00:14Kids, when your best friend loses someone...
00:16My dad's dead?
00:18You drop everything and rush to his side,
00:21only to find yourself standing there with no idea what to do or say.
00:25This is the toughest time in Marshall's life, and I feel absolutely useless.
00:29I mean, what can we do to help?
00:30Well, don't look at me.
00:31This morning, Marshall said, I have to pee,
00:34and I said, don't worry, baby, I'll do it for you.
00:36Halfway through the pee, I'm like, this doesn't even make sense.
00:39Well, I've been to a couple funerals, so I know my role.
00:42I'm vice girl.
00:43Whatever Marshall needs to get through this day, I got it right here.
00:48Whoa.
00:50Cigarettes, alcohol.
00:52Are these firecrackers?
00:53Oh, my God, Robin, you somehow crammed Tia Lana into a purse.
00:57That'd be cool, nerds.
01:03Marshall's mom hasn't eaten, slept, or sat down since we got here.
01:07Wait, that can be my role.
01:10I'll take care of Judy.
01:11Yeah, but doesn't Marshall's mom hate you the fact that you two aren't very close?
01:15Sweet save.
01:17Okay, yes, Judy and I aren't besties,
01:20but today, whatever she needs, I'm there.
01:22I'm on Judy duty.
01:23Judy duty.
01:26Really, guys?
01:27At a funeral?
01:28Uh, okay, while not all of us possess your lofty sense of decorum drug dealer from an 80s after-school
01:33special,
01:34we have to laugh today.
01:35It's healthy.
01:36Wait a minute.
01:38Today, we are gonna make Marshall laugh.
01:40How?
01:41Ted, what's the one thing that always cracks him up?
01:44Internet footage of a guy getting hit in the nuts.
01:46Internet footage of a guy getting hit in the nuts.
01:47Exactly.
01:48So we are gonna get our bro a four-star nad rattler.
01:52You search knees, feet, banisters, fire hydrants, and diving boards,
01:55and I'll cover bats, rackets, hockey sticks, golf clubs, and riding crops.
01:58What about animals?
01:59Uh, claws, paws, talons, hooves, beaks, and clenched monkey fists.
02:04We can do this.
02:05Hey, guys, sorry, um, I left my charger back in New York so my phone's out of juice.
02:09Does anyone have an outlet?
02:10Outlet or USB?
02:12Uh, outlet.
02:14Oh.
02:15Hmm.
02:16Oh, you really do have everything in there, don't you?
02:19You're like Mary Poppins if her magic purse was also filled with drugs.
02:22If?
02:23Ted, the kids in that movie jumped into a painting and spent 15 minutes chasing a cartoon fox.
02:29Spoonful of sugar?
02:31Grow up.
02:32Oh.
02:34I'm so sorry for your loss, Judy.
02:36Thank you, Reverend.
02:37We're so happy that you're going to leave the services today.
02:41Unfortunately, I can't.
02:43My daughter in Chicago just went into labor.
02:46But I'm leaving you in the capable hands of my second-in-command, my son.
02:52Your son?
02:53Oh, you remember, Trey.
02:55I'll go grab him.
02:58Guys?
03:00Trey Platt terrorized me growing up.
03:03He was the toughest bully in school.
03:05What's that, Marshall?
03:08Hello, Trey.
03:10Long time.
03:12I was not aware that you had become a reverend.
03:15Yeah, well, your lunch money finally ran out.
03:18Kidding.
03:20Marshall Erickson, you could use a laugh.
03:23God.
03:25This video is entitled, Little League Coach Gets Hit in the Nuts by a Foul Ball and Then Vomits
03:30in a Garbage Can.
03:31I don't want to give anything away.
03:32Let's just watch.
03:34Oh!
03:38See?
03:39Because he got hit.
03:40Right in the nuts.
03:42The back kid just keeps running away.
03:45Trey Platt.
03:47I can't believe my father's funeral service is being led by Trey the Noogie Machine Platt.
03:53That guy gave you noogies?
03:54Or did he carry a stepladder?
03:57He made me carry it.
03:59My dad asked these questions to help create a theme for the service, or whatever.
04:06Question one.
04:07What were your last words with the deceased?
04:10Lame.
04:12Question two.
04:13Wait.
04:14My last words with Marvin were lovely.
04:17I've been thinking about them a lot.
04:19Me too.
04:20We went for a hike in the snow and had this amazing talk.
04:24My last date with Pop?
04:25He taught my son how to skate.
04:31Well, this is clearly yielding nothing.
04:33Thanks, Dad.
04:34I guess I'll have to fill the time with some jokes.
04:36Again.
04:39Last words.
04:40Seems like a good theme.
04:42Marshall, do you remember the last thing your father said to you?
04:47Bye, sweetie.
04:48Bye, Mom.
04:48Mm-hmm.
04:50Son.
04:52There's something I want to say before I leave.
04:56Yeah, Dad?
04:59Could I snag that extra pork chop for the flight?
05:03I'm gonna make a sandwich with that, Dad.
05:06Don't they have food on the plane?
05:07Yeah, but plain food is ass.
05:13Plain food is ass.
05:16Those are the last words my father will ever say to me.
05:20Right after I denied the man a pork chop.
05:22Oh, God.
05:28Wait.
05:29I'm wrong.
05:30I'm wrong.
05:31That wasn't it.
05:32They couldn't find a cab.
05:34Hey, Marshall!
05:34So my dad called up from the street.
05:36Marshall!
05:38Looks like rain out here.
05:40I couldn't find an umbrella in your closet.
05:44You know who probably has an umbrella.
05:48And then, well, see, my dad grew up in a small town in another generation,
05:52so sometimes, totally well-meaningly, he'd say stuff like...
05:56The Koreans across the hall!
05:59Dad, the Koreans are a trustworthy and generous people!
06:03Dad?
06:03I bet you one of the Koreans has an umbrella!
06:06Pick their Koreans!
06:11My dad's last words to me were a string of odd racial stereotypes.
06:17But all that stuff was really nice.
06:19Yeah, it's positive racism!
06:21This is worse than the pork chop.
06:25This next clip is entitled,
06:27Guy Playing Bagpipes Gets Hit in the Nuts by Low-Flying Seagull.
06:31Let's see what happens.
06:32Let's sing it.
06:35Hey, here he comes.
06:37Oh!
06:41He gets hit right in the nuts.
06:44And then, he doesn't even look back.
06:45That kid just loses his swim shorts, just fall right off.
06:48Oh, wait.
06:49I'm wrong.
06:50That wasn't it.
06:51They couldn't find a cab, so I went down there.
06:55Hey, you were right.
06:56The Kangs did, in fact, have an umbrella.
06:59Of course they did.
07:00Bye, sweetie.
07:01Mwah!
07:05Hey, son.
07:06Uh, I just want to leave you with a little advice.
07:13Rent Crocodile Dundee 3.
07:15I caught it on the cable last night.
07:17It totally holds up!
07:22Crocodile Dundee 3 is the second best of the Croc trilogy, so...
07:25No, maybe I can live with that.
07:28Oh, sorry.
07:29My phone's charged.
07:31I, uh, I hear you're a woman who can get things.
07:35I've been known to locate certain objects from time to time.
07:38I need vodka and dirty playing cards.
07:42I gotcha.
07:46Oh, my God.
07:48What is it?
07:51I have a voicemail from my dad.
08:00You have a voicemail from your dad?
08:02How?
08:04My phone's, um, been out of juice, so he must have called me the day that he, uh...
08:11Baby, are you okay?
08:13I hold in my hand the last words my father will ever say to me.
08:21I'm gonna hit play.
08:25What's wrong?
08:27What if it's worse than Crocodile Dundee 3?
08:31I can't do this.
08:32I can't...
08:35My mom is about to collapse.
08:37No, no, baby, baby, I got it.
08:38Let me...
08:41You should listen to it.
08:43Just don't put too much pressure on it.
08:45She's right.
08:46I mean, this idea that some of the last words have to be profound and meaningful,
08:49I mean, who can live up to that?
08:51Exactly.
08:51All those famous last words people supposedly said, they're all made up.
08:55Like that patriotic dude, Nathan Hale from third grade history.
09:00My only regret is I have but one life to lose for my country.
09:06You know what his real last words were?
09:09I'm peeing my pants!
09:12True story.
09:14The point is, last words are overrated.
09:18Look, just think of it this way.
09:19You get to hear your dad's voice one last time.
09:23I should go listen to this.
09:25Alone.
09:26Okay?
09:26I'll be right back.
09:27Okay.
09:32Hey.
09:33So, um, I heard you might have...
09:35You heard right.
09:37I'm getting a reputation.
09:40So, what you need, Mama?
09:42Oh.
09:45Guys, listen to what just happened.
09:48Judy, do you need a break?
09:49I'm happy to cook for a while.
09:51You think your snobby New York cooking is better than mine?
09:55Admit it!
09:56Well, go ahead, Lily.
09:57Why don't you just whip up a batch of your fancy tofu sushi bagels and choke on them?
10:06Whoa.
10:07Are you okay?
10:07Listen.
10:11I'm gonna go take a nap.
10:14Judy's finally sleeping, and it's all because of me.
10:17Guys, I have a role.
10:19I'm Judy's bitch.
10:20Yeah!
10:21Well, but this day is tough on you, too.
10:24You sure you can absorb all that?
10:25Yeah.
10:26Robin gave me a little orange pill from her purse.
10:28I don't know what's in it, but things are flowing pretty smooth right now.
10:31Okay.
10:32Stay hydrated.
10:34Hey.
10:36So?
10:38I couldn't listen to it.
10:40Guys, this is hard.
10:41You know, baby, but you always wonder if you don't.
10:45Your dad loved you.
10:46It almost doesn't matter what he said.
10:48It doesn't matter.
10:50Guys, what if, God forbid, all of your dads died right now?
10:55What would their last words to you have been?
10:57Seriously.
10:59I know mine.
11:01When I was in Cleveland last month, went to visit my dad at his post-divorce bachelor pad.
11:08Been fun broin' out with you tonight, T-Dog.
11:12Yeah.
11:13So glad we can talk about our sex lives now.
11:16That's totally an improvement.
11:19I hooked up with a younger woman the other week.
11:23Donna Bromstead.
11:25A prom date?
11:26How far did you get, T-Dog?
11:30I have to go.
11:36How would you like those to be your father's last words?
11:39Well, they might be.
11:40Donna Bromstead's husband is a cop.
11:47Lawyered.
11:50Lily?
11:53Hello?
11:55Lily?
11:55It's Dad.
11:57Listen, I'm sort of in jail for not paying taxes for the last 25 years,
12:00but bright side, I thought of a great new board game,
12:03Tax Evasion, ages 6 to 10,
12:06which is ironically what I might be looking at.
12:09Anyway, Pumpkin, I need $15,000.
12:12Fooled ya.
12:13Leave a message after the beep.
12:15We'll get back to ya.
12:17Beep.
12:23Lawyered.
12:25Robin?
12:27And so, despite the endless disappointments you've caused me,
12:31I pray that this will finally be the year
12:34that you achieve something of actual significance.
12:38I'd love to stop lying to my friends about you being in a coma.
12:42Anyway, point is,
12:45happy birthday, RJ.
12:47Oh, wow.
12:48That's awful.
12:49No, here's the awful part.
12:51You remember my birthday!
12:58Lawyered.
12:59Now, can we all just admit that last words are, in fact, a big deal?
13:04Yes.
13:07Man, I always thought I had it rough not really knowing my dad,
13:11but now I realize at least I'll never have to suffer like this.
13:16Our next video is called
13:17German Shepherd Activates Tennis Ball Cannon
13:20While Fat Kid Sips Energy Drink.
13:21Barney!
13:22Please, and Barney!
13:23No more videos, okay?
13:24I'm just...
13:25I just need a minute.
13:28Okay.
13:29Okay, who is responsible for this?
13:32Who got Cousin Daphne drunk?
13:34She is 15 years old!
13:37Oh, they're going big out here.
13:40And here's your phone number.
13:41Back.
13:42Back.
13:44Judy, I...
13:45I did it.
13:47What possible excuse could you have for this?
13:51I'm from New York.
13:52We think getting Miners drunk is funny.
13:54There's nothing funny about getting Miners drunk.
13:58You should be ashamed, Lily.
14:01Ashamed!
14:05Mmm.
14:06Oh, what's that tasty?
14:08Mmm.
14:09Mmm.
14:10That salad's the first food she's eaten in two days.
14:13Sure, it's mostly cheese, mayonnaise, and jelly beans, but it counts.
14:17Well, at least someone's helping.
14:18We even made Marshall laugh once.
14:20Yeah.
14:21Showing videos of guys getting hit in the nuts wasn't going to do anything.
14:25That was just stupid.
14:27What we need to do is hit each other in the nuts.
14:31Yes!
14:32Nothing beats the immediacy of live theater.
14:36But which one of us is going to take the hit?
14:38Hey, Marshall.
14:39Ooh.
14:39Ooh!
14:41So that's it.
14:42No discussion.
14:46I'm not going to listen.
14:48Rent, Crocodile, Dundee, three are the last words that my father will ever say to me.
14:54And I think I can live with that.
14:58Is he laughing?
15:00And Marshall really did think he could live with that.
15:03That is, until later, at the memorial service.
15:06My last talk with Marvin was so lovely.
15:12The stories his mother and brothers told were so perfect.
15:16Then he picked my crying son up off the ice.
15:18He gave him a hug and said,
15:20Champ, it doesn't matter if you fall down once in a while.
15:23And as we hiked, a little deer appeared on the path.
15:27She hopped over to Dad and started eating right out of his hand.
15:32And then he kissed me.
15:34And he said,
15:36I will always be proud of you.
15:38Life is such a gift.
15:41You know something gorgeous?
15:43I'm the luckiest man alive.
15:48Lame.
15:50These stories suck.
15:52It doesn't hold a candle to your Crocodile, Dundee, Dundee.
15:58You're up next, baby.
16:03I just need some hair.
16:11Baby, are you okay?
16:15I have to listen to it.
16:31It's a pocket dial.
16:34It's nothing.
16:36It's nothing.
16:46Okay, so, it's a pocket dial.
16:50You have so many great memories with your dad.
16:53Who cares about the last one?
16:55Yeah, he's right.
16:56That's hilarious.
16:57You guys don't get it, okay?
16:59None of you do.
17:02My dad was my hero.
17:04And he was just my teacher.
17:07And he was my best friend.
17:11He always came through for me.
17:14And now he's just gone.
17:18And what am I left with?
17:24Thanks a lot, God.
17:27You took my father.
17:30The greatest man that I have ever known.
17:33And you whipped him off this earth way too young.
17:38And he'll never get to meet our kids, Lily.
17:43But we got this voicemail.
17:46Thank you so much for the voicemail.
17:49It's a great comfort.
17:50Because whenever I'm starting to feel lonely or sad or, oh, you know what?
17:55Or maybe a little bit cheated.
17:57At least I got the sound of his pocket to console me.
18:00Why, Sean?
18:00How is this fair?
18:03You got, like, an entire human life.
18:06And it just ends.
18:07For no reason.
18:09And what are we left with?
18:15Marshall?
18:16Oh.
18:17Looks like I've been calling you for almost five minutes.
18:20How's my pocket sound?
18:24Sorry about that, buddy.
18:26Anyway, your mom and I had such a great time seeing you.
18:30I love you.
18:35Looks like your dad came through one last time.
18:47I love you.
18:50My father's last words to me are I love you.
18:54Oh, and let me know if you find my foot cream.
18:57The fungus thing is acting up again.
19:03I love you.
19:06My father's last words to me are I love you.
19:09Yes, they were.
19:10We heard it.
19:11I'm clear.
19:14Bye, Pa.
19:18So Marshall finally got up to speak.
19:21Funny thing, though.
19:22And then my father said the last words they could ever say to me.
19:27Rent.
19:29Crocodile Dundee 3.
19:30I caught it on the table last night, and it totally holds up.
19:35He decided to keep Marvin's real last words just for himself.
19:39To be honest, it was a lot of fun.
19:40Thanks.
19:41For what?
19:42I know what you've been doing today.
19:45And I really needed it.
19:48Anytime.
19:52That dress makes you look like a Kansas City whore.
19:56Sorry, dear.
19:57Last one.
20:03Oh, man.
20:05I should have rented Crocodile Dundee 3.
20:10Okay, seriously.
20:11How are you doing that?
20:16Thanks.
20:18I'll be right back.
20:24If I don't come back, well, then, uh, these are my last words to you all.
20:31I really, really, really love you guys.
20:36Now I'm gonna go drop a deuce.
20:38Oh!
20:40Last words.
20:41It's a lot of pressure, kids.
20:44It gets you thinking.
20:48Hi, Dad.
20:51Hi, Dad.
20:53Hi, Dad.
20:56Hey, Mom.
21:00I'm ready to meet my dad.
21:11Hey, Mom.
21:22Hey, Mom.
21:24Hey, Mom.
21:32Say it again.
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