- 1 day ago
First broadcast 23rd November 2012.
Stephen Fry
Alan Davies
Reginald D Hunter
Greg Proops
David O'Doherty
Stephen Fry
Alan Davies
Reginald D Hunter
Greg Proops
David O'Doherty
Category
📺
TVTranscript
00:01Good evening, good evening, good evening, good evening.
00:04And to a greater or lesser extent, good evening and welcome to QI,
00:08where tonight my companions and I are plunging into the jungle
00:12and helping me swing my machete are
00:15the king of the jungle, Greg Proops.
00:22The king of the swingers, Reginald D. Hunter.
00:29A jungle VIP, David O'Doherty.
00:36And a bit of an animal, Alan Davis.
00:45Well, before we begin, we ought to hear your beastly buzzers.
00:49Reginald goes...
00:53David goes...
00:57Greg goes...
01:00And Alan goes...
01:04All creatures in the jungle are of equal value.
01:08So, first question, where will the lion sleep tonight?
01:15Oh, no.
01:16Is this going to be a trick where they don't sleep in the night?
01:20Where they don't sleep in the jungle?
01:21You're right.
01:22Man, I am nailing this game.
01:25Because, of course, there is a famous song in the...
01:27In the jungle, the lion sleeps tonight.
01:30A whimper way.
01:30By tight fit.
01:32But by all kinds of people, actually.
01:34Mainly tight fit.
01:35But what you managed to avoid was falling into the trap that lions sleep in the jungle.
01:41Because where do lions live?
01:44Office buildings.
01:46I was going to say Luton.
01:48I don't know why.
01:50Don't they live in, like, the Veldt or something like that?
01:53The savannah.
01:54It's dry.
01:54It's certainly not jungle.
01:56You wouldn't get a lion there.
01:58And also, quite rightly, one of you said they don't sleep at night.
02:02Actually, they do sleep a bit at night.
02:03But most of their waking hours are at night.
02:06They sleep a hell of a lot.
02:08Because they're cats.
02:09And what do cats do?
02:11Sleep in the jungle.
02:12A forest.
02:15They do a lot of sleeping.
02:16That's what I'm also.
02:18They basically let big animals spend 23 hours a day eating grass.
02:24And then they kill them and eat them.
02:26Get all that nutrient that lasts them for a week.
02:28So instead of eating vegetables, you eat something that does eat vegetables.
02:31Exactly right.
02:33That's true.
02:34I feel better about my diet now.
02:36Yeah.
02:37I'm not about that.
02:38But the song, The Lion Sleeps Tonight, was the most popular song ever to come out of Africa.
02:45It was written by a man called Solomon Linder.
02:49He and the Evening Birds, as the band were called, recorded a song called Mbube, which is the Zulu word
02:54for lion.
02:55And they chanted Mbube Uyuy Mbube, Lion, you're a lion.
03:00And he was paid the princely sum of one pound.
03:05No more than that.
03:07In 1949, Pete Seeger gave it to the weavers.
03:11They made a huge hit out of it.
03:12And then it just carried on being a hit, and all kinds of people liked tight fit.
03:16Tight fit.
03:17But, more importantly, perhaps...
03:20Better than a loose fit for a band, I suppose.
03:24Yeah, Disney in 1994 incorporated it into...
03:27The Lion King.
03:28Into The Lion King.
03:28Now, it's estimated that if Solomon Linder...
03:31I'll get points.
03:31I'll get points for that.
03:32Will you?
03:33Yeah, yeah.
03:33For knowing the Lion King?
03:34Yeah, yeah.
03:36If Solomon Linder had been paid standard composite royalties, he would have earned, just from the Broadway version...
03:43Two pounds.
03:43Just from...
03:45Just from the Broadway version alone...
03:47Three pounds.
03:48Five million dollars.
03:50Ah!
03:50Just in five years.
03:52That's just five years.
03:53I got a question now.
03:54Yeah.
03:54The pound that he earned, who paid him that? Was it somebody British?
03:58No, someone South African, I fear.
04:01So what were them people doing with your money?
04:03LAUGHTER
04:06It's a good and fair question.
04:08It's not the first time that musicians, artists, composers have been exploited.
04:12But it is a pretty extreme example of it.
04:14Just from the song being used in The Lion King, the musical on Broadway...
04:18Yes, just from...
04:19He'd have made five million dollars.
04:20That shows you how much Elton John makes.
04:22That's just what I was going to say.
04:23Yeah, Elton John and Tim Price.
04:25No wonder Tim Rice is always grinning.
04:26Yeah, exactly.
04:27There's a lot of money in musicals.
04:30It is staggering, isn't it?
04:32But fortunately, there was some good that came out of it, because a South African journalist called Rian Milan brought
04:38the case to international notice.
04:40And Solomon Linder's family sued and came to a settlement.
04:44So the heirs of Solomon Linder have at least benefited from it, which is a good story.
04:49That's good, that's good.
04:51Isn't it?
04:51Nice to see that, you know, natives wouldn't exploit it again.
04:55Yeah.
04:56LAUGHTER
04:57That's a good story there.
04:58And yet...
04:59I would tell that story too.
05:00And yet we opened by saying that the whole thing was predicated on a black lie.
05:05Yeah.
05:05Lions do not sleep in the jungle.
05:07The lion sleeps tonight.
05:08Doesn't sleep at night, doesn't sleep in the jungle.
05:10He's lucky to get a pound for it the afternoon.
05:13LAUGHTER
05:14Anyway, so that's it.
05:16Now, what would be the best way for Tarzan to get around the jungle?
05:20Well...
05:21Um, without a family, I would guess.
05:24LAUGHTER
05:25LAUGHTER
05:26Without having time done.
05:28Is that Johnny Weissmuller?
05:29That's Johnny Weissmuller, who made his name as a...
05:32German Olympian.
05:33Olympic swimmer.
05:33Olympic swimmer, that's right.
05:35And that Maureen O'Sullivan, then?
05:36Yeah, that's Maureen O'Sullivan.
05:38Was the boy just called Boy?
05:40Yes, he was.
05:40The boy was called Boy, and the chimpanzee was called...
05:44Cheetah.
05:44Cheetah, yes.
05:46He gets around by swimming and swinging on...
05:49What does he swing on, Greyhorns?
05:50Lines.
06:01Oh, Alan, you wicked, wicked...
06:04That was...
06:05I feel really good tonight.
06:08I think I've finally nailed this game.
06:10LAUGHTER
06:11I didn't know you were going to use your Jedi powers on me, Davis.
06:15I came in here with every good intention, and the next thing I know, I'm providing answers to you.
06:20LAUGHTER
06:20Tazen, in the movies, does appear to swing on vines, or lianas, as they're called.
06:26But it's impossible to do so, because they grow from roots in the ground.
06:30LAUGHTER
06:30If you try to swing, you just fall straight down.
06:33LAUGHTER
06:33You might get some that are twisted into the branches, but no animal or ape conveys themselves.
06:39What about when you see, you know, gibbons and whatnot flinging through the jungle?
06:43Ah, no, that's a very different kind of action, which is racchaeation.
06:47Using their arms to move along, and gibbons do that, and are excellent at it.
06:51And as you can see, there you are.
06:53Yeah, yeah, yeah.
06:54Um, that, that, and the...
06:56Oragutang.
06:57LAUGHTER
06:59You're...
07:00Poor.
07:02You're a competitive major.
07:05I'd like to say that Alan is, um, Tarzan's chimp, because cheetahs never prosper.
07:11Hey!
07:12There you go.
07:13There you go.
07:14There you go.
07:16But Edgar Rice Burroughs, who created Tarzan, of course, he said he leaps through the trees unaided.
07:21He could drop 20 feet at a stretch from limb to limb in rapid descent to the ground,
07:26or he could gain the utmost pinnacle of the loftiest tropical giant with ease and the swiftness of a squirrel.
07:32And also, um, why would it be a vine in the middle of the jungle?
07:37Because a vine is...
07:38Grape, grape, grape, vine.
07:40Exactly.
07:40But, uh, you know, it's in the manner of, uh, of, uh, grape vines.
07:43Now, as legend has it, Tarzan, the reason he used the vine was not because of its strength
07:49or, you know, the fact that it came up out of the ground was more so because early on
07:54when he heard about his girlfriend cheating on him, it came, he heard it via one of those
07:59vines.
08:01A lot of people don't know that.
08:04I would say fewer than a handful, really.
08:06I'll judge you.
08:08Was it his friend Marvin who told him that by any time?
08:11Do you know the story to me?
08:13I know the story to me.
08:14There you go.
08:15That's why they let you know so short.
08:16You smart.
08:17Yeah, yeah, I know, yeah.
08:18Why is, if you've got a vine, and the, why is wine based on the Latin for vine, when we
08:25have a vine, wine and vine, shouldn't they be this, why isn't wine called vine?
08:28When I was taught Latin, we were taught to pronounce the V as a W. So it would be
08:33wainy, weedy, wiki, I came, I saw, I conquered, is what, what Caesar said, or Kaiser said.
08:39Yeah.
08:39Is Kaiser in German from Caesar then?
08:42Caesar, yes it is, as is Tsar.
08:44So you learn something every day.
08:46I'm not talking to you anymore.
08:48The more you say vine, the less I'm going to say vine.
08:51The Germans say vine and spell it with a W.
08:54Ah.
08:55So why is it called a Caesar salad then?
08:58It was invented by someone called Caesar, I've had a bottle of Caesar salad where it's
09:02on the label and the man who invented it on the label.
09:04Points to Alan Davis.
09:06Yeah.
09:06It was in fact a cook called Caesar Cardini.
09:09Yeah.
09:10Well done Alan.
09:11Well, I've read it on the label.
09:12Damn you're doing well.
09:13Wow, wow.
09:13Yeah.
09:16Wow, it's interesting that the two people who will be on this show every week doing the
09:20best.
09:21Yeah.
09:23You've got time to catch up with me, don't you?
09:26Yeah, yeah, yeah.
09:26I just hope for a chance.
09:27Oh yeah, there are questions coming over that will thrill you.
09:30Okay, so what do you think these monkeys are called?
09:33They're two different species.
09:36Is one a bonobo?
09:38No.
09:40Bonobos look more like chimpanzees.
09:41Aren't they the horniest animals on earth as well?
09:45Yes.
09:45Anything you put in front of a bonobo, it will shag.
09:47Yeah.
09:48It obviously doesn't matter.
09:49They are the most sexually, absolutely, I mean they-
09:52Even Russell Grant.
09:58But no, but it's really, actually lions too.
10:00I mean when lionesses are at it, they will shag up to 50 times a day.
10:03Really?
10:03It's a 10 second business with the lions.
10:06But also the lions shag each other.
10:08About 8% of all lion sex is gay.
10:118% of the lion sex is gay?
10:13Yeah.
10:14Okay.
10:16Did you get that like out of a book of lion facts?
10:19Or did you get that from a gay man?
10:23I know there is, there are a lot of people who would have us believe that only mankind is gay.
10:29In fact, there are, the latest count, about, I believe, 642 species of animal that exhibit homosexual activity.
10:38But do you know there's only one species that exhibits homophobia?
10:42And that's mankind.
10:44Oh.
10:44So who's natural?
10:45I thought you were going to say elephants then.
10:47I really hope you were going to say elephants then.
10:48I really hope you were going to say elephants then.
10:49Well.
10:50I'll come to Ardegrair.
10:51It'll be great.
10:52How did I come up with the figure 8% though?
10:54That's a lot of research.
10:56It is, isn't it?
10:57I mean I saw the lion king and I didn't see any of that going on.
11:00But I did feel the love.
11:01There you felt it.
11:03That night.
11:05Yeah.
11:05Yeah.
11:05The circle of life has a whole new meaning.
11:07It certainly does.
11:11The right face one needed some factor 50 before.
11:14Yeah.
11:15It certainly does.
11:16I can tell you they come from completely different parts of the world.
11:19What's the most noticeable thing about the one on the left?
11:21It's nose.
11:22It's nose.
11:23It's a huge nose.
11:24Can you think of another word for nose, a rather technical word?
11:27Proboscis.
11:27I can.
11:28Oh, wait.
11:29Proboscis monkey?
11:30Is the right answer.
11:31That's a proboscis monkey.
11:32There it is.
11:38The males have the longest nose.
11:40It's often going below their chin, they're so long.
11:43And the females find that very, very attractive.
11:46There we are.
11:48It's an unusual look, I grant you.
11:50It's a flaccid penis, that's all right.
11:54A human could not get its hair like that without a hairbrush or a comb.
11:58And that's a lot of profit.
12:00I mean, that's remarkable, isn't it?
12:01It is very impressive.
12:02It's a very 1950s kind of a vibe.
12:04It is.
12:05It's quite rockabilly, isn't it?
12:06Yeah, yeah.
12:07Well, they're charming animals and they live mostly in Indonesia and Southeast Asia.
12:12But what about the red-faced one?
12:13Where might that come from?
12:14That one's called a Cabeza Rojo.
12:19That would be in Spanish, which not a lot of people know here.
12:23Why would it have a Spanish name?
12:24Because it's from South America.
12:27It's the right answer.
12:29But in fact, the first one, the proboscis monkey...
12:32I'm coming up on a point, Alan.
12:34The first one, the proboscis monkey, is called Orang Balanda.
12:38Now, Orang means man, and orangutan is man of the jungle.
12:42But what this means is basically that the big-nosed one is their word for Dutchmen,
12:49who were their colonists.
12:51And they thought those monkeys looked like the colonial masters.
12:55And so they call them Dutchmen, basically.
12:58And this one is even sadder.
12:59So rude.
13:00Yeah, I know.
13:01This one is the Huacari monkey, which is South American,
13:04comes from the Peruvian Amazon and is very red-faced
13:08and is known by the locals, unfortunately, as English monkeys
13:12because they look like tourists from England.
13:15Slightly bald and red-faced.
13:19If you give them a towel, will they fight Germans for space in school?
13:23Are you people all that hairy when you take your shirts off?
13:27Oh, definitely.
13:29It's a sweet, charming, very human face, isn't it?
13:33Yeah, but in a perpetual state of embarrassment.
13:35Yes.
13:36Well, I thought at first it just was its bum.
13:40Yeah.
13:41And yet it weirdly had a bum that looked a bit like a face.
13:45But anyway, that's the Huacari monkey.
13:48Rather beautiful creature in its own way.
13:50Unfortunately, when they get to zoos, they're very lethargic and unhappy.
13:53But they're very active and very sociable in the wild.
13:57I get quite lethargic in zoos.
13:58Yeah, I know.
13:59A robin red-breast in a cage puts all heaven in a rage, as William Blake said.
14:06Anyway...
14:06Also, the ice cream is very expensive in zoos, so that's another depressing aspect.
14:10There's that too.
14:13Anyway, why don't ginger ants use soap?
14:18Because they like to feel it when they get together.
14:21Well, getting together is what it's all about.
14:24Ginger ants, also known as fire ants, live in the jungle.
14:26In the jungle, sometimes you can get huge downpours that will suddenly cause gigantic rivers to appear where none were
14:32before.
14:33And what's to stop the ants drowning?
14:36What's their strategy to keep themselves afloat?
14:39Uh, I find a bar of soap.
14:42No, the soap is the bad thing.
14:44They don't want the soap.
14:45They don't want the soap.
14:47Let's say no to soap.
14:48No soap they are, yeah.
14:50Well, I'd assume they'd climb a tree.
14:52If they could, they would, and we're going to see them climb a tree, but first they have to cross
14:56the water if they're suddenly deluged.
14:57Do they sail on little rafts?
14:59They make a raft of themselves.
15:02No.
15:02They cling together all their little bits, like this, and they make a raft like that, even carrying their eggs
15:09and their precious cargo.
15:10That's the fish underneath having a nibble at them, but they are, and they're getting towards a tree, and they're
15:14going to try and climb that tree, because then they'll be safe.
15:17But it's a really smart strategy.
15:21There they go.
15:22He's got the, the first ones up, and then all the other ones are following.
15:26Isn't that amazing?
15:28It is amazing.
15:30And they all survive.
15:31Even the ones on the bottom?
15:33Yeah.
15:33What happens is that none of the ants become submerged because of the plastron layer of air between their bodies
15:39and the water, and that's from Piestro, and the Italian from breastplate, which is rather pleasing.
15:45A turtle's underbelly is also called the plastron, and so is a man's stiff, formal shirt front.
15:52So, you could actually have...
15:56Yeah, it was a relief, wasn't it?
15:57You could actually have half a million fire ants connecting together in this way, and they can assemble themselves in
16:04less than a hundred seconds, and they can float for days, even weeks, and migrate immense distances.
16:11Isn't that interesting?
16:12That's how I came over from Dublin this morning.
16:15LAUGHTER
16:17But if you put a tiny drop of soap anywhere near it, the detergent would break the surface tension, and
16:22they would drown.
16:23But I've got an interesting experiment, and I do love, as you know, to do an interesting experiment.
16:27He does love an experiment.
16:28These will represent red ants, and this is just... I just find this magical.
16:35And it's something you can do at home, ladies and gentlemen. This is what's fun about it, and...
16:39Will we form an island and swim across the jar of water?
16:42LAUGHTER
16:42No, this is red-coloured sand, and it's floating on the top.
16:46You'll notice, wherever I drop it, it tends to start clinging together.
16:50So you've got, here's your little raft of red ants, ooh, there they are, in the water.
16:55And I can put my finger in it like that, and my finger will come out completely dry.
17:01Absolutely dry.
17:02Holy cow.
17:02Yep, there you are, there you are.
17:04And I've got no sand on my finger at all.
17:06And it just... but...
17:08Are you a devil?
17:10LAUGHTER
17:10Watch this. This will excite you.
17:13I'm gonna pour all this in here.
17:14Blue ants are attacking red ants.
17:15Oh, my goodness.
17:16Yeah, all these blue ants, yes, it's just horrible.
17:18And look at that, it's all clustered down below.
17:20But this is the magic part.
17:22I get my spoon, and I get all the sand that's under water now,
17:25and I just pick up a little bit of it like so.
17:29And it's completely dry.
17:30No way!
17:31It's utterly dry.
17:32Witchcraft!
17:33Sorcery!
17:34Done him!
17:35It's completely dry.
17:36Wait!
17:36There it is, look, there it is.
17:38It's utterly dry, even though there are drops of water next to it.
17:41Isn't that magical?
17:42That really is.
17:42That's just sand and water?
17:44Well, I can tell you, it's the special nature of the sand.
17:47It's been, as it were, coated.
17:49And without wishing to give away the name of a brand of spray that you are encouraged,
17:57when you buy suede shoes, to use to protect your suede shoes, that might be called something
18:03that rhymed with gotch-scarred.
18:08And if you wanted to try this experiment at home, you would get a can of that gotch-scarred,
18:15and spray the sand with it, and you will be able to amaze your friends, if, but only if,
18:21you're as sad as I am.
18:23And there you are.
18:25Hooray!
18:33The fun you can have with things.
18:35It is.
18:36It's nice.
18:36It's good.
18:37Very fun.
18:38Exactly.
18:39Well, anyway.
18:39What goes at 40 miles an hour and smells of curry?
18:43Oh, no.
18:45Yay.
18:47Usain Bolt-y.
19:00I have to say that's impressive.
19:05I have to give you points for that, it's just too good.
19:09I will give you this clue.
19:11An astonishing number of animals in the wild smell of other things, and there is an animal
19:17that smells of curry, and there's no reason for it to, because it doesn't live in India,
19:21it doesn't eat chillies.
19:22But 40 miles an hour is pretty quick.
19:24That's the thing.
19:25Yeah.
19:25It's the fastest of its species, and it's a signature species for a whole nation,
19:29a whole continent.
19:30The ostrich goes about 40 miles an hour.
19:32It does, but this is not a bird.
19:35The kangaroo?
19:35Yes.
19:36It's the western grey kangaroo, the fastest of all the kangaroos.
19:41And amazingly...
19:42It smells of curry.
19:43Ah, jeez, it smells of a curry.
19:45Smell that, mate.
19:47That's just...
19:48An Australian who's had a curry the night before, done a particularly stinky fart,
19:52and then tried to blame it on a passing kangaroo.
19:58Ah, that kangaroo.
19:59See that kangaroo go by there?
20:01Jeez, what a stink.
20:03It's like a curry.
20:06Anyway, that's one animal that smells unusual.
20:09You're not going to get this next one because it's such an unusual animal,
20:12but it's rather pleasing to think that the binturong smells like a freshly made batch of popcorn.
20:19It's also called a bear cat, but it's actually more like a civet than either a bear or a cat.
20:24But apparently it smells of freshly baked popcorn.
20:28Isn't that a lovely thing for an animal to smell of?
20:29Is it slightly overpriced?
20:33It's a meaty one almost exactly the same price as a large one.
20:37It doesn't smell like salted or sugar popcorn.
20:40Ah, now there's a good question.
20:42Yeah, yeah.
20:42Their birth is apparently fascinating because originally they're just in a tiny, tiny egg,
20:47and then on a very hot day suddenly just pop into the air.
20:51I'm going to show you another animal.
20:53It's a common blue butterfly, but has been described by the famous Netflix, Jeffrey Grigson, as having a particular smell.
21:01Finger fudge.
21:03Yes!
21:04What?
21:09Unbelievable.
21:12Un-loudly.
21:14I mean, I've got to accept that because the answer is chocolate.
21:18Wow.
21:19That is amazing.
21:22How did you do it?
21:23Yeah, you two have developed some bizarre understanding.
21:28Yeah, man.
21:28How does a man be on this show every week come up with all the answers?
21:31I don't know.
21:34He's having a spurt.
21:36Like an adolescent having a growth spurt.
21:39He's having a brain spurt.
21:41It's very impressive.
21:42See?
21:43Sorry, my father.
21:45Sorry.
21:46Talking about having a spurt is not what I meant to be doing.
21:50The chocolate is ground-up butterflies.
21:53Well, no.
21:56It just so happens that that species, according to Jeffrey Grigson, smells of chocolate.
22:02Well, there you are.
22:03I'm staggered by Alan's knowledge here.
22:06Now, as long as we're in the jungle, let's have a dubious jungle theory.
22:11A dubious theory from Stephen Fry.
22:15Oh, dear.
22:16At least 10% of the Amazonian rainforest was deliberately created by human activity over a period of 1,500
22:24years, more than 1,000 years ago.
22:26It's an enormous orchard, twice the area of Great Britain.
22:30Dubious or not, look at the evidence on jungleshmungle.co.uk and decide for yourself.
22:37A dubious theory from Stephen Fry.
22:41This is a genuine theory.
22:43Can you understand that the idea that the Amazon, that we think of as the wildest place on Earth, might
22:47actually have been...
22:48A lot of it might be the...
22:49But is there a large part of it, then, that bears fruit, that we would consume?
22:54Not only that, there is real evidence that a large part, certainly not the majority, but a large part of
23:02it, is composed of soil that is of human origin, called terra preta, which is black earth in Portuguese.
23:09It contains charcoal, bone, manure, and pottery, and can only be humanly produced as a soil.
23:16For growing, it was created deliberately over 1,500 years, rich in nutrients that last thousands of years.
23:23BBC Four made a program about it called Unnatural Histories, arguing that an advanced civilization of five to six million
23:30people flourished along the Amazon in the 1540s,
23:34and then diseases brought by the Spanish, such as smallpox and flu, wiped out up to 95% of the
23:40population.
23:41And by the 18th century, the rainforest was empty.
23:43They left no buildings, and only the soil behind.
23:47It's an extraordinary thought, isn't it?
23:48And they left Amazon.co.uk?
23:51They did use that, thank goodness.
23:53They say in North America as well, they always lowball the amount of Indians who were there.
23:58But the point is, after the Spanish came the first time, because they travelled with their pigs, they had every
24:04manner of pig-borne disease.
24:05And when they came back a hundred years later, they had wiped, everyone was dead.
24:09There was maybe a quarter of the population that they had been.
24:11So, I don't think it's strange at all that that would have happened.
24:14And because they didn't leave buildings, we don't, you know, give them any credit.
24:18Exactly.
24:18Except that they left an enormous forest, which makes the planet breathe.
24:21I know.
24:22And indeed developed a type of soil that is still amongst the most fertile and useful sort of soil there
24:27is on Earth.
24:28Which is remarkable.
24:30Not amusing, but true.
24:32Um, rather like my bottom.
24:39I don't know how that happened.
24:40So you're saying true like, your bottom will always be there.
24:45Yeah.
24:45Like it's true.
24:46Your bottom is true.
24:47It is a bottom of truth.
24:48Okay, all right, man.
24:49That's a bold statement to make about yourself on national TV.
24:54It's the measure of bottoms.
24:56It's the first bottom, and now the bottoms are compared always to that bottom.
25:00That's right.
25:00That's why it's known as the true bottom.
25:02Or the R severity.
25:05Very fertile.
25:07Whoa.
25:09Okay.
25:10Let's just move away.
25:13He started it.
25:14I did.
25:15I just painted myself into a corner.
25:17I don't know how I managed that.
25:19All right, so moving on.
25:21Describe the world's most hideous lunch.
25:23There's a pretty rotten fruit you can get in Indonesia that stinks.
25:27Well, the durian fruit you're thinking of.
25:29Yes.
25:29It's actually delicious, but...
25:30Smells like rotting flesh.
25:32Yeah.
25:32This is actually an animal thing.
25:34It's just one of those cruel tricks of nature.
25:37You know?
25:38That certain species find ways of eating other species that are cunning and cruel.
25:44It's not going to be a burrowing parasite thing, is it?
25:46Well, it's sort of...
25:47In your...
25:48In your Jap's eye.
25:49Oh!
25:51Or in your eye, even.
25:52Think of a little innocent frog.
25:54A frog sees a larva, a little bug of some kind.
25:58It will dart its tongue out.
25:59There you go.
26:00There's the big frog, and there's the little larva.
26:02And the frog's going to win.
26:04The frog's going to poke its tongue out, and it's going to eat.
26:06It's not that small a larva.
26:08I agree.
26:08I still think that's quite an ambitious meal for that frog to take.
26:12One of two things happens.
26:13One is the larva will simply attack the frog, latch itself with its quite strong horns,
26:19which you might just be able to discern in the picture.
26:22That's what I would do.
26:22Onto the back.
26:23I would do that.
26:24And then just eat it from the inside out.
26:26Yeah, that's exactly what I would do.
26:27Until there's nothing left in a few hours but a pile of bones.
26:30It would just simply...
26:31Really?
26:31One larvae?
26:32Yeah.
26:32But if it so happens the frog is really quick and gets the larvae into its stomach,
26:38it will then, an hour later, regurgitate it and the larvae will still be alive and will then eat.
26:45Holy cow.
26:45So it will be eaten and then eat the thing that ate it, which is pretty unusual in the world
26:51of nature.
26:52So you can have your frog and eat it?
26:54You can.
26:55Exactly.
26:56It's a pretty unpleasant process.
26:59It makes you wonder about all things bright and beautiful.
27:02But we have no footage.
27:04Do we have footage?
27:05We have footage of a frog.
27:06Oh, no!
27:06Don't eat the...
27:08Don't eat that lava!
27:09No.
27:10Oh.
27:11Two hours later.
27:12Oh!
27:13I don't feel so good.
27:14Oh!
27:15Having a vomit.
27:16And out...
27:16It's pulling out of its own mouth the thing that is then going to eat it.
27:21Oh.
27:23It's just so...
27:24Oh, it's just being eaten.
27:26It's eating its chin.
27:27It's basically just...
27:28He was a prince as well.
27:30I know.
27:32It's really not a nice relationship.
27:35And there they are.
27:36Poor frog.
27:37Wait a minute.
27:37I didn't see the end.
27:39Who won?
27:41It looked pretty intense, but it looked like it could go either way, really.
27:43Yeah, I mean...
27:44To be honest, we were too tasteful to show you the outcome.
27:47It was horrible.
27:47Too tasteful.
27:48They shake hands and they say, well, we both learned a valuable lesson here.
27:53It's called the epomis beetle larvae and about 10% of predator-prey relationships are where a smaller animal can
28:01eat a bigger one.
28:02But those are all active attacks.
28:04This is the luring technique.
28:06It actually waves and says, eat me, eat me.
28:09It actually draws attention to itself so that the frog approaches it and eats it.
28:14Did you know that 8% of predator-prey relationships are homosexual?
28:19A lot of people don't know that.
28:21But while on the subject of frogs, what's this little frog doing?
28:25What's this chap up to?
28:28Wow.
28:29It's practicing first position?
28:31No.
28:32What's going on in the background?
28:33He's trying to build up his nerve into jumping in that gushing stream.
28:37He's just going, ah, I can do this.
28:39He's facing the other way.
28:40Ah, I can do this.
28:41Is he fishing?
28:42Is he catching things in his web?
28:45No.
28:46I was thinking maybe there was a plane load of frogs trying to land.
28:58Well, you know, air traffic control the frog.
29:01Yeah, air traffic control the frog.
29:02What is it about the background?
29:05Running water.
29:07Water stream.
29:08What does that create?
29:10If you've got a waterfall behind you.
29:12How do you communicate with your neighbour?
29:15How do you shout?
29:16Sign language.
29:17Yes.
29:18No.
29:19Semaphore.
29:20Really?
29:20It's the semaphore frog.
29:22Because it lives by waterfalls and cataracts and so little won't get heard.
29:28So that's how it communicates.
29:30Basically it's saying to other males, this is my territory, keep away.
29:34Or it's saying to girls, here I am.
29:36Unless it's 8% of course.
29:40It is a wonderful sight.
29:42It solved the problem of the fact that it can't vocalise because it lives in a noisy environment.
29:47There are other ways of attracting mates which are unusual.
29:53Yes?
29:54The internet.
29:59If only you'd said what you often call the internet.
30:01What do you sometimes call it?
30:02The interweb.
30:03Yes.
30:04Web spiders.
30:05Spiders, yes.
30:06Spiders make webs to catch prey so they can eat, survive, and thrive.
30:10But there's a particular breed of spider.
30:13They ejaculate into a pad of webbing and transfer the sperm-laden pad to their palps, which
30:21are like their antennae.
30:22And then they wave them around to attract the female.
30:24I've got some sperm here.
30:27I've got some sperm for you.
30:29Oh, God.
30:30I used to do that to my girlfriend.
30:36I mean...
30:37Why am I not surprised by the word X in there?
30:41Yeah, I mean, she just wanted to have a baby so bad.
30:43It was just really easy to get her excited like that.
30:45I've got some sperm!
30:46And she'd come running and I'd be like, I'm just kidding, I'm just kidding.
30:49You're probably each well out of it.
30:52Yeah, yeah, yeah.
30:52She's the better for it.
30:53I mean, in fact, I take pride in believing that I helped up a pair.
30:57And think what you're saving on triple-ply tissues.
31:00There you are.
31:03In some weird English way I feel dealt with.
31:10By the way, the credit for the videotape, that extraordinary frog waving its hands, belongs
31:17to the School of Environment and Life Sciences at the University of Salford.
31:21Thank you, University of Salford.
31:23Anyway, Alan, what I'd like you to do is press your buzzer.
31:29It's not a trap.
31:30I just want you...
31:30It's going to be a trap.
31:31Yeah, press your buzzer.
31:34What are those, and how do they make that noise?
31:37Now, this could be one of two things.
31:40Right.
31:41It's the one that makes the noise by inflating its thorax.
31:44Ooh.
31:45And the one that makes the noise by rubbing its back legs together.
31:52So, I think it was the first one.
31:58There is actually no insect that makes a noise by rubbing its back legs together.
32:04It is...
32:04But do you know what the animal was, in fact?
32:07It's a cicada.
32:08Well, it's a cricket, in fact.
32:09It's been known, actually, for thousands of years that crickets don't chirp by rubbing their legs together.
32:14So, where did that come from, then?
32:15It's just one of those weird fallacies that people cling to.
32:19I've clung to fallacies, and it's a...
32:22It's a thing...
32:24It's a weird fallacy.
32:26This is all...
32:27He said it's a weird fallacy that people cling to.
32:30He said that.
32:31He said fallacies.
32:33That means many fallacies.
32:35Yeah, yeah, thank you.
32:38Rubbing body...
32:39Oh, God, it's getting worse.
32:40Sorry.
32:41Rubbing body parts to make sound is called stridulation.
32:45And crickets have a large vein along the bottom of each wing, covered with comb-like teeth.
32:51The chirp comes from the scraping on the top of one wing over the bottom of the other.
32:57Nothing to do with legs.
32:58It's their wings together, not their legs.
32:59So, it's their wings, not their legs.
33:00And only male crickets chirp.
33:02The females don't.
33:04Four songs.
33:05One, to attract a female.
33:06Two, to court a nearby female.
33:08Three, to warn off another male.
33:10And four, to celebrate a successful mating session.
33:13Really?
33:15Four.
33:16Four, to say to the female, why don't you say something?
33:19Yes, quite.
33:20Basically, it's like they're high-fiving themselves.
33:22Yes.
33:24Yes, success.
33:26I would just order pizza.
33:29That's what we tend to do, but they just high-five themselves, as you say.
33:33But this, listen to this, this is the most extraordinary cricket of all.
33:37It's the snowy tree cricket.
33:40And if you count the times, because they're very susceptible to temperature, if you count the times they chirp in
33:4814 seconds and add 40, you will get the temperature in Fahrenheit.
33:54No way.
33:55Shut up.
33:56Yes way.
33:56Absolute way.
33:57I know it sounds mad, it's from the 1897 masterpiece by Amos Dolbear, The Cricket as a Thermometer.
34:09I'd still prefer a thermometer up my bum if I was in hospital.
34:19Amazing, isn't it?
34:21Dolbear's Law, now you know.
34:22Anyway, what lives underwater and is the loudest animal in the world for its size?
34:29It proves.
34:31Oprah.
34:34Good answer, but untrue.
34:36Is it going to be a blue whale?
34:38Oh!
34:39You and your blue whale, you were doing so well.
34:43No, it's the largest in relation to its size.
34:45The noise it makes is quite astounding.
34:48When I tell you that its size is two millimetres, and it creates a sound of over 99 decibels, which
34:56is like a freight train passing by.
34:58It's an incredibly loud noise, and it's a little lake creature actually.
35:03Do you know those things that almost seem to walk on water, do you remember what they're called?
35:07Our Lord.
35:16You could call this the Jesus insect if you wanted.
35:19It's a water boatman.
35:21The water boatman is a beautiful little creature, and it uses the surface tension of the water, there you see,
35:25to walk along the water.
35:27That's a pond skater, of course.
35:29So, unlike a blue whale in almost every respect.
35:34The noise it gives out is like a passing freight train.
35:37We have a theory how they produce it, and we'd like you to try out our theory.
35:42They use their penises against their tummies.
35:45Pean eye.
35:47Pean eye, if you like.
35:48Penises, if you wanted to speak in English.
35:52By all means, pean eye, if you like.
35:54They rub their penises on their tummy, and somehow create a noise of 99.2 decibels.
36:01But that's just a theory, though, right?
36:02Yep.
36:03Because I put my penis against my belly, it don't make no noise.
36:06You really whack it, though.
36:08If you...
36:10Steady.
36:11Steady.
36:12It depends on if I have to get up in a hurry.
36:14Like, if I got a...
36:16Imagine that it's a penis.
36:18All right?
36:20Just pass that to Greg.
36:23You know, imagining is not helping, but all right.
36:27Obviously, there's yours, Alan.
36:28Um...
36:31Um...
36:32No...
36:35You can have a normal one.
36:37Now, um, this is quite complicated, but you should have a little bowl of rosin,
36:40as in the kind of stuff that ballet dancers use to keep their shoes from sliding on the stage,
36:45and string players use for their bows.
36:48Ordinary rosin.
36:49Oh, very good.
36:51Listen to that noise.
36:52Keep doing that.
36:57You're rubbing, you're trying to...
36:59It gets surprisingly loud, doesn't it?
37:03And I...
37:06Oh, God, yes!
37:11I don't seem to be attracting any boatmen or women.
37:15I'm not getting 99 decibels.
37:18There, you see that?
37:20This is still louder, though.
37:23Oh, God.
37:27Is that yours?
37:29Well, isn't that surprising?
37:30Wow!
37:32Ah!
37:34Ah!
37:35Ah!
37:37It's like Mars attacks.
37:39Yeah.
37:39Our brains will explode.
37:42Solo.
37:43Alan's very good at it, isn't he?
37:45How have you given him a wand?
37:47Is that a wand?
37:54It's...
37:54It's so...
37:55Wow.
37:56It's a...
37:57It's a very interesting thing.
37:58You've popped your little ones down there.
38:00Yeah.
38:01It is surprising.
38:03How...
38:06How loud...
38:07How loud it can be.
38:08No females have approached, Stephen.
38:10It's funny if you do it under the table.
38:12No, no, no.
38:17Miss, Miss, Alan's doing it again.
38:23You're very good at it.
38:25Alan, you have a natural talent at last.
38:28And he's doing that with his penis.
38:31He put the rod down hours ago.
38:35It's back to his 99 decibels.
38:37About 90% of it is lost under water, but you can still hear it above the water, because it's
38:41so loud.
38:42So how loud is a blue whale?
38:44Oh, it's loud.
38:46The blue whale is capable of 188 decibels.
38:49Ah!
38:49Which is a lot more, but it's...
38:51Way more!
38:51But...
38:52And his cock is enormous!
38:54Yes.
38:55But we were talking about proportionality.
38:58If it was able to rub its cock on its belly, it would be deafening!
39:03It can't, you see?
39:04It can't...
39:05That's why nature provides.
39:07Yeah, that's right.
39:08Because if they could get access to their enormous penis, they would deafen the oceans!
39:13So, the water boatman makes a big noise with its mighty stridulating penis.
39:19Anyway, throughout the show tonight, there's been a species of striped animal in full view here in the studio.
39:28Let me know when you see it.
39:30But there is a striped animal somewhere in the studio in full view.
39:34Uh, are people stripy?
39:37Yes!
39:37Really?
39:38All human beings have stripes, very regular stripes, on their skin.
39:43They were discovered in 1901 by a dermatologist, and they're called Blaschko lines.
39:49He stood at 140 patients who had a particular kind of skin disease, and he drew up the map that
39:54showed, followed the exact lines.
39:56They just don't show unless you have that particular condition.
39:59It's almost like camouflage if we lived in pasta.
40:03Yeah!
40:04It would be!
40:06And maybe that's how it evolved.
40:08But in the cases of animals that are obviously striped, like zebras, uh...
40:13And tigers.
40:13Is a zebra, for example, is a zebra white...
40:16Wanna point for that?
40:17Yeah.
40:17Oh yeah.
40:17Is a zebra white with black stripes or black with white stripes?
40:21Which?
40:23It's black...
40:24What do you think, right?
40:27You're gonna blame me, Alan.
40:29I think one, they smell like chocolate, so I'd say chocolate.
40:32I would say they are black with white lines.
40:36That's what I would say.
40:36No, they're white with black stripes.
40:38Well, you would say that, wouldn't you, white?
40:45But they have black noses.
40:47They do have black noses.
40:48That's ridiculous.
40:49That's the stupidest thing I've ever heard.
40:51I'm not playing anymore.
40:52I'm furious.
40:53It was discovered in...
40:55No, no.
40:58We don't throw our toys out of the pram.
41:01Humans are not only striped incidentally, we're also bioluminescent.
41:05We give off light.
41:07And this, again, was a recent discovery, a Japanese discovery.
41:09In 2009, they photographed the faint glow of human bioluminescence for the first time.
41:16It's a thousand times weaker than our eyes can detect, unfortunately.
41:20But it is there.
41:21We do give off a small amount of light.
41:23It's a shame he's got his pants on, because I'd like to see how luminous he looks.
41:28You must get yourself a job in one of those body scanning units at Heathrow.
41:33And you'll have the most amusing time looking at people's willies as they walk through.
41:40The green bit is a mystery.
41:42I don't know whether that is the photograph and the sensitivity of the camera is such that...
41:47That's bio-Hulk in essence.
41:50That's the credible Hulk who was slightly different.
41:55I like the credible Hulk.
41:56Yeah.
41:56He's a Hulk, but I believe him.
41:59He's vaguely orange.
42:01Yeah, he goes a little bit green and slightly peeved.
42:03Yeah.
42:05I would watch the credible Hulk.
42:07But anyway, there you are.
42:09I think it's time for the final scores.
42:12I'm sorry to say that in last place with minus ten is Alan Davies.
42:23Just behind with minus eight is Greg Proops.
42:30Then with minus six is David O'Doherty.
42:39With one plus point, Reginald D. Hunter.
42:47Well done.
42:56That's all from David, Reginald, Greg, Alan and me.
42:59Remember, snakes are more afraid of you than you are of them.
43:03Unfortunately, this is not true of mosquitoes, spiders, bears or tigers.
43:07But don't have nightmares.
43:09Good night.
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