- 9 hours ago
First broadcast 7th December 2012.
Stephen Fry
Alan Davies
Brian Cox (as Prof Brian Cox, University of Manchester)
Jason Manford
Rhys Darby
Stephen Fry
Alan Davies
Brian Cox (as Prof Brian Cox, University of Manchester)
Jason Manford
Rhys Darby
Category
📺
TVTranscript
00:01Good evening, good evening, good evening, good evening, good evening, good evening, and welcome to QI for an episode which
00:08is all about justice, members of the jury, the just Brian Cox, the judicious Rhys Darby, the judgmental Jason Manford,
00:31and a jailbird, Alan Davis.
00:40Well, in case I nod off during these proceedings, you all know how to catch my attention, it's with a
00:46buzzer, and Jason goes.
00:49Brian goes.
00:51All rise.
00:53Rhys goes.
00:55Order, order.
00:57And Alan goes.
01:02Excellent.
01:03So let's start laying down the law.
01:06Describe the rules.
01:07Oh, he's free!
01:09Ask apology.
01:10I'll tell you what, being a copper back then when everyone dressed like that was well easy.
01:15I think it might be him, it might be that guy.
01:18I'm going to take this off because the bridge of my nose is rubbing.
01:20Oh, you don't want that.
01:21Oh my God, it's Alan Davis!
01:23I won!
01:24Noel Coward was in a rehearsal when one of the actors was picking his nose.
01:28He thought secretly and Noel shouted, wave when you get to the bridge.
01:34Anyway, describe the rules on a pirate ship.
01:39Rules?
01:41Yeah.
01:41What sort of rules would they have?
01:43Obviously they've got a captain.
01:44Yes.
01:44So he's in charge.
01:45So I imagine he gets most of the gold and whatever they find.
01:49Well, oddly enough, they had two senior officers, the captain and the quartermaster.
01:53And the captain could be vetoed by the quartermaster on all matters except battle.
02:00Okay.
02:00Except rules of engagement when fighting.
02:02And they had strong laws.
02:04And the quartermaster was, he was about, how much did he, divvied out.
02:07Including, he decided how much the captain got.
02:09The captain had no special quarters.
02:11He didn't have a, you know, wonderful room, such as you imagine in movies.
02:15So it's not exactly from hierarchical, it's kind of a rule of two, the quartermaster and the captain.
02:19Otherwise, it was more or less a democracy in a strange sort of way, but with strict rules.
02:23For example, in Captain Bartholomew, Robert's ship, the fortune, there was no gambling.
02:28It was like a boarding school.
02:29No smuggling girls into the dorm.
02:31No playing music on a Sunday.
02:34And lights out at eight o'clock sharp in the evening.
02:36It's rubbish being a pirate.
02:38I know.
02:38It's not quite what you imagine, is it?
02:39It might have the captain.
02:40That's rubbish.
02:41But also...
02:42Where are you going to smuggle these girls from, anyway?
02:45That's true.
02:45Can you rescue one from the sea?
02:47No, no, no, no.
02:47There is a wonderful book, when Vic Reeves was on, he mentioned he was an expert on piracy.
02:51He loves a pirate, Vic Reeves.
02:52He loves piracy.
02:53And it's a book that both he and I had read, called Sodomy and the Piratical Tradition.
02:56And so it is a very well-known book of history.
03:00No, it is.
03:01So we're quite highbrow on the intellectuals.
03:04It is a very serious book of history, and very interesting, which goes into the way these things were run.
03:09But, obviously, with the emphasis on the sodomy.
03:11But there was also, obviously...
03:12And were there rules surrounding that particular pursuit?
03:16Yeah.
03:16There were rules, indeed there were, absolutes.
03:18Very strict rules.
03:19You couldn't just take whomever you pleased.
03:21Whatever.
03:21What are the rules of sodomy?
03:23No, on Sunday.
03:26I...
03:26I...
03:27It's...
03:27Eye-wateringly complex.
03:29Yeah.
03:30You're too young and too innocent to know.
03:33Honestly.
03:34I think for future reference, if I didn't...
03:37Stick to small things like supernovas.
03:40This is really too...
03:41Too explosive.
03:42Eye-wateringly complex.
03:46When it came to women aboard, the articles of Captain George Lowther, who was a famous pirate of his day,
03:51said,
03:51If at any time you meet with a prudent woman, that man that offers to meddle with her, without her
03:57consent, shall suffer present death.
04:00So, meddling with a prudent woman, without her consent, got you death.
04:05So, they really were very strict with each other.
04:07So, meddling was rape, really.
04:09I think, essentially, we're talking about rape, yeah.
04:10That lost its meaning by the time Scooby-Doo came on.
04:12Exactly.
04:18Why do you pesky kid's own medals?
04:22Votorious gang rapists.
04:26That's just terrible.
04:28I'm ashamed of you.
04:30Do they have pirates in New Zealand?
04:32We've been attacked by pirates on occasion.
04:35And you didn't have anyone transported to New Zealand, like Australia?
04:38No, it was a destination of choice, for those seeking adventure.
04:43Yeah.
04:43And death.
04:45Nothing's changed.
04:46Nothing much has changed.
04:47No, exactly.
04:48Why is the pirate voice similar to the farmer's voice?
04:54Why, is there something?
04:56Arrgh!
04:57Get off my land!
04:58It's single.
04:59One man responsible.
05:01Right.
05:01Do you know who it is?
05:02It'll be a film actor.
05:03Yes.
05:04Oh, okay.
05:04Treasure Island?
05:05He played in a great performance of Treasure Island.
05:08In fact, Tony Hancock, the great comedian,
05:10he first started out as an impersonator of this actor.
05:13Lawton?
05:13No, not quite as well-known as Lawton.
05:15In his own day, he was very, very well-known,
05:17but now less well-known.
05:18Anybody?
05:19It was on QI before.
05:20It was on QI before.
05:22It was on QI before.
05:22We've mentioned on QI before.
05:24Oh, wait a minute.
05:24The choices of Alan remembering it are...
05:27Someone is in front of us saying,
05:29you've done this!
05:31Look at this fact!
05:33This was on Dave on Tuesday!
05:36New facts!
05:37New facts!
05:38New facts!
05:40Well, it was Robert Newton, anyway.
05:41Robert Newt!
05:42Thank you, yes.
05:43Robert Newton.
05:44Robert Newton is the right answer.
05:46Yeah, but it doesn't count because we've had it before.
05:48There we are.
05:48David Prowse almost did that, didn't he, to Darth Vader?
05:51He has a West Country action, didn't he?
05:53Yes, he did.
05:53And he famously thought that he was going to be used, didn't he?
05:56Yes.
05:56With his West Country action.
05:57I am your father.
06:01Very upset.
06:03I'm your father, and I'm your brother as well.
06:08Sorry for when I tore there.
06:10Joking!
06:12Well, see?
06:14See?
06:15See, Darth Vader on a big tractor.
06:16Yeah.
06:17Srandling down the corridors of the Death Star, chewing a bit of straw.
06:22Darth.
06:23Darth.
06:26Mr. Darth, to you.
06:27Mr. Darth.
06:28Mr. Darth.
06:31It's...
06:32It's...
06:32Yeah.
06:32Anyway.
06:35Um...
06:35You know the Skull and Crossbone flag?
06:38Yes.
06:38Did they really have that?
06:39Because, I mean, that's really giving it away, isn't it?
06:41Oh, hell, we definitely covered that in the last series.
06:42Oh, really?
06:43I must have missed that.
06:43Alan will tell you all about it.
06:44Go on.
06:46Johnny and Roger.
06:48Yeah, we're in one of those.
06:50What is that in proposition?
06:56Maybe later, Alan.
06:57It's been ten years, Steven, and I've finally come round to it.
07:01All right, Alan.
07:02It's time for a Jolly Roger.
07:05An eye-watering Jolly Roger.
07:08All right, now.
07:09What's the difference between a Californian prison and a medieval dungeon?
07:13Now you can see we've very cunningly placed the Tower of London,
07:17which is a medieval dungeon, or part of it is,
07:19next to Alcatraz, which is, of course, a famous Californian prison.
07:23Is it...
07:23Because...
07:24Is it anything to do with the fact that you can't get out?
07:26Is it Alcatraz is famous, isn't it?
07:29Of being like...
07:30No, not out of prison.
07:31How did you get it out of prison?
07:34If you popped in the dungeon, you're given manacles like you had earlier,
07:38and you're given board and lodging, essentially,
07:40and we go on today about prisoners having to...
07:43It's like a hotel.
07:44Oh, no.
07:44Look how much it cost the government.
07:46Well, in the medieval days...
07:47Oh, they made them work.
07:48But not just made them work, they made them pay.
07:51They had to pay for their manacles.
07:53Wow.
07:54They had to pay for their foot jives.
07:56They had to pay for their everything.
07:57They had to pay for their accommodation.
07:59So they had jobs?
07:59Well, no.
08:00That was the awful thing, isn't it?
08:02A lot of them, pretty obviously, were not very rich.
08:04So what happened was that they usually then ended up in debtor's prison
08:08because they couldn't afford to pay the fee.
08:11Is that a picture of the returns desk?
08:14I don't like it.
08:15These are a nightmare.
08:17It really hurts.
08:17But yes, I mean, when they closed the fleet prison in the 40s,
08:20they discovered somebody had been there for 40 years
08:21for what was a small debt they couldn't have paid.
08:24Anyway, the point is, medieval dungeons, you had to pay your fee.
08:27And in California, at least in Riverside County,
08:31they reintroduced such a system.
08:32It's County Jail now charges inmates $140 a day to be in jail.
08:37Wow.
08:37It's more than like a Premier Inn.
08:39It's more than a Premier Inn.
08:40It's more than Lenny Henry pays to stay in hotels.
08:43So then it's quite a lot of money.
08:45Yes, and County Council...
08:46Then again, there's no table tennis at Premier Inn, so...
08:49Ah, yes, it's true.
08:52Pamela Walls of the council noted it may prove hard to collect reimbursements
08:56because those defendants who are convicted of crimes and incarcerated
08:59typically have limited funds.
09:01What a system.
09:02The supervisor, Geoff Stone, he thinks these are very challenging economic times
09:07and it could be a great source of revenue.
09:08It could return three to five million dollars a year.
09:12But, unlike in Britain, where you still had to pay even if you were innocent,
09:16at least in California, if you turned out not to have been guilty,
09:19you get your money back.
09:20Oh dear.
09:20Yeah.
09:21But, like, where are these people getting their money from?
09:24It's from crime, isn't it?
09:25So all it's doing is encouraging them to rob more stuff.
09:28Yes.
09:29They think, I'm going into prison, right, I better rob a load of stuff,
09:31it's going to cost me a fortune.
09:32They're just about to catch me, I better rush into this shop and take a chill.
09:36It's true.
09:37It's true.
09:37They can work once they're in prison though, can't they?
09:39From, in prison.
09:40Oh, indeed, in most prisons.
09:41Yeah.
09:41But there's work.
09:42You can set up a little lemonade stand or something in the basketball court and, you know.
09:47I had to pay soldiers when I was in prison.
09:49I was in prison when I was in prison.
09:50Like toy ones.
09:51They were little toy soldiers.
09:52Oh, wow.
09:53So it was quite sort of relaxing work.
09:55Then I was put on the polishing the corridor duty, which was not so pleasant.
09:58When were you in prison?
10:00I didn't know you were in prison.
10:00Did you not know?
10:01Oh, I have a chequered past, Brian.
10:03It's a can of worms.
10:04Four years ago now.
10:07We've moved on, Brian.
10:09We've moved on.
10:09Many people believe I should still be.
10:12You've gone through an institute for several years and you've come out in debt.
10:15Yeah, I should say.
10:15I'd rather like being a student.
10:17Yes, exactly.
10:18Very well put.
10:19That is basically what students are doing.
10:21Except you learn probably a lot more in prison than you would.
10:23Yeah.
10:24You learn a trade.
10:25That's all sort.
10:26You get a trade, you come out with a trade.
10:28Useful trade.
10:28Bouncing.
10:29You learn how to be a bouncer.
10:31Don't take this question personally, Alan.
10:32I didn't write this question.
10:34All right.
10:34Okay.
10:35Now, what sort of person would say that Alan has a very small penis?
10:42I'm sorry.
10:44My wife.
10:45My wife.
10:45No!
10:47This is a legal question.
10:49It is very much a legal question, yes.
10:51Oh, okay.
10:51I'll tell you the world we're in.
10:53We're in the world of defamation, all right?
10:56Let's say I was to write a novel about someone who presented a quiz show called KI who was called
11:02Simon Dry and he had a regular sidekick with curly hair who was called Andrew Devons and had a very
11:12small penis.
11:13The idea is that he'll never sue because he'll never say, this is obviously based on me.
11:20Because no one will say, it's obviously based on me because my name's like that and I've got a small...
11:24Oh, hang on.
11:27So that's the idea is that when you want to slander somebody, you put in certain things that they would
11:33never admit to.
11:34They'd be too embarrassed to say that it's like them.
11:36There was a writer who was snubbed by Martin Amis, the great novelist.
11:40That's Martin Amis there.
11:41Peter James was snubbed by him and he got his own back by creating a character called Amis Smallbone whose
11:48manhood is compared to a stubby pencil.
11:51And presumably Martin Amis does not sue.
11:54Was it Martin Amis who wrote about Norman Mailer and put a little sort of to the appendix, you know,
12:00to the index because they knew that Norman would always look.
12:02That was called the dog.
12:03And it said, yeah, hi, Norman.
12:05That's right.
12:07It's a bit like that Jewish joke, isn't it, about the will being read out, you know, and to my
12:11brother-in-law, Louis, who always wanted to be mentioned in my will, hello, Louis.
12:21So how do we get away with that as stand-up comedians when someone, like, someone eccles you and you
12:25have a go back and you say something in front of a room of, you know.
12:28Well, it's a kind of understood contract between an audience and a comedian.
12:33Right.
12:33That someone heckles and you go, if I want any shit from you, I'll squeeze your head or whatever.
12:37You know, some straw.
12:39What's that?
12:46So, what, what, what, what else would you say?
12:50What other things?
12:51Just an example.
12:52Don't give away my best heckle remarks.
12:54Um, but what I mean is, if you made a joke heckle, that's not defamatory.
12:59I think that's the point.
13:00So, tit for tat doesn't stand up in court, does it?
13:03No, I don't think so, exactly.
13:04He started it.
13:05Yeah, exactly.
13:07But there are various defences.
13:09In the, in the case, which is an obviously untrue one of Alan's small penis, for example.
13:13One defence is the truth, does and does have a small penis.
13:18The other is parliamentary privilege.
13:20So, a member of parliament can get up and say, Alan Davis, Mr Speaker, has a small penis.
13:24Another member of parliament get up and say, he's a grower, not a shower.
13:32The point of order.
13:33The point is, you couldn't sue either of them because under parliamentary privilege, there's no action that could be taken.
13:39There's increased privilege in peer-reviewed scientific journals as well.
13:43Oh, that's privileged.
13:44Yes, it is to some extent.
13:46So that if you're quite rude about a fellow scientist.
13:49Yeah, as long as it's in a peer-reviewed journal and it's not malicious, then you're allowed to do it.
13:54In, in the interest of freedom of debate.
13:57I could publish a paper reviewed by my peers about your penis and I would be relatively immune unless I
14:02was being malicious about it.
14:04Right.
14:05Now that's the phrase, of course, they use in American defamatory law is absence of malice.
14:09If you can prove absence of malice, then you can say almost anything.
14:12I like his small penis.
14:16It's very, very tiny, but it's wonderful.
14:19Yes.
14:19Surely at some point, sarcasm must come and...
14:22Well, there's that.
14:23If you can prove that, exactly.
14:24So, the other one is good faith.
14:26I genuinely thought he had a small penis.
14:28I didn't mean it.
14:29As defamatory, it was said in good faith.
14:32That's one thing.
14:32The other is opinion.
14:34Which is, it was just my opinion.
14:35Compared to mine, it's small, okay?
14:37Right.
14:38It's a review.
14:39It's a review.
14:40It's a review, exactly.
14:41One star.
14:42The other is public interest.
14:44The public has a right to know the size of a small penis.
14:49That might be a defense.
14:51The other is consent.
14:52He agreed with me about the size of his penis.
14:55The other one is vulgar abuse.
14:58Surely you didn't believe me when I said you had a small penis.
15:01I was just being rude to you.
15:02I was not defaming you.
15:04It would be like if I called you, you know, one of the unacceptable taboo swear words.
15:09If I called you a motherfucker, you know.
15:11It's not defaming you.
15:12Whereas if I actually wrote down that I believed you actually incestuously did have sex with your mother, that would
15:18be defamatory.
15:19So that's the difference?
15:21Not with a penis that size.
15:26That's just going all over the place.
15:29Can we see the evidence?
15:32It's all about evidence.
15:33Not from there, it's mine.
15:34No, no.
15:35Just let me do.
15:37No, no, no.
15:38Settle this.
15:38The first person at home going, I should never have gone HD.
15:51Rise.
16:00There you go.
16:04There is...
16:07Is this on BBC Three these days?
16:11I'm so sorry.
16:12I'm fine.
16:12I know.
16:13Anyway, that's the point.
16:14Saying a character isn't very well, Han could save you from a libel action.
16:18Which reality TV format was invented by Charlemagne's father?
16:23There's a picture of Charlemagne.
16:25Big Brother?
16:26It's not as well as Big Brother.
16:27I will give you a clue.
16:29Celebrity Big Brother?
16:32On Channel 5?
16:33I'm a king, get me out of here.
16:35Don't cover it.
16:36I can tell you it was presented by Dale Winton.
16:41Supermarket Sweep?
16:42No, I...
16:43What else is he doing?
16:46Ah, you're pretty good.
16:47I know the workings of...
16:49You're good on Dale.
16:51Yeah.
16:51You probably don't know who Dale Winton is, do you?
16:54Ah, chap or lady?
16:57Audience, the head!
17:03He's a very charming gentleman, Mr. Winton.
17:06Well turned out.
17:08Well turned out gentleman.
17:10Very nice man.
17:11Who was his father?
17:12Well, Charlemagne's father is a good question.
17:14Unlikely to have heard of him.
17:15I'd be very impressed if you have heard of him.
17:17He was Count Pepin the Short, unfortunately.
17:20But if you go back to...
17:21This is even pre-medieval.
17:22This is the Dark Ages.
17:23If you go back to that, justice was meted out in all kinds of odd ways.
17:26One of the odd ways, it was a system of testing, which was called an ordeal.
17:31An ordeal.
17:32Ordeal.
17:32Ordeal.
17:33Ordeal.
17:33Ordeal.
17:34Ordeal.
17:34Ordeal.
17:35Ordeal or no ordeal.
17:36Oh no!
17:39If only were...
17:41If only were no lemons we were talking about, then that would do...
17:43Is he a lady or a man?
17:45Is no lemons a lady?
17:48Well, ordeals.
17:49And this particular ordeal involved...
17:53Two people had a quarrel.
17:54They both had to make the shape of a cross.
17:57See?
17:58And...
17:58And stay there.
18:00I don't know what that's about.
18:03Someone said he's got a small penis.
18:07Are you a real doctor?
18:09It was called Judicium Crucis.
18:12The Justice of the Cross in Latin.
18:14And basically, it's a bit like the school punishments where they make you do that.
18:17Have you ever did that?
18:17The one who just dropped his hands first was wrong.
18:20And it happened to the Archbishop of Paris with the Abbot of Saint Denis.
18:25Only they would use champions to do it for them.
18:27So they would say, you on my behalf, stand for as long as you can in the cross.
18:31And in this case, the Archbishop of Paris won.
18:34It's a pity you have to nominate someone.
18:35Because if you didn't, you could just pick on old people.
18:42You could have ordeal by tickling.
18:44They genuinely had all kinds of ordeals.
18:45Ordeals by water.
18:46Ordeals by fire and so on.
18:48But there is a car game.
18:50Is it that one where you have to kick your hand on the car?
18:52Yeah.
18:53And then the last one wins it.
18:54You see?
18:55You do know it.
18:56Dale Winton presented, I think on Channel 5, an endurance game show based on a Japanese
19:01original called Touch the Truck.
19:04Ah.
19:06That's Dale there.
19:07I'd love to watch that.
19:08Just loads of people touching a car and then that's it.
19:10Yeah.
19:11For an hour.
19:12For an hour?
19:1381 hours.
19:15Well, I'd sky plus it and fast forward through it.
19:18It's basically the last one to give up on touching the truck.
19:21But it doesn't do anything.
19:22You just stand there.
19:23No, you have to touch it.
19:24Yeah, it's going 80 mile an hour.
19:28That's a game show.
19:33You were allowed a 10 minute break every 2 hours and 15 minutes every 6 hours.
19:38This is made up, isn't it?
19:39No one would...
19:40If you fell asleep you were disqualified so you had to stay awake.
19:44You couldn't just lie on the car with your hand on it.
19:45You had to be consciously touching it.
19:48And the idea was the last person left touching it won it.
19:52And the winner, you'll probably want to know all about him I expect,
19:54He won the truck, obviously.
19:57And he sold it in order to raise funds to stand as a political...
20:01For arm surgery.
20:03To stand as a political candidate.
20:05He stood to Kingston and Surbiton at the 2001 general election.
20:09There was a turnout of 49,093 people and he secured 54 votes.
20:15Wow.
20:18We do it in New Zealand.
20:19It's a radio show contest.
20:21It quite often happens.
20:22Yeah, we're probably the last country still doing it.
20:25That's the only way you can get your cars back in New Zealand.
20:29Doing it on radio sounds even weirder to me, I have to say.
20:32They're still touching it?
20:33They're still touching it?
20:34Do you have to drop?
20:34Still touching it?
20:35No, they interview the people who are touching the car.
20:38So, I've got John here, how's it going?
20:40Ah, good, I'm still touching it.
20:42You know.
20:43How many hours now?
20:44Seven.
20:44One.
20:45Anyway.
20:47That's it.
20:47That's basically a game show inspired by a dark ages endurance test.
20:52Yeah.
20:53Extraordinary, isn't it?
20:54What sentence would you recommend in Jedward Justice?
21:00Like...
21:00Like...
21:00I feel very sorry, Everace.
21:02We're giving you all kinds of cultural references that can mean nothing to you.
21:05Have you heard of Jedward?
21:06Yeah.
21:06Are they judges?
21:09They look very young.
21:11I believe Irish.
21:12Are they twins?
21:12They're conjoined twin judges.
21:15They're not conjoined.
21:16They've done well, haven't they?
21:22They're not conjoined.
21:26They're twins, yeah.
21:29Did you get a reaction?
21:31No, it looks like they are.
21:34Who has the R in the middle?
21:37They do look a little strange, I have to say, but that's probably because of the wig business.
21:41No, no.
21:42Nothing to do with it.
21:44Okay.
21:45Nothing to do with it.
21:46But anyway, there really is such a thing as Jedward Justice.
21:48It predates these twinsters.
21:50Maybe that's where they got their name from, really.
21:51Oh, I don't think so, really.
21:53This is a town which was originally called Jedward, and then it changed its name to Jedbra.
21:58It still exists.
21:59Jedbra, you may have heard of it.
22:00In the northeast.
22:01It is.
22:01It's on the borders, in fact.
22:03It's a border town, and that's the clue, really.
22:06The borders, as you know, suffered throughout history.
22:09Incursions and raids from England, raiding through Scotland, stealing, and vice versa.
22:15And they were often summarily hanged without a trial, and it was known as Jedward Justice.
22:22And our name for that, where someone is especially killed without a trial, is what word do we use for
22:27that?
22:27Ah, lynchmarble.
22:28Lynch, lynch, lynch.
22:29Now, where does the word lynch, why is it called lynch?
22:32I have absolutely no idea.
22:34Well, there's a claim to the origin of the term lynch, which is a man called James Lynch Fit Stephen,
22:40who was the mayor of Galway in Ireland.
22:42And he hanged his own son from the balcony of his house after convicting him of the murder of a
22:48Spanish visitor in 1493.
22:51Wow.
22:51So that's pretty bold, isn't it?
22:53It's on a bike.
22:54It's extreme.
22:55Don't it's lesson?
22:56He never did it again.
22:59No.
23:00It's a joke.
23:00Did he say, hanged his own son for stealing a bike?
23:03No.
23:04No.
23:05Did he say, what did you think that he said?
23:07Did he get off?
23:07I misheard you, because I'm so hungry.
23:08I don't want to stop.
23:09Killing his, killing his, I can't concentrate when I'm hungry.
23:12Killing his Spaniard?
23:13So killing his Spanish visitor, yes, Spaniard.
23:16He killed me.
23:16Do you not listen to him?
23:17No, he doesn't.
23:18No, I'm starving, hungry.
23:19Are you?
23:20And now I can't concentrate, because I'm having a blood sugar crack.
23:22I never get called up for jury service and you're hungry in the afternoon.
23:27What was it?
23:27Kill the Spaniard or stole a bike?
23:31It's quite an important descent.
23:34Starving.
23:35Can I get an apple?
23:36Yeah.
23:36Where did that come from?
23:37I don't know.
23:38Stole a bike?
23:39I don't know.
23:39I was just drifting off.
23:41I was thinking about pasta.
23:43When his brain sugar drops, I'm afraid all kinds of weird things start to happen.
23:48Well, there's no one got something to eat here, do we not?
23:50Are you bringing Sully down?
23:51There you go, come on.
23:52Thank you very much.
23:53Come on.
23:56Come on.
23:56Come on.
23:57Come on.
23:57Come on.
23:58What's that?
23:59What's that?
24:00I'm having a flapjack.
24:02Oh, flapjack.
24:05Oh, thank you.
24:06Yeah, go on.
24:06Oh, do you have them kids?
24:08Very good.
24:14You got something to eat for Stephen?
24:15No, no, I'm just going to find it.
24:16When was the bicycle invented?
24:18It wasn't invented in 1493, was it?
24:20No.
24:21Don't do anything.
24:23Don't do anything.
24:23Well, in fact, I'm questioning Alan's.
24:27As if Alan's mind works on logical rails.
24:31You'll be found guilty of that.
24:32Stole me bike.
24:33You what?
24:33I don't know.
24:35Don't even know what one is.
24:37Don't know what it is.
24:37It should be just enough sugar to get your mind to tell the difference between somebody murdering a Spaniard and
24:43stealing the bike.
24:44Before the invention of the bike.
24:46Yeah, exactly.
24:47Alright.
24:47Let's just do the question again.
24:49Come on.
24:50You don't get away with it that easily.
24:53Anyway, moving on.
24:54Why should you never leave a judge in a room on his own?
25:00He might sentence himself.
25:04As it were.
25:06As it were.
25:07As it were, yeah.
25:07As it were, yeah.
25:09Well, you're not allowed to.
25:10Well, if you're a barrister, you're not allowed to.
25:12That's right.
25:12I used to work at the Crown Courts in Manchester and, er, er, as a, erm, the accused.
25:18And, er, quite a bit.
25:21No, I used to, my dad and auntie were stenographers, so I used to sort of do, like, over the
25:25summer.
25:25Oh, did they use those machines?
25:26Yeah, that sort of, er, that sort of palaver.
25:28And, erm, if you were, like, the last barrister knocking about, you weren't allowed to leave if the judge was
25:34still in.
25:34Exactly right.
25:35Yeah.
25:35It's called dressing the judge.
25:37You don't actually dress him, it's just known as dressing the judge.
25:40Er, don't they?
25:41Oh, not there, aren't they?
25:43They look very pleased.
25:44One of the backs had a lovely moment.
25:47Oh, yeah.
25:48He really is.
25:50It's a bit of a bliss out, isn't it?
25:51He's really very happy.
25:53But, in fact, in actual terms of dressing a judge, it's a very expensive business.
25:56The High Court judge's attire can amount to £14,920.
26:02That's quite expensive for your work gear.
26:04It includes the cost of two scarlet robes, like this, and a silk one.
26:07The horsehair wig costs £1,295.
26:11They have court britches with buckles at £665.
26:15Stockings, suspenders.
26:16Yeah, well, they do have to wear stockings.
26:18Bras.
26:18When you take silk, you have to wear two pairs of stockings as a barrister.
26:22And the reason for that is that Queen Victoria was very offended by the sight of men's hairs sticking out
26:27from their legs through the silk tights.
26:29That is horrible.
26:30So they had to wear two pairs of tights so their hairs didn't stick out.
26:33And this tradition continues to the day.
26:35Wow.
26:35Isn't that interesting?
26:36Yes, it is, Stephen. Thank you.
26:37Good.
26:39But the wig sort of doubles up now because, I mean, I don't know if it's always been the case,
26:43but in a sort of Superman-type disguise,
26:45like, if you ever see a judge out of his wig and robe, he looks completely different.
26:52So he can sort of have a little wander around Manchester City Centre even though everyone hates him and no
26:56one knows that they hate him.
26:57That is one of the reasons they cling on to this whole business.
27:00They say it does give them a kind of anonymity.
27:03A barrister's are not allowed to shake hands with each other either.
27:05Oh, I didn't know that.
27:06Yeah, yeah, they're not allowed to shake hands with each other.
27:08Well, they're just pumped, are they?
27:11You see?
27:13All right.
27:14Out of court, they don't shake hands with each other.
27:17Interesting.
27:17I think it must be down to just a, well, if he's looking after me, I don't want to see
27:21him...
27:21Yeah, I guess so.
27:22...bratenising with the enemy sort of thing.
27:23But do you know about this one?
27:24You might do it.
27:25If you're not properly dressed as a barrister, if you've not got the right black and white or you're wearing
27:29a colourful tie or something like that,
27:31the judge, as it were, can't see you.
27:34Oh, right.
27:34Yeah, she says, I cannot see you.
27:37Also, I cannot hear you.
27:39If he's not properly dressed, I cannot hear you.
27:41You can shout as loud as you like if he's not properly dressed.
27:45Can't see you.
27:46Can't hear you.
27:49All of that.
27:50So, until they wear the right clothes, they cannot be seen or heard by the judge.
27:54It's a bit of a weird situation.
27:54If you didn't know what item of clothing you had on that was offending him.
27:59Yes.
27:59And you'd be going, is it the bow tie?
28:00And then, like, the second you took it off, he went, hello!
28:05Well, there you are.
28:07Well, there you are.
28:07There you are.
28:09Anyway, now, what happened when the biggest miser in the land forgot his reading glasses?
28:15He made an error in which he gave away his fortune or something happened.
28:18No.
28:19Because he had forgotten his glasses, he wasn't able to sign a document.
28:23Because he couldn't see.
28:24So, he said, I'll take the document and I'll sign it at home.
28:27What might that document be?
28:28His will, maybe?
28:28His will.
28:30Yes.
28:30So, there, he's got his will.
28:33He said, oh, I can't, I'll take it home and sign it at home.
28:36He got home.
28:36Died.
28:37Yes.
28:38Oh.
28:39Now, that case, his name, his name, his name was Jennings and he was very, very rich.
28:46And he had quite a lot of family.
28:48So, there was a case called Jennings v. Jennings, or as a lawyer would say, Jennings and Jennings.
28:53And it started in 1798 when he died and it ended in 1915.
29:01Wow.
29:02Wow.
29:02Why did it end?
29:03The jury all died.
29:05No.
29:06But the Jennings died.
29:07No.
29:07Well, they found his glasses.
29:10Because...
29:19He died for the same reason that the fictional version of this case, that Charles Dickens made
29:25famous in his novel, Bleak House, John Dice v. John Dice, which he based exactly on this
29:29story, for the same reason.
29:31The estate ran out of money.
29:32The lawyers had used up every penny of the estate.
29:37Doesn't that tell you everything you need to know?
29:39And Bleak House, of course, which is one of Dickens' absolute masterpieces, has this court
29:44case running through it, John Dice v. John Dice.
29:46And it's been going for dozens of years in Chancery.
29:49But he wrote that in 1852.
29:51And this Jennings case had been going on for 54 years.
29:56And Dickens was little to know that it was to carry on going till the First World War.
30:00I mean, it's staggering, isn't it?
30:02And all because the man forgot to sign his will.
30:04These people were so desperate, so repatient...
30:06We don't forget that he died.
30:08LAUGHTER
30:11Here they are.
30:12There they are.
30:13It must be very good glasses to help you read that book.
30:16LAUGHTER
30:18Have you done your will?
30:19Have you had that chat?
30:21It's actually depressing.
30:22Well, you had a lady come round to the house, and I sat down with her.
30:25And because she's so used to talking about death...
30:28Yeah.
30:28...she's sort of, like, not bothered about it.
30:30Nonchalant.
30:31Yeah, I'd say so.
30:32And she sat there, and she said,
30:33Right, so if you die, where do you want, you know, your money and house and all that to go
30:36to?
30:37I said, well, the wife and the kids and that.
30:39She said, and what, if you and your wife both die?
30:41I said, er...
30:57See what the hell went on?
30:58Wipes a family of five off the planet!
31:01LAUGHTER
31:01Mine was a bit more circumspect.
31:03They kept finding different words for die, they were...
31:06And even you both...go.
31:09LAUGHTER
31:09Perish.
31:10Part.
31:11You were both gathered to the bosom of Abraham.
31:14LAUGHTER
31:15Well, I suppose that's their job, isn't it?
31:17Basically.
31:18I think I'd better...well, I can't remember.
31:19You can have my collection of Wagner records.
31:22Oh, thank you.
31:23Make him sign it now.
31:25LAUGHTER
31:26He'd be very keen for me not to sign it, I suspect.
31:29Um, no, he was considered the richest commoner in the land,
31:32the richest non-aristocrat,
31:33and he lived in Grosvenor Square,
31:35in a very sumptuous and beautiful house,
31:37except he lived in two tiny little rooms in the cellar,
31:39and he kept the sumptuous rooms
31:41because he charged visitors to be shown around them.
31:43That's how much of a miser he was.
31:45If only three ghosts would have visited him.
31:48That's not where they sorted that.
31:50I'd be the biggest turkey in the window.
31:51Exactly right.
31:53Exactly.
31:53Tiny Tim, master of all.
31:55Anyway,
31:56where would you find a precocious toddler,
31:58a fertile octogenarian,
31:59and a moron in a hurry?
32:01Is that on...?
32:02LAUGHTER
32:04LAUGHTER
32:04Fuck your palace.
32:06Oh!
32:07Like the celebrity big brother.
32:09Are they calling the Evans a moron there?
32:11That seems very tough.
32:12He's a precocious toddler, isn't that?
32:13Oh, is he?
32:15Phew!
32:15Again, this is in law.
32:17A moron in a hurry.
32:19Well, we've all been that.
32:20Yes, we have.
32:22These are sort of fictional types of people.
32:25That they use in law?
32:27That they use in law.
32:28The most famous one is the man on the Clapham...
32:31Omnibus.
32:32Omnibus.
32:33It has to do with advertising.
32:34I.e. what we would call the man...
32:35No, it's not.
32:36It's just the man in the street.
32:37Oh, I see.
32:38English common law is based on the idea of the reasonable man.
32:41What would a reasonable person think, you know?
32:43The man on the Clapham Omnibus is not stupid,
32:45but he's not a professor of astrophysics.
32:48He's not a moron in a hurry.
32:49He's just an ordinary, sensible citizen.
32:53And that is used as a standard by judges.
32:55And a moron in a hurry is used as a standard
32:57for another kind of problem in law that might come up.
33:01It's in the area of passing off.
33:03Do you know what I mean by passing off?
33:04Like logos or something?
33:05Yeah, so, expand.
33:07Almost like false advertising.
33:10Or maybe plagiarism.
33:11That's more like it.
33:12As it were, product plagiarism.
33:13Yes.
33:14Suppose I brought out something called Boca Bola
33:16and it was in a can exactly like,
33:19with the same lettering and the same patterning.
33:21That would be against the law.
33:23A moron in a hurry probably, would he notice that?
33:26If it was green, not red, he would notice.
33:29Even a moron in a hurry would notice.
33:31That would not count as passing off.
33:33But if it was very similar and he thought,
33:36oh, I'm buying a bad can of Coke, that's passing off,
33:38you know, because you don't have to look very hard.
33:40You can just quickly see it seems to be the same thing.
33:42Right.
33:42So that's just used as a sort of type.
33:45I've got to be careful there
33:45because you've also got people who are not very observant.
33:49Well, there is that.
33:50You know, I mean, that's me.
33:52Are you not an observant person?
33:53Well, yes, when I was in the army
33:55there was an observation trail we had to do
33:57and you had to walk through the bush
33:59and they put all these things that you had to go through
34:01and have a look
34:02and then when you came out the other end of the bush
34:04the sergeant would ask you,
34:06what sort of things did you see?
34:08And I told him I saw three things
34:10including the cone which marked the exit.
34:14So there was really just two things I saw
34:17and there were 17 things in the bush
34:20and one of those was a tank.
34:27But, you know, my excuse was a lot of it was camouflaged.
34:31Yeah.
34:32That's good.
34:33I'm not a moron in a hurry.
34:35No.
34:35Because I took a long time.
34:37A casual moron.
34:38Three times the length of time.
34:40A casual moron, yes.
34:42So you'd be a fertile octogenarian then?
34:45Yes.
34:46Well, the fertile octogenarian is a fictitious character
34:48who presumes that anyone, even an octogenarian,
34:51can parent a child.
34:52So they're these kind of archetypes.
34:54What's a kid? Why is she in a mood?
34:55Because she's a toddler.
34:57Like a fertile octogenarian at the other end of the scale.
35:00Oh, okay.
35:00To be fair, she's not a toddler.
35:02She's a bit older than that.
35:03She is. She looks jolly cross, doesn't she?
35:05Jolly cross.
35:06Anyway, not in the realm of fiction and certainly not legal,
35:09can you explain this?
35:11Two people claim to have had sex on the moon.
35:16Who are they?
35:17How do they do it?
35:19Well, they're clearly under the moon.
35:21Yes.
35:22That's amazing.
35:23Yes, they are rather, aren't they?
35:25Ricky Brothers, it's not Armstrong and Aldrin.
35:28Well, they're all not.
35:30It's not the astronauts.
35:31There's no one that's actually been there.
35:32Not on the moon itself.
35:34But are there any bits of the moon on Earth?
35:36Yeah, moon rock.
35:37Yes.
35:37In the spring of 2002, an intern at NASA at the Johnson Space Center in Houston,
35:42three interns, stole the whole safe full of rock samples there.
35:48The ringleader, Thad Roberts, and his accomplice with the wonderful name of Tiffany Fowler,
35:54apparently spread the rocks on a bed and did it on the rocks.
36:00That doesn't sound, it's horrible.
36:01They got the rocks off on the rocks.
36:03I don't know how you'd say it.
36:04It does sound uncomfortable.
36:05It does sound terrible.
36:06But it's certainly unique.
36:07I don't think there's any other couple on Earth can claim to have shagged on the moon,
36:11or at least on bits of the moon.
36:12I think I own a bit of the moon.
36:14You own a bit of the moon?
36:14Yeah, someone got it at me once for my birthday.
36:16Oh, it's like having a star name.
36:18I don't know how legitimate it is.
36:19I'm just waiting for Branson to sort it out.
36:22Yes.
36:22Then I'll have a little look.
36:24You'll probably know more about this than I do, but Virgin Galactic is not the only company
36:28that's seeking to offer at least a journey out of the atmosphere.
36:32Yeah.
36:32But it'll be quite a short time out of the atmosphere, won't you?
36:35Yeah, you'll be there for a few minutes.
36:37It'll cost a lot, but would you consider doing it?
36:41I would.
36:42You'd love to see it.
36:43Yeah, yeah, yeah.
36:44It's more of a thrill ride, isn't it?
36:46About two and a half minutes, and then you come down.
36:48Like the vomit comet, which is the way you plug...
36:50I did that.
36:50Have you done that with the...
36:51Oh, yes, you did on your show.
36:53Yeah.
36:53So you did, yes, absolutely.
36:54And that's...
36:55Remarkable.
36:56I have to say, I watched it and I admired it.
36:58You did very well.
36:59But I was really admiring the cameraman.
37:02Spinning around.
37:03Managing to keep you in shot.
37:05Yeah, that's right.
37:05It can't have been easy.
37:06But there will be bits of the moon other than the bits
37:09that were brought back on the surface of the Earth.
37:11There's quite a lot of moon and Mars, because you get meteorites...
37:14...that enter the Earth's atmosphere.
37:17And it may be apocryphal, but the story of a piece of Mars
37:21hitting a dog in Egypt...
37:23Really?
37:23...and killing the dog, yeah.
37:25What are the chances of the unlucky dog?
37:27But it's one of the Martian meteorites,
37:29the famous Martian meteorites.
37:30Presumably ended his life.
37:31Yes.
37:32Coming in at quite a speed, quite a...
37:33Yeah, and go...
37:35There's also...
37:36We'd better be caught it.
37:38Yeah.
37:39There's also a story of a woman whose leg was broken by a meteorite.
37:42It was in bed, and one came through her roof and broke her leg.
37:46Brian, is the moon the same all the way through, or is the surface different from the rest of it?
37:52It's not got an iron core, because it's thought to have been blasted off the edge of the Earth
37:58by a collision early on in the formation of the solar system.
38:01Did they go down very far, the Apollo astronauts, when they were collecting samples?
38:05No.
38:06They just scooped it off the surface.
38:07It just sacked and off they went.
38:09Yeah.
38:09Is that some of the evidence that tells you that the moon was blasted off the Earth at some point
38:14in the past?
38:14Because the composition of the rock is very similar.
38:17Anyway, I should point out that this story that Thad Roberts tells of shagging on the moon,
38:21not everybody believes him.
38:22Some people think he's just a big old show-off, and it's not true.
38:26But he certainly claims it, and so on.
38:28Who knows?
38:28And finally, why would I encourage a psychopath to eyeball my crotch?
38:35Look at that picture.
38:39Wow.
38:40This is one of those that I don't think we want to know the real answer.
38:43No.
38:44Nice idea.
38:45Would it release the tension?
38:47Well, I'm afraid we're back in the weird world of the 1960s,
38:51and we're in the world of theoretical psychiatry.
38:55And it won't surprise you to learn that it was in California,
38:59there was a psychologist called Paul Bindrim, who pioneered nude psychotherapy.
39:04In 1967, at a nudist resort, and he devised discomforting exercises,
39:10one of which was called crotch eyeballing,
39:12in which participants were instructed to look at each other's genitals,
39:17and disclose the sexual experiences they felt most guilty about,
39:22while lying naked in a circle with their legs in the air.
39:26I'm afraid there was a doctor at Oak Ridge Hospital for the Criminally Insane,
39:31a Canadian psychiatrist called Elliot Barker,
39:33who did the marathon nude psychotherapy session for criminal psychopaths.
39:37These raw, naked, LSD-fueled sessions lasted 11 days.
39:42Wow.
39:4311 days, you give a psychopath LSD, take their clothes off, and...
39:50But, you see, I believe in evidence-based medicine,
39:53so if that can be shown to work, it should be available on the NHS.
39:56I agree.
39:58It doesn't matter how ridiculous it is.
40:00Yes, so right.
40:01I, too, an empiricist like you, you'll be pleased to know
40:04that the average rate of recidivism amongst psychopaths is 60%.
40:11Amongst those who did that programme, it was 80%.
40:14There we are.
40:16Therefore, with a strong pass.
40:17That's a bad idea.
40:19Recidivism...
40:19Oh, I see, I see, yeah.
40:20Recidivism is when you do it decline again.
40:22Yes, yeah.
40:22But why don't we try it?
40:24Let's get up.
40:25Let's all get up and show each other our genitals.
40:28I, I, I...
40:29Come on.
40:30Come on.
40:31Come on.
40:32Come on.
40:33Come on.
40:36There's a lot of people getting cameras out.
40:38Oh, no.
40:40We're in social networking.
40:41He's got a very long telephoto lens as well.
40:44It's insulting.
40:45You won't see mine from there.
40:46Yeah, yeah.
40:47There you go.
40:53Maybe the audience could take their clothes off as well.
40:56You feel good about that?
40:58Yeah, I feel more comfortable.
40:59OK.
41:00I hope the BBC lets us show this moment.
41:03So, one, two, three...
41:04Browsers on.
41:05Oh, dear.
41:06We, um, seem to have a technical problem.
41:09We're working to fix that as soon as we can.
41:12And, good, it's fixed now.
41:13So, let's get straight back to QI.
41:15Hopefully, we haven't missed anything quite interesting.
41:18That was very good.
41:19That went well.
41:20I thought that was...
41:21Very, very good.
41:22That was very interesting.
41:24Very interesting.
41:28Um...
41:29And, uh...
41:30Good one.
41:31I can see why they call you Brian Cox now.
41:35Absolutely.
41:36Because he had a blue one.
41:37Yeah, no, all right.
41:39Anyway, we've learnt a lot about each other and about the audience.
41:42Thank you for participating as well, all of you.
41:46Um...
41:47It was very interesting.
41:49It was very revealing.
41:50And, talking of revealing, there is something, after all, to be said for crotch eyeballing.
41:54There's a lot more to be said for score eyeballing.
41:58And, my goodness me, do we have some scores for you today.
42:02It's hard to believe that a man of such intellect should be in last place.
42:05But, I'm sorry to say, on minus seven, it's Brian Cox.
42:08What?
42:13It's an honour.
42:14And, uh...
42:16On minus two, Janus-
42:18In second place.
42:28With a magnificent plus score of three, is Rhys Darby.
42:31Oh, well thank you.
42:36And can you believe it, there's the element with a towering five inches, I mean, sorry,
42:41a towering five points, Alan Davis.
42:53It only remains to me to thank Rhys, Jason, Brian and Alan and may God have mercy on yourselves.
42:59Good night.
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