00:03I'm just going to run to the store and get a few things.
00:04I'll pick you up when you're done.
00:06Okay. I like it a little better when you stay, but all right.
00:10Hey, Sheldon.
00:10Hello. I'm here for my haircut with Mr. D'Onofrio.
00:14I'm sorry. Uncle Tony's in the hospital. He's pretty sick.
00:17Oh, dear. Mr. D'Onofrio's in the hospital.
00:20Why do these things always happen to me?
00:23I can cut it for you.
00:25You're not Mr. D'Onofrio.
00:27I get my hair cut by Mr. D'Onofrio.
00:30Do you believe this guy?
00:32Excuse us for a second.
00:34Sheldon, it's okay. He can do it. He's a barber.
00:36He's not a barber. He's the nephew.
00:39He's an example of the kind of nepotism that runs rampant in the barbering industry.
00:44And besides, Mr. D'Onofrio knows exactly how I like my hair done
00:47because he has all my haircut records from my barber in Texas.
00:51What are you talking about?
00:53When I first moved here, I was nervous about finding a new barber,
00:56so my mother had all my haircut records sent here to Mr. D'Onofrio.
01:01There's no such thing as haircut records.
01:05Yes, there are.
01:07Have you ever seen them?
01:08No, but my mother assured me they were sent here,
01:10and I'll bet you dollars to donuts that this one doesn't have them.
01:14Uh, excuse me.
01:16Do you have access to my haircut records?
01:18Your what?
01:20To paraphrase T.S. Eliot, this is the way the world ends.
01:23Not with a bang, but with a nephew.
01:27Sheldon, you're a grown man.
01:29He's a professional, and your haircut is number three on that poster from 1946.
01:34Just sit down and let him do it.
01:36Fine.
01:37But if I come out of this looking like a dork, it's on you.
01:48So my kid said the funniest thing today.
01:50Nope.
01:55When you tell this story later, the word we usually use is quirky.
02:00The whole universe was in a hot, dense state
02:03The nearly 14 million years ago expansion started way
02:07The earth began to cool, the autotrophs began to drool
02:10Neanderthals developed tools, we built the wall
02:12We built the pyramids, math, science, history
02:14Unraveling the mystery, that all started with a big bang
02:23Can you pass the parmesan cheese?
02:25Sure
02:30What are you doing?
02:36Trying to get the hair out of my eyes
02:39Sheldon, you are one day late for your haircut
02:41Thank you for captioning my nightmare
02:46Look you here, I got my travel orders
02:50Payload specialist Howard Wolowitz is requested to report to the NASA Johnson Space Center
02:54Houston, Texas for astronaut training Monday 8am
02:57Yeah, but it's from NASA, so it's 0800
03:00But it says 8am
03:03You read it as 0800
03:05It doesn't have an O in front of it
03:08You know, it does have an O in front of it
03:10Oh my god, I'm an astronaut and you're dying of jealousy
03:15So what kind of things are the way you stop that?
03:19I can't help it
03:20I feel like a teen heartthrob
03:24You know, Sheldon, I used to cut my brother's hair
03:26I could do it for you
03:27Penny, I know you mean well
03:30Offering the skills of the hill folk
03:32But, um
03:34Here in town, we don't churn our own butter
03:36We don't, uh, make dresses out of gunny sacks
03:38And, uh, we sure as shoot and don't get our hair cut by a bottle of wine
03:41Sheldon, be nice
03:44I'm sorry, it's the bad boy attitude that comes with his hair
03:51You could go to my guy
03:52He's at Juan Juan in Beverly Hills
03:54They bring you a cup of tea
03:55They'll massage your scalp
03:56It's about $200
03:57But sometimes you look in the next chair
03:59And you see a superstar
04:00Like Tony Danza
04:03A quick question here
04:04Have we actually changed the conversation
04:06From I'm going to astronaut training
04:07To Sheldon can't get a haircut?
04:10Now who's dying of jealousy?
04:11Oh, it's you
04:36Sheldon, you're ruining girlfriend-boyfriend's sing-along night
04:40I'm sorry
04:40I'm looking for a barber
04:42And I'm running out of time
04:43My hair is growing at the rate of 4.6 yacht meters per femtosecond
04:49If you're quiet, you can hear it
04:53What about supercuts?
04:55I tried once
04:56They do men's and women's hair in the same room at the same time
04:59It's like Sodom and Gomorrah with moose
05:03Well, this isn't a crisis
05:05Why don't you just let your hair grow out a little?
05:07Why don't I let my hair grow out?
05:09Um, why don't I start wearing Birkenstocks
05:12And, uh, seeking validation of my opinions by asking
05:15Can you dig it?
05:17I don't know
05:18I think you might look sexy with long hair
05:22The kind that flows down to your shoulders
05:24And blows back while riding on a horse
05:30Bareback and bare-chested
05:35I'm gonna go brush my teeth
05:36It might take a while
05:42Hi
05:43Hi, sweetie
05:44I miss you
05:45I miss you, too
05:46So, tell me all about your first day
05:49Oh, wow
05:50Where do I even start?
05:52I got to experience zero gravity
05:55Cool, how do they do that?
05:56Well, it's pretty neat
05:57You get in this plane that goes almost straight up for like 20 seconds
06:02And then straight back down like it's gonna crash
06:06And they do it over and over again
06:09No matter how many times you throw up
06:12You throw up?
06:13Yeah
06:14And the craziest part is
06:16Because there's no gravity
06:17The throw up kind of floats there
06:22In a little ball
06:23And if your mouth is open
06:25Because you're screaming
06:29Sometimes
06:30It just floats right back in
06:35Boy, does everyone laugh at you when that happens?
06:38That sounds mean
06:39No
06:40Yeah, I would have laughed, too
06:42But I didn't want the vomit to come back out
06:47Anyway
06:48Oh, could you do me a favor
06:50And overnight me some more underwear?
06:54Sure, why?
06:55I got a look at the centrifuge
06:56They're gonna spin me around in tomorrow
06:58And I have a hunch
06:59I packed a little light
07:09Mr. D'Onofrio
07:10It's me, Sheldon
07:13They didn't have anything barber-themed in the gift shop
07:17So I got you this
07:18I don't know if you can read his little t-shirt
07:20It says, um, get well very soon
07:25Trust me, if you were even a little conscious right now
07:27You'd be laughing
07:31Anyway
07:34There's new studies that show people in comas
07:38Are aware of everything going on around them
07:40With that in mind
07:42If you can hear me
07:43Move away from the light
07:45And toward the sound of these scissors
07:50Can I help you?
07:52Yes
07:53Do you have something I could use as a cape?
07:57Oh, dear
07:58Did we spit out our pills
07:59Slip out of the ninth floor
08:01And go on a little adventure?
08:04Oh, no
08:04No
08:05I'm just here to get my hair cut
08:11I see
08:12Just wait here
08:13One moment
08:15Security!
08:17I gotta run
08:19But not with scissors
08:21That would be unsafe
08:26So, if I move my horsey here
08:32Isn't that checkmate and I win?
08:41Hmm
08:44Well, is it or isn't it?
08:47You know, I think this is a good stopping point
08:52It's your first real game
08:53I threw a lot of information at you
08:55No, your king is trapped
08:57He can't go here because of my lighthouse
09:00And
09:02He can't go here because of my pointy head guy
09:07Like I said, complicated game
09:11So, did I win or not?
09:12Did you have fun?
09:13Because if you had fun, then you are
09:14You are a winner
09:15Now, that's what chess is all about
09:19Hello
09:20Hey
09:20Oh, hey, sorry, Sheldon
09:21I'll move
09:22Why?
09:23My spot?
09:23Your spot?
09:24What difference does it make?
09:29Okay, what just happened?
09:32I don't know
09:33Between you playing chess like Bobby Fisher
09:35And Sheldon being okay with you in his spot
09:38I'm guessing someone went back in time
09:40Stepped on a bug
09:40And changed the course of human events
09:44Uh, sweetie, are you alright?
09:46No, I'm not alright
09:48It's been six days since I was supposed to get a haircut
09:51And nothing horrible has happened
09:54Okay, I'm sorry
09:55I don't understand
09:56Leonard, explain it to her
09:58Oh, uh, he's crazy
10:02I have spent my whole life
10:04Trying to bring order to the universe
10:05By carefully planning every moment of every day
10:08But all my efforts
10:09With our dinner schedule
10:10My pajama rotation
10:12My bowel movement spreadsheet
10:15It's clear now
10:16I've been wasting my time
10:18Good, I'm taking that disgusting chart off the fridge
10:22You know
10:24Sheldon, sometimes it's nice not knowing what's coming
10:27I mean, look at me and Leonard
10:28We went out
10:28We broke up
10:29Now we're trying again
10:30We don't know what's gonna happen
10:31Oh, please
10:32Everyone knows what's going to happen
10:36But I see your point
10:37I think this could be good for you
10:39Maybe it's time for you to shake things up a bit
10:43You're right
10:44I should embrace the chaos
10:47Great
10:47What are you gonna do first?
10:49I don't know
10:49I could do anything
10:51All bets are off
10:53World is my oyster
10:57I got it
10:58I'm gonna put on my Tuesday pajamas tonight
11:05I gotta tell you
11:06I'm a little worried about him
11:07No
11:08If I were you
11:08I'd be worried that a girl
11:10Who's never played chess in her life
11:11Just kicked your ass
11:25Hi
11:27Howie, what happened to you?
11:29We did overnight survival training in the wilderness
11:34Big fun, big, big fun
11:38I was gonna freshen up for you
11:40But I blacked out a little on the way to the bathroom
11:45Survival training, is that like camping?
11:48Uh-huh
11:48Except you don't have food
11:50Or water
11:51And they don't have a sunset Sabbath service
11:55Like they do at Camp Hess Kramer
11:58Do you sleep in tents?
12:00No
12:00I slept in a hole
12:03I dug in the ground
12:05With my bare hands
12:08And at some point during the night
12:11An armadillo crawled in
12:15And spooned me
12:19Poor baby
12:20But I did it
12:21I survived
12:22I wasn't sure I was going to
12:24When the sandstorm hit
12:28Just pulled my turtleneck up over my head
12:30And waited for death
12:35But somehow, as I sat there
12:38Wrapped in a cocoon of my own neck sweat
12:42I found that primal part of the human spirit
12:46That just wants to keep on living
12:50No matter what the cost
12:52You're so brave
12:54I'm proud of you
12:55I ate a butterfly
13:04It was so small
13:09Beautiful
13:12I was so hungry
13:17Are you crying?
13:19No, I don't think it's possible
13:21I'm severely dehydrated
13:25My pee is like toothpaste
13:29Chloe, if you're not able to do this
13:31Come home
13:32It won't change how I feel about you
13:35Thanks, honey
13:36But I can't quit
13:38If I do, I'd just be a guy
13:40Who had a chance to be an astronaut
13:43And gave it up
13:44Well, is there anything I could do to help?
13:47No
13:49Wait, send more underwear
14:02Don't let this be Sheldon playing bongos
14:09Please don't let this be Sheldon playing bongos
14:20Hello, Leonard
14:21Do you like my bongos?
14:24Bet you didn't know that I had bongos
14:29Sheldon, it's three o'clock in the morning
14:31Three in the morning is a good time for bongos
14:36I was sleeping
14:37Leonard sleeps while I play bongos
14:42No, he doesn't
14:43Leonard no sleep
14:44While I play bongos
14:46Bongo solo
14:52Stop, stop, stop, stop, stop
14:55Stop it
15:01What the hell?
15:03Oh, hi, Penny
15:03Guess what?
15:04Sheldon got bongos
15:05Why did you get bongos?
15:08Richard Feynman played the bongos
15:09I thought I'd give that a try
15:11Richard Feynman was a famous physicist
15:12Leonard, it's three o'clock in the morning
15:14I don't care if Richard Feynman was a purple leprechaun
15:16Who lived in my butt
15:19Penny meant if he were a purple leprechaun
15:22Penny forgot to use the subjunctive
15:27Sheldon, go to bed
15:28You have work in the morning
15:29Maybe, maybe not
15:31Maybe tomorrow I start a bongo band
15:33And tour the world
15:36Hang on
15:37Roommate agreement
15:40No hootenannies, sing-alongs, or barbershop quartets after 10pm
15:45Roommate agreement
15:46Are you kidding?
15:47We are living in a world of chaos
15:50Roommate agreement
15:53Where are you going?
15:55Wherever the music takes me, kitten
16:00I play bongos walking down the stairs
16:03Oh!
16:05Oh!
16:06Oh!
16:08Never play bongos walking down the stairs
16:17Surprise!
16:19What are you doing here?
16:21I'm here to help you get through this
16:22You can't do it on your own
16:23You need someone to take care of you
16:25Oh, I love you so much
16:27Oh, and I love you
16:29Howard, your bath is getting cold!
16:34Don't worry, once she falls asleep
16:36I'll spoon you like an armadillo
16:42He showed up in the middle of the night with his bongos
16:46I foolishly thought it was some sort of musical booty call
16:52Poor guy
16:52He must have been exhausted
16:55Sheldon left his knee
16:56Right, I'm going to go
16:57It was kind of uncalled for
17:03No, it was confident
17:05What's going on?
17:07All right, Sheldon
17:07This craziness has gone on long enough
17:09Please come home so I can cut your hair
17:12Penny, you're not trained
17:13You're not licensed
17:15Most importantly, you don't have access to my haircut records
17:21All right, honey, look
17:23We've known each other for a long time now, right?
17:26I've taken you to Disneyland
17:28I kicked a bully in the nuts for you
17:31I sing you Soft Kitty when you're sick
17:34You've even seen me naked once
17:35I'm sorry, no, what?
17:39It was a long story
17:40Anyway, Sheldon, I promise I know what I'm doing
17:42Please let me cut your hair
17:45Amy, what do you think?
17:48There's not a hair on my body
17:49I wouldn't let this woman trim
17:59Fine
18:00Let's go
18:04Thank you for letting me sleep on your couch
18:06There's only so many times a woman can say
18:08How about the bed?
18:12What's this about Sheldon seeing you naked?
18:14Oh, relax
18:15It was just her bottom and her breasts
18:24Almost done
18:26At the end of the haircut
18:27Mr. D'Onofrio would tell me a dirty joke
18:32Sorry, I don't know any dirty jokes
18:34That's okay
18:35I never understood them anyway
18:39Okay, what do you think?
18:44Hmm, well
18:46It's a little Hollywood
18:50I think I can pull it off
18:52Well done, honey
18:53Told you
18:54Okay, I'm just going to clean up your neck a little
18:56And then you are good to go
18:57I'm tight
18:59I'm sorry
19:00Sometimes the clippers tickle me
19:03Okay
19:06Okay
19:06Okay, yeah
19:12We're all done now
19:13It's just
19:14It's good
19:14Let me just take that away from you
19:16Okay
19:17Thank you very much
19:18You are welcome
19:24Yeah, I'm going to have to move
19:30Uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh,
19:55uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh,
19:59uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh,
19:59uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh.
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