Please Sir! S03 E09. Catch a Falling Drop-Out.

deaddogsdam

First broadcast 15th November 1970.  As part of 5C's political education Mr Hedges arranges a trip to the local Conservative club.  John Alderton - Bernard Hedges Deryck Guyler - Norman Potter Noel Howlett - Mr. Cromwell Joan Sanderson - Doris Ewell Richard Davies - Mr. Price Erik Chitty - Mr. Smith Liz Gebhardt - Maureen Bullock Penny Spencer - Sharon Eversleigh Peter Cleall - Eric Duffy Malcolm McFee - Peter Craven Peter Denyer - Dennis Dunstable David Barry - Frankie Abbott Richard Caldicot - Mr. Herman Janina Faye - Hermione Derek Murcott - Conservative Leslie Weeks - Ticket collector (as Leslie Weekes) Linda Cunningham - Pupil with long blonde hair George Georghiou - Pupil in brown jacket Kristin Hatfield - Pupil in green dress Aziz Resham - Pupil in blue striped shirt Suzanne Togni - Pupil in patterned top/dress

Transcript

00:07ARD Text im Auftrag von Funk

00:41Right, Farty, well, I've set out the seats to represent our own five C's Parliament.

00:45You've had all break to reach political maturity, so have you decided which parties you'd like to be in?

00:49Yep, and I'm leader of the opposition.

00:51I thought you might be duffy, yes, yes.

00:53Well, these are the opposition benches here, and these are the government benches.

00:56So, gentlemen of the House, take your seats.

01:00Right, get me out of the way.

01:02Get me, please.

01:03Now, this is ridiculous. What about the government?

01:09I meant the right honourable Hank Abbott, MP.

01:12Abbott, you're going to be out of power within one vote.

01:14Yeah, you lot never told me that.

01:16Too late, Ched, the country made its choice.

01:20Some of you will just get over onto the government side, quickly.

01:22Come on, come on.

01:27Ah, that's no good. I've only got top MPs now, haven't I?

01:31If Mrs Thatcher could hear him now, right?

01:34All right, the girls can debate just as well as the boys, have it?

01:37We can natter all right, but what's going to happen to the Prime Minister when Eric loses his temper?

01:42And I very likely will.

01:44Or is I? Here, let me in now.

01:46Yeah!

01:48Right, now then.

01:51Government was first started in its...

01:53Yes?

01:56Vegetables.

01:56Eh?

01:57Well, that's it.

01:58I mean it.

01:59Members of the House, excuse me just one moment.

02:03Maureen, what are you doing?

02:04I'm doing a symbolic gesture on all of you.

02:08Oh, God, it's off again.

02:10I don't see anything very symbolic about standing out here in the draft, Maureen.

02:14Government is the dim-witted following the completely stupid.

02:18Good, good.

02:18Now, who told you that?

02:20Dorian.

02:20Who's this Doreen, Maureen?

02:22Dorian!

02:23He's just some bloke I met, and he makes you all look so immature.

02:28How old is he then?

02:29Eighteen.

02:31Yes, well, right, let's have your sitting down, Maureen, and we'll leave this venerable old gentleman out of it, shall

02:36we?

02:36No, Dorian says authority is just people telling people what to do, and I'm doing a gesture against it.

02:43Right, well, let's have the gesture over here, shall we, Maureen?

02:45And you face the wall until lunchtime, right?

02:48Right.

02:50Good.

02:51Well, then.

02:54Mr Prime Minister.

02:56Who, me?

02:57Right, yes.

02:57Would you please choose your cabinet?

03:01Or bag's this one.

03:03No!

03:03What?

03:04Sit down.

03:05No!

03:10I'm sure Simon and Mumford didn't have this trouble.

03:13Well, I say...

03:15Hey!

03:20Maureen, Maureen, what are you doing now?

03:22Dorian says you should do your thing when you feel like doing it,

03:24and I feel like doing it, don't I?

03:27How does it feel like wringing your neck?

03:29Leave the room.

03:31No, wait!

03:32Leave the room, Maureen!

03:35What's the matter with Maureen, Cheryl?

03:37Why's she gone all peculiar?

03:38Well, you see, Dent, I think it all started with Sir getting engaged.

03:42And then, of course, Monsignor Sotwood said she couldn't become a nun.

03:45Yes, right.

03:45It's the historian business, I suppose.

03:47Notice the price of eggs lately, have you?

03:50Oh, that's utterly Mickey Taylor.

03:51Well, at least stop gossiping, then.

03:53Now, look here.

03:55We all know that Maureen is going through a particularly difficult period of her life

03:59and it's up to us to be as patient with her as we possibly can.

04:02Is that why you slung her out the room?

04:05All right, I admit that was a mistake.

04:08But, well, it won't happen again.

04:10All right?

04:11Good.

04:12Now, the government in this country

04:17was started by signing an uncle.

04:28Really, anyone would think you'd never seen a telephone before.

04:30What are you expecting it to do?

04:32Explode or dance on the table?

04:34That is not just a telephone, monsieur.

04:36It is a link with the outside world.

04:37We can phone people up and reassure ourselves

04:40that we are not entombed here forever.

04:41Like, ump for the cricket scores.

04:44I still don't see why we need a telephone in here when there's one in my study.

04:47This is not a challenge to your authority, headmaster.

04:50Merely a convenience.

04:51For your Mr Sibley, maybe.

04:53Oh, well, if we're going to descend to that level,

04:55you once spent 50 minutes talking to the British Bird Society about the giant bastard.

04:59Then, of course, there's Tim and Joy.

05:03Yes.

05:04Who's Joy?

05:05Tim's wife.

05:06Oh, really, Price?

05:07I sometimes wonder if inhaling chemicals gives you this extraordinary sense of humour.

05:12Morning, everybody.

05:14Oh, the telephone's come.

05:15Excuse me.

05:16Just a moment, Boyle.

05:17There's an order of precedence with this, and you are last.

05:23Right.

05:27Just a minute.

05:28That would be for me.

05:31Hello, 10th Street School.

05:33You're speaking.

05:35Oh, yes, he's here.

05:37Mr Hedges.

05:38All right.

05:39Excuse me.

05:40I've just got to take a telephone call.

05:43Thank you very much.

05:44Hello.

05:46Oh, hello.

05:46How nice to hear from you.

05:50Yes.

05:50Oh, well, that's very kind of you, indeed.

05:53Thanks very much.

05:54Yes, we'll be delighted to all come along that evening.

05:57Okay.

05:58Yes, fine.

05:58See you then.

06:00Bye.

06:12Oh, the phone call.

06:13Oh, that was the Conservative Club inviting five to see you along for a visit.

06:17Well, I knew they were mad, but I didn't know they were masochists as well.

06:20All right, now, Bevan.

06:21We're going to the Labour Club as well.

06:22I'll just go along and tell them.

06:23Mr Hedges, would you mind if I came with you?

06:25I didn't know you were interested in politics, Norman.

06:27No, I'm not.

06:28I just want to join the Conservative Club.

06:30Well, you know, I mean sort of local standing, you know, and better class of bingo for my

06:35ruby.

06:36Potter, you're a snob.

06:37I am not, you know.

06:38It's just that I think the intelligentsia of this district would all stick together.

06:42All right, Norman.

06:43If it means that much to you.

06:44Oh.

06:45That lad has just won himself a free car wash.

06:54Isn't anyone doing any teaching this morning?

06:57I'm waiting for a telephone call.

06:59Ah, Smithy, if you want a telephone call, I'll nip along to the study and give you one from

07:03here.

07:04No, no, no, no.

07:05I meant from Madge.

07:0611.30 on the dot, she said.

07:105, 4, 3, 2, 1, 0.

07:15Oh.

07:17Bloody marmoless, isn't it?

07:19Hello, my darling.

07:21How's my little blue-eyed loveliness this morning?

07:24Oh.

07:25It's the Chairman of the Governors.

07:33Hello, my dear, Taylor.

07:36Very nice.

07:37Very nice, too, yes.

07:39Everything all right, Clavin?

07:41And I think if the politicians done it to each other, they'd laugh more and be more friendlier.

07:48Yes, did what to each other, did it?

07:50Well, this game.

07:50See, miss, is you take the person's hand and you go, walkie round the garden like a teddy

07:57bear, one step, two step, tickle the other bear.

08:02You know, you can't.

08:07That's right, I hope you're learning something from this gentleman, don't you?

08:10As a matter of fact, I'm learning something from him.

08:13Really?

08:14Yeah.

08:14Oh, God, God.

08:14You see, it's when the jockeys adjust in the horse's bit before the off that he slips him

08:18the pill.

08:18If she goes so fast, you'll think it's on the secret list.

08:20Yeah, see.

08:22Now, look, Hermione, look, I'm thinking of you.

08:24Just forget I ever asked you out tonight.

08:26No, I won't.

08:27You did, and I jolly well want to come.

08:29Perhaps if we went somewhere where there's lots of light and no soft seats.

08:31Oh, heavens above, Peter, I'm not some goddess on some pedestal.

08:34I'm just a girl.

08:36I'm just flesh and blood.

08:40All right, Hermione, don't say I didn't try and warn you.

08:43I just hope you won't be too shocked by my uncouth approaches.

08:49Well, I did.

08:51Maureen, join in, join in.

08:53What, and become one of the herd?

08:55I think I'm going to join the sea man and do my own thing down in Cornwall.

08:58With Dorian?

08:59Yeah.

09:00Yes, this Dorian seems to know what's wrong with everything, Maureen, but does he have

09:03any answers?

09:04Yeah, direct action.

09:06He says the people here are the Death Watch Beatles in the rafters of society.

09:10Rafters of society.

09:12Brilliant.

09:12Awkward.

09:13Awkward.

09:15Hello.

09:16My tart being stroppy, then.

09:18Yes, she is.

09:18And if she's your tart, why don't you do something about it, Abbott?

09:21How big's his Dorian, then?

09:22In my eyes.

09:23Very small, indeed.

09:24Great.

09:25I'll rearrange his face, then.

09:30Sir?

09:31Yes, yes?

09:32You've got a potato in your sock.

09:35LAUGHTER

09:38Don't point.

09:39Don't, don't point.

09:40Don't, don't.

09:41LAUGHTER

09:42Take the tea, will you?

09:43Take the tea.

09:54LAUGHTER

09:56LAUGHTER

09:58LAUGHTER

09:59LAUGHTER

10:04During the election, you see, I mean, I had posters all over the school, you know.

10:08Ah, Mr Edges, I was just saying, I always make a nuisance of myself, you know, by, at

10:13the school, by spreading the conservative word, you know.

10:16Yes.

10:16Well, I would go so far, Norman, as to say that you do make a nuisance of yourself.

10:21Ah, yes, but it's worth it with the lads we've had, isn't it, Johnny?

10:24Oh, yes, you know, I mean, uh, Stan Baldwin, you know, and Whitty himself, and Rad Macmillan,

10:29Huey Gateskill?

10:30Gateskill was a socialist.

10:31What?

10:32Oh, yes, well, I know that.

10:33I mean, he was just always trying to make himself out to me at all, he, wasn't he?

10:37Well, yes, I...

10:38Oh, yes, it must be.

10:40Well, it seems to be moving along splendidly, doesn't it?

10:42Yes, yes.

10:43Yes, yes, it does.

10:45Mind you, you know, the fact that my application to join has been turned down 14 times does seem

10:49to suggest to me that all was not right with the party machine.

10:52I thought it was 60.

10:53Yeah, but, of course, now that you've met me, you see, face to face, I mean, it does

10:56put a different complexion on things, don't you feel that, in your heart?

11:01So sorry, I dropped a sandwich down.

11:07Sharon, where's...

11:11Underneath...

11:15Hello.

11:32My word, isn't this fun?

11:36Yes, I enjoy these sort of things, you know.

11:43Now, come along, everybody.

11:45Our member is going to address us all in the recreation room.

11:47You don't get this down the Labour Club, you know, Johnny.

11:49Not real honest.

11:50No, no.

11:51Come along, everybody, please.

11:52Come along.

11:53Are you coming, Mr. Hedges?

11:54Yes, I belong straight away.

11:56Stand it.

12:12My word, this really is wonderful craftsmanship.

12:19Isn't it?

12:22That's it.

12:23That's it.

12:23Four bob each way for me, and, uh, how much for you, Smitty?

12:27Sixpence.

12:28And sixpence each way for Mr...

12:30Shh, no names.

12:31Oh.

12:32And sixpence each way for Mr. X.

12:33Yes, thank you.

12:34Yes, that's it.

12:35Now, the 3.30, dainty Doris.

12:39Oh, could you possibly make that a gross of test tubes on the nose?

12:43That's fine, yes.

12:45Oh, I didn't know bookmakers supplied laboratory equipment.

12:48Oh, yes, I do.

12:50Hedges was telling me what an unqualified success the visit to the Conservative Club was.

12:55Apparently so.

12:57My headmaster is just about to drop a boncho.

13:01Staff, oh, staff, we have been nursing a serpent in our chest.

13:05Why, what's happened?

13:06Oh, the Conservative Club telephone shortly after 5C left, a valuable silver cup was found missing.

13:11Oh, not more policemen in the school.

13:14Well, never mind about that.

13:16What about my 17th application to John McClough?

13:19Oh.

13:20Oh.

13:45Oh, it wasn't just a posh tea they gave us.

13:49I thought they were utterly nice, Peter.

13:51Utterly genuine.

13:52Oh, another convert.

13:54Oh, we must discuss this when we exercise the polo ponies tomorrow, Peter.

13:58Oh, serpently, Eric, but I must phone my stockbroker first about making another quick million.

14:02Right.

14:02Well, we all know what you was up to last night, Peter Craven.

14:06Yeah.

14:07Ah, don't start that.

14:09That lady I tickled always wanted children of her own, you know.

14:12How'd you know that, Dave?

14:13She said, and she told me her first name was Molly.

14:17Well, if I weren't taken in, first off, I told them I'd only be voting for myself.

14:21Then, I nicked a cream puff.

14:23Oh, you devil, Frank.

14:25Yeah, I know.

14:26Look.

14:27Here.

14:28Oh, you're a bull.

14:29Right, say hello, my team.

14:31Oh, oh, oh.

14:32Ow.

14:34Now, listen to me.

14:35I've got some rather disturbing news for you.

14:37I'm afraid something has been stolen from the Conservative Club.

14:40Oh!

14:41Oh!

14:41Don't tell me, Mum.

14:42Look, it's only a cake.

14:44I'll pay for it.

14:46I'm referring to a rather valuable silver cup.

14:49Oh, well, that's it.

14:50Go on, accuse us.

14:52All right, Duffy, I don't believe anyone here took it, but I have to ask.

14:57Don't bother.

14:58I took it.

15:00But Maureen don't nick things.

15:02I didn't nick it, Den.

15:04I just took it as a gesture against society.

15:07Maureen.

15:08Maureen.

15:10This time, I'm afraid, society has noticed.

15:14Come on.

15:15Huh.

15:16Freedom.

15:17Come on.

15:21Oh, what is the matter with that girl?

15:23Bleeding Dorian, isn't it?

15:25Whoever he may be.

15:26I've got it.

15:26I know who he is.

15:27He's that bloke who does a show jumping on a telly.

15:30Oh, I see.

15:31So Maureen's going out with Dorian Williams to drop that, is she?

15:34You great whoop.

15:38The child is owned up.

15:39Who are we to judge?

15:41You are the headmaster.

15:42Now, look here, Maureen.

15:44Yeah?

15:44Yes, what?

15:46Yes, miss.

15:47Will you give us your solemn promise that nothing of the sort will ever occur again?

15:51No.

15:53I've got to have these principles, haven't I?

15:55Then you must have them outside Fern Street.

15:58I see no alternative but immediate expulsion.

16:01But, Miss Yule, the real punishment for us all will be in the Summerland.

16:04We can't wait that long.

16:07Could I have a word with you, please, Miss Yule?

16:08Very well.

16:09Wait outside, Maureen.

16:12Come on.

16:13Yeah, well, it's all right for you.

16:15Kick me out if you like.

16:17The trouble is I can't explain to no one what I want.

16:19Oh, I've got feelings.

16:20All right, all right, Maureen.

16:25Now, look here, Doris.

16:32Doris, if we kick the China, we're not solving the problem.

16:34We're just getting rid of it.

16:36Now, if you can just let me have the time.

16:38Quarter past four.

16:41The Conservative Club don't want to take the matter any further

16:43and her previous record, she deserves it.

16:46So, she's only got a few weeks left at school.

16:49Let's try and use them.

16:50Bernard, you've just made up for 20 years

16:52of listening to teachers like Mr Price.

16:55You'd better tell, Maureen.

16:57Thanks, Miss Yule.

16:58That's my decision, then.

17:03Right, sir.

17:06Now, come along, young lady.

17:07Aye, aye.

17:09Where's Maureen?

17:11Oh, I don't know.

17:11She dushed out at the school as though her gym slept was on fire or something.

17:15Oh, hell.

17:16What?

17:16If that child's done something silly...

17:19Miss Yule, sir, what's up?

17:22Where are you going?

17:22I don't know, Norman, but I'm sure I should be there.

17:26What's the matter?

17:29Aye, aye.

17:33Norman, you're back in business, lad.

17:39I can't say how grateful I am to you, Mr Potter, for bringing the cup back.

17:43Johnny, me old market, it was no trouble at all, you know.

17:45No, the only trouble was, you see, in finding it, finding out where it was after the theft,

17:50you see.

17:50Well, I mean, of course, as soon as I knew it was missing, you see, I even stopped cleaning

17:53the headmaster's car, you know.

17:55Where did you find it?

17:56Pardon?

17:56Where?

17:57Ah, yes.

17:57Now, secretified of my gaseous escape housing.

18:00What?

18:01My flu, yes.

18:02But you see, Johnny, I did it for the club.

18:05Our club, you know, you see.

18:07But, well, you know, I mean, see, it was a bit of trouble, Johnny, you know.

18:10I mean, I must emphasise that, you see.

18:12And, matter of fact, I gave the old shrapnel wound, nasty bang, and up there, you know.

18:16Up your flu.

18:18Yes, yes, that's right.

18:19But I did it for the club, Johnny, you know, yes.

18:21Did I tell you that I'd applied to join the club again?

18:25Yes, you did mention it.

18:27Yes, not, of course, that the two things are correlated.

18:29No, no, no.

18:30I mean, the fact of my going to all that trouble to bring the cup back, you see,

18:33it's got absolutely nothing to do with my 17th application, did you?

18:37No, no, no, Mr. Potter.

18:38I think I can assure you the committee will view this application favourably.

18:42Oh, what a wonderful surprise.

18:43Johnny, I come here to bring the cup back, and you give me this lovely surprise.

18:46Now, what can I say, lad?

18:47Rocking tans all round, can't say further than that, can we?

18:50Ah, Fred.

18:51Ah, Mr. Hedges.

18:52I'm sorry, I've just been in touch with the school,

18:54and I'm afraid your cup has been stolen again.

18:56No, no, no, no, no, Mr. Potter's just brought it back.

18:59Oh, well done, Potter.

19:01Oh, well, that's marvellous.

19:02Well, fine, yeah, well, that's one fish back in the basket.

19:05Well, I must go.

19:06Won't you stay for a drink?

19:07No, I must panic.

19:08I'm all in the young girl.

19:09She's run off, and we've got half the school looking for her.

19:11I'm really pleased about the cup.

19:12The last time I saw it, it was on the staff room table.

19:14See you later.

19:17So, Mr. Potter, on the staff room table.

19:21Yes, well, Johnny, the table does run very close to my flu, you see.

19:26Good night, Mr. Potter.

19:29Eh?

19:29Well, look, wouldn't you like to hear a joke?

19:31By Darrell Wilson.

19:41Oh, I'm sure it's fine.

19:43Ticket's out.

19:46Maureen!

19:46What?

19:47Go get up.

19:48No, I don't see.

19:49Let's go, Ty.

19:50My aunt is.

19:52I've really got to go and see him.

19:53Ted, Ted!

19:54Ted, you're understanding.

20:04Hey!

20:10Maureen!

20:13Maureen!

20:18Maureen!

20:19Oh, I'm sorry.

20:21I'm sorry.

20:22I'm sorry.

20:29Let's go.

21:13I can't stay, Hermione, really.

21:15We're all out looking for someone, see?

21:17It is important.

21:18Oh, what a shame.

21:20I thought the two of us could just have a quiet evening

21:23with Mummy and Daddy away for the weekend.

21:26Yeah.

21:28Mummy and Daddy are away for the weekend, eh?

21:30Yes.

21:31And my idiot brother's off on another of his arguses.

21:33I thought it would be super.

21:36Yeah, it would be.

21:38Handsome.

21:38Still.

21:39Mind you, we ain't short-handed.

21:41I mean, I don't think they've missed me that much.

21:43Super.

21:45It's the, um, butler buttled off for the night and all, is he?

21:48House to ourselves.

21:50Super.

21:51Yeah.

21:54This, uh, idiot brother, I mean,

21:56he's not likely to burst in with a shotgun

21:58and ruin our train of thought, is he?

22:00No, I told you.

22:02Dorian's running off to Cornwall with some girl again.

22:05In that case, Hermione,

22:07I must warn you that this is the point in the proceedings

22:09when my primitive upbringing comes to the surface.

22:15Dorian, did you say?

22:17Yes.

22:17Oh, my God.

22:18How long have they been gone?

22:20Oh, he said he was meeting her at eight by the candle factory.

22:23Blast.

22:23Still got time.

22:24Hey, never mind him.

22:25What about me?

22:26I'm sorry, Hermione,

22:27but in the words of Charles Atlas,

22:29it is a far, far better thing what I do now

22:30than what I've ever done.

22:32If I've got the wrong Dorian,

22:34I'll cut my bleeding throat.

23:00Sir, could you, could you follow the red car, sir?

23:02Is it more in, is it the red sports car, yes?

23:07Oh, my God.

23:08Maureen.

23:10Oh, Maureen.

23:12Yes, sir?

23:14Maureen.

23:16You didn't go?

23:18No.

23:19He didn't make me take that cup of suggestive at all.

23:21He just wanted to sell it.

23:23And anyway...

23:25Sir!

23:26All right, Maureen.

23:28All right.

23:30Oh, thank goodness he stopped her.

23:32Well, she made up her own mind, didn't you, Maureen?

23:35Well, that's the first sensible thing you've done for weeks.

23:37I'll never forgive you if you've put little Hermione's fire out.

23:40Come on, let's have a cup of tea, eh?

23:41Yeah.

23:44Do you think they'll ever forgive me, sir?

23:45Do you think they'll ever have me back?

23:47Look, are you coming or not?

23:49Does that answer your question?

23:51Oh, yeah.

23:52Yes, please.

23:52Yeah, Maureen.

23:56You're in our form, aren't you?

23:57Are you coming?

23:58All right, thanks very much, Duffy.

24:00Yeah, I reckon we should have tomorrow off after this, look.

24:02Well, you might just as well.

24:03The rest of the staff will probably be in Cornwall by now.

Category

Transcript

Comments

Recommended