- 13 hours ago
First broadcast 30th January 1972.
Headmaster Cromwell gets a sexy blond secretary, Miss Nately, whose appearance gets the boys and the male staff all hot and bothered.
Deryck Guyler - Norman Potter
Noel Howlett - Mr. Cromwell
Joan Sanderson - Doris Ewell
Richard Davies - Mr. Price
Erik Chitty - Mr. Smith
Vivienne Martin - Miss Petting
Bernard Holley - Mr. Hurst
Madeleine Mills - Miss Nately
Arnold Peters - School Governor
Barry McCarthy - Terry Stringer
Billy Hamon - Des
Charles Bolton - Godber
Drina Pavlovic - Celia
Rosemary Faith - Daisy
Headmaster Cromwell gets a sexy blond secretary, Miss Nately, whose appearance gets the boys and the male staff all hot and bothered.
Deryck Guyler - Norman Potter
Noel Howlett - Mr. Cromwell
Joan Sanderson - Doris Ewell
Richard Davies - Mr. Price
Erik Chitty - Mr. Smith
Vivienne Martin - Miss Petting
Bernard Holley - Mr. Hurst
Madeleine Mills - Miss Nately
Arnold Peters - School Governor
Barry McCarthy - Terry Stringer
Billy Hamon - Des
Charles Bolton - Godber
Drina Pavlovic - Celia
Rosemary Faith - Daisy
Category
📺
TVTranscript
00:23The Lone Ranger
00:36All right, do me, lads, do me. No, no, no, up a bit, up a bit.
00:39Now, steady, mind you go. Mind you don't like it?
00:42Sir Daisy, and bravo, Norman.
00:44I am so sorry, sir. It was more of a sort of an accident.
00:46No, no, no, I mean bravo for giving up your desk. A noble gesture.
00:50Oh, ah, yes. Oh, well, I don't mind, you know, sir.
00:52Oh, no, no, I mean, I don't mind having to squat on the floor, you know, sir,
00:55to do all my little jobs there, you know, sir.
00:57And putting all my little special vegetables in the cardboard boxes, you see, sir.
01:02And then, of course, my petty cat, you see.
01:04What about your petty pilfering, then, eh?
01:07That is my reserve supply, lad. You see, special reserves for emergencies.
01:12Oh, what sort of emergency did you have in mind?
01:15Ray!
01:16What are you doing, Gibbons?
01:17Practicing, perspective, you know, the football, dribbling. Ray!
01:21Oh, it's all right, headmaster. He's probably on drugs or something, sir.
01:25Yes. Yes, streaking off, they call it.
01:27Yes, well, I suggest you tidy up here and freak off somewhere else.
01:32Uh, headmaster, a new desk, you know, would be a great surprise to a man of my age.
01:39Do you get what I mean, sir?
01:40Oh, yes, I do. No, I don't, really.
01:43You don't, really?
01:43No.
01:44Well, now, can you keep a secret, sir?
01:46Oh, yes.
01:46Ah, yes, of course.
01:47Tomorrow, sir, listen, tomorrow is my birthday, sir.
01:50Ah, congratulations.
01:51Thank you, sir.
01:53And don't worry, I won't breathe a word to a soul.
01:56Oh, of course not, sir.
01:56But I would quite understand, you know, if it sort of slipped out, as you might say, sort of inadmissibly.
02:01She isn't here yet, is she?
02:02I can't see her, can I?
02:04Oh, good.
02:05You're looking for me?
02:07Miss Petting was referring to my new secretary.
02:10Secretary?
02:10Oh, well, what can she do that I can't do?
02:12Sit on his knee for a start.
02:14Oh, no, no, no, naughty, naughty.
02:16Tut, tut, Desmond, I'll put your name in the naughty book.
02:18And anyway, the new secretary won't be like that at all, will she?
02:21No, she'll probably be middle-aged and frumpy.
02:25And anyway, Morris will still, won't you?
02:28Yes.
02:28I'm sure that Miss Nasty will fit very nicely into our little family.
02:32And I don't suppose we shall even notice she's here.
02:35No.
02:36Enter!
02:36Stop!
02:38Oh, good morning.
02:40I'm Miss Nately.
02:42Whoa!
02:52She's a mature woman, though, isn't she?
02:58Yeah.
03:00Well, I thought I'd just pop in.
03:02I thought I'd just pop in to see how she's settling down, Cromwell.
03:06Oh, she's a square peg in a square hole, Governor, yes.
03:09But she doesn't seem very fast.
03:11Ah, you just wait until she gets warmed up, eh?
03:14No, no, you see, it helps us both.
03:16You see, I promised her a job in the heat of the moment.
03:18Well, you know how it is.
03:20Oh, yes, yes.
03:21Yes, of course you would.
03:22Man of the world and all that, eh?
03:24No, no, no.
03:25The whole point is this, you see.
03:26If anyone asks, she's my niece.
03:28Oh, really?
03:29On your side or on your wife's?
03:31Well, she'd hardly be on my wife's side, though, would she?
03:35No.
03:37Look, Cromwell, I only call her my niece, but she isn't really, you see.
03:41Oh, yes, I remember.
03:42There was a man I used to call Uncle, and he wasn't really.
03:44He bounced me up and down his knee a lot.
03:46Yes.
03:47Well, I'm sure that little Jangley, Miss Nathley, will be quite safe here.
03:50Oh, yes, yes, in Fen Street, we know how to look after our ladies.
03:53Good.
04:12Well, hello there, and welcome to...
04:14Oh, hello, Gloria, I didn't expect to find you here.
04:17Oh, has somebody moved in, then?
04:18Yes, if you didn't know.
04:20What's she like, Gloria?
04:21Mm-hmm, dyed hair, purple fingernails that she spent half the morning filing, false eyelashes
04:27and Woolworth's perfume.
04:28She's very nice.
04:31Sounds just Cromwell's type.
04:32But she doesn't.
04:33Does she?
04:34No, you're just saying that, aren't you?
04:36Yes.
04:41Oh, I shouldn't be in here.
04:43Neither should I.
04:45And, uh, I just came in to, uh, Johnhurst.
04:49I'm very pleased to meet you.
04:51Oh.
04:52You must be the gym teacher.
04:54Yes, and, uh, this is, uh...
04:56Oh, Patricia and I have already met him.
04:58It's so refreshing to have a cheery young face around the school.
05:02It wasn't her face you followed in, Smithy.
05:06Can I, um, do anything for you both?
05:08No, no, no.
05:09I just, uh, popped in to, uh, see Miss Petting.
05:11Yes, and I just popped in.
05:15Oh, hello, you two.
05:17Uh, is the, um, is the headmaster in, then?
05:20The headmaster's desk is over there.
05:22Oh, yes.
05:23Ah, well, he's not in, then.
05:25Did you want something, too?
05:27Oh, is your voice broken against me?
05:30Now, be honest, Pricey.
05:32You know, you just want a peep at Patricia.
05:35Patricia?
05:36Who the hell is that?
05:37I haven't got...
05:38Oh, ho.
05:40LAUGHTER
05:42Patricia?
05:44Oh.
05:45You're the Scots one, aren't you?
05:47Aye.
05:48Vaughan.
05:49Vaughan Price.
06:07I think you've met just about everybody now, except Miss Ewell.
06:11Oh, yeah, I just typed that name on something.
06:13Excuse me, let's see now.
06:15Oh, here we are.
06:19Maurice Ewell.
06:20Doris Ewell.
06:21Oh, hell.
06:23Well, anyway, according to this, she's been here 15 years tomorrow.
06:26Really? She never said anything?
06:28No. 15 years?
06:30Actually, do you think a small gift would be in order?
06:32Certainly. We'll have a quick whip round in the staff room, see what we can get her.
06:35What do you say, Pricey?
06:37Hey.
06:39What do you want?
06:40Money.
06:41Oh, right.
06:52I want to draw her.
06:54You can't. Come over here, will you?
06:56Now, look, we're going to be more adult about this, right? We shall draw lots for it.
07:00She's got lots to draw, hasn't she?
07:05Hey, it's not fair. Mine's shorter than everybody else's.
07:09Oh, that's it, isn't it, you great burp. You get to ask her out.
07:11Look, look, ever practice on Celia?
07:14Nobody's practicing on Celia.
07:15I'm saving her for the real thing.
07:18Oh, you need to be Miss Nightly, then.
07:20Yeah, come on, Daisy.
07:21Yeah, you know, like social wobble, girl.
07:24Oh, no.
07:25Come on, then, cover off.
07:27Yeah, turn on the charm.
07:30What do you, Miss Nightly?
07:31Oh, forget it.
07:33What's the point, anyhow? Price is in there already, isn't he?
07:37Oh, there he goes, all floating.
07:39Hey, hello, lover boy.
07:41Oh, no, I do.
07:46You sucky Welsh twit.
07:50Hello, children.
07:53Did you see that?
07:55It's been like it all morning.
07:56Yeah, he'll soon be back to his old normal self.
07:59Yeah, unless we can stretch it out a bit, like, look,
08:02if he ain't got the courage to ask her out for himself,
08:05I reckon we ought to do it for him.
08:06Oh, how romantic.
08:08Yeah, Terry, why don't you write a note to Pricey?
08:11And Des, you write one to Miss Nightly.
08:13Yeah.
08:14Dear Vaughan,
08:15the smell of your leeks really turns me on.
08:21Oh, Miss Nightly!
08:23Good thought of you and my lip just turns blue!
08:27Oh, turn it up, dear.
08:28It's up with you.
08:30It's all right.
08:30That's so nice.
08:31Quack, quack, quack.
08:33Now, then, settle down.
08:35Now, let's see if we can get a grasp of contours.
08:39Yeah!
08:41A brand-new roller skates.
08:44Fire, darling, come.
08:47Mr. Price?
08:49Hello, Doris.
08:50You're looking lovely.
08:52I suppose you think that's very fa...
09:04I think something in silver would be appropriate, Gloria.
09:07Doris would like that.
09:08Hmm, like a...
09:09er, type-in or cufflinks.
09:12Or perhaps something a little more feminine.
09:16Bicycle clips.
09:18For our silver wedding,
09:20Madge presented me with a pair of engraved silver bicycle clips.
09:24Oh, how touching.
09:26Anyway, I enjoy buying presents.
09:28I'll find something nice.
09:30Oh, I'm sure you will, Miss Petting, yeah.
09:32Here, I see.
09:33You don't think that I ought to contribute something, do you?
09:36Oh, what a kind thought.
09:37Thank you, Norman.
09:38Eh?
09:39Oh.
09:40Wait a minute.
09:41Ah, very subtle.
09:41Very subtle, that.
09:42Yes, I see that, yes.
09:43Oh, well, I suppose if my headmaster's opened his mouth,
09:45I'd better pop ten bob in.
09:46There we are.
09:47Oh, thank you.
09:49I know, Doris, you're right.
09:50But I can't help it.
09:51Whenever I look at her, I hear the Aberystwyth male voice choir in full belt.
09:55Still lovesick, Pricey.
09:57Personally, I'd put something in his tea.
09:59Oh, that's a good idea.
10:01Hey, what's that?
10:06It's for you, Mr Price.
10:08Eh?
10:09Oh.
10:11Oh.
10:13Darling Vaughan.
10:16My little Welsh cherub.
10:19I just want the chance to...
10:21Oh, you were wrong, Doris.
10:23It's not one-sided.
10:24It's two-sided, at least.
10:26Oh, I am so happy.
10:28Oh.
10:31Oh, get off, will you?
10:33Come on.
10:34Get the bromide quick.
10:35He's gone barresque.
10:59I'll leave this here, just a little presentation drink for tomorrow.
11:02Oh, what a good idea.
11:03Oh, I thought you'd gone home early, Price.
11:05Eh?
11:06Ah, yes, I did.
11:07But I forgot something.
11:09Oh, well.
11:09Good night, then.
11:10Good night.
11:11Of course, now.
11:30Come.
11:33Come.
11:35Come in.
11:40oh hello Patricia I love scotch oh well I'm afraid I'll have to break it to you I'm Welsh
11:47really would you like some yes please well bottoms up oh yes oh bloody hell oh I am sorry I
12:13don't
12:13know what made me say a thing like that I don't even know what it means I can't stop long
12:20oh you're
12:21not going are you I mean well the night is young I was going to um show me your etchings
12:26hey no I'm
12:27afraid we haven't got any of those we've got a few of smithy's models lying about somewhere though
12:32no I've already arranged to meet someone uh your hairdresser dentist no doctor no
12:44it's your boyfriend isn't it yeah uh that is just an uncle oh oh oh there's family love for you
12:53isn't it oh I like a man with a pipe what do you I've got three more at home it
13:02makes you look so
13:03mature eh oh well it's uh it's teaching that ages you you know oh yes I dread the day when
13:10I reach 30
13:10you're very you're very conscious of your age aren't you who me no no loss of hair is a sign
13:18of
13:18virility you know really mr cromwell hasn't got much oh well it's a sign of other things too
13:27but you are well endowed though oh yes oh your hair I mean oh thank you
13:33Vaughn do I remind you of anyone yes blood when Thomas oh oh yeah I'm sorry most people say Jane
13:41Fonda
13:43oh you're so lovely you could be Welsh you have the innocence of a newborn babe yeah thank you
13:51you say such nice things to me Vaughn oh well it takes a beautiful woman you know to bring out
13:56the true
13:56Welsh lyricists and that or a rugby match look I've really got to go my uncle you know oh but
14:05I mean
14:06can't he manage on his own well I think he'd rather have me there hey well I thought perhaps we
14:11might uh
14:11I thought perhaps could we um did you want to see me again hey oh yes you're right I shouldn't
14:16have
14:16asked really hey oh yes please how about tomorrow night hi hi we could have a few jars and then
14:23we could
14:23have a sing song and then we could go back to my place and have a oh no well perhaps
14:28not we could
14:30go dancing dancing aye that's it we could be another Fred Astaire and Ginger Rogers you what oh no they
14:37were before our time weren't they yes my parents told me about them you know till tomorrow then Vaughn
14:50good night Patricia ah it's here since I did the waltz oh bloody hell they don't do that anymore do
15:03they
15:30guess who's a little aquarium a little aqua- why is it a little aquarium a little aquarium why is
15:33it a little aquarium
15:33I see a little zodiac joke to remind me but there's no need Norman happy birthday oh and I've got
15:39something for you oh thank you very much sir yes I wonder what's in here sir I wonder what it
15:44can be
15:44yes have a look go on right sir I'll wait a moment now just wait a minute let me guess
15:49so now
15:49I've only told one person and she's the soul of discretion oh I'm sure she is I can I can
15:55rely on you
16:20oh oh oh oh Doris did I startle you Doris
16:25nothing you could do would startle me Morris
16:29why are you doing all that you know we have a secretary
16:31where oh well she's probably overslept you know she had a busy day yesterday
16:36nail varnishing the study I suppose
16:39I'm afraid Miss Natalie is proving more trouble than she's worth
16:42my mother received this letter this morning
16:44it appears that I've been regularly playing truant from school
16:48it has been wrongly addressed Morris I'm wondering how many others have been
16:55oh not many I think she forgot to post most of them
16:59she's a bad influence on the children too not to mention certain members of the staff
17:03and she loses things
17:05oh well it's early days early days she hasn't found her feet yet Doris
17:08misfiled them I suppose
17:11quite honestly I don't think her presence here is warranted
17:14I agree but you know how it is she's the governor's niece you know
17:17like that man who used to bounce me up and down on his knee
17:20what do you mean
17:22the heat of the moment Doris
17:24now come along come along you're a man of the world
17:28I can't understand what you're talking about Morris
17:30but I do understand that something ought to be done
17:32quite right and the moment she comes in
17:35I shall reprimand her very severely
17:38good morning everybody
17:41you're bright and early this morning Patricia
17:46that's nice isn't it
17:47yes
17:48you've chosen well Gloria
17:49you do think she'll like it don't you
17:51oh I'm sure she will
17:53anyway the man said it could be changed
17:55but it wouldn't be the same would it if it was
17:57no
17:57you're not supposed to like things you're given at presentations
18:01it's the thought that counts
18:04tonight
18:05tonight
18:06bought something extra for Doris Pricey
18:08eh oh no this is for a lady
18:14very quick that
18:15I didn't see a thing there
18:18Mr Hust
18:19tell me
18:20I don't want to over presume too much
18:21but when is the presentation going to transpire
18:23four o'clock
18:24you will join us won't you Norman
18:25we'll join you
18:26that's very good that isn't it
18:27I'm not likely to miss it am I
18:29I'm afraid we've already wrapped the present
18:31oh I think you could have a peep if you really like
18:34yes
18:34oh no no Mr Smith
18:35no no no
18:36that would be paramount to see you to cheating
18:38wouldn't it
18:39oh no no no we aquariums like surprises you know
18:41oh yes
18:42oh
18:43don't you look smart Mr Price
18:46eh
18:47ah well this is my day of days Gloria
18:50and who knows what promises tonight will hold
18:53steady on Gloria he doesn't mean it
18:56oh I can't wait until tonight
18:58it's going to be all French chalk and billowing taffeta
19:02billowing taffeta
19:04ha ha you look lovely daff
19:11oh hello my little daffodil all ready for tonight are you
19:15hmm
19:15dancing you know
19:17oh that
19:19there
19:19something has dampened your spirit hasn't it
19:22yeah
19:23yeah Cromwell
19:24oh him
19:25it's a wonder he didn't blow and drown it
19:27he won't leave me alone
19:29he's been at me all morning
19:30he hasn't
19:31yeah
19:32now they brought the governor in
19:34oh that's typical Cromwell
19:35he can't manage anything on his own
19:37oh
19:39you've gone all trembly and red
19:40oh well
19:41that's a sign of Welsh anger you see
19:43I don't like seeing a woman being taken advantage of
19:46taken advantage
19:48yeah well I suppose they are
19:49it needs a man to put them in their place
19:52yes yes you're right Patricia
19:53you stay here I'll sort this one out
19:55Vaughan the Avenger I'm known as in Martha
20:00you didn't knock Price
20:02I do not indulge in polite formalities with the likes of you Cromwell
20:05Gabe Adinage
20:07Gabe Adinage
20:08oh Mr Thompson this is Mr Price
20:10and he obviously has shown himself too
20:11taking advantage of a poor little innocent angel
20:14oh which little angel is this
20:15that one in the corridor
20:17I think he means Miss Nathalie headmaster
20:19oh she's not really very good you know
20:20oh
20:21oh some sort of an expert now are you
20:23Mr Price
20:24staff dismissals are hardly your province
20:26unless of course it happens to be you we are dismissing
20:28you don't scare me boy
20:30I'm prepared to lay my job on
20:32eh
20:33who's been dismissed
20:34Miss Nathalie
20:35oh I am sorry
20:36I misunderstood you see
20:38oh well that's alright then as long as it's not me
20:41eh
20:42no
20:42bloody isn't
20:43you can't suck her
20:44why not
20:46why
20:46well because
20:47well it's not fair
20:48and um
20:49well she's only just
20:50and anyway
20:51I mean look
20:52quite
20:54but you can't suck her
20:56because she reminds me of
20:58Bloodwyn Thomas
20:59Mr Price
21:01if we start employing people
21:02if we start employing people on that basis
21:03I mean she won't have any money
21:05and where is she going to live
21:07in her flat as usual
21:08aye aye
21:09and who's going to pay the rent
21:10eh
21:10hmm
21:11I am as usual
21:12eh
21:13yes sir
21:13she's her
21:14his niece
21:15you know
21:16his niece
21:17yes
21:18oh
21:19so you are uncle then
21:21oh yes
21:22as a matter of fact I am
21:23you know how it is
21:25out of the world
21:25and all that eh
21:26Price
21:26I'm one too
21:30no
21:30I don't think I want to hear
21:32any more of this
21:32oh quite honestly
21:33it's my mistake
21:34you know how it is
21:34one promises things
21:35in the heat of the moment
21:36true
21:37true
21:37true
21:38heat of the
21:39oh I don't think I want to hear
21:40any more of this
21:41I'm going
21:44well
21:45what did they say
21:46they're blackening your name
21:47Patricia
21:48inferring that you were a kept woman
21:50I've a good mind
21:51to go over that governor's head
21:52and get him the sack
21:53oh
21:53you mustn't do that
21:55they couldn't pay my rent then
21:58oh
22:00so you really are
22:02his niece then
22:03oh
22:04well
22:04that's different then
22:06isn't it
22:06well
22:08sort of
22:09oh you know Vaughan
22:11you're a man of the world
22:12oh no
22:12don't use that
22:13he doesn't have to affect us
22:15does he
22:16Teddy's very free like that
22:18he lets me go out
22:19with hundreds of men
22:20hundreds
22:22well
22:23quite a few
22:25what I'm trying to say is
22:26he doesn't mind
22:30you are not a little
22:31daffodil at all
22:32are you
22:34women
22:36and men
22:37you're all the same
22:39sex maniacs
22:42was it worth ruining a good bottle of scotch
22:44pricey
22:44hey no it wasn't
22:46I'm giving up women
22:47I'm going to stick with Doris in future
22:50well I'm glad Miss Naitley is gone
22:52she was turning Morris into a man of the world
22:58come in Norman
22:59come in
22:59oh
23:01inebriants as well
23:02you flatter me
23:04oh
23:05how exciting
23:06here we all are
23:08yes
23:08all except Doris
23:10oh I'm sure we can start without Miss Yule
23:12she won't mind
23:13yes
23:15well
23:16I'm not very good at making speeches
23:19here
23:21so I'll just say that this is a very special day for Fenstreet
23:25oh
23:26please have master peers
23:27a day on which we honour one of our oldest serving colleagues
23:32oh I'm going red all over now
23:34so here is our token of 15 happy years at Fenstreet Doris
23:42thank you
23:43this is a surprise
23:44especially as I've only been here 13 years
23:47oh
23:48Naitley strikes again
23:49oh
23:50how embarrassing isn't it
23:52yes
23:52well I know I am
23:54well what are we going to do
23:55well
23:55I think Doris should keep the present for
23:58for being Doris
24:00yeah yeah
24:01I'm very splendid
24:02you've done it Doris
24:03yeah
24:04very lucky to get anything at all
24:05some people didn't
24:07oh don't worry Norman
24:08I told you I only mentioned it to one person
24:11happy birthday Norman
24:12oh
24:12well it's got a cigarette box is it
24:16open it
24:16oh but
24:17oh
24:21happy birthday to you
24:23happy birthday dear Norman
24:26happy birthday to you
24:29oh
24:31happy birthday to you
24:33happy birthday to you
24:35happy birthday to you
24:36happy birthday to you
24:39happy birthday to you
24:41happy birthday to you
24:44happy birthday to you
24:45happy birthday to you
24:46happy birthday to you
24:50happy birthday to you
24:51happy birthday to you
24:52happy birthday to you
24:53happy birthday to you
24:55happy birthday to you
24:57happy birthday to you
24:59happy birthday to you
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