- 2 days ago
First broadcast 15th January 1972.
Fenn Street School football team wins its semi-final tie of the district cup and makes history by reaching the final for the first time.
Deryck Guyler - Norman Potter
Noel Howlett - Mr. Cromwell
Joan Sanderson - Doris Ewell
Richard Davies - Mr. Price
Erik Chitty - Mr. Smith
Vivienne Martin - Miss Petting
Bernard Holley - Mr. Hurst
Barry McCarthy - Terry Stringer
Charles Bolton - Godber
Billy Hamon - Des
Drina Pavlovic - Celia
Rosemary Faith - Daisy
Fenn Street School football team wins its semi-final tie of the district cup and makes history by reaching the final for the first time.
Deryck Guyler - Norman Potter
Noel Howlett - Mr. Cromwell
Joan Sanderson - Doris Ewell
Richard Davies - Mr. Price
Erik Chitty - Mr. Smith
Vivienne Martin - Miss Petting
Bernard Holley - Mr. Hurst
Barry McCarthy - Terry Stringer
Charles Bolton - Godber
Billy Hamon - Des
Drina Pavlovic - Celia
Rosemary Faith - Daisy
Category
📺
TVTranscript
00:25The Lone Ranger
00:38All right, go on.
00:39Good morning.
00:57Go on, then.
00:58Go on.
00:58Pull you a bit of string.
01:00I've seen this old chestnut before, you know.
01:02What?
01:03Go on.
01:04That's it.
01:05Go on.
01:06Pull you a bit of string, Clumberdy.
01:07Get your pound and old back.
01:09I know you're around the corner.
01:10You can't...
01:15Oh, God.
01:18Oh, Roger.
01:20Any news from the front?
01:22The front?
01:23Whose front?
01:24The playing fields.
01:25You know, it's the semi-final of the District Cup this afternoon.
01:28District Cup.
01:30You couldn't get a decent-sized budgie's egg in that thing.
01:33Maybe not.
01:34But the point is that Frenchfords never won.
01:36The furthest we've ever got before was a buy into the second round.
01:40They won't get any further today, and I'll tell you for why in one word.
01:43Norman Esketh Potter.
01:45That's three words.
01:46Not if they're siphonated.
01:48No.
01:49You see, my point is that they can't win because they have ignored my coaching.
01:53Oh, I didn't know you were in a fifth year and a half of a football.
01:56I'm not.
01:57But I know all about it, you know.
01:58What?
01:59Watch this.
01:59Keep it around here.
02:00Look at that.
02:00See?
02:00Watch this.
02:01See what I mean?
02:01Ha-ha.
02:02Yeah.
02:02Do you know what that is?
02:04So, right as it's done?
02:05Oh.
02:06That is the Albert Cobbthorn bodysman.
02:09Who the devil is Albert Cobbthorn?
02:11Albert Cobbthorn?
02:13He played full-back for Tooting and Mitcham Reserves before the war.
02:17Oh.
02:18And lived next door to my auntie Ethel.
02:20Oh.
02:21Right back.
02:23I shall ignore you making fun of an old lady who had wind round her heart.
02:28But I'll tell you this.
02:29Albert Cobbthorn taught me things to make your air curl,
02:31and if I've been allowed to pass them on to our school team,
02:33we might have got into the semi-final.
02:36We're in the semi-final.
02:38Er, win.
02:39Win it.
02:39Win the semi-final, I say.
02:41Yes.
02:41And that's about as likely as you becoming Mr. Universe.
02:50Win by all, we slaughter them.
02:53Oh, it is great to go.
02:55Yay!
02:56Yay!
02:57What have you got to say now, hmm?
02:59Oh, great lads, all of them, yes.
03:01I knew my coaching would pay off, you know.
03:03Oh, I knew it.
03:09Five-o, Gloria.
03:10We are in the final.
03:11Oh, how lovely.
03:12Hi-bra-hi-bra-hi-bra.
03:14I've at last discovered where our kids keep their brains in their feet.
03:17I'm so glad.
03:18I'd have hated all this to go to waste.
03:20This going to have a bit, you're going to me.
03:22What's this?
03:23A scarf.
03:24Who for?
03:24A giraffe?
03:25No.
03:26The staff to wear at the final.
03:28Good idea.
03:29Stop us getting separated in a crowd.
03:31No, silly.
03:32I'm going to cut it up.
03:34Oh, funk, haven't I?
03:35I'd hate to be chained to Miss Ewell for 90 minutes.
03:38What about that boy Ridley, eh?
03:40Martin Shivers couldn't have taken that second goal better.
03:42No, he couldn't.
03:43Of course, Wynn Davis might have mind.
03:46Oh, John Tushack.
03:47Oh, aye.
03:47Ron Davis.
03:48Oh, yes.
03:49Harry Seacombe.
03:50Oh, definitely.
03:52Eh?
03:53Oh, very funny.
03:56You know, I never had a chance to shine at football when I was a kid.
04:00Well, it must be difficult to see the ball down a mine.
04:05There wasn't a lot of money about, you see.
04:08And my poor old da, he can hardly afford to buy me proper football boots.
04:14I never got a football either.
04:16No one did.
04:18We used a bundle of rags tied up with string.
04:21A lot of great footballers started that way, Wynn.
04:23Oh, I know.
04:25I know.
04:26But there was something else, you see, that always held me back.
04:29Something.
04:30Oh, I don't like to talk about it, really.
04:33You can tell us, Wynn.
04:36Well, I was never any bloody good.
04:40But there is something I was good at, though.
04:42Hey, hey, hey.
04:43Look, look, look.
04:44I confiscated this.
04:46Oh, blow football.
04:47Can I play?
04:48Oh, please, let me play.
04:50No, no, it's a man's game.
04:52Oh, please.
04:53I'm never such a good papa.
04:55Oh, all right.
04:55Then it's you and me against him.
04:57Oh, well, I'm going to have two blowers there.
04:58Hang on.
05:00Go.
05:00Go!
05:01Go!
05:02Go!
05:02That wasn't ready.
05:03Start again.
05:04Here we go.
05:05There we go.
05:05Hang on, hang on, hang on.
05:07No, no, no.
05:08Hang on.
05:09Look.
05:10Go!
05:11The reading room at the British Museum, I see.
05:14Come on.
05:14Pay no attention to her.
05:16It's your kick-off.
05:16It's my kick-off.
05:17Hang on.
05:18Hang on.
05:18Let it go.
05:19Go, go, go, blow.
05:19Oh, oh.
05:21Full time.
05:22Oh, I'm sorry, Doris.
05:23It's cut fever, you see.
05:25Did you know that we...
05:26Yes, we won the semi-final.
05:275-0 and Ridley got a hat-trick.
05:29I see.
05:30Did you know we won 5-0 and Ridley got a hat-trick?
05:33Yes.
05:34Oh.
05:35Oh, look.
05:36Blow football.
05:37I see, Chet.
05:37Come on.
05:38Let's pick up sides.
05:39Oh, goody.
05:40You play some of these.
05:41Oh, this is.
05:42She's a wet blanket.
05:43I'm more like a soggy mattress.
05:45Miss Petting.
05:46What are you concealing?
05:47There we go.
05:48Very small.
05:48Nothing.
05:48Fine.
05:49Get that.
05:50And what is this?
05:51Oh, I'm reading all this.
05:52Come on a minute.
05:53It's a long piece of nothing, isn't it?
05:55Oh, it's going to be scarves for us to wear at the final.
05:57Get the old school spirit going.
06:00It's in the bit of the old razzmatazz, you know.
06:01No, I do not know the old razzmatazz, Mr. Hurst.
06:04I will check with Mr. Sibley on that.
06:06One of these days, Mr. Price.
06:07Oh, come, Monsieur.
06:09One crowded hour of glorious sport is worth an age without a name,
06:13especially as FN Street have never won anything.
06:16I do wish this fanaticism could be channeled into other school activities.
06:20The school orchestra, for instance.
06:22But I am.
06:23I am augmenting on the piano.
06:25Then augment, Miss Petty.
06:42Now then, any other volunteers?
06:46Oh, I'm sorry, Miss Yule. I haven't touched my oboe for years.
06:52Mr Hurst?
06:55Mr Price, shall I keep a welcome in the hillside for you in room three?
07:00Oh, I'm sorry, Doris. I'm having my harp restrung.
07:03Rehearsing now, are you?
07:05Yes.
07:05Right.
07:18Hey, what are you doing in the orchestra, Terry? I thought you didn't like music.
07:21Oh, I don't think it's better doing maths, isn't it?
07:23Yeah. Hey, Dish, what's your blue Danube?
07:26Something to do with you, darling, will it?
07:28No, it ain't. There's a river in Holland. What we're supposed to be going to play?
07:33We ain't. We're playing Joanne Strauss.
07:36Oh, he's a bleeding composer, isn't he?
07:39Hey, Dish got three goals today.
07:41Hey!
07:42Hey!
07:43Bring me a sit, I'll say.
07:44Oh, I have enough of that when me uncle Baird comes round.
07:48Anyway, I'm not still on the bus with that box, isn't he?
07:50I thought you'd charge your hair for it.
07:53All rise, Mr Mountain Sergeant.
07:57Now, come on, old Norman, come along. Come and join the band of folk.
08:01Hey, come on, Doctor.
08:03Now what?
08:04Where shall I stick myself?
08:05How about that?
08:09Percussion, Norman, move your instrument through to the rear.
08:12Very good, sir.
08:13Hello, watch it, sir.
08:14I saw that.
08:16You hear that again, son.
08:19All right, laughing, all right.
08:22Mr. Potter, will you please give us the A?
08:25Ah, the A's on.
08:26Now, just one moment, sir.
08:27Oh, my drum's having a bit of trouble for that, sir.
08:30Oh, Al, sir.
08:31No, the A's on.
08:33Oh, no, no, no, no, I meant on the piano.
08:36Well, are you sure, Ed Master?
08:37I've been chalking on government property.
08:40Isn't he funny, children?
08:43Very well, then.
08:44I will give you the A.
08:52Cut!
08:54Cut!
08:56Miss Pettings?
08:57To your keyboard.
08:59An A, if you please.
09:01I've already done that, Mr Yule.
09:03An A, Miss Petting.
09:13Oh, Gloria, we're in harmony.
09:15Thank you, Headmaster.
09:16I think you can retire to your study now.
09:19Oh, no, no, no, I've got a lovely surprise for you.
09:21I am going to become an integral part of your orchestra.
09:24Oh, thank you.
09:26What are you going to play?
09:27This!
09:28Oh!
09:29Quiet, quiet now!
09:32What are you doing here, Potter?
09:34I am concussion, Michelle.
09:36Very probably.
09:39Now, remember what you've all learnt.
09:41and remember also
09:43that the Blue Danube is a very
09:45beautiful river. Let us try
09:47not to pollute it and
09:55Miss Petting
09:56I'm sorry
09:58I'm sorry
10:01I'm sorry
10:02I'm sorry
10:02Very well
10:08What do you think you're doing?
10:10Three taps, three bangs
10:12Wallstime, I'm not daft, you know
10:14And I'm not waving this about
10:16to keep the air circulating
10:17I shall point to you when I want you to come in
10:20What about me?
10:21And you
10:22And you!
10:24Now, all together
10:25on my downbeat
11:05That's the most totally forgettable piece of music I've ever heard
11:08Military martyrs
11:10That's what we want, Miss Hall
11:12Military martyrs
11:13We do not
11:14We want a percussion section that blends in
11:17not dominates
11:18Miss Petting
11:19Yes
11:19I shall continue with the orchestra
11:21I should like you to rehearse with our two new members
11:24somewhere else
11:25Where, Monsieur?
11:26Anywhere
11:27Away from here
11:28I feel like a naughty boy who's been sent out of the room
11:33Don't you worry, sir
11:34It's just they're not up to our standards, you see, sir
11:36That's the trouble
11:37Excuse me, Miss
11:37Now then
11:39Once again
11:40From the beginning
11:41With a little more
11:42of the Vienna in it
11:43And a little less
11:45of the Hanoi
11:58Ridley, this is the one and only occasion
12:00that I'm asking for wind from you
12:02So let me have it
12:06That was both cheap and obvious, Ridley
12:09And remember
12:10If you don't put that instrument of torture away
12:12You'll be punished
12:13All right, sister
12:15I only try to put a bit of soul into me, aren't I?
12:18I shan't tell you again
12:20That stupid old boiler
12:21Right
12:22That's it
12:23You've had fair warning, Ridley
12:25Your next games afternoon is cancelled
12:28One for you
12:34One for you
12:37Oh, I see
12:41Gloria's only playing, Morris
12:42Sorry, headmaster
12:44Yours is a rather special one
12:47What is that?
12:48Your name and address
12:49in case you get lost?
12:50Oh, impish for
12:51No, no
12:52This is the name
12:53of all the members of the team
12:55The headmaster gave me a list
12:57I sat up all night
12:58The S's were the hardest
12:59There's only one thing wrong
13:00And what's that?
13:01That's the school cricket team
13:02What?
13:03Oh, yes, sir
13:04I'm sorry, Gloria
13:05I gave you the wrong list
13:06A hot water bottle stuffed up the jersey
13:10is always a good idea
13:11A good idea for what, Smithy?
13:12Watching a football, man
13:14It'll be quite cold, you know
13:15I prefer a flask stuck down the back of my trousers
13:18Temperance, temperance, Price, temperance
13:19I'm sure Mr Price meant tea in his flask
13:22Did you not, Mr Price?
13:23Oh, of course, John
13:26I'm so sorry, Pricey
13:27Oh, think nothing of it, Morris
13:29Very well then
13:30Now, a half holiday
13:33Transport free
13:34Laid on and a hundred people
13:36Going to shout on our lads to victory next Friday
13:38Well, I hope I can get it finished in time
13:41Well, you'll always try a brisk rubdown with camphorated oil
13:46Come
13:46Ah, here you all are
13:49Isn't it strange how I expect to find teachers in classrooms?
13:53An important meeting, monsieur
13:54I'm closing down the school
13:55What?
13:56District Cup final
13:58Football again?
14:00Oh, come on, Doris
14:01I mean, you were a good player when you were little
14:02Have you forgotten the excitement?
14:05Lacrosse was my game, Mr Price
14:06But currently, I'm more interested in good manners
14:09Both yours and Ridley's
14:11Insolent boy
14:12I've cancelled his next game's afternoon
14:14You can't do that!
14:16Can't?
14:16No, he's in the final
14:17We need Ridley
14:18Yes, he's the spearhead of our attack
14:20Oh, I didn't realise the final was on Friday
14:22Oh, well, now that you do
14:23You can just cancel the punishment, can't you?
14:25I'm afraid I can't
14:26But you must
14:27Must?
14:29I will not
14:31Very well
14:34I shall now punish you, monsieur
14:38Mr Hurst
14:39Be kind enough to open the window
14:41Oh, blimey, he's going to throw her out of the window
14:45I shall withdraw my talent from your orchestra
14:50There
14:54Blimey, kids!
14:55Oh, I'm so sorry, Norman
14:56Oh, dear
14:58Thank you, Jasmine
15:00Thank you
15:02Thank you
15:07Thank you
15:30that's it come on lads come on now get yourself sat now now that is my practical demonstration
15:34now then we come to the theory now remember this number four because this is the tactic
15:39that's going to make our opponents look silly this afternoon i couldn't look no sillier than
15:45you see now after you've jumped over the back's head here no wait a minute well it's somewhere
15:51there anyway now tell you what you do see what you do now you do it left you see but
15:55you pass
15:56right now that'll put a ball out of play of course it will let me finish my sentence will you
16:01now
16:01although it looks as though the ball's going out of play doesn't you see and you know for why why
16:06i'll tell you for why sonny boy because our goalie makes a dash a sixty-four duck yard up the
16:13right
16:13wings now the center he crosses the center forward kicks it back it go all right there sweeper cuts
16:20it out long ball down our middle and wallop we're a goal down son our goalie yes yes well yes
16:30well
16:31we'll scrub around that now the trouble is you're getting confused aren't you see and you know why
16:35because you don't know what you're talking about oh oh bobby charlton oh well then why are you
16:44all sitting here lapping up my every syllable because it's flaming cold and we don't want to
16:47have to break yeah now listen now this other idea consists of a tin sheet you see with magnetized
16:58players you see now hey now what i'm going to do is show you how this works now remember this
17:04plan
17:04lads because this is the plan that made mincemeat out of the uh catering corps at all the shops
17:13now there is their left back
17:21all right all right i'll hold it on there now there is their left back now here is their right
17:28back now i'm going to show you how our forward center forward rushes up the field between them you see
17:34now it's all right son hey give me a hand will you send a forward i want the center forward
17:38put
17:38him on there sir put him on so that's it lovely now our left wing here oh no no son
17:43over here
17:44what over here that's right well that's the right wing innit that's what i said isn't it right now
17:48it's actually unknown to the opposition two of our lads
17:53gibbons gibbons gibbons here it's on there pick up two of our lads now
17:56oh god now now you said no you wouldn't let him clown come on two of the lads from down
18:02here you silly fella
18:03now put them on the board put them on the board no not up there now down here down here
18:08by my nose
18:08come on by my nose by my nose glass down there that's it son what's this supposed to be the
18:14wailing wall in
18:14jerusalem i'm trying to make up for the loss of ridley me show half half half half half bugs
18:32shall i embroider brackets round ridley's name shall he's not actually playing i
18:37should put a black border around the whole thing we're going to lose without him
18:40That's not the spirit that defeated the Armada.
18:42I know, but Sir Francis Drake wasn't in detention at the time, was he?
18:46Ah, any tea in the pot?
18:51Oh, good, digestive biscuits, they are my fae...
18:56Don't you think this is all rather silly?
18:58We haven't sabotaged a school team, have we?
19:01No.
19:02I'm not sabotaging anybody, Mr Price. I'm punishing a boy.
19:05He is not a boy, he's a centre-forward.
19:07Couldn't you just make him sit in the waste-paper basket or something?
19:10No, I could not.
19:11Well, at least postpone the punishment.
19:13Old boiler!
19:15If he were anything else but the school centre-forward,
19:18you'd condone my punishing him.
19:20As it is, I'm the villainess.
19:22I can see the logic of Miss Yule's defence.
19:25Oh, thank you, Mr Smith.
19:27Well, surely it's a tenet of our profession that a punishment once given must stand.
19:31Exactly, Mr Smith.
19:33Please let him play, Miss Yule.
19:37Ah, this is it, isn't it?
19:40Eh?
19:41Ah-ha, it's Waterloo now, isn't it?
19:43Eh, Waterloo.
19:45Potter, are you training to be a station announcer?
19:49Or are you trying to tell me something?
19:50The headmaster, we'd like to see you, Miss Yule, immediately.
19:54Oh, very well.
19:55As soon as I've finished my tea.
20:00Hey, that was my tea-boy-off.
20:06Now, listen, Godwin, it's your job of centre-after.
20:08Get that centre-after every time I come astride.
20:10If you're out of here, don't you?
20:11No, it's very cold.
20:12Use as quick as you can.
20:13On you go.
20:14On you go.
20:14That's right.
20:15Pick it up.
20:15Thank you, Mr Smith.
20:16Ah, and they're the best team wins.
20:18It's going to be them, innit, without theirs.
20:20Oh, nil desperandum teapot.
20:23Here, why does he keep calling you teapot?
20:25He's croppers.
20:26Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, two mental slaps for both of you.
20:29Well, is Ridley going to play or not?
20:31Oh, I was pretty ruthless, Miss Yule.
20:33Yes, I told her everything.
20:35Oh, golly.
20:36Yes, but is he playing?
20:38Eh, eh, eh, no.
20:40Just a moment, Ed Master.
20:41Tell them, how you got back another?
20:43Oh, yes, yes.
20:43I withdrew his drum from her orchestra.
20:46Oh, big deal.
20:47Yes, and I asked her whether she could face herself
20:50in a shaving mirror tomorrow morning.
20:52I said that.
20:53Oh, come on, John, boy.
20:54We're not safe with two savages like these two around, are we?
20:56Ah, oh.
21:00And I'm not playing in the orchestra, either.
21:02Good.
21:03You're tone deaf.
21:04No, no, no.
21:05Miss Yule, you didn't let the headmaster browbeat you, did you?
21:09What do you think, Mr Smith?
21:10I'm glad.
21:12Really?
21:12Yes, I hate to see a position deserted, under pressure.
21:16Then you do think I'm right?
21:18No.
21:18Oh.
21:19Well, come along, husband.
21:22The game's afoot.
21:24Call the coach, you chaps.
21:26My hot water bottle's leaking.
21:37There will be other games, Ridley.
21:39Oh, no.
21:41I suppose you think I'm an ogre, don't you?
21:44No more than any other teacher.
21:46You were very rude.
21:48So you said.
21:49I couldn't change my mind just because it was unpopular.
21:52Look, it's a fair cop, right?
21:54I ain't complaining.
21:56But it's the cup final day.
21:58I know, but you stopped my games.
22:00Wouldn't make no difference whether it's a cup final day or a kick around on the common.
22:04A punishment is a punishment.
22:07You think that?
22:09Yeah, well, it's what you teachers have to do, innit?
22:14Five hundred lives, Ridley.
22:16Stare me.
22:17What have I done now?
22:18Vindicated me.
22:19Oh, I never touched you.
22:21Go on.
22:22Get your football kit.
22:23Still time to make the kick-off.
22:25You were a funny old boiler, weren't you?
22:29And stop calling me an old boiler.
22:32Another lump, please, Gloria.
22:34Oh, sorry.
22:37Come on, this is way.
22:38Wow.
22:39Come on, get it.
22:40Come on.
22:41Where are your football knickers?
22:42Under here.
22:43I'm getting slow, innit?
22:45If you play like him, boy, I'll let you blow me up at the next science period.
22:48Right, lads, kick in, get warmed up.
22:50Don't forget what I told you, lads.
22:51Oh, Jeremy, we want to wane that way.
22:53I must say, Mr. Hurst, I have any admiration for the way you've coached our boys to fruition.
22:57Thank you, sir.
22:58And if, whatever the result, I can assure you that your position as sportsmaster is permanent.
23:04Unless, of course, we lose.
23:06Good heavens.
23:08It's Ridley.
23:09Ridley, what is he?
23:10I'll be too late.
23:11No, no, quit.
23:11Ridley, get out there and pulverize them.
23:13Yes, ma'am.
23:13Oh, thanks, monsieur.
23:14I'm a bad.
23:15Come on, Ridley.
23:16Oh, Doris, I could kiss you.
23:18I could.
23:19I could.
23:19I could.
23:21I'm glad, Doris, that you've come to heal.
23:23I'm not a cock as bad, you.
23:26Scared you into changing your mind, didn't we?
23:28Oh, think what you like, Potter.
23:30I don't think, girly, I know.
23:33You see this handbag?
23:39You can wear my gloves if you like, headmaster.
23:42Oh, no, no, no.
23:42Let's have one each.
23:46Are you watching the match, monsieur?
23:48I'm in need of a little refreshment, partly.
23:51Oh, the drive down here was, well, headlong.
23:56Embarrassing.
23:57Ridley was changing into his football things in the back seat.
24:00I think a policeman took my number.
24:03Well, why did you change your mind?
24:06Because the only person who thought I acted fairly was Ridley himself.
24:11God, heavens.
24:12Oh, what's that?
24:14I just hope it hasn't all been in vain.
24:17I'm sure the boy will repay you by cracking in a hat trick.
24:22Bloody referee!
24:24Ridley!
24:24What happened, boy?
24:26I got blazing off, didn't I?
24:28Oh, no.
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