00:03it was a nice retirement party i guess still it's a shame professor rothman was forced to step down
00:09what choice did the university have he snapped it happens to theoretical physicists all the time
00:15i wonder how long sheldon's got these shrimp are all the same size
00:21there's no logical order to eat them in
00:26can't be very long
00:28hey look there's rothman's empty office sad yeah indeed dibs
00:40what's up fellas what are you doing here kripke ah measuring my new office for drapes
00:46this is not your office it hasn't been assigned yet wong i called dibs at the christmas party when
00:51professor watman tried to have intercourse with the toys for tots collection box
00:56dibs i mean this is a university not a playground offices are not assigned because someone called
01:00dibs you just called dibs shut it
01:04offices are assigned by seniority i arrived at the university first i arrived at the office first
01:09i'm the proverbial uri bird
01:12gentlemen
01:13sister rothman
01:14sister rothman
01:25i'm glad that men are wearing hats again they're so distinguished
01:32our whole universe was in a hot tent state that nearly 14 million years ago expansion started
01:39way around the earth began to cool the autotrophs began to drool meanderthals developed tools we built
01:44the wall we built the pyramids mad science history unraveling the mystery that all started with the big bang
01:50hey
01:57i got you a little something a little something oh
02:00hey
02:05this is huge what's huge is what you've done for me
02:08oh no amy i haven't done anything no no before i met you i was a mousy wallflower but look
02:13at me now
02:13i'm like some kind of downtown hipster party girl
02:17with a posse boyfriend and a new lace bra that hooks in the front of all things
02:23open it open it
02:25okay
02:35i wanted to get you something you didn't have
02:39wow
02:40i i don't know what just wow
02:44do you like it do i like it wow
02:49so uh where are you gonna hang it oh my god hang it wow um
02:53you know i'd have to get a hook and nails and a hammer
02:57no problem oh look
02:58you just you got it all right there well
03:08i found him he's in the bathroom
03:11president siebert can't this wait i'm sorry we just need a word now you realize i'm your boss and i'm
03:17holding my penis
03:19sheldon give the man some privacy i'm sorry this guy's got no respect for boundaries
03:25what do you want will you tell this woman to check that professor watman's office is whitefully mine can't you
03:30take this up with your department chairman we tried his assistant said he was on sabbatical although we distinctly heard
03:36his office window open and shut
03:39gentlemen there's a task i'm trying to accomplish here and i'm having trouble doing it
03:43oh my president siebert i don't mean to be an alarmist but difficulty initiating a urine stream could be a
03:49symptom of benign prostatic hyperplasia
03:52if you're interested i can send you a link to a youtube video that'll show you how to perform your
03:56own rectal exam
03:59uh helpful hint trim your nails first
04:04ignore him president siebert i'm sure a young man such as yourself has a perfectly
04:08healthy prostate
04:09no he's just trying to butter you up and for the record butter is an excellent lubricant for your rectal
04:15exam
04:16gentlemen i'm going to allow the two of you to work this out because a you're both brilliant scientists
04:21and b as far as who gets rothman's office i couldn't give the furry crack of a rat's behind
04:32well as long as we're here i might as well take a week
04:38kripke yes you're in my spot
04:58that is big so big
05:03and ugly so ugly
05:06what am i gonna do i don't know you can't take it down you'll break her heart
05:11look at that face that enormous unsettling crazy face
05:20is there any chance i'll learn to love it
05:22it depends do you like pictures of yourself where you look like a man
05:28all right it's gotta go
05:30what will you tell amy
05:32how about i tell her the painting makes you feel jealous because you're not in it
05:36oh no what if she gets me one
05:41i already have a picture of me and howard's mom getting our hair corn road in venice beach i've suffered
05:45enough
05:47i guess i could take it down and put it up when she comes over but it's kind of heavy
05:51too bad you're not as strong as the dude in the painting
05:58would you look at this i paid 25 to some kid on ebay for a handcrafted harry potter wand
06:03he sent me a stick
06:08he ran into his backyard he picked up a stick
06:13it's numbered
06:14ooh limited edition
06:16nice
06:19oh that'll be kripke
06:20what's he doing here
06:22we're going to work this office situation out like gentlemen
06:24and if that doesn't work i'm going to poison his tea
06:28koopa
06:29kripke
06:30come in
06:31i'm making tea
06:33would you like a cup
06:34am i wearing a summer fook no i don't want tea
06:39let's get down to brass tacks
06:41fine
06:41in the interest of preserving our friendship
06:45we're not friends
06:46well
06:46that's a little hard to hear but all right
06:50as you know
06:51the essence of diplomacy is compromise
06:54with that in mind i propose the following
06:56i will take rothman's office and you will find a way to be okay with that
07:04how about i take watman's office and you go suck a women
07:16you sure i can't get you that cup of tea
07:19how about you decide this with rock paper scissors lizards fuck
07:24what the freak is that
07:27rock paper scissors lizard spock was created by internet pioneer sam cass as an improvement on the classic game rock
07:33paper scissors all hail sam cass hail
07:38how does it work
07:39oh it's very simple
07:41scissors cuts paper
07:42paper covers rock
07:43rock crushes lizard
07:45lizard poisons spock
07:46spock smashes scissors
07:48scissors decapitates lizard
07:49lizard eats paper
07:51paper disproves spock
07:52spock vaporizes rock
07:54and as it always has
07:55rock crushes scissors
08:01i'm sorry can you repeat that
08:04well of course
08:05scissors cuts paper
08:06paper covers rock
08:07rock crushes lizard
08:08lizard poisons spock
08:10spock smashes scissors
08:11scissors decapitates lizard
08:12lizard eats paper
08:13paper disproves spock
08:15spock vaporizes rock
08:16and as it always has
08:17rock crushes scissors
08:21almost got it one more time paper covers rock stop screwing with you is he well then seems
08:32we have reached an impasse i see no other option than to challenge you to a duel i'd smack you
08:38with a glove but just last week i packed away my winter things it's the 21st century you can't
08:44have a duel hang on howard barry how good of a shot are you not pistols mines a trivia contest
08:56and you
08:57may choose the field of battle star trek trivia star trek next generation trivia star trek deep
09:02space 9 trivia star trek voyager trivia or model trains you have a complete advantage in trivia
09:10you have an eidetic memory plus i haven't watched star trek since i discovered the strip club near
09:14my apartment has a free buffet it's gonna be hard to find something you're both equally good at
09:21is there anything you're both equally bad at sports
09:29all right this is one-on-one first person to five wins the office any questions yes sheldon five what
09:37balls in the basket
09:55it's that white
10:06time went out of womb
10:11you know all those terrible things bullies used to do to us yeah i get it
10:22out
10:28hey he did that on purpose no he didn't nothing that's happening here is being done on purpose
10:36okay uh forget one-on-one let's try a free throw contest first person who makes a basket wins the
10:42office making it too easy there hofstetter no no i'm not
10:50use the force sheldon use the force
10:58i'm gonna need more force
11:01all right cooper prepare to have your heart broken
11:09do we get points for that
11:30all right we gave it 45 minutes it's no longer funny let's try something else
11:34else
11:36what do you propose uh on the count of three both of you bounce the balls as hard as you
11:40can the
11:41highest bounce wins the office oh you are going down cooper i don't think so kripke i've
11:46bounced many a rubber ball in my day all right that's enough trash talk
11:53one two three
11:57sheldon was hired congratulations sheldon you win the office who's unsatisfactory in p.e now
12:12oh
12:13what a great movie i cannot believe you've never seen greece my mother didn't allow me to watch
12:18it she was afraid it might encourage me to join a gang
12:23i gotta go i gotta get up early my company's testing a new steroid that supposedly doesn't
12:28shrink testicles and the last one there has to do the measuring
12:32i guess i should get going too
12:36good night painting penny good night real penny good night real amy
12:43you don't have to say good night to painting amy because she's never leaving
12:50good night
12:51good night real penny bye good night transvestite penny
12:58oh okay let us take you off the wall
13:04out of sight out of mind i wish
13:12you know can i borrow that movie those singing hooligans really got my motor running
13:17sure sure enjoy i mean you get it back to me when you can or you know what actually you
13:21keep
13:22it it's just gonna be my gift to you thank you wait where'd the painting go it's right over there
13:31why i have no idea that is weird
13:37you hate it no no no it's just it's a little big i feel like an idiot come on you're
13:43not an idiot look
13:43just help me put it back up why so you can just take it down when i leave i don't
13:47need your pity
13:47oh amy come on i'm just glad i didn't go for the sculpture
13:56ah the spoils i see why victors love them
14:01i'm happy for you sheldon but i have to admit i'm going to miss sharing an office with you
14:05oh of course you are well feel free to drop by anytime thank you yeah call first
14:17oh hello
14:21professor rothman this isn't your office anymore you're retired i think the word you're looking
14:27for is invisible
14:35i came to say i'm sorry don't bother oh amy please i'm so humiliated i sat there the whole
14:41time that we were watching greece thinking you liked the painting i know i was a fool from summer
14:46loving to the very last ram-a-lam-a-lam-a-ka-ding-a-ding-a-dong
14:50you're right you're absolutely right i should have been honest with you and told you the gift was too much
14:55yes too much because our friendship is fundamentally asymmetrical i clearly like you more than you like
15:01me i don't think you can put a number on how much one person likes another i bought you a
15:06painting
15:06that's 12 square feet in area there's a number amy come if you don't like feet you can try dollars
15:12the painting sent me back three grand three oh my god look amy all you need to know is you
15:21are my
15:22friend and i don't want to lose you out of my life i'm sorry i'm just having trouble believing you
15:27right
15:27now grab your hammer no damage is done
15:35okay look i didn't want to say this but the real reason i took the painting down was
15:41because it made bernadette very jealous
15:45oh my goodness how could i have not seen that the painting is a constant reminder that of the
15:51three of us she is the least cool yeah that's that's what it is so you have such a good
15:59heart
16:00yeah i try come on well where are we going we're gonna go put this painting back up in your
16:07apartment
16:07well what about bernadette oh screw her she's just lucky we let her hang out with us
16:34what are you doing i'm trying to raise the temperature in here before my nipples tear
16:38through my shirt why don't you just turn up the thermostat aha good question it turns out the
16:45thermostat for my new office isn't in my new office no it's next door in professor davenport's office
16:51who is currently enjoying the hot flashes associated with menopause why is there a hole here why is there
16:58a hole in my new office i've narrowed it down to two possibilities uh there was something in the wall
17:04that someone outside the wall wanted or the more disturbing there was something in the wall that
17:09wanted out at least you finally got a window that opens that's nice is it listen
17:18what you don't like wind chimes no i hate them but it gets worse
17:24there it is a bird it's completely out of tune with the wind chimes so you don't get it do
17:32you
17:33that's a mockingbird mockingbirds can change their song which means he's out of tune on purpose
17:39he's mocking me oh dear there it is again do you feel it the growing realization that you are one
17:46wacky bastard yeah no the vibration we are directly underneath the geology lab and they're running
17:53their confounded sieve shakers again hey gravel monkeys you need to shake rocks try jiggling your
17:57heads around chalden relax how can i relax my nervous system is being stretched out like the
18:04strings of a harp and blocked by holes and birds and wind and the low-hanging scrotum of the difficult
18:10to evict professor rothman if they're not happy why don't you just let pripke have the office wait
18:17and let him win do i look crazy to you we're trying to think down here you geode loving feldspar
18:22jockeys
18:24and you the notes are c d e g and a you pick one or i'm chopping down that tree
18:36how's that a little higher on the right now a little more no that's got it
18:45yeah okay that's uh that's good i'll let you in on a little secret originally we were painted nude
19:00but i had him add clothes because i thought it was an unnecessary challenge to our heterosexuality
19:08yeah good call but if you ever change your mind all it would take is some warm soapy water and
19:13a
19:13couple of sponges you're talking about the painting sure
19:25help somebody help
19:30what happened i was trying to see what was in here and my head got stuck
19:35why would you do that it's called scientific curiosity now go get butter hang in there i'll be right
20:13back
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