00:02The entrance to the dungeon is a moss-covered door. You manage to open it, only to find yourself face
00:08-to-face with a hideous, foul-smelling, moss-covered ogre.
00:12What do you do?
00:14I say, hey Ma, what's for dinner?
00:20Seventeen.
00:21The ogre is amused by your joke and allows you to pass.
00:26Goodbye-de-bye. I liked it, too.
00:30How go the wedding plans, Howard?
00:32Great!
00:33Spent five hours last night at Macy's registering for gifts.
00:35Looks like I'm finally gonna have that darling little earthenware asparagus dish I've always wanted.
00:40See, this is the good thing about having a girlfriend 9,000 miles away. I can spend my nights doing
00:44whatever I want.
00:46You mean like playing nerd games with us and then taking a suspiciously long shower?
00:53Maybe.
00:56We enter the dungeon.
00:59You see a dragon.
01:02Really? So, we're playing Dungeons and Dragons and we walk into a dungeon and see a dragon?
01:07I'm not a little on the nose.
01:09When you play chutes and ladders, do you complain about all the chutes and all the ladders?
01:16Are you gonna eat that whole pie?
01:19Maybe.
01:20Why not?
01:21Who do I have in my life to watch my figure for?
01:24God, did you watch Bridget Jones again?
01:27No, it's just that everybody's got someone.
01:30Sheldon's with Amy, Howard's getting married, you're dating my sister.
01:33You know, now that Howard's getting married, maybe he'll inflate one of his old girlfriends for you.
01:39You know who I blame for my loneliness? The United States of America.
01:43Your movies and your TV shows promise streets paved with beautiful blonde women with big bazongas.
01:49Eat another pie, you'll have your own bazongas.
01:53That's cruel. You know, it goes straight to my hips.
01:56Quentin Ben, please focus. You're facing a fire-breathing dragon.
02:00I don't know if I want to play anymore.
02:03Because you don't have a girlfriend? Well, good lord.
02:05That becomes a reason not to play Dungeons and Dragons. This game's in serious trouble.
02:10Our whole universe was in a hot, dense state
02:14that nearly 14 billion years ago expansion started way over.
02:17The earth began to cool, the autotrophs began to drool.
02:20Neanderthals developed tools, we built a wall.
02:22We built the pyramids, maps, science, history, unraveling the mystery.
02:26That all started with a big bang.
02:34Now, I assume we use this same wax later on
02:37to neaten up each other's bikini regions.
02:40Yeah, my bikini region is fine.
02:43Who's shocked? I'm not.
02:47So, Bernadette, how's the wedding planning going?
02:50And I'm not asking as a prospective bridesmaid.
02:52Pick me! Pick me!
02:56We went cake tasting yesterday.
02:59Raj came along.
03:00He cried and ate half the sample.
03:03Oh, poor guy. He's so lonely.
03:06We should set him up with someone.
03:08You know, I met a really cute girl at work.
03:10She's married to a guy in one of our drug trials.
03:15Well, hello, she's married.
03:18Yeah, but her husband is in serious congestive heart failure.
03:22And the little birdie told me he's in the placebo group.
03:28Okay, so future grief-stricken widow is the one to beat.
03:34You ready to order?
03:35One moment.
03:37I'm conducting an experiment.
03:39With Dungeons and Dragons dice?
03:43Yes.
03:43From here on in, I've decided to make all trivial decisions
03:47with a throw of the dice.
03:48That's freeing up my mind to do what it does best.
03:51Enlighten and amaze.
03:55Page 14, item 7.
03:59So, what's for dinner?
04:00A side of corn succotash.
04:04Hmm, interesting.
04:06Um, Howard, can I see you for a minute, please?
04:09I don't want to show any more of your friends
04:10how I can fit in the booster seats.
04:14Uh, no, that's not it.
04:15Just come with me, please.
04:18Let's see what I'll be washing that succotash down with.
04:23A pitcher of margaritas.
04:28Do you really want that?
04:30That's the great thing.
04:31It doesn't matter.
04:32My mind is freed up to think about more important things.
04:36What's it thinking about now?
04:38Hamburgers and lemonade.
04:41Um, Raj?
04:43Someone I want you to meet.
04:44This is my friend Emily.
04:45I know her from spin class.
04:49No, Raj.
04:50Relax.
04:51She can't hear you.
04:52She's deaf.
04:54Emily, this is our friend Raj.
04:58Oh.
05:01Look at you guys, just hitting it off.
05:03I am so good.
05:10Hi.
05:14She says it's nice to meet you.
05:15Did she really mean that?
05:16Or was she signing it sarcastically?
05:20Raj says it's nice to meet you, too.
05:24She says she has to go back to her family, but Penny has her number if you want to text
05:29her and get together.
05:30Okay.
05:31I'm going to play it cool.
05:32Tell her.
05:33Maybe.
05:34Whatever, babe.
05:39He'll text you.
05:43Look at that.
05:44I have a date.
05:45I love America again.
05:50And now for dessert.
05:52Come on, hot fudge sundae.
05:53Come on, hot fudge sundae.
05:55Bam!
05:56That's what I'm talking about.
06:00Okay.
06:01As soon as she gets here, so she knows I'm cool with it,
06:03I'm going to make a joke about her being deaf.
06:08I was thinking, hey, did you hear the one about, oh no, I bet you didn't.
06:16Maybe we should revisit your lonely fat guy plan.
06:19Oh, she's here.
06:23No joke.
06:29She says she's sorry she's late.
06:30Tell her it doesn't matter.
06:32Tell her, her eyes shimmer like opalescent lilies in the lake of the Palace of the Celestial Maidens.
06:41Really?
06:41It's the first thing you want to say?
06:43I worked on it all night. Use it.
06:45Look, I don't know the sign for opalescent.
06:47Spell it.
06:48I don't know how to spell it.
06:49But you're blowing this for me!
06:53He likes your eyes.
06:54You're making me sound like a caveman.
06:58She says thank you, you have nice eyes too.
07:00Really?
07:01Ask her how many children she wants and whatever number she says, say me too.
07:08No.
07:10Fine, tell her I have a deep sexy voice like James Earl Jones.
07:15She doesn't know what James Earl Jones sounds like.
07:19Great, then she won't know I'm lying.
07:24Let's see, what else can I tell you about me that would make you like me?
07:30Oh, I love music.
07:33Do you love music?
07:37You really want to ask her that?
07:39Oh, you're right. Everyone loves music.
07:44She says, do you play an instrument?
07:46No, but when I was six years old, I tried to start a boy band called Frankie Goes to Bollywood.
07:56But I couldn't get any other boys to join, so my parents asked the servants to be my backup dancers.
08:02Wait, when you sign servants, don't sign it like I'm bragging.
08:05Sign it in a way that I sound humble, with just a hint of, that's right, I heard servants.
08:13Do you hear yourself?
08:14Yes, but she doesn't, so get signing hand, monkey.
08:21I think I wrote a letter to Santa Claus every day, and then on Christmas morning, under the tree is
08:29a little puppy with a red ribbon.
08:34What are you doing?
08:35I'm texting Bernadette that I'm going to be late.
08:37Dude, what is she saying?
08:38It's a funny story about a puppy, just smile and laugh.
08:45Quick, but stop smiling.
08:46What, why?
08:47When she died, it choked on a doll head.
08:48Sad face, sad face.
08:53It's a little hard to see with the city lights, but that W-shaped constellation is Cassiopeia,
08:58and she was the mother of Andromeda, who's over there.
09:03Look, pretty stars.
09:08This is her car.
09:10She hopes she can see you again sometime.
09:13Good, good.
09:15Oh boy.
09:16Help me out here.
09:17Does she want me to kiss her or not?
09:19I speak sign language.
09:20I don't read minds.
09:21If you were me, would you kiss her?
09:23Yeah, but I'm a make-out king.
09:35I was so smooth on that date.
09:38You?
09:38I made you smooth.
09:40You were an idiot.
09:41Whatever dude, she kissed me.
09:42It might have been on your lips, but it was my kiss.
09:45Fine.
09:45That's agree she kissed both of us.
09:49Okay.
09:55Mustache is looking good there, Sheldon.
10:00Don't thank me.
10:01Thank the dice.
10:02They told me what percentage of my face to shave.
10:05Why are you still doing this?
10:07Because it's working.
10:08In the past few weeks, unburdened by trivial decisions, I've co-authored two papers in notable
10:13peer-reviewed journals, and I'm close to figuring out why the Large Hadron Collider has yet to isolate the Higgs
10:19boson particle.
10:20You left out gut-chafed testicles because you no longer wear underpants.
10:28The dice giveth and the dice taketh away.
10:32Is Raj out with Emily again?
10:34Yep.
10:34Every night for the last month.
10:36Wow.
10:36Can't believe he has a girlfriend.
10:40Me neither.
10:43Here's some other fun news on the Raj-Emily front.
10:46He gave her a pair of diamond earrings and leased her a car.
10:49You're kidding.
10:50You think she's taking advantage of them?
10:52Oh, of course not.
10:53She wouldn't do something like that.
10:54She's deaf.
10:59Deaf women can't be gold diggers?
11:01Handicapped people are nice, Leonard.
11:03Everyone knows that.
11:06Yeah, I actually have information about Raj that would be helpful with this discussion.
11:16Could you tell us?
11:18Let's see.
11:21Oh, snake eyes.
11:23Sorry, bud.
11:25Wait.
11:26Hang on, doubles.
11:27Roll again.
11:31Okay, get this.
11:34It doesn't matter if he's showering her with gifts.
11:36Because the Kuthrapalis are vastly wealthy.
11:39What do you mean, vastly wealthy?
11:42Well, wealthy means a lot of money.
11:44Vastly means even more.
11:45I'm not sure what's tripping you up.
11:47Look, I know they have money.
11:49I don't think it's that much.
11:50No, you're wrong.
11:51As you know, a few years ago, I achieved one of my lesser dreams and became a notary public.
11:56Well, from time to time, I notarize banking documents for Raj.
12:01The Kuthrapalis aren't just rich.
12:03They're richy rich rich.
12:06Well, so how much is that?
12:09About halfway between Bruce Wayne and Scrooge McDuck.
12:13What the hell?
12:14The last time we went to the zoo, that son of a bitch made me buy him a churro.
12:19Listen, guys, I'm sorry.
12:20I don't mean to be rude, but I need to go call Raj's sister who I love so much.
12:25So vastly much.
12:30Okay, so he's got money and it's a few gifts and a card.
12:34And that she got him to pay off all her credit cards.
12:37What? He paid off her credit cards?
12:39Damn it. I could have dated Raj for a couple months.
12:43But I wouldn't have because I'm not that kind of girl.
12:46We should really talk to Raj.
12:48He's not gonna listen. He's in love.
12:50Can't figure out what to do?
12:52I remember those days.
12:54Now, if you'll excuse me, I have to...
12:58stay right here.
13:03Okay, this is a bad idea. We should go.
13:05No, I'm the one that introduced him to her. I've got to say something.
13:11Wow.
13:14You're engaged to my friend.
13:16Hey, Bernadette doesn't mind where I get my motor running as long as I park in the right garage.
13:23I can't believe you're engaged to my friend.
13:28Oh, here she comes.
13:30Smart. Whisper so the deaf chick can't hear you.
13:36Hi.
13:38Oh, hey, hi. Nice to see you.
13:40Um, can we talk to you about Raj?
13:44She says, sure, what about him?
13:45Okay, um, gosh, how do I start?
13:48Um, see, Raj is kind of naive.
13:52I mean, he hasn't dated a whole lot of women.
13:54And I'm concerned that without meaning to, you might be taking advantage of him.
13:59You know, by letting him buy you a bunch of expensive things.
14:02And I...
14:02Howard, focus.
14:05Tell him what I'm saying.
14:06Right.
14:07Are you a gold digger or not?
14:11Oh, uh, something, something.
14:12Who the something do you think you are?
14:14Mind your own something business and go something yourself.
14:19Oh, wait, I got this now.
14:25I'm so mad at you.
14:26Okay, wait.
14:27How did you ambush my girlfriend at the gym?
14:29We didn't mean for it to be an ambush.
14:30It just, it's kind of impossible not to sneak up on deaf people.
14:35And hey, since when are you so chatty?
14:38I'm hammered.
14:39Gosh, come here.
14:41This girl is trouble.
14:43All right, what kind of relationship is it where you buy her gifts and she gives you sex?
14:48The best one I've ever had.
14:52Okay, come on.
14:53You know you can do better.
14:54Uh-huh.
14:56I see what's going on here.
14:58You and I had a crazy night together and now you can't stand to see me with another woman.
15:03Whoa, whoa, whoa.
15:05Okay, I can't get mad at your feelings.
15:07I don't have feelings.
15:08Yeah, that's good.
15:09Keep telling yourself that.
15:13He's cuter now that I know he's rich.
15:18I have a surprise for you.
15:21Cover your eyes.
15:25Open them.
15:35It's a real ruby.
15:37It was a little expensive, but no one can put a price on love.
15:44Although the people at Cartier took a pretty good shot at it.
15:53Oh, mummy, daddy, what a nice surprise.
15:56No, it's not a nice surprise.
15:57It's a bad surprise.
16:00Penny called us.
16:02Penny?
16:02She told us you're spending all our money on your new girlfriend.
16:06What?
16:07I just got her a couple of things.
16:08She gives me things too.
16:10Yeah, yeah.
16:10I'm a gynecologist.
16:11I know exactly what she gives you.
16:15You need to find a nice Indian girl from a good family.
16:18If you keep seeing this woman, you're cut off.
16:20What?
16:22You're going to make me choose between the woman I love and the money I have very strong feelings for?
16:28It's up to you.
16:31Well, I choose love.
16:34You're an idiot.
16:36Love doesn't last.
16:44Well, he's going to find out eventually.
16:48Think about it.
16:54My parents are making me choose between money and you.
16:58But I choose you.
17:03No, I think we'll have to return the car.
17:07And the necklace?
17:09Yeah, that too.
17:10But none of those things matter because we have something better.
17:14We have love.
17:25Oh, Penny.
17:26I hurt so bad.
17:29I know. I know.
17:31Sometimes I put the TV on mute just to pretend she's still with me.
17:40But I can't watch the closed captioning without crying.
17:45Oh, I'm so sorry.
17:48I wish I could make you feel better.
17:50Seriously?
17:52I'm heartbroken and you're hitting on me?
17:54What? No!
17:56Look, Penny.
17:57You're great.
17:58But I had a log talk with my parents and they said if I date an Indian girl, I get
18:02a Maserati.
18:08Mmm.
18:09Oh, cheesecake.
18:10You're just as good as a woman.
18:12Even though I can't have sex with you.
18:15Try throwing it in the microwave for a few seconds.
18:23Should I use the restroom or wait until we get home?
18:25Come on. Papa needs to void his bladder.
18:28Oh, that's not what you want to see after three buttermilks.
18:32Here you go, boys.
18:33I'll pick it up when you're ready.
18:35Thanks for dinner, buddy.
18:36Yeah, real big aim.
18:38Hurry, hurry, hurry.
18:41Oh, and don't cheap out on the tip.
18:42We all know you're loaded now.
18:43Ah...
18:48Ah!
19:11PIPER
19:13wordt
Comments