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  • 2 days ago
First broadcast 2nd October 1971.

The class decide to publish a new alternative revolutionary Fenn Street school magazine called The Fenntasy.

Deryck Guyler - Norman Potter
Noel Howlett - Mr. Cromwell
Joan Sanderson - Doris Ewell
Erik Chitty - Mr. Smith
Richard Davies - Mr. Price
Timothy Bateson - Dutton
Gregory Scott - Mr. Wyatt
Roderick Smith - Philip Larch
Martin Skinner - Freaky
David Spooner - Blond boy
Nicholas Hoye - Talbot
Babs Jessup - Ruthie
Tina Heath - Girl buying school magazine
Bruce Hodgkins - School pupil

Category

📺
TV
Transcript
00:22The Lone Ranger
00:32Oh, my God.
01:03Please, sir, can we ask you a question?
01:06Ah, yes, the inquiring mind, always happy to satisfy youth's thirst for knowledge.
01:12Ask away.
01:13Also, do you think the present education system is, um...
01:16Fulfilling.
01:17Fulfilling to its full potential, or do you think a more flexible and, uh...
01:22Democratic.
01:23Democratic system would better equip the pupils to face the responsibilities of their future life?
01:29Well done, boy. Well done, both of you.
01:32Just the sort of questions you should be asking.
01:34Keep it out. Probing. Ever probing.
01:39Remember, Horace.
01:41At qui inter sylvas, academi quare verum.
01:45Ooh.
01:48Can you see them?
01:49Ah, pouring out of that shot there.
01:52Stuffing themselves in monosodium glutamate and cocoa substitute.
01:55They won't die. They'll just solidify in great chemical lumps.
01:58It's not only sweets, though, Mr Price.
02:00Cigarette smoking's on the increase, too.
02:02And I'm positive Mr Dutton's corner shop is to blame.
02:05When I think of those healthy young lungs filling up with vile nicotine tar.
02:12How's your non-smoking campaign coming along, Price?
02:15Oh, it's marvellous, Smithy.
02:18It is the first ten minutes that are the worst.
02:20After about half an hour, well, you don't even think about it.
02:23Look, look, look, look, look, look, look, look.
02:26Oh, keeping your lunch fresh, are you, headmaster?
02:29No, no, it's for the school magazine.
02:31Do I understand it, master, that in order to boost the magazine's sales,
02:35you intend to give away a free goldfish with each copy?
02:38No, no, no, no, Smithy.
02:39But as my contribution to the school magazine this year,
02:42I'm going to show everybody how to build an aquarium.
02:45Oh, come, come, come.
02:47Where's your sense of enthusiasm?
02:49Paralysed by our sense of awe.
02:50Oh, no, no, Mr. Spade, I'm sure your contributions will be just as exciting in their own way.
02:55Yes, I'll do my usual piece on flower arrangement.
02:58Oh, splendid.
02:59And how about you, Smithy?
03:00Are you going to treat us to another fascinating travelogue from your wild youth?
03:04Oh, yes, headmaster, I thought this year I'd do by tandem through the trossics.
03:08The unexpurgated version, I hope.
03:11It'll be sheer poetry.
03:12You don't know what poetry is, Price.
03:14Not until you've written on a tandem behind Alice Bancroft.
03:18I seem to remember skirts were a lot tighter in those days.
03:22Yeah, you should have seen the way.
03:24I'm sure your saga would stimulate us all, Mr. Smith, but there are more pressing matters.
03:28Quite right.
03:29Abelard and Héloise.
03:30Who?
03:31Must be fed.
03:32Must be fed.
03:33I was referring, headmaster, to pupils with rotting teeth and lungs filling up with poison.
03:39Oh, stop it.
03:39Stop it, Doris.
03:40I had a fried breakfast.
03:41Well, there's more than half the children have.
03:43Their breakfast appears to consist of a packet of crisps and ten cigarettes, all bought at Dutton's Corner Shop.
03:49Alice's father kept a corner shop.
03:52I remember she could get valve rubbers very cheap.
03:55Headmaster, it must be stopped.
03:57Yeah, before the rot spreads to the furniture or your bloody goldfish.
04:00Yes, yes, yes.
04:01I must make a decision.
04:03A decision.
04:04Yes.
04:05Now, Price, I delegate you to go and talk to this, Mr. Buttons.
04:08Oh, and Price, you're going to pen your usual bardic epic, I hope.
04:12I'm an article with Roy Chris Davy.
04:15That's the spirit.
04:16Now, jot it down.
04:17Jot it down.
04:18Not a star.
04:19Yekida.
04:20Must fly.
04:21Must fly.
04:21I've got an aquarium to build.
04:23Goodbye, Barry Bucknell.
04:26Alice was very practical, too.
04:29You should have seen her working away with a piece of old renault tube with a spot of French chalk.
04:40God, it's shorting, ain't it?
04:42No wonder.
04:44It's wet through.
04:44Yeah, well, there's a reason for that.
04:46I can explain that.
04:46It's simple.
04:47What happened this time?
04:48Well, I was taking those photographs of Rita, like we said, and I saw old Pricey coming,
04:52and I couldn't let him see me, so I locked myself in the bog.
04:54But you didn't have to try and flush it away.
04:56Well, I panicked, didn't I?
04:58Photographers on this magazine aren't paid to panic.
05:00Well, I'm not paid.
05:01That's only because you panic.
05:02Well, some magazine anyway, haven't you got a title?
05:04Look, don't start blaming us.
05:05We're all in this together.
05:06Well, I've done my bit.
05:07I've given you loads of titles.
05:08One, the Fen Street Bugle.
05:10It's not hip enough, Larch.
05:12All right, all right.
05:13The Fen Street Sitar.
05:14Look, Larch, this is supposed to be an alternative to the boring old school magazine.
05:19The title's got to sound different, like an underground paper.
05:23Oh, like Black Dwarf.
05:24That's it.
05:24Got it!
05:25Pink Fairy!
05:26I'm not willing to risk that.
05:28The Evening Standard.
05:30Oh, God blimey.
05:31Well, it sounded nice and familiar.
05:32We'd sell them all.
05:33Yeah, we might even make enough to pay for the court case.
05:36Well, if you're just going to sit there and criticise, I'm going to take small photographs
05:38of Cromwell.
05:39You take them with that and you'll look like something out of 20,000 leagues under the sea.
05:44All the small ads dealt with.
05:46Yeah, all except this one.
05:49Viral third former seeks sexy second former for half-term freak-out in Brighton.
05:54Bring home finger symbols.
05:55It's a bit strong, innit?
05:57I don't know.
05:57We are supposed to be an alternative to Cromwell's set-up.
06:00Print it.
06:01Yeah, publish and be damned.
06:02Or expelled.
06:03Hey, man, that's real dynamite.
06:06Yeah?
06:06How to make Molotov cocktails in a silence, lad.
06:08What are Molotov cocktails?
06:10Oh, it's a bomb.
06:11I'm not sure with that revolutionary.
06:12Can't you turn me down a bit, freaky?
06:14Well, how about 17 non-violent ways to do such an English lesson?
06:17Look out, you lot.
06:18Potter's coming.
06:20Thank you, thank you.
06:24Ah, I might have known.
06:30You two malignorous again, eh?
06:32You're always in here, aren't you?
06:34Oh, what's the matter then?
06:35Frighten the fresh air.
06:37I will kill you.
06:37We were having a debate.
06:39Oh, yeah, about you in North Africa.
06:41Oh, really?
06:42Yeah, sir.
06:43Is it true that the only medal you ever got was swallowed by Monty's camel?
06:46Monty never had a camel, son.
06:49It's...
06:49Ah, you little dame, you.
06:51Don't you think that's funny, eh?
06:53Medal-swing camels.
06:58At the revolution!
07:00Oh, oh, oh, we're starting to move.
07:05Ruby!
07:06Ruby, dear!
07:19Come on, come on, the party's over.
07:21Come on, tear down a lot of you.
07:22Come on, come on.
07:23Oh, get out.
07:24Come on, put on.
07:25Here, here.
07:26Here, here.
07:27Look, what do you think you're doing?
07:29You've got no right to drive away my customers?
07:32I don't come over there and disrupt your class, now, do I?
07:35You don't have to.
07:36You can do it from here.
07:37I have to yell my lessons to be heard over the sound of corroding teeth.
07:40It's not my fault, is it?
07:41I'm just here to sell the stuff.
07:43It's your job to stop meeting it in class.
07:46Don't blame me if you can't control them.
07:48Don't give me that, boy.
07:49You're deliberately corrupting these kids.
07:51Look, you're selling them cigarettes and they're all underage.
07:53Well, if I didn't, somebody else would.
07:56But not everybody would make it easy for them.
07:57I mean, look at that.
07:58Breaking package down and selling them at a penny each.
08:00Turpence.
08:01Turpence, you bloody rogue.
08:02Hey, hey, hey.
08:03I've got a living to make here.
08:04I've got a living?
08:05I came over here to reason with you, but I can see it's useless.
08:08It's useless.
08:09Look, look, look, look.
08:10Let's not get excited.
08:12I'm sure we can come to some sort of a understanding.
08:16I see you're out of tobacco.
08:19You are?
08:20On the house, eh?
08:22Take that bloody stuff away from me.
08:24That may be what you call reasoning, but where I come from, that is called bravery.
08:27Well, why don't you go back to where you come from, then?
08:29Eh?
08:30You come over here in your hundreds?
08:32Trying to cheat us out around the country?
08:34Now, lock you up, boy.
08:35I'll get him out of here.
08:36Get off it.
08:37Go on.
08:37Get off it.
08:39I'll save her the belly.
08:41Right.
08:41From now on, this place is out of bounds to everybody from Fen Street.
08:44What are you doing here, Smitty?
08:46Just popped into my aniseed balls.
08:48I'm sorry, Smitty, but it's out of bounds.
08:51And the house!
08:52Here!
08:55Yes, very visual, Mr. Wyatt.
08:57And I'll just explain the flower arrangements in the captions.
09:00Right.
09:01I think that'll look rather good in the magazine.
09:04Doris.
09:05Doris.
09:05I've just had what Michelangelo had.
09:08Inspiration.
09:10Abelard and Eloise are going to have an illuminated aquarium.
09:14Sounds breathtaking.
09:15Yes, doesn't it?
09:16And a little bird tells me that you're thinking up something special, too.
09:19Yes, Headmaster.
09:20I'm going to do a strip with Mr. Wyatt.
09:26What's wrong with it?
09:28Come on.
09:29Well, nothing, Rufy.
09:30Nothing.
09:30It's a very imaginative story.
09:33Imaginative?
09:34That all comes from my true-life experiences.
09:38Even the beach party in Saint-Tropez.
09:41Poetic licence.
09:42Oh, look, Rufy, even Playboy wouldn't touch parts of this.
09:45You're just not interested in what really happens when two people meet.
09:50Meet?
09:50This lot don't meet.
09:51They collide.
09:52Anyway, the magazine's full up now.
09:54We're going to press tonight.
09:55Same old excuses.
10:00I'm going to finish me novel.
10:06Yeah, I've done it.
10:0917 non-violent ways to disrupt an English lesson.
10:13One, take your Molotov cocktail.
10:16That's non-violent.
10:18Anyway, we're full up now.
10:19All right, take me head out.
10:20Hey, you're not the one who's offering cup-price baro tattoos, are you?
10:23No, mine's box 21.
10:28So you're the one who wants a bird for a freak-out down in Brighton.
10:31Yeah, man.
10:32Yeah, but it's off now, innit?
10:33Mum says we're going to Frinton instead.
10:35All right, I'll take it out, then.
10:36I've just finished my expose on the corner shop.
10:39Yeah, and I've got the circulation organised.
10:41Weaver's fleet and the tech won't some.
10:42But they can get it run off tonight.
10:44Great, that means we're going to be out a good three weeks ahead of Cromwell's Wreck.
10:47Really good.
10:47And they're going to get the fright of their lives when they see this.
10:51What?
11:20Oh, excuse me.
11:22I'm looking for the headmaster.
11:23Oh, he's in the...
11:24Oh, no, I'm the headmaster.
11:26Gee.
11:28Good.
11:28Oh, my name's...
11:29My name's Gatton.
11:30Oh, yes, yes, yes, yes.
11:31Yes, your boy plays soccer for the school.
11:34I've got a boy.
11:35Oh, dear, don't tell me I've picked a girl for the soccer team.
11:38I'll have to arrange with Doris to alter the char arrangements.
11:42I've got a girl, either.
11:43Look, all I've got, mate, is a shop full of sweets that nobody's buying.
11:46Oh, dear, I am sorry to get that.
11:48Now, supposing you were to introduce a few special offers, you know, a whip and a top with every two
11:53ounces of licorice dragea.
11:55Look, mate, I haven't come here for business advice.
11:58I've come here on account of that whirling Welsh derby's of yours.
12:01Whirling?
12:02Oh, you mean Mr Price?
12:03Yes, yes, yes.
12:04The mist clears.
12:05I had delegated him, and I abide by his decision.
12:09What was his decision?
12:11He's put the shop out of bounds.
12:12Oh, dear, that seems rather extreme, but no doubt he had his reason.
12:15Reason?
12:16That foreign nit?
12:17He doesn't know the meaning of the word.
12:18Do you know he tried to hit me?
12:19No, no, I don't believe that.
12:20The price never hits anyone over 15.
12:23And you have been selling cigarettes to children, and that's very naughty.
12:26To our knickers.
12:27Oh.
12:27Yeah.
12:28Who's yelling obscenities in my corner?
12:30Oh, it's you, headmaster.
12:31It certainly is not me.
12:33It's this person.
12:34Oh.
12:35And who do you think you are, then, eh?
12:36Coming round here shouting knickers at my headmaster?
12:39No, go clean out your toilets.
12:40You're a pair of old women.
12:41Oh, didn't you hear that?
12:42Didn't you hear that?
12:43No, no, no, I'd stop listening, Norman.
12:45Oh, watch it, sonny boy.
12:46Watch it.
12:47Yeah, because I've not forgotten what I'd learned in North Africa, you know.
12:49Oh, no.
12:50Well, what was that, then?
12:51Belly dancing?
12:52Oh, he's obscening again, sonny.
12:54Oh, I might have known I was wasting my time.
12:56You're mad, the lot of you.
12:57Oh, that's right.
13:00When under fire, retreat.
13:02Typical, eh?
13:03Yes.
13:04Yes, I always thought Dutton had an Italian ring, huh?
13:07Norman, I do wish that Mr Price had kept me informed.
13:10I feel so estranged.
13:12Estranged, sir?
13:13Oh, no, no, not you, sir.
13:14I would say you're probably the most unstranged person I've ever met.
13:18Monty accepted, of course.
13:20Everything is bouleversé.
13:22You see, the staff aren't interested in the school magazine, buttons being belligerent.
13:26On top of that, I keep getting these terrible flashes.
13:28Ah, well, it's probably pressure of work, sir.
13:30I always know when I've been working too hard, sir, my shrapnel begins to move, sir, and I get the
13:34occasional mirage.
13:36No, no.
13:37The fact is, Norman, I've been spending too much time with Abelard and Eloise.
13:42Oh, oh, Norman.
13:44Oh.
13:44I've just remembered.
13:45What?
13:45What?
13:46Abelard and Eloise.
13:47I inadvertently electrocuted them.
13:50There they are, lying on the carpet.
13:52But they're just a couple of dead goldfish.
13:54Norman, Norman.
13:56You can be very callous at times.
14:00I tell you what.
14:01You will help me to see that they have a decent burial.
14:04You can rely on me, headmaster.
14:05I'll go and get my flags off, and we'll slip them into the canal with full military honours.
14:13What exactly is this, anyway?
14:15I don't know.
14:16But whatever it is, it was attracting far more attention than my lesson.
14:19Could be anything, then.
14:21It's called The Fantasy, and it claims to be Fenstreet's free press.
14:27It doesn't look very free to me.
14:29It says they're charging 10p for it.
14:32That's too bold.
14:34Fenstreet's first democratic magazine.
14:36A pupil's eye view.
14:38But judging by that bloody awful cover, the whole school needs bifocals.
14:41I think you're being far too hasty, Mr Price.
14:44After all, they may have come up with something.
14:46Oh, what was that?
14:48Now, look at that, Smitty.
14:50There's something to such a harp twanging.
14:51Look at that, Smitty.
14:53Playmate of the term.
14:54Oh, I see, Price.
14:56Mmm.
14:58You know, she looks rather familiar.
15:00But so she should.
15:01It's read a car out of your form.
15:03Oh, so it is.
15:04I didn't recognise her without her glasses.
15:08Oh, yes.
15:09Yes, she did right to confiscate this, Doris.
15:11I think we should investigate further.
15:13There may be something even more offensive.
15:15Oh, no, not one of Ruby.
15:16Oh.
15:17I see they're up to date.
15:18There's a story on the corner shop.
15:21Aniseed Freak Smithy breaks corner shop embargo.
15:24I threw you out of there once.
15:26You haven't been sneaking back, have you?
15:27Oh, certainly not.
15:29Good news, good news, good news.
15:31Out of tragedy, hope is born.
15:33Remember the phoenix, Doris.
15:34Remember the phoenix.
15:35You've not taken to selling insurance, headmaster.
15:37Oh, certainly not, certainly not.
15:39Now, I'm referring to my new project for the school magazine.
15:41It is to be an essay entitled Headmaster at the Helm.
15:45Well, you want to check your bearings, then?
15:46We've already got a magazine.
15:48Oh, I say, Price.
15:49Full marks for a jolly prank.
15:52Oh, no.
15:54No.
15:54Oh, Doris, tell me, it's not real.
15:56Oh, very well.
15:57It's not real, headmaster.
15:59No, you're just saying that to make me feel better.
16:01But who could produce this publication?
16:03Not one of our children.
16:05They're just young innocents.
16:06Young innocents?
16:07They've already explored Smithy here.
16:08Now, everybody knows about his Aniseed addiction.
16:10I resent that, Price.
16:12Oh, dear, oh, dear, oh, dear.
16:14What shall we do?
16:15I know.
16:16Fetch Hedges.
16:16He's left, headmaster.
16:18Oh, dear, how inconsiderate.
16:20Oh, dear.
16:20I'm sure I'm going to get one of these terrible flashes again.
16:24Do you mean like a flash gun going off in your face?
16:27Oh, yes, Doris, dear.
16:28You get them, too.
16:29Oh, I thought it was just me.
16:31It is just you, headmaster.
16:33Look.
16:34Pictures of a headmaster at work.
16:37You standing open-mouthed by the school gates.
16:40You standing perplexed in front of the notice board.
16:43You taking your goldfish for a walk.
16:45Oh, Doris, you've brought it all back to me.
16:47I can see them now lying on the carpet,
16:49flapping helplessly and whimpering.
16:51This is no time for misplaced emotion, Morris.
16:54We've got to discover how far this has gone.
16:56Burn it.
16:56Burn it, Smithy.
16:57But what about the rest?
16:58The rest?
16:59You mean to say there's more than one?
17:00Oh, they say at the back here
17:02that despite repression by the staff,
17:04it is hoped this magazine will not only serve Fenstreet,
17:07but open up communications with other schools.
17:10This is being sold throughout the district.
17:12And telling everyone we are repressive.
17:14It must be stopped.
17:16Well, come on.
17:17Oh, come on.
17:19Yes, yes, yes.
17:46Oh, thank you.
17:57You little...
18:00Get them out of here and cut them!
18:02Get them out of here!
18:04Get them out of here!
18:37Oh, my God.
19:12I've rounded up the ringleaders. They're lined up outside waiting to be shot.
19:15Shall we do it in the corridor or out in the playground?
19:17Mr. Trance.
19:18Aye.
19:18Abstinence from tobacco seems to have inflamed your violent street. Just send them in.
19:22Right. Come on. In here, you lot.
19:24Well, come on. Come on. Jump to it.
19:26Come on. Come on.
19:28Oh, come on.
19:30Right in a bunch of Rupert Murdoch, sonny.
19:32Well, I knew it was the work of hippies. Look now, he's got an Alice band.
19:37Take that ridiculous thing off, child.
19:39But it means love and peace, miss.
19:40Take it off or I'll hammer you.
19:43Now, who is responsible for this?
19:46Well, everybody is.
19:47You see, they're afraid to speak. It's obviously the work of communist infiltrators.
19:52None of our children would take photographs like this.
19:54Well?
19:56It was me, miss.
19:57Ah, you see, not one of our boys.
19:59Larch 4C, headmaster.
20:01Oh.
20:02Oh.
20:03Well, Lurch, why?
20:04Why?
20:04What's wrong with my magazine?
20:06Doesn't relate.
20:07And it's all done by you, sir?
20:09Now, come on, lads.
20:10We don't mind a little bit of criticism as long as it's constructive.
20:14Well, that poem of yours, sir?
20:16Aye.
20:17Well, it's in Welsh, sir.
20:18Oh, of course.
20:18Everyone says it's daft, sir.
20:20Bloody moron!
20:21All right, well, enough. I'm going on a small.
20:23It's the same with the pieces by Mr Smith, sir.
20:26We don't all want to know about Tams and Holidays and the Gorbals.
20:29Trossacks!
20:31Tams may seem really old-fashioned to you, young man, but...
20:34I'd have you know I was the easy writer of my day.
20:39How do you propose to finance it?
20:41Under careful management, my magazine loses £25 a year.
20:45Heaven knows what some will be involved here.
20:48£10, sir.
20:49Profit.
20:50Profit?
20:51Profit?
20:52Oh, no, no, no, no, no.
20:53You needn't think that my resolve is going to be weakened
20:56by the mere thought of monetary gain, young Birch?
20:59Larch.
20:59At all, but, sir...
21:00Oh, no, no, no, no, no. Stop trying to confuse me.
21:03Headmaster, the fact that their magazine makes a profit
21:06does suggest that it's popular.
21:09However, if you're as democratic as you claim,
21:11you'd have shown both sides of the collar shop issue.
21:14Yes, and you're out of date.
21:16Mr Dutton has stopped selling cigarettes to schoolchildren.
21:19So, I've put the shop back in bounds.
21:22So have I.
21:24And another thing.
21:26Some of these adverts.
21:27Virile third former requires sexy second former.
21:30Yeah, I thought you said to take that out.
21:32But, sir, you can sort that out between yourselves.
21:35You'd better go now.
21:36The headmaster will inform you of his decision.
21:38Wait, sir.
21:38No, I've got it.
21:39Wait, sir.
21:40That was stupid.
21:41Come on, get up.
21:42Get up.
21:42Just stop showing it.
21:43Get out of it.
21:44Get up.
21:44Ah, headmaster, there you are.
21:46I've just found something rather obnoxious in my ablutions.
21:49Oh, dear.
21:52I'll try and break it to you as gently as I can, sir.
21:55Look.
21:57Late again, Potter.
21:58The headmaster already knows about it.
22:00Eh?
22:01Oh, yes.
22:02Well, I knew my headmaster would be one step ahead.
22:05Back in control, the gunslinger.
22:07Yes, thank you, Norman.
22:09What are we going to do, Doris?
22:10Well, as I see it, headmaster, this magazine represents a lot of hard work and initiative on the part of
22:17the pupils.
22:18I think it should be a large continue, but under staff supervision.
22:22I agree.
22:23And working on the layout and design will make an excellent project for my art lessons.
22:27Oh, that's a jolly good idea.
22:30Madge wouldn't have liked my story anyway.
22:33She doesn't approve of premarital tandem holidays.
22:37Oh, I don't bloody care anymore.
22:41Well, perhaps I have been rather extreme, but I've always been progressive, and I pride myself on being alert to
22:47the feelings of my staff.
22:49Spoken like a general, sir.
22:51And if I back this school magazine, it will be the best school magazine ever.
22:56Here, here, sir.
22:57And here, here, again, sir.
22:59Now, sir, if there's anything you want, don't fail to come to me, sir.
23:01As a matter of fact, Norman, there is something I would like you to contribute.
23:04Ah, now, sir, you will be referring to my memoir, sir.
23:07From El Alamein to Fenstreet, sir.
23:10Oh, you're going to rely on me, headmaster, to boost the circulation, you know.
23:12That's just what I want you to do, Norman.
23:14Boost the circulation.
23:15Ah, well, you're a very astute, headmaster, dear.
23:17You've always known how to exploit my utilities.
23:20Come along.
23:21Come along.
23:22Yes, sir.
23:22Yes, sir.
23:25Wait!
23:25Wait!
23:26Wait!
23:30Wait!
23:31Wait!
23:31Wait!
23:31Wait!
23:33Wait!
23:36Good work, Norman.
23:36All pulled together.
23:38Here you go, sir.
23:41Get your copy here.
23:43All the Finstreet cubes.
23:45Get your copy here.
23:46Get your copy here.
23:47Bring it on, sir.
23:48Get your copy here.
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