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مسلسل Free Bert مترجم - Episode 1
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00:05Happy birthday to you, happy birthday to you, happy birthday dear Rob, happy birthday to
00:22you.
00:31Thank you guys so much for celebrating me tonight, it means the world to me, but now, the entertainment
00:38part of the night.
00:41America's favorite party boy comedian, the genius Bert Kreischer!
01:05Thank you, thank you, it's so nice to celebrate Rob's birthday with you guys.
01:10I absolutely adore this man, he is one of the greatest guys I've ever-
01:13Wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, I'm sorry, I'm sorry.
01:18Do it again.
01:20Do what?
01:21The shirt thing, just put it back on, take it off again.
01:23You want me to do it again?
01:24Yeah, yeah, yeah.
01:26It's my birthday.
01:28It's your birthday?
01:28Yeah, right?
01:29Who's with me?
01:30Who's with me?
01:42Throw that
01:44That fucking arrested.
01:47Take it off, kick it off, kick it off, kick it off, kick it off, take it off, take
01:56it off, kick it off.
02:04it's all they wanted on they flew me out here for this so i can take my shirt off 15
02:08fucking
02:08times i'll catch up with y'all in a second i'll see a drop off brief hi girl are you
02:12even listening
02:12to me what are you doing right now my new parent orientation bird this place is so incredible
02:18especially the ld department isla is going to thrive here this is what i'm talking about
02:23i should be there with you guys helping the girls get situated party with other dads and shit no
02:27it's okay really i got it and i'm missing it for this to be a stripper for rob low hey
02:32joshua
02:33leanne christ here we met at drop off the other day no did you just get dissed by another mom
02:38yeah
02:38these bitches don't mess around i hate to say it honey but we might have to up our game if
02:43we want
02:43to fit in here up our game oh we are who we are and we have to embrace that if
02:48they don't like us for
02:49who we are then fuck them i don't know sometimes you gotta get along to get along honey we gotta
02:53maintain our dignity right pretty boy you got one more shirt rip in you
02:57oh jesus christ this guy's insatiable yeah sure thing rob give me one second i'm just wrapping
03:01up all right i gotta go i love you yeah hello man thank you so much for coming up you
03:07crushed
03:07it of course dude happy to do it oh my god you are a funny funny man if you take
03:14that shirt
03:14off oh my god thank you how did you come up with it the shirt yeah yeah well i you
03:24know i i guess i'm
03:26more comfortable without a shirt why makes no sense right here's what i'm wondering what if you cut
03:35all the other stuff way down you mean the jokes the filler yeah i mean is it really necessary i
03:44mean
03:44it's it's really just a race to get the shirt off no and then a race again to put it
03:49back on so you
03:49take it off again yeah i don't i don't know if i ever looked at it like that i mean
03:54i don't want you
03:54not busting that motherfucker off 20 times a show i don't i don't know if my whole set could be
04:00that
04:00could it not i mean that's what's got them rolling in their seats and you know why because it's universal
04:08shirtless fat guy i mean it transcends language transcends culture it's funny in china it's funny
04:16in indonesia it's funny in a random mud hut in mozambique yeah yeah that's true but i i think
04:24people are coming to see me for more than me just taking my shirt off maybe but i think you
04:30need
04:30to ask yourself would they still come if you didn't anyway food for thought
05:00leanne
05:13all right girls come on get your stuff let's go hey what the fuck's going on here where are you
05:18guys
05:18going uh we have school oh wow i heard rob low treated you like a piece of meat he didn't
05:25treat
05:25me like a who told you that mom well i didn't say it in so many words i think i
05:30use more of like a
05:31dancing monkey analogy thanks hon you're not so upset about that are you i'm not upset but i'm just in
05:37my head about it it's like he flew me out we had drinks he laughed hysterically he says i'm his
05:42favorite comedian but i don't think he knows i do stand-up comedy hey hey don't let rob low get
05:47in
05:47your head but is that how people see me is that why they come to my shows you know what
05:51you're
05:51spinning out you just need to get out of your head take a break focus on something else like what
05:57i don't know anything like you guys no i mean no yeah sure yeah hang on that does make sense
06:04when you think about it there's a lot going on in this house new school and stuff well i don't
06:08know
06:08if that's the specific no when you're right you're right it's a good point here's what i can do
06:12get more hands-on with the family right dump all this manic energy on you guys oh what yeah wait
06:18why do you look hot i told you i'm up in my game we need to fit in at this
06:23school okay i'm gonna get
06:25involved we're gonna make friends we're all gonna play nice what's the fun in that do you want to
06:31learn how to read yeah like ever wow we're going there i have a learning disability oh here we
06:38go and you guys are shaming me for it what the actual hey hey hey we gotta tone that back
06:44and
06:44we gotta go we don't want to be late for drop off hold on can i do it let us
06:49leave please i need this
06:50okay i've got it you look you're exhausted no i want to go i oh you don't want me to
06:56go you guys
06:57didn't even wake me up you were going without me regardless you think i'm gonna fuck it up don't
07:02you i just don't want to mess up a good thing you know it's like with any relationship you leave
07:05with your best stuff and then once you get in you slowly reveal the ugly side on the ugly side
07:11obviously guys guys what are we talking about right now this is fucking drop off how can i
07:16fuck up drop off i'm sure you can find a way yeah you'll figure it out stop it i'm going
07:21i'm doing
07:22drop off i can do this i will do this can i please do this please can i do drop
07:27off no please come on
07:28i should drive at this point give me the keys no no thank you are you fucking serious do i
07:35need a
07:36shirt yeah yeah yeah yeah you need a shirt oh wow this school is fucking nice isla how much is
07:46tuition mom told me not to tell you so i can't sorry should i follow this around uh yeah oh
07:52cool
07:52there's a black kid oh all right do i get out or is this it this is definitely it okay
07:59i'm getting
08:00out
08:11what's going on with her why's no one talking to her because she's a major loser and has no
08:16friends really mom didn't tell me about that oh mom bless her heart she tries her best but she
08:21doesn't have your fastball no the fuck
08:33who's this bitch that's kirsten vanderthal pretty much runs the joint
08:41miss barklage three years running sounds important who's the stud with her 12 o'clock
08:47zach watch kiss model looks but personality total dead they've been together since looks great
08:55mm-hmm wow blowing right past her does anyone at this school know i'm her dad maybe i should uh
09:00take a lap no no i don't think that'll move the needle at all is there any other dad here
09:05that's been
09:05on kimmel six times look obviously i love your shit i talk you up in every circle but these kids
09:11man
09:12they live in a different world operate on different platforms okay i'll call my agent get on a twitch
09:17get on a live stream talk her up make her popular bob's your uncle it's not that easy even if
09:22you
09:22could get on one you'd have no idea what you're doing it's a whole different animal please you don't
09:26think i can handle it okay i didn't warn you okay hey have a great day i love you i
09:31love you i
09:32fucking love you i fucking love you drop off successful
09:48so we started huh is this it i don't know is it streaming oh yeah for about 30 minutes now
09:55for
09:55real oh yeah i appreciate you putting me on man you're really big over at parkledge academy
10:00where my daughter's at who's that my daughter's just we should probably talk a little bit about
10:04her oh shit i just got a text hold on hold on hold on yep send them in hey send
10:09them in we got we
10:10got a guest coming in what's up with my boy how you doing absolutely you know everybody's about
10:20hey man y'all already know pac-man up in these big for real though hell yeah pac-man you
10:25know park
10:26right hell yeah how you doing i'm a comedian you know i'm saying nice to meet you brother big fan
10:30i'm a huge fucking fan you guys got kids my daughter just transferred into barclays eighth
10:37grade cool remember those days good luck my boy right walk right into hand jobs
10:43that's the way it starts you know what i mean i don't know about that i don't know about that
11:00questioning it i went i did a private party for rob low and he just had me take my shirt
11:06off who the
11:06fuck is rob low is what i'm saying almost fire i don't have no idea who the fuck that is
11:11but do not
11:11listen to fucking rob low don't listen to rob yeah yeah fucking cory feldman told me to stop doing
11:16cocaine you think i did that's what you're talking about what the fuck is wrong with you
11:19hey but on the real though don't question that shit bro it's fucking gangster for real yes bro
11:25that's what i need to fucking hear you ain't got no fucks to give zero fucks no fucks zero game
11:30no shirt game no shirt game i'm fucking loving it
12:00hi
12:01hi
12:02Hi. Georgia, is it?
12:04Um, yeah.
12:06Kish and Vanderthal. This is Cameron, Lexi, and Fiona.
12:09Hi.
12:09Some hot gossip going around about you.
12:12Word is you've never given a handjob.
12:15What?
12:15What are you talking about?
12:17Where'd you hear that?
12:18Oh, my God.
12:20Wait, she doesn't know.
12:23Know what?
12:26Handjobs!
12:32That's too young.
12:33No, no, no, no, no, no.
12:34Georgia Chrysler, my daughter, does not jerk dudes off.
12:37I can promise you that.
12:38If someone broke into our house and had a gun in my head,
12:41they're like, I'm gonna kill every motherfucker in here
12:42unless someone give me a handjob.
12:44We're dead.
12:51Wow.
12:53There's a lot of rules.
12:54What is this, Mein Kampf?
12:56I know, but it's so good for them.
12:58Especially Isla.
12:59They have this mindfulness mobility program
13:02where they teach them how to meditate.
13:04Isla?
13:05Yes.
13:05Meditate.
13:06In complete silence.
13:07Yes.
13:08Good luck with that.
13:09You went on a live stream and said,
13:11I've never given a handjob.
13:12Are you kidding me?
13:13Oh, boy.
13:14Well, you haven't.
13:16Have you?
13:16That's not the point.
13:17Baby, it was a joke.
13:19Yeah, I think as a comedian,
13:20you should be free to go there.
13:21Painters gotta paint.
13:22Thank you, Isla.
13:23Okay.
13:23Well, I hope it was worth it
13:24because Kirsten Vanderthal and all her little friends
13:26are crushing me about it.
13:27A lot of my friends are laughing about it, too.
13:29Really?
13:29It's playing with the younger crowd?
13:31Fuck yeah.
13:32Nice.
13:32Well, no, Vanderthal,
13:33as in the Vanderthal Foundation,
13:35the Vanderthal Equestrian Center.
13:37Yes.
13:37Yes.
13:38Yes.
13:39My life is over, okay?
13:41You think any guy's gonna wanna talk to me now?
13:43Well, it's actually not the worst thing in the world
13:44if guys are looking elsewhere for handjobs.
13:46This is such bullshit.
13:47Kirsten posted to fuck with me,
13:48and now everyone's sharing it.
13:50Wow. Wow.
13:51Thank you, Dad.
13:52Well, hang on.
13:53That's crossing a line.
13:54No, no.
13:55You crossed a line with your big, fat mouth.
13:59Hey, hey, hey, hey, hey.
14:00I think we're all crossing some lines here.
14:03No, babe, this is a clear violation
14:04of the school's cyberbullying policy.
14:06Says so right here in the handbook, hon.
14:08What are you thinking, big man?
14:09After we fuck with her?
14:10Start an online campaign
14:11and turn all our friends against her
14:12and trash her reputation?
14:14No, no.
14:14Papa Rom Sires.
14:15I like that.
14:16No, he's done enough.
14:17I can find out where she lived,
14:18and let's go keep your house.
14:19No, no, she's right.
14:20We gotta do something.
14:21Hila, stop encouraging him.
14:22Or, hey, hey.
14:24Maybe we just leave it alone.
14:26We don't wanna rock the boat.
14:27The whole thing will probably just blow over.
14:29Since when has Bert Kreischer left anything alone?
14:31We're cutting his balls off here, guys.
14:33Hila.
14:33You don't even know what that means.
14:35So?
14:35Okay, listen.
14:36Please just stay out of it, okay?
14:38I'm begging you.
14:39The last time you got involved,
14:41you got us kicked out of the school.
14:43No, we didn't get kicked out.
14:45They asked us not to return.
14:46Very different.
14:46Well, after they threatened us
14:48with their lawyers and stuff.
14:49No, no, no, no.
14:49The family threatened us with lawyers.
14:50I remember.
14:51The school was totally fine.
14:52Not really.
14:53We had lawyers also.
14:54This is so-
14:54What?
14:55Make the call.
14:57They're obviously too emotional,
14:58but not thinking clearly.
14:59Thank you, Hila.
15:00Wow.
15:00No, she's right.
15:02She's right.
15:03Yeah, she's right.
15:11You know what?
15:13We're gonna play this one by the book.
15:15I'm gonna call the school,
15:16get the principal, the parents, the kids,
15:18sit down,
15:19and we'll get that little shit
15:20to take that fucking post down.
15:21That's how we're doing it.
15:22No, no, no.
15:22Hey, hey, hey.
15:23You don't need to go in.
15:24Yeah, that's a pussy mess.
15:25No, that's not why I lost.
15:27Guys, they wrote the rules.
15:29All we're asking them to do is follow them.
15:34New science lab looks good, Miriam.
15:36Thanks to your generous donation.
15:38Oh, we feel beyond blessed to be able to give back
15:40in such a significant way.
15:42It's humbling.
15:43Oh, so humbling.
15:44And the tax write-off doesn't suck either.
15:47Oh, I bet.
15:47It's totally true.
15:49I bet.
15:49Okay, let's get to it.
15:50I don't want to waste any more
15:51of Dr. Vanderthal's time.
15:53Yeah, we certainly don't want
15:54to delay someone's ass lifting.
15:55Oh!
15:57He's joking.
16:00Well, thank you both for meeting with us.
16:03We wanted to talk to you
16:05because your daughter has maybe been
16:08approaching the line of what some might consider bullying.
16:12Might consider?
16:13Bullying?
16:15Please.
16:15Okay.
16:16Let's call it what it is.
16:17I mean, if we're okay with it.
16:19And not write some rule in the handbook
16:20that we're not going to enforce
16:21because then what are we saying then?
16:22Really, rules are just suggestions
16:24and we get to pick which ones we give a fuck about
16:26and don't give a fuck about
16:26because, lady, I can not give a fuck
16:28way quicker than I can get you to give a fuck.
16:31I can assure you, no one's okay with bullying, Mr. Kreischer.
16:34No, of course. No, he wasn't suggesting that.
16:36All I did was post a clip of my favorite comedian.
16:39Okay, how is that bullying?
16:40I'm having a hard time seeing that as well.
16:42Wait, I'm your favorite comedian?
16:43I was talking about T-Pain.
16:46T-Pain's not a comedian.
16:48Hold on, what are we doing here?
16:49This is a bullshit.
16:49I'm wondering if there might be some sort of a compromise here.
16:55Compromise?
16:55Yeah.
16:56On rules?
16:57That's the whole point of a rule.
16:58If we don't follow the rules,
16:59then what kind of message are we sending to our children
17:01that if you're white and you donate a library
17:04and a Pilates studio that your daughter gets to do
17:06whatever the fuck she wants?
17:08This joke's just kill me.
17:09Um, Miriam, I'm feeling a little triggered by all the money-shaving.
17:13Yeah, it's pretty egregious.
17:15Is that a violation in the handbook?
17:17It might be.
17:17I'm starting to think I'm the only one that read the goddamn handbook!
17:20If I may, I think emotions are running a little hot
17:24and maybe we should take...
17:25Who the fuck's this guy?
17:26This is Dr. Jeff, our school therapist.
17:29Oh, sorry.
17:30He specializes in unhinged parents.
17:32Excuse me?
17:33What's that?
17:33Did you hear that?
17:34I missed it.
17:36The point is, your daughter has unintentionally, I'm sure,
17:42humiliated Georgia.
17:43Hmm.
17:44Well, actually, I think your husband might have beat her to it
17:47when he talked about her waxing knobs on a podcast.
17:50No, I said she had never waxed a knob.
17:52That's what I said.
17:53And that is what I do.
17:54I'm a comedian.
17:55Well, you're not much of one.
17:57With your shirt on, anyway.
17:59No, seriously, it's a great gimmick.
18:01You know, so much easier than relying on something silly like Talon.
18:05Yeah.
18:05Oh.
18:07You're trying to bully me now.
18:09Swing away, sister.
18:10You've never seen skin this thick.
18:12Well, that's for sure.
18:13Was that a fat joke?
18:14No, no, no, no.
18:14I'm sure she didn't mean it like that, did you, Kirsten?
18:17No.
18:18No, your mom's right.
18:19I mean, I was just being honest.
18:21You know, I've literally never seen skin that thick on a person before.
18:25Mm-hmm.
18:25Like, ever in my life.
18:27I'm sorry.
18:27You think that I am his mom?
18:29Oh, okay.
18:30I'm a little lost on what the issue is.
18:33It seems like Kirsten simply posted something she found amusing.
18:36I don't see any reason why she has to take it down.
18:38Okay.
18:39Um.
18:39I think we're done here.
18:40Yeah, we're definitely done here.
18:42I feel like this could have been an email.
18:43Let's go, sweetie.
18:44Bye.
18:45They're just gonna leave us.
18:46Look at that valet here.
18:47Yeah, great job, Dad.
18:48You really sold that.
18:50That was really good.
18:52Oh, Georgia.
18:53Georgia.
18:54Georgia.
18:57You okay, Mr. Kreischer?
18:58Yeah.
19:00Gangbusters.
19:01Um, it looked like Kirsten rattled you there a bit.
19:04Please.
19:05I don't get rattled by middle school girls, okay?
19:07Okay.
19:08Maybe I'm off.
19:09Yep.
19:09But if I'm not, my door is always open.
19:13I'm cool.
19:14I'll start therapy at 50.
19:15Well, I don't think it would be a terrible idea for you.
19:37So how'd it go today, guys?
19:39Get Kirsten and take down that post?
19:41Not yet, Ilo.
19:42Not even close.
19:43He just made everything worse, actually.
19:45I haven't even been at the school, what, a week?
19:48And you've already managed to ruin my life.
19:50Twice.
19:51You think you're the only one hurting?
19:52They called me fat.
19:54They trashed my career.
19:55And they insinuated that your mother was, what, in your mid to late 70s?
19:58Yep.
19:59Something like that.
20:00Those animals.
20:02Look, I really think that we just need to drop it and try not to draw any more attention
20:07to ourselves.
20:07I am all for that.
20:09As soon as we get little Miss Vanderkunt to come to her senses.
20:13And if she doesn't, what then?
20:15You gonna call her down to the headmaster's office again to make more of a joke of yourself?
20:18Maybe.
20:19Maybe I will.
20:20You've got some problems, dude.
20:22You need to talk to somebody.
20:24Work your shit out.
20:28They're all running a train on me in the principal's office, and it's all led by this prick plastic surgeon.
20:33Dude, you ever see a plastic surgeon's wife?
20:35Holy fucking shit.
20:36What a cheat code.
20:37You go to fucking school so you can marry a four and turn her into an eight.
20:40You ever see a guy who has a passion project like a truck he works on?
20:43That's his wife.
20:44You know this guy who goes home and tinkers with her titties.
20:46That's not enough.
20:48Just a little more.
20:49And tight fucking lips.
20:50I guarantee you, when she sucks his dick, tight lips, and a hallway of a throat.
20:55I think it's sad that she got that much work done.
21:00Because if you come in her face, there's no surprise.
21:02Just no expression.
21:04I bet sex with him is like getting your ears pierced.
21:07You feel a little prick, and it's over.
21:09What is she?
21:09Jerk him off like this?
21:12Just grab it and rub the top.
21:16Just staring at him with that dead picture.
21:20How can you tell if she consents during sex?
21:23She can't move her fucking face.
21:26Is it okay if I fuck you in the ass?
21:29Can I put a finger in your ass?
21:33I'm sitting in the principal's office with these two fucking cunts thinking,
21:36where's a school shooter when you need one?
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