- 9 hours ago
First broadcast 7th August 2014.
When her alcoholic boss Andy is sacked lazy Hannah seeks to impress his successor Annette Walker by claiming that, like Annette's son Charlie, her brother Dan is also in a wheelchair.
Charlotte Ritchie - Hannah
Tom Stourton - Dan
Tracy-Ann Oberman - Annette
David Proud - Charlie
Steve Brody - Andy
Rob Carter - Writer
Matthew Steer - Kevin
Andy Dear - Darrell
Martin Brodie - Yurki (as Martin Brody)
Leon Corbin - Diner
Amra Mallassi - Ranji Vyas
When her alcoholic boss Andy is sacked lazy Hannah seeks to impress his successor Annette Walker by claiming that, like Annette's son Charlie, her brother Dan is also in a wheelchair.
Charlotte Ritchie - Hannah
Tom Stourton - Dan
Tracy-Ann Oberman - Annette
David Proud - Charlie
Steve Brody - Andy
Rob Carter - Writer
Matthew Steer - Kevin
Andy Dear - Darrell
Martin Brodie - Yurki (as Martin Brody)
Leon Corbin - Diner
Amra Mallassi - Ranji Vyas
Category
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TVTranscript
00:03so three of them go in the back they just look like normal guys you know glasses trench coats
00:08then the girl drops her back and suddenly it is like wait wait hold on when did this happen
00:17uh 1999 i think then they did reloaded and then revolutions have you just been describing the
00:23matrix to me for 20 minutes you said it was a real story i said it could be that's sort
00:29of the point
00:29of the whole film oh whatever oh i better get to work it's 10 30. i can't be too late
00:34come on sis stay
00:37you said your boss doesn't care when you turn up i said he doesn't remember when i turn up
00:41one of the perks of having your department run by an alcoholic that and the time you filled the
00:45water dispenser with ouzo oh my god seriously though it's taken ages but i finally figured out
00:50how to do zero work but still keep my job the trick is to get in exactly six minutes after
00:55andy's had his mid-morning bourbon that way his head's still a bit fuzzy okay fine but while
01:00you're at work what am i supposed to do i have been so bored this week yesterday i took apart
01:06all the
01:07plug sockets day before that had a yogurt in the bath what now dan it's not my fault you don't
01:12have
01:12anyone to hang out with fine but if i choke to death trying to see how many forks i can
01:16fit in my
01:17mouth i'm gonna blame you
01:42sorry i'm late boss um i brought you a coffee
01:45it's got a shot of bailey's in it just the way you like it oh thank you hannah
01:50well i'm actually on my way out for good you're leaving the powers that be have spoken hannah and
01:56they've said you've got a problem and you are running this place into the ground
02:01well what happens now well they mentioned something about rehab no for me i mean are you coming back
02:09no but i'm sure they've got a replacement lineup a replacement someone a bit more switched on
02:14unless frighteningly incompetent no come on andy we've got to fight this you are the best boss i've
02:21ever had really yes i mean okay so you got drunk and pissed yourself in a couple of meetings so
02:28what
02:28who hasn't what other boss would let me take a week off just to finally nail down my summer look
02:33that means a lot hannah you've always stuck by me even when you caught me spanking it in the
02:38conference room what no that that wasn't me see i'm just not switched on
02:50oh that feels good
02:58sorry if i sit here
03:06what are you working on uh it's uh it's a screenplay oh that is so cool i've been meaning to
03:16get on that
03:16stuff i had an idea for a film set entirely in space
03:25how long have you been working on that about uh 18 months
03:30sorry i really need to focus oh sure
03:33i'll tell you
03:40dude you're a film buff what's your take on the theory going around that every keanu reeves film
03:46is actually set within the matrix that's why he plays all the characters the same way
03:57hey mate
03:58oh
04:03please don't i'm joking i'm joking
04:09backed up right
04:11you should always back up
04:35i've been everywhere there's cinema bowling
04:43alley hospital hospital yeah but it was a total flop although i did manage to swipe a bunch of
04:51stuff that used to make leg casts
04:53what's all this
04:55oh i'm just talking my new head of department
04:58wait what happened to boozy andy did his liver explode even worse he got fired it's so unfair
05:04he was a functioning alcoholic they're the best kind they're fun and they get shit done
05:09now i've got to start all over again with this new woman annette walker so what are you looking for
05:14just anything i can use to schmooze get on a good side early like i did with andy the problem
05:19is
05:19there are loads of different annette walkers on linkedin this one went to the university of
05:23hull this one's from costa rica i'm gonna have to learn all of this when i need to remember
05:27something i just squeeze my fists real tight oh my god oh yeah this is biscuits
05:33met him in the park we hung out a bit he sort of followed me home
05:38dan please get rid of him now now come on biscuits is fine yesterday i saw a mouse kill his
05:44whole family
05:46do you guys like sesame yeah right i'll get rid of him after dinner
05:57hi annette i just wanted to introduce myself i'm hannah the executive team assistant brought
06:03you a nice cup of joe oh well that's great thank you hannah yeah the beans come all the way
06:08from costa
06:09rica beautiful part of the world don't you think i've never been cool cool
06:18still not many costa ricans at the university of hull a fantastic institution that bloody linkedin invite
06:26and my cousin just because she started making miniature figurines out of candle wax i think
06:30she's a business woman so you're not on linkedin then sorry hannah is there something i can help you
06:34with or no i just wanted to come and introduce myself and see how you were settling in
06:38oh slowly but surely i've got to say andy's left this department in a real mess literally i mean
06:45most of those cabinets were just full of banana peel and turkish delight yeah that was his hangover
06:50cure to be honest i'm worried the whole system's going to need an overhaul overhaul that sounds
06:55serious i mean looking at these appraisals kevin's position basically encompasses your job i mean if
07:00that's true we're just throwing money away then again they were all covered in rum so who knows what to
07:05believe well i think there's room for both me and kevin i mean yes kevin can be incompetent and
07:13very homophobic so i guess if one of us had to go well i'm sure i'll figure it out oh
07:19while you're
07:20here angela is away so if you could outline all her 2014 policies by the end of the day that
07:26would be
07:27great you want me to do all of these by two no i want them done by six oh yeah
07:33six obviously six pm
07:35when i normally leave the office
07:49what is it dan i've written a rap from the perspective of a slaughtered cow what i figured
07:55i'd try writing a rap it's from the perspective
07:57that i'm way too busy it turns out i just spent the whole weekend looking up facts about costa rica
08:02for nothing just give you the first verse this is serious dan i've got to figure this out
08:06otherwise she's gonna realize i don't do anything around here and she's gonna get rid of me
08:11oh she's talking to kevin i've got to go
08:16hey gang what's the goss uh kevin's taking me through the old liability data like i say i don't
08:22know if this is too much but i've got the last five years figures together no this is really useful
08:27kevin what was that thing you were saying the other week about how gay people shouldn't be allowed
08:30to live by the seaside well i i don't think that was me anyway annette if you want i can
08:40always stay
08:41behind for an hour or so we could go over them oh no not tonight i'm meeting my son charlie
08:46for dinner
08:46i'm picking up my company car at lunch it's being refitted refitted yeah he's in a wheelchair
08:52oh god i had to go through the same thing when my mother-in-law moved out such a pain
08:56oh yes yeah
08:57yeah yeah i also know how that feels really uh-huh big time my brother is in a wheelchair also
09:04you never said anything about your brother you've never asked kevin i actually live with him we're
09:08pretty close oh that's actually him now sorry to take this at work it's just he's probably a bit
09:16bored finds it quite hard meeting people you wanted to beef well you got one now
09:23he's a real inspiration how old is your brother hannah oh he's 23 same age as my charlie piss off
09:30you look way too young to have a son who's 23 you are a stone cold milf no offense and
09:36i'm taken
09:37what are you and your brother doing tonight uh nothing well you should come for dinner with me
09:42and charlie i mean he's always got something or other going on i'm sure he'd be happy to introduce
09:46your brother to a few people well hey i am not taking no for an answer then i i guess
09:53that is what's
09:53happening then great uh you you know i i mean i could always come along too i'm sure my mother
09:59-in-law's
09:59free no another time
10:17what are you doing i gave the television a cast okay fine whatever look what are you up to tonight
10:24do you fancy coming to dinner with me and my boss and her son charlie yeah definitely cool
10:32there is one other thing uh i kind of need you to pretend to be in a wheelchair no problem
10:41really just like that you're not even gonna ask me why whatever it is i'm on board but my boss
10:45thinks that you're cinema i kind of do need to say more because i've said i've got this you get
10:50the
10:50chair i'll handle the rest dan and i'm way ahead of you how can that be true you've literally just
10:55found out about this oh you could have got me a nicer chair i mean this thing is falling apart
11:02it's only because you keep trying to do wheelies look let's just get our story straight before they
11:06turn up i was jet skiing in puerto rico you were 16 it was a part-time job somebody backed
11:13into you
11:13with a forklift and we didn't get any compensation right which is why i've got such a shitty chair
11:19i like it maybe my co-workers throw an annual banquet in my honor focus i swear if i lose
11:25my job
11:25i will put your organs up for sale on ebay hannah hi i am so sorry we're late hi hi
11:30i'm dan hi nice
11:32to meet you charlie nice to meet you hi hi hi those are sweet ass headphones oh thanks got them
11:40last
11:40summer at this gadget expo out in japan literally every word in that sentence was cooler than the one
11:44before hannah let's swap honestly opposite charlie so what were you doing out in japan did you bump
11:54into any sumo wrestlers no i was out there for work i developed video games shut the up that has
12:00literally been my dream job since i was five except for two weeks when i wanted to be a circus
12:06strong
12:06man pretty sweet job just stick on headphones and bash out code all day the thing about kevin
12:11is he's very very unreliable and he's constantly taking time off work because he's got ringworm
12:17really if you ever get the chance look inside his desk because it is packed full of ointments
12:21honestly i don't think there's ever a time where he's not applying some kind of cream to himself
12:26well it's really good to get a bit of inside knowledge sometimes as a new boss you can feel a
12:31bit like the outsider hey i'll be your eyes and ears on the ground say the word and i'll be
12:36any body
12:36part you want speaking of code have you ever heard the theory that every keanu reeves movie is in fact
12:42actually set within the matrix right it's probably why acts the same in every film do you want to come
12:49over and watch them all tomorrow oh sorry i can't tomorrow i've got a basketball match you play basketball
12:54as well is there anything you can't do well except for obviously you know well if you want you know
13:01come watch us play we made it to the semis well i have got a semi right now because that
13:06is the
13:07best idea i have ever heard annette your son is a whiz kid thank you so much for inviting me
13:13oh i've
13:14actually um been having a bit of a rough time recently all right i'm i'm really sorry to hear that
13:21hannah if you ever need any extra help or some time off you just ask yeah oh thank you
13:28ever since the accident it has been quite hard juggling things how long ago was it seven years
13:34six last year was um six years so um seven overall do you want to know how it happened no
13:41i don't think
13:41they need to know i was jet skiing in puerto rico and i picked up this girl who's basically a
13:46model
13:46um we were getting hot and heavy oh not relevant just a dynamite body i'm telling you when suddenly this
13:52huge wave comes and just tips the whole thing over anyway there's a child in the water so i dive
13:59in
13:59to try and save him but the jet ski crushes my leg and the boy dies right there in my
14:07arms oh
14:10you know what i still don't regret trying now as for my left leg same thing exactly the same thing
14:19thank god he survived to tell that incredible story shall we get the bill can we take a look
14:27at the customer satisfaction figures dating back to 06 you can see that pattern developing there i think
14:34there's a lot we can learn from this as we move into the next year i just think it's a
14:37case of
14:38checking in with the consumer at every step thank you kevin okay i think that's everything thank you
14:44team hannah can you stay behind a second hey is this about last night if i'd known you were going
14:52to
14:52pay the bill i never would have ordered two mains oh no don't be silly i had a great time
14:55charlie too
14:56i think he and dan really hit it off you're kidding i haven't seen dan that happy since
15:01he realized the platypus was a real animal oh that's great no listen i've got to attend this
15:06miserable industry conference in woking but they said that i could invite a member of staff so i
15:11thought maybe you really my full disclosure is going to be as dull as sin but we do get to
15:17spend
15:17the night in a hotel so i thought the cheap slippers and mini jams might make up for it well
15:22in that case
15:22i am definitely in oh by the way did you manage to get angela's policy figures for me ah no
15:28i did not
15:30sorry um i was working on them but then something came up with dan so don't worry i'll get somebody
15:37else to do it maybe kevin that would be ideal let's just hope he doesn't get his cream all over
15:44them
15:53right hey sis charlie just sent me this hilarious link to a japanese game show it's just four guys
16:00in caftans punching an octopus sounds fun but i've got to go pack me and nanette are going on a
16:06road
16:07trip tomorrow really yeah well technically it's a work conference but my plan to get close to her
16:12totally worked today she took me for lunch and we spoke for like two hours and she told me like
16:17really personal stuff like what i don't know i wasn't really listening but she was crying
16:21so it must have been important that's great you and annette are hitting it off while me and charlie
16:26are bro-ing out actually i've got to get going where are you off to i'm going to watch charlie
16:32in
16:32the semi-final and then i'm going to have a drink with his team afterwards you're meeting up with him
16:36again yeah of course he's my best mate dan you only met him yesterday what if he finds out you
16:41don't
16:41really need a wheelchair i'll be careful i promise dan i've got a sweet thing going here and i don't
16:46need
16:46you screwing it up i'm not going to screw anything up dan aren't you forgetting something
16:52oh yeah can i borrow some money
16:56oh fuck the chair nice save
17:07well played guys we're in tomorrow's final you should all be proud of yourselves honestly watching
17:11you guys zip around out there was amazing all of you could hit the next olympics well
17:15paralympics god daryl you're so negative i think you should be captain not depressing daryl over
17:24there oh no oh before i forget i've got something for you what is it my company are making a
17:30new
17:30video game and keanu reeves is playing one of the characters he's a ninja surfer that's the beta version
17:41i have a question charlie what are you doing from now until one of us dies because as of this
17:47moment you are literally my best friend thanks buddy maybe we should make it official have a
17:51sleepover or something not a sleepover just you me and a couple of sleeping bags although i'm pretty
17:57sure we wouldn't get much sleeping done because we're watching films and stuff not sex
18:06cheers
18:07look at all these name tags check it out annette i'm randy buyers do i make you randy baby
18:18that's my name tag oh sorry randy um great name so what have we got to look forward to today
18:27then
18:27uh let's see oh two hours of advances in admin followed by manageable metrics and then
18:34oh a complimentary lunch of either salad or egg salad wait that can't be right no i told you these
18:39things are dire we could sneak off to the hotel bar and grab a quick drink might make these lectures
18:44a bit more bearable i used to do it all the time at uni okay just one but what happens
18:51at the conference
18:51stays at the conference
19:00that's
19:02johnny johnny hey man glad you can make it wouldn't miss it for anything hey i've uh got you a
19:09little
19:09something as a thank you for that video game which by the way is awesome piano smashes it like he
19:15always
19:16does oh it's a necklace it's a locket inside there's a picture of me and you yeah
19:23i use photoshop so we're both dressed as pharaohs sorry i'm late that's all right babe
19:29dan this is my girlfriend tess hi listen i better go warm up wish me luck babe good luck
19:47you got this charlie looking good over here
19:51woohoo come on tess pick it up let's go charlie charlie
19:59two more signature cocktails for your key's favorite customers
20:05i tell you what ladies these two are on the house
20:08but shh i only do that for the beautiful people
20:16holy shit i think yucky's got a thing for you and by thing i mean raging boner oh come
20:21off it hannah i'm pretty sure he's just fishing for a bigger tip
20:25besides i'm off that sort of thing anyway what sort of thing oh men
20:30i mean the most exciting thing in my life is conferences like this who am i gonna meet bloody
20:35rangy vias oh sorry rangy
20:42listen annette you are an amazing woman okay you are super successful you've raised a great kid and
20:48your boobs are kicking gravity in the ass and i'm not just saying that because you're my boss i mean
20:53it well thanks hannah it's okay i'm related but could i have a day off next week i need to
21:00buy a new
21:00television oh so we'll talk about it on monday now what would you say to another drink i would say
21:06get in my mouth you delicious drink yucky two more my good man
21:22why did they stop the game pikes bust his wrist we got no subs the ref says we're gonna have
21:28to
21:28forfeit we're so close put me in really have you ever played only like every night in my dreams
21:38but no never in real life listen charlie we can't just give up now not after we've come this far
21:45you're
21:45sure trust me i can do this okay come on
21:59come on guys hey charlie don't worry i'm getting the hang of this
22:08you're gonna have to do this okay
22:25two more free cocktails please it's not possible
22:28i'm afraid my shift is over oh boom no but perhaps we can carry on the party elsewhere
22:39sweet our rooms are just upstairs i don't know hannah so maybe we should just like call it a night
22:44oh come on you're always saying how you want more excitement in your life well
22:48knock knock who's there it's excitement let me in annette it'll be like an after party
22:54i mean it is only 8 45 but we have been drinking for six solid hours so it still counts
23:00oh all right
23:06guys we've got 15 seconds to go and we're one point down
23:09it's now or never charlie i want you press sorry can i do something not long ago i was out
23:16on the
23:16atlantic clinging to a jet ski beautiful model in one arm dying child in the other so i know a
23:23little
23:23something about adversity you want to know why we're losing out there you keep giving the ball away
23:29and missing passes it's heart they've got it we don't now i've only been on this team for
23:38eight minutes but i've honestly never felt more a part of anything in my entire
23:42life i believe in all of you especially my best friend charlie so i'm asking you i'm begging you
23:49let's do this for friendship let's do this for charlie
23:57don't touch the ball you don't touch the ball
24:05yes yes
24:17come on
24:19come on
24:35DAAAIN!
24:36WHOO!
25:04Play, mate.
25:11I don't know what was in those cocktails, Yerky, but my pee is fluorescent now.
25:16What did I miss?
25:18Yerky was just telling me about his life back in Madeira.
25:21It is tragic.
25:23Yes, my little brother, he is sick.
25:25He has lupus, the wolf disease.
25:29Every week I send him back money for the treatment.
25:32Our parents are gone, and I am all he has left.
25:37Bummer.
25:38Do you know, when I got pregnant, my boyfriend did a runner the minute he found out.
25:44It's been just me and Charlie on our own ever since then.
25:49Your boyfriend is a fool.
25:55Your eyes are like beautiful paintings of ice.
26:04Mmm.
26:07Mmm.
26:09Mmm.
26:09Mmm.
26:10Okay, guys, I'm just gonna slip away.
26:12Slip.
26:17Mmm.
26:42Annette.
26:42Hannah.
26:44Just thought I'd pop by to give you this.
26:47You left before I woke up.
26:48Yeah, well, I just, um, just wanted to get back home early and, you know, make a start at some
26:53work and have several showers.
26:55I just thought that maybe we need to talk about what happened at the conference between you and I and
27:01Yerky.
27:02No.
27:03No, I don't think we need to talk about that.
27:05It's just that I'm your boss and, um, if anyone were to find out about, you know, I just think
27:11it may reflect poorly on me as the senior figure in the office who, uh, what, Dan?
27:19Annette!
27:21How's it going?
27:22Oh, Charlie hasn't been replying to any of my IMs, so if you see him, can you tell him Dan
27:28says really sorry about the whole wheelchair thing?
27:32I don't know what it means.
27:37I would totally understand if you fired me, like, right now, but it would be a shame for what happened
27:46at the conference.
27:47Not to stay at the conference.
27:53You are so lucky we had that threesome.
28:18You are so happy to see him, like,이거, aos,� 사board.
28:29What?
28:30What?
28:31Amen.
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