00:11I wish you could all be inside my head the conversation is sparkling fine I'll tell you
00:20a lichen is an organism made up of two separate species fungi and algae if you could merge with
00:26another species what species would you pick and why hint there is a right answer none of you will
00:34get it okay I'd pick swan because the resulting hybrid would have the advanced industrial
00:41civilization of a human and the long graceful neck I've always dreamed of having wrong Leonard
00:50horse but mostly just for the height a little bit for the genital girth
00:58wrong and let's keep it clean shall we kangaroo uh I'd be a kangajoo
01:06the first of my people to dunk a basketball also instead of just living in your mother's house
01:11you could actually live inside her body clever but also wrong no the best organism for human beings
01:21to merge with is the lichen itself that way you'd be human fungus and algae triple threat like free
01:28bean salad give me one circumstance in which that would be useful all right picture this beautiful
01:35outdoor concert now as a human I appreciate Beethoven as a fungus I have a terrific view growing out of
01:42a
01:42towering maple tree and no thank you expensive concessions because as an algae I'll just snack
01:47on this sunlight got us again no he didn't anyway if it's okay with you we should talk about Howard's
01:56bachelor party well it seems like a bit of a letdown after our lichen conversation but what do you know
02:02you're half swan I've been doing some research on strippers one agency I spoke to said they can get
02:08us a great price if we're flexible on age range and number of limbs sounds like loads of fun but
02:15I
02:15promised Bernadette no strippers you don't want strippers you're the king of strippers that one club
02:20in North Hollywood named a pole after you can I tell you I'm not into that stuff anymore good for
02:27you
02:27Howard I'm proud of you and still you're the first one of us to get married you have to do
02:31something
02:31special you know Germans have an interesting pre-wedding custom probably not for me maybe we
02:40can go up to Napa Valley they've got that wine train boo wine but yay trains I'm in anyway it's
02:48a
02:48beautiful time of year you travel through the vineyards there's a tasting on board and all the
02:53wild flowers are in bloom it's magic look at that in 30 seconds we went from hiring women to being
03:01them
03:03our whole universe was in a hot dense state that nearly 14 million years ago expansion started way
03:10the earth began to cool the autotrophs began to drew me and with all developed tools we built a wall
03:26so I hear you and the lost boys are having a bachelor party tonight yeah just go to a restaurant
03:32get some
03:33steaks scotch nothing to worry about why should I worry I don't know it's a bachelor party there could
03:38be strippers and that make you a little jealous come on Leonard it's you what's gonna happen I mean
03:44even if there was a stripper all you do is avoid eye contact and maybe offer to help her kid
03:47with his
03:48homework hey I am a young man in his sexual prime under the right conditions I am capable of just
03:55really crazy stuff really what is the craziest thing you've ever done with a woman and the time
04:02you and I had sex in the ocean does not count oh come on that's gotta count it's a really
04:07strong
04:07undertow we could have died well have fun tonight oh I will there's no telling what might happen yeah
04:17there is you know there's nothing wrong helping some woman's kid get through their SATs hey I gotta
04:28hand it to Raj he found a really nice spot to have a bachelor party it's not bad that unless
04:33you compare
04:34it to a train and then it stinks are you drinking whiskey indeed if I'm to participate in the social
04:42convention that is the stag night then I must embrace all its components including tobacco swear
04:49words and yes alcohol jeepers that's yucky oh it's a little early to start dropping j-bombs don't you
05:00think hey you guys oh they will nice you to make it out tonight for Howard well it was either
05:06this or
05:07another hot tub party at George Takei's house I'm confused I thought since our reconciliation I was your
05:13friend in this group oh I'm friends with Howard too oh well I guess you're just friends with anybody
05:24hey uh Leonard things are a little tight at the comic book store I might need some help covering my
05:30share of the check oh yeah no worries and maybe a few bucks for the ballet oh all right gas
05:36money to
05:37get home but you know what this is my grandfather's watch oh 18 karat gold got it in Europe during
05:45the
05:45war wow it's very nice mm-hmm hundred bucks and it's yours hey everybody the bachelor boy is
06:04yes yes he's a jolly good fellow what time did the swoop is alive actually Barry we're not gonna
06:10have strippers tonight ah what the frig did I get two hundred dollars in singles out for you want to
06:17buy a watch this is made of honor Amy Farrah Fowler bringing you the wedding activities just weeks out
06:27from the big day let's check in with a beautiful radiant young woman and her friend who's about to
06:33get married ladies can you tell us what you're doing um these are gift bags we're gonna put in
06:40the hotel rooms of our out-of-town guests this is a map of Pasadena this is a list of
06:44local restaurants
06:45and then for Howie's relatives we have antihistamines antacids and medicine for diarrhea and constipation
06:52yeah we labeled them stop and go all right pivoting to the big question Bernadette on your wedding
07:00night you'll be consummating your marriage what do you think your first sexual position will be as
07:04husband and wife keeping in mind that whoever's on top may set the tone for the marriage okay show's
07:14over hey they may conceive a child on their wedding night don't you think the kid might get a kick
07:19out
07:19of knowing how it happened I don't care ask her things like are you gonna take Howard's name not
07:25who's gonna sit on who I've actually been thinking I'm gonna hyphenate Bernadette Marianne
07:31Rostenkowski-Walowitz nice you know you should totally get Bernadette Marianne Rostenkowski-Walowitz
07:38dot-com before someone snaps it up power dirty took care of it plus he set up our beautiful wedding
07:46website with cute little facts about our family history do you know for a while in Poland my family and
07:52his
07:52family were neighbors oh that's cool no it's not I'll explain it to you later we are here tonight to
08:06celebrate the upcoming nuptials of my best friend Howard walowitz and apparently will Wheaton's best
08:14friend Sheldon talk to the hand does anyone have any words they'd like to say about a man of the
08:24evening I do as is the tradition I prepared a series of disrespectful jokes which generate humor at
08:32Howard's expense prepare to have your ribs tickle Howard I always thought you'd be the last one of
08:40us to ever get married because you are so short and unappealing am I right oh seriously though
08:48Howard you're actually one of the most intelligent people I know and that's a zinger because you're
08:54not I've always thought that you'd make someone a fine husband someday assuming you'd be able to get
09:02the parts and develop the engineering skills to assemble them which I don't see as likely hacha
09:09okay let me see okay kidding aside Howard you are a good friend and I wish you nothing but happiness
09:16bazinga I don't shall do double bazinga I do good luck following that
09:27so Howard walowitz tying the knot leaving his crazy bachelor days behind he was a wild one I guess we
09:36all kind of were I remember this one time I was with this girl at the beach we were in
09:45the ocean and we
09:46started making out I know it's crazy I wasn't even wearing my aqua socks then nobody cares Hofstetter
09:57wrap it up to Howard I totally had sex in the ocean okay I'll go Howard I think about you
10:14and Bernadette
10:16starting this wonderful life together I can't help but get a little choked up I mean look at you you
10:23have everything look at me I'm 37 I sleep in the back of a comic book store and I have
10:32the bone density
10:33of an 80 year old man Howard who's next I'll go Howard I'm gonna say something to you that
10:49everybody's thinking but no one has the courage to say out loud when you invite a man to a bachelor
10:54party the implication is there will be strippers yeah maybe not completely nude but at least pasties
11:01and G swings that's not unreasonable okay anybody else huh no okay it all comes down to me as the
11:13best
11:14man oh this grasshopper's kicking my ass hopper okay when I first came to this country I I didn't know
11:25how to behave or how to dress what was cool I was pretty lonely but then I met Howard and
11:31suddenly my
11:32life changed because we could be lonely together this man became my whole world yeah nice speech Francine
11:49I'm not done but thank you I think back to all the good times we had like uh when we
12:00went camping and
12:01spent that night telling each other all our secrets I told him I'm addicted to pedicures and he told me
12:07he lost his virginity to his cousin she was my second cousin and the first woman you ever disappointed
12:16sexually part of a singer oh yeah and then there was a time when Leonard and I took Howard to
12:24Las Vegas
12:25and and paid a hooker to pretend she was Jewish and that she wanted his little kosher pickle
12:33of all the Howard humping hooker stories that one's my favorite okay buddy that's it sit down oh oh
12:42what about that that tubby girl in the sailor moon costume at comic-con don't remember please sit down
12:48the only threesome I've ever had in my whole life and I'm proud to say it was with this man
12:53right here
12:59oh don't get me wrong nothing happened with me and Howard there was about 200 pounds of sailor moon
13:06between us oh internet this is so going all over you jeepers I'm drunk
13:23thank you for picking us up there's a warning right there on the scotch bottle you cannot be
13:28upright in heavy machinery after you've had a snoot full of a slutty
13:38funny you boys have a nice time yeah it was great low-key like I promised no hanky-panky no
13:45strippers
13:46just the guys telling jokes how about you did you have a fun night yeah we are made gift bags
13:57had
13:57wine and then went online and saw this you know we're not that far from my apartment if you stop
14:13the car I
14:13can walk from here you ain't going anywhere three-way look at that listen you lied to me you said
14:23you told me about all the girls you've been with but
14:24you never mentioned your cousin the prostitute or Raj seriously you don't even have to stop the car
14:32anything under 10 miles an hour and I can combat roll into the street
14:38okay just to set the record straight I didn't hire the prostitute she was a gift from him
14:44shame on you Raj that is not how we treat women in this country
14:50don't you try and blame this on him thank you Bernadette
14:53zip it pervert
14:57I don't know what I'm gonna do
14:58I'm supposed to marry Howard in a couple weeks and I'm not sure I even know who the man is
15:03anymore
15:04I'm curious what's bothering you most the borderline incest the prostitute or group sex with the girl dressed as the
15:10children's cartoon
15:14Amy remember when we went over things that would be helpful and things that wouldn't
15:17right and that was not
15:23first met Howard he seems so innocent to me just a sweet little guy who lives with his mother
15:28well if that's what you like I'll take you to the comic book store the place is full of them
15:34wait a minute you set me up with Howard did you know about all the creepy stuff he was into
15:40oh a little you hear stuff
15:45why didn't you tell me
15:46well I was gonna but I didn't think it would go past the first date
15:50and when it did I thought for sure it wouldn't go past you meeting his mother
15:53definitely not past the two of you sleeping together I mean the warning signs were there this is really on
15:56you
15:59thank God I thought you were my friend
16:02I don't think that was helpful
16:12hi Bernie it's me again please call me back
16:16dude I'm so sorry
16:18it's not your fault it's mine
16:20I did all that stuff not you
16:22actually you did do one of them together
16:27here
16:28what is this
16:29you're upset the convention is to bring an upset person a hot beverage
16:33no but what is it
16:34chicken broth
16:35but seemed culturally appropriate
16:38also there was a single cube of chicken bouillon in the cupboard when I moved in
16:42it's been bothering me for the last eight years
16:45so as I say
16:46two birds
16:48I don't know what my next move is
16:51well Howard I don't know much about women
16:54yeah
16:55no that that's it I don't know much about
17:00Raj you got anything
17:01I've got the phone number of the tubby girl from Comic Con
17:06I'm not calling the girl from Comic Con
17:09all right
17:10more C'est Le Moune for me
17:15I just threw up the bachelor party
17:20please come out Bernadette let's talk through this
17:23no leave me alone
17:26perhaps you should give him a taste of his own medicine
17:28do you have a cousin who you find attractive
17:32Amy
17:32hey you introduce her to the sleazebag I'm just trying to clean up your mess
17:39oh hi
17:40hi
17:42I need to talk to Bernadette
17:43well I don't think she wants to talk to anyone right now
17:46all right
17:47well could you at least give her a message
17:50yeah sure I guess
17:53tell her I'm really sorry
17:55and if she doesn't want to marry me
18:00I get it
18:01but what I really want her to know
18:03is that the guy that she's disgusted by
18:05is the guy that I'm disgusted by too
18:07but that guy doesn't exist anymore
18:09he's gone
18:10and
18:11the reason is
18:14because of her
18:16so
18:17if this relationship is
18:19over
18:20let her know that
18:22she made me a better man
18:25and
18:27tell her thank you
18:29oh my god Howard
18:33that's the most beautiful thing I've ever heard
18:36and it came out of you
18:43howie
18:45penny has a message for you
18:47I heard
18:48your voice not unlike your mother's travels through walls
18:53do you want me to go
18:55no
18:57come here
19:04I'm still really mad at you
19:05I get that
19:07is there anything else about your past I should know
19:09couple things
19:11but
19:11most of them happened overseas
19:13I'll tell you later
19:16okay
19:17so
19:18is the wedding still on
19:20yeah
19:21the wedding's still on
19:23oh
19:25thank god
19:27I'm still a maid of honor
19:30oh what the hell
19:34this is kinda hot
19:41hello
19:43what's with the robe
19:45I'm going to have sex with you
19:46right here
19:47right now
19:48on that washing machine
19:52no you're not
19:55come on please
19:58if you want to do something
19:59you can help me fold this sheet
20:03folding sheet in my underwear
20:05still pretty crazy
20:32what the hell
20:33about anne
20:34I look at you
20:35I'm thisgili
20:36I look at you
20:36I talk about you
20:36you
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