- 6 minutes ago
First broadcast 8th January 1972.
Miss Petting has started a dance class and is trying to teach the class a new dance, but it's all too old fashioned for them.
Deryck Guyler - Norman Potter
Noel Howlett - Mr. Cromwell
Joan Sanderson - Doris Ewell
Richard Davies - Mr. Price
Erik Chitty - Mr. Smith
Vivienne Martin - Miss Petting
Bernard Holley - Mr. Hurst
Barry McCarthy - Terry Stringer
Charles Bolton - Godber
Billy Hamon - Des
Drina Pavlovic - Celia
Rosemary Faith - Daisy
Miss Petting has started a dance class and is trying to teach the class a new dance, but it's all too old fashioned for them.
Deryck Guyler - Norman Potter
Noel Howlett - Mr. Cromwell
Joan Sanderson - Doris Ewell
Richard Davies - Mr. Price
Erik Chitty - Mr. Smith
Vivienne Martin - Miss Petting
Bernard Holley - Mr. Hurst
Barry McCarthy - Terry Stringer
Charles Bolton - Godber
Billy Hamon - Des
Drina Pavlovic - Celia
Rosemary Faith - Daisy
Category
📺
TVTranscript
00:00.
00:39Yes, John. Yes. Squash at 8.30. Lovely. And what at 10.30?
00:51All right, I'll see you then. What? Oh, you know I do. Oh, it sounds so silly. Oh, all right.
01:03As much as there are grains of sand in the Sahara.
01:09And what about you? As much as there are stars in the firmament over John. Bye, John.
01:21There you are, Smithy. I told you that Nelson Eddy and Janet MacDonald were still going together.
01:26Jealous, Mr. Price?
01:28Aye, no. I never fancied Nelson Eddy anyway.
01:31No, no, no, no, Price. He was the fellow. You'd hardly be enamoured of a Mountie.
01:36Oh, I don't know. They always got their mind, didn't they?
01:39Yes. We are getting desperate, aren't we?
01:42Oh, hello, eh? Badmington with old Randy Sibley? Hey, poof.
01:46Squash with old Randy Sibley.
01:50Is that a statement or just wishful thinking?
01:53A huge totem pole, I remember. Eh?
01:57A huge totem pole. The Indians danced round. In Rosemary.
02:02And that was the film in which Nelson Eddy played a... a... a... a... a... a marky.
02:06Oh, yes. And Doris played the totem pole.
02:10Good night, Mr. Price.
02:12Night, Doris.
02:13Good night, Miss Hewell.
02:15Oh, eh, try to trap him in the corner.
02:17That's the secret of squash.
02:19Good night, Mr. Smith.
02:22Now, I promise you children that this is going to be the most tremendous fun.
02:26No, the dance we are going to learn is called Stop the Lamb from Straying.
02:32What is the name of the dance altogether?
02:35Stop the Lamb from Straying.
02:39Now, who's going to be the lamb?
02:42I'll be the lamb, then.
02:45Now, how are we going to keep Miss Petting from straying?
02:48Tie our legs together.
02:51No, we are going to build a wittle fence.
02:54We already have our posts.
02:57One, two, three, four, five, six.
02:59Bingo.
03:01And the girls will weave in and out to keep Miss Lamb from straying.
03:05Come along, girls. Follow me.
03:07We wattle in and out.
03:10Wattle out again.
03:12In and out, out and in.
03:14You must try to help me, please.
03:16I can't be the lamb and the fence. I can't.
03:19It's bloody door.
03:21If you're not careful, Gibbons, I'll put your name in the naughty book.
03:24You what?
03:26All right.
03:27Let's pretend we've made our fence.
03:31Come along, girls.
03:32Into the circle.
03:32That's the spirit.
03:34Now comes the really exciting and funny part.
03:38The lamb wants to get out, but the fence won't let her.
03:43Who's going to be the lamb this time?
03:46You are.
03:48I'll be the lamb, then.
03:50But you must play your part, or else you won't see how the dance works out.
03:56The lamb can't get out.
03:59The lamb can't get out.
04:01Oh, no, dear.
04:02No, no, no, no, no.
04:04You're supposed to stop me getting out.
04:06Please, bloody door.
04:08Yeah, right, it is.
04:09I think you're all very rude and very horrid.
04:12I thought boys and girls of today like dancing.
04:14We do, but this is the sort we like.
04:16Yeah!
04:18Stop it, stop it.
04:21I love it.
04:22I love it.
04:23I love it.
04:28Oh, lovely.
04:29Oh, sorry, sweetie.
04:30I'll probably like dancing with another fella anyway.
04:46Are you all right, love?
04:48Don't look.
04:49I'm all puffy.
04:50Puffy?
04:51Well, how would you feel if you had to be the lamb and the fence?
04:55Puffy.
04:57Look, Miss Petting, what is your first name?
05:01Gloria.
05:03Gloria.
05:04You can't expect to tease that lot country dancing.
05:07But I'm music and movement.
05:09Well, why don't you try slaughter on 10th Avenue?
05:11Only you do the slaughtering.
05:12Don't let them get you down.
05:13I'm developing a muscular spasm in my left eye.
05:16Why don't you go home and relax?
05:18Take a bubble bath or something.
05:20And then what?
05:20Just sit there in that stupid room,
05:22listening to the sound of my own stupid voice?
05:25Isn't there a him at all?
05:26Boo!
05:28I'm sorry.
05:31Look, I'll tell you what.
05:33Why don't you come and have dinner with me to...
05:36I can't!
05:38Well, I could.
05:40I was only saying that.
05:41I'm sorry.
05:43Yes, I'd love to.
05:44That's my girl.
05:48Well, I'll just knit back to the staff room and ring the wife
05:50and tell her to stick an extra brace of pheasants in the oven.
05:53Oh, bubbles.
05:56Hello, miss.
05:57Don't talk to me like that, you rude little thing.
05:59What?
05:59Oh, I'm sorry.
06:02What is it, Daisy?
06:05Can I ask you an intimate question, miss?
06:08Y-E-S, spelled yes.
06:11Well, if you're playing like me, how do you get, fellas?
06:20Oh, record cards.
06:22I hate them.
06:23I hate this bloody job.
06:24If we turned you over and played the other side, Mr. Price,
06:27would there be any chance of hearing a different tune?
06:29Yes, this bloody job I hate.
06:32Good Lord.
06:33Look at that.
06:34Does O'Reilly sound like a Jewish name to you, Price?
06:38Well, I wouldn't exactly say it was redolent of Zionism.
06:41Yeah, because he's always absent on Jewish holidays.
06:45Is that Garfield O'Reilly?
06:46That's right, Hurst.
06:47He's from Barbados.
06:49Oh.
06:49Well, can you have a Jewish Barbadian Irishman?
06:53Well, we've got one in this school.
06:55Right, investigate, Mr. Smith.
06:57Yes, yes.
07:03I bet you all will wonder what I've got under my arm.
07:06Tulcum powder.
07:08You know, this must be wrong.
07:11According to this date of birth,
07:12we have a third former who is 58.
07:16Eaten up with curiosity, aren't you?
07:18No.
07:20Natural aptitude juggling.
07:23I might tell you, Miss Yorval,
07:24the curiosity killed the cat.
07:27Can you recommend anything for doing the same to schoolkeepers?
07:30Well, blow the lot of you.
07:32Don't be interested in the greatest Chinese musical since Kismet.
07:37What's that got to do with us, anyway?
07:39What's he got to do?
07:40For your information, Mr. Greenhorn O'Reilly,
07:42my headmaster is going to be the prima donna.
07:46Oh, nice.
07:48All right.
07:49How do you spell O'Reilly?
07:50P-O-T-T-E-R.
07:52P-O-T-T-E-R.
07:54Oh, very funny.
07:55Yes, well, I hope you're all still laughing
07:57when you're banned from seeing this, you know.
08:00Oh, heavens, it's in the school hall.
08:02Oh, bloody hell.
08:04Silencio, sir.
08:05Silencio, now, now, now, now,
08:06for this sort of chatter, get down to work.
08:08What do you think we're doing, Morris?
08:10These record cards will take a week at least.
08:12Ah, yes, but this is something much more vital, Norman.
08:14Notebook rampant.
08:15Thoughts.
08:16Your name's in here, you know.
08:19Now, how best to deploy your talents for the task in hand.
08:23Now, Miss Yorval will be, um,
08:25Usheret, Mr. Smith-Curtains,
08:28Mr. Price...
08:29Upsent.
08:29Mr. Price-Programs,
08:31Mr. Hurst-Gentlemen's Coakroom.
08:33Oh, nice.
08:35Told you you wouldn't see it, didn't I?
08:37Now, where's Miss Petting?
08:38I want her in my wardrobe.
08:39Never mind, Miss Petting.
08:41Potter, give me that book.
08:43Do try and remember what you've been told, Miss Yorval, please.
08:47You are Usheretting, sir.
08:49Hey!
08:52Miss Yorval, is this some sort of irate symbolism?
08:55Yes.
08:56And it means that you and the rest of your strolling players
08:59can produce this fiasco yourselves.
09:01This is a school, Headmaster,
09:03not the Doily Cart Opera Company,
09:05and we are teachers,
09:06not Usherettes and lavatory attendants.
09:08Yeah, yeah.
09:09Stripper, sir.
09:10What did you say?
09:12Okay, right, sir.
09:13You on.
09:13You can, you know.
09:14No, no, no.
09:14I will not descend to bestialism,
09:17even in the face of mob rioting.
09:19No.
09:20Now, does Miss Yorval speak for all of you?
09:22Aye.
09:23Yes, yes, yes.
09:24I see.
09:25Very well, then.
09:26I will withdraw with head held high.
09:29But I must remind you
09:31that it hurts when your crutch gives way.
09:36Oh, look what you've done.
09:37You've made him split his trousers.
09:43Come on, Celia.
09:45Shall we care you give me goose pimples?
09:47Oh, shut up, Hank.
09:48I'm guessing no-one else will have had me dinner.
09:58Hello, Miss.
09:58What?
10:00What do you want?
10:01Just wondered if you felt any better
10:03after you had your owl yesterday.
10:05Thank you, Daisy.
10:06It's, uh, I'm afraid it's rather a deep-seated nervous thing with me.
10:10I know.
10:11Loathe.
10:12Yes, quite.
10:13No.
10:14What?
10:14What?
10:15Girls like us.
10:16You know what I mean?
10:17You always seem to get the one with the runny nose.
10:21Never mind.
10:22Something will turn up.
10:23That's what my dad always says.
10:25Silly, bloody fool he is.
10:32Hello.
10:33I see she's on the building.
10:34Yeah, wouldn't have thought she'd have had to have bothered me self.
10:37I'll get my naughty book out, I will.
10:41Oh, you're not dead.
10:55There we go.
10:58Ah, there we are.
11:00Ein Gang frei.
11:03Ah, bonjour, mon cher Miss Petting.
11:08Would it be possible for me to talk to you, sir?
11:11No, it isn't, is it?
11:12I have picked a bad moment, haven't I?
11:14Yes, I'll come back, but I would like to talk to you.
11:17No, no, no, no, no, no.
11:18Even in the midst of private grief, I am still ready to listen to other people's problems.
11:23Come in, come in.
11:30Oh, do sit down.
11:36Now, then.
11:38Headmaster, I'm so unhappy.
11:40You see before you a very unhappy man.
11:43It's not just the country dancing.
11:45It's more an accumulation of things.
11:48It's not just the micado.
11:49It's the way the insults heap up.
11:51Exactly.
11:52That innuendo about my tablets was so hurtful.
11:56Oh, it must have been.
11:58You know, I lent Smithy a pair of socks two years ago because his feet were cold.
12:02This is how he repays me.
12:03Dreadful.
12:04Oh, I know I'm a bit, well, Beatrix Potter.
12:08Oh, I love her.
12:09What a very manly thing to say.
12:11Oh, yes.
12:12Squirrel Nutkin, Jeremy Fisher.
12:14But it's Doris who offends me.
12:15You know, she tore up my list.
12:18You see, I've come to a stage where I'm not sure if I can carry on.
12:21I often think that I must leave Fen Street, but then I consider how much they need me here.
12:27Oh, you're very lucky, headmaster.
12:29Nobody seems to need me.
12:31I need you.
12:33Need?
12:33Me?
12:35How?
12:35Or why?
12:36Er, because you have such very kind eyes.
12:40Do I?
12:41Do I really?
12:42Yes.
12:43Yes.
12:44One may appear to be the Iron Chancellor, but one does need kindness.
12:49Oh, doesn't one just?
12:51I'm simply marshmallow underneath.
12:54My favourite sweet.
12:56Miss Petting, are you Virgo?
12:59Yes.
13:00I'm Ares the ram.
13:02Oh.
13:04Do you know something?
13:05No.
13:06What?
13:07Oh, I've forgotten what we were talking about.
13:09It was me.
13:10I came crying to you with all my problems, but you were so kind.
13:14And with all the burdens you have to bear, I feel terribly selfish.
13:18Atlas never dropped his globe.
13:19I must sustain whatever fate chooses to heap upon me.
13:23I would listen, if you'd like to tell me.
13:26I would listen.
13:28My dear Miss Petting.
13:30Gloria.
13:32Gloria.
13:33And we're here.
14:04All right, I mean, Hillary's a good full-back, but I mean, Barry John's boy, well, he's a genius, isn't
14:09he?
14:09Of course, he's Welsh, you know, and that does make a difference.
14:14Hang on, Pricey, I think we've come the wrong way. We've strayed into Norman Hartnell's.
14:17Oh, hang on a minute. No, you're right in one thing, you know.
14:20Oh, yes. Norman Hartnell is an actor, you know, and this is now an actor's dressing room, you see.
14:25Not while there's still a lead in my pencil, it isn't. Now get this junk out of here!
14:29Come on, get it out of here! Don't you, don't you, don't you, don't you, don't you touch that, right?
14:33You move that wheel one more kilogram, and I'll have your kitchen off the rest of the table.
14:39Just how much of the school are you going to use up anyway? The hall's full of chairs, there's even
14:43scenery in my classroom.
14:44Ah, quality stuff too, you know. Oh, yes, we used it last year, you know, for the, uh, uh, what
14:49was it?
14:50What, the, uh, the Yeoman of the Garb? Yes.
14:52I wonder what a sentrybox was doing painted on the micado's palace.
14:55Ah, so, Potter time!
14:58What was that about my heating?
14:59No, no, Pricey Dog.
15:00Oh, I...
15:01Ah!
15:02No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no.
15:04Die, Potter!
15:06Ah!
15:09It's a real one!
15:12Oh, yeah.
15:12Yeah, you could have, like, a touch-up agitated me, though.
15:16Oh, well, thank goodness there's no Harry Curry in this production.
15:19Oh.
15:19Unless Cromwell does it.
15:21Hello.
15:22Oh, look, costumes, aren't they lovely?
15:24We wattle in and out, we wattle out in the air.
15:27Ah!
15:28What a lovely day.
15:30I've put on weight, you know.
15:32Put on weight?
15:34Hey, that's since Cromwell's been chatting her up.
15:36Ooh, there's a naughty Miss Petty.
15:41You smut munger.
15:42Eh?
15:43Give over, Pricey.
15:44You've got a minute who's brought the roses back to her cheeks.
15:47I am for why?
15:48Because she's the only one blind enough to help him with his pantomime.
15:51I'm helping also, you know.
15:53Oh, are you?
15:54Oh, yes.
15:55Ahem.
15:56And what's more, you know, I have my eyes wide open.
15:59Oh, have you?
16:00Yes.
16:00Ha, ha, ha.
16:01Oh, God.
16:04There you see.
16:06Japan comprises four major islands.
16:10The capital, Tokyo, is here on one shoe.
16:15Oh, goodness.
16:16Where the dude?
16:18They're crazy and we called him.
16:20Ha, ha, ha.
16:21Yeah.
16:21Here, Daisy.
16:23Yeah?
16:23We're going to bring your fella to the concert tonight.
16:25Oh, Celia, aren't you thoughtful?
16:28Well, who is he?
16:29His name's Krishna.
16:30Krishna.
16:31Does he come from the mysterious Himalayas?
16:34No, Birmingham.
16:35Me family might work out this marriage between him and me sister.
16:39Your sister?
16:40But she's only five.
16:42Yeah.
16:42He'd have to take his wife to school before he went to work in the mornings.
16:46No, it would only be like a paper marriage.
16:49We won't live together or nothing till she grew up.
16:51Oh, I don't know.
16:52I don't think my mum would like me coming between man and wife.
16:56Yeah, but nothing's been fixed yet.
16:59Oh, go on, Daisy.
17:00I don't want to get stuck with him.
17:03Because I'm going with Neil Tuck.
17:04Oh, that tall boy who's dirty at football?
17:07Yeah, ever so dirty.
17:09Oh, you're welcome, then.
17:10I'll have the prince.
17:12I don't think he's a prince.
17:13His dad runs a spice emporium.
17:16Come on.
17:17Daisy Pratt from Kimberley Buildings going out with a prince.
17:22Howdy, Daisy.
17:23Yeah, I've got a class with you.
17:24Miss, I must just tell you, you know our intimate conversation.
17:28Yes.
17:29Well, I'm off the shelf, isn't I?
17:30I've got a date this evening.
17:32So have I.
17:33Yeah, but mine's with a prince.
17:36So is mine.
17:43Oh.
17:44Yeah.
17:58Oh, what's the fault?
17:59Is anybody there?
18:01I'm sorry, Mr Smith.
18:03Oh, my leg.
18:05Oh.
18:06So sorry.
18:08There's something wrong in this room.
18:11Something wrong with this whole school, Mr Smith.
18:13And his name is Cromwell.
18:15My chair.
18:17Somebody's moved my chair.
18:18You sound like one of the three bears.
18:20Well, really, I mean, no sense of values left in the world these days.
18:25A chap's chair has been in the same place for years,
18:27and he comes into the room and finds it moved.
18:30Oh.
18:32Vandals.
18:33Vandals.
18:34My chair has been desecrated.
18:37It's just a chair.
18:38Not Westminster Abbey.
18:40If ever I find the culprit, I shall demand his immediate expulsion.
18:44Oh, for heaven's sake.
18:46It is Mr Price.
18:47Oh, treacherous celt.
18:49In, out, out, in English.
18:51Oh, Miss Petty, how would you feel if you'd known a chap for years and then he slashed at your
18:58upholstery?
18:59Cut to the quick.
19:02First Price and then you.
19:04I don't know what the younger generation is coming to.
19:07Oh, cheer up, Pops.
19:08Pops!
19:10A little respect, please, Miss Petty.
19:12I am so sorry.
19:13Only I'm so happy I'm bursting.
19:16Well, wouldn't you be if the headmaster had stuck a reserved notice on your seat for this evening?
19:22Oh, I see.
19:23Oh, so do I.
19:25What?
19:26What do you see?
19:27Well, I warn you advisedly, Miss Petting.
19:30Beware.
19:31After all, Miss Yule was once the headmaster's plaything.
19:34I was not!
19:37Then why did you water his rubber plant every morning?
19:40Well, I was young.
19:42I was impressionable.
19:44Only last year, that was.
19:46What are you trying to tell me?
19:49Well, the headmaster's affections, Miss Petting, are, to say the least, a bit, er...
19:54Well, take this Mikado nonsense.
19:57Has he asked you to do any of the donkey work so far?
20:01No.
20:02He will.
20:04Ah, Miss Petting.
20:05Gloria.
20:06Oh, how pretty you look.
20:10Sir Jesper!
20:13I hope we're going to have the pleasure this evening.
20:16I wouldn't miss it for anything.
20:17Hmm, splendid, splendid.
20:19You should get an excellent view from where you'll be standing.
20:22Standing?
20:23Yes.
20:23Oh, didn't I tell you, after you've made me up, I want you to come and pull up and down
20:26the
20:26curtain.
20:29Er, will you be out front this evening, Miss Yule?
20:32Oh, yes.
20:33You'll be able to pick me out quite easily.
20:35I shall be in the front row.
20:40Throwing tomatoes.
20:42Thank you very much, please.
20:45Programmes.
20:46Programmes.
20:47Oh, thank you, sir.
20:48Now, that's, er, D, five and six, sir.
20:50Just, er, the fifth ball bar on the left, sir.
20:53Thank you very much.
20:54Now, come along, dear.
20:55Come along.
20:55Don't hang around.
20:56The artists are not giving their autographs until after the show.
20:59What artists?
21:00Well, my headmaster, er, Mrs. Noakes and Meals on Wheels.
21:04Need I say more?
21:05Don't impress me.
21:07I'm waiting for a prince.
21:08Oh, what's that?
21:10The name of your Alsatian, is it?
21:11No!
21:13He's Indian and his name's Krishna and he'll probably have jewels and his hat and everything.
21:18Alsatian, dear.
21:19I'll say to you.
21:20I'll say to you.
21:20Ahem.
21:20Curse, dear.
21:21Curse.
21:21Ah, good evening, my liege, the mayor.
21:24Ah, ah, ah, ah.
21:25Ah, ah, ah.
21:25Ah, ah, ah.
21:26Ah, ah.
21:27Ah, ah.
21:28Ah, ah, ah.
21:28Ah, ah, ah.
21:30Ah, ah, ah.
21:31Ah, ah, ah.
21:41You don't think this will run, do you, and make my eyes smart?
21:47No.
21:50But it does make me look authentically oriental.
21:53Yes.
21:55But it doesn't hide my identity.
21:58No.
21:59No.
22:00They will, the audience, will recognise me.
22:04Yes.
22:05Ah.
22:08Gloria, Miss, Miss Petting, you, you don't.
22:10You're being quite your usual sunny self.
22:12Is anything wrong?
22:13No.
22:14Ah, well, my public is waiting for me, and I've never disappointed anyone.
22:19Miss Gigolo.
22:21Oh.
22:22Er, Miss Petting, Gloria, are you doing anything on Saturday morning?
22:28Why?
22:29Do you want me to sweep the stage?
22:31Oh, no, you can do that tonight.
22:33No, I want you to come with me to a flower show.
22:36Me?
22:37I?
22:38Yes.
22:39It's only local, but, you know, sometimes an affair in a single marquee can be great fun.
22:45Oh, headmaster.
22:47You don't want me to make the teas or anything.
22:49No, no, no.
22:50I just want you to put all the other blooms to shame.
22:53Oh, headmaster.
22:54Oh, headmaster.
22:55Morris.
22:56Morris.
22:58Enter.
23:00Over to unbeginner, sir.
23:02You're public awaiting.
23:02Thank you, Norman.
23:08You know, I think I'm going to sing as I have never sung before.
23:13If you want to know who we are, two, three, four, five, if you do-do-do-do, we are...
23:19Oh, if you sing like that, sir, I shall not be responsible if the audience go mad.
23:29Hello, Daisy.
23:30Has your date arrived yet?
23:31No, it's yours.
23:32Oh, yes.
23:33I've just been helping him with his make-up.
23:40Oh, Celia, did you bring him?
23:42Yeah, I did.
23:42Oh, Smashing, where is he?
23:44Me, I'll bring Christian around.
23:50Oh, Celia!
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