00:01Kids, when your Uncle Marshall finally quit Goliath National Bank to do something better with his life,
00:06he left on great terms with his boss.
00:08Good luck, Marshall, and promise you'll list me as a reference.
00:15Which made Marshall's big interview with a respected environmental organization all the more confusing.
00:19I'm sorry, I don't think you're the kind of person we're looking for.
00:23I just got off the phone with Arthur Hobbs over at GMB.
00:25Oh, yeah, I worked with Marshall Erickson. At least I did when he actually showed up.
00:31Marshall, hey, it's, uh, it's 2.30.
00:34If it's no big deal, we'd sure love it if you'd try to get here at least before lunch.
00:38Yeah, and I'd sure love to give a rat's ass.
00:45Oh, Mr. Erickson, you're not wearing any pants.
00:50Your move.
00:55But, Marshall, what about the environment?
00:58Screw the environment.
01:00Screw the environment?
01:02Oh, yeah.
01:04We fired him when we caught him clubbing a seal in his office with an even cuter seal.
01:10The guy's a maniac. He's just an awful, flatulent racist.
01:16Sir, none of that is...
01:18Interview over.
01:23And so Marshall stormed over to GMB, where he ran into Zoe.
01:27Do you want to get back at those jerks?
01:29I have a proposition for you.
01:32Invitations for the demolition of the Arcadian.
01:35As head of the project, I get to decide how we knock it down.
01:38I'm torn between training an actual coyote to use an acme dynamite plunger
01:44or hooking up a fuse to Eddie Van Halen's guitar that goes off the second he hits the last note
01:49to hot for teacher.
01:55Barney! Barney! Bar...
01:57No, no. I'm gonna go coyote.
02:00While no one wants to see a coyote wearing a little hard hat more than me,
02:05remember, Zoe's protest could still shut your whole project down.
02:08Oh, come on. Zoe's not shutting anything down.
02:10Standing out there with her stupid megaphone screaming in the wind.
02:13Butt cheeks trembling with fury.
02:16Her perky breasts heaving.
02:18Her self-righteous nipples.
02:21Dude, that's my girlfriend.
02:22Point is, we are taking her and the Arcadian down.
02:26Am I right, Teddy Westside?
02:28You know it.
02:29Okay, see, that's so weird to me.
02:32That one second you're defending Zoe and the next you're talking about her going down.
02:36Glad to know she's also mouthy in a good way.
02:38What up?
02:41Dude, that's his girlfriend.
02:43Isn't it tough dating the woman that's trying to prevent your building from being built?
02:48At first, yes, but we figured out a great way to deal with it.
02:51We never talk about it, and since then, we've really been enjoying each other's company.
02:55So every time the Arcadian comes up, you guys just awkwardly change the subject?
02:59Yeah, but you'd be surprised. It doesn't even come up that often.
03:03Hey, guys. Hey!
03:04Meet the new lawyer I hired to help save the Arcadian.
03:12So Oprah's retiring. Oof! What's that world gonna be like?
03:31Wait, Marshall's helping you save the Arcadian now?
03:34Yeah. Having a former GMB employee on our side is huge for us.
03:38GMB is going down.
03:40Totally.
03:42So they found water on Mars.
03:44What?
03:47Listen, I hate to go up against my two best friends, but I really need this right now. I mean,
03:52we're cool, right?
03:53Not only do you quit the job, I stuck my neck out to get you. Now you sabotage the project
03:59I'm in charge of?
04:00Is this because I brushed Lily's boob with my elbow the other day?
04:03That wasn't on purpose.
04:05I mean, this is really, like, crossing.
04:07And thus began an all-out war between Barney and Marshall.
04:10Delivery from Mr. Stinson.
04:13Barney sent us pictures of himself.
04:15Oh, God, what's he doing to that megaphone?
04:17Ah!
04:22Ah!
04:28Later, back at the bar, another war was just beginning.
04:35Babe, can I get you a drink?
04:37No, I'm still not ready to put my mouth on anything yet.
04:42I know.
04:44You know what? Screw this.
04:47Game on.
04:56Can you believe this one?
04:57What's our booth?
04:59Keeps giving us the walk-by.
05:01That bitch is not giving us the walk-by.
05:03The walk-by with the stink-eye.
05:05I've seen that walk-by!
05:07Aw, hell no.
05:09I hope this drink isn't teething, because it's about to get nursed.
05:15Barney, your wife just called from the hospital.
05:18It's a boy.
05:20What?
05:21What?
05:24This went on for days.
05:26Congratulations.
05:28You're about to be the 250th girl that Barney has slept with.
05:31Try 283.
05:33250 was months ago.
05:34No, no, no.
05:35I mean, you're totally 250, baby.
05:38No, don't.
05:38Oh, my God.
05:45Mr. Stinson.
05:47I had to rush down as soon as I got your results.
05:50I'm sorry, but your crabs have super herpes.
05:58Oh, boy.
06:00Look who's back.
06:02Look, Lily.
06:03I think this girl wins our seat.
06:05Should we leave?
06:06Or stay here Lionel Richie-style?
06:09All.
06:10Night.
06:10Long.
06:11Excuse me, waitress.
06:13I'll have a mojito, and you'll have a no-seat-ho.
06:16Oh!
06:18Oh!
06:22Ah, yes.
06:24The sweet, smoky taste of victory.
06:27Are you sure it doesn't taste like anything else?
06:30Oh!
06:31Oh!
06:32That's it!
06:33Can't?
06:33Can't?
06:34Oh, God!
06:35Ow!
06:36Why would you do that to your own jacket?
06:38That's what you get, you traitor!
06:41Oh, really?
06:43Yeah.
06:43Really?
06:44Done!
06:46Okay!
06:46Enough!
06:47You guys are outta here!
06:49Huh!
06:50Injected!
06:51I meant all of you!
06:53You're all banned from the bar!
06:54Out!
06:55Carl!
06:57This has nothing to do with us!
06:59It's really ridiculous!
07:05Don't look, baby.
07:06Just don't look.
07:07Come on.
07:13This stupid feud isn't gonna end until Marshall and Barney finally talk about their feelings,
07:18cry, and then hug it out like they do in Oprah.
07:21Man, what are we gonna do without her?
07:24Oh!
07:29Wait, you know what?
07:29These guys are not gonna get all mushy sober.
07:32We need to get these bitches drunk.
07:34Yes, but the right kind of drunk.
07:36Uh, we should go with something mellow.
07:39Maybe red wine?
07:41Oh, I don't know.
07:42Red wine has kind of an odd effect on Barney.
07:45He reaches a point of sad clarity.
07:48Ten!
07:49Nine!
07:50Eight!
07:50I'm a B-plus.
07:52My whole life I was hoping to be an A, and I'm a B-plus.
07:54Three!
07:55Two!
07:55And I'm okay with that.
07:57Hallelujah!
08:00If we want them to open up, I say we go straight-up gym.
08:04Oh, last time Marshall got gin drunk was at that douchey bar Barney likes to go to.
08:09Marshall almost got in a fight that night.
08:18Look at this meatball.
08:20He's headed right towards me, showing me no respect.
08:24Well, if he wants to play chicken, this rooster ain't backing down.
08:32Oh.
08:33Mirror.
08:35How about martinis?
08:37Absolutely not.
08:38I'm not going anywhere near you in a martini.
08:41Why not?
08:45No, it'd be stupid if we made out.
08:48That would be so stupid.
08:51Hey, I dare you guys to dare us to make out.
08:56Every time.
08:57I only say that because it would be so stupid if we did.
09:02So stupid.
09:03Uh-huh.
09:05Oh, yeah?
09:06Well, what about you in absence?
09:09I don't know.
09:10We could have water, soda, purple stuff.
09:12We're a dream a baby's having.
09:15We're a dream a baby's having.
09:18I keep telling you that didn't...
09:20It happened and it changed me.
09:22How about daiquiris?
09:24Maybe.
09:25When Marshall has daiquiris, he gets really into how beautiful he is.
09:31Hey.
09:33I dare you guys to dare us to make out.
09:36Hey, Marsh, you know that's another mirror, right?
09:42Peppermint schnapps?
09:43No.
09:43Peppermint schnapps turns Barney into Richard Dawson.
09:46Who?
09:47The crazy old host of Family Feud who greeted women by kissing them on the mouth.
09:51Hey there, darling.
09:54How are you doing?
09:56Hey, is this your sister?
10:00Beautiful.
10:05Hey, where are our chicken wings?
10:06Show me chicken wings!
10:09Good one, Ted!
10:12Okay, I'm gonna go pick up Zoe, then we're off.
10:14See you Sunday.
10:15Oh, wait, Ted.
10:16Do you have a specific reaction to any kind of alcohol?
10:20Bourbon.
10:21When I drink bourbon, I get weirdly good at beatboxing.
10:34Peace, I'm out.
10:38Yeah, Ted, I hate to tell you, but the bourbon only makes it sound good to you.
10:55Peace, I'm out.
11:01You had to take that away from me, didn't you?
11:06Well, enjoy Martha's Vineyard.
11:08Hopefully by the time you get back, we'll be allowed back into McLaren's.
11:10What do you mean?
11:12Barney and Marshall's feud got us banned from the bar.
11:15We've lost our booth.
11:19Yeah.
11:20How did things get so screwed up?
11:22Of course I knew the answer to that.
11:24I was dating her.
11:25But I wasn't about to ruin our first big romantic weekend away by bringing up the one topic we agreed
11:30was completely off-limits.
11:32You and the Arcadian are ruining my life!
11:35I thought we weren't talking about...
11:36We're talking about this.
11:38Look, I can handle you trying to prevent me from fulfilling a lifelong dream.
11:42That's just being in a relationship.
11:44But now, you turn my best friend against me?
11:46Marshall made his own choice. Why aren't you mad at him?
11:48Because he's going through a lot right now.
11:50He's looking for something to believe in, and you took advantage of that.
11:53You're just like those internet swindlers who tricked him into paying 300 bucks for a lock of Sasquatch fur.
11:57You cannot compare the Arcadian to a Ziplac bag full of Turkish armpit hair.
12:02The Arcadian is a beautiful, magnificent hotel.
12:05Okay. You know what? We're settling this once and for all.
12:10Okay. We've cross-referenced every alcohol with Marshall and Barney's reaction.
12:15What's the right drink for this situation?
12:18Well, they're not talking. They're not even looking at each other.
12:21Thought it reminds me of those awkward Sunday dinners with my mom, my dad, and his mistress.
12:27Families, right?
12:29I guess that seems like a whole other thing.
12:34We need a drink that will start a fight.
12:39Do you know what I had to do to get you that job?
12:41Do you know what I had to do to will myself to show up every day?
12:44What, wear a wrinkled suit and not give a damn about what your hair looked like?
12:47I showed up with wet hair once!
12:51Once!
12:52When they say...
12:57Well, here we are.
12:59I had a reservation at a four-star inn overlooking the ocean, but, uh, how can that compete with such
13:05a beautiful, magnificent hotel?
13:15Welcome to the Arcadian!
13:25So here's the deal.
13:26If you can last until sunrise in your precious Arcadian, I'll join your side.
13:33You're on.
13:34This place is fantastic.
13:36They even left a chocolate on the pillow.
13:38That's not a chocolate.
13:39What?
13:41Why dare you?
13:42It's everything about...
13:43Okay, now we need to get them something that will make them emotionally vulnerable and completely pathetically honest.
13:48Yeah, well, we need a drink that takes subtext and turns it into text.
13:56You see, ever since the death of my father, I have been drawn to the idea of preservation.
14:00And that's why the Arcadian speaks to me.
14:02Ever since my father walked out on my childhood, I've had serious abandonment issues.
14:08You walking out on me like that.
14:10Oh, God, I didn't even think of that.
14:11It made me wonder what could I have done to make him stay.
14:14No, you didn't do anything wrong.
14:15It wasn't you, Barney.
14:16That's what everyone keeps saying, but people just keep leaving me.
14:23Wow, that got real o'clock.
14:25Yeah, we need to get them up and having fun.
14:33Dance, my puppets, dance.
14:35Now do you see why I'm always interfering in other people's lives?
14:39Oh, God, totally.
14:47Well, we're here for the night.
14:50Might as well have some fun.
14:52Care to join me?
14:54Dust just flew out of that comforter in the shape of a skull.
14:59Oh, something just passed through me.
15:01Can you get STDs from the ghost of a prostitute?
15:07Hey!
15:08What are you doing in our bathroom?
15:10This bathroom for an entire floor!
15:17Okay, final round.
15:19What simple act will get the boys to finally forgive each other?
15:23Sharing a brandy.
15:24Which is what I walked into my parents' doing once.
15:27Brandy was my father's mistress.
15:29Parents, right?
15:31Again, just a whole load of things, sweetie.
15:35Where'd they go?
15:36Oh, no.
15:37They did shots.
15:38What?
15:38What is it?
15:40What's the worst thing they could possibly drink right now?
15:50Your place or mine.
15:52Your place or mine.
15:55Let's go to your place.
16:01Kids, don't drink tequila.
16:06These were supposed to be for a romantic dinner on our balcony
16:09as we were serenaded by the sounds of the ocean.
16:13But I guess we'll have to settle for what sounded like
16:15two very large men having sex next door.
16:18With a third very small man.
16:21I think that small man sounded very moved by the Arcadian's beauty.
16:26Okay, what is it?
16:28And don't get me, it's beautiful.
16:30Don't get me, it's magnificent.
16:32What is it about this place that makes you so passionate to save it?
16:43Well, when I was a little girl,
16:47my family used to live here.
16:50Why have you never told me that?
16:51I never tell anyone that.
16:54It makes it sound like it'd be impossible for me to be objective, but...
17:00The truth is, I...
17:03I loved growing up here.
17:06We had just moved to New York.
17:09We were completely broke.
17:13My mom told my sisters and me that the Arcadian was a castle.
17:18And we believed her.
17:21I know it's not what it used to be.
17:26But this building...
17:28is a part of who I am.
17:31And that's why I want so badly...
17:35for you to like it too.
17:38Kids,
17:39you never forget the first time or place you tell a girl.
17:43I love you.
17:45I love you too.
17:57Come on in, you're unbanned.
17:59I gave these guys some drinks and they calmed down and made up.
18:01Well, what drink finally did the trick?
18:07Of course, beer.
18:09I love you.
18:11I love you.
18:17You know, I guess this place isn't so bad.
18:21See, with a little renovation, we could restore it to a swerver.
18:24Where was that?
18:25It was what?
18:26I think it went into the bed.
18:27Yeah, I don't see anything.
18:28Shh, shh, shh.
18:30Oh, my God.
18:34It's the cock-a-mouse.
18:36The what?
18:37Cock-a-mouse.
18:39Part cockroach, part mouse.
18:42It used to live in our apartment.
18:44It must have settled here.
18:45And, oh, look, it had babies.
18:48Good for it.
18:49Ew.
18:51I give up, you win. Let's go.
18:56Be well, my friends.
19:04Aw, just how we left them.
19:07Morning.
19:08Who wants breakfast?
19:10Yeah, some coffee.
19:12So I can throw it in this traitor's face?
19:15Oh, yeah.
19:16Hey, hey, do you guys have some pancakes?
19:19Because I really like some pancakes.
19:21They're fantastic.
19:22Let's be honest, I love them.
19:23But I hate this guy.
19:25I thought they made up last night.
19:28Dammit, I know what happens.
19:29I love you.
19:37Carl, a round of champagne.
19:39Ooh.
19:41The champagne.
19:41They gave him one drink too many.
19:43They must have blacked out and forgotten the whole thing.
19:45What kind of dirtbag doesn't stand by his best friends,
19:49but instead sides with some self-righteous bitch
19:52with a pointless cause and a megaphone?
19:55Dude, that's my girlfriend.
19:58And you know what?
20:00I'm on her side now, too.
20:03Whoa, whoa.
20:04You have got to be kidding me.
20:06Ted.
20:07Okay, what drink can fix this?
20:09Mama's done with this drama.
20:10What drink can fix the headache these clowns are giving me?
20:14I got it.
20:19Right?
20:20Time is music the planets make.
20:44So let's go!
20:50You're the pan fois in the chair looking girl.
20:51Come on!
20:51I'm having fun.
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