00:01Lily, I just saw the worst thing ever.
00:04Kind of busy right now, Margell.
00:05Quiet, he can hear you.
00:06Who's he?
00:07He's coming.
00:08Everyone shut up.
00:09Okay, kids, you're probably wondering how we all got here.
00:13Oh, hey, buddy, can we borrow your air mattress?
00:15My mom's coming into town for a few days.
00:16Absolutely not.
00:18Bummer, I guess she can't stay with us.
00:20Hey, look, Gwen, I just found a list of hotels
00:23and other creative housing options.
00:26Baby, my mom's not staying at a hotel.
00:28Or our storage unit.
00:30Why can't we borrow your air mattress?
00:32Because when you animals borrow things, you never return them.
00:35That's ridiculous.
00:36No, my Cleveland, Ohio Chamber of Commerce mini-cooler is ridiculous.
00:41Ridiculous at keeping stuff cold
00:42while also promoting Ohio's second-largest rubber producer.
00:45Watch your back, Akron.
00:47I totally gave that back.
00:49And what about that Vote for Ted hoodie
00:51from when I ran for treasurer in high school?
00:54Mrs. Gooding said my concession speech was, quote,
00:58full of grace.
00:59I don't recall borrowing that.
01:02And whatever happened to my limited edition DVD
01:05of the classic 1989 Silverman McCarthy romp
01:08Weekend at Bernie's borrowed well over six months ago?
01:12Yeah, I'm keeping that.
01:13Those extra features are awesome.
01:15And that making of documentary?
01:17How Bernie avoided the gurney-a-cinematic journey.
01:20Look, I'm just tired of people borrowing things
01:23and never returning them.
01:24If you don't believe me, ask my ex-friend, Stuart.
01:28Ted, I gave your red cowboy boots back the day after Halloween.
01:31How could you lie to me?
01:33Right to my face, Stuart.
01:34You are a horrible human being.
01:39Congrats on your daughter's Christmas.
01:42And where's the worst abuser of my generosity, Barney?
01:45Or should I say, borrow-knee?
01:48You should never say that.
01:49And I think he's out with Patrice.
01:51Ugh, Patrice?
01:52That's still happening?
01:53Kids, you remember Patrice.
01:55She worked with your Aunt Robin.
01:56Robin!
01:57You left your purse at the vending machine
01:59and some guy tried to steal it.
02:01I fought him off,
02:02but I think I dislocated my shoulder.
02:06You scratched the leather!
02:08Ugh!
02:08Can I do anything right, Patrice?
02:11That Barney and Patrice thing is so bogus.
02:14He's clearly trying to get back at me for rejecting him.
02:17Um, Robin, after you rejected Barney,
02:19didn't he reject you?
02:21And didn't you go over to his place
02:22and try to sleep with him
02:23in your purple and black underwear?
02:25Hey, uh, Lil, feel free to disregard that
02:27don't-tell-anyone-about-this-ever thing.
02:30She has your mini-cooler.
02:31I knew it.
02:32But seriously, what other reason
02:34would Barney have to date Patrice?
02:36It's an overcorrection.
02:37How dare you?
02:38What is that?
02:39Barney was engaged to Quinn,
02:42a stripper he never really trusted,
02:43so he overcorrects by dating her opposite,
02:46warm and nurturing Patrice.
02:47That does happen.
02:49Like, Ted, after you broke up
02:50with sweet, innocent Victoria.
02:53No, you hang up first.
02:54No, you hang up.
02:55No, you hang up first.
02:57Hang up, you little bitch!
03:01Overcorrection.
03:01Yeah.
03:02And it's not just relationships.
03:03Remember when that comedy club owner
03:05told Marshall that his funny fish name
03:06stand-up act didn't have enough edge?
03:09Flounder.
03:09I barely know her.
03:11Oh!
03:14Overcorrection.
03:15Although it was better
03:16than his Chris Rock ripoff.
03:17A trout with a daughter
03:19has one job.
03:21One job!
03:23To keep her off the fishing pole!
03:26You suck.
03:28Billy?
03:44I'm a little worried about Ted.
03:46I mean, we're parents now,
03:49and even Barney is moving on.
03:51I just wish he had someone to talk to,
03:54even for a week or, you know,
03:57four days, three nights.
03:58My mom is not staying with Ted.
03:59He'd love her baking gummy bear pancakes.
04:01I'm her special boy.
04:03I get her special pancakes.
04:04But my dad is here nannying all the time.
04:07Then add your mom in.
04:08This place is crowded enough already.
04:12Hey, Lil.
04:13Let me know how the pump's working.
04:15I cleaned it for you.
04:16It's fine, Dad.
04:17Yeah, I had to check the suction,
04:19so I tested it on myself.
04:21Oh, no.
04:22Don't worry.
04:23The suction's fine.
04:24Actually kind of nice.
04:29Okay.
04:30Barney is so not for real about Patrice.
04:32Today, he did the craziest,
04:34most clearly staged for my benefit thing ever.
04:37Hey, Patrice.
04:38You ready for lunch?
04:38Sure.
04:41Right?
04:42Right?
04:43I mean, what's next?
04:45Birthday gifts?
04:47Wake up, people.
04:48This is not an overcorrection.
04:49It's fraud.
04:51And we need to keep trying to stop this.
04:53What do you mean, keep trying?
04:56Barney is not who you think he is.
04:58What do you mean?
04:59Well, he has a book of plays
05:01he uses to trick women into sleeping with him.
05:04Oh, no way.
05:05Barney's my honey bear.
05:06Actually, one of his plays is called The Honey Bear.
05:09He dresses up like Winnie the Pooh,
05:10and the next thing you know,
05:11his head's stuck in your pot.
05:13Robin, you're a doll for worrying about me,
05:15but that doesn't sound at all like my Barney.
05:19Why won't you let me help you, Patrice?
05:23I mean, she can't see that Barney is using her,
05:25and it breaks my heart.
05:28You know, I love Patrice.
05:30We're like sisters.
05:31You've never gotten through even one exchange
05:33without screaming at her.
05:34Sisters fight, Ted!
05:36But the bond is always there, okay?
05:40Okay.
05:40And that's why I need to steal the playbook
05:42and show it to Patrice so she'll believe me.
05:45Or you could do almost anything else
05:49and not sound so creepy.
05:52Robin, seriously, this obsession isn't healthy.
05:55Just let it go.
05:58Maybe you guys are right.
06:01Thanks for talking some sense into me.
06:09Lily, can I ask you a question?
06:12If it's did somebody put gravel
06:13in the couch cushions you're sleeping on,
06:15absolutely not.
06:16What would be the motive?
06:18No, it's not that.
06:20Uh, don't tell Marshall,
06:21because he's not ready,
06:22but I think I might want to get back out there
06:27and meet a nice man.
06:29Wow, that's great, Judy.
06:31And I thought you might be able to help
06:33because you always look so good.
06:34You think I look good?
06:36I mean, you dress like a Duluth street walker,
06:39but my son seems to like it.
06:42I'll take it.
06:44So, any advice?
06:46Well, first, I'd throw out any giant sweater
06:49with a horse on it.
06:50Even the ones...
06:51Even the ones that have manes
06:52with real horse hair, yes.
06:53And second, I'd let the gals out
06:55to play a little more.
06:57The gals?
07:01Oh, you mean the Minnesota Twins.
07:06Meanwhile, Robin was about to give up
07:08on ever finding the playbook.
07:12Until...
07:18Oh, the bro code.
07:20Damn it!
07:22Oh!
07:36David Lee Roth's autobiography?
07:38Crap!
07:41To the best wingman ever,
07:42we'll always have Panama.
07:43Love, Diamond Dave.
07:53Patrice, it's really nice of you
07:55to buy Robin a new purse,
07:56but it's not your fault
07:57if the other one got scratched.
08:01Well, just get yourself over here.
08:02I've got the tree, the decorations,
08:04and the know-how from Lethal Weapon 2
08:05to pop that shoulder
08:06right back into place.
08:08Yep, there is not one reason
08:10to leave this apartment
08:11for even a second tonight.
08:16Ow.
08:22Hey, how's my favorite architect
08:24other than incredibly handsome?
08:25Hey, Mom.
08:26No, it's Robin.
08:28What do you need?
08:29For reasons that aren't important,
08:31I'm trapped in Barney's closet.
08:32Help get me out,
08:33and I'll return your weekend
08:34at Barney's DVD.
08:35No way.
08:36That's not enough
08:36to get me involved
08:37in your crazy mess.
08:38I'll also go with you
08:39to the five-day fan convention
08:41in the desert.
08:41You'll come with me
08:42to Bernie Man?
08:43Yes, just tell me.
08:46Ooh, someone's excited
08:48to see me.
08:50Who's Mama's big boy?
08:52Who's Mama's big boy?
08:57Wait.
08:58I am.
09:00Mickey?
09:01And I've been dead.
09:07Get off my mommy!
09:20Hugh Hefner,
09:22in your lobby,
09:22right now.
09:23I'm gonna grab my robe.
09:34Teddy's first Christmas.
09:36Barney, are these my ornaments?
09:38That could be anyone's
09:39baby handprint, Ted.
09:40Now, come on.
09:41He's half so old,
09:42but he moves like a cheetah.
10:06Why would you do that?
10:09with Mickey.
10:11I've been lonely, Marshall.
10:14And all the men in St. Cloud's idea of romance
10:16is taking me ice fishing.
10:19That was me and your father's thing.
10:22Plus, call it an overcorrection,
10:24but it's kind of nice being with a sophisticated big city man.
10:30You know, I don't know what the big deal is.
10:33You've been bumping uglies with my daughter for years.
10:35The second I climb up on your mom, it's the end of the world.
10:41How could you think that was Hef?
10:43It was an honest mistake.
10:44That guy was black, Ted.
10:47I guess I just don't notice that kind of stuff.
11:02We'll get to the grotto one day, my pet.
11:06One day.
11:08That's my favorite architect, other than well-endowed.
11:11Mom?
11:11No, it's Robin again.
11:13Look, you've got to come back in and get my purse.
11:16Nope, I'm done. Bye, Robin.
11:17Wait, what if I told you
11:19I was looking at your red cowboy boots right now?
11:23Describe them.
11:24They're red in their cowboy boots.
11:26That's them.
11:27Why are they at Barney's?
11:29Hey, Barney.
11:30Just returning, Ted's boots are barred for Halloween.
11:33You were a cowboy?
11:34No, my wife was Wonder Woman.
11:36Can you believe Ted thinks a guy can get laid wearing these?
11:41Challenge accepted.
11:45Do you know what that sound is, Ted?
11:48That's a red boot about to be savagely cut in by my pocket knife.
11:51You mean my pocket knife.
11:53I lent it to you two years ago.
12:00Hey, sorry about the Hugh Hefner mix-up.
12:03But seriously, Jon Bon Jovi is downstairs.
12:06You sure it isn't my landlady, Mrs. Takahashi?
12:09I'm serious.
12:09The janitor just mopped the floor.
12:11Bon Jovi is literally standing next to a sign
12:13that says, slippery when wet.
12:15And I want those ornaments back.
12:37Damn it, Ted.
12:38You get those ornaments all year.
12:40I just need them for Christmas.
12:43Oh, hey, Patrice.
12:44Did you have any trouble finding Rudolph?
12:45No, it was right on Ted's fire escape, like you said.
12:48Are you sure he's okay with us borrowing it?
12:50Positive.
12:55I got your purse.
12:56Oh, Ted, you're the best.
12:58But I'm trapped in Barney's living room closet.
12:59Oh, Ted, you're the worst.
13:01Enough mess of a round.
13:02I'm calling in the wolf.
13:03Lily?
13:04Lily.
13:13What are you doing here?
13:15What are you doing here?
13:16Hold on.
13:17Marshall's calling me on the other line.
13:22Millie, I just saw the worst thing ever.
13:24Kind of busy right now, Marshall.
13:26Quiet.
13:26He can hear you.
13:27Who's he?
13:27He's coming.
13:28Everyone shut up.
13:39I'm just going to grab this star to put on top of the tree.
13:42It's going to be legend, wait for it, Mary.
13:54What are you doing here, Lily?
13:56I've been using Barney's apartment to pump milk for Marvin.
13:59What?
14:00Why?
14:01Our apartment is so crowded these days, I don't get a minute to myself.
14:05I have a key to Barney's apartment.
14:07He has a kick-ass couch, and he DVRs all the Real Housewives shows,
14:10including the reunion specials.
14:23What are you doing here?
14:25I came to get the playbook so I could show Patrice who Barney really is.
14:28Why can't you just let them be happy?
14:31Because they're not really happy, Lily.
14:32Patrice, can you grab my computer from the bedroom?
14:34I want to change my Facebook status to happy.
14:38You shouldn't have that.
14:40You're right.
14:52Where is Ted?
14:55My label maker.
14:58No, I'm never coming out.
15:01You know, Marshall, you've been in there for a while now,
15:04and I couldn't help but notice you chugged that super big gall.
15:09It's not going to work, Mickey.
15:10My bladder is as big as your betrayal.
15:13I see.
15:14So it's not going to bother you to think about leaky faucets,
15:17or open hydrants, rushing rivers, or, oh, God, I got to pee.
15:26What is this?
15:27Where did you find that?
15:30I didn't want to believe that this existed, but is this the playbook?
15:34Let's see, why is we out of this one?
15:37Yes, it is.
15:39These are all the tricks I used to get women to sleep with me.
15:43What do you mean, tricks?
15:47Like, the two can play at that game.
15:53Can I help you?
15:54I'm sorry to be the one to tell you this, but...
15:57my wife is having an affair with your husband.
16:00I even found a list of every dirty way they've enjoyed each other's bodies.
16:05I wish there was some way we could get back at them.
16:09There is.
16:11We can kill them.
16:21I'm sorry to be the one to tell you this.
16:24You're not who I thought you were.
16:26Patrice.
16:27I need some air.
16:31Come on, Patrice.
16:32Patrice, you've got to be kidding me.
16:40Wait, is that my mini-cooler?
16:42Not now, Tim.
16:42Let's go.
16:48Patrice, I have done some sleazy stuff to seduce women,
16:52but I want to be a better person.
16:55You make me want to be a better person.
16:57I can't be with a man who has a playbook.
17:00Patrice, I understand.
17:11Whoa.
17:14Whoa.
17:15Whoa.
17:16Is that my garbage can?
17:23I knew you were a keeper.
17:26Oh.
17:27Oh.
17:34I should go explain this to the super.
17:36Hey, come with.
17:37There's a small chance John Bon Jovi's down in the lobby.
17:39You Give Love a Bad Name is the first track on my Get Psyched Mix.
17:43Mine, too.
17:51You still don't believe those two are for real.
17:54I'll take that.
17:56Ted Mosby's store is officially closed.
17:59What's spilled in here?
18:00Breast milk.
18:02Seriously, I give and give, and all I ask back is a little bit of respect.
18:13Okay, so tonight got weird.
18:16You have no idea.
18:17My mom's apparently ready to get back out there.
18:20Marshall, she told me all about it, and I was happy to help.
18:24You helped?
18:25Why?
18:26I know it's hard to think of your mom as a woman with needs,
18:29but you have to let her get out there
18:31and rediscover her sexuality with someone special.
18:36Oh, you don't know?
18:37No.
18:38Uh, Marshall, I do know.
18:40You just think it's gross because it's your parent,
18:43but you know what?
18:44It's beautiful.
18:48My mom and your dad are humping.
18:55I think you should be happy for them.
18:57What?
18:57What?
18:58Why?
18:58What is good about this?
19:00Well, first of all, respect to Mickey.
19:03Your mom's a piece.
19:04She's not Ted's mom, but she's a piece.
19:07And secondly, I mean, it's nice that they found each other.
19:12Sometimes you fall for someone you'd never expect,
19:14but that doesn't make it wrong.
19:16Doesn't everyone deserve to be happy?
19:19I guess none of us thought of it that way.
19:22Next round's on me.
19:27Wow.
19:28I know.
19:30Barney's lost it.
19:31He needs an intervention.
19:33Oh.
19:33Oh, God.
19:34Robin, after everything we've seen,
19:37do you still think Barney's faking this?
19:39No.
19:40But we have to stop it.
19:41Barney is not Barney anymore.
19:43People change.
19:44But not this fast and this drastically.
19:46This is a cry for help, okay?
19:48If I was out of control, I would want you guys to help me.
19:51So, what do you say?
19:52Intervention?
19:56Intervention.
19:58Oh, good.
19:59You're all here.
20:00Um, when Barney shows up,
20:02it's important for him not to feel ganged up on.
20:04So, let's start with, um,
20:07we love you and we're worried about you.
20:08We love you and we're worried about you.
20:12Oh, great.
20:13But, you know, with less pity in your eyes.
20:16Sweetie, sit down.
20:18Uh, no, only the person getting the intervention sits down.
20:22Yeah.
20:25Oh.
20:27Please tell me this is about my drinking.
20:31Damn it.
20:38So, we, um,
20:39we just wanted to say
20:40that we're sorry
20:42for the way that we acted
20:44when we found out
20:45about you two.
20:48Your happiness is what
20:49is most important,
20:51so if you two want a date,
20:53it's okay by us.
20:55Who said anything about dating?
20:57This is just about sex.
20:59We're family.
21:02With benefits.
21:30We're family.
21:33We're family.
21:34We're family.
21:37We're family.
21:39We're family.
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