- 1 day ago
First broadcast 26th October 2012.
Stephen Fry
Alan Davies
Johnny Vegas
Ross Noble
Shaparak Khorsandi (as Shappi Khorsandi)
Stephen Fry
Alan Davies
Johnny Vegas
Ross Noble
Shaparak Khorsandi (as Shappi Khorsandi)
Category
📺
TVTranscript
00:00Well, good evening, good evening, good evening, good evening, good evening, and to a greater or lesser extent, good evening,
00:09and welcome to QI, where tonight we'll be delving into the seedy world of journalism.
00:16Before we start sexing up the facts, let's look at who's going to be on my press gang.
00:21Hold the front page, it's Shappikos Andy.
00:25APPLAUSE
00:28Drop the dead donkey, it's Ross Noble.
00:32APPLAUSE
00:36Another world-exclusive, Johnny Vegas.
00:40APPLAUSE
00:43And personally responsible for eating Freddie Starr's hamster, Alan Davis.
00:49APPLAUSE
00:54Now, before we press on, let's hear their buzzers.
00:59Shappikos...
01:03That's newsy.
01:05Ross goes...
01:07Quite newsy, too.
01:09Johnny goes...
01:13And Alan goes...
01:22So you've actually given...
01:24It's a knockout, yeah.
01:25You've given us the It's a Knockout theme.
01:27Yeah.
01:28So at any point we can play that and just wrestle around in that.
01:31I can go...
01:34Then every time I press mine, something terrible will happen.
01:38Yes, well, yes...
01:40It's the news every time.
01:41I can't press my buzzer at all, then, in case there's a tsunami.
01:43A volcano has killed the population of Sunderland.
01:46Anyway, let's start.
01:48What kind of person lived here?
01:55Yes, already the tragic tones.
01:57Initially you think a very angry person that's quite small.
02:02Yes.
02:07It did genuinely exist, this Daily Mail model village.
02:11This was after the First World War, when housing was in short supply.
02:14We were trying to build a land fit for heroes.
02:17And it was made entirely of Daily Mail Patliamashia, was it?
02:20The copies of the Daily Mail?
02:22Well, the Daily Mail was never shy about trying to draw attention to itself
02:26with publicity, stunts of all kinds, athletic stunts, firsts in aviation and so on.
02:33It was the Daily Mail that sponsored Amy Johnson to fly to Australia, for example.
02:37And they decided that they would lead the world,
02:39because this was the way they ran in those days.
02:42And they thought they would contribute to a model village.
02:45I can see, I can see that.
02:47Like, if they go, let's have an air race, let's try and cross the Atlantic,
02:50and then they're all quite...
02:53Like that.
02:54And model village, it's like...
03:05It's the sort of thing where, like, you know, Richard Branson said,
03:08right, I'm going to send a rocket to the moon and I'm going to take people.
03:11And they go, wow, Branson's amazing, we're going to fly.
03:13And when we get there, I'm going to build a model village.
03:17Well, I suppose you have to go back to after 1919,
03:19all those people wiped out by Spanish flu.
03:21Before that, all those people wiped out by the First World War.
03:24And the Daily Mail thought we needed a new modern Britain with new modern cities.
03:29And so they devised this village, which they thought were going to be absolutely marvellous.
03:33But the plans were a little over-ambitious.
03:35And they were overtaken by the...
03:38Guardian village.
03:40The company who owned the land around,
03:43and who named this new town Welling Garden City.
03:47Oh!
03:48Yeah.
03:48But there it was, the Daily Mail model village of Welling Garden City, 1922.
03:52It's a good job it wasn't the Sunday Sport model village,
03:56because then it would be the Welling Garden City.
03:58Welling!
03:59Oh!
04:00Welling!
04:01Oh!
04:01Check out the front of those houses!
04:08And there's always the back alley too!
04:12Oh no dear!
04:17That is a rubbish model village, it's clearly full size.
04:21Yeah.
04:22Did the Daily Mail believe in giants,
04:24and that there was a readership that they were missing out on?
04:27So they built a model village that was normal size,
04:30so giants would visit and go,
04:32Oh!
04:32It's tiny!
04:34Oh!
04:35It's just, look at the attention to detail!
04:37Don't forget model has too many.
04:39There's model in the sense of the, it's a paragon,
04:41it's a model of its kind.
04:43And that's what they meant by it.
04:44It's got three fingers, hasn't it?
04:45Not like it's a teeny weenie.
04:46Because model village, everyone just walks around like that.
04:48That's true.
04:50Yeah.
04:51The high street is called the catwalk.
04:53Yeah.
04:54Everyone's just in their pants.
04:55That's, that's true.
04:56I, I have to say, I weep when I think of my childhood,
05:00and the amount of time we spent around a model village.
05:03Oh, beckons God.
05:04And what kids have today.
05:06Yeah.
05:06They've got so much, and my mum and dad would go,
05:08Oh, look at that, it's Big Ben, but this big,
05:10and we'd go, wow.
05:12Yeah, yeah.
05:12I mean, you see, your, your dad didn't drink.
05:14My dad would go to a model village,
05:16and go, I'm King Kong!
05:19And just start smashing stuff.
05:21Oh, how we'd laugh.
05:24You know, you know why I can't go to model villages?
05:27Because when you walk around, because of the painted faces,
05:29they all look like people who, who've been like, trapped by witchcraft.
05:33Yes, they do.
05:34And they're going, help, get me out of here!
05:36I'm not really queuing for a newspaper.
05:38But when I come home, shrouded in guilt, and drink.
05:44I don't know enough about the dark arts to make them all fully sized.
05:48If only you could save them.
05:50The fact is, the Daily Mail's model village didn't work.
05:53Even they were bought up by the Wellingarden City Company,
05:56who eventually built 41 houses on the six acres,
05:59and renamed it Meadow Green, so it was no longer Daily Mail village.
06:02But Daily Mail, tell me about the Daily Mail.
06:04Who founded the Daily Mail?
06:06Lord Beaverbrook.
06:06Satan.
06:07Not the Old Beaverbrook, that's the Express.
06:09Satan is closer.
06:10Was it, was it just a Lord of Beavers in a brook?
06:16No, it's a family that still exists, it still controls the group.
06:19Is it the Patak family?
06:21No, it's not the Patak family.
06:23That would be great!
06:25That would be pleasing, wouldn't it?
06:26If we found out that the Spice dynasty...
06:29It was founded in 1896, by Alfred Harmsworth, who later became Lord Northcliffe.
06:35So, Alfred Harmsworth was a great showman,
06:38and he had a brilliant gift for making Daily Mail readers think they kind of owned the mail.
06:44So he was always having competitions, asking them how the mail could be improved, for example.
06:48And there were people who wrote in and said,
06:50you should perforate your articles, so we could tear them out like stamps.
06:54Which is an interesting idea.
06:56Are you sure that wasn't for toilet paper?
06:57No.
06:59Someone else suggested that each page should be perfumed differently, so it smelled different.
07:03And chip paper too.
07:04What if you confused the chip paper with the toilet paper?
07:07Madness would ensue.
07:08Yeah.
07:09But before he was a press baron, he actually wrote a rather QI-style book,
07:13which had the marvellous title of
07:14for answers to correspondence on every subject under the sun.
07:19The first edition contained articles with headlines,
07:23what the Queen eats,
07:24how to cure freckles,
07:26and why Jews don't ride bicycles.
07:31Those three answers covered everything.
07:34Yeah, well, those are the sum of the questions.
07:36Oh, right, right.
07:37But part of the showman in him was that he guaranteed that if you died with a copy of that
07:44book on you,
07:46your estate would get £200.
07:48If you come from a family like mine, where they tend to drown themselves,
07:52that's the preferred suicide.
07:54Right.
07:58So hard to be...
07:59When I was scuba gear, how are you going to get down there to plant the book?
08:04You said, that's the preferred method.
08:08I've got to do the old suicide.
08:10Well, there's been a couple of sloppy ones.
08:13Has that?
08:14Yeah.
08:15Caughting themselves in dog food, you know, going to the zoo.
08:18Oh, good God.
08:20I mean, the ones who really thought it through.
08:22Oh, dear, dear, dear.
08:23You know, it's not just been a last-minute...
08:25Lions!
08:28Shouldn't it be cat food for the lions?
08:31You walk into the lions' enclosure covered in dog food...
08:34Ross, Ross, Ross, he haven't thought it through.
08:36I don't.
08:37Or else he'll drown themselves.
08:39Do you know, in Japan, sorry, but in Japan,
08:43what they've introduced on the underground,
08:45because of the delays of people killing themselves,
08:49is the family get billed,
08:51and the further out of the city that you kill yourself
08:55by jumping on the version of the underground,
08:58the less money you have to pay.
08:59So everybody's been going right out to, like, High Barnet
09:03and places like that.
09:05Honestly, to top themselves because they don't want to leave the expenses.
09:08They're going to kill himself at Cockfosters.
09:10Yeah.
09:11Have they got any happy stories?
09:13No.
09:14You go to Clifton Suspension Bridge,
09:17there's a sign as you get to the bridge saying,
09:20there's a phone number of the Samaritans.
09:22Yeah.
09:23Just in case anyone's thinking of jumping off,
09:25and then no telephone.
09:29Which really makes me think that if you are feeling that way,
09:32you're going to think, well, that's just typical of my luck.
09:34Yes.
09:36Wasn't there somebody, I might be joking this up,
09:39who used to hang around at Beachy Head?
09:42Yes, which is a common suicide spot.
09:44Yeah, and talk people out of it.
09:45Yes, indeed.
09:46There's priests walking around.
09:48Yeah.
09:48Just going up and having a chat.
09:49Just going up and having a chat.
09:49Just good kind people, yeah.
09:51But you know what the thing is about Beachy Head?
09:53I've been on to Beachy Head when I, say, had a gig in Brighton,
09:57and then gone.
09:58And if you just want to have a little sit down,
10:00and have a little think.
10:02Yeah.
10:02People panic.
10:04I had a priest come up to me.
10:06Yeah.
10:07Because it is such a popular suicide spot.
10:08Yeah, I was just having a little bit of a read.
10:10Yeah, yeah.
10:11And he came up, and to be the same...
10:12I think there was a bit of tension-seeking of me, if I'm honest.
10:15Well, to be honest, I was quite down.
10:16You're dangling your legs over the edge.
10:18Well...
10:20Choking my face.
10:25I'm fine, I'm absolutely fine.
10:29Now, listen to this obituary,
10:31and let me know what kind of person is being described.
10:36He was a tireless raconteur,
10:38who gave colourful accounts of his exploits,
10:42but did not suffer fools gladly.
10:44An uncompromisingly direct ladies' man,
10:47he was affable and hospitable at every hour,
10:49but he did not uphold the highest ethical standards of the city.
10:55Sounds like a bit of a wrong-un.
10:57Yes.
10:58Because they're all things that you kind of...
11:00See, I've got a problem with that expression,
11:02didn't suffer fools gladly.
11:04You put your finger on it.
11:06It's like, who does?
11:06Number one, who does suffer fools gladly?
11:09He goes, oh, brilliant, there's a fool,
11:10I want to spend the weekend with it.
11:11You have.
11:12You have.
11:12You're not mighty.
11:14No.
11:15No, you put your finger on it, Shabby.
11:16The point is, all those phrases are what used to be obituary code,
11:22and basically, to translate it,
11:24a tireless raconteur means crashing bore.
11:27Right.
11:27Yeah.
11:28Is it Nick Clegg?
11:30It's not one individual, it's just the different things.
11:32Affable and hospitable at every hour,
11:34or simply convivial, a drunk.
11:37Yeah.
11:38Basically, a terrible drunk.
11:40Uncompromisingly direct ladies' man.
11:43A serial grouper.
11:44Hard.
11:45He'd also get devoted much of his time to the Boys Brigade
11:48and the Boy Scouts.
11:49That also told you a lot about such figures.
11:53Gave powerful accounts of his exploits.
11:56Liar.
11:56Liar, exactly.
11:58Did not uphold the highest ethical standards of the city.
12:02Thief.
12:03Yes.
12:04Fraudster, basically.
12:05Exactly.
12:06And did not suffer fools gladly.
12:08Intolerant.
12:09A total shit.
12:10Yes.
12:11A howling shit.
12:14And these were the codes, and you read the obituaries,
12:17and you kind of understood what was being said about them.
12:21The longest Times newspaper obituary was 60,000 words.
12:25Who do you think?
12:26Who do you think for?
12:28Was it the blue?
12:28Queen Victoria.
12:29Queen Victoria is the right answer.
12:31Well done.
12:31Good job.
12:32Point.
12:35Very good.
12:38That's very good, very good.
12:40But can you name anyone who's actually read his own premature obituary?
12:44Has anyone ever read their own obituary while being alive?
12:47There's a weird thing about, you know what Frankie Howard,
12:49and Frankie Howard and Benny Hill died on the same day,
12:53and they rang up Benny Hill to say, can you, this is apparently true, right?
12:59Don't laugh like it.
13:01I'm sorry.
13:01This is dead.
13:02I know.
13:02I'm not inviting you to my funeral.
13:04No.
13:05No.
13:07Yeah, and apparently they rang up Benny Hill to get a quote about the death of Frankie Howard,
13:13and his agent couldn't get a hold of him, so she made up a quote, but he'd already died.
13:18Oh.
13:18And he was at home, like you know, in his flat, and then the TVs were already broadcasting his thing
13:24on the death of somebody else and he was already dead.
13:26That's such a typical agent thing to not realise you're dead.
13:30Yeah.
13:32My wife is to work for an agency, and one of their clients, who was called Rory, passed away.
13:38But she mistakenly thought it was Rory McGrath.
13:41And so for about a week, every time someone rang for Rory McGrath, she'd say, I'm so sorry.
13:51And they would say, but I only saw him on Tuesdays.
13:53You didn't even know.
13:55I had a friend from a care agency like that, and her now ex-husband, who wasn't the most sensitive
14:02type,
14:03one of the clients suddenly rung up and rang the house and obviously said she'd passed away,
14:09and he just left a note on the fridge saying, like, Mrs. Johnson brown bread.
14:13And so she went shopping.
14:16Oh, no!
14:18That's terrible.
14:19She needed groceries.
14:21Oh, dear.
14:22Yeah.
14:22Well, there are two stories.
14:24One was that Alfred Nobel read his own obituary and was described as being a merchant of death
14:30because he invented...
14:32Dynamite.
14:33Dynamite, yes.
14:34Exactly.
14:35And he was so horrified, and he wasn't dead, that he instituted the Nobel Prizes in order
14:41to try and reclaim his name.
14:42That is not, in fact, a true story, but it's a myth.
14:46The other one is Marcus Garvey, the Jamaican black nationalist, apparently died as a result
14:52of reading his obituary.
14:53He had a stroke when he read the Chicago Defender newspaper, which printed his obituary describing
15:00who is broke, alone and unpopular.
15:02Oh!
15:03That's terribly sad.
15:04It's like Googling yourself.
15:06Yeah.
15:07Mine would just say, it's safe to come out now.
15:10Yeah.
15:13He's gone, honest.
15:15It would have friends who knew him said, yes, he really was like that.
15:19Yeah.
15:20I did say the other day, driving through Islington, and there was a hearse slowing everything
15:26down, and I did say to my wife, if it's my funeral, tell the Pope driving the hearse to
15:31step on it.
15:31I would...
15:32I would not...
15:33Instead of having a coffin as well, just have the body, so that there's a going round
15:37the corner, just slamming again.
15:42Can you grab some chickens?
15:44Get some chickens in a cage, you know, and some boxes to drive through, just make it
15:49like...
15:50Like an A-team final year.
15:52What music do you want your coffin to go, when your coffin goes into the disappears?
15:57The Sweeney theme.
15:58That would be a good one.
15:59Da-da!
15:59Da-da!
16:00The end music, you know, and it's really slow.
16:03Da-da-da-da-da!
16:04When the foot presses on the accelerator.
16:07I quite like the music from Allo Allo, with You Have Been Watching.
16:10My boy...
16:12LAUGHTER
16:14Well, you know one of the most popular ones, it's the countdown theme.
16:18Da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da.
16:21DUN!
16:22When my...
16:23When my dad died, he's a big fan of sailing, so we give him a Viking send off.
16:28We put his ashes in a boat.
16:30And tried to set fire to it, but cos it was in the North Sea, it wouldn't light.
16:34LAUGHTER
16:35And, er, so what we did was, we were trying to fill the boat full of his ashes,
16:39and we're going, do you tip the ashes straight into the boat
16:42or do you put them in bags?
16:43And my mum, who's ever the practical, she went,
16:46I've got some sandwich bags.
16:47I'll get some sandbags.
16:49So we had them in the boat and then we went out to sea
16:52and off he went and shot off into the distance.
16:55A remote control bag.
16:56Yeah, it was.
16:57Yeah, it was remote control.
16:58Like, I thought would be yawning.
17:00You're joking.
17:00And I just, yeah, no, seriously.
17:01The word for that.
17:02You sent your dad off with four double A's.
17:04Yeah, we did.
17:05It's somewhere.
17:07Keep going to the batteries running.
17:13And the people, the people from the miniature village were going,
17:18help that man, John, help me.
17:20A little lifeboat comes out.
17:24Do you know how you over in Houston remote control?
17:27That wouldn't work in our family.
17:29Give it a E, you're doing it wrong.
17:30Give it a E.
17:31It was my dad too.
17:34Give us a go.
17:37The word dignity is not the first in the world.
17:41No, but this is the thing.
17:43That's exactly what he would have wanted.
17:45And I've said the same thing.
17:46Like Hunter S. Thompson, you know, when he died,
17:48Hunter S. Thompson was put in a cannon
17:50and just fired off across the valley that he used to own.
17:53And what I'd quite like to do is I'd like to be put in, like, pepper spray
17:57and then, you know, just people that I don't like,
18:00I'm going to get my wife to go, like that.
18:03Best of a noble.
18:05Boom.
18:06Oh, my God.
18:08How did we get here?
18:09I can't even remember.
18:11The fact is no matter how many character flaws you have,
18:14you can be sure that they'll be euphemistically dealt with
18:17in your obituary.
18:19Journalists are not above a bit of muckraking, of course,
18:22but can you describe the most expensive piece of shit
18:26to come out of a British bank?
18:28Is it some sort of fossilised, uh,
18:33dinosauric poo in the...
18:35How extraordinary you are, Ross Noble.
18:37For 20 minutes you've been gibbering like an idiot.
18:42Suddenly you've come up with a brilliant answer.
18:49You're absolutely right.
18:52The only way to be right is if you could give me a technical name
18:55for fossilised shit.
18:56Is there going to be faeces in the thing?
18:58Well, you can call it, yes, you can call it
19:02paleontofaeces, or you can call it coprolite.
19:04It is copra, copra shit in Latin.
19:07Coprolite sounds like a chocolate bar.
19:08It does, rather, doesn't it?
19:09Not a very nice one.
19:11But there was a Lloyd's Bank in York, of all places,
19:15and they found this period poo in 1972.
19:19It was 23 centimetres long, 5 centimetres wide.
19:23A human poo?
19:24It was a Viking poo.
19:26Did you find this within the bank, or was this on a...
19:29I'm checking it was a stuffed day out.
19:32It was found under the branch.
19:34They found it somewhere, this sort of stone hanging down.
19:36To be honest, it does look like an old what's-it to me.
19:38It does, but when you examine it more closely,
19:40you will see that it is a poo,
19:42and you can actually even determine what was eaten,
19:44and that is cereal bran, so they were quite healthy and regular,
19:48and hence the, well, I won't say it's the most normal-looking stool I've ever seen, but...
19:52So you're telling me that every time I go to the loo,
19:55I am flushing away millions.
19:58In future, I'm going to go to my bank and have a shit there.
20:02But I'm going to tag it so that my family in future...
20:04He's just going to walk in and say,
20:05I'm just going to make a deposit.
20:07Yeah, yeah.
20:13Anyway, the poo's discoverer, Andrew Bones Jones,
20:17said this is the most exciting piece of excrement I've ever seen.
20:24In its own way, it's as valuable as the crown jewels.
20:27There was another exciting coprolite that was discovered.
20:30It was a T-Rex tern that was found in Saskatchewan in 1998,
20:34and that was 17 inches long.
20:37And six inches thick, and that was reckoned just to be a bit of it knocked off,
20:41that the actual term would have been even bigger.
20:43How did they know?
20:44Was there a dead T-Rex next to it that had pooed itself to death?
20:49No, it was found reaching for the toilet roll with its tiny claws.
20:56How does it wipe?
20:57Oh, T-Rex has died of frustration because they couldn't get round to wipe.
21:00Oh, T-Rex.
21:02T-Rex.
21:04Coprolites are not everybody's, you know, cup of tea collecting fossilised terns.
21:08People like poo, though.
21:09They do like poo, don't they?
21:11They do like poo.
21:11They're like drawing with poo.
21:12I went to someone's house, and they had, like, this elephant poo painting.
21:16But when communication breaks down, it does make a bold statement with all of us.
21:21When you write something on the wall like,
21:23call me a taxi, they do do it, honestly.
21:28You know, you're like just one of them parties where you've had enough.
21:31You write on the wall with your own faeces, people start listening to you.
21:42You've just got to do one big enough to go,
21:44I was not fond of the cheesecake.
21:47I'm considering you are out of vodka, and I am the one turd.
21:51I would like to go home now.
21:54The odd thing is when the forensic scientists come in,
21:57and they find out that it was Johnny Vegas' poo,
21:59that it was Lorraine Kelly's handwriting.
22:04Yeah, yeah, yeah, but the diction was perfect,
22:06and even the sweet calm was used for little calm.
22:10Oh, now.
22:12Now, there's the line.
22:16You've crossed a boundary.
22:18Are you finding that you're not selling as much Tupperware at these parties?
22:25I don't mean to keep it in that area, but I will.
22:28Well, my wife once had, you know those bath bomb things?
22:32You know those things?
22:32Oh, yes, yeah.
22:33She had one of them in the bath, yeah, and it fizzes up.
22:35Lass grenades, I'll call them.
22:36You chuck them in the bath, and they fizz up,
22:38and they fill the bath full of glitter.
22:40And I didn't realise when in the bath,
22:42and quite a lot of glitter had gone in me bum,
22:45and I didn't realise, and I did a poo,
22:48and I looked into the toilet, and it was sparkling, right?
22:51It was like...
22:52I thought, and honestly, for a minute,
22:55I thought I had a magic arse.
22:57I almost did it.
23:01That was lovely.
23:05That's a beautiful story.
23:06Anyway, moving on,
23:08what's the name of the highly fortified building
23:11where most of the gold in America is kept?
23:14Oh, no, don't do it, don't do it.
23:20Beckham's house?
23:22The Beckham house is a good answer.
23:25Most of the gold in America is kept in a single place.
23:28It is a double bluff, and it is going to be Fort Knox.
23:35It's not Fort Knox, no.
23:39Nearly twice as much gold
23:40as at the Federal Reserve Bank in New York,
23:42which is their equivalent of the Bank of England.
23:44They have there about 7,000 tonnes of bullion,
23:47and in Fort Knox,
23:49they've got no more than around 4,500 tonnes,
23:52which is not quite half, but...
23:54It's still a lot,
23:55but they've had some interesting things in Fort Knox,
23:58apart from gold.
23:59They've had one of the great English treasures,
24:02if I were to say...
24:04Or Thorough Heard?
24:06Not Thorough Heard.
24:08I'll say the year 1215 to you, does it?
24:11The Magna Carta.
24:12Very good.
24:13They had the Magna Carta in Fort Knox
24:15for some short time.
24:16They also stored the crown, sword, scepter, orb,
24:20and cape of St Stephen, King of Hungary.
24:23It was stored there
24:24and then returned to the government in Hungary in 1978.
24:27Was it like a cloakroom?
24:28Did he call me a...
24:29Go, all right, take the cape, there's me off.
24:31They lost his ticket and they didn't give it back.
24:35Really annoyed.
24:36Honestly, I'm the king of...
24:37Let me try the crown on it.
24:38It's a perfect fit, I promise.
24:40And where does Spandau Ballet fit into the whole equation?
24:44They're like the Rasputin of the new government.
24:47Is there something I'm missing out here?
24:49Go!
24:49Go!
24:51Always believe in your soul.
24:52Always believe in your soul.
24:53Let's sing that and run that in.
24:54You've got the power to know.
24:55You're indestructible.
24:57Always believe in.
24:59Boom, boom, go!
25:06It's a very...
25:09Very impressive way.
25:11So I'm just going to move on to the next question, if I may.
25:15Which is, can you think of a way of promoting railways
25:19that is guaranteed to get into the papers?
25:21Yes.
25:22Make them work.
25:24Very good.
25:25Bravo.
25:28I like that.
25:29Good answer.
25:30Crash.
25:31Mmm.
25:32Crash, though.
25:32You're right.
25:33You get the point.
25:34You're joking.
25:34No, I'm not.
25:35I just saw Branson and thought, crash.
25:37Yep.
25:37Make them crash.
25:38Fun enough, a man called Crush was a rail magnate in America,
25:42and in order to draw attention to what he thought was his supreme,
25:47splendid line across Texas,
25:48he arranged for this public display of two trains charging into each other.
25:53They were either end of a four-mile track,
25:56then they began to accelerate,
25:58and then they collided to great cheers.
26:00However, both boilers exploded,
26:02metal began to fly,
26:03spectators ran in blind panic,
26:05two young men and a woman were killed.
26:07At least six other people were seriously injured in the flying...
26:10That's a long death, isn't it, show today.
26:12Branson would attempt, doesn't it?
26:15Yeah, well...
26:15It sounds to me like Thomas the Tank Engine does die hard.
26:19Yeah.
26:20Thomas and Percy were flying towards each other
26:23in some horrific showdown to the death.
26:27At the last moment...
26:28The Thomas and Tank Engine video game,
26:30the 18 certificate.
26:32Yes.
26:32Grands Death Thomas.
26:33Gore and blood.
26:36Thomas went chugging down there,
26:38he killed a prostitute for extra money.
26:41I very much like this idea.
26:44We must write this down.
26:48That's good.
26:49Thomas video game.
26:50Other ways of trying to get publicity for things,
26:53Henri de Balzac, the great French writer,
26:56he wrote a play.
26:57It's called Les Rubriques de Quinoa,
27:00and his way of drumming up real attention for it
27:04was to tell everybody that it was sold out.
27:06Unfortunately, this rather backfired,
27:08because everyone thought,
27:08oh, there's no point in me trying to buy a ticket.
27:10It's apparently sold out, I can't go and see it.
27:12So it was a complete failure.
27:14It's a brilliant novel by Ted Heller called Funny Men,
27:17and it's about a fictional comic double act.
27:19And in one of their shows, someone had a heart attack.
27:22And they came upon this brilliant publicity scam
27:24where they would have ambulances waiting outside the theatre.
27:27It was so funny, it was almost certain
27:29that someone would have a heart attack and die.
27:31And then they would have people feigning heart attacks
27:34and being ferried off in ambulances.
27:35That happened at one of my gigs.
27:37A girl was laughing so much,
27:39she had a really bad asthma attack.
27:40And that's a dilemma,
27:42because on the one hand you're thinking,
27:43that's terrible,
27:44but on the other hand you're thinking,
27:45yes!
27:48Nearly killed one.
27:49I killed them.
27:51I killed them.
27:52That one's dead, 999 to go.
27:55Yeah, exactly.
27:56Oh, Lord.
27:56Now, some people will do anything for fame,
28:00but what did the Famous Five have lashings of?
28:05Ginger beer.
28:07No!
28:11I read all of those books.
28:13I'm gutted.
28:14I don't know.
28:15It's funny, because in the books,
28:16there is only one foodstuff that is referred to
28:19in all the Famous Five books
28:21of which they had lashings.
28:23They eat the dog.
28:24Jimmy, the dog.
28:27No.
28:28Asbestos.
28:30They are lashings of asbestos.
28:33They realised just how dangerous it was in powdered form.
28:38The dog in Famous Five was asbestos.
28:40No, no.
28:40No, not the dog.
28:41Oh, sorry, I thought the dog was asbestos.
28:42No, no, they would just pat lots of asbestos for its...
28:45Asbestos is a very good name for a dog.
28:47It's great, isn't it?
28:48Asbestos!
28:53My uncle had a dog named after Charlie Mingus,
28:58the jazz musician,
28:59and he would...
29:01He's called Mingus,
29:02and the problem was
29:03is that he's got the same accent as me.
29:05He'd be in the park,
29:06and he'd just be shouting,
29:07Mingus!
29:08Mingus!
29:09Whoa!
29:11And the local girls
29:13thought that he was...
29:15Mingus!
29:16Piss off!
29:17Yes!
29:19Well, you called it Mingus,
29:20and it led to all sorts of problems.
29:22I'm sure it did.
29:23Why do we think of it as the lashings of ginger beer?
29:26Because of the comic strip presents...
29:27Because the comic strip presents...
29:29Their first film was the comic strip presents
29:32Five Go Mad in Dorset,
29:34and they kept going on about having lashings of ginger beer.
29:37But in the actual books,
29:38there's no reference to lashings of ginger beer.
29:40But in one of the books,
29:41Five Go Down to the Sea,
29:43they did arrive at Cornish Farm
29:44and immediately settled down
29:46to a high tea of lettuce, tomatoes, onions,
29:48radishes, mustard and cress,
29:50carrot grated up,
29:51and lashings of hard-boiled eggs.
29:54Eggs!
29:54Oh, I was going to say that!
29:55You were going to say that!
29:56That the only lashings...
29:57They're always going to farmhouses...
29:58Enid Blyton gave the famous five
30:00were lashings of hard-boiled eggs.
30:02They never had lashings of ginger beer.
30:03That's a terrible picnic!
30:05That's onions!
30:06It's very hard to lash an egg.
30:08Unless you're in some sort of S&M thing with Humpty Dumpty.
30:13That's why they couldn't put them back together again.
30:16No, I will give you ten points.
30:18If you can give me, within three,
30:20the number of books that Enid Blyton wrote a year.
30:2442.
30:25You were damn close.
30:26You were just out of range, I'm afraid.
30:28She actually wrote 37 books a year.
30:31And talking of busy women,
30:32let's move on to another question here.
30:34Why have we never heard of Harriet Quimby?
30:38You've heard of Fred Quimby,
30:39who produced the...
30:40Tom and Jerry.
30:41Tom and Jerry.
30:42Tom and Jerry.
30:42And Mayor Quimby in The Simpsons.
30:45But Harriet was the first American woman
30:46to become a licensed pilot,
30:48and the first woman to fly the English Channel.
30:51But unfortunately, it just so happened,
30:54her record-breaking flight didn't make the news
30:56because she completed it the day after the Titanic sank.
31:01So it just was a damp squib, to say the least.
31:03She was famous in her day.
31:05She was one of the very first screenwriters
31:07at the very beginning of Hollywood.
31:09She wrote seven scenarios
31:11for the father of cinema, D.W. Griffith.
31:14She died aged 37 at an aviation meet, sadly crashing.
31:19But it was an impressive and a short and brilliant life.
31:23Who was the first man to fly the Channel, do you remember?
31:26Oh, we all know him.
31:27We all know the men that fly the Channel.
31:29I mean, I don't.
31:30Well, he was the first person.
31:33Louis Blériot was one of the great achievements.
31:35He flew from England to France,
31:37but the French authorities, when he landed,
31:39didn't have a form,
31:41and so they signed him in
31:42as having landed on a yacht called Monoplane
31:46because that's the best they could do.
31:48But it was a huge feat at the time,
31:49and it was a £1,000 prize offered by...
31:53The Daily Mail?
31:54Of course, The Daily Mail.
31:55But you know what?
31:56Harriet did that backwards and in heels.
31:59Exactly.
32:00Very good.
32:01Good point.
32:01I'm sure it was harder for her.
32:03But it can be very difficult to die at the wrong time.
32:11Can you think of people who died, unfortunately,
32:13on the same day as somebody even better known than themselves?
32:16Oh, I know.
32:17I know.
32:19Mother Teresa.
32:20Yes, who died on the same day as...
32:22As Diana, the Princess of Wales.
32:24So she was not only below the fold,
32:26she was over the page.
32:27I only realised that a couple of months ago
32:28Mother Teresa was dead.
32:30Yes, yes.
32:31Who died on the same day as Michael Jackson?
32:34Mmm.
32:36It was an actress, wasn't it?
32:38Yes, an actress.
32:39Farrah Fawcett.
32:39Farrah Fawcett is the right answer.
32:41Well done.
32:42Summoned up in nowhere.
32:46I've just found out this moment that Farrah Fawcett's dead.
32:49Oh, you didn't know that?
32:50I had no idea.
32:51She died on the same day as Michael Jackson.
32:52Yeah, exactly.
32:56Apparently, when the ambulance men were driving up Michael Jackson's drive,
33:00they've heard he wasn't breathing
33:01and they're driving up there
33:02and one goes,
33:03what are we going to try first?
33:05And the other one went,
33:05I reckon the roller coaster.
33:08LAUGHTER
33:11But you do that thing where,
33:13if you're on a plane
33:14and there's somebody famous on there,
33:16you look at them and think,
33:17if this goes down,
33:18who's going to get the stop of the bill?
33:20LAUGHTER
33:22I know, I have to say,
33:23I haven't yet thought that.
33:25That would be a sad thought, wouldn't it?
33:27Would I get the headline?
33:29I was on a plane with Sting once.
33:31Well, Sting and Alan Davis go down would be,
33:34I don't know.
33:36LAUGHTER
33:36Can you get any of this?
33:38APPLAUSE
33:39LAUGHTER
33:42APPLAUSE
33:43In Australia...
33:44Sting and Jonathan Creekman,
33:46that's the end.
33:48And they're going in this internal flight
33:50in Australia,
33:50so not a long flight,
33:51and he knelt on his seat
33:52talking to the person behind him
33:53the whole flight
33:54so everyone on the plane
33:54could see him for the whole...
33:56And he didn't do a single song,
33:57not one song.
33:58LAUGHTER
33:58Was he not just doing yoga?
34:00He was sat there,
34:01but his head was fully...
34:02LAUGHTER
34:03LAUGHTER
34:05Finally, 22nd of November 1963,
34:07who died then?
34:08Kennedy.
34:09Right, so JFK,
34:10that was obviously huge news.
34:12The American president died.
34:13As it happens,
34:15two very distinguished authors
34:16died on the same day.
34:18Both British, as it happens,
34:20C.S. Lewis and Aldous Huxley
34:21both died on the same day as Kennedy,
34:23so both got rather
34:25dainty-wainty little obituaries.
34:28Now, how can you get a German
34:30on your side
34:30before he's even had his cornflakes?
34:34Allow him to put his towel
34:35over them first.
34:38That might definitely do it.
34:39This is a reference
34:40to a very specific operation
34:41in the Second World War,
34:42and it was called Operation...
34:44Cornflakes.
34:45Operation Cornflakes, exactly.
34:47Put the milk in the bowl first
34:48because it's more...
34:50Maddens them.
34:51Does it?
34:52No, no, no.
34:54Really?
34:55No.
34:56You can tell me anything now
34:58and I'll believe you.
34:59This is an ingenious method
35:00of distributing Allied propaganda.
35:02What they'd do is
35:03a bomber would bomb
35:04a mail train in Germany
35:05and a second plane
35:07would come along
35:08and drop
35:10tonnes and tonnes
35:11of fake mail
35:13addressed in real German addresses
35:15that was filled
35:16with anti-German propaganda
35:17and the stamps,
35:18some of the stamps were even...
35:20You can see the one
35:20on the far right.
35:23They looked so like
35:24the real one.
35:25That says
35:26Futschesreich
35:26ruined empire
35:28and it has Hitler
35:29as a skull
35:30and those were
35:31the normal stamps
35:31that the German Empire
35:33had at the time.
35:34A group in Rome
35:35prepared envelopes
35:36with more than
35:36two million names
35:37and addresses
35:38and the whole point
35:39was that the train
35:40had appeared to be derailed
35:42and the people
35:42had come to rescue
35:43all the mail
35:44and they'd see amongst it
35:45these mailbags
35:46that were identical
35:47to proper German
35:48postal mailbags
35:49that had been dropped
35:50by the second Allied bomber
35:52and they were in fact
35:53addressed to
35:54hundreds of thousands
35:55of people
35:55telling them
35:55they were losing the war
35:56that Hitler was lying to them.
35:58It was known
35:58as Operation Cornflakes
35:59because they opened
36:00their letters
36:00with their cornflakes
36:01as it were.
36:02That's quite interesting
36:03didn't you?
36:04Quite interesting.
36:04But it's time
36:05I think
36:05for a dubious theory.
36:08A dubious theory
36:10from Stephen Fry.
36:12Yes.
36:14According to
36:15Dutch writer
36:15Iman Wilkins
36:17the Trojan War
36:18actually took place
36:19in England
36:20near Cambridge.
36:21The area
36:22which Homer calls
36:23Crete
36:23was Scandinavia
36:24Sparta
36:25was Spain
36:26and Lesbos
36:27was the Isle of Wight.
36:29dubious or not
36:30read out the arguments
36:31at
36:32trojanshmogen.co.uk
36:34and then decide
36:35for yourself.
36:36A dubious theory
36:38from Stephen Fry.
36:40Is that a website
36:41that's been set up
36:42by the elves?
36:43Yes it is.
36:43It is.
36:44But it basically
36:44assembles all the facts
36:46which people
36:46who genuinely
36:47adhere to this theory
36:48that the Trojan War
36:49really does not seem
36:51to qualify
36:52for a Greek war.
36:53For example
36:54there's no mention
36:54of any Greeks
36:55anywhere.
36:56Troy's attackers
36:57are referred to
36:58as Danaans
36:59and Achaeans
37:00who could be Danes
37:01could be people
37:02from Argos
37:03the kingdom
37:03of northern France
37:05and Homer's Troy
37:06also has a climate
37:07which is very
37:07un-Mediterranean
37:08full of storms
37:09and wind
37:10and rain
37:11and
37:12But Stephen
37:12were this true
37:13would we not have
37:15relics
37:16all around
37:17East Anglia
37:18swords and helmets
37:19and that kind of thing?
37:20And a massive
37:20rotten old horse
37:21and a rotten old horse
37:23in Cambridge city centre.
37:26Exactly.
37:26There are
37:27counter arguments
37:28and most people
37:29will believe
37:30that it is dubious.
37:32Sanakali
37:32in Turkey
37:33is generally believed
37:34to be
37:34the archaeological site
37:35of Ilium
37:36or Troy
37:36but there are
37:37serious historians
37:38who maintain
37:39that Homer
37:40was writing
37:40about a Trojan War
37:42that in fact
37:43took place
37:43in Britain
37:44in East Anglia
37:45would you believe?
37:46All right
37:47what kind of hat
37:48did they wear
37:49in the Wild West?
37:50Ten gallon hat.
37:51Ten gallon hat.
37:55Five gallon hat?
37:57No, no.
37:58Oh no, of course
37:58because now it's litres
37:59isn't it?
38:00No.
38:0145 litres.
38:02No, no litres of gallon.
38:04Was it a Stetson?
38:05It wasn't a Stetson?
38:06No.
38:08The most popular hat
38:09by far
38:10in the...
38:11Oh, a flat cap.
38:12No.
38:13No, no.
38:14It was the other...
38:15No, no.
38:16A bowler hat.
38:18Yes, a bowler hat
38:19is the right answer.
38:20Far away.
38:23There we are.
38:25We think of the bowler hat
38:27as the British businessman
38:27but in fact
38:28it was the preferred hat
38:29in the West
38:30and that's a pretty wild bunch
38:32there.
38:32Butch Cassidy
38:33seated front right,
38:35Sundance kid,
38:36Harry Longboar
38:36of course
38:37front left.
38:37In fact
38:38their pride
38:39in having their photographs
38:40taken with those hats
38:41was their undoing
38:42because the Pinkerton agency
38:44reproduced the photographs
38:45and gave it to their agents
38:46who tracked them down
38:47and killed them.
38:49It was hat makers
38:50Thomas and William Bowler
38:51who created the hat
38:52but they weren't known
38:53as bowler hats
38:54in America
38:54nor are they to this day.
38:55What do they call them?
38:59Derbys.
39:00Derbys or derbys
39:01yes.
39:01Bowlers basically
39:02were much more common
39:03in the Wild West
39:04than Stetsons.
39:05Who fancies
39:06a shootout
39:07with a real life
39:08vortex cannon?
39:10I've given you
39:11one each next
39:12you've got a box
39:13see that box there
39:14it's simply a box
39:16all right
39:16now the hole
39:17is where
39:19the vortex
39:20emerges
39:21so if you lean it
39:23so that the hole
39:23is pointing
39:24at the target
39:25all right
39:26and basically
39:26what you've got to do
39:27is smack
39:29the side of the box
39:30all right
39:30after a three
39:31two
39:32one
39:33smack
39:35very good
39:36there you are
39:37now
39:43what what
39:44yeah
39:47but what we
39:49can
39:49yes
39:49what we can do
39:51before you destroy the box
39:52before you destroy the box
39:59you can do something
40:00even more exciting
40:02and that is
40:02fill it with smoke
40:03and it will demonstrate
40:04what in fact
40:05was happening
40:06with the air
40:06you should all have
40:07smoke machines
40:11that's it
40:12fill it with smoke
40:13fill it with smoke
40:14fill it with smoke
40:15and now
40:16look
40:18look at that
40:19oh damn it
40:22just a gentle tap
40:23that is a vortex
40:24this beautiful smoke ring
40:25and
40:27a lovely one there
40:34I've got an enormous cannon here
40:37and I've got a fill moment
40:43I'll see if I can get mine across the
40:45across the
40:46you can chase each other
40:47across the room
40:48here
40:48there we go
40:50I've got the one we're around
40:59we'll let the smoke drift a little
41:04we don't like a big dustbin
41:09it's simply pressure of air creating this wonderful vortex
41:13no it's not it's magic
41:14nice one
41:16hey with this kind of magic
41:18we could work the tiny people big again
41:20yes
41:32there we are
41:36basically ladies and gentlemen
41:38that's it
41:38hours of fun can be had
41:40playing with your own
41:42homemade
41:44and I suppose
41:46it must be time now
41:47for me
41:48to give
41:48the scores
41:49and how interesting they are
41:52in first place
41:53with minus five
41:54is Ross Noble
42:00second in call
42:01with minus six
42:02Alan Davis
42:03and Johnny
42:09and a slightly unhappy
42:11shappy
42:12with minus 17
42:22lovely smoke rings
42:25so that's all from
42:26Shappy, Johnny, Ross, Alan and me
42:27and I will leave you with this
42:29from Abraham Lincoln
42:30the trouble with quotes
42:31taken from the internet
42:32is that you can never know
42:34if they're genuine
42:35thank you
42:36and good night
42:36thank you
42:37I'll do it
42:37and yeah
42:37thank you
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