- 11 hours ago
First broadcast 1st January 1972.
The headmaster's "Clean Up Fenn Street" campaign is in full swing.
Deryck Guyler - Norman Potter
Noel Howlett - Mr. Cromwell
Joan Sanderson - Doris Ewell
Richard Davies - Mr. Price
Erik Chitty - Mr. Smith
Vivienne Martin - Miss Petting
Bernard Holley - Mr. Hurst
Barry McCarthy - Terry Stringer
Charles Bolton - Godber
Billy Hamon - Des
Rosemary Faith - Daisy
Drina Pavlovic - Celia
The headmaster's "Clean Up Fenn Street" campaign is in full swing.
Deryck Guyler - Norman Potter
Noel Howlett - Mr. Cromwell
Joan Sanderson - Doris Ewell
Richard Davies - Mr. Price
Erik Chitty - Mr. Smith
Vivienne Martin - Miss Petting
Bernard Holley - Mr. Hurst
Barry McCarthy - Terry Stringer
Charles Bolton - Godber
Billy Hamon - Des
Rosemary Faith - Daisy
Drina Pavlovic - Celia
Category
📺
TVTranscript
00:22The Lone Ranger
00:49Oh, no, no, no, no, stay where you are, stay where you are.
00:55Nearly, headmaster, your cleanup campaign is a good idea,
00:58but I think you're taking it too far.
01:00Well, all right, monsieur, my headmaster can run his oars over me any time he likes.
01:03I know that I'm a carrier of obnoxious little particles.
01:06There you are, behold, a grit-free, no, monsieur.
01:11Monsieur, you're all that, my mum.
01:13Allow me, sir.
01:14Leave it to Fen Street's number one sucker, sir.
01:16There we go.
01:17We must all have a clean-out.
01:19Oh, thank you.
01:20Give rid of the dross.
01:22Well, how do you expect the rest of the staff to clear out their rubbish
01:24when you're starting a zoo?
01:26That's not a zoo, that's Hector Mouse.
01:29I bought him to liven up natural history.
01:31So I suppose all the rubbish you'll be clearing out will be Hector's droppings.
01:35Language, Doris, language.
01:37Besides, Hector doesn't have the things.
01:40Do you, Hector?
01:41Nonsense.
01:42All mice have things.
01:44I suppose you'll get Norma to vacuum his cage for you.
01:47Ah, what a good idea, Michelle.
01:49Yes, here we go.
01:53Oh, sir, I'm afraid I've been able to do a little riddle, sir.
01:57Oh, yes, look, he's down there.
01:58He's in the bend, sir.
01:59No, no, no, no, turn it off, turn it off.
02:01What?
02:02Oh, he's still alive.
02:03I can see his little eyes shining.
02:07What shall we do?
02:08Well, perhaps if you switch the vacuum to blow, Potter.
02:11Well, I hope it's a better idea than your last idea, Michelle.
02:13Oh, he must do something.
02:14So you go over there and fire, and I'll catch.
02:18You'll catch up.
02:18Right, now then.
02:19Are you ready, sir?
02:20Yes.
02:20Ready?
02:21Steady.
02:22Go.
02:25That's funny.
02:27Oh, I don't know.
02:35He must have fallen down behind the filing cabinet.
02:38You're a master of understatement, Morris.
02:40I don't think he's dead.
02:42Hector, oh, Hector, oh, Hector, Hector, Hector.
02:45No, he won't come up.
02:47Well, would you?
02:49It's all right, master.
02:50I think I can fix it.
02:51If it did work once, it'll work again, sir.
02:54No, no, no, no, you'll make him giddy.
02:58He's gone in again.
03:00Put it down here.
03:01Yes, well, sir.
03:02He'll be safe enough there.
03:03Okay.
03:04You can get him out when we've organized the cleanup campaign.
03:07Quite right, quite right.
03:08Priority, priority.
03:10There you are, little cheese, Hector.
03:11Make a tail curl up.
03:15Oh, look.
03:16In a few days' time,
03:17I shall be able to look out
03:18on the cleanest school in the district.
03:21Ah!
03:23Gibbons, come here.
03:26Did you throw that mug at the headmaster?
03:29No.
03:30I threw it at Pricey, but he ducked.
03:40Oh, my dear.
03:44My dear.
03:45Whatever's the matter?
03:46Nothing.
03:48Oh.
03:51You're not being honest, are you, Miss Peckham?
03:54I've been in this profession long enough to know a sobbing teacher when I see one.
03:59Now, what is it?
04:01Well, you know, when little boys and girls talk too much and you have to tell them to shut up.
04:08Yes?
04:09I did.
04:10They said I was talking too much and sent me outside.
04:14Oh.
04:16My dear, you mustn't let them get you down like this.
04:20When this happened at primary school, I used to hand around a bag of pineapple chunks.
04:27I did it in there and they...
04:29Well, pineapple chunks just aren't made for that sort of thing.
04:35You know, my dear, I was once a young teacher just like yourself.
04:39Well, nearly like yourself, give or take the yon.
04:42Well, anyway, I once walked out of a class too, but I knew I had to do something on my
04:49own.
04:50So I tucked up my courage, marched back in and did something.
04:55What did you do?
04:55Ah, I can't remember.
04:59But I know I did it on my own.
05:01Oh, Mr. Smith, you're a little brick.
05:05Oh, sorry.
05:06I'll go in there and show them just who's in charge.
05:09That's right, girl.
05:11Good luck.
05:12Bubble?
05:13Oh, an unruly class.
05:16I was wondering whether to go in and show them my Russian steps.
05:20I didn't know you were a Cossack dancer.
05:22No, no, no, no, no.
05:23One of my models.
05:25Still, they are a bit static for today's children, perhaps.
05:29Most of them are just dust gatherers now.
05:32Tuck, tut, Smithy.
05:32Dust isn't allowed to gather under the headmaster's new laws.
05:35Why don't you leave them out for Potter?
05:36He'll clean them up for you.
05:37Oh, that's not a bad idea.
05:39My fossils could do with a bit of a polish, too.
05:43There.
05:44Do you see?
05:45You've got the quietest classroom on the floor.
05:48That's because there's nobody in there.
05:52They've all gone out of the window.
05:56Tomorrow?
05:58Tomorrow?
05:59You'll spend the whole day helping Potter clean up the school.
06:02I now want to help him.
06:03He's stupid.
06:05Well, you have to be punished if you go around throwing mud at the headmaster.
06:08Then take a diluted solution of hydrochloric acid.
06:16Pour it over your family's cornflakes.
06:20And then sit back and watch them roll around.
06:23Yeah, I thought I would get your attention.
06:25Oh, you said this.
06:27Hey, pay attention or I'll hammer you.
06:30Yeah.
06:37Yeah.
06:38And hammer you hard.
06:41Don't hit people for him no more.
06:43You're pretty useless now, aren't you?
06:45Without old bonehead he had.
06:47Hey, butchie, I can still hit people for meself.
06:50Yeah, that's it, boy.
06:51Mario, you stand up for yourself.
06:54Sit down.
06:55I?
06:56Please.
06:58Now then, where were we?
07:00Oh, yes, sir.
07:01Such a rigid...
07:03Who's poured water all over my chair?
07:06Nobody.
07:07It's not Tricasty.
07:10Oh, very funny.
07:11Well, for that you can all stay in and help me clear out the rubbish.
07:16Get out of the way, Ted.
07:18Go on.
07:19Come on.
07:23And where do you think you all go in?
07:25Home.
07:25I'm helping Mr Potter tomorrow.
07:28Oh, well, you better go home, yeah.
07:29Yes.
07:30Now get yourself a good night's kip.
07:32Yucky duck.
07:33Aye.
07:34Aye.
07:34Oh, it's just Welsh for happy rubbish collecting.
07:36Oh, yucky duck.
07:39Right, you, you and you clear out the cupboards.
07:42And, uh, Stringer, you can wash the goo out of the sphinx.
07:45Ah, Mr Price.
07:47Oh, well, you've got the name right anyway, headmaster.
07:49The wit of the Welsh.
07:51Now, look, I just popped in to remind you to put out all your unwanted tripods and crucibles.
07:55Oh, you're collecting for the Scientist Benevolent Fund, I think?
07:57No, no, no.
07:58This is my new campaign.
07:59Potter will take away all the rubbish for you.
08:01Oh, well, I was just about to sort it out, as the matter of fact.
08:03Or rather, I'm going to get this mob to sort it out for me.
08:06No, no, no, no, no, no.
08:07Slave driver.
08:08It's four o'clock.
08:09We teachers must set an example and do it ourselves.
08:12Yay!
08:15Will you help me then, headmaster?
08:16Oh, no, no, I've got to rescue Hector.
08:19All right, Plastis.
08:20Ha, ha, ha, Miss.
08:21Yaki-da.
08:23Yeah.
08:23Happy rubbish collecting.
08:27Oh, oh, oh, ow.
08:29Oh, bloody hell, it is bloody my trick.
08:31I said it.
08:35Morning, monsieur.
08:36Good morning, Potter.
08:38Gibbons, you're bright and early this morning.
08:40Oh, collecting the rubbish.
08:42Oh, talk.
08:43Well, well.
08:45Oh, Potter.
08:46Yes?
08:46When you have a moment, you might call by the headmaster's study.
08:50I've been having a thorough rummage in his drawers.
08:53You didn't hear that, son?
08:54Oh, I did.
08:55She said she didn't.
08:56Oh, oh, oh, oh, oh.
08:57Now, come along with me.
08:58We've got work to do.
09:01All right.
09:02Do you remember the Norman Potter clean-up routine?
09:05No.
09:06Oh, isn't it marvellous?
09:08Right.
09:08Now, number one, stand of attention.
09:10Number two, face the rubbish.
09:11Look, I'm not the rubbish, am I?
09:13Me?
09:14Not that.
09:14Quiet in the ranks.
09:15No chatting there.
09:16I'm a virtuoso with a bayonet.
09:18Oh, yes.
09:19And I've eaten green arms for breakfast, you know.
09:22Oh, yes.
09:22Now, number two.
09:24Number three?
09:25Yeah.
09:26Quiet, I said, didn't I?
09:28Right.
09:28Now, number three.
09:30Sort out your combustibles from your non-combustible, say.
09:34And four, put your non-coms in that sack and your comms in that sack.
09:40Now, do you follow up?
09:42Yeah.
09:44Combustibles.
09:45Oh, dear, dear.
09:46You haven't got foreign blood in you, have you?
09:49No.
09:50No.
09:50Well, look, leave it.
09:51Never mind.
09:52I'll sort them out when I've had a cup of tea.
09:54Right?
09:54Carry on.
09:55Carry on.
09:58Oh, blimey.
10:00I wish that Welsh could leave all these bits in one place.
10:03It's confusing me.
10:05Now, combustibles.
10:08Non-combustibles.
10:10Chemicals.
10:12Combustible.
10:15Oh, I don't care anymore.
10:17Combustible.
10:23I suppose you enjoy taking advantage of all older men.
10:27I beg your pardon?
10:28My models.
10:29Ours, imagine I sweating on the Grappians.
10:32Where are they now?
10:33Just north of Middlesbrough, I believe.
10:34Stop lamponing me, sir.
10:36Tell me what is going on.
10:39Your young colleague advised me to leave my geographical models out last night.
10:43He claimed Potter might polish them up.
10:45And did he?
10:45As far as I can ascertain, he's polished them off.
10:49Oh, dear.
10:50But surely it's not the end of the world.
10:52It's the end of quite a few bits of it.
10:54I'm sorry.
10:56It's not your fault, my dear.
10:57It's his.
10:58He evidently has a perverse sense of humor.
11:01Oh, I'm sure he's not the sort of...
11:02Are you?
11:03Oh, no.
11:04I mean, no one would actually, would they?
11:07Mr. Hurst, why don't you...
11:09What?
11:09I don't know.
11:11Sorry.
11:12Look, all I can do is apologize sincerely for the mix-up.
11:14It was quite unintentional.
11:16Well, I suppose you'll realize you've made an old man very unhappy.
11:23Oh, it's back-breaking, this incinerating, isn't it?
11:27Now, just a moment.
11:29Just a moment.
11:29Are you sure those are combustibles?
11:31I was in the sack, wasn't I?
11:32Ah, yes.
11:34Well, yes, I suppose they are.
11:35Come on, get me in, son.
11:35That's the idea.
11:37Right, now stand back.
11:38I want to light it.
11:40Oh, no, no, no, sonny boy.
11:41That's my derogative, you know.
11:42Oh, yes, I'm experienced in setting fire to think.
11:45Oh, so am I.
11:46Eh?
11:46I was sitting by two motorbikes, the ice cap, and my grands budgie.
11:50Oh.
11:52Well, I'll tell you what.
11:52Now, if you're a good lad, you could rake out my clinkers.
11:55Rake out your own clinkers.
11:57Now, wait a minute.
11:58Watch it, sonny boy.
11:59Watch it.
11:59You know, you're talking to someone here who's an expert at unarmed combat.
12:02You didn't know that, did you?
12:03Eh?
12:04Well, watch this, son.
12:05See what I mean?
12:06Yes, I'm off.
12:07Yes, I'm here.
12:08Oh, no.
12:08Yes, I'm here.
12:09What do you know?
12:10See what I mean?
12:10Here.
12:11I'll tell you what.
12:12Let's fight for it.
12:13Friendly like that.
12:14In companies.
12:15No, no.
12:16You're bound to beat me before getting right in, eh?
12:18Oh, my stomach.
12:24Oh, it must be them green orange you had for breakfast.
12:27Ah, well, look, sonny.
12:28We've no time for fighting now, haven't we, God.
12:30We've got all this stuff to burn, haven't we?
12:31Now, I'll tell you what.
12:32As a special drink, I'll let you light the fire.
12:35Oh, thanks, Mr. Potter.
12:36Here you are.
12:37There's the matches.
12:37Right, old son.
12:39Get straking.
12:39Ah, that's it.
12:41Ah, yes, we'll soon have this hot enough, you know, to seize the airs off a brass monkey.
12:47Now, stand back.
12:48We've come to the tricky bit.
12:50It's tricky.
12:51It's not to be done by somebody who knows what they are doing.
12:54Hey, shall we go and get me sewed, eh?
12:56Now, belt up.
12:58That's funny.
12:59I could have sworn I left the acid here.
13:01And where's the phosphorus and the magnesium?
13:03Any more rubbish?
13:04No, no, no, no.
13:04There's no rubbish on the desk, boy.
13:06Oh, leave it alone.
13:07Well, it was last night.
13:08It was a pile of books, two bottles, combustibles.
13:13What are you trying to say, lawyer?
13:16Combustibles.
13:17And what have you done with them?
13:19Put them in my sack.
13:20And then?
13:21Put the sack on my trolley.
13:22Yeah.
13:24Aye.
13:25Well, took them down and threw them in the inferno.
13:29You've done what?
13:31I mean, how am I to manage without phosphorus and magnesium?
13:35Oh, just...
13:36Get him in a bad mood.
13:41Oh, bloody hell!
13:50He's perfectly all right.
13:51He's just at the...
13:52The school is going to blow up.
13:54I'm out!
13:55I'm out for you!
14:27I don't want to stop what you are doing.
14:30Put it down to the stage.
14:32Just because Mr. Price has gone to pieces,
14:34there's no need for you to do the same.
14:35It's all right, Dorothy.
14:36If I pull myself together now, I know what I am doing.
14:38But what are you doing?
14:40I'm going down to the feathers to watch the explosion in comfort.
14:44Now, please.
14:45There's no cause for a laugh.
14:48Just follow the fire drill and file out into the yard quickly across.
14:52Fire on the field!
14:54Fire on the field!
14:56Fire on the field!
14:58Fire on the field!
15:01Fire on the field!
15:09It was his fault.
15:12It was in.
15:14It confused me with his combustible.
15:16This is no time for petted bickering.
15:18Join your class at the playground.
15:26Fire Brigade.
15:28We can't have that.
15:30The County Hall will know about it.
15:31We must keep it quiet.
15:32But how do you propose to keep an explosion quiet?
15:36Fire.
15:38Fire.
15:39Fire.
15:39I wish they'd all go away.
15:40That's a fire.
15:40Look out.
15:41I wish they'd all go away.
15:43They probably will at any minute.
15:45You should have let Lisa to handle this evacuation because I know how to deal with
15:49What about women under stress, Potter?
16:09Everybody's out.
16:21Well, bravo, Doris. Couldn't you give us a tune, are you, to keep our spirits up?
16:25Oh, what a good idea, Mr. Price. We used to do that in the trenches, you know.
16:28Two, three, four, oh, we'll all go together when we go...
16:33Be quiet, Potter. I thought you were in the feathers.
16:36Well, when I told them what was happening, they all came over here, you see, to have a better view.
16:40Sell them tickets, too, I suppose.
16:41Oh, damn, I never thought of that.
16:43Now, are we all here?
16:45Yes!
16:46I am! Aren't I? Yes!
16:47Oh, wait a minute.
16:49My headmaster seems to have scented himself.
16:51Oh, it's probably all the excitement, I think.
16:57The captain goes down with the ship, you know.
17:00Oh, good idea, headmaster, and take Potter, will you?
17:02Oh, I'll take no notice, sir. You go back if you want to.
17:05I'll stay here.
17:06I mean, after all, sir, somebody has to stay alive, you know.
17:08Oh, look, more rats from the sinking ship.
17:11Celia, she's still missing.
17:14We can't find Daisy neither.
17:17Oh, don't tell me there are still two pupils in there.
17:19It's not only two pupils, Miss Yule. It's Mr. Smith.
17:22I can't find him either.
17:27Well, that's no use to me now.
17:29Who in there right minds would flatten the matterhorn?
17:32Well, the council might.
17:34They thought they could put up some flats.
17:35No, no.
17:36Stand away from the incinerator girls.
17:38These things can be very dangerous.
17:40Help!
17:42I've got it, guys.
17:43I've got it.
17:44Let's all shout.
17:45Mr. Smith!
17:46Mr. Smith!
17:47Mr. Smith!
17:48Headmaster!
17:48They must be in my boiler room, sir.
17:51If they didn't hear 400 children stampeding down the corridor,
17:54they're not likely to hear you whinnying from the far end of the playground.
17:57It's all going to blow up.
17:59Someone should tell them.
18:00Oh, I expect they'll hear about it eventually.
18:05Oh, look, the Gangi's daughter.
18:07That's where they're going to take you one day, Celia.
18:10They're going to lay you out, cover you with sandalwood and set bar to you.
18:14Does the headmaster know about this?
18:16Yeah, it's Rachel, isn't it?
18:17Who?
18:18They've done it to the little old man with glasses and the Gangi jacket.
18:22That was Gangi.
18:23But they don't do it to everyone, do they?
18:25He was special.
18:26So are you, Celia.
18:28And you've got better legs than Gangi.
18:30Isn't she, sir?
18:32Well, I never saw Gangi in dates.
18:37Has it burned off yet?
18:39No, it's still there.
18:41They must be saved then.
18:42Are they?
18:43Oh, no, they're not.
18:45Who's going to go in?
18:46Who's going to go in?
18:49Just as I thought.
18:50This situation calls for a man.
18:52Well, off you go then, Doris.
18:56You've got a tin hat on.
18:57I'll bet it'll protect the top of the edges.
18:59He's having an explosion get you all over, doesn't he?
19:02But what's the fuss about, anyway?
19:04Old Smithy's an old man.
19:05He's on a rich and varied life.
19:07He'll only be too happy to go up with his old school.
19:10Oh, you callous Celt.
19:11Don't you realise that he's in there with two young girls?
19:15Oh, then he will go happy.
19:19Well, that's that.
19:20Let's take these outside.
19:22It's getting very hot in here.
19:24Oh, sir, what about your fossils?
19:27Yeah, we haven't found them yet.
19:28Don't bother.
19:29I've forgotten all about them.
19:31Oh, well, we'd better stay down here and have a look for them.
19:34Stupid, Mr Hurst.
19:36Oh, nobody's going to go in.
19:38It's all going to blow up.
19:41I'll go.
19:42What did you say, Mr Hurst?
19:44Er, nothing.
19:44He did.
19:45He said he'd go.
19:45Oh, yes.
19:46Oh, well, I suppose it's partly my fault they're in there in the car.
19:54I only wish I could come with you.
19:56Oh, in a manner of speaking.
19:57I mean, I have to stay behind and look after my...
19:59Good luck, Mr Hurst.
20:05There goes a brave man, you know.
20:08Pity he never came face to face with Rommel.
20:10Oh, I don't know.
20:11There's still a chance.
20:14What are fossils, anyway?
20:17Well, in roughly terms, they're like big rocks.
20:22Oh, why didn't you say?
20:24Mr Potter's got them.
20:26He's put them in his rockery.
20:27Oh, typical.
20:29And I kept you young girls down here in all this smoke and heat.
20:33Oh, I shouldn't worry about that, Mr Smith.
20:35It's quite nice here.
20:36All warm and safe.
20:38It's all right.
20:39Don't panic.
20:39It won't go up immediately, so very quick.
20:41We can all get out before it does.
20:42Chipper as much as you like.
20:43I am not speaking to you.
20:45The two masters will all explode.
20:47People do not explode.
20:48Incinerators do.
20:49That wasn't your original line of argument.
20:52I'm not here to debate with you, Mr Smith.
20:53Just to get you out before the whole school goes up.
20:55Here, I think he's serious.
20:57Oh, nonsense.
20:58Just another of his perverse pranks.
21:00We're not going to take any chances.
21:02Come on, senior.
21:03Hindus should meet their end on the Ganges, not in some grotty boiler room.
21:07For God's sake, Mr Smith, it is going to go up and you will go up with it unless you
21:11come with me.
21:12And I'll go up as well.
21:13Mr Hurst, go away.
21:16Sort out what you have to say and then come back and tell me.
21:19You won't be here when I get back.
21:21I'm not going anywhere.
21:22You'll be going everywhere.
21:24There you are, you see?
21:26Well, that was probably just a bottle exploding.
21:29Yes.
21:29Exactly.
21:30Now, are you coming with me?
21:31No.
21:32Right.
21:34Keep away.
21:35I was quite a useful flyweight in my day, you know.
21:40Mr Smith!
21:41Mr Hurst got him!
21:47What do you think you are?
21:49A section plunderer?
21:50Mr Smith!
21:52I'm so glad you're saved!
21:54What is all this?
21:55I think we've been saved!
21:56See?
21:57Master Hansel!
21:57There was nothing, nothing.
21:58Only what any reasonable man would have done, you know.
22:01Then why didn't you?
22:03Oh, well, I mean, I had my bucket and my master to look after.
22:05Listen!
22:06There's a fire engine!
22:08Yes!
22:09Yes!
22:09Yes!
22:10Yes!
22:10Yes!
22:11Yes!
22:11Yes!
22:11Yes!
22:12Yes!
22:22Yes!
22:26No!
22:34Yes!
22:35And Mary of course!
22:37Thanks!
22:38Yes!
22:41I see!
22:42They've trampled it right into the ground, though.
22:44Well, perhaps if we ask them nicely, they'd clean up after themselves.
22:47Yes, well, they'd better, because if not, you know, I'm going to have a word with them.
22:51Hey.
22:53Oh, carry on, son, if you're a grand job.
22:57Wrangles!
22:57They've got all soggy now, floating around in their boiler room like lost continents.
23:02You'll have to excuse them, sir.
23:04Old men are often troubled by water, you know.
23:07Oh, it's not a time for one.
23:10All right, all right, calm down, the excitement is over.
23:14Just consider yourself lucky that you have teachers who can deal with a crisis.
23:18All right, let's talk with you.
23:22Now, then, where were we? Let's get back to the experiment.
23:24Oh, yes, that's right, yes, I've got the acid and the phosphorus.
23:26Now, where's the magnesium and where are the matches?
23:28There you go.
23:30What are you doing?
23:31No!
23:45Mr. Price, speak to me!
23:48Hello, Mother.
23:51Thank you very much.
23:54Thank you, Mother.
23:59Thank you very much.
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