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TVTranscript
00:28Transcription by CastingWords
00:30Honey, I'm home.
01:07Well, there she is.
01:10Caroline Foxworth.
01:12Who could resist beauty like that?
01:14She has it all.
01:16A perfectly smooth complexion with just a hint of a nose.
01:20The kind of aqua scales a guy could get lost in.
01:24And a tail that wraps right around my heart.
01:28I mean, I've asked girls out before, but how do you approach a reptilian goddess?
01:35Huh?
01:41Pardon me.
01:47The name's Sinclair.
01:49Robert Sinclair.
01:55Nah.
01:56That bites.
01:57She'd see right through that.
01:58It's got to be something more real, more believable.
02:06Hello, gorgeous.
02:06Me and the lads are heading back to trash the hotel room.
02:09Like to come along?
02:17Oh, my goodness.
02:19Are you okay?
02:21Oh, yeah, yeah.
02:22I'm fine.
02:22I, uh...
02:23Good.
02:35Well, it's a start.
02:37I talk to her.
02:38She knows who I am.
02:39Yeah, everybody knows.
02:40You're a complete idiot.
02:41Hey, it's okay to make mistakes.
02:43It's part of growing up.
02:45Yeah, it's part of growing up a complete idiot.
02:47Okay, you're so smart.
02:48What do you say to girls?
02:50How do I know?
02:51I'm you.
02:52Oh.
02:52Huh?
02:53Well, unfortunately, I'm all booked up for Friday and Saturday night.
02:56But, uh, how about the, uh, Sunday matinee?
03:00Oh, Spike.
03:02Um, apparently, that's what you say to girls.
03:04Yeah, but that's Spike.
03:06You know, he's sleazy, slimy.
03:07Hey.
03:08He's booked up for the weekend.
03:09But I'm much better looking than him.
03:11Hey.
03:12No argument here.
03:15What am I doing?
03:17She's making me crazy.
03:18I'm talking to my locker.
03:20Ah.
03:20I gotta forget about Caroline Foxworth.
03:23Forget about girls.
03:24Who needs them?
03:25I'll have more time for studying.
03:27My friends, my family.
03:29Wussy.
03:29Huh?
03:31Duh.
03:41To which Lord Burlington replied, Madam, that is not my wife.
03:45That is the Archbishop.
03:47Oh, that would explain his reluctance to dance with me.
03:50Yes.
03:50That and his dreadful taste in hats.
03:53Oh, dear.
03:57Hey.
03:57Hey, Freddy.
03:58You gotta see this puppet show.
03:59It's terrific.
04:01Oh, that's for kids.
04:02Yeah, you'd think that because they're puppets.
04:04So the show seems to have a children's aesthetic.
04:07Yet the dialogue is unquestionably sharp-edged, witty, and thematically skewed to adults.
04:12Oh, dear.
04:17Oh, dear.
04:18See you, lassie and laddie.
04:20Hello.
04:20Where is that athletic son of yours?
04:22He's here.
04:22Well, he's...
04:23Hello, Mommy and Daddy.
04:24He's here.
04:25I am...
04:25Look who I brought home for dinner.
04:28I am definitely...
04:30Oh, don't you bring a pair of hoes into this house?
04:36I'm telling you, friend, this show works on two levels.
04:39They look like puppets.
04:41I'm not watching.
04:43Gonna make you sleep.
04:47Hello, Mom.
04:49Hello, Dad.
04:49It's good to be home.
04:50How are you?
04:51We're fine, dear.
04:52How was your day?
04:53Fine.
04:53And it wasn't humiliating, it wasn't degrading, and it certainly wasn't emasculating, okay?
04:57Okay.
04:59That's not what I heard.
05:00What did you hear, Charlene?
05:02Well, I don't think Robbie would want me to tell you, Ma.
05:04It's really pretty embarrassing.
05:05Oh, I understand.
05:06So here's what happened.
05:08Robbie's got the hots for Caroline Foxworth, and she's totally out of his league.
05:12So today he tried to ask her out, and that meant he had to put a few sentences together,
05:15and of course, that was the end of that.
05:19Earl, I think he may need a father-son talk.
05:22How come I always have to do those?
05:23There are times when a boy needs a strong male influence.
05:27Now get in there!
05:28Yes, dear.
05:31Son, your mother thinks it's time we had a father-son talk.
05:35So?
05:36If we just sit here quietly for a few minutes and move our mouths, we'll both be off the hook.
05:40That's fine with me.
05:44And now back to Love Confession.
05:47So, Sandra, tell us about your date with Bob.
05:50Well, Chuck, he picked me up at 8, and he wasn't very good-looking.
05:54He tried to kiss me, and he was a really bad kisser.
05:57Huh?
05:58I don't think he'd ever been out with a girl before.
06:00He kept telling jokes that weren't funny at all.
06:03To tell the truth, Chuck, I felt sorry for him.
06:06Well, Sandra, let's see how Bob felt about the evening.
06:14Maybe we should talk.
06:16Dad, when you were my age, did you have a lot of experience with girls?
06:20Hey, when it came to sowing wild oats, I was quite the seamstress.
06:24So, what do girls want, anyway?
06:26Ah, the age-old question.
06:29What do girls want?
06:30Uh, well, first of all, you can forget anything we want, which basically leaves, uh, curtains.
06:40Curtains?
06:42It's inexplicable, son, but that's what they want, and they want them in every room.
06:46But if we have nothing in common with them, why do we spend our whole lives letting them drive us
06:51crazy?
06:51Ah, I've often asked that myself.
06:54After all, males are most at home in the company of other males.
06:57Take Roy, for example.
06:59He's my best friend.
07:00We have a lot in common.
07:02But whenever I see him at night, when the moonlight bathes his face in a soft, romantic glow,
07:07it always sends me running right home to your mother.
07:10Yeah.
07:11So, how did you approach a female on your first date?
07:15Ah, first one.
07:16Well, I'll have to think back.
07:19Oh, yeah, I remember.
07:21I went up to her and I said,
07:23Hi, friend.
07:24Want to go out?
07:25And, well, she said yes.
07:27Then I asked her to marry me, so I'd never have to go through that again.
07:29And I said yes, because your father has what females are most attracted to in a male.
07:36Sensitivity.
07:38Sensitivity.
07:56Oh, jeez.
08:07Robbie, are you okay?
08:09Oh, it's just something I heard in science class.
08:12The continents, they're drifting apart.
08:15And I feel that somehow it's my fault.
08:19I guess I'm just a little sensitive.
08:22Robbie, I've never seen this side of you before.
08:25Yeah.
08:27It's really pathetic.
08:29Huh?
08:30Ugh.
08:33Nice technique.
08:34You learned that one from your mommy?
08:36Hey, I'm doing okay here.
08:38So come around, give her time.
08:40I don't know, kid.
08:41You wanted to come around in this lifetime,
08:43you might want to try something that works.
08:47Just for a change of pace.
08:48Oh, and you have all the answers?
08:49Oh, I think I know enough to get you, whoa, like how about any girl you want?
08:56Yeah, like how?
08:58Listen, Skippy, I have a busy schedule.
09:01Time is money.
09:02What do you want from me?
09:05Money.
09:06You expect me to pay you?
09:08You expect me to talk to you?
09:10That's crazy.
09:10I don't need your help that bad.
09:12Oh, the continents are drifting apart.
09:15That's very good.
09:19All right, all right.
09:20Uh, $10 to start, okay?
09:22Hmm.
09:24All right, that pays for the last five minutes.
09:26Oh, okay.
09:27This is a very popular young female.
09:30So you have to move in on the competition.
09:33Now, have you seen her talking to any other males?
09:37You mean like boyfriends?
09:38Any other males?
09:40Well, she was just talking to Mr. Pullman, the science teacher.
09:43Kill him.
09:45But couldn't I do something more romantic?
09:48Ah, hearts are romantic.
09:50You could tear his out and give it to her.
09:53Uh, I was thinking something more like an ID bracelet.
09:55Oh, no, the civilization thing has got you whipped good.
09:59Yeah, but isn't that what girls like?
10:02First of all, plate head.
10:03She's not a girl.
10:05She's an animal.
10:06You're an animal, so act like an animal.
10:09Whoa.
10:10So what am I supposed to do?
10:11Grunt at her?
10:12Ah, breakthrough.
10:15Yeah.
10:16Hey, there she is again.
10:18Here's your chance, Spocky.
10:21What do I do?
10:22Just growl?
10:23Growl.
10:24Give her a good sniff.
10:25You're an animal.
10:26Just do what comes natural.
10:29Okay.
10:30Yeah.
10:35Go on.
10:43Robbie, what are you doing?
10:46Uh...
10:52Hey, congratulations.
10:55You made a very big impression.
10:58She hit me.
10:59You got yourself some tail.
11:01Hmm?
11:02Yeah.
11:03Maybe I did.
11:04You're on your way, kid.
11:05Good luck.
11:06Bye-bye.
11:07Uh, wait, wait.
11:08I could use some more advice.
11:10Hmm.
11:11What a coincidence.
11:12I could use some more money.
11:15Okay.
11:22Okay.
11:23This is a house.
11:24This is a yard.
11:25This is a shrub.
11:26Yeah.
11:26We're here.
11:27Yeah.
11:27Yeah.
11:28All right, so I throw Pebbles at the window, she looks out, and then you hide behind the
11:34tree and whisper poems for me to say?
11:36Grow up, Scooter.
11:38Did you drink the water like I told you to?
11:41Yeah.
11:42Eight glasses.
11:43I sure could use a bathroom.
11:44That is why we're here, St. Clair.
11:47When a young male wants to claim a female, he stakes his claim by marking her territory.
11:53So, go ahead, knock yourself out.
11:59Um, okay.
12:01Uh, okay, okay, okay.
12:04Uh, uh, hey, I can't do this.
12:07Think about what's at stake.
12:09Think about Caroline.
12:11Think about putting your hand in some warm water.
12:17Uh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh.
12:20Now what's the matter?
12:21Uh, I can't mark territory when somebody's watching me.
12:25Fine, so start on the other side of the house.
12:29Oh, okay.
12:30And don't hit your shoes, or you're walking home alone.
12:33Gotcha.
12:36Attention!
12:37This is the police!
12:38Hey, we got company, St. Clair.
12:40Shake a leg.
12:43Oh, boy.
12:45Hey, you there!
12:47Somebody put a lot of love in that garden.
12:49You cut that out!
12:50I don't think I can.
12:51Hmm?
12:52All right!
12:53Hey!
12:54Come on out of there!
12:55Come on out of there!
12:57The fun's over, boys.
12:58You're under arrest.
12:59Come on!
13:00Hey!
13:01Hey, okay.
13:03George, grab that bush.
13:04It's evidence.
13:05Huh?
13:06You grab it!
13:10Hey, excellent work, St. Clair.
13:14Huh?
13:15You got her attention!
13:17Oh.
13:21Yeah, yeah, yeah!
13:23Oh!
13:26Come on!
13:30Oh, they're just boys, officer.
13:32That may be, Miss St. Clair, but the commission of a number one is a very serious offense.
13:39Well, then, let me handle this.
13:41Uh, officers, my wife doesn't understand the intricacies of the criminal justice system.
13:46I'm sure there's some sort of arrangement we could come to just between us.
13:52That's to everyone's mutual benefit.
13:55Are you trying to bribe us?
13:56Uh, no!
13:57Because we think you should.
13:59Yeah.
13:59Oh, so, what, I just hand you the cash?
14:03Right.
14:04And then we hand you these tickets to a charity event that was never held.
14:09Uh, I'm sure I had a good time.
14:10Uh, good night.
14:11Bye.
14:12Bye.
14:13Bye.
14:14Bye.
14:16Crooks.
14:17Uh, yeah.
14:19Oh, boy.
14:20What a day.
14:21Well, good night, everybody.
14:22Sit down.
14:22Oh.
14:23From this point on, you will speak only when spoken to.
14:26I have a few things to say to you and your hoodlum friend.
14:28Dad, do we have to listen to that?
14:29Robert, please, don't stop him.
14:32This is great.
14:33The mommy-daddy ritual, reading the riot act, putting your parental foot down.
14:38It's a beautiful thing.
14:40Do your stuff.
14:43This is how you choose to spend your evening?
14:45Breaking the law, making a nuisance of yourself?
14:47Excuse me.
14:48I gotta stop you there, Mr. Sinclair.
14:51Tonight's exploits were, in fact, not young Robert's fault.
14:56No?
14:57He's the victim of peer pressure.
14:59He's fallen in with a bad influence.
15:03Mm-hmm.
15:03Mm-hmm.
15:04I filled his head with a lot of questionable ideas.
15:08Can I get anybody anything?
15:11A brewski, Mr. Sinclair.
15:13Oh, thank you.
15:14Earl, the police just brought your son home.
15:18Let the man of the household handle this one, Fred.
15:21What?
15:21You go upstairs.
15:22Things will get pretty rough in here when I lay into these boys.
15:25Yeah.
15:27Yeah.
15:28Oh.
15:28Right.
15:29Hey, you want a glass with this?
15:31Oh, appreciate it.
15:32Now, where was I?
15:37You were pointing the fatherly finger of blame.
15:40And even though young Robbie was caught with his pants down, so to speak, he was merely pursuing
15:47the female of the species, and I'm sure even you as a youth fell prey to a well-turned tale.
15:55Am I right?
15:57Well, I may have played love's fool once or twice.
16:04That's what happened to me, Dad.
16:05Caroline Foxworth's on my mind all the time.
16:08I can't think straight.
16:09It's the ladies, Mr. Sinclair.
16:11We males are just the victims.
16:14They weave their spells.
16:15They confuse our minds.
16:17They break our hearts.
16:19And who ends up in trouble with the police?
16:24We do.
16:26Oh, you're right.
16:28Yes.
16:30All right, I'll see Daisy this.
16:31So, uh, glad to be of help, kid.
16:37I see it all now.
16:39It's all so clear.
16:41Earl, is everything all straightened out now?
16:43You bet it is.
16:45It was you.
16:46Me?
16:47You foul temptress.
16:49Weaver of spells.
16:51What?
16:51Don't try to cloud my mind.
16:53These boys are mere victims of the treachery of you females.
16:57Where's Spike?
16:59He's right.
17:02Did you let Spike just walk out of this room?
17:05Well, I...
17:06Did you lose control of the entire situation?
17:09I lose control?
17:10I'm the mighty Megalosaurus.
17:13Yes, dear.
17:15Robbie, go to your room.
17:17But Dad said I...
17:18I don't care what your father said.
17:19You're grounded until further notice.
17:20Okay, yes, ma'am.
17:21Yes, ma'am.
17:21Yes, ma'am.
17:23Grouch.
17:24Franny.
17:25Hi.
17:26You know, I'm sure Robbie didn't notice, but it's kind of embarrassing when you've undercut my authority like that.
17:34You're making that noise again, sweetheart.
17:36Just like the last time you were right and I was really, really wrong.
17:43I'm on the couch again tonight, aren't I, sweetheart?
17:44I can't believe it.
17:47I can't believe it.
17:48I can't believe it.
17:50Night-night.
17:51Dude.
17:53Oh, jeez.
17:58Open up.
17:59I don't like that.
18:00What?
18:03I don't like that.
18:10I don't like that.
18:12Eat this.
18:14Okay.
18:17All right, now look.
18:19Be a good baby brother and fall asleep or something.
18:21How come you're the babysitter?
18:23Because I got grounded.
18:25I'm your punishment?
18:26Yep.
18:27I like that.
18:28I'm happy you're happy.
18:30Why'd you get grounded?
18:31Because of this girl, Caroline.
18:33She nice?
18:34Yeah, she's pretty hot.
18:36Hot, don't touch.
18:37No, no, no.
18:37This is the kind of hot you want to touch.
18:40I don't get it.
18:41Neither do I.
18:43I'm home.
18:45Who cares?
18:46Uh, can I get you something?
18:48Juice, milk, eight glasses of water.
18:51Eat, tar, and die.
18:52You be nice or I won't tell you who I just saw at the mall.
18:55Who cares?
18:57Oh, you're not interested in Caroline Foxworth anymore?
18:59She's hot.
19:00What a touch.
19:01Spike thought so.
19:02He was like all over her.
19:04What?
19:05Oh, I upset you?
19:06What was I thinking?
19:07Oh, now I remember.
19:09Spike and Caroline talking together at the same table.
19:12I'm sure it was perfectly assent.
19:13That backstabbing lizard.
19:15He was taking advantage of the situation to move it on my girl.
19:17Oh, don't be ridiculous.
19:19It's not his fault you're grounded.
19:20Oh, wait.
19:21It is.
19:22I can't believe this.
19:23Ha!
19:24What a shame you got to sit here all night long worrying about it.
19:27Good night.
19:29Ugh.
19:31I don't get it.
19:36I heard you got thrown out of your old school because you ate the principal.
19:40I have a little problem with authority.
19:43Hey, you got a bigger problem than that.
19:46You talking to me, Squirt?
19:47I don't see any other backstabbing, bottom-feeding, scum-sucking maggot in this hall.
19:52Oh, such language.
19:54You kiss your mommy with that mouth.
19:57Oh, you're good.
19:58You got me grounded.
19:59Then you move right in.
20:01Pardon me a minute, my lovely.
20:03The boy needs a little adult supervision.
20:07Damn.
20:08Don't you need to get home and rotate the tires on your scooter?
20:12Scooter?
20:13Oh, yeah?
20:14Rotate this.
20:16Whoa.
20:23All right, all right.
20:24How's this for a primitive?
20:26Very impressive.
20:27Now toss me on the floor and kick me in the ribs.
20:29What?
20:30You wanted the girl.
20:31I'm getting you the girl.
20:32Now come on.
20:33Show her you're an animal.
20:35Kick me.
20:37Uh...
20:37Take...
20:38Oh!
20:39And this!
20:40Nice!
20:41And that!
20:42Nice.
20:44All right.
20:45I think you've had enough.
20:46Agreed.
20:46Just stay away from my female from now on.
20:49You got it.
20:51Ha.
20:52Ha.
20:52Thanks.
20:53Sorry you had to see that, little lady.
20:55So am I.
20:56That was unbelievably immature.
20:58What?
20:59What?
21:00You acted like a couple of wild animals.
21:02It was disgusting.
21:04Oh, come on.
21:05Girls like that.
21:06You're supposed to want to go out with me now.
21:08If you want to go out with me, why do all this phony, macho posturing?
21:12Why don't you just ask me out?
21:15Ha.
21:16Well, do you want to go out?
21:19No.
21:20Huh?
21:23She blew me off.
21:24Well, situations like this happen, Scooter.
21:27No one's to blame, sir.
21:29Not me.
21:30Hey.
21:30Hey.
21:31I want my money back.
21:31A fine display of male aggressiveness like that, and she walks away.
21:36Yeah, I...
21:36I tell you, Sinclair, civilization is killing romance.
21:40Hey, buddy, I want my money back.
21:43Look, we both know that's not going to happen.
21:45But for your investment so far, I'm prepared to offer you the following.
21:50Huh?
21:51You get to hang out with me.
21:53Why would I want to hang with you?
21:55Well...
21:55You didn't deliver.
21:56You didn't give me the girl.
21:56Hey, look, Scooter.
21:58I always get the girl.
22:00I never miss.
22:01I hang out with you.
22:02I miss.
22:03You're trouble for me.
22:04You're bringing my average down.
22:07What do you think we ought to do about that?
22:09Eh?
22:09You never miss?
22:11Nope.
22:12Not once?
22:13Ask around.
22:14Hey, maybe I just need to hang around with you a little more.
22:17Could be.
22:19I don't have any more money.
22:20You got any food in your house?
22:22Yeah.
22:23Well, we'll talk.
22:27Oh, Spike.
22:28Spike, where you going?
22:29I was going to your house.
22:31What kind of food you got?
22:32All kinds.
22:32You got any girls there?
22:34No.
22:34You're supposed to find me girls.
22:36Oh, yeah.
22:37That's what I do.
22:44Oh, yeah.
22:56I don't know.
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