00:01Kids, in the fall of 2010,
00:03our friends Stuart and Claudia had a baby,
00:05and Lily and Marsha were the first
00:07to visit the happy new parents.
00:08So, have you guys landed on a name yet?
00:10We're trying, but it's tougher than you think.
00:12You see, I like Tiffany.
00:14And I don't want my daughter to have a whore's name.
00:16That's my mother's name.
00:17I know.
00:19Oh, I got it. How about we name the baby after you?
00:21Frigid Shrew.
00:23Oh, that's good. No, no, no, no.
00:25Let's call her Vodka. Then at least we know you.
00:27Hold her tight and never let her go.
00:29Don't knock the vodka. Wouldn't have a kid without it.
00:32Oh, that's...
00:33Stuart, you are so...
00:35That's not gonna be us, right?
00:36I mean, how hard can it be to name a baby?
00:39Right? Yeah.
00:40Just look at her. She's clearly, uh...
00:42Lisa. Emily.
00:44Lisa?
00:47Uh-oh.
01:03Okay. I made a list of awesome baby names.
01:06Starting at the top, number one...
01:08I'm gonna stop you right there, Marshall.
01:10You name a chubby white kid LeBron,
01:12and he's the one getting stuffed in the basketball hoop.
01:15Then I'm also crossing off, um, Shaquille,
01:18Hakeem...
01:19and Dikembe.
01:22Hey, what about Rob?
01:23Rob?
01:24No.
01:25Why not?
01:26Hey, Rob, what are you gonna make? A turkey?
01:30Honka! Honka!
01:34I'm not Rob.
01:36Um, how about... Ryan?
01:43Not Brian.
01:45Johnny?
01:47Hey, where's the goldfish?
01:54Not Johnny.
01:57Or Gil.
02:01Jeremy.
02:06Jeremy, no!
02:12Definitely not Jeremy.
02:14His stuff was so derivative.
02:16Well, I mean, jeez, Lily.
02:18Well, whatever you do,
02:19do not name your baby Becky, right?
02:22Why?
02:23What?
02:24Becky.
02:25My new co-anchor?
02:26Hey, don't you guys ever watch the show?
02:28Oh, honey, I'm really shy.
02:29Our DVR will recognize it as a television program.
02:32I watched.
02:34Robin insisted I confirm how awful Becky is,
02:37so last night I checked it out.
02:40Peace talks in the region
02:41have been described as productive.
02:43Becky?
02:44Last night in Staten Island,
02:46a taco cart owner was robbed at gunpoint.
02:49Oh, that's so sad.
02:52Becky, we're journalists.
02:54We can't get emotional about the news.
02:55Oh, no!
02:57They stole all his money
02:58and then posted him with his own taco meat.
03:00Who would do that?
03:02Well, if you read the story,
03:03we might find out.
03:05Oh, can I do this one about the horse?
03:09I love horsies.
03:10Mm-hmm.
03:12Oh, the horse died!
03:14Guys, this news is all really sad.
03:19Okay, no holds barred.
03:21What'd you think of Becky?
03:25Uh...
03:25I love you.
03:28I thought she was charming.
03:29Oh, you too.
03:30Could somebody please explain to me
03:32why the little girl act works on men?
03:34Like the long version or the short version?
03:35Short version.
03:37Short version.
03:39Who's your daddy?
03:40Aww.
03:41You know, would you think about that?
03:43That phrase is really creepy.
03:45No, it's not.
03:45It's fun.
03:46Here, watch this.
03:47Hey, Lily.
03:50Who's your daddy?
03:52Okay, let me get this straight.
03:53So, in this scenario,
03:55because you make such sweet love to Lily,
03:57she is now your daughter.
03:58No, she is not my daughter.
04:00I'm just her daddy.
04:03Wow, that is disgusting.
04:04Exactly.
04:05It's not like the opposite would work.
04:06There's no way a guy can pick up a girl
04:08going around talking like a little boy.
04:10Challenge accepted.
04:11No.
04:12I, Barney Stinson,
04:13will pick up a girl
04:15while talking like a little boy.
04:17Nobody used to do that.
04:18Okay.
04:20Here's my list of baby names.
04:22What about Tara?
04:23No.
04:24Not Tara.
04:25Tara was the hottest girl in my high school.
04:27We were all, like, obsessed with her.
04:29We didn't just talk about her
04:30and fantasize about her.
04:32We wrote songs about her.
04:34Tara, your booty is so smooth.
04:40And I hope this isn't rude.
04:45But I wanna get up on it.
04:50Not Tara.
04:51What about Esther?
04:56Gentlemen, gentlemen,
04:57on the main stage,
04:58give it up for Esther.
05:00Uh-oh.
05:02Hey, Barney,
05:02that prime rib was surprisingly good,
05:04but it's 10.30 in the morning.
05:06I don't need to see a lady get naked and dance.
05:08Oh, Esther gets naked,
05:09but she doesn't dance.
05:11Then what does she do?
05:20Sweet Mother Nature!
05:26That was my card!
05:29Gentlemen, gentlemen,
05:30give it up for...
05:32Esther!
05:37Not Esther.
05:38I need a drink.
05:40I need a drink.
05:45Marshal, your list is entirely boy names.
05:48You do realize
05:48there's roughly a 50% chance
05:50of you having a daughter, right?
05:51Okay, honestly,
05:52I've never thought about having a girl.
05:54I don't want to think about having a girl.
05:55Tara, Esther,
05:57can you imagine being
05:58one of those girls' dads?
06:01Marshal's daughter!
06:03Your booty,
06:04your booty's so smooth!
06:08Gentlemen, gentlemen,
06:09on the main stage,
06:11give it up for
06:12Marshal's daughter!
06:15He screwed up my childhood.
06:17That's why I do this.
06:22I have no idea how to raise a daughter.
06:25What if she makes bad choices?
06:27I mean, what if she ends up dating some...
06:30Oh, God.
06:32Papa,
06:32I want you to meet my new boyfriend.
06:37Hey, bro.
06:39Thanks for making such a hottie.
06:43Who's your daddy?
06:44You are,
06:45because of all the sex we have.
06:51I don't want a girl.
06:53I just want a little boy.
06:55That's not what it sounds like, folks.
07:03Hey, Mom.
07:03Hey, Dad.
07:05Marshall?
07:06Marshall?
07:06Is that you?
07:07Oh, okay.
07:08Um, you guys,
07:09you're a little too close to the camera.
07:10Can you back up a bit?
07:14How's this?
07:16Every time.
07:17Um, can you just sit in front of the computer
07:20like normal human beings?
07:22Perfect.
07:23Perfect.
07:24What's up, shooter?
07:25Um, to be honest,
07:27I'm getting a little freaked out
07:28about the idea of having a daughter.
07:30I know you two probably aren't the right people
07:31to talk to you about this.
07:32You had all boys.
07:33Oh, well, that was just dumb luck.
07:36Uh, hey, honey,
07:36would you get me a brewski from out of the shed?
07:39Sure.
07:40You want anything, Marshall?
07:41I'm in a computer, Mom.
07:44Yeah, all boys.
07:47Total coinkydink.
07:49It was no coinkydink.
07:51Since the Viking Age,
07:52the Erickson men have passed down
07:54ancient secrets for conceiving boys.
07:57Number one, avoid lemons.
07:59They're baby girl fertilizer.
08:01Okay.
08:02No offense, Dad,
08:03but I doubt there's any scientific data to support that.
08:05I doubt there's any scientific data to support that.
08:08I had all sons.
08:10Your grandfather had all sons.
08:12Your great-grandfather had all sons.
08:14Scoreboard!
08:16Who are you gonna listen to?
08:17Me?
08:18Scientific data.
08:22Members of the G8 convened today in Vienna
08:25to discuss plans to fight climate change.
08:28Why would what?
08:29Ask me what I did yesterday.
08:31Hey, Becky?
08:32Becky?
08:32This is our news segment, okay?
08:33Nobody cares what you did yesterday.
08:35Lighten up, Robin.
08:37What'd you do, sweetheart?
08:38Mike?
08:40Well, I'm new in town and don't know many people,
08:43but yesterday I met the sweetest man
08:46who took me on a tour of the city.
08:49Guys, New York is kinda cool.
08:51Okay, back to the G8 conference.
08:54Hello?
08:55Mike?
08:56Can I get in the shot?
08:58Fantastic.
09:01Then this cutie patootie took me to this bar called McLaren's
09:04right underneath his apartment.
09:06Wait.
09:07Did you go out with Ted Mosby?
09:08Yes!
09:10Guys, I've been out with Robin's roommate.
09:12I saw her bedroom.
09:15She's a messy Bessie.
09:18In other news, later today a Manhattan architect
09:21gets punched in the throat.
09:23Ow!
09:25Ted, of all the women in New York,
09:27you had to go out with an eight-year-old girl?
09:29Not what it sounds like, folks.
09:31Ted, you know that I hate her.
09:33How could you go out on a date with this girl?
09:36It wasn't a date.
09:37She came over to the apartment looking for you.
09:39I made Robin my famous choco-chip cookies.
09:42But instead of choco-chips, I used gummy bears.
09:46Hello?
09:48Ah!
09:48A spider!
09:51Let me guess.
09:52She acted like a helpless little girl,
09:54and you stepped in as the big, strong man.
09:58I don't know if that's totally true.
10:04It's okay, little darling.
10:06Poor spider.
10:07Hey, hey, hey, hey.
10:11A spider's gotta die
10:13so trees can grow.
10:17Then I held her tight,
10:19told her it was all gonna be okay.
10:23By the way, I think I only wounded the spider.
10:25It crawled off into my bedroom.
10:27Wait, is that why you slept on the couch this night?
10:29Yeah.
10:30I slept.
10:33I'm dying out here.
10:35Talking like a little boy
10:36is not working with the ladies.
10:39Wow, lady.
10:41You got some tig ol' bitties.
10:44What?
10:46Gosh.
10:48Your body's a perfect...
10:50this many.
10:53Hi.
10:54Do you wanna wrestle with our special bathing suit places?
10:58Come on.
11:01I just need two seconds, baby.
11:03I know you think that's a compliment,
11:05but I'd rather you take your time.
11:07No, um...
11:08I'll be right back.
11:17Ancient Norse wisdom
11:19tells us that to sire a son,
11:21you must do three things
11:22right before you lay with your maiden.
11:24first.
11:25Eat pickled herring.
11:29Eat it.
11:31This is ridiculous.
11:37Gentlemen, gentlemen, on the main stage,
11:39throwing her life away,
11:40giving up for Marshall's daughter.
11:46Who's your granddaddy?
11:49That guy.
12:01Hey, wanna have a three-way
12:03with me and my imaginary friend?
12:05His name's Otis.
12:09Hey, hey, wanna come to my house
12:11and play telephone?
12:12I got the string,
12:13you got the cans.
12:17I wet myself.
12:18Will you change me?
12:21Can't blame her on that one.
12:25You guys,
12:26I have some terrible, terrible news.
12:29I, Barney Stinson,
12:32can't pick up a girl
12:33whilst talking like a little boy.
12:37Challenge forfeited.
12:40Yeah, we don't care about this.
12:44I'm sorry.
12:47Hey, Gerard,
12:48what's with that shirt?
12:49Nobody can pick up a chick
12:50wearing that thing.
12:52Challenge except...
12:56Wow, I'm glad that's over.
12:58It was creepy
12:59watching Barney talk like a little kid.
13:01Oh, but you find it irresistible
13:02when Becky does?
13:03I don't get it.
13:04The Ted that I went out with
13:05was attracted to the kind of woman
13:07who could use a steak knife
13:08without supervision.
13:09For your information,
13:11Becky doesn't like steak.
13:12She likes paschetti.
13:13Spaghetti.
13:14And more importantly,
13:15she makes me feel needed.
13:17Needed?
13:17She makes training wheels feel needed.
13:20Hey, it's nice to feel needed.
13:22And you know what?
13:23It's not a feeling guys get
13:24when they're with you.
13:31Son,
13:33Viking lore tells us
13:34that to ensure the continuation
13:36of your noble male lineage,
13:39get a big old bowl of ice
13:41and dunk your man sack
13:42right in there.
13:42Oh, you two and your football.
13:52Okay.
14:01Oh!
14:04Now, get in there.
14:05Point Lily due north
14:07and make me a grandson.
14:10Erickson!
14:12Erickson!
14:13Erickson!
14:23When we were dating,
14:25I didn't make you feel needed.
14:26Come on!
14:27You always took charge of everything.
14:31I got this.
14:36Is this okay?
14:36Am I hurting you?
14:37I got this.
14:38Whoa!
14:38Ugh!
14:41Someone's trying to break in.
14:42Call the cops!
14:45I got this.
14:48Did that really bother you?
14:50Well, yeah.
14:51It's nice to be needed.
14:53Look, I'm sorry.
14:54I didn't mean to upset.
14:58That's Becky.
14:59Oh, she's trapped in a revolving door.
15:04I got this.
15:10Let's wake a baby.
15:13Whoa!
15:14Baby!
15:15You're packing snowballs
15:16and your breath smells like a mermaid fart.
15:19Loving the dirty talk,
15:20but you know what's even hotter?
15:21Look at your face.
15:22This-a-way.
15:23Oh, we're bad.
15:25Wait, wait, wait.
15:26Baby, why are you facing me north?
15:28I...
15:30You're trying to make us have a boy.
15:32I can't ex...
15:36How do you know about the north thing?
15:37Um...
15:38Um...
15:39And what are you doing with those lemons?
15:42Baby girl fertilizer!
15:45You're trying to make us have a girl!
15:53You are trying to make us have a girl.
15:55Oh, my least favorite students have been boys.
15:58So I googled how to make a girl.
16:01Some really weird stuff came up.
16:04But finally, I found this conception website
16:07that said you should...
16:08Point south at the moment of conception.
16:11Eat a lemon.
16:14Oh!
16:16And heat up your lady parts to a balmy 105 degrees.
16:24Oh!
16:25Oh!
16:27Oh, it's so good!
16:31Erickson!
16:34Erickson!
16:35Billy, how could you do...
16:38exactly the same thing I did?
16:40You're supposed to be the same one.
16:41See that?
16:42Another boy expecting a woman to clean up his mistakes.
16:45That's why girls are way better than boys.
16:47Oh, really?
16:48Well, then how come whenever there's a creepy kid in a horror movie,
16:50it's always a little girl.
16:51Or twin girls who speak in unison.
16:55Oh, well, what about Chucky?
16:57Okay.
16:58A, he was a doll.
16:59B, he was possessed by an adult serial killer.
17:02And C, how could you bring up Chucky right before bed?
17:10Hey.
17:11Hey.
17:12Um, when we were dating,
17:15did... did I make you feel needed?
17:17No, I didn't feel like you needed me at all.
17:20That's what I thought.
17:22Uh, I'm sorry.
17:24Wait, where are you...
17:25That's a compliment.
17:27You're the least needy woman I've ever met.
17:29That's awesome.
17:31I mean, no guy's gonna say,
17:33who's your daddy, to Robin Scherbatsky.
17:35You're your own daddy.
17:36And mommy.
17:38And weird survivalist uncle
17:40who lives in a cabin with a shotgun blaming stuff on the government.
17:45And that is what makes you the most...
17:49amazing, strong, independent woman I've ever banged.
17:55Thanks, Barney.
17:57You know, um, there's something that I wanted to ask you.
18:02I don't really know how to say it, so...
18:04here goes.
18:07Who's the crazy chick in the apron?
18:10Someone naughty left his toys on the floor
18:13and needs to be spanked on his tushy-tush.
18:19Uh-oh. I'm in trouble.
18:22You didn't how?
18:24Last night, after admitting defeat, I just let myself go.
18:28Mmm. That looks so good. Can I have some?
18:32No!
18:33It's my ice cream, you can't have any.
18:36Someone needs to teach you how to share.
18:42Who's your mommy?
18:49Challenge completed!
18:51Now, uh, can you get this freak out of here? I'm really scared.
18:55I got this.
19:02Oh, so you finally agreed on a name.
19:05Uh, well, the other night she ran a really high fever.
19:10We rushed her to the emergency room at three in the morning.
19:12But they wouldn't admit her without a name.
19:17Right then and there, we realized how stupid we were being.
19:23We looked at each other and, well, we just knew.
19:26Our baby's name is...
19:29Esther.
19:31Esther.
19:32Esther!
19:35That's beautiful.
19:36Yeah.
19:39We're idiots.
19:42Baby, names and gender.
19:44It's just like...
19:45It's some way of giving ourselves the illusion
19:47that we have any control whatsoever.
19:49I-I just want a healthy, happy 12-pound.
19:52Whoa.
19:5510-pound?
19:578-pound?
19:58I guess. But, dude, you're writing checks my vagina can't cash.
20:04I love you.
20:05And I'm gonna love the crap out of whatever baby we have.
20:08Me, too.
20:16You know what?
20:17We should just think of a name that's good for either a girl or a boy.
20:20Like, uh, Jamie.
20:24Marshall?
20:26You just named our baby.
20:29Jamie.
20:34Not Jamie.
20:44Oh, she's untied. I got it.
20:47I got it.
20:52I got it.
20:58Just, I don't know.
20:59Yeah, this is over.
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