00:01Kids, in the spring of 2011, Zoe and I broke up.
00:05But the good news, Goliath National Bank was finally ready to demolish the Arcadian
00:09and build the new headquarters I had designed for them.
00:13The only problem was I kept butting heads with my project supervisor on one very important issue.
00:19I wanna press the button to blow up the Arcadian!
00:21I wanna press it! I wanna press it!
00:24Guys, I dated you both.
00:26Neither of you is good at pressing or even finding the button.
00:30After some awkward pawing around, that building's gonna fake an implosion,
00:33say, baby, that was great, and go to sleep.
00:36She means you.
00:38I wanna press it! I wanna press it!
00:41Just a button, okay? Can we just talk about something else, please?
00:46Well, I ran into Zoe yesterday.
00:49Ooh. That's the first time since the breakup. How's she doing?
00:54I'm still unemployed, so I had to get a couple roommates.
00:58Saving money. Making new friends. No downside.
01:02They're all 22 and sell drugs.
01:03Which means they're not taking them, so that's a win.
01:09Well, I can tell you're really busy, so I should, uh, I'll let you go.
01:14Hey. You wanna get coffee sometime?
01:17You know that coffee is code for I wanna get back together, right?
01:19Well, at first I wasn't sure, but then she said something that got me thinking.
01:24I wanna get back together.
01:25Oh. Don't worry, we're not.
01:28I just, I feel bad Zoe's having such a hard time.
01:31You know what might make you feel better, buddy?
01:34I'm not letting you press the button.
01:35I wanna press the button!
01:38Sadly, that's all you need to know about my summer.
01:41Now around this time, Uncle Marshall was still having a tough time finding a job.
01:44He's out printing up a whole new batch of resumes
01:46because he misspelled the phrase detail-oriented.
01:49And when he gets back home, he is gonna find his favorite soup there waiting for him.
01:54Oh, that's sweet, Lil, but didn't you guys get food poisoning here one time?
01:59Three times.
02:00But they're really nice about it.
02:02Their policy is get sick, get a free gallon of soup.
02:10And so, Lily dropped off Marshall's surprise soup and headed back to work
02:14to introduce the new class pet.
02:17This is Mr. Buttons 2.
02:19Now, after what happened to Mr. Buttons 1,
02:21you have to be very gentle with...
02:31Marshall?
02:52J blush.
02:58Oh.
03:02J!
03:08Don't eat the soup.
03:13Thank god.
03:15This was about to be my third bowl.
03:20Why shouldn't I eat the soup?
03:27Why shouldn't I eat the soup?
03:44Hey, Mr. Architect, big day for you tomorrow, huh?
03:47Yeah.
03:47Getting to stand next to me while I press the button.
03:50That is going to be legend, wait for it, dairy adjacent.
03:55Legendary adjacent.
03:57You okay?
03:59Yeah.
04:00Uh, no.
04:01I, this morning I was talking to the foreman.
04:04Hey, hotshot.
04:06You know, Rod, um, I'm loving that nickname.
04:09And I can tell it's, it's totally affectionate.
04:12But, uh, I'd prefer Ted.
04:14Yeah, but you're such a hotshot.
04:16I figured I'd just call you a hotshot.
04:19Pick one and make sure you like it.
04:22There's going to be 50,000 of these in your big hotshot building, hotshot.
04:2850,000 light bulbs.
04:30I mean, what if this one's too bright?
04:32What if this one flickers and gives everyone a weird headache?
04:36Do you know how many people it takes to change 50,000 light bulbs?
04:39Are these people Irish, Polish, blondes?
04:41What are we dealing with here?
04:43There's just, there's so many decisions to be made.
04:45What if I make all the wrong ones and my building just sucks?
04:48Not possible.
04:49Your building is new.
04:50And I have one rule.
04:52New is always better.
04:54You can't keep saying you have one rule if there are always different rules.
04:57Ah, but new is always better is my oldest rule, which makes it the best.
05:04Oh, Irish.
05:05Hey, buddy.
05:05Hey.
05:06Everything okay?
05:07Lily got food poisoning from some soup.
05:10Oh.
05:11And then I ate the soup exactly three hours later, which means I can see exactly three hours
05:17into my future.
05:18And it doesn't look good.
05:24I tried to be supportive.
05:26Oh, baby, can you just hold me, please?
05:29Of course, baby.
05:34But it doesn't help that when Lily gets going, she sounds like a velociraptor from Jurassic
05:39Park.
05:44But then I realized a man can do a lot of living in three hours.
05:49So I'm out experiencing this beautiful, crazy dance called life.
05:55Ah, my last meal.
05:57McLaren's famous jalapeno poppers.
05:59My doctor says I need to eat healthier, so I figured the round-ship flight these babies
06:03are about to take will land them permanently on the no-fry list.
06:08Goodbye, my friend.
06:11It's been a hell of a ride.
06:16I have to...
06:20Hey, babe.
06:22The gang says feel better.
06:24Oh, thanks.
06:25Wait, you didn't tell them I had food poisoning, did you?
06:30Um, I...
06:31Marshall, when it's stomach stuff, you just say under the weather or people start picturing
06:36you doing unspeakable things.
06:38I know.
06:38I just said that you have the sniffles.
06:42No one is picturing anything but little red-nosed you under a blankie with some hot tea.
06:48I wonder what end it's coming out of Lily right now.
06:51I bet it's her tushy.
06:53I bet it's both.
06:59Hey, speaking of explosions, enough already, Ted.
07:03That button's mine.
07:04Yeah, fine.
07:05Okay.
07:05I got you this job, so I...
07:07Say what?
07:08Whatever.
07:09It's yours.
07:11I gotta run.
07:17Hello?
07:19Yes, it is.
07:21It's Bloom, Greenberg and Associates.
07:23They want me to come interview.
07:26Yes, I know it's risky to go, but this is the best environmental law firm in New York.
07:30It's my dream job.
07:33That's a great idea, babe.
07:35I'll ask them.
07:37Hey, is it at all possible?
07:39Could I come in on Monday?
07:42Okay, I'll see you at five.
07:49I love and believe in you, too, baby.
07:53Why would Ted just give up the button like that?
07:57And he forgot his phone.
08:01See you in an hour.
08:02Who's that from?
08:03Zoe.
08:04They're meeting for coffee.
08:07Ted's getting back together with her.
08:15Why would Ted get back together with Zoe?
08:17He's doing great.
08:18Well, after a breakup, we all think we're doing great.
08:21But sometimes the tiniest trigger can unravel you and send you crawling right back.
08:25No, I refuse to believe that Ted is getting back together with Zoe because of light bulbs.
08:29Uh, Ted's going back for less.
08:34Hi, Natalie.
08:36You want to get coffee sometime?
08:42Bro.
08:44Ted, I only have one rule.
08:46But I can't reach the worst part.
08:50Hi, Karen.
08:51Want to get coffee sometime?
08:55Coming up next, our two local pandas, Ming Ming and Bao Bao, are expecting a baby.
09:01Robin, you want to get coffee?
09:03Get it together, bro.
09:06According to my calculations, at 6 p.m., my body is going to pay out like the most disgusting
09:12slot machine in the world.
09:14That gives me two hours to go do the interview and still get back in time.
09:18Oh, but baby, what if you hit the jackpot early?
09:21Oh, don't worry.
09:22I'll be prepared.
09:41I'm talking your ear off.
09:43Sorry.
09:44Is there anything I can do for you, sweetie?
09:49Can I borrow an adult diaper?
09:56You've got to stop Ted.
09:57Where are they meeting?
09:58Okay, Zoe wrote, meet me at 6, where it all began, where you gave me the orchid at the
10:02intersection.
10:03Well, that's good.
10:05All we have to do is think back to the time Ted told us about his first date with Zoe.
10:08Amazing first date with Zoe.
10:10We met at the intersection.
10:17You weren't listening, either?
10:19I was in a coma.
10:20I mean, who pays attention to that sappy romantic crap?
10:24Lily!
10:25Yeah, I wasn't listening, either.
10:27Ted really can go on about a bitch.
10:30Great.
10:31He could be anywhere.
10:32We're flat out of clues.
10:34Hey, wait.
10:34Ted left a message.
10:35I couldn't hear it because I was in the bathroom, blowing my nose.
10:39It was half the snivels.
10:42Hey, Lily.
10:43Hope you're feeling better.
10:44Marshall told us you're exploding from both ends like a busted fire hydrant.
10:47Damn it, Marshall.
10:49Anyway, listen.
10:50I was going to get back together with Zoe today, but they came to my senses on the way
10:54out here, so false alarm.
10:57Oh, crap.
10:59Just stepped in some gum.
11:01I'm getting back together with Zoe.
11:03Okay, we're never going to find him.
11:05Wait, wait, wait.
11:06That was a subway announcement in the background.
11:08I speak conductor.
11:11Hey, Lily.
11:11Hope you're feeling better.
11:12Marshall told us...
11:13Got it.
11:14Ted's it.
11:23Achoo!
11:24Ted's at Smith and 9th Street.
11:26And that's the intersection.
11:27That's in Brooklyn.
11:28How are we ever going to get there in time?
11:30Way ahead of you.
11:33Hello!
11:35Hello!
11:38Marshall!
11:39Jake Bloom.
11:40Great to meet you.
11:41Hello.
11:41Hi.
11:41Hey.
11:42Oh, I'm sorry about the stench.
11:44We're suing a factory that's been dumping raw sewage into a local marshland.
11:47Yeah.
11:48Ten minutes ago, I was knee-deep in liquefied human feces.
11:52And that was just on the F train.
11:57I can't believe Ted's getting back together with Zoe.
11:59I know.
12:00They were a total train wreck.
12:01Unmitigated disaster.
12:02Worst couple ever.
12:04Yeah.
12:05Almost as bad as us.
12:08We were a mess.
12:11Do you remember how awful I looked by the end?
12:13My hair was falling out.
12:15My skin was gray.
12:16My back was hunched.
12:17What about me?
12:18I got so fat, at the end of a date, you'd unhook my bra.
12:23You were the only boyfriend I ever motorboated.
12:28I think I'm one of the sentimental saps who panic and get back together.
12:31Seriously.
12:32Why would people do that?
12:37I guess I get it.
12:39What do you mean?
12:40Oh, no matter how bad things got.
12:45Ted really did love Zoe for a minute there.
12:48Didn't he?
12:54Yeah.
12:56He did.
12:59And she loved him, too.
13:03Didn't she?
13:06Yeah, she did.
13:14Smith and 9th Street.
13:16So, let me show you some of the gut-wrenching environmental atrocities that we are working to stop, okay?
13:25Here.
13:26Pop quiz.
13:28What is that?
13:30That's a seal.
13:32Bingo!
13:32Oh, yes.
13:33A bloated seal corpse rotting in industrial waste.
13:37Mm-hmm.
13:38Now, wait till you see what we found when we cut him open.
13:43Okay, where the hell are they?
13:45Maybe this isn't the intersection.
13:46Well, maybe it is and we're too late.
13:48Man, I wish we'd gotten to Brooklyn sooner.
13:50I know, right?
13:52Ever since the Trader Joe's opened up, Brooklyn is so whatever.
13:57Wait, where'd you get that?
13:59Across the street at the intersection.
14:03So, um, you guys gonna buy some weed, or?
14:18She's alone.
14:19There's still time.
14:20But where the hell is Ted?
14:21Wait a minute.
14:22On their first date, he brought her an orchid.
14:25How much do you want to bet?
14:26He's gonna do it again.
14:28Brilliant.
14:29But wait, he had a huge head start on us.
14:31There's no way he's still in there,
14:32unless he spent half an hour picking out the perfect orchid.
14:35Thanks, Julia.
14:38Now, you know what?
14:40Let me see the pink lady slipper again.
14:45Now, you know what that is?
14:48A pile of rotting seagull carcasses
14:51covered in toxic sludge.
14:53Being eaten by rats.
14:55Exactly.
14:56Now, this next slide...
14:57Oh.
14:59I'm sorry.
15:00That's my wife's water birth.
15:01I don't know how that got in there.
15:07Anyway, that's all my questions.
15:10Oh, my God.
15:11I made it.
15:12Now, just shake his hand,
15:14clench her very soul,
15:15and run like hell.
15:17Now, I like to set aside
15:1920 minutes at the end of every interview
15:20for your questions.
15:22So don't hold back.
15:23Whatever you got inside there,
15:24you just let her rip.
15:27I can't do this anymore.
15:29I'm just gonna tell him the truth.
15:32When it's stomach stuff,
15:34you just say under the weather,
15:35or people start picturing you
15:37doing unspeakable things.
15:40I have food poisoning,
15:41and I'm about to start
15:42volcanoing toxic sludge out of both ends.
15:45Nailed it.
15:49Thanks, Julia.
15:53No.
15:54On second thought.
15:55No!
15:56Oh, come on.
15:58What the hell?
15:59You can't get back together with Zoe
16:00just because you're freaking out
16:01over a light bulb.
16:02I'm not freaking out over a light bulb.
16:04I'm freaking out over 50,000 light bulbs.
16:07I can't do this.
16:08I only got this job
16:10because you gave it to me, Barney.
16:11I didn't earn it.
16:14Look, Ted,
16:15the future is scary,
16:17but you can't just run back to the past
16:19because it's familiar.
16:22Yes, it's tempting.
16:25But
16:27it's a mistake.
16:32You're right.
16:34Um,
16:35excuse me.
16:37Can you give this to the blonde
16:38sitting alone in there
16:39and tell her
16:41Ted's really sorry?
16:44Also,
16:46indirect sunlight,
16:47don't over water,
16:48half a cup a week
16:49is more than enough.
17:02No,
17:03um,
17:05hi.
17:06And kids?
17:10That's how I met your mother.
17:13Psych.
17:14It was just some chick.
17:19Hey, baby, how'd it go?
17:21Lily, this year,
17:23this nasty schoolyard bully of a year
17:26will not stop punching me in the face.
17:28How did we kick off 2011?
17:30My dad died.
17:32And now,
17:33after five months of unemployment,
17:34I just blew my dream job.
17:36good news is,
17:37in a few seconds,
17:38I'm gonna start heaving my guts out
17:39because that's what life is for me now.
17:41Just losing what's inside
17:43until I'm just empty.
17:45Baby, come here.
17:48I just want to shut my eyes
17:49for a few seconds
17:50before it starts.
18:01and Marshall slept
18:06all night.
18:19Okay, hot shot.
18:21Mr. Stinson?
18:23Who's going to do the honors?
18:26He is.
18:28You sure?
18:29Yeah.
18:30You earned it.
18:33All clear.
18:37Hey,
18:39new is always better, right?
18:42Always.
18:45Ten,
18:46nine,
18:47eight.
18:49Lily,
18:50it's a miracle.
18:51I didn't get sick.
18:52I didn't get sick.
18:55No, baby.
18:57I'm pregnant.
19:04I'm pregnant.
19:20Let it roll across the floor.
19:34I'm proud of you
19:35for giving Tim the button.
19:37That meant a lot.
19:38Just a button.
19:39Can we talk about something else?
19:48Nora.
19:49Hi.
19:51How have you been?
19:52Fine.
19:56I don't know why
19:57you would possibly
19:58say yes to this,
19:59but
20:00would you want to grab
20:01a cup of coffee
20:02with me sometime?
20:0420 minutes.
20:05I was such a jerk to you.
20:07You can spend the entire time
20:08calling me every dirty name
20:09in the book.
20:10I speak four languages.
20:11I'm going to need
20:11more than 20 minutes.
20:15I'll call you.
20:17You look beautiful,
20:18by the way.
20:19And here I thought
20:20it was too late
20:20for sundresses.
20:21It's never too late,
20:23Bonnie.
20:26Challenge accepted.
20:41Best man,
20:43you're being summoned.
20:45Geez, what now?
20:50I heard the groom needed me.
20:55What do you think
20:56of this time?
20:56I heard the groom needed me.
21:01I heard the groom needed me.
21:04I heard the groom needed me.
21:04I heard the groom needed me.
21:08I heard the groom needed me.
21:10I heard the groom needed me.
21:12I heard the groom needed me.
21:14I heard the groom needed me.
21:14I heard the groom needed me.
21:15I heard the groom needed me.
21:16I heard the groom needed me.
21:16I heard the groom needed me.
21:16I heard the groom needed me.
21:16I heard the groom needed me.
21:16I heard the groom needed me.
21:16I heard the groom needed me.
21:17I heard the groom needed me.
21:18I heard the groom needed me.
21:20I heard the groom needed me.
21:24I heard the groom needed me.
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