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Tv, Red Dwarf IV Disc 2 (Bonus Materia)4
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00:18What a productive day, eh?
00:20We've been in space barely nine hours
00:22and we've managed to spot nearly 248 asteroids.
00:25Marvellous.
00:26Oh, yeah. Big chief ice spire be well pleased.
00:30We give you one of them little special badges.
00:33Right, and is there any possibility we can go just a little bit faster?
00:36I mean, so we're not being overtaken by stationary objects?
00:39Yeah, and he was the rodents' equivalents of Marlon Brando.
00:42The paper boat's better on this, though.
00:44This paper boat actually looks like it's made out of paper.
00:47Somehow the original never really convinced me.
00:49Well, they obviously hired the cheaper hamster
00:51and poured all the money into the special effects.
00:55Whatever happened to old Hammond?
00:56You'd better get after him, then, I'd not get him,
00:58and he might need some help.
00:59Look, it's pointless as both going off
01:01and getting terrorised to death by some deranged, rampaging mutant.
01:05It's much better if one of us stays here and survives
01:07to enjoy the full pleasure of being blown to smithereens in 17 minutes' time.
01:11This is all your fault, Lister.
01:14Where the smeg is he?
01:26This is strange, you know.
01:28You don't half remind me of someone.
01:30In fact, you look so much like it, it's untrue.
01:32Was she special?
01:34Special?
01:35She was the one true love of my life.
01:37If you discount lager milkshakes.
01:39What happened?
01:41Oh, you know, the usual.
01:42She took my heart and fed it through a car crusher.
01:45Came back about this big with a little bit of a mini-metro in it.
01:48She must have been insane.
01:49She must have been insane.
01:49She must have been insane.
02:07She must have been insane.
02:29We don't want him. Go away. You took him. You can keep the Smegger.
02:36Rima, relax, man. This is the chance you've been waiting for your entire life. The chance
02:40to meet an alien species? I think we can assume he started out as human and something happened
02:58here, something that mutated him in this unspeakable way. Yeah, he probably rented Jane Seymour's
03:03workout video by mistake. Transmographer what? What's that? Hey, maybe
03:10it's something nice. Stop thinking negative. Gene sample accepted and cloned. Please key
03:15in your genetic structure. Do nothing. Press nothing. Get Crichton.
03:30Do yourself a favor, man. Change back. Back? Become one of those poor, sappy, sad act
03:35mechanoids again? This is my dream. Yeah, but sometimes the worst thing that can
03:39happen to you is to have your dreams come true. Why? Because the dream never matches
03:43the reality. Oh, come, come, sir. You're getting far too maudlin. Hey, listen, listen. I've
03:49got a joke for you. Now, how many mechanoids does it take to change a light bulb? I don't know.
03:54Twelve. And you know why? Why? Because they're so stupid. That machine is the greatest single
04:02technological advancement mankind has ever made. Greater than fire. Greater than the wheel.
04:08Greater even than the amateur Hammond organ with built-in bossa nova rhythm. It's awesome.
04:13What about the dude with three heads? What happened to him? I won't be made of dandruff. My body will
04:19be
04:19recreated from the genetic pattern contained in its structure. Yeah, but you'll still think like dandruff.
04:24You'll be fighting this constant urge to climb on people's heads and hurl yourself around their
04:28shoulders. What do you reckon, Hol? I reckon I got it sussed. I reckon I definitely know what I'm
04:35doing. I reckon there isn't even the remotest possibility of another gaff. Then again, I might
04:40be wrong. I reckon we should try it first.
05:04Bullseye!
05:13Bullseye!
05:17Bullseye!
05:19Bullseye!
05:24Bullseye!
05:31The first female company in three million years. And I look like something that I've
05:36ever belonged up a whale's nose. Paint my head green, sit me on a cush-knuckle audition
05:40for a part in dandere.
05:43Oh, it's you. Well, thanks for visiting me, man. Thanks a lot.
05:47I kept meaning to drive by, but it was never far enough away from a meal break. Look at
05:51you. You know what you look like? It's nauseating. You could go double dating with the elephant
05:55man and he would be the looker. Hey, can't you wear a sack or something? You're so insensitive.
06:01I hope you never get space mumps. I hope you never have to walk around with five pints of
06:05guns swishing about in your head. Why isn't this activated?
06:10Who started the RP?
06:12He did.
06:13You simple-minded gim-boy. Didn't I tell you to leave this to me?
06:17I was getting impatient. I haven't seen any action since the fall of Rome. Look, what's the problem?
06:22She's in there. Let's get her around.
06:30Well, come on, guys. Everyone's done something in the past that's been a little bit illegal.
06:34I haven't. I've never so much as got a parking ticket.
06:36Neither have I.
06:37Me neither. There's only one cat law. Be cool. And I certainly never wrote that.
06:42Yeah, but most people, I mean, everyone I knew. Oh, smacking hell.
06:48So, what did you do? Well, like scrumping. When I was a kid back in Liverpool,
06:52we used to always go scrumping. Oh, stealing apples, that's hardly a crime, sir.
06:56Yeah, but me and me mates, we used to go scrumping for cars.
07:00Do you mean to say you went to a hotel and stole the bed? Stole the entire room?
07:05Tables, chairs, beds, room service, menu,
07:08complimentary sashes of artificial milk, even a Gideon Bible.
07:11The only thing I didn't steal were the towels. I'm not proud of it. Should have nicked them too.
07:17Are you absolutely despicable? You're a common thief.
07:20I was a kid. Sounds like you were Billy the Kid.
07:24Sentence to commence immediately.
07:33I've known Goforth's head now for I don't know how long,
07:36and I never dreamt anything this good could ever happen.
07:51So, if you can prove he's a sad, trumped-up weasel of a man, you can get him off?
07:55Precisely.
07:56Right, I see. But how would you begin to build such a case? Where would you conjure up the evidence?
08:00Sir, providing I can have complete free access to your personal data files,
08:04I think I could come up with the outline of a winning case by lunchtime.
08:08You really think you can convince them that I'm a clueless dipstick?
08:12Some kind of blundering, self-important, megalomaniac, cock-up artist?
08:17Sir, I bet my head on it.
08:33No, not that one, but it's such a fine example, sir.
08:36I had no way of knowing the gun was loaded.
08:39And it sounds so awful, I shot my commanding officer in the head.
08:44Sounds much worse than it was, I just grazed his temple.
08:46We need everything we can get to. What about this one here?
08:50This is one weird prison. Fields and lakes, shops and cinemas.
08:54Well, they obviously believed you can't rehabilitate criminals by taking them out of society.
08:58So they built a self-contained society, only one where crime was impossible.
09:02Impossible?
09:03You can't commit a crime here and get away with it.
09:20That's a big bird.
09:36Can you name for the court the members of Zed Shift?
09:39Yes.
09:44Name them, please.
09:46Me.
09:49So this man, who was totally dedicated to his career after 12 long years service,
09:54was in charge of just one man?
09:56All the rest requested transfers.
09:58Hmm.
09:59So Zed Shift comprised just two men?
10:02Right.
10:02And what was Zed Shift's most important duty?
10:05Objection!
10:07Overruled.
10:08Objectively overruling of my previous objection.
10:10Once again, overruled.
10:12Objection.
10:13Sir, what are you objecting to now?
10:16I want an apology.
10:17Please.
10:18It is the wish of this court that you leave this penal colony as soon as is humanly possible.
10:23The business of this court is concluded.
10:29Brilliant, Crichton. What can I say? You were brilliant.
10:31You even had me believing it. The way you twisted the facts to make them fit this pattern.
10:37And Listie, that git line. You made it sound so credible.
10:40Come on, let's get out of here.
10:50I think we should go up to this science room and consult Holly. It's only two floors up.
10:54But you've got less than two minutes of run time left.
10:56With her new IQ, it could be enough.
11:02This may take some time.
11:08Interesting.
11:22That's it. An IQ of 12,000 and that's all she gives us. David Cassidy's greatest hits.
11:28It's a computer slug. From the format, it looks like it's compatible with Starbucks Navicom.
11:34Well, let's go.
11:36Well, let's go.
11:39Well, let's go.
11:41Well, let's go.
11:44Hmm. Curious.
11:46So, what is it?
11:47I've never seen one before.
11:53I told you not to talk. Game on.
11:56You're going to drink an entire six pack of wicked strength lager?
12:00No, I'm going to drink the entire case.
12:02I play my best pool when I've had a few beers. It steadies my nerves.
12:05I'm not going to get blasted, Rimmer. Just, just nicely drunk.
12:10Define nicely drunk. Is nicely drunk horizontal or perpendicular?
12:13Rimmer, I can handle it.
12:15I'm not sure I can.
12:17Hey, look, I'm not good at much, but what I am good at, I'm really good at.
12:20Like what?
12:22Like one, I play a damn fine game of pool.
12:25Like two, I'm a tender, sensitive, considerate lover.
12:28And like three, I can belch the hole of Yankee Doodle Dandy,
12:32whilst balancing two pints of cider on me head.
12:35None of you can do that now, can you?
13:42He's missed.
13:44You're right.
13:45Nice shot, buddy. We're all dead.
13:47Wait, wait.
13:49Wait for what? You're way off.
13:51We're finished.
14:19We're finished.
14:23You're the one who kept that little boy alive.
14:25You gave that little orphan child a will to live.
14:28Sitting by his bedside day after day, night after night,
14:32holding his hand, reading him stories.
14:34You know me, chaplain.
14:36Any old excuse to get out of dinner with the admiral?
14:47What are you doing lunchtime?
14:50Not sure. Why?
14:51Because if you're interested, I'll be in my quarters covered in maple syrup.
14:56I'm sorry, Mellie. I don't fraternise with the staff.
14:59I resign.
14:59I'll be there at 1300.
15:01Don't forget the maraschino cherries.
15:04What a guy.
15:15Bye, Aids.
15:16Bye, Aids.
15:18Godspeed and bless you, son.
15:20Won't be back, will he, Bongo?
15:22Not this time.
15:23He's off to another dimension, my dear.
15:24It's a one-way ticket.
15:26But if the lab boys are right, sir, he'll find another Arnold Rimmer.
15:29They'll be fantastic friends.
15:31What a team they'll make.
15:32The best of the best working side-by-side for the good of the universe.
15:37Strange.
15:39Can I smell maple syrup?
15:53I love fishing.
15:55The glow of the dawn, the line arcing into the water, netting with the quarry, and watching
16:00them slowly suffocate to death.
16:03Marvellous sport.
16:03Good luck, everybody.
16:05Here it comes.
16:08The salt on our table is something we all too often take for granted.
16:13And yet the history of salt is as old as civilization itself.
16:18The ancient Egyptians were great believers in salt, using it both in cooking, medication,
16:23and the curious methods of taxidermy.
16:26Rameses XIII was a wife who was entirely made of salt.
16:30I assume, sir, you are making fatuous references to his sexuality.
16:34If I may just point out...
16:35You may not, Crichton.
16:37Well, he's been out there 20 minutes now.
16:40I hope he's fallen off that ledge and impaled himself on a rusty spike.
16:45Spotted shirt with nice stripy tie.
16:50Penny round colors.
16:52Oh, poor cat.
16:53I fear for his sanity.
17:05Ready?
17:07I'll smoke him a smegging kipper.
17:15Now!
17:41Hey, hey, hey.
17:43Nobody's rearranging my molecules.
17:45They stack this way for a reason.
17:47To make me the most awesome-looking guy in the universe.
17:50And it's my duty to protect that.
17:53Well, it's perfectly safe, sir.
17:55That's it?
17:56You hear?
17:57Rima's now 200,000 light years away.
18:00Man, that's still too close.
18:11What now?
18:12Well, I suggest we start to run, sir.
18:15I suggest we ambulate as fast as the local gravity will allow.
18:18Why?
18:19Because of them, sir.
18:22What are they?
18:23It's a pair of large, but on the whole, rather unconvincing dinosaurs, sir.
18:29Sir?
18:34Reach for the sky, boys.
18:36Thank you real much.
18:37Thank you now.
18:38Just take it nice and easy.
18:40No funny business or I splash your guts around like the communion wine.
18:43Okay, now get moving.
18:44Thank you real much.
18:45Which way?
18:49By the way, who are these people?
18:52Well, if my ram serves me correctly, sir, the gentleman in these shades is Elvis Presley,
18:57a 20th century R&B singer of considerable repute.
19:00The other gentleman is a 16th century pope, Gregory XIII, who was later canonized as Saint Gregory.
19:07Hey!
19:07Zip of your lip or I shoot out your eyes and your mouth and turn your head into a bowling
19:11ball.
19:13He was canonized?
19:14What was he, the patron saint of GBH?
19:24Those guys are fiends.
19:26They instantly know your weak spots.
19:28As soon as they see me, they'll know they only have to force me into platform shoes and flared trousers
19:32and I'll sing like Tweety Pie.
19:34I don't know what they're going to do, they're Nazis, they could do anything.
19:38Look, it turns into handbags.
19:40Well, there are worse ways to go.
19:42At least we know we can go out as matching accessories.
19:45I don't know who the other one is.
19:47That's Russ Puddin.
19:48The most hated, loathed and despised man of his era.
19:52In the end, even his friends, his own friends, turned against him.
19:55They tried to poison him, shoot him, hang him.
19:57Finally, they tied him in a weighted sack and threw him in the river.
20:01Well, that's not what you call true friends, is it?
20:03This machine, how does it work?
20:13This place is incredible, sir.
20:15There used to be over 10,000 wax droids here.
20:19Now there's barely a handful left.
20:21The whole complex covers nearly a hundred square miles.
20:24Oh, the Chamber of Horrors, situated on the eastern perimeter,
20:28features a full range of 20th century food.
20:31What a challenge.
20:33The greatest minds in military history against me.
20:37Let's pray they're up to it.
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