- 16 hours ago
First broadcast 4th October 1969.
Bernard's efforts to stimulate interest in the Parent-Teacher Association ends in chaos when Panalal, a young Indian boy, joins 5C.
John Alderton - Bernard Hedges
Deryck Guyler - Norman Potter
Noel Howlett - Mr. Cromwell
Joan Sanderson - Doris Ewell
Richard Davies - Mr. Price
Erik Chitty - Mr. Smith
David Barry - Frankie Abbott
Peter Cleall - Eric Duffy
Peter Denyer - Dennis Dunstable
Liz Gebhardt - Maureen Bullock
Malcolm McFee - Peter Craven
Penny Spencer - Sharon Eversleigh
Barbara Mitchell - Mrs. Abbott
George Georghiou - Panalal
Olive Mercer - Mrs. Quimby
Claire Shenstone - The Waitress
Patrick Connor
Wilfred Grove
Kristin Hatfield - Pupil with black hair-bow
Bernard's efforts to stimulate interest in the Parent-Teacher Association ends in chaos when Panalal, a young Indian boy, joins 5C.
John Alderton - Bernard Hedges
Deryck Guyler - Norman Potter
Noel Howlett - Mr. Cromwell
Joan Sanderson - Doris Ewell
Richard Davies - Mr. Price
Erik Chitty - Mr. Smith
David Barry - Frankie Abbott
Peter Cleall - Eric Duffy
Peter Denyer - Dennis Dunstable
Liz Gebhardt - Maureen Bullock
Malcolm McFee - Peter Craven
Penny Spencer - Sharon Eversleigh
Barbara Mitchell - Mrs. Abbott
George Georghiou - Panalal
Olive Mercer - Mrs. Quimby
Claire Shenstone - The Waitress
Patrick Connor
Wilfred Grove
Kristin Hatfield - Pupil with black hair-bow
Category
📺
TVTranscript
00:00The End
00:301, 2, 3, 2, 1
00:59Jeffrey died 1186, Richard, in fact, reigned 1189 to 99.
01:07All right, all right, well, you see, you can't understand a genealogical table like that,
01:11so we'll put the table on the floor, so to speak.
01:15Please yourselves.
01:17Right, now then, who are you?
01:19Dennis Dunstable.
01:21Yes, no, no, I know, yes, but who, who in fact were you, Dennis?
01:24Oh, one of them on the board.
01:26Right, yes, in fact, the father figure of the Plantagenet dynasty, King Henry II.
01:32And I'm his wife, Eleanor, aren't I?
01:34Yes, yes, indeed, you are, Maureen, of Aquitaine, yes.
01:41Hello, Eleanor, is dinner ready?
01:45Yes, it's in the oven, Henry.
01:48Good, right, now you have four sons.
01:50Have we got a dog?
01:51Yeah, well, as many as you like, Dennis, but I think we'll concentrate on the sons first.
01:56Oh, couldn't I have a little girl first?
01:58No.
01:59Call her Candy, I think that's ever such a nice name.
02:02Now, if she's a princess, better be Candice.
02:04Look, this is history, not Peyton plays.
02:06You can't go having children willy-nilly all over the place.
02:09Quite right.
02:10Planned families are happy families.
02:12Monsignor's not what says it, in the eyes of the church is...
02:13Yes, yes, right, right, Maureen.
02:15Right, Graven, now you will be the first son, the young Henry.
02:19Oh, boy, oh.
02:19And I'm very sorry to have to tell you that you die at a very early age.
02:23Oh, well, I'll sit down.
02:24Yes, the young Henry.
02:27Now, the second son was Richard.
02:30Anybody?
02:32It, it, yes, yes.
02:34Yes, that was Richard.
02:35All right, Sir Lawrence, stand over there, will you?
02:38And the third one was Geoffrey.
02:40Wesley.
02:42Oh, all right, Eleanor, when did he happen?
02:43On a cricket tour.
02:44And you were the fourth son, the evil King John.
02:50Oh, Mummy! Daddy!
02:52All right, shut up, shut up. Well, there we have it.
02:55The noble house of the Plantagenets.
02:58Well, can't I be in it? Can't I be somebody's mistress?
03:02In a minute, Sarah.
03:05You having trouble, Craven?
03:07I'm dying, aren't I, like you said?
03:08Not until I kill you off, which will be very shortly.
03:11Help, Father!
03:12I'm not in, I'm taking the dogs for a walk.
03:15Dennis!
03:16You said I ain't dogs. I got a brown one and a black one.
03:19Little corgis, eh, Henry?
03:21Hey, Chief, that Richard, what's frankly?
03:23Weren't he Richard the liar?
03:25That's very good, Duffy.
03:27And me, John, weren't he the brother got his feet under the table
03:29when Richard was on a crusade?
03:31Excellent! Yes!
03:32Oh, no, it ain't.
03:34Abbott, you're John.
03:35Who says?
03:36I do.
03:37I want it to be John anyway.
03:39Right, right, yes.
03:41And the first of Henry's sons to take her wife was Richard.
03:44All right.
03:45Sharon?
03:46No.
03:47I don't want to.
03:48Oh, come on, shall I? You can be my daughter-in-law.
03:50No.
03:51And his wife was the most beautiful woman in Christendom,
03:55Princess Berengaria of Navarre.
03:57Who?
03:58Princess Berengaria.
04:01Berengaria Eversley.
04:03All right, darling.
04:04How many kids are we having?
04:06None, as a matter of fact.
04:07Oh, no.
04:08I'd want children.
04:09Oh, let her have some, sir.
04:11We are learning history, not rewriting it.
04:14As a matter of fact, Richard never actually consummated his marriage.
04:17You mean he never...
04:18No, no, he never...
04:19No, no, he never...
04:20Have a chance, Frank.
04:21No, no, look, this is not...
04:22Musical chairs, you know.
04:23Ah!
04:24For Perlstoop dance hedges.
04:25No, thanks.
04:26Oh, what is it?
04:27A staff affair or something, sir?
04:28No, no, no, no, no.
04:29Your class here.
04:30This is country dancing, isn't it?
04:31In fact, not, sir.
04:32No.
04:33Living history.
04:34Or rather moribund history.
04:35Splendid.
04:36And who are you, Craven?
04:37Coen...
04:38Coven Craver.
04:39Craven, yes.
04:40I'm his dead king, aren't I?
04:41What, Rex Mortuus, eh?
04:42No.
04:43Henry Plantagenet.
04:44Good.
04:45Good.
04:46Well done, hedges.
04:47Well, thank you very much.
04:48Good.
04:49Well, is that it, sir, or was there something else?
04:51Hmm?
04:52Ah!
04:53To the first question, sir.
04:54I'm sorry.
04:55I'm sorry.
04:56I'm sorry.
04:57I'm sorry.
04:58I'm sorry.
04:59I'm sorry.
05:00I'm sorry.
05:01I'm sorry.
05:02I'm sorry.
05:03I'm sorry.
05:04Ah!
05:05To the first question, no.
05:06To the second, yes.
05:07Pun allows data.
05:08Another dance.
05:09Wrong.
05:10A boy?
05:11Yes, yes.
05:12A little Indian chap.
05:13He's here in transit, as it were.
05:14His father's waiting for a position.
05:15Maybe here a month, maybe a week.
05:16I've been lumbered with him, have I?
05:17Hedges, there is nothing wrong with being an Indian.
05:20Or a West Indian, either, Wesley.
05:24Wesley, and it's nothing to do with that.
05:25It's just that I've got enough on my...
05:26Ah, thank you, hedges.
05:28I knew I could count on you.
05:29Come in, young man.
05:30All right.
05:31Back to your thrones, you Planktanget.
05:32Ah!
05:33Office, father.
05:34Yes, sir.
05:35Oh, I'm not famous.
05:38Top notch.
05:39Must dash.
05:40Oh, and as coven, remember, never be afraid of dying.
05:43We shall all meet again in the summer land.
05:45Stroll on.
05:46Well, I'm...
05:47Oh!
05:48Well, welcome to, uh, Fati Pan, uh, Pal...
05:49Pan-A-Lal, sir.
05:50Pan-A-Lal.
05:51Um, I was just, in fact, discussing the Plantagenet dynasty.
05:52But if you are not acquainted with it, I do understand.
05:53Well, sir Walston, no way claiming an authoritarian disposition towards the subject.
05:55I can claim a modest knowledge of this particular genealogy.
05:56Oh, dear.
05:57Uh, what was your last school, in fact, in fact, in fact?
05:58The Star of Bindranath Tagore Academy Bombay.
05:59Ah, well, that's a little out of our depth, I'm afraid.
06:00But, uh, find yourself a seat.
06:01Oh, dear.
06:02Oh, dear.
06:03Uh, what was your last school, in fact, Pan-A-Lal?
06:04The Star of Bindranath Tagore Academy Bombay.
06:05Ah, well, that's a little out of our depth, I'm afraid.
06:06But, uh, find yourself a seat, anyway.
06:07Thank you, sir.
06:08Where is your elephant, then, Gungerton?
06:09In the cycle, sir, with all the other vehicles.
06:10Ah!
06:11Ah!
06:12Ah!
06:13Ah!
06:14Ah!
06:15Ah!
06:16Ah!
06:17Ah!
06:18Ah!
06:19Ah!
06:20Ah!
06:21Ah!
06:22Ah!
06:23Ah!
06:24Ah!
06:25Ah!
06:26Ah!
06:27Ah!
06:28Ah!
06:29Ah!
06:30Ah!
06:31Ah!
06:32Ah!
06:33Ah!
06:34Oh, alas.
06:35Excuse me.
06:36Oh!
06:37Haven't you got dear little manners, eh?
06:39Well, if you're all quite ready for me,
06:41now.
06:42Oh, hi.
06:43Now, look.
06:44I want to remind you, that Friday is the first meeting
06:45of the Reborn Parent Teacher Association, and I would like you to encourage your parents
06:51to come along.
06:52What, so you can rat on us?
06:54Yeah.
06:55Good night, Sir.
06:56Good night!
06:57Uh, Jusôr, just a minute.
06:58I don't know if your parents, they'll be interested, uh, I know you'll only maybe here
07:01for a few days, but if they'd like to come along, they'd
07:03they'll be more than welcome thank you sir i will inform them accordingly good
07:09do i have your permission to withdraw sir permission to with with withdraw oh please
07:16please do yes please do
07:23was he tried to bombay i suppose
07:33god they've been open now for 10 minutes
07:53i see we're all champing at the bit oh i chump chump chump it's so moving to see the staff
08:00fired with any new idea new look our parents teacher association died a natural death five
08:06years ago so why does frankenstein hedges have to breathe new life into the courts i believe it's
08:11called enthusiasm so kindly forget your standing order with the brewery and show some may the
08:17powers of darkness rot your bloomers
08:22we even played them at hockey oh one of the corpses has come alive
08:26who's many the parents when i was teaching at worthing a very flourishing association we had
08:32we enjoyed many fruitful and often jolly evenings together yes one court in worthing
08:39indeed it was whilst rehearsing our joint production of the line at domino that i met
08:44and later came to love a certain miss but williams you dirty old cesbian does madge know about this
08:53madge is miss but williams that was it's all right i've laid on the refreshments all set you're
09:00the one who needs setting in concrete you've got some powder on your nose monsieur my word isn't this
09:07thrilling the rebirth of our parent teacher association well i'm so glad you're excited
09:12about it sir but i can't come but you can't come now i'm désolé of course but this very night is my um
09:18um and what's your um rotary club rotary club
09:28well the bon bon chance and tonight i want you to think of doris as me good night just one word mr
09:36guys doris cronwell well they should be here soon i'll go along and welcome them if you'd all like
09:46to come along in about five minutes and really get to know the parents i hope there will be free
09:52intercourse what did you say too many parents tend to encapsulate themselves when faced with teachers
10:02i hope they will have lots of questions for us well i've got one for them oh good what how the hell
10:08they managed to sire such a concentration of parasitic fungus
10:14and i would like to close my opening by welcoming you all um here this evening
10:23and i hope that this magnificent turnout will one day become a larger
10:31much larger active association good well now any questions yes yes yes yes yes yes this isn't the
10:43evening institute guitar class is it no no i'm afraid it's not i thought so
10:51what it was funny when i saw nobody else had a guitar with them
10:54oh dear got the wrong room well now um mrs um quimby mrs quimby and uh mr and mrs data yes
11:11yes yes fan of nails parents uh well mrs quimby and mr and mrs data this is where our work
11:18really begins oh my god ah the rest of the staff
11:30it was at this point i thought we might get to know one another most of us already do
11:35and i thought we might uh might mingle mingle is enough of us here to bloody suffocate
11:41oh this is mr and mrs data mr price mr mr smith mr and mrs
11:49now then now then we don't know all congregate in one corner of the room do we there's
11:53there's mrs quimby of mrs quimby mrs quimby oh well i hope this is enough i had to promise mrs
12:06sammy to all sorts of things to get this much enough oh i should think that's ample yes thank
12:11you very much and those spoons with the sticking plaster on them are my rubies so i want them back you
12:17see well thank you very much mr potter perhaps um i could take it from here
12:22you'll take your lands off my trolley this is an administrative trolley you know and i am an
12:26administrative executive therefore i'm executive this trolley now if you just kindly open the door
12:33do you mind not impeding my progress thank you ah here we go
12:40good evening all i've laid on some modest refreshments and
12:44would you come and join us mr edgis there are 125 bonds in here
13:01good evening all the time
13:12thank you
13:13Here you are, Sheldon.
13:24Oh, yeah, this float.
13:28Oh, no.
13:32Oh, no.
13:33Oh, no.
13:34Oh, no.
13:36Excuse me.
13:40Excuse me.
13:41I'm looking for something hot, sir.
13:55I found it, I think.
13:58One egg, gigantaburger, chips and coffee, please.
14:00Right.
14:01Egg, gigantaburger, chips and coffee.
14:06Hmm.
14:08Sorry, I missed you.
14:09It's all right.
14:10I've just come in.
14:11Oh, no.
14:12I mean down at Fen Street.
14:13I used to be in 5C.
14:14Sharon's my mate.
14:19Here.
14:20Mrs Cobbult down the flat says you only invited them Indian people to your parents' meeting.
14:26That right?
14:27That's absolute nonsense.
14:28Ooh.
14:29Why can't you tell me then?
14:31You know what I'm going to do now?
14:34Well, you've got to get my lunch, I hope.
14:35That's right.
14:36Oh, naughty.
14:37Oh, come here.
14:38Come here.
14:39Come here.
14:40Oh, come here.
14:41You and half a mucky pup.
14:42Hold your head still.
14:44Oh, come here. You and I are a mucky pup. Hold your head still.
14:55Come on, Mum. That's my teacher.
14:59Oh, yeah, you've got a teacher's face.
15:03You don't mind if we sit here, do you? It's such a relief.
15:06No, no.
15:07I can't begin to tell you about my legs.
15:11Do you don't mind if I rush my food, Mrs Abbott? I'm in a bit of a hurry.
15:15Oh, please do. Just a week tea for me, love, and a banana split for my little soldier.
15:20Oh, and it chips, Mum.
15:22No, you don't, my duck. Bless him.
15:29Of course, with me, you know, the legs come from the stomach.
15:37What, directly?
15:38Oh, yes. Well, my little soldier will tell you he's seen his mum struggling with her stomach, haven't you, Frank?
15:44You've not wanted chips?
15:45No.
15:47Of course, you know, I emmeraged for three days.
15:54These gigantic burgers are filling, aren't they?
15:56Well, I did.
15:57And then, of course, on the third day they took me in.
15:59But do you know, when I come round, half me tubes are gone.
16:06Well, I hope you've managed to carry on with the other half, Mrs Allison.
16:09That's why I couldn't come to your parents' meeting, you see.
16:12Well, that's understandable, with your legs coming from your stomach, aren't you?
16:18Yes, well, of course, um, they went, though, didn't they?
16:21Them Indian people.
16:23Just as well, I suppose, somebody for me to talk to.
16:26Yes, but, I mean, it's funny, isn't it? You know how pushy they get.
16:31Everybody was, in fact, invited.
16:33Yes, but they had to go, didn't they?
16:36Well, good day, Mrs Abbott. Enjoy your Indian tea, won't you?
16:40No.
16:44And that is the actual ritual thuggy murder.
16:47Bleeding gurusome, isn't it?
16:48It's true, though.
16:49I mean, if the law searches you, they can hardly say a scarf's an offensive weapon.
16:53Not if they didn't know.
16:54Here, with them thuggies, thugs.
16:57Now, that is very clever of you, Dennis.
16:59Why?
17:00Because you have seen the British word thug.
17:02It's derived from the cult of thuggy.
17:05Oh, so I did.
17:06I mean, Sharon Baby, lucky you at Westlok,
17:08because if I'd have done him, I'd have knocked him right through that wall.
17:11Oh, dear.
17:12And I've been interesting.
17:13Pan's been telling us all about Indian things.
17:15What?
17:16Lovemaking and that.
17:17No.
17:18Rituals.
17:19Of course you can do that, being like a real native.
17:21But we are all natives of our own country.
17:23And all God's children.
17:25I know, but you're the first Indian at Fen Street.
17:27What really comes from India?
17:29All the rest was born over here.
17:30I mean, the Londoners are like, ah, same with the West Indians, isn't it?
17:33Yeah.
17:34Yeah, like when we asked them to show us limbo dancing with the high jump apparatus.
17:37Yeah.
17:38He didn't even know what he was.
17:40He fell over, didn't he?
17:41You know, you've made a very interesting sociological point.
17:44Have we?
17:45Yes, and one I would like to develop further.
17:47But our time together is very limited.
17:50Because, you see, I am leaving on Friday.
17:52I wish you wasn't.
17:53Maybe just as well, though, Pam, me old son.
17:55Your mum and dad stood up a bit of a hornet's nest by going to that meeting.
17:58I don't understand.
17:59Yeah.
18:00He does take a bit of credit in.
18:01You see, none of the parents went to the meeting naturally.
18:04But when they hear a couple of immigrant parents, Bovard, they get all up in the air about being squeezed out in their own country.
18:10Oh, dear.
18:11That is racial intolerance.
18:12Bloody fools, if you ask me.
18:13Still, at least the country's got a new intelligentsia like us coming along, innit?
18:17Oh, blimey.
18:18What thought?
18:19Frankie Abbott as Prime Minister.
18:20Hello, my brother.
18:21Hello, kiddies.
18:22Hello.
18:23Hello, Uncle Norman.
18:24Now, would any of you like to buy some nice buns, eh?
18:27And each?
18:28Here.
18:29That ain't your love bucket, is it?
18:31I know what my buckets are for, Sonny, because the animals are colour-coded for instant identification.
18:36So is that your love bucket?
18:38Red is for toilets, green for windows, a gold for the atmosphere.
18:41And your natural colour is, see, for your other amenities.
18:42Get an idea?
18:43Right.
18:44Well, now, would any of you like to buy some buns?
18:45Oh, right.
18:46Bug them around here.
18:47Hang on.
18:48You want a bit of change for that, won't you? Hang on a minute.
18:49Gordon Bennett.
18:50Oh, Mr Bennett.
18:51How long have you had these?
18:52Well, we'll have it since Friday.
18:53What, good Friday?
18:54Well, it's his parents' fault.
18:55They left them.
18:56Get out of here.
18:57Get out of here.
18:58Get out of here.
18:59Get out of here.
19:00Get out of here.
19:01Get out of here.
19:02Get out of here.
19:03Get out of here.
19:04Get out of here.
19:05Get out of here.
19:06Get out of here.
19:07Get out of here.
19:08Get out of here.
19:09Get out of here.
19:10Get out of here.
19:11So, this, in fact, will be the second meeting of the parents' teachers' goodnight, which
19:15is basically the same principle as goodnight, as before, only about this time, the, er,
19:21goodnight.
19:22Look, am I going to get my support or not?
19:24No.
19:25Smithy, you know, it was so embarrassing.
19:28No less than eight of us trying to make conversation with the parents of a boy who'd only been in
19:33the school one day.
19:34Yes, but we...
19:35There might be dozens there tonight, Smithy.
19:36tonight Smithy we might not even be able to get through the door at Worthing we
19:39even had soiree musicale and Mrs Dawes and her wind ensemble I remember we might not even be able to
19:46to get through it never mind Mr Hedges you and I can take a parent each this evening
19:54that's very funny Doris you mean you're staying Doris I could kiss you I'm staying more from a
20:03sense of duty than one of optimism and we'll dispense with the kissing I think I should
20:08bloody well hope so what can I say you're desolée but you can't make it again thank you for being
20:16so understanding Doris are you ready ready no no she's staying she said so ready for what headmaster
20:24I've arranged a date for us this evening a date no no she said so with Mr Mullen of Weaver Street
20:30we're going to talk about the inter-schools boxing after all Doris you know much more
20:36about boxing than I do come along what a bloody farce ah that's the word I've been looking for
20:46oh boy forget it come over the road and I'll buy you a nice long cool pint and I'll introduce you
20:53to a new barmaid I've been priming with my irresistible Welsh charm behind me you bloody
20:59Welsh satan sell your soul to me boy I will buy you a pint and a hot sausage now I'm going to go
21:08there tonight even if there are only a couple of people you've been a bit optimistic aren't you I
21:11mean pun and I'll watch it he left today didn't he I mean I assume he took his parents with him now
21:16by my reckoning that leaves just uh you talking to your bloody self
21:20you don't mind if I insist on a seat do you dear but I've only been off the drip feed a fortnight
21:39I'm sorry I was so much loved you know when I was on that operating table I was offering
21:45between this world and the next when I was on a different plane you see
21:49there was all these spirit figures chanting go back Vera go back we aren't ready for you this
22:01side of the bale yes good evening Mrs Abbott tube's a little better tonight
22:06well what a magnificent turner I think we all owe a debt of thanks to Mr and Mrs Datter for
22:15engendering such a spirit in the neighbourhood yes I see they're not here though I suppose
22:19they thought they wouldn't get the preferential treatment with all the English people here yeah
22:23that's right well they're not here in fact because they've left the district yeah
22:27then we're wasting our time and there's no question of preferential treatment well where's
22:33all the other teachers then they're blacks and all the staff yes they do well well this is a little
22:37difficult to perhaps to to understand but uh all the other teachers did in fact have prior
22:41engagements oh that says it to me second-class citizens that's what we are and I'm off no no
22:48please don't go no no no no I'm gonna mingle with you and talk about your children of course
22:53they all like tea you know they did but so do we so do so do we have tea ah just in time
23:01you've done it again haven't you we could make some more can't you oh no I can't I'm not gonna have
23:17you mucking about with my catering no no please don't go look we can we can keep washing the cups
23:20down or something I've got some some dried milk just a minute mr. potter if there is one parent
23:30left in the room then the parent teacher association is a living thing mr. quimby yes the parent yes
23:38mrs. quimby is one of my cleaners yes that's right what are you doing here dollar well I'll just come
23:45in for a sedan and a warm
23:47thank you
23:53so
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