- 1 day ago
First broadcast 29th November 1969.
To cover up the terrible cooking being produced by the kitchen at the school, Potter has been supplying the headmaster with imported meals.
John Alderton - Bernard Hedges
Deryck Guyler - Norman Potter
Noel Howlett - Mr. Cromwell
Joan Sanderson - Doris Ewell
Richard Davies - Mr. Price
Erik Chitty - Mr. Smith
David Barry - Frankie Abbott
Peter Cleall - Eric Duffy
Peter Denyer - Dennis Dunstable
Liz Gebhardt - Maureen Bullock
Malcolm McFee - Peter Craven
Penny Spencer - Sharon Eversleigh
Pat Nye - Mrs. Savage
Jo Rowbottom - Elsie
Mollie Maureen - Mrs. Wilmot
To cover up the terrible cooking being produced by the kitchen at the school, Potter has been supplying the headmaster with imported meals.
John Alderton - Bernard Hedges
Deryck Guyler - Norman Potter
Noel Howlett - Mr. Cromwell
Joan Sanderson - Doris Ewell
Richard Davies - Mr. Price
Erik Chitty - Mr. Smith
David Barry - Frankie Abbott
Peter Cleall - Eric Duffy
Peter Denyer - Dennis Dunstable
Liz Gebhardt - Maureen Bullock
Malcolm McFee - Peter Craven
Penny Spencer - Sharon Eversleigh
Pat Nye - Mrs. Savage
Jo Rowbottom - Elsie
Mollie Maureen - Mrs. Wilmot
Category
📺
TVTranscript
00:00Come on, come on, come on!
00:30Come on, come on!
01:00Come on, come on!
01:29Come on, come on, come on!
01:31Come on, come on, come on!
01:33Come on, come on, come on!
01:37Come on, come on!
01:41Semolina surprise, Mrs. Wicks, has to be whipped, not massaged.
01:46Pardon me, moi!
01:47I hope you have been watching, Mrs. Wilmot, because that's the result we have to achieve, see?
01:57Sugar!
01:58Oh!
01:59Mrs. Savage?
02:00Oh!
02:01Oh!
02:07Oh, Mr. Savage, you seem to blossom in this humid atmosphere, like some, uh, rare orchid.
02:13Oh, terror!
02:13Oh!
02:15Is the, uh, Ed Master's dinner ready?
02:17Yeah, I've got it on my special off plate.
02:18Oh, thank you.
02:20I've gone all Hungarian for him today.
02:23Oh!
02:24Goulash!
02:25Sees all dash!
02:26Oh, Mr. Savage, oh, I can almost hear the gypsy violins.
02:33You're very welcome.
02:34Thank you, Mrs.
02:35Oh.
02:39Well?
02:41Sugar!
02:44I see, I see, there's airs in this!
02:46Oh!
02:46Oh, Ruby, my love.
03:12Have you got the headmaster's dinner ready?
03:14Oh, thank you, dear.
03:16Yes.
03:31Entrada!
03:35Sir?
03:37Oh, Potter, you are late.
03:39Oh, sir, please, surely not.
03:41Just one of my little jokes.
03:43Oh, I see, sir.
03:44Oh, you are a caution, sir.
03:47Sandy Powell himself could learn from you, you know, sir.
03:51My word, that looks good enough to eat.
03:54There you go again, sir.
03:56Oh, sweet.
03:58Oh, I don't know how you come up with them.
04:00Oh, they really are so fair.
04:01Sherry, sir.
04:03Por favor.
04:04Just a bar to, sir.
04:05Oh, I'm so sorry, Potter.
04:15Won't you have a drop?
04:16Oh, no, I couldn't, sir, really.
04:17No, no, no.
04:18Just a tiny drop.
04:20You said, are you happy?
04:20Another of Mrs. Savage's triumphs.
04:29Ah, yes, a greeter, yes.
04:30She's in Epicurean, yes, you know, sir, of the first water.
04:33And still the staff complain.
04:35I cannot understand it.
04:36Neither can I, sir.
04:37No, neither can I.
04:38Look at this price.
04:56Gravity-defying semolina.
05:00Well, don't throw it away.
05:01Let it solidify and you can make golf balls out of it.
05:04Well, it's probably the cigarette ash that gives it its consistency.
05:08Do you mind, Hitches?
05:11I'm about to take lunch.
05:14Where does he think he is?
05:16Henley?
05:17Oh, you want to watch this?
05:18This is one of the great rituals of our time.
05:21Jane, if you will, Grace, I'm not ashamed of loving my wife.
05:24Oh, isn't he lovely?
05:25Is that much?
05:26Who else?
05:34I had one of those with Rupert Bear on it.
05:37Don't use that.
05:38Oh, Robin.
05:39A rose.
05:40Got your little vase, have you?
05:42Yes, of course.
05:44Oh, God, I can't stand any more of this arsenic and old lace.
05:47I'm going over the feathers.
05:48You coming?
05:48No, I'm going to complain about this jollop to the headmaster.
05:51That's no good.
05:51He likes school dinners.
05:53I wish you will, then.
05:53She likes school dinners.
05:55How?
05:55Because the headmaster does.
05:57Well, greater love hath no woman than semolina.
05:59Oh, come on.
06:00Let's go over to the feather.
06:01I'm not going to let this drop, though.
06:02I wouldn't.
06:03You'll damage the floor.
06:05Oh, mad.
06:07Mad.
06:08Mad.
06:08What's the trouble, Smithy?
06:09She's forgotten the food.
06:15Oh, I'm getting it.
06:16It's lovely.
06:16Better than rotten school dinners, aren't they?
06:22You're right, then.
06:23OK, drinks.
06:25Ladies first.
06:25What are you having, Frankie?
06:26I don't know, Al.
06:28I was just time with the idea of drinking me way along the top shelf.
06:31Oh, come back, then.
06:32Sharon?
06:33Er, Pimms, I think.
06:34What number?
06:35Eh?
06:36What number Pimms do you want?
06:37Well, when I go out with Vicky, he just gets me Pimms.
06:40I bet he orders food off the wine waiter and all.
06:42Some people are just bleeding uncouth, aren't they?
06:44Well, for all the air all's information, I'd say you was definitely a Bacardi and Coke.
06:49It was a betting more he wants a double scotch.
06:51White wine, please, Eric.
06:53German or Italian?
06:55Oh, Italian, because the Pope lives in Italy.
06:57He's got a bad leg, the Pope.
06:59He hasn't.
07:00There's nothing about it in Monsignor Stockworth's new sheet.
07:03Well, he has, because I saw him on a telly.
07:05He had to be carried around in this chair.
07:07Oh, no, Den, that's not his legs.
07:09That's his papal, um, papal...
07:11Perks?
07:12No, his chair's like what was due to him,
07:14as was due unto them which worked before...
07:17It goes with the job.
07:18Oh.
07:19Can I have a beer, please, Eric?
07:20Right, three pints.
07:22I've decided.
07:23Which end of the bar are you going to start me?
07:25Half a shanning.
07:26Stroll, have you got that old...
07:28Yeah, I've got it, but what makes you think I'm going to serve it?
07:31You're underage.
07:32Well, we wouldn't want you to get in stock with a lure.
07:35Here, look, before we shoot off, I've got a message for you from your brother, Monty.
07:39Monty?
07:39Yeah.
07:40What?
07:41What was it, P?
07:42That's funny.
07:42I can't seem to think when I'm thirsty, Earl.
07:44It's funny, isn't it, though?
07:46Oh, and it's all coming back now.
07:48It's about that dress you've got, you know, with a zip and a big ring on it.
07:50Oh, the blue one?
07:51That's the one.
07:52Well, Monty says if you persist in wearing it, he'll have no alternative but to, er...
07:57Oh, Randy, devil!
08:00Human nature, Earl.
08:02So are we to fight it?
08:03Couldn't he have wheels on it?
08:05Pardon?
08:05Well, it'd be easier to push him along than carry him along.
08:08Oh, come on, let's get away with her.
08:12You've been in here after hours, many a time.
08:17Ah, there she is.
08:19Aphrodite rising from the sea of best bitter.
08:22Oh, when are you coming away with me, Elsie Vach?
08:25When, when?
08:25Oh, don't start all that again, Taff.
08:27Then say you'll be mine and put an end to my torment, you she-devil.
08:30Oh, devil yourself?
08:32Why can't you be nice and quiet like him?
08:36I'm only quiet, Elsie, because I dare not utter the words I feel for you.
08:41Oh, God.
08:44It's out at last.
08:45Yours is the face that haunts my every waking moment.
08:48No, no, she's mine.
08:50Forget this.
08:51Elton, let me open the flap of your door and let me into paradise.
08:56Oh, no, stop it.
08:59Right, I think you'll find that, er, that...
09:01What are you doing in here?
09:02What are we doing, Essry?
09:04You're supposed to be having school lunch.
09:06So are you.
09:06All right, out.
09:07And I'll see you all later on.
09:08You can't do nothing worse to us than old mother savage would have done with her semolina.
09:12I saw you.
09:14Sex bomb.
09:14Well, go on, make some excuse for them.
09:21Well, it's Mrs Savage.
09:22She drives them in here.
09:23Aye, like I am, filings have to be driven to a magnet.
09:26A couple of cottage pies, please, Elsie.
09:28Oh, sorry, love, I haven't got anything hot.
09:30We're minus a cork.
09:32I'll do your sandwiches, though.
09:34Ham or cheese.
09:35As long as they're made with love, Elsie, I don't mind.
09:37Oh, look at that sensual wrist-action price.
09:46It drives you mad.
09:48It looks mad.
09:51Ham, please.
09:52Oh, hello, Miss Ewell.
09:53Slumming?
09:54So it appears.
09:57Ham, please, too.
09:58And a grapefruit juice.
10:00Skiving off school dinners, Miss Ewell?
10:02Certainly not.
10:03I just had a small corner to fill.
10:05Girl guides on her.
10:06Well, you should have seen it today.
10:09It was unspeakable.
10:11Well, it beats me why somebody from the staff
10:13doesn't go up to the old tribusy savage
10:14and say, now, look here, savage.
10:16Either come up with the food or do the other.
10:18Avenues of approach, Mr Hedges.
10:20Aye, all round the bloody houses.
10:22Any complaint would have to come formally from the headmaster.
10:25And Mrs Savage's cooking seems a chink,
10:28the only chink in his armour.
10:30Well, you and the headmaster are like that.
10:32Which one's the headmaster?
10:34Like what?
10:35Um, you know, chummy.
10:37I mean, couldn't you do it for him?
10:39No, I could not.
10:42I will not be a party to undermining the headmaster's authority,
10:45and neither will anybody else.
10:47Well, somebody's got to do something.
10:48I can't have my kids coming in here every lunchtime.
10:50Well, Mrs Savage, I've never been criticized.
10:52You tried.
10:52She'll put you in her mincer and turn you into sausages.
10:55I can be very diplomatic when I choose to be, Price.
10:57Oh, well, after you've been diplomatic with old Lucretia Borgia,
11:01just remember you've got another 15 rounds to go with old grapefruit juice.
11:05The bar won't fall down if you come over here and join me.
11:09Well, who's paying?
11:11Mrs Wilmot, I hope you're not scraping my bottoms with your wire wall.
11:27I said that goulash was too thick.
11:30I can't budge it.
11:31Too thick?
11:33My roux is of a consistency peculiar to myself.
11:36It took me four years to perfect it.
11:38It'd take me four years to clean the bloody pans and all.
11:41Look here, Mrs Wilmot.
11:43Oh, good gracious.
11:47Staff problems, Mrs Savage?
11:49They never have grasped my finer points, Norman.
11:52Well, the burden of command, you know, Mr Savage, if we both bear.
11:57The headmaster's compliments.
11:59He was ecstatic.
12:00Ah, well, that's because he's more the kind of customer
12:03I'm used to cooking for in the bistro.
12:05Ah, yes.
12:06Ah, ah, ah.
12:10As you know, Mrs Savage,
12:11the great North Road's loss is our game.
12:14Yes, well, you see, here,
12:16they wouldn't know a bouquet gun
12:17if you hit them in the face with it.
12:19Oh, I concur, yes.
12:20A small bunch of flowers on the table sets off the old meal.
12:23Wag!
12:27Potter?
12:28Oh, I'm ready to do.
12:30Ah, ah, Mrs Savage?
12:32Yes?
12:34Now, I don't want you to take this
12:37as any sort of criticism of your cooking ability.
12:39Oh, you don't, do you?
12:40But, um, a lot of people feel...
12:44A few people feel...
12:47Certainly, um, several.
12:48Well, I feel...
12:49Yes, look, Paul, I want you to feel...
12:51Well, perhaps your cooking might be a little...
12:56Now, uh, and Potter will back me up on this one.
13:00I will not.
13:03Perhaps if you didn't, uh,
13:04actually touch the food, uh, Mrs Savage,
13:06just sort of supervised.
13:08Uh, I'd, I'd like your opinion on that one, Mrs Savage.
13:11I'll send her my cards in the morning.
13:14I didn't want her to leave, you know?
13:15I just wanted her to improve.
13:17Oh,
13:18trust him to throw a spatter in my works.
13:21Oh, the young hothead.
13:23Oh, God!
13:41Entree!
13:42Pardon me for not smiling at you, sir,
13:52but I have a lot on my mind.
13:54If it's water on the brain, Potter,
13:56I suggest a little tap on the head.
14:03I'm afraid it's no good, sir.
14:05That is one of the funniest and wittiest jokes I've ever heard, sir,
14:07but I'm afraid I cannot laugh.
14:12Why not?
14:13Because Mrs Savage is no longer with us, sir.
14:16Good Lord, she hasn't gone to the summer land.
14:18Oh, no, sir, no.
14:19She left yesterday.
14:21Left?
14:22Why wasn't I told?
14:23Well, you haven't been here since yesterday afternoon, sir.
14:25You went fishing.
14:27Marine biology, Potter.
14:29But this is terrible.
14:33Terrible!
14:33Oh!
14:37Thank you for a delicious lunch, my darling.
14:45And thank you for a delicious lunch, my darling.
14:48You can take me out for dinner, if you like.
14:52I will buy you a pint.
14:53You struck a blow for the free stomachs of the world
14:55when you got rid of old Mars Savage.
14:57It's not a bad cook, is it, Mrs Wilmot?
15:00I shall, of course, remain faithful to Madge
15:02and her little basket,
15:04but I must say,
15:05all the staff seem very repeat.
15:08For some of the kids,
15:08it's the first time I've seen all the food eaten
15:10and not used as ammunition.
15:12How did you manage it, Edges?
15:13I wouldn't even buck Tommy Farr to get the better with her.
15:16Well, I don't think you understand
15:17the subtleties of personnel management, Price.
15:21I'd just like you to be pathetically grateful
15:23and just grovel a little.
15:24St. Bernard and the Dragon.
15:31How did he do it, eh?
15:33How did a little weed-like privet
15:34overthrow a great airy monster like her?
15:36He's not a weed, he's just slim.
15:39You know, I don't reckon Mother Savage
15:40is a woman at all.
15:41Oh, well, which labs does she use?
15:43That'll tell you.
15:45Well, I am to know she's a woman.
15:48Go on, Michael Caine.
15:49Ow.
15:50I've seen her drawers.
15:51You haven't had a fair with it, Frankie.
15:55No, I'd drop me protractor.
15:56We could ask the other ladies in the kitchen,
15:58they'd know.
16:00Well, I don't see why Sir
16:02couldn't just have dominated her out of her job.
16:04Nah, he's never dominant more.
16:06What about when his nose goes all white, then?
16:09I'll tell you what, I'll ask him.
16:10Ask me what, Raymond?
16:12Are you a dominator?
16:14Well, in what context?
16:16Eh?
16:16Women.
16:17Are you dominant with women?
16:19Well, er...
16:21If you're asking a serious question, Sharon,
16:24I think I can safely say...
16:27No, he isn't, ma'am.
16:29But his nose isn't all white now.
16:32Pardon?
16:33What are you talking about?
16:35The way you got shot at a beast
16:36that lurked in a school kitchen.
16:38Dynamic personality.
16:40Oh, Ravi!
16:41All right.
16:42All right.
16:43Mr Hedges.
16:44Yes, Missy Lord.
16:45Can you report to the headmaster's study immediately?
16:47All right.
16:48All right, yes, sir.
16:49What in, netball timetables?
16:51Avenues of approach.
16:53Ah.
16:54Right you are.
16:54Well, before I go, Missy Lord,
16:56I'd like to clue you in on what I was about to teach here.
17:01Hooray!
17:02Trains!
17:02Toot, toot!
17:04Sorry, Missy.
17:05You see, this, in fact, is a basic English sentence.
17:10It's a toy, a train set.
17:12Yes, yes, it is.
17:13But I've written on the carriages, do you see?
17:16That is the subject.
17:20That one is the verb.
17:22And this one is the object.
17:26It's a visual aid, do you see?
17:28It's a toy train set.
17:31Right, good, yes, yes, good.
17:33I'll, er, go and see the headmaster.
17:37Now, take out your English exercise books.
17:42Quietly.
17:44And write this down.
17:46The Crusaders attacked the Saracen encampment.
17:51How do you spell Saracen?
17:53Oh.
17:54Here, Nilly.
17:55Okay, blackout.
17:56Now, can anyone tell me what the subject is?
18:04Yes, Dunstable?
18:05English.
18:09Crossed her arms, sir.
18:11I know I never touched her.
18:12She wasn't there long enough.
18:13Presumably you're denying the foul language as well.
18:16I damn well have.
18:17She's off against her.
18:18Yes, Potter.
18:19I thought you might be mixed up in this.
18:21What goes on between you and Mrs Savage, anyway?
18:24Please, sir, do I have to stand here
18:25and listen to these besmirchments of my character?
18:28Apologise.
18:29Miss, I sometimes think if Potter told you
18:30the world was flat, she'd believe it, sir.
18:32No, no, no, no.
18:33Manners.
18:34That's not empty-dubty sitting in that show, you know.
18:36That's all right.
18:36Master.
18:37What are you?
18:38The headmaster's voice.
18:39Watch it.
18:40Hey, he's done it again, sir.
18:41Watch it.
18:41If I could find my barrow,
18:43I'd write to the governors about you.
18:45No, my son.
18:46Oh.
18:46That's all right.
18:48I'm sorry, sir.
18:49Very well.
18:50Fortunately, Potter has prevailed upon the noble savage
18:52to return to the fold.
18:54Oh.
18:56Bliss.
18:56Have you some personal animosity against the lady?
18:59Yes.
19:00She can't cook.
19:01Then I'm afraid your flavour buds are out of order.
19:03He possibly hasn't got any in the first place, sir.
19:05Look, sir, the only decent meal I've had
19:06since I first came to the school was today,
19:08and that was cooked by Mrs Wilmot.
19:09But that was horrible.
19:11I'm afraid one of us needs medical attention.
19:13Shall I get a doctor for him, sir?
19:21I said earlier that the English language
19:24was the key to the beauties of our literature.
19:28I can now add that in your hands
19:30it becomes a shovel with which to bury it.
19:34I, subject, reckon, verb, she, object, is,
19:38another verb, a crabby old bitch, adjectival phrase.
19:41Blimey, you learnt it.
19:43Yes, you have to, with her.
19:44And bloody tastic.
19:46What?
19:46We've only accumulated 2,300 lines
19:49in three quarters of an hour.
19:50That's all.
19:51Oh, dear.
19:51Oh.
19:52Well, that looks as if he's had a bash in an orphanage.
19:54Ah.
19:55Did you get a rollick in, sir?
19:57Yes.
19:57Um, certainly not, Dennis.
19:59No, no, no.
20:00No, the headmaster and I just had a straightforward...
20:03Mrs Savage is coming back to school.
20:04Oh, no.
20:06Oh, it's not my fault.
20:07Potter's mixed up in this somehow.
20:09Yeah, we found out how yesterday off Mrs Wilmot.
20:11Old Mother Savage shoots him a load of free groceries every week.
20:14But that's dishonest.
20:15It's like a newborn babe, isn't it?
20:17Yeah.
20:17I like a dominant and naive man.
20:21But that still doesn't explain
20:22how the headmaster can possibly enjoy Mrs Savage's cooking.
20:25It doesn't matter.
20:26You want to shoot straight up to Oliver
20:27and shop the pair of them for working a grocery flanker.
20:29No, no, if one did that,
20:32what would it do to one's self-respect?
20:34Will you come to the mission?
20:37Will you come to...
20:37All right, all right, listen to me.
20:39Now, if one stooped as low as that,
20:41could one then turn round and look oneself in the face?
20:45It's a physical impossibility.
20:47Anyway, it's not enough to shop one.
20:50Oh, God.
20:51I always thought Oliver was simple-minded,
20:53but if he liked her grub, he must be raving mad.
20:55Yeah, perhaps Potter gets him special dinners from round the chip shop.
20:58Of course.
21:01Then's only given us the answer, hasn't he?
21:03Yeah.
21:03What?
21:04Well, Potter must slip Oliver something different
21:06from what the rest of us gets.
21:08But how can we, as little children, do something about it?
21:11I don't know.
21:12We'll just have to ask some of the thugs and hooligans in the school
21:15if there is a way.
21:17Oh, thank goodness, Mrs. Savage,
21:26that we've returned to the status quo.
21:28I've made him a classic dish today, Norman.
21:31Ragu savage.
21:33Oh.
21:34There we are.
21:36There!
21:37Yes, it's aromatic, isn't it?
21:44Well, Herbes is like women, you know, Norman.
21:46Treat them subtly and they respond to you.
21:50Yeah.
21:50Well, I'm not.
21:51I must have been the headmaster waiting.
21:52Good afternoon, Mrs. Savage.
21:59I trust you'll keep him fit and well.
22:01Hey, no dirty gear in here now.
22:02We've got a lot of food around.
22:03What is it?
22:04What's he got there?
22:06Santa bought it.
22:07Knocked it off, more like.
22:09Eh?
22:09Oh, look, you can see Mr. Potter from here.
22:11Lovely.
22:12Oh, a fine figure of a man here.
22:13Let's have a look.
22:14Awful tripe!
22:30Oh, that dirty double-crosser!
22:34Are you ready for your croons, Mr. Savage?
22:36Oh, get your croons!
22:38And...
22:39Remember the old days, Price?
22:47Mrs. Savage's golf ball semolina soup.
22:49Aye, and those marvellous green and black potatoes of hers.
22:53You know, I thought Mrs. Wilmot would get the job at school cook.
22:55I didn't think they'd get somebody new from outside.
22:57But even when they did,
22:57why did it have to be old speedy bloody Gonzales,
23:00or whatever her name is?
23:01A Spanish oil maniac.
23:03You know, she even makes blanc-mange with olive oil.
23:06Never mind, boy-o.
23:07You've always got the feathers.
23:08Yes. Loading others.
23:10Um, a couple more pints, please, Elsie,
23:12and could you manage a couple of sandwiches without olive oil?
23:14Well, you can have cottage pies, if you like, love.
23:16They're full staff again.
23:19I shall probably marry Elsie, Price.
23:23You keep flashing them eyes at me.
23:25You might have to.
23:28Two cottage pies!
23:31Pie de Maisonette twice!
23:33All right!
23:38See you next time!
Comments