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00:00:00India, 1895, the most precious gem in the far-flung belly of the great British Empire.
00:00:07Here the British rulers and their mensahds enjoyed a life of luxury and ease,
00:00:11matched only by that of the Indian Rajas.
00:00:14None more so than Her Majesty's Governor of the Northwest Frontier Province, Sir Sidney Rough Diamond.
00:00:23For them, it was a rich life.
00:00:25An endless round of receptions, balls, ceremonial processions, tiger shoots, and, of course, polo.
00:00:40And who are we playing today, Major Shorthouse?
00:00:43Calabar Ravers, Your Excellency.
00:00:44Oh, Toppo, Toppo.
00:00:48Oops.
00:00:50Pardon?
00:00:55Who's the turban job on the throne?
00:00:57You mean the Qazi.
00:01:01That's Randy Lal.
00:01:03Who?
00:01:04Randy Lal, the Qazi of Calabar.
00:01:08Oh.
00:01:09How do you know he is, then?
00:01:12How do I know he's what?
00:01:13Randy.
00:01:16That's his name.
00:01:18Oh.
00:01:19He's very good-looking, isn't he?
00:01:21Yeah, some of the richest and most powerful roger in northern India, that's all.
00:01:25He's smiling at us.
00:01:27Smile back.
00:01:28Kiwi!
00:01:30You don't have to go raving mad.
00:01:33My father, who are those people?
00:01:36That light of my darkness is Sir Sidney Rough Diamond,
00:01:40the British governor,
00:01:42whose benevolent rule and wise guidance we could well do without.
00:01:47Oh, I say, he's a charming man, isn't he?
00:01:51Yeah.
00:01:52I wouldn't trust him an inch.
00:01:54Neither would I.
00:01:55I didn't mean that.
00:01:57You don't like this man, my father?
00:01:59Light of my darkness,
00:02:00there is no mountain in all India high enough from which to adequately show my contempt of him.
00:02:06Well, why do you smile at him so favorably?
00:02:09Because in these days of British military supremacy,
00:02:11the Indian must be as a basket with two faces.
00:02:18I'll tell you something,
00:02:20he'd like to massacre me and every other Britisher in India.
00:02:22Well, then what do you keep smiling at him like that for, then?
00:02:25Because it's a top-ranked British diplomatist.
00:02:28I'm as two-faced as he is.
00:02:35There, sir.
00:02:36Well played, Philip.
00:02:38You'll go far, that boy,
00:02:39if he makes the right marriage.
00:02:42Oh, I say, he did not off-crack that one, did he not?
00:02:45Yes, if you can't express yourself in more elegant terms,
00:02:49kindly shut your cagol.
00:02:52And so the British carried on with their carefree life,
00:02:55little knowing that high in the snow-capped mountains to the north,
00:02:58the spark was soon to be lit that would set Calabar ablaze.
00:03:01Here was the famous Khyber Pass,
00:03:04the gateway to India.
00:03:06This was a vital key point,
00:03:08guarded night and day by a detachment of the celebrated Highland Regiment,
00:03:11the 3rd Foot and Muff.
00:03:13Fearless fighting men,
00:03:15aptly referred to by the natives as the Devils in Skirts.
00:03:19Pirate Widow!
00:03:20Oh! I didn't matter!
00:03:22Private Widow,
00:03:23I know you're an ignorant nana,
00:03:26but when you are ordered to attention,
00:03:28you are courteously requested to stop shuffling your flaming feet about!
00:03:33I was only trying to keep warm.
00:03:35Oh, so you're cold, are you?
00:03:37Perishing.
00:03:38The way the wind whistles up the pass.
00:03:41I'm sorry to hear that, Widow.
00:03:43Maybe you'd like me to get you a hot water bottle.
00:03:45Oh, how very kind.
00:03:47As a matter of fact, I already have one.
00:03:49And what, may I ask, is that thing doing in there?
00:03:54It keeps my dangler warm.
00:03:56Give me the air!
00:03:58For the last time, stop calling it a dangler!
00:04:01It's a spawn!
00:04:03Yes, Sergeant Bater, sorry.
00:04:05Look at you, Widow.
00:04:07A devil in skirts.
00:04:09You look more like an angel in pond.
00:04:13Pirates!
00:04:14You're not much better, any of you!
00:04:16I've seen better equipped men guarding a harem!
00:04:20That's not funny, Widow!
00:04:23You're a disgrace to the regiment.
00:04:25I didn't ask to be a devil in skirts.
00:04:27Maybe you're right, Widow.
00:04:29You're too good for the likes of us.
00:04:32You deserve a bit extra.
00:04:34Oh, do you really mean that?
00:04:36Yes.
00:04:37And we'll start off with four hours extra guard duty!
00:04:57Oi, Bundigdeen.
00:04:58There is a guard.
00:05:00We cannot go through.
00:05:01Only one man, Stingy.
00:05:03Oh, one devil in skirts is enough.
00:05:05You know they are invincible.
00:05:07If we fight, maybe.
00:05:08But there is always bribery.
00:05:11What have we got to bribe them, Widow?
00:05:13Don't you know what British soldiers are always looking for abroad?
00:05:17Yes, but where are we going to get a bint up here?
00:05:20No, no, no, no, no.
00:05:21Souvenirs.
00:05:23I'll offer him my weapon.
00:05:25If he'll let me go through.
00:05:35Oh, who goes?
00:05:36Who goes?
00:05:37Um, oh, what's the word?
00:05:40There.
00:05:40Oh, thank you.
00:05:41Who goes, sir?
00:05:41I go there.
00:05:42Very good friend.
00:05:44Oh, advanced friend.
00:05:45And give the password.
00:05:45With pleasure, sir.
00:05:46What is password, please?
00:05:48Palm granite.
00:05:48Very good.
00:05:49Pass friend.
00:05:51Hey, just a minute.
00:05:52You're supposed to give it, not me.
00:05:54Oh, I'm sorry, sir.
00:05:56I'm just stupid, ignorant bird paw.
00:05:58Oh, no, you don't.
00:05:59Stay where you are.
00:05:59I've got you covered.
00:06:00Oh, just a minute.
00:06:02Covered.
00:06:03Oh, no, no, no, sir.
00:06:04No need for antagonism.
00:06:05I have a present for you here.
00:06:07Oh.
00:06:09Very good Indian scimitar.
00:06:11Can cut men in two with one stroke.
00:06:16What did I do?
00:06:20All you want?
00:06:27Now we know.
00:06:32You speak truly?
00:06:34The devil actually wore this garment beneath his skirts?
00:06:38I swear it, heinous.
00:06:39Did I not remove it with my own hands?
00:06:41You did well, bunged it in.
00:06:43It was not difficult, heinous.
00:06:45It was only held up with a piece of elastic.
00:06:48No, no, no, no, my beautiful warrior.
00:06:51I mean, you did well to discover it.
00:06:54For many, many years now, they have led us to believe
00:06:57that the devils wore nothing beneath their skirts,
00:07:01and we have feared them according.
00:07:03But now...
00:07:05I do not understand, my father.
00:07:07Well, what is there to fear from a warrior
00:07:09who wears nothing underneath his skirt?
00:07:11Oh, my child, you have not made war,
00:07:13but think how frightening it would be
00:07:16to have such a man charging at you
00:07:19with his skirts flying in the air
00:07:21and flashing his great big bayonet at you.
00:07:25It is true, but who can be afraid of men
00:07:28who wear such a ridiculous thing beneath their skirts?
00:07:31Precisely.
00:07:32And when our people learn of this,
00:07:34they will rise up and drive the British out of Calabar.
00:08:02Let's go!
00:08:03Head kid in hand! Give name, rank and number! Private Whittle, J. 36360.
00:08:11Sir! Sir! Well now, what's the charge, Sergeant Major?
00:08:15Gross dereliction of duty resulting in loss of government property, sir!
00:08:19What government property? Underpants, woolen, privates for the use of. One, sir!
00:08:24How did he manage that? Where were they? I regret to report they were on his person, sir.
00:08:30What? You mean to say he was actually wearing them?
00:08:33Yes, sir. About his lower person, sir.
00:08:37Good cat. How could you whittle?
00:08:40I felt the cold, sir.
00:08:42That's no excuse, man. The third foot and mouth never wear anything under the kilt.
00:08:47It's part of our glorious tradition. Look at our motto.
00:08:51Always ready for action.
00:08:53But if we're not allowed to wear them, why do they bother to issue them?
00:08:56There are two specific occasions when the wearing of underpants is permissible, Whittle.
00:09:00One, church parade. Two, gymnastic display.
00:09:04And only then when there are to be ladies present.
00:09:07Really, Whittle, you shock me.
00:09:10Wearing them is bad enough.
00:09:12But losing them?
00:09:13Uh, beg pardon, sir. I didn't exactly lose them.
00:09:16They were ripped off.
00:09:18Ripped off? By whom?
00:09:19I didn't catch his name.
00:09:21Uh, but he was a huge burper.
00:09:23You mean to say a native knows that you were wearing underpants?
00:09:26Oh, Gerd, this is more serious than I thought.
00:09:28We must see His Excellency right away.
00:09:30Follow me.
00:09:30Hey, get on!
00:09:32Relieve!
00:09:32Time!
00:09:33Free!
00:09:33March!
00:09:42Major Shorthouse.
00:09:43Yes?
00:09:43I must see the governor right away.
00:09:45I can't disturb him now, Captain Keeney. He's with a mensile having a bit of tiffin.
00:09:48Oh, that is awkward.
00:09:50However, it is a matter of the utmost urgency.
00:09:52Well, I'll, uh, see if they've finished.
00:09:59You can't come in?
00:10:00Certainly not, sir, but Captain Keene's here to see you on a matter of the utmost urgency.
00:10:04Oh, all right. Just a minute.
00:10:07Just coming.
00:10:10Now, what is it?
00:10:11You know how I hate being interrupted in mid-tiffin.
00:10:14I know, sir. I'm terribly sorry.
00:10:15Well, it's all very well.
00:10:16But it's not often the man and I get the chance these days.
00:10:18I mean, when we were in Calcutta, we had it twice a day, together, regularly.
00:10:22I'm afraid it's my fault, Your Excellency.
00:10:25All right. I expect you'll keep it warm.
00:10:26What is it that's so urgent?
00:10:27Your Excellency, I regret to report there's been an incident at the pass.
00:10:31There's always incidents at passes.
00:10:33You've only got to make a pass and you're in trouble.
00:10:36I'm afraid this was no ordinary incident, sir.
00:10:39If you just listen to Private Widdle's story...
00:10:41All right, all right. Make it quick.
00:10:43All right.
00:10:44Sergeant Major.
00:10:45Private Widdle!
00:10:46Four pieces for that!
00:10:47I'm out!
00:10:48Right!
00:10:49Right!
00:10:49Hold!
00:10:51Left top!
00:10:53Head gear in hand!
00:10:55Face!
00:10:57Story!
00:10:58From the beginning, begin!
00:11:00All right, go!
00:11:01Blimey!
00:11:02Don't have to make a full-scale tattoo out of it.
00:11:04All right. Get on with it. Whiddle in.
00:11:07Um...
00:11:07Whiddle, sir.
00:11:08All right. Whiddle, then.
00:11:09But get on with it.
00:11:10Well, sir, I was on guard duty up the pass when this huge burper suddenly appeared in front of me
00:11:16and pulled it out.
00:11:18Pulled what out?
00:11:18His, um, sword thing.
00:11:21Oh!
00:11:23Go on, then.
00:11:24Well, sir, the next thing I remember is coming to, lying on the ground, and they were off.
00:11:28They were?
00:11:31Blimey, that's rough.
00:11:32He means his underpants were off, sir.
00:11:34Quite.
00:11:35Underpants? But you fellas don't wear them.
00:11:36No, sir.
00:11:37But Private Widdle did.
00:11:40If the natives ever get to hear of this, sir, it will completely destroy our reputation for toughness.
00:11:45He's right, sir, you know.
00:11:46A little thing like this could start off a full-scale rebellion.
00:11:48Oh, hardly, Shorthouse.
00:11:49The massacre of thousands of innocent people.
00:11:51Oh, please, really.
00:11:52The end of British rule in India.
00:11:53Oh, rubbish, Shorthouse.
00:11:54And the finish of a cushy job for you.
00:11:55You're quite right.
00:11:56We'll have to do something.
00:11:57Sir, our only hope now is to try and scotch the rumour before it spreads too far.
00:12:02You're right.
00:12:04Absolutely right.
00:12:05I will go and see the cushy personally.
00:12:07This calls for a spot of top-level diplomatic bluff.
00:12:09The sort of thing that made our empire what it is.
00:12:11We are not called John Poole for nothing.
00:12:14Well, thank goodness for that.
00:12:15Now perhaps we can finish out tiffing.
00:12:16Later.
00:12:17I've got something very important to do.
00:12:18What?
00:12:19I've got to go to the cushy.
00:12:20Well, you should have gone before tiffing, you know.
00:12:22It's very bad.
00:12:22The cushy of Calabar.
00:12:24Oh.
00:12:24Oh.
00:12:25Oh.
00:12:26Can I come too?
00:12:27Can you come too?
00:12:28Haven't we got enough trouble without you coming along, opening your big mouth and shoving
00:12:31your flat foot in it?
00:12:32Oh, well, that's very nice.
00:12:33It never occurs to you that I might be able to help in these matters.
00:12:35Help?
00:12:36How?
00:12:36I have heard that the Calabar is very susceptible to beautiful women.
00:12:39Yes.
00:12:40Well, so am I.
00:12:40Look what I finished up with.
00:12:42Oh, very funny.
00:12:43You may not realize it, Sidney Rough Diamond, but there are hidden fires in me.
00:12:48Hidden fires?
00:12:48There might have been once, but now you're just bung full of clinker.
00:12:51Well, if I am, it's only because you never bothered to...
00:12:53Oh, shut up.
00:12:54Tell Short-Arse to call me an elephant.
00:12:55You needn't bother.
00:12:56I will.
00:12:57You're an elephant.
00:12:58No.
00:13:01We'll.
00:13:01No.
00:13:13We'll.
00:13:14No.
00:13:15No.
00:13:15No.
00:13:15No.
00:13:20It's fully's.
00:13:21No.
00:13:22There's no other.
00:13:23We'll.
00:13:26No.
00:13:27No.
00:13:28No.
00:13:28of my feet. Not you, O light of my darkness. I want you to stay and witness the discomfiture
00:13:37of the British pigs. Yes, my father. I do wish you wouldn't keep doing that rank stupidity.
00:13:45His Excellency, the Governor of Calabar.
00:14:06Your Excellency, your presence enriches my humble home.
00:14:11May the benevolence of the god Shivu bring blessings on your house.
00:14:16And on yours.
00:14:17And may his wisdom bring success in all your undertakings.
00:14:23And in yours.
00:14:24And may his radiance light up your life.
00:14:28And up yours.
00:14:30Your Excellency is most kind. May I have the honor to present my daughter the Princess Jelly.
00:14:37An appropriate name for one set in so perfect a mold.
00:14:42Oh, yeah. I must beg Your Excellency not to lavish too much of his excruciating wit on us.
00:14:50Yes. May I present Captain Keene, Sergeant Major McNutt.
00:14:53I have already seen Captain Keene on the polo field. He is very pretty.
00:14:59Thank you, Princess. I have also seen you. You are very pretty too.
00:15:05Thank you. You would like to embrace me?
00:15:08Not yet. Not before Tiffin, daughter. Gentlemen, please be seated.
00:15:15J. Lee, serve our honored guests.
00:15:17And how is our most gracious Majesty Queen, Waterloo?
00:15:22Victoria.
00:15:22Oh, yes, of course, Selimi. I never can remember.
00:15:26She's well. I had a postcard from her the other day. She sent you all her love.
00:15:29Oh, she is most generous. I must make her another gift. Some more elephants, perhaps.
00:15:35Oh, I wouldn't do that, Your Highness. No more elephants. I mean, Buckingham Palace isn't all that big.
00:15:38And I do need a lot of clearing up after.
00:15:41If you say so. But in India, the more elephants a man has, the higher his standing.
00:15:47Yes. And the higher his rhubarb.
00:15:54J. Lee.
00:15:57Yes, my father?
00:15:58It is not proper for one of such high caste to be making the eyes of the cow at the
00:16:02rear end of the horse.
00:16:04Not even when his smile shines like the very sun of the heavens.
00:16:07Not even when it shines like the very seat of the trousers.
00:16:10Nor go to the women's quarters and pay your respects to your mother.
00:16:12Yes, my father.
00:16:14Which one is she again?
00:16:15Oh, how many more times?
00:16:17She with the hair like burnished copper and the eyes as green as emeralds.
00:16:21And number 32 stamped on her back.
00:16:30I see Your Excellency is admiring my trophies.
00:16:33Yes, they're really something to be proud of.
00:16:34Come and take a closer look.
00:16:36It has taken me many years to collect them.
00:16:39Very impressive. Very, very impressive.
00:16:41I'd even go so far as to say that you are a bit of a shot.
00:16:43I hope I heard you correctly.
00:16:46I have a more recent one over here which I think will interest Your Excellency.
00:16:53Yes, very interesting.
00:16:56As a matter of fact, it reminds me of what I've come to speak to you about.
00:16:58Oh?
00:16:59I don't know whether Your Highness has heard it or not, but there's a ridiculous rumour circulating to the effect
00:17:04that the fearless soldiers of the third foot and mouth, the dreaded devils in skirts,
00:17:08are wearing garments such as those underneath their kilts.
00:17:12Oh, really? How absurd. Is it true?
00:17:17Is it true?
00:17:18Do you hear that, chaps? You want to know it's true?
00:17:20Of course it's not true. There was one man wearing them, I believe.
00:17:24It was a form of self-punishment.
00:17:25Self-punishment?
00:17:26Yes, well, they are made a rather coarse world, you understand?
00:17:28Oh, as they say in England, they tickle the fancy.
00:17:33Very funny, isn't that funny?
00:17:35Well, I didn't have the old Oxford education for nothing, you know.
00:17:39Anyway, Your Majesty was most displeased when she heard about this rumour,
00:17:41but thought that a word of denial from a man of your influence and power...
00:17:46Well, of course, I should not like to upset Her Most Gracious Majesty Queen Euston.
00:17:51Victoria.
00:17:52Oh, yes, of course, I am so sorry.
00:17:54Well, truly, I would be most pleased to deny this rumour to my people.
00:17:59Oh, well, that's good. That's settling.
00:18:00If, of course, it could be proved to me that the other soldiers don't wear them.
00:18:04Eh? Oh.
00:18:06Yes, well, why not? Right away.
00:18:09Captain Kane.
00:18:10Your Excellency.
00:18:11You heard. His honest wants proof.
00:18:15Hmm.
00:18:17Yes.
00:18:18Sergeant Major.
00:18:20Sir.
00:18:21You may have the honour.
00:18:24I'd rather not, sir.
00:18:26Rather not.
00:18:28That's an order.
00:18:36So am I.
00:18:37Oh, no.
00:18:43The indignity of it.
00:18:44I've never been made to look such a fool in me life.
00:18:47How could you do it to me?
00:18:48I am terribly sorry, sir. I had no idea you'd want us to demonstrate.
00:18:53What are you wearing them for, anyway? Great, big, tough men like you. It's disgusting.
00:18:57But they're not woollen ones, sir. I had them made here. They're Indian silk.
00:19:03Silk? Silk! Can you imagine what they'll say when it gets out that the commander of the Devils in Skirts
00:19:09wears silk knickers?
00:19:10I would like to say, Your Excellency, that I am only wearing them from a sense of duty.
00:19:15Duty?
00:19:15Yes, sir. You see, they were hand knitted for me by my mother.
00:19:18I don't care if they were hand embroidered by your father.
00:19:20He did do the flowers.
00:19:22Flowers!
00:19:24Flowers!
00:19:25It's getting worse.
00:19:26It's like a horrible canker spreading right through the army.
00:19:28Who knows how far it's gone?
00:19:30But none of the other men wear them, I assure you, sir.
00:19:32That is correct, sir.
00:19:33The men respect the tradition of the regiment.
00:19:35Do they?
00:19:36Well, there's only one way to find out.
00:19:44Hooray!
00:19:46Hooray!
00:19:52Hooray!
00:19:52Are you ready for inspection, sir?
00:19:53Hang on, Sergeant Major.
00:19:59Parade ready for inspection, sir?
00:20:01The area been cleared as spectators?
00:20:03Yes, sir.
00:20:04The men have not been warned of the purpose of this inspection?
00:20:06No, sir.
00:20:08Carry on, Captain.
00:20:09Thank you, sir.
00:20:11Hang on, Sergeant Major!
00:20:13Now, listen, cavalrymen!
00:20:15This is a new drill!
00:20:18On the word of command,
00:20:20the hem of the kilt will be grasped firmly in both hands.
00:20:26Kilts!
00:20:27Grasp!
00:20:30Right.
00:20:31Now, on the next word of command,
00:20:34the hands will be brought smartly up to the level of the shoulder.
00:20:40Parade!
00:20:42Still keeping a tight hold on those kilts.
00:20:46Hands!
00:20:47Race!
00:20:50Whip!
00:20:52Whip!
00:20:53Whip!
00:20:54Whip!
00:20:58Whip!
00:20:58Oh, my dear Lady Rough Diamond,
00:21:01it is truly a very excellent photographic reproduction.
00:21:05I thought you might be interested.
00:21:07I've heard all about the incident of Private Widdle and his,
00:21:10oh, pardon my blushes, underpants.
00:21:15Yes, indeed.
00:21:16But as it is such very excellent anti-British propaganda,
00:21:19I can't help wondering, dear madam, why you have brought it to me.
00:21:23Oh, can't you guess?
00:21:25I thought perhaps if I did something nice for you,
00:21:28you might do something nice for me.
00:21:31Ah, I understand.
00:21:33You scratch my back and I will scratch yours.
00:21:37Oh, that might be interesting for a start.
00:21:41But, my dear madam,
00:21:42even if you were to allow me to keep this,
00:21:45what would you expect in return?
00:21:47Rubies?
00:21:48Emeralds?
00:21:49Oh, no.
00:21:49Well, afterwards, perhaps.
00:21:52After what, dear madam?
00:21:54Oh, look, can you not tell from the quickness of my breathing,
00:21:57the heaving of my bosom, the hot flush on my cheeks?
00:22:00Are you out, perhaps, requiring the Indian herbal laxative?
00:22:04Oh, no, I had that last week.
00:22:05Ever since I first saw you,
00:22:07I haven't been able to get you out of my mind.
00:22:09I lay awake at night thinking of your strong arms around me,
00:22:12your, oh, hot lips on mine,
00:22:15and our bodies entwined in oriental passion.
00:22:18Yes, yes, yes.
00:22:20But what is it that you want?
00:22:23Oh, Stanley, look, do you want it or don't you?
00:22:25Oh, yes, most certainly, dear madam.
00:22:27Take me with it.
00:22:28Take you...
00:22:31Oh, I see.
00:22:33Not before time.
00:22:34But you drive an impossible bargain, dear lady.
00:22:37I do not make love.
00:22:40You don't?
00:22:41No, I am extremely rich.
00:22:42I have servants to do everything for me.
00:22:45Oh, well, that's got the tin on it, ain't it?
00:22:47But perhaps, in your case,
00:22:50I might be willing to make an exception.
00:22:53Oh, Randy, now.
00:22:54I must take this immediately to show to my warriors in the hills.
00:22:59And then I will return to attend to you, dear lady.
00:23:02Oh, no, you'll attend to me first if you don't, Randy.
00:23:05But I must take that with me now.
00:23:07Well, then take me with it.
00:23:08But what about your husband?
00:23:10Oh, we don't want him.
00:23:11Will he not be displeased that you come away with me?
00:23:14Oh, of course.
00:23:16My poor Sidney, you'll be ever so upset.
00:23:19Oh, do not worry unduly.
00:23:21Before many days, he and the others will all be dead.
00:23:24Oh, well, that's all right then, isn't it?
00:23:26Nice!
00:23:39Captain Pete!
00:23:41Princess Jelly, what are you doing here?
00:23:43I've come to warn you.
00:23:44You must leave India immediately.
00:23:46Leave India? Why?
00:23:48My father, he's planning an uprising.
00:23:50He will kill all the British.
00:23:52What? I mean, what?
00:23:54Oh, you must believe me. It's true.
00:23:56I have to go now before I'm missed.
00:23:59For my sake.
00:24:00Please leave.
00:24:03Why for your sake?
00:24:07Because I love you.
00:24:09She loves me.
00:24:15Yeah?
00:24:19Captain Keane's here to see you, sir.
00:24:20Oh, good.
00:24:21Is her ladyship back yet?
00:24:22No, sir. She said she was going to the hairdresser.
00:24:25Oh.
00:24:25Well, I hope she's not having it off.
00:24:27Mm.
00:24:27Send him in.
00:24:30Oh, Captain, I'm glad you came.
00:24:32I want you to post in immediate order.
00:24:34As from now, any of your men caught wearing underpants
00:24:37will be liable for immediate court-martial.
00:24:39Oh, but it's purely tradition, sir.
00:24:42I don't think we can force them not to wear them.
00:24:44Oh, yes, we can.
00:24:45I've got it right here.
00:24:47Army Regulation 74B.
00:24:48On tropical service, all ranks must keep their personal equipment
00:24:51free from dust and rust,
00:24:53and to avoid damp rot, open to free circulation of air.
00:24:56There we are. I think that should cover it.
00:24:58Or rather, uncover it.
00:25:01Hmm.
00:25:02I-I'm afraid it's too late anyhow, sir.
00:25:04What do you mean, too late?
00:25:05I've just seen Princess Jelly, sir.
00:25:07And she's told me that her father has got a photograph
00:25:09of the inspection parade.
00:25:10You mean, were there things up?
00:25:12Yes, I'm afraid so, sir.
00:25:14He's going to use it to incite his people to revolt.
00:25:17Who's responsible for this treachery?
00:25:19You took that photograph.
00:25:20I'll nail him to the flagpole.
00:25:22I-I'm r-rather afraid, sir.
00:25:24It was Lady Rough Diamond.
00:25:26What, the men?
00:25:27I don't believe it.
00:25:29It's true, sir.
00:25:30The Kasi has taken her and the photograph to Jaxi.
00:25:33Who?
00:25:34Jaxi, sir.
00:25:35It's a hill town just across the border.
00:25:37Stronghold of Bunglit Din and his burpers.
00:25:40Oh.
00:25:40Well, I suppose we'd better go and rescue her.
00:25:45Er...
00:25:45I'm...
00:25:46I'm sorry to say, sir, that her ladyship did not go unwillingly.
00:25:50Oh, nonsense.
00:25:51Her ladyship always does everything unwillingly.
00:25:53I should know.
00:25:55Sir, you must prepare yourself for a shock.
00:25:58According to the Princess, her ladyship is enamoured of the Kasi.
00:26:06Oh, no.
00:26:07No.
00:26:08Not there.
00:26:08Not there.
00:26:09Not there.
00:26:09Do try and keep a stiff upper lip, sir.
00:26:11I'm trying, Captain, but I just can't help it.
00:26:12I thought of them together.
00:26:14They were lying in his arms, slobbering all over it.
00:26:17I just can't help feeling sorry about the poor Burke.
00:26:20Sir, with your permission, I would like to get her and the photograph back.
00:26:23But Juxy's outside our jurisdiction.
00:26:25I think a few of us disguised as burpers might well pull it off, sir.
00:26:30Damn risky.
00:26:31But it would be worth it to get that photograph back.
00:26:34Yes.
00:26:34We might even get her ladyship back for you, sir.
00:26:37That's a chance I'll have to take.
00:26:39Juxy's over the border.
00:26:40You'll never get there without a guide.
00:26:41I know of a guide, sir.
00:26:42You do?
00:26:43Yes, sir.
00:26:44A missionary in the town.
00:26:45Brother Belcher.
00:26:46Belcher, eh?
00:26:47Well, you should make a good burper anyway.
00:26:50Oh, blimey.
00:26:51Do you think they'll help?
00:26:52Probably not, sir.
00:26:53In the ordinary way.
00:26:54But I think I know a way of persuading him.
00:26:58Repent ye before it is too late.
00:27:02Leave the primrose path of sin and wickedness,
00:27:06and enter into the fold along with all the other four sheep.
00:27:12Brothers and sisters, I say unto you,
00:27:15worldly goods are a curse and an abomination.
00:27:20Money is a burden.
00:27:23Let me relieve you of that burden.
00:27:26Don't pick your nose in a congregation.
00:27:31Get out of it.
00:27:33Oh, there is no profit in worldly goods.
00:27:37No, no.
00:27:38Nor is there joy to be found in wanton wallowing in treasures of the flesh.
00:27:45Let not the painted hoary lure you with lustful embraces.
00:27:52Nor let their cold, fringed eyes.
00:27:55No, you.
00:27:58No, you.
00:27:59No, you.
00:28:01Ah.
00:28:01Uh, Johnny.
00:28:21Darn here.
00:28:21Oh, it's a good fight.
00:28:26Oh, brava.
00:28:38Brother Belcher!
00:28:42Captain Keene, I was just giving this young lady some moral guidance.
00:28:49I don't think you could teach her a great deal, Brother Belcher.
00:28:54You're right there, Captain, sir. No, please don't get the wrong idea, Captain.
00:29:00I wouldn't get the wrong idea, Brother Belcher.
00:29:05Get off. I'll give you one.
00:29:09She does want it badly. Moral guidance, sir.
00:29:14Yes, well, you just give it to her, Brother. I'm sorry we barged in.
00:29:23Captain Keene, sir. A word in your ear. Captain Keene, sir!
00:29:27I did well, yes. You did very well. Here.
00:29:37Captain, look. If this got about, people might misunderstand. I don't want to spoil my public image, do I?
00:29:43No, of course not, Brother. Don't worry. We won't tell anyone.
00:29:47Ah, spoken like a right Christian.
00:29:50Provided, of course, you're agreeable to do a little something for us.
00:29:53Certainly, brothers. Certainly. A bit of Bible reading or a soupçon of psalm singing.
00:29:59Psalm singing, of course, comes a bit more expensive.
00:30:01No, no. It's nothing like that. We'd like you to act as a guide on a little military operation.
00:30:05Military? Me? Certainly not.
00:30:09It's the only way you can stop us talking.
00:30:11Captain, look. Who don't seriously expect me? A man of peace? An advocate of brotherly love?
00:30:17To lend myself to military punch-up?
00:30:19You'll get ten rupees a day, of course.
00:30:22When do we start? Right away. Give me ten minutes.
00:30:25Why, what are you going back in there for?
00:30:27A couple of points I still want to go over.
00:30:47Purpose! We are honored today by a visit of the great and powerful rajah
00:30:52from across the mountains, the Kazi of Karabar.
00:31:02what happened what did i do wrong it is all right highness it is only their way of showing pleasure
00:31:07oh i'd hate to be around when they show anger purpose listen to the kazi and listen well
00:31:14for he offers the chance of great glory to you all you have heard your great leader
00:31:20bunged it in of jacksy i come to you today from my country across the mountains because i need help
00:31:28and it's long been known that you the purpose are the greatest fighters in all afghanistan
00:31:36warriors who are fearless on the battlefield and whose very name makes their enemies tremble with
00:31:43fear what's he giving them what we term in ecclesiastical circles captain a bit of the old
00:31:49flannel that is why i have come to you to offer you the opportunity to make much money and even
00:31:58greater glory
00:31:59i wish they wouldn't do that
00:32:05do not worry highness they show much pleasure if they hit you it will only be an accident
00:32:11oh that's very reassuring
00:32:14and now i will tell you how this money and glory will come
00:32:19we are going to rise up and drive the british out of india
00:32:28oh that's much nicer no no no no it is not good it is their way of showing displeasure what
00:32:35i will
00:32:36find out what is wrong purpose why do you dislike the idea of fighting the british we cannot fight the
00:32:43devils in skirts it is a well-known fact that they are invincible is that not so men
00:32:52ah they are against him no no no they are agreeing with him oh what a funny lot do not
00:32:59talk to me of
00:32:59devils in skirts the skirts of the devils are the skirts of women would devils wear such a thing as
00:33:05this beneath them hey those are mine and that's the chap who took them off me i remember his face
00:33:11i'd hate to think what he remembers of you
00:33:14can you fear men who wear such a thing as this
00:33:17now will you fight with us
00:33:22no
00:33:23no i thought so they do everything here the wrong way around
00:33:26they are descended from one of the oldest tribes in afghanistan
00:33:30the ascetasis it would need more than this one government to convince our chiefs we cannot fight
00:33:37without their permission
00:33:40they need more proof you have the picture here
00:33:43yes the memsab has it oh dear they've got me doing it now
00:33:47good purpose go to your chiefs and tell them to come to my house
00:33:52and the kazi will show them a picture proving that the devils are as women
00:34:01they will fight once we have won their chiefs over
00:34:03before i see them perhaps we should sweeten them a little yes
00:34:07good if he's promised to show them the picture that means they haven't seen it yet
00:34:11now you wait here i'll just scout around a bit see if i can find a way in
00:34:15and the best of bombay luck duck
00:34:19whittle replace your ting gear at once
00:34:21whisper doesn't half hitch what is it made of
00:34:48there's no other way chaps we're going to have to try and force our way in
00:34:52we'll never force our way through these doors sir
00:34:54no that's where mr belcher comes in
00:34:56that's where mr belcher goes out good day gentlemen
00:34:59mr belcher all you have to do is knock on the door
00:35:01ask to see the kazi and when the door is opened we will rush them
00:35:06now
00:35:06now
00:35:07come on now
00:35:12there's no one in
00:35:13knock again louder
00:35:17what do i do now just say you want to see the kazi and leave the rest to us
00:35:25yes i want to see the kazi and leave the rest to us
00:35:31what did he say
00:35:55you are welcome we have been expecting you but please put your swords up
00:36:02that's tempting we offer you only friendship here
00:36:07you do of course
00:36:09his highness the kazi will see you later
00:36:12but in the meantime i offer you the hospitality of my humble dwelling
00:36:18woman
00:36:23please go with the women
00:36:26refresh yourselves
00:36:28ask for anything you desire
00:36:31deny yourselves
00:36:33nothing
00:36:38it must be a trap
00:36:40go
00:36:41let's walk into it
00:36:43that's enough widow
00:36:45but if you care for me to go ahead with her and
00:36:47break away to other situations
00:36:49no thank you sergeant major
00:36:51we must stick together whatever we do
00:36:55follow me
00:37:08well sir
00:37:09well it looks all right
00:37:11all right
00:37:12why it's fairy land
00:37:22we are waiting
00:37:24it's your pleasure master
00:37:26pleasure
00:37:26the idea
00:37:29what do we do sir
00:37:31men
00:37:31we mustn't forget we came here with a definite objective
00:37:35to get that photograph
00:37:36oh you're absolutely right sir
00:37:39on the other hand we
00:37:41we don't want to rush into anything
00:37:43oh
00:37:44oh you're absolutely right sir
00:37:46so perhaps
00:37:47it would be advisable for us to stay here for a bit
00:37:50stay here for a bit
00:37:51are you suggesting we remain and indulge ourselves in the
00:37:55whatever's going on
00:37:56we have no alternative mr belcher
00:37:59but these are women of pleasure
00:38:01do you expect me a missionary to lend myself to such carings on
00:38:06my job is to save fallen women
00:38:08i realize that mr belcher
00:38:10good
00:38:11save me the one with the big earrings
00:38:16love jelly
00:38:17the chiefs have arrived and are enjoying my hospitality
00:38:21excellent
00:38:21when they have been surfeited they should be easily persuaded
00:38:25you have the photograph
00:38:27not yet i fear
00:38:28lady rough diamond has secreted it upon her person in such a place it cannot easily be got at
00:38:34why waste time let us take it from her by force that would be unpardonable in india the cow is
00:38:40sacred
00:38:43what a lovely idea whatever it is
00:38:46not now dear
00:38:55not just now i think
00:38:59what have you got out of her
00:39:02mind your own business
00:39:04i mean what information
00:39:07excuse me adam
00:39:09a lady ship's here all right but she doesn't know anything about a photograph
00:39:13i'll keep working on her
00:39:16don't worry i will
00:39:19oh you must think i'm deaf
00:39:20good boy
00:39:22well now
00:39:23why
00:39:24oh what pretty earrings
00:39:26are they rubies
00:39:28no they are mine
00:39:30for me how nice
00:39:32what a pretty necklace it'd be
00:39:34pity to split them up
00:39:39you shouldn't have
00:39:40you'll be getting me a bad name
00:39:43i can't help admiring those
00:39:46they're beauties aren't they
00:39:47oh
00:39:48no
00:39:49shh
00:40:07hold still
00:40:16there we are
00:40:19there that didn't hurt did it
00:40:22no
00:40:23later dear i'm collecting on behalf of the mission at the moment
00:40:31oh no
00:40:33hang on hang on
00:40:34i say she's done it again
00:40:36done what
00:40:37she keeps on asking me something i nod yes
00:40:40then she claps her hands and goes mad
00:40:42yeah stand easy will you
00:40:44ah well just remember when a burper nods it means no
00:40:48oh hang on and when when when they applaud it shows displeasure
00:40:53oh all right now then
00:40:55hey girlie just a minute
00:40:57look i am saying yes
00:40:59yes yes yes yes yes yes
00:41:07yes yes yes yes
00:41:10yes yes
00:41:10yes
00:41:10yes
00:41:10yes
00:41:10yes
00:41:10yes
00:41:11what a good idea mixed bathies
00:41:15come on tats
00:41:16fall in
00:41:17yes
00:41:18yes yes
00:41:20yes yes
00:41:21yes yes
00:41:22hey come and do it
00:41:23hey
00:41:24hey
00:41:38well what is it
00:41:40the chiefs are here i know that fool i've already seen them no these are other chiefs
00:41:45what other chiefs who are the ones already here
00:41:47close the couch
00:42:06remember men only give name rank and number
00:42:14this way please madam all right thank you major uh will you sit down madam thank you
00:42:24and uh what can i do for you it is more a question of what i can do for you
00:42:28excellency
00:42:31pardon i am his highness the cause is number one you know that my lord and master has taken
00:42:37your woman away with him i know i know he has done you a great wrong and it is my
00:42:44duty as his woman
00:42:46to write that wrong it is you see oh what exactly did you have in mind what he has done
00:42:54unto you
00:42:56you are entitled to do unto him it is the custom of our people well as a stranger to your
00:43:02country
00:43:02i must get used to your customs that is well i am ready to write that wrong me too
00:43:14another way
00:43:17short house don't disturb us please we're gonna have a spot of tipping
00:43:28what are they celebrating my father the british prisoners my child are to be executed at sunset
00:43:33no father spare them impossible my child it will help to show these buffer fools that the british are
00:43:40not invincible the white mems are of course but do not worry we'll make it easy for them they will
00:43:45die the
00:43:46death of a thousand cuts oh no oh that's horrible nonsense child the british are used to cats
00:43:58charming charming join the army and see the next world it's all your fault why what have i done
00:44:04what have you done you can't even take part in the simple little order without going raving mad
00:44:10chasing women round the room diving into pools after them i didn't ask to come on this job and i
00:44:15don't
00:44:15know why he picked me i chose you little because if anything was to go wrong i couldn't think of
00:44:21anyone i'd rather it go wrong too no no no no steady chaps try and keep calm we've been in
00:44:28tighter spots
00:44:28than this here we go he's going to ask us to keep a stiff upper lip next i was about
00:44:33to say remember we're
00:44:35british i beg your pardon captain then i was going to say keep a stiff upper lip well i'm not
00:44:42standing
00:44:42round here waiting for mine to stiffen god god i'm an ecclesiastical dignitary i insist on seat the
00:44:49british consul what do you want peek i was going to ask for the name of a good dentist but
00:44:55i don't think
00:44:56i'll bother now the feast in honor of the chiefs is ready my dear arch good i will go now
00:45:03you have the
00:45:03photograph no wait i will see if i can get it oh there you are brandy i thought you'd forgotten
00:45:14all about me impossible my dear madam you haven't mentioned the dress sorry oh there's no need to
00:45:19apologize no no no the garment is called a sari oh yes of course silly me the sari with the
00:45:28feet
00:45:28chopped off yes it looks most exquisite on you madam but if you will forgive my saying so there's
00:45:34something here causing an ugly bulge oh i can't help the way i may oh no no no i don't
00:45:39think it's part of
00:45:40you oh i have it and you're very welcome to it i'm sure no of course it is the photograph
00:45:45allow me to
00:45:46relieve you of what must be a most tiresome burden now now randy remember our bargain i shall give it
00:45:53to
00:45:53you when you yes yes i know the rest and that i trust without seeming to be too immodest or
00:45:59anxious
00:45:59to be right now oh no no no please madam no i cannot not before a meal oh when then
00:46:03when well
00:46:04i never fear i will have it at sunset sunset oh how romantic i can hardly contain myself i know
00:46:12it is
00:46:12that as the sari is much too small oh till sunset then till sunset well you have it no but
00:46:22don't worry
00:46:22it will be easy after the public execution oh and only 500 cuts for the memsab i don't want the
00:46:28photograph
00:46:38ruined my lady you must leave this place at once are you kidding dear oh i wouldn't mr knight for
00:46:44anything my father has told you what is to happen to you then not half at sunset and you're not
00:46:50frightened
00:46:51oh well it's not as if it's the first time is it but for it to happen in public in
00:46:55front of everyone is
00:46:56it not humiliating oh well i wouldn't want it in public yes everyone will be watching when it is
00:47:03done it is the custom well not where i come from it isn't in public oh i think that's positively
00:47:11common
00:47:11well that is why i've come to save you you and the british soldiers who are to die with you
00:47:18die what are you talking about the death of a thousand cuts that is what is going to happen at
00:47:24sunset
00:47:25death by a thousand cuts but i thought he was going to
00:47:31oh oh the dirty rotten sheets you wait till i get my hands on it oh my lady trust in
00:47:37me
00:47:37i have a plan to save you and to get you to your home home but how can i go
00:47:42home now after what i've done
00:47:45oh poor city i wonder what he's doing now so you're the carter's number three three oh please sit down
00:47:55thank you very nice too i have come because my lord and master has taken your woman yes it's been
00:48:02a
00:48:02terrible shock to me terrible he's done me a great wrong true i have come to write that wrong
00:48:09funny i was hoping you'd say that excuse me sir don't disturb us please we're gonna have a bit
00:48:16of tipping it's not time for tipping mind your own business any time is tipping time
00:48:28who's that it is i the princess jelly the white memsar will be put in the cell with the other
00:48:33prisoners
00:48:43princess jelly captain keen is it you yes how wonderful i never thought i'd see you again oh
00:48:50nor are you and yet here you are here you are excuse me yes your ladyship uh have you still
00:48:58got the
00:48:59photograph yes worse luck i thought you said there was no time to lose yes we must hurry we must
00:49:04leave
00:49:05before the feast finishes change into these things immediately and now for a little illusion i picked up
00:49:14in baghdad baghdad home of the immortal words who was that bag i saw you with last night dad who
00:49:22was that
00:49:22baghdad and now for my greatest illusion i would like from my audience the assistance of one female lady
00:49:39thank you madam and uh may i have your name please they call me basti really and may i have
00:49:47your assistance
00:49:47please who is this idiot now i want you to observe i have one young lady here and two stools
00:49:55that one's
00:49:56the young lady oh naughty now then i also want you to observe there is nothing between the young lady
00:50:01and
00:50:02the ceiling and nothing between the young lady and the floor when i do move the stool you will observe
00:50:06that the young lady is in a state of complete suspension with no visible means of support now i will
00:50:12now
00:50:12cover this young lady with this old cloth i will now remove the first stool
00:50:20i will now remove the first stool it's clear come on
00:50:34is this the best you could do it is the safest it's the costume of the nautsch dancers the guards
00:50:40they
00:50:40will not interfere with you they'll get a nasty shock if they do follow me come on go on that
00:50:47foot
00:50:51i will now remove the second stool bring on the dancing girls get rid of this idiot
00:51:12you come you have kept our guests waiting hurry the dance the dance reggie
00:51:21what do we do now do as i do it is our only chance play
00:52:10the dude in the streets
00:52:12and jackets play
00:52:17here's the music
00:52:17is
00:52:17here's the music
00:52:19Stay back and pull us back!
00:52:25Enter them! Enter them!
00:52:40Hurry, you fools!
00:52:42Oh, get a battering ram!
00:52:46Music!
00:52:48How do we get out of here? There's no other door.
00:52:50Well, no, it is the place where the women of the Hiram get exercised.
00:52:53As if they don't get enough inside.
00:52:54We'll have to get over the wall somehow.
00:52:56Wait a minute, dear. Let's get it right.
00:52:58Remove the first stool.
00:53:04Now, remove the second stool.
00:53:09That's it!
00:53:12Eureka!
00:53:13Hey, you! Fakir!
00:53:15We need your help.
00:53:16Sorry, madam, I'm busy.
00:53:18Madam?
00:53:19I am Captain Keene of Her Majesty's Third Foot and Mouth,
00:53:22and this is Sergeant Major McNutt.
00:53:24You're gonna fooled me!
00:53:25Look, we need that rope of yours to get us over the wall.
00:53:28I'm sorry, it won't work.
00:53:30Not without the magic words!
00:53:31Come on, you'll be well paid!
00:53:33Those are the magic words!
00:53:34Come on, help me off this thing.
00:53:35Right.
00:53:41What thing?
00:53:42Oh, look! Look!
00:53:44I better touch the limitations!
00:53:46Well, never mind that. Get the rope.
00:53:47I'll rope, yes.
00:53:48I'll rope, yes.
00:53:51Here we are.
00:53:52Come hold of that.
00:53:55Oh, here we are!
00:53:58A lovely ladder!
00:54:00Snakes and ladders!
00:54:01Snakes and ladders!
00:54:02That'll do!
00:54:04Of course!
00:54:07Lovely!
00:54:08Just what we needed.
00:54:09Come along, now.
00:54:10Is it the wall?
00:54:11No!
00:54:11Come on, then.
00:54:12That's here.
00:54:13Right.
00:54:14Here we go.
00:54:17Can we get the rope, then?
00:54:19No!
00:54:19This'll do!
00:54:20All right!
00:54:21Do!
00:54:23I'm great!
00:54:23I'm great!
00:54:24I'm great!
00:54:24I'm great!
00:54:24I'm great!
00:54:26Right, let's go!
00:54:30Where are you taking me?
00:54:31Shut up and keep out of sight!
00:54:43Cinder!
00:54:44They have got away!
00:54:45Never mind!
00:54:47We have the photograph!
00:54:49I will go after the pigs!
00:54:50Don't bother!
00:54:52Go with your men.
00:54:52Take the shortcut to the Khyber Pass
00:54:54and wipe out the British Garrison there.
00:54:57Then the way will be open for us
00:54:58to the Governor's Residency
00:55:00at Calabar!
00:55:02Ha-ha-ha!
00:55:09Your Excellency, sir.
00:55:10Eh?
00:55:11Who?
00:55:11There's another one of them here.
00:55:13Another one?
00:55:14So soon?
00:55:14Did she say what number?
00:55:16Nine, sir.
00:55:17Nine.
00:55:18How many women's have Kazi got?
00:55:20The last count, 51, sir.
00:55:2251.
00:55:22Ah, send her in.
00:55:25Yes, sir.
00:55:27I know.
00:55:27You're not to be disturbed.
00:55:28You're having Tiffin.
00:55:45Oh, how awful!
00:55:47What can have happened?
00:55:48I don't like making guesses,
00:55:49but I wouldn't be at all surprised
00:55:51if there hadn't been a spot
00:55:52of foul play here.
00:55:53Foul play?
00:55:54Look at them!
00:55:55Lying around here
00:55:56like a lot of unwanted cocktail snacks!
00:55:59Ginger!
00:56:00Who is?
00:56:01He is!
00:56:02Ginger, my mate!
00:56:07Private Hale?
00:56:08Yes, Ginger Hale.
00:56:13Hello, Ginger.
00:56:15It's me, Jimmy.
00:56:16Your old mate, Jimmy Whittle.
00:56:19Jimmy?
00:56:19Hmm?
00:56:20Is it you?
00:56:22My old mate?
00:56:23Haha, Ginger mate.
00:56:25How do you feel?
00:56:26Oh, not so good.
00:56:27I think I've been wounded.
00:56:29Oh, only here and there.
00:56:31Jimmy?
00:56:32Hmm?
00:56:32I can trust you.
00:56:34Now, give it to me straight.
00:56:36Am I gonna be all right?
00:56:38Of course not, Ginger mate.
00:56:41Eh?
00:56:42I said, of course not, Ginger mate.
00:56:45I'm not gonna be all right.
00:56:47Well, how could you be
00:56:48with half a dozen
00:56:48dirty great holes in you?
00:56:50You've had it.
00:56:51You're a bleedin' fire, mate,
00:56:52I must say.
00:56:54What do you mean?
00:56:54You asked me to give it to you straight.
00:56:56Yeah, but I didn't mean you to.
00:56:57You are of a little runt, you!
00:57:00Oh!
00:57:00Batch off, Widow!
00:57:03You're a great little comfort
00:57:05to a die man, aren't you?
00:57:06Oh!
00:57:06Now, listen, Hale.
00:57:08This is Sergeant Major McNutt.
00:57:11What happened, lad?
00:57:13They attacked by half hour ago, sir.
00:57:16Hundreds of them.
00:57:20Purpose they may.
00:57:26Oh, no.
00:57:33Ginge.
00:57:35Ginge, mate.
00:57:36I'm sorry.
00:57:37I...
00:57:38Poor old mate.
00:57:47That's right!
00:57:48Bleemwell suffocate me!
00:57:50Duh!
00:57:57The entire garrison of Khyber
00:57:59has been wiped out, mighty Raj.
00:58:01Well done, my most beautiful warrior.
00:58:04You're a better man than I am, Bundy Dean.
00:58:08You see now that the photograph does not lie?
00:58:11The devils in skirts are not invincible.
00:58:14We have caught them with their pants up.
00:58:18I think!
00:58:23Duh!
00:58:24Duh!
00:58:25Duh!
00:58:26Duh!
00:58:27Duh!
00:58:27Duh!
00:58:28Captain Keen, sir!
00:58:29Captain Keen!
00:58:30What is it?
00:58:32They're coming down the path, sir!
00:58:34Hundreds of the devils!
00:58:35Thank you, Sergeant Major.
00:58:36Everybody outside, please!
00:58:43Right.
00:58:44Now, pay attention, please, everyone.
00:58:46It appears that Khyber is coming down the path with his army.
00:58:49Now, I have decided that you will all try and get back to the residency.
00:58:53We?
00:58:54What about you?
00:58:55I'm going to stay back here and hold them off as long as possible.
00:58:58Oh, no, sir.
00:58:59That's no job for an officer, sir.
00:59:01Allow me.
00:59:03Very well, Sergeant Major.
00:59:04You realise it means certain death?
00:59:07Yes, sir.
00:59:08That's why it's no job for an officer.
00:59:10Yes.
00:59:11I hadn't thought of that.
00:59:13I'll be pleased to have one volunteer to stay with me, sir.
00:59:15Don't look at me.
00:59:16I'm a civilian.
00:59:18Widow!
00:59:19And I'm a coward.
00:59:20Widow, I'm giving you one last chance!
00:59:23And I'm a cowardly volunteer.
00:59:24Excuse me.
00:59:25With pleasure.
00:59:28That's my Widow.
00:59:30Good luck, Sergeant Major.
00:59:31Thank you, sir.
00:59:32And you, sir.
00:59:32And you, Widow.
00:59:33And you.
00:59:40There's someone moving about down in the pass.
00:59:43Do you think those fools will try to make a fight of it?
00:59:45They will have difficulty.
00:59:47We took care of the arms there, too.
00:59:53I think someone's been at them.
00:59:56Useless!
00:59:57Never mind.
00:59:57We've still got the maximum and a field gun.
00:59:59Right.
00:59:59Widow, get the ammunition!
01:00:07Isn't this exciting?
01:00:09Oh, yes.
01:00:09I'm just loving it.
01:00:10Here's quite a new experience for me.
01:00:12I've only ever ridden the side saddle before.
01:00:14You could have fooled me!
01:00:20Here they come.
01:00:21Fire!
01:00:21Go!
01:00:22Wait till you see the whites in their eyes!
01:00:27I can only see the pinks for that, too.
01:00:28Yeah!
01:00:29Have a taste of this, you swine!
01:00:37What the devil?
01:00:44You rotten swines!
01:00:46You'll pay for this!
01:00:48Come on!
01:00:52No!
01:00:53No!
01:00:54No!
01:00:54Come on!
01:00:56Come on!
01:00:58Come on!
01:01:00Take her!
01:01:01No!
01:01:08No!
01:01:17No man!
01:01:24Come on!
01:01:27Come on!
01:01:28Let's get out of here.
01:01:44To our most gracious Majesty Victoria, Queen of Great Britain and the Dominions, Empress of all India, Defender of the
01:01:51Faith.
01:01:53Dear Vicki, I have the honour to report that all goes well with your Majesty's province of Calabar, and I
01:02:02flatter myself that I have established new and more intimate relationships with many of your subjects.
01:02:07Eleven, to be precise.
01:02:10Many of your subjects, and I look forward to continuing to do so.
01:02:16I therefore close your most respectful servant, Sir Sidney Raft Diamond, KCB, OBE, ACDC, BBC ITV, available for private products.
01:02:28Safe reception.
01:02:29Oh, yes. P.S. Love to Albert.
01:02:33Excuse me.
01:02:44There's another one of them here, sir.
01:02:46Oh, blimey, no.
01:02:48Oh, well, sir. If you're not feeling fit, perhaps I could see her for you.
01:02:53Major Short House. However onerous they may be, nobody could ever say that I neglect me official duties.
01:02:59Neither do rabbits.
01:03:01Did she give any number?
01:03:02Thirteen, sir.
01:03:03Thirteen. Unlucky for some.
01:03:06Thirteen, eh? That's twelve down, thirty-eight to go.
01:03:12Connor, I'm wondering what happened to number five.
01:03:25Thanks for the lift.
01:03:26Yes, it was quite an experience. I've never ridden in carts pulled by cows before.
01:03:31Bullets, Mr. Belcher.
01:03:32No, I haven't, honestly.
01:03:33Oh, here we are, home safe and sound.
01:03:36Well, if I could still call it, Omar, for the way I've treated poor Sidney, I doubt if he'd let
01:03:39me back.
01:03:40Nonsense, Your Ladyship. I keep telling you, it isn't as if anything happened to you.
01:03:44Well, there's no need to keep rubbing it in.
01:03:58It was good of you to see me.
01:04:00Not at all. It's a pleasure any time.
01:04:02It was necessary for me to right the wrong done you by my lord and master.
01:04:05You're quite right there.
01:04:07Would you mind mentioning that to number five, if you should see her?
01:04:13Your Ladyship.
01:04:14In short ask, where is my husband?
01:04:16Your husband? Ah, you mean Sir Sidney.
01:04:18Well, of course I mean Sir Sidney. I've only got one husband, haven't I?
01:04:22No. I mean, yes. You want to see him?
01:04:24Well, naturally I want to see him. What's the matter with you?
01:04:27No, no, no. You can't go in there.
01:04:29Why am I not?
01:04:29No, the governor's very busy with an affair of state.
01:04:31Well, I can't hold that. This is more important.
01:04:33No, no, but he's given strict instructions not to be disturbed.
01:04:35I must see him.
01:04:36Your Ladyship. He's very busy.
01:04:37Will you get out of the way?
01:04:38Lady Ralph Diamond.
01:04:40No need to shout. I'm not...
01:04:41Well, I mean, my wife's there.
01:04:41I must see him.
01:04:42It is good. I would tell her the wrong has been righted.
01:04:45You tell her nothing they're kind.
01:04:46Yes, but if I just...
01:04:47Get in there.
01:04:47Quiet. Quiet, please.
01:04:51Sidney.
01:04:52Oh.
01:04:55Oh, Sidney, dear, I've come back.
01:04:56Yes, so I heard.
01:04:57Sidney, I have been foolish and discreet.
01:05:00I lost my head.
01:05:01Is that all?
01:05:01Will you ever forgive me?
01:05:03What for?
01:05:03Well, for running off and leaving you.
01:05:05Oh, no, yes, I forgive you. Go and have a nice cup of tea.
01:05:07No, Sidney, we must have it out.
01:05:09Don't have it out.
01:05:09But I have wronged you, dear, and I want to right that wrong now.
01:05:13Now? Oh, not now. For Pete's sake, not now.
01:05:15Oh, please, Sidney.
01:05:16I will not deny the fact that I went off with the car seat,
01:05:18but I want you to know that nothing happened between us.
01:05:21I know that, but...
01:05:22What?
01:05:23Well, it's true. He never laid a finger on me.
01:05:25Shh, shh, shh.
01:05:26Don't tell everybody.
01:05:27What do you mean, don't tell everybody?
01:05:28You ought to be pleased.
01:05:29I am pleased.
01:05:30Oh, definitely, I am very pleased.
01:05:32But you know what they are here.
01:05:33They're like a bit of scandal, don't they?
01:05:34They like to have somebody to talk about in the club.
01:05:36Oh, yes, I see what you mean.
01:05:36I mean, we've got a reputation for that sort of thing out here.
01:05:38We want to keep it up, don't we?
01:05:40But I'm not exactly proud nothing happened, you know.
01:05:42Shh, quiet.
01:05:43Please forgive me, I have wronged you.
01:05:46Me?
01:05:46Yes, I have righted a wrong which did not happen.
01:05:50I am sorry.
01:05:56Funny woman.
01:05:57What was that woman doing in there?
01:05:59I don't know.
01:06:00Covered love?
01:06:01Don't you come it with me, Sidney Rough Diamond.
01:06:03I know you.
01:06:04What's that mark on your cheek?
01:06:06Yes, I thought so, you filthy old governor.
01:06:08Oh, now, just a minute, Joanie.
01:06:10Don't you, Joanie, me, you old lecher.
01:06:12So that's what happens the minute my back's turned, is it?
01:06:14Now, wait a minute.
01:06:15You run away with another bloke, remember?
01:06:17Oh, I've heard you pretty weak excuse me, my heart.
01:06:20Well, I'll teach you, Sidney Rough Diamond.
01:06:24Well, it makes a change from Tiffin.
01:06:28Keep your eyes-skinned, men.
01:06:29We're expecting an attack at any moment.
01:06:32Well, I'll be on my way now, Captain Keen.
01:06:34I wouldn't leave the compound if I were you, Mr. Belcher.
01:06:36These burpers are after blood, you know.
01:06:38Oh, they wouldn't dare show violence to a missionary.
01:06:41Love thy neighbour, Captain.
01:06:54Get ready to close the gates once our men are inside.
01:06:57Give them some covering fire.
01:06:59Fire at will.
01:07:00Fire at will.
01:07:01Poor old Will.
01:07:02Why do they always fire at him?
01:07:06What!
01:07:10Where do they close the gates now?
01:07:11Come on, inside!
01:07:14All right, cease fire!
01:07:16Cease fire!
01:07:18Report him back, sir.
01:07:19I'm sorry, but we were unable to hold them at the pass.
01:07:22Quite all right, Sergeant Major.
01:07:23I'm sure you did your best.
01:07:25Carry on.
01:07:25Take over the defence.
01:07:26Help!
01:07:33Well, her ladyship's aim certainly seems to be improving, sir.
01:07:35You're telling me?
01:07:39Excuse me, Your Excellency.
01:07:41Oh, Captain Key, did I hear firing just now, or was it the mem?
01:07:44It was firing, sir. We are having a spot of trouble outside.
01:07:48We're not doing so well in here, either.
01:07:53I don't like it. I don't like it at all.
01:07:56An armed revolt like this could set the whole of India aflame.
01:07:58Yes, that's what I just said, sir.
01:07:59And who asked you?
01:08:00No one, sir.
01:08:01Well, belt up.
01:08:03One false step, and it could be disastrous.
01:08:06As Major Shorthouse just said, sir.
01:08:08And who asked him?
01:08:09Oh, Fudge.
01:08:12Now, gentlemen, this revolt will have to be suppressed with the utmost tact and diplomacy.
01:08:18We'll string up half a dozen of them for a start.
01:08:24What is it, Sergeant Major?
01:08:26The car's is here under a flag of truce, sir. We bunged it in.
01:08:29All right, Captain.
01:08:30Right, Sergeant Major, show them in.
01:08:31Fire!
01:08:32Fire!
01:08:35And for heaven's sake, Sergeant Major, see the surgeon and get that thing taken out!
01:08:43Under a flag of truce, eh? I wonder what that means.
01:08:45Well, sir, it's a piece of white material stuck in a post.
01:08:47I know what it is!
01:08:54Greetings, Your Excellency.
01:08:56It is most kind of you to see us at such short notice.
01:08:59You're always welcome, Your Highness.
01:09:01You are most kind.
01:09:02And how can I be of service to Your Highness?
01:09:05As a mark of my deep respect for Your Excellency's person,
01:09:08I have come to offer you and your people safe conduct out of Calabar.
01:09:12A very magnanimous gesture.
01:09:15And if I do not wish to leave?
01:09:17Then, Your Excellency, I shall be forced, most reluctantly,
01:09:22to burn the residency to the ground and kill everyone in it.
01:09:27Is that all?
01:09:28As a further mark of my respect, I shall then exhibit
01:09:31your distinguished but neatly severed head from the walls of the palace.
01:09:38A very generous gesture.
01:09:40You are most welcome, Your Excellency.
01:09:43And just to show that we, too, are capable of making a generous gesture.
01:09:50In that case, there is nothing more to say.
01:09:53Unless you like stuff for a bit of tiffin.
01:09:55No, thank you.
01:09:56Unlike you, British, we are not tiffin mad.
01:09:59Come on!
01:10:00Oh!
01:10:02You, come on over here!
01:10:03Come on!
01:10:05I still don't trust that fellow.
01:10:08Things look rather bad, sir.
01:10:09What are we going to do?
01:10:10Do, Captain?
01:10:11We're British.
01:10:12We won't do anything.
01:10:13Till it's too late.
01:10:14Precisely.
01:10:14That's the first sensible thing you've said today.
01:10:15Thank you, sir.
01:10:16Now, gentlemen, as always, we will carry on as if nothing was going to happen.
01:10:21Surely, sir, we must make some decisions.
01:10:23You're quite right, Captain.
01:10:25Short house?
01:10:25Sir.
01:10:26We'll have dinner at seven.
01:10:27Yes, sir.
01:10:27And I'd like Captain Keane, Princess Jelly, and Brother Belcher to join us.
01:10:30Yes, sir.
01:10:31Black tie, of course.
01:10:32Of course, sir.
01:10:41I don't worry about there's only one thing to be worried about, and that's me, and I'm
01:10:44right behind you.
01:10:52What is that supposed to be, Willow?
01:10:54The thin red line.
01:10:56They'll never get past that.
01:10:57If you don't get out of here, you'll have a thin red line across a thick white back side.
01:11:05Now, remember, men.
01:11:06It's up to us to see they don't get through.
01:11:07Everything is ready for the attack, mighty Raj.
01:11:10Seven o'clock.
01:11:10This hour will go down in history, Bandit Din.
01:11:13Shall I give the order to attack?
01:11:15Yes.
01:11:16No.
01:11:16Wait.
01:11:17What strange noise is that?
01:11:25What trickery is this?
01:11:48You, up there!
01:11:49What is this noise?
01:11:50Can you see what is happening?
01:11:51Oh, yes.
01:11:52They are sitting down to dinner.
01:11:54Sitting down to dinner?
01:11:55Are they stark-raving bonkers?
01:11:58Do they think I'm playing games?
01:11:59It is a typical exhibition of the British phlegm.
01:12:02I spit on their British phlegm.
01:12:05Oh, excuse me.
01:12:07Most impolite expression.
01:12:08But these people sometimes infuriate me.
01:12:10Oh, they come out here with their starched uniforms and their stiff upper lips and their dirty
01:12:16great flags hanging out.
01:12:17Think they own the place?
01:12:19They do?
01:12:20Well, they won't much longer.
01:12:22Start the attack.
01:12:23If you...
01:12:24By the time I've finished with them, their stiff upper lips will be so limp, they'll be
01:12:27hanging down to their navels.
01:12:29I will kill the pigs!
01:12:31Fire!
01:12:38That will teach them to bend turbans on the buses.
01:12:57won't you enjoy your soup then oh delightful
01:13:05terrible noise yes it's shocking it it's not a first-class orchestra mind it they're doing
01:13:13I mean the noise outside.
01:13:15Oh! That's probably the drains again.
01:13:19Major Short House. You really must have that seat.
01:13:21Yes, sir.
01:13:23How are you enjoying your stay in India, Mr Belter?
01:13:25Marvellous. Can't wait to leave.
01:13:27Yes, I suppose it has its ups and downs.
01:13:35We'll all be going up in a minute.
01:13:43I must say, the wind seems to be a little strong tonight.
01:13:47Who's it?
01:13:57We used to know a missionary fellow when we were in the Solomon Islands.
01:14:00Do you remember, dear?
01:14:00Oh, yes, a splendid man.
01:14:03He went down very well with the natives.
01:14:05Did he? Yeah, they had him.
01:14:11Oh, yes.
01:14:24You rang, sir?
01:14:25Yes, Chindy. You must have the one.
01:14:27Mine?
01:14:28The raving man.
01:14:39What's all this noise?
01:14:41Can't you say I'm trying to sleep?
01:14:43What is that?
01:14:45It's a levelling fakir who helped them to escape from Jackson.
01:14:48Another idiot.
01:14:49I'll teach him and those fools in there.
01:14:51And listen, they will never forget.
01:14:52Seize him.
01:14:53She's firing.
01:14:54Stop firing.
01:14:55Rinse him.
01:15:02More wine, Mr Belcher.
01:15:04It's finished!
01:15:05No, it's half a bottle here still.
01:15:06Go on, give me some.
01:15:07No, no.
01:15:08I mean all that banging and rumbling.
01:15:10Banging and rumbling?
01:15:11Didn't notice any banging and rumbling?
01:15:12Oh, Sidney, you didn't forget to take your soda meat before dinner.
01:15:16No.
01:15:16I don't mean that sort of rumbling, madam.
01:15:19Oh, you mean the noise outside just now?
01:15:21Yes, that's right.
01:15:23Yes, a spot of thunder.
01:15:24It's the season for it, you know.
01:15:26Yes, of course.
01:15:27You know, I remember once we were in Puna.
01:15:29We had a shocking storm.
01:15:30It really poured down.
01:15:31Oh, yes, I remember that very well.
01:15:34Yes, I thought it would.
01:15:35Star bonkers, a lot of them.
01:15:42Ah, the meat course.
01:15:44You'll love this.
01:15:50And for our next trick, then perform defeat.
01:15:53Well, that's not what we ordered, is it, Sidney?
01:15:55Of course it isn't.
01:15:57Chandi, what's the meaning of this?
01:15:58I do not know, Your Excellency.
01:16:00Well, I ordered sake and pig, didn't I?
01:16:02I'm very sorry, Your Excellency.
01:16:04Well, take it away.
01:16:05Go on.
01:16:07You've got to get rid of that cook, dear.
01:16:09Oh, yes.
01:16:12Did you want to go somewhere, Mr Belcher?
01:16:15Mad?
01:16:16That's the Facius, Ed.
01:16:17They killed him!
01:16:19Well, that's dashed unsporting.
01:16:21Unsporting?
01:16:22Yes, it's the closed season for Facius.
01:16:25I don't believe it.
01:16:26I don't believe it.
01:16:26No, it's true, eh?
01:16:28Here we are.
01:16:29April 1st to September 30th.
01:16:31Of course.
01:16:32How silly of me.
01:16:33I should have known.
01:16:35Some wine.
01:16:38How did they like that?
01:16:39They didn't like it.
01:16:41They're sending it back.
01:16:42You mean they're going on with the dinner?
01:16:44Yes, Highness.
01:16:45Oh, no.
01:16:46This is ridiculous.
01:16:47What must one do to arouse these idiots?
01:16:49I do not know, Highness.
01:16:51A thing like that leaves them unmoved.
01:16:53But put the tea in the cup before the milk,
01:16:55and they go berserk.
01:16:56It is like they're Sir Francis Drake finishing his bowls.
01:17:00Oh, don't talk bowls to me.
01:17:02Kill them!
01:17:02Kill them all!
01:17:03Attack!
01:17:04Attack!
01:17:04Kill!
01:17:05Kill them!
01:17:06Kill them all!
01:17:06Kill them all!
01:17:14Kill them all!
01:17:21Kill them all!
01:17:22To you and the princess plan to get married, eh, Captain?
01:17:24That's right, sir.
01:17:25I do love a wedding.
01:17:27Yeah, good show.
01:17:28Of course I should put the regulancy at your disposal.
01:17:31Oh, that's...
01:17:32Jolly kind of you, sir.
01:17:37what's left of it what I said what's left of it oh hey oh yes
01:17:44make you sure that's making out will you add this room redecorated yes sir
01:17:49so will your mothers and father be coming home
01:18:21I said you've got a little blaster
01:18:39oh the orchestra seems to stop playing
01:18:49bravo
01:19:08the gates have gone attack
01:19:11key
01:19:12key
01:19:25well done my beautiful warrior
01:19:27come we will put them to the sword
01:19:36oh you're fighting the life out of me
01:19:45I was wondering if I might just pop outside sir and see if anything's happening
01:19:48but you all made your pudding there captain
01:19:50oh and it's strawberry moose
01:19:52oh well in that case
01:19:58Mr. Belcher
01:19:59Mr. Belcher
01:20:01Mr. Belcher
01:20:07good evening
01:20:08I was suggesting my dickie
01:20:26excuse me for buzzing me sir
01:20:28it's all very well sergeant major but we have got a door you know
01:20:30I'm sorry your excellency but this was rather urgent
01:20:32all right what is it
01:20:33I'm afraid they've broken into the compound sir
01:20:35I say that's a dashed bad show
01:20:37perhaps we ought to go out and have a look at the situation
01:20:39eh captain
01:20:40yes sir
01:20:40if the ladies will excuse us
01:20:42oh yes of course dear if it's important
01:20:45I'm sure Mr. Belcher will keep you entertained when we get back
01:20:47major short house my revolver please
01:20:49of course sir
01:20:51have you got yours dear just in case
01:20:52yes dear
01:20:53try and save the last bullet from Mr. Belcher with you
01:20:55after all he is our guest
01:20:58Cindy please
01:21:04don't worry
01:21:04we'll save you some strawberry moose
01:21:06nice strawberry moose
01:21:09strawberry moose
01:21:10strawberry moose
01:21:11strawberry moose
01:21:21you come here orphan
01:21:27what did you do that for
01:21:29I've just got a bullet in me sperm
01:21:30I hear
01:21:31I'll get back in line
01:21:40I think they're going to be in business this time captain
01:21:42looks a bit like it sir
01:21:44if you'll excuse me
01:21:45certainly
01:21:47permission to have a bachelor
01:21:49yes go on enjoy yourself
01:21:50thank you
01:21:56you wish to see me
01:21:58you wish to see me
01:22:00you wish to see me
01:22:19oh
01:22:19forward back to the residency men
01:22:20and fall back
01:22:22dr. Keane
01:22:22back
01:22:23your collar's undone
01:22:24oh that's right sir
01:22:26I'm afraid we're done for sir
01:22:27there's too many of them
01:22:29not yet
01:22:29line the men up down there
01:22:31sir
01:22:32line them up
01:22:33facing the enemy
01:22:34yes sir
01:22:36stick and gauge
01:22:40top one main line
01:22:42facing the enemy
01:22:48stop
01:22:49stop
01:22:50ready to be there at you
01:22:51complete
01:22:53kill
01:22:53brush
01:22:55good
01:22:56there are no devils in skirts to frighten you now
01:23:00and
01:23:00right
01:23:06there's nothing to be afraid of
01:23:09oh I don't know though
01:23:14all right captain dismissal man
01:23:16thank you sir
01:23:17thank you sir
01:23:18carry on sergeant major
01:23:19right you dozer
01:23:20then get for the body
01:23:21come on
01:23:21come on
01:23:22move
01:23:23I'm all right
01:23:24oh top of all dear
01:23:25top of all
01:23:25I thought we'd have coffee in the lounge
01:23:27yes why not
01:23:29oh dear
01:23:32that's all right
01:23:32we'll clear it up in the morning
01:23:42of course
01:23:42they're all raving mad
01:23:43you know
01:23:44that's all right
01:23:50thank you
01:23:56so
01:23:58that's great
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