes.
24:54Yes.
24:54It's an organ.
24:55It's an organ, as you said, in snakes.
24:58It's not just related to mammals, but it's a patch of specialised skin on the roof of the mouth.
25:03Many vertebrates have it, including humans.
25:05We have it.
25:07Oh, yes, we do.
25:09Unfortunately, we seem to have lost the use of it.
25:11But snakes and lizards can tell when an ant has been present a week earlier.
25:16Just by using that.
25:19How useful is that?
25:21Well, you can tell them when it comes back again.
25:23Oh, an ant was here a week again.
25:25It might be.
25:26It's really improved my life.
25:28I'd love an ant now.
25:31But in the case of horses, giraffes, camels, zebras, big animals.
25:39When they do it, there's an expression you've probably seen them pull where they almost turn their face inside out
25:43and stop breathing like that.
25:45Oh, my God.
25:45And that's in order to get the chemicals onto...
25:48Oh, an ant.
25:49It's been an ant.
25:51It's been an ant in a stable last Tuesday.
26:03In their case, it's less likely it would have been an ant that there was a female or a male
26:08or a predator or a prey.
26:09It makes them look gorgeous.
26:10It's a funny old look, isn't it?
26:12The one in the middle's had its hair styled by someone from Girls Aloud.
26:17That's a good one.
26:18It's had the two HDs on that.
26:20It's a rather fetching Emma Bunting look.
26:23I thought it was rather touching little bangs.
26:27So, what could be as good as spending eight hours sitting on the lavatory?
26:32Oh, very little.
26:33What could be as good as sitting eight hours on the lavatory?
26:37With the seat up or down?
26:38Sitting with the seat down, I think.
26:40Right.
26:41That's good.
26:42Do you mind evacuating yourself?
26:44No.
26:44You're not actually pooing for eight hours.
26:46You're sitting in the lavatory for eight hours.
26:47You're expending calories just by sitting on the...
26:51Oh, yeah.
26:51Well, any time right now, this is not recommended in any of the books.
26:54But this, we are all losing weight.
26:56We're burning calories.
26:56Right now.
26:57Plus, of course, we're using our brains.
26:58Well, some of us are using our brains.
27:02What did you mean by...
27:06The fact is, eight hours of sitting on the lavatory uses the same calories as one hour of jogging.
27:12Good God.
27:13No.
27:13Yes.
27:14Right.
27:15I'm off.
27:16Truth.
27:17You don't have to be a lavatory.
27:18Pretend you're on the lavatory.
27:20Unless you want to go for a jog.
27:21Unless you really are pushing.
27:23Unless you're really heaving.
27:24If you are, as they used to say, straining at stool.
27:27Yes.
27:28Then...
27:28That takes some clenching.
27:30Unclench, clench, unclench.
27:31Ow!
27:31Yes.
27:32Right.
27:33But for eight hours, that's too much.
27:34That's too much.
27:34You'd have a sphincter that could grab onto a pool cue.
27:38I don't know what you could do with a sphincter that could do that.
27:41Don't go any further.
27:42You've gone far enough and it's beautiful.
27:43Can I go further?
27:44Please do.
27:45Well, a friend of mine used to work as a nursing assistant in a home for elderly people.
27:50And there was one very old guy, I think he was about 95, and he was really constipated.
27:54So, they gave him a massive dose of laxatives, and he was kind of left on the loo to see
28:01what would happen.
28:03And this friend of mine swears this is true, and he said that when he came back, this bloke was
28:10lying on the floor.
28:12And the reason he'd fallen off the toilet was because he'd done such a big poo, it'd levered him off.
28:19Oh, my God!
28:22It's a charming story, and I love it, and...
28:26You're not getting any cardiovascular work, though, are you?
28:28You're not doing...
28:29It's not aerobically efficient.
28:31Plenty of all where that came from.
28:31No.
28:32There was a man who had a light bulb screwed up his arse, and this was mentioned to Alan Bennett.
28:36And Alan Bennett said, what wattage?
28:41Where did modern jogging as a mass movement begin?
28:44Jim Fix in the 1960s, was it?
28:47No, you're right.
28:47He was the first American to make him popular.
28:50But there was actually...
28:51Yes.
28:51Forrest Gump.
28:53No.
28:54No.
28:55And again, we want...
28:56That is Jim Fix.
28:56Run, Forrest!
28:57Run!
28:59That is Jim Fix, who was the man who popularised jogging in America, but who died of a heart attack
29:04while jogging.
29:06That fixed it for Jim.
29:07That fixed it for Jim.
29:08It fixed it.
29:10The man who actually gets the credit for starting is a man called Arthur Lyddiard, who was a New Zealander
29:14in the early 60s.
29:16The police would see people running in tracksuits and they would stop them.
29:19I mean, it was just such an odd sight.
29:22It had never been seen before.
29:23Now we take it for granted.
29:25The species activity.
29:25Especially in New Zealand, people jogging all over the place.
29:27It's a very outdoorsy place.
29:29But then, yes, they were constantly being arrested.
29:31Yeah.
29:31The father of utilitarianism, who would you describe as the father of utilitarianism?
29:37Jeremy Bentham.
29:38Jeremy Bentham.
29:39He's stuffed.
29:40He's stuffed.
29:40London University.
29:41They've taken him out of London University.
29:42They've taken him out of London University.
29:43They've removed him, haven't they?
29:44He's in a box.
29:45Nowadays you have to make a special appointment to go see him.
29:47Yeah, because people kept stealing him.
29:48Yeah.
29:50I didn't know.
29:50I did a debate as a student in London University.
29:52I was walking around the corridors trying to get the thing ready in my head.
29:56And I just walked in.
29:57I saw this box in the middle of a corridor.
29:59And it's not like there's a big sign going,
30:02Body in a box.
30:03Body in a box.
30:03Body in a box.
30:04Body in a box.
30:04You just see this little cupboard.
30:06And you look in and there's like...
30:10Jeremy Bentham.
30:11One of the most brilliant men of his age, of course.
30:13Jeremy Bentham and James Mill used their utilitarian hypotheses.
30:18John.
30:19On John Stuart.
30:20John Stuart Mill.
30:20James Mill was John Stuart Mill's father.
30:22I see right there.
30:22And he and Bentham sort of bombarded poor John Stuart Mill as a child with facts.
30:29So by the age of four, he could speak Greek and Latin.
30:32And in his teens he had an appalling breakdown as a result of this forced knowledge feeding.
30:41And the only thing that brought him back to sanity was reading the poetry of Wordsworth and Coleridge.
30:46It's so like my own life.
30:48Yes.
30:49It's so nice.
30:51I thought it was only me.
30:53I have to do a story that's worse than the poo story.
30:56Go on then.
30:57Well, it's to do with pranks at medical school.
31:00Oh, lovely.
31:01Because my flatmate, they had a girl in their group at medical school that was very annoying.
31:05So they decided to play a trick on her.
31:07So basically, they got a hand from the lab and put it on her pillow in the student digs.
31:15And then they all hid in the kitchen and she came in from a night out, went into her room.
31:20And they expected that she would just open the door and go,
31:22Whaaah, like that.
31:23And then they would all go in there and point and laugh.
31:26And she went in there and for ages there was just complete silence.
31:31And they thought, oh dear, God, what's going in?
31:33Please, God, no, not what I'm thinking.
31:35I hope you're not thinking what I'm thinking, Alan.
31:42Please, let's not.
31:44Did she fall into a fix?
31:45No, no.
31:48Don't.
31:48And then couldn't get it out.
31:49We're all thinking, we're all thinking that what must be the wrong thing.
31:54No, so they went into the room and she was sitting on the bed eating it.
31:57Eating it!
31:59Wow, that's even worse!
32:00No.
32:01I'm sorry to have to tell you, but that's absolutely true.
32:04Why was she eating it?
32:06She was hungry!
32:07Yeah.
32:08What was that?
32:09She was hungry!
32:10And it's like, I'm hungry right now!
32:12I'm not eating your hat!
32:14Oh, Lord.
32:16Well, yeah.
32:17Okay.
32:17How did we get that?
32:18Oh, yes.
32:19We were talking about jogging, weren't we?
32:20We were talking about the stuffing of Jeremy Bentham.
32:23Anyway, he invented a kind of trotting jog that he called antiprandial circumgyration.
32:29Oh, for fuck's sake.
32:29Which was his way...
32:31How annoying of him to be intelligent.
32:33Yeah.
32:34If only everybody were really stupid.
32:37Well, it's not annoying of him to be intelligent.
32:37It's quite annoying of us to be a bit thick.
32:40Oh, no, then.
32:41But don't be, don't be.
32:42Celebrate the glory of Jeremy Bentham.
32:44He was one of our greatest men.
32:45However, jogging is apparently very good for the memory.
32:47It does seem that if you...
32:49A few days of running can lead to the growth of hundreds of thousands of new brain cells
32:53in the memory-forming part of the brain.
32:56Oh, I'm getting off the toilet and going back to jogging now.
32:57Yes, so in that part, you can also reproduce that
33:01by lying on a mechanised table that shakes the body several times a second.
33:05And that will also increase your memory.
33:07What are those things?
33:08Those things you stand on that vibrate really quickly.
33:10Oh, those plates.
33:11Oh, yes, those are fun.
33:12Yeah, the plates.
33:13Yeah.
33:14Well, I dare say.
33:15I think it sounded like they'd been Bruce Forsyth.
33:17Yes, I do.
33:19It's the Forsythificator.
33:21Well, let's face it.
33:22Nice to see you.
33:23An evening here without Bruce Forsyth or Ken Dodd.
33:26Oh, you've got a good Ken Dodd story, haven't you?
33:28Oh, gosh.
33:29Tell me your Ken Dodd story.
33:30Um, a broadcaster of some description went to interview a politician,
33:36British politician, and he saw this wonderful picture as he perceived of Ken Dodd.
33:41Um, on the wall.
33:44And the politician came in and the guy said,
33:46Oh, that's wonderful, Ken Dodd.
33:47I mean, he's just one of the greatest, greatest comedians this country has ever produced.
33:52And the man said, Do you mind?
33:53That's my wife.
33:58I wanted to know who the politician is.
34:00No, I wanted to know who the politician is.
34:01I wanted to know who the politician is.
34:01His wife looks like a dog.
34:04It's true, my wife.
34:06Oh, Doddy as I call her.
34:08What a fine day.
34:09What a fine day.
34:10What a fine day.
34:10To marry a politician.
34:13In came the children.
34:14Me, ah, I'm the little Digi Man.
34:22Oh, my God.
34:23Anyway, eight hours on the loo burn as many calories as an hour's jogging.
34:28So, what does a cockroach find absolutely disgusting?
34:32Jeremy Kyle.
34:34Yes.
34:35Yes.
34:36Is the right answer.
34:37Because Jeremy Kyle, almost, but he does count, is a human being.
34:42Right?
34:43We don't like cockroaches and cockroaches don't like us.
34:45If they see us, they not only run away, as soon as possible,
34:48they wash themselves after they've been touched by us.
34:51They find us revolting.
34:53Can I...
34:53I used to live in a flat when I was a student nurse,
34:56and it was absolutely inundated with cockroaches.
35:00And one night, I came home from the pub,
35:04and I left the telly on,
35:06and there were two cockroaches sitting on the settee watching telly.
35:10No!
35:11That's not!
35:12Like, looking at the telly, kind of doing...
35:14Was it a documentary about insects?
35:16It was Jeremy Kyle.
35:17It was Jeremy Kyle.
35:18So they like Jeremy Kyle, you're telling me.
35:20No, but there were people, whatever they were watching.
35:22They don't like people.
35:23They really don't like people.
35:25But also, as well, I was once painting the ceiling in the flat as well,
35:29and a cockroach actually fell in my mouth.
35:33The thing is, cockroaches are everywhere, aren't they?
35:35I mean, in hospitals, particularly anywhere where there's sort of...
35:39I once went into a hospital kitchen at night and turned the light on,
35:43and for a split second, the entire floor was brown.
35:46Yeah, I know that.
35:47And then it was white.
35:47It's just astonishing.
35:48And then they disappear.
35:49And they sort of don't do that much, and yet they do repulse us.
35:52And the point is, we repulse them, hence they disappeared so quickly.
35:55But there is something that they must hate even more.
35:58And this is a real test for anybody who has sung all things bright and beautiful,
36:04but the good Lord made them all,
36:05because he also made some things that are not very bright and beautiful,
36:08and one of the least bright and beautiful things imaginable,
36:11which is parasitic wasp that has the most extraordinary life cycle.
36:16They're called jewel wasps because they're faintly kind of jewel-colored.
36:19They go up to the cockroach.
36:22They then impart a sting into its brain, which turns it into a sort of zombie.
36:27It doesn't kill it, but it kind of makes it just...
36:31And they then saw off one of its antennae and uses the other one as a lead, literally,
36:38and pulls it to its nest.
36:40It's leading it.
36:41It's now pulling it.
36:42As you see, it's much smaller than the cockroach.
36:44Good God.
36:45This poor cockroach, I'm afraid, is going to have a pretty miserable time.
36:49He then gets packed into the nest, and then he lays eggs inside,
36:56and the baby wasp is born in and eats the cockroach alive from the inside,
37:03in a very special order to keep the cockroach alive,
37:06because cockroach meat goes off very quickly, and it's very warm.
37:10And that is the life cycle of the jewel wasp.
37:13Now, you just ask me that there's a benign divine God who looks down on creation and loves it all,
37:21you just ask him how the hell he came up with something so cruel, so unpleasant, so vile.
37:28Only evolution could cause that kind of horrible, horrible life cycle for the cockroach.
37:35I mean, it's a pretty grim business.
37:37So there you go.
37:38I thought I'd leave you with that charming thought.
37:41I thought you could do that with Piers Morgan.
37:43Yes, oh.
37:53Very pleasing thought.
37:55Now, here's a simple question.
37:56Why are we all such arseholes?
38:00Well, I'm contractually obliged.
38:03Well, let me say that there are two types of living creature.
38:08There are protostomes and deuterostomes.
38:13Stome is the Greek for mouth.
38:16Now, if you're a protostome, when you're just developing as an egg and dividing
38:21and turning into what will become a lovely little person,
38:26protostomes start at the mouth and then grow outwards.
38:30But humans, we start as an arsehole.
38:34We are uterostomes, because we're second mouths.
38:37We start as a bottom and then work outwards.
38:40So we begin as arseholes.
38:42We all begin as little bodies.
38:45It's a rather nice thing to know.
38:47It puts us all on an equal footing.
38:48Next time, you look at George Osborne saying something grand about the economy,
38:52say, you started life and continued life as an arsehole.
39:01Now, this is very exciting, because we have a very special finale tonight.
39:06Tonight, entirely alone, without the aid of a safety net,
39:10I am going to do something that has never been done by any human being
39:14since the beginning of time.
39:20Yes, and all I need is this.
39:23A simple pack of cards?
39:23No.
39:24All I need is, indeed, a simple pack of cards.
39:28What I'm going to do is shuffle them.
39:30I'm going to shuffle this pack, okay?
39:32Now, there are different ways of shuffling, as you know,
39:33there's the overhand shuffle.
39:35Shut up!
39:35Like that.
39:37There is your standard riffle, which just riffle, push the cards together.
39:43Everyone can do that.
39:44Wait, wait, wait.
39:45I haven't come to it yet.
39:47And then there's the weave, which is rather more pleasing.
39:49Some people can do a weave so accurate,
39:51they actually go A, B, B, A, B, A, B, A, B, like that.
39:54And there, that gives you a nice fan, like so.
39:57Oh, that's a beautiful thing.
39:58And now I have produced a pack of cards,
40:02and that pack of cards, ladies and gentlemen,
40:05believe it or not,
40:06has never before in the history of our planet been in that order.
40:11It's never been in that order before.
40:14How can you possibly know that?
40:15How can we know that?
40:15It's a simple mathematical fact.
40:18The order of cards is a gigantic number.
40:23It's a number that is known by mathematicians as shriek.
40:27You write it as 52 exclamation mark, you'll know this.
40:31It's 52 factorial.
40:32It's 52 factorial, which is 52 times 51 times 50 times 49 times 48.
40:39These are all the possibilities in which a pack of cards can be.
40:43Just 52 of them.
40:44And that number is big.
40:46It's this big.
40:47Look how big this number is.
40:49That number is so big that were you to imagine
40:53that if every star in our galaxy had a trillion planets,
40:57each with a trillion people living on them,
41:00and each of these people had a trillion pack of cards,
41:03and somehow they managed to shuffle them all a thousand times a second,
41:08and they'd been doing that since the Big Bang,
41:10they would only just now be starting to repeat shuffles.
41:14So I can say with all the mathematical certainty that it is possible
41:20that this pack of cards has never been in this order before.
41:24It's an absolute world first.
41:27Wow.
41:28Very good.
41:35And I know that seems amazing,
41:37but that number, it tells it all.
41:39It is astrology.
41:40And I have done something, as I say,
41:42that has never been done by any human being before.
41:44I've produced this pack of cards in this order.
41:46And for that, I'm going to award myself some points.
41:49So there.
41:50Anyway, that comes to the scores, I think.
41:54We'll go in reverse order from,
41:57well, from last to first.
41:59It's actually marvellous.
42:00We don't have a single minus number.
42:04We don't even have a zero.
42:05Everybody's on a plus.
42:07We have equal Dara, Joe, and Alan with one point.
42:19In a clear second place, with 16, is John Sessions.
42:29But the clear winner, with 52 shriek, 52 times 51,
42:34that number you saw, is me!
42:37Yay!
42:46Well, that's all from John, Dara, Joe, Alan, and me.
42:50Be utterly lovely unto each other, and good night.
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