00:01I cannot stop staring at that girl's face face huh that's your weirdest nickname for boobs yet
00:08no Ted I'm really looking at her face oh that's actually really sweet puffy cheeks smudged
00:16mascara slightly red nose that girl was just crying she's so sad and defenseless anyone have
00:25a condom get this you know my friend Max from law school he's at Gregor's Steakhouse downtown and
00:37Woody Allen is sitting two tables over he wants us to come check it out I've never seen Woody Allen
00:46Robin how can you be a New Yorker and never have seen Woody Allen I have seen plenty of other
00:51famous
00:52people last week I saw Maury Povich kids you know talk show host Maury Povich it was uncanny how often
01:00we saw this guy dude everyone sees Maury Povich Maury Povich is everywhere I'm sorry Robin but you're
01:06not a real New Yorker until you've seen Woody Allen I am too a real New Yorker that's adorable you're
01:12from Canada I have been here for almost six years it's not like I just got off a boat a
01:17boat oh wait
01:19that is how you say it I'd say you're not a real New Yorker until you've stolen a cab from
01:23someone
01:23who needs it more than you do no you're not a real New Yorker till you've cried on the subway
01:27and not
01:28given a damn what anyone thinks no you're not a real New Yorker until you've killed a cockroach with
01:32your bare hands those rules are all stupid okay I've never done any of those things by the end of
01:38this
01:38day Robin would have done all of those things okay time's up what are we talking about Woody Allen is
01:43eating
01:44at Gregor's and Robin thinks that we should go see him why would I do that I'll see him at
01:48poker on
01:48Tuesday oh come on if we jump in a cab we'll be there in 15 minutes a real New Yorker
01:52would know
01:53the subway's faster you just take the one transfer to the two three well the bus runs more often on
01:57weekends take the m7 to the m5 the bus every time I take the bus there is one crazy person
02:03no one wants
02:03to sit near that's why I have never taken the bus plus I can run faster than a bus dude
02:10that's like
02:11seven miles you can't do that you can't beat the bus I can beat a bus or a cab or
02:18a train is anyone
02:19else suddenly craving green eggs and ham machines are overrated and someone needs to take them down
02:24a peg you're all wrong I got a way to get there so fast I could beat all of you
02:29even if I sat down
02:30and ordered a big juicy steak first how medium rare but that's not important right now look I know this
02:36city better than any of you guys okay let's just forget about it who cares I mean there's no way
02:46to
02:46find out who's right anyway first person there rinse doesn't matter how you get there stay sad I'll be
03:24back
03:25Please, no rush.
03:32Kids, I should tell you,
03:34Lily really needed a win that day.
03:38When Marshall and Lily decided to have a baby,
03:40they assumed it would happen right away.
03:42It's gonna be positive.
03:44Erickson men are hella fertile.
03:46When Uncle Morris was 16, he got his girlfriend pregnant
03:48just by holding her hand too tight in the backseat of a car.
03:51Now I'm thinking my parents lied to me.
03:54It's negative.
03:56As the weeks went by, Marshall's confidence never wavered,
03:59and it started to mess with Lily's head.
04:03Negative?
04:04Well, we know it's not me.
04:07Everything's fine.
04:08These things take time.
04:10Now, with an Erickson,
04:12something must be wrong with you.
04:15Also, my mom hates you.
04:18You know what?
04:19Just to make sure, I'm gonna pee on this again.
04:22What?
04:23No, you wouldn't.
04:24Somebody help me!
04:26Somebody help me!
04:30Lily was so fed up with not getting anywhere,
04:32maybe winning this race was just what she needed.
04:47Idiot.
04:47Idiot.
04:49I'll show them.
04:51My body can outrun any motorized vehicle.
04:53I'm like John Henry when he beat the steam engine.
04:56All I need is a great folk song.
05:04Gather round, ye children,
05:07to hear the tale so sweet
05:08of a man who dared to race machines
05:11with nothing but his feet.
05:13Suck it, grandbutt.
05:16Marshall versus the machines.
05:21Oh, taxi!
05:27Excuse me.
05:28I got a thing.
05:37Track maintenance.
05:3920-minute delay?
05:44How do you do that?
05:45I grew up here.
05:46I speak conductor.
05:47Damn it!
05:54Damn it!
06:00Kids, I also needed a win that day.
06:05A couple nights earlier,
06:06your Uncle Marshall had offhandedly
06:08mentioned a website called...
06:09GradeMyTeacher.net.
06:10It's this awesome site
06:12where students can go say
06:13what they really think about their professors.
06:14Hey, you're probably on there.
06:18I just had to see
06:19what my students had written about me.
06:22And it was...
06:27majestic.
06:31Until...
06:36Now, kids,
06:37I knew I was a good professor.
06:39That's why I didn't let it bother me.
06:40I had nothing to prove.
06:43Absolutely nothing.
06:44Here's a fun fact.
06:46See the Alberta building over there?
06:48Oh, the brown one or the gray one?
06:50That's the gray one.
06:51Did you know that it needs...
07:00Oh, the ugly one.
07:06And my father?
07:07That's why I didn't like it.
07:09Come on, it's your Woah!
07:13Grrrr!
07:19ELIZABETHE!
07:22Somebody call an ambulance.
07:29Excuse me, I've got a thing.
07:31Hey!
07:32Gregor's Steakhouse, downtown.
07:40Downtown Hospital, please.
07:42It's right by Gregor's Steakhouse.
07:44Take to FDR and maybe crank up some smooth jazz.
07:47Uh, we're required by law to take you to the nearest hospital,
07:49which is St. Luke's Roosevelt.
07:51Uptown.
07:53Oh, no.
08:06It's Barney. Help me!
08:13Robin also needed a win that day.
08:18It had been a rough year for Robin.
08:20First, her boyfriend and former co-host Don left her for another job.
08:23Then Robin met her new co-host, Becky.
08:25Hi!
08:26Hi, Becky!
08:28I am so excited to be your co-anchor!
08:32Yay!
08:33Hi, Becky.
08:34My, you're a perky.
08:35Don't worry.
08:36I am not here to step on your toesies.
08:39You are still the star.
08:41I made chocolate chip cookies for everybody!
08:45Yay!
08:46And just like that, Becky started to eclipse Robin.
08:49I mean literally eclipse her.
08:55Yeah!
08:56It's Parker!
09:00Keep it.
09:09Hello.
09:10Brunchy, take me to Gregor's.
09:12Taking your two Gregor's.
09:14As Marshall ran with all his might and passed his friend, Christine...
09:18Hey, Christine.
09:19He thought of all the times that he had beaten a machine.
09:24He triumphed over pitfalls.
09:26Yes!
09:27He vanquished the alarm.
09:29Yes!
09:30He brought the jukebox back to life with his arms or L.E.R.
09:35No!
09:38Marshall versus the machines.
09:43Ow.
09:44Ow.
09:45Ow.
09:46Nice seat.
09:48Thank God.
09:48I just had the worst cab ride of my life.
09:52Well, you're in luck.
09:54See that Gothic church over there?
09:56Those Corinthian columns were designed by Giuseppe Pagato in 1896.
10:00Ow.
10:01Ow.
10:02Ow.
10:03Hey, Ranji, pull over.
10:05Pull over.
10:08Hey, toots, how about a ride?
10:14Hey, Robin, it's you.
10:16Yeah!
10:18Move along.
10:23Move along.
10:26See that over there?
10:28That's the old Arcadian hotel.
10:30Fun fact.
10:31While today, its neoclassical fenestration is considered to be...
10:37So, is this ride your way of apologizing for this morning?
10:40I'm sorry.
10:41I never apologize.
10:42And why would I?
10:44Are you kidding me?
10:46Hey, Barney, can I talk to you?
10:48Sure.
10:49Stand a little more this way.
10:51I'm scouting some talent.
10:53Pretend we're talking about something important.
10:55Well, this is something important.
10:57Um, I'm having a really rough time at work.
11:00You know, the whole Becky thing.
11:02Hey, you know what?
11:02That's just getting distracted.
11:03Um, say, carrots and peas.
11:05Carrots and peas.
11:06Carrots and peas.
11:09Carrots and peas.
11:12Guys, I can't stop staring at that girl's face.
11:15Wait, you really had something to talk about?
11:17Yes.
11:18Look, I've spent the last six years in the city focusing on my career all for nothing.
11:23Some lady almost got me killed.
11:24Maury Povich stole my cab.
11:26I swear, the city is starting to reject me like a bad organ transplant.
11:31You know, everyone keeps saying that I'm not a real New Yorker.
11:33Well, maybe I should just stop trying.
11:37Roman, I had no idea if you...
11:38No, it's my fault for thinking that you might care.
11:40Ranjit, stop the car.
11:41Stop in the car.
11:43No, don't stop the car.
11:44Not just stop in the car.
11:45Seriously, stop the car.
11:47Seriously, stop in the car.
11:48Look, you...
11:49Wait, wait, Robin, hold on.
11:51If you want to talk, I'm right here.
11:54Carrots and peas.
11:57Don't...
11:58You...
12:00I'll crank up the smooth jazz.
12:06Our hero's strength was fading fast just as the light turned green.
12:20He then talked back to all the times he'd lost to a machine.
12:26Long payboy channel.
12:28The cable box is fearsome by the stapler's mighty state.
12:33Oh!
12:34Come on, Spice Channel.
12:36The cable box is fight again.
12:41Getting too tired...
12:44To sing...
12:54This is a hybrid steel tube...
12:55Kids, that day I had a horrible realization.
12:58If you can't spot the crazy person on the bus...
13:04It's you.
13:09Yeah!
13:12The good news is, I was halfway there and nothing could stop me.
13:21Hey, you...
13:24This is crazy.
13:26I can't believe it.
13:27Okay, this is clearly a sign.
13:29Let's just call it a tie.
13:31Forget about the race.
13:32Head back to the bar.
13:33Oops.
13:44Just like that, the race was back on.
13:49Idiot.
13:51Meanwhile, one subway car over.
14:10Oh, God!
14:14Oh, God!
14:16Oh, fight me!
14:24Faster!
14:25Mush!
14:25Mush!
14:26I need this win.
14:28I need this win.
14:31And firing half my department freed up the money to double my own salary.
14:35And this chick from Boston was wicked hot in bed last night.
14:38And I'm getting more muscular, even though I've stopped working out.
14:40And I've got this amazing poker group.
14:43Actually, Barney did not need a win.
14:45And I smell incredible.
14:47Smell me.
14:49Just...
14:49Here, seriously.
14:50Smell me.
14:54He did smell incredible.
14:57Stop!
14:58Too slow.
14:58Switch.
15:02Switch.
15:15Sweetie, are you okay?
15:17No.
15:18I am done with this city.
15:20It wins.
15:21I just want to move somewhere new and start over.
15:25You've had a rough year.
15:27But you're tough.
15:29And I love you like crazy.
15:31If you left, I'd have to follow you.
15:33And Marsha would follow me.
15:35And Ted would follow them.
15:36The only upside is that we might get rid of Barney.
15:41Bring it in.
15:46But what did he say?
15:48No clue.
15:49Hey, is that Maury Povich?
15:55Hey, look.
15:57Sorry, sweetie.
15:58I swear I'll be a great friend at the finish line.
16:01But the conductor just said you were going express to Brough Hall,
16:04which means you're screwed, sweetie.
16:06So long, sucker.
16:07Ha, ha, ha.
16:11Bring it in.
16:13Damn it.
16:16Hey, it's Lily.
16:17Help me.
16:19And not a single passenger would listen to me.
16:22Am I a bad teacher?
16:23Do I just put people to sleep?
16:27Buddy.
16:28Hey, buddy.
16:30Need a hand?
16:32Ah!
16:33The machines have won!
16:35The machines have won!
16:37Dude, mellow.
16:39I can't do it.
16:40I can't run that far.
16:42I can't outrace anything.
16:44I can't...
16:45I can't get my wife pregnant!
16:52Wait.
16:53Is that what this whole stupid running thing has been about?
16:55My body has been letting me down.
16:57And I just wanted to prove that it could still do something, but it can't.
17:01Dude, you've been trying for two months, not two years.
17:04That's nothing.
17:05Well, you should talk.
17:06You know, you're the one who's freaking out
17:08because you have one mediocre review
17:09and, like, 50 great ones.
17:1164, but whatever.
17:12And you're designing a freaking building.
17:15I mean, come on, dude.
17:16Sounds like you guys need to clear everything,
17:20subtract the negativity,
17:22and add some perspective.
17:28Marshall!
17:30Marshall, get in!
17:32Hello.
17:34Hello.
17:50There it is.
17:52We're Marshall and the Lee.
17:53Who cares?
17:55Who cares?
18:19How did that even happen?
18:24Here's how it happened.
18:26Okay, he's in.
18:27Go, go.
18:27Got it.
18:28Ted is in the way.
18:29Running him over.
18:29Running him over.
18:30No, no, Billy, what the hell is the matter with you?
18:32Nothing.
18:33I just want to win this really badly.
18:36So badly that I just ditched my best friend when she needed me.
18:40Oh, baby.
18:41You were also going to run over Ted.
18:44Why did I get so crazy about this?
18:46Maybe for the same reason that I kept saying that I could run seven miles.
18:51I'm trying to be really confident and positive about all this,
18:55but baby, I'm really scared that we're not pregnant yet.
18:58Oh, thank God.
18:59I keep thinking there's something wrong with me.
19:02I keep thinking there's something wrong with me.
19:03It's only been two months.
19:04We are crazy.
19:06We're totally crazy.
19:06This is the last time it's ever going to be just the two of us.
19:09Shouldn't we be enjoying that?
19:11We've got to go back to Paris.
19:13And take ballroom dancing.
19:14And really learn how to ski, not just go up and get faced in the lodge.
19:17And see Coney Island.
19:19I've still never been.
19:20See, we have a whole bucket list of things to do before we start having kids.
19:24Oh, a cradle list.
19:28I'm so glad we're trying, and I'm going to be really excited for when it happens,
19:32but this isn't a race.
19:35This isn't a race.
19:38Bronjeet, screw Gregors.
19:40Let's go to Coney Island.
19:42Screw Gregors.
19:44Going to Coney Island.
19:46As for how Robin beat me and Barney,
19:48to this day, your Uncle Barney won't admit it,
19:51but here's what I saw.
19:52I saw Barney notice Robin's face.
19:56I maybe realized something.
19:59Barney says he tripped,
20:01but it sure felt like he tackled me on purpose.
20:05And when Robin won, I could have sworn I saw him smile.
20:08What?
20:09No!
20:10So I said, a cab, of course, because that makes complete sense.
20:13You're going from uptime to down.
20:14I know what you did back there.
20:19Check it.
20:20I just drove a pedicab 26 blocks, and I still smell incredible.
20:26Smell me.
20:27Come on, can I smell me?
20:29He did smell incredible.
20:32Wait a minute.
20:33So where is Woody Allen?
20:35He's right there.
20:40Damn it, Max, that's Maury Povich.
20:43I always get those two confused.
20:46Technically, there was only one winner that day.
20:49But in that race, everyone found exactly what they needed.
20:52It's true, she wouldn't see Woody Allen for another couple months,
20:55but that's how Robin became,
20:57by just about any definition of the term,
21:03a real New Yorker.
21:31A real New Yorker.
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