- 22 hours ago
First broadcast 20th September 1969.
The new school term begins and the staff are confronted with a few changes.
John Alderton - Bernard Hedges
Deryck Guyler - Norman Potter
Noel Howlett - Mr. Cromwell
Joan Sanderson - Doris Ewell
Richard Davies - Mr. Price
Erik Chitty - Mr. Smith
David Barry - Frankie Abbott
Peter Cleall - Eric Duffy
Peter Denyer - Dennis Dunstable
Liz Gebhardt - Maureen Bullock
Malcolm McFee - Peter Craven
Penny Spencer - Sharon Eversleigh
Geoffrey Hughes - Mr. Turner
Neil Wilson - The Bookmaker
George Georghiou - Pupil in brown jacket
Kristin Hatfield - Pupil in patterned dress
Gregory Scott - Mr. Wyatt
The new school term begins and the staff are confronted with a few changes.
John Alderton - Bernard Hedges
Deryck Guyler - Norman Potter
Noel Howlett - Mr. Cromwell
Joan Sanderson - Doris Ewell
Richard Davies - Mr. Price
Erik Chitty - Mr. Smith
David Barry - Frankie Abbott
Peter Cleall - Eric Duffy
Peter Denyer - Dennis Dunstable
Liz Gebhardt - Maureen Bullock
Malcolm McFee - Peter Craven
Penny Spencer - Sharon Eversleigh
Geoffrey Hughes - Mr. Turner
Neil Wilson - The Bookmaker
George Georghiou - Pupil in brown jacket
Kristin Hatfield - Pupil in patterned dress
Gregory Scott - Mr. Wyatt
Category
📺
TVTranscript
00:00To be continued...
01:00Good morning.
01:01Good morning.
01:02No, no, no, sit down, sit down.
01:05Well, staff, we all went our several prodigal ways during the holidays,
01:09and now we're together again.
01:10I think I can best sum up what we're all feeling by saying,
01:13Welcome home.
01:15Bloody hell.
01:17A new term, a new challenge.
01:19How are we going to deal with it?
01:21Massacre the kids.
01:22The point I want to hammer home to...
01:26Monsieur.
01:31Mr Smith.
01:33Monsieur.
01:34Would you be kind enough to distribute these?
01:36Oh, yes, yes.
01:37By all means.
01:38Second edition Mein Kampf.
01:41Well, did this incident really occur in the changing room?
01:44I said distribute, not discuss.
01:46Oh, I'm so sorry.
01:47Yes, of course.
01:48Now, when you finally get a copy...
01:51Sorry.
01:52...you'll discover that the headmaster and I have listed several of last term's more distasteful episodes,
01:57which have brought Fenstreet into bad odour with head office.
02:01B.O.
02:01They will not recur.
02:05There appear to be two copies over, Monsieur.
02:08Oh, well, I shall need one, shan't I?
02:10And we all know to whom the other belongs, don't we?
02:13And finally, let us all do our utmost to ensure that this term, the headmaster gets the backing he so richly deserves.
02:33Oh, that was very sweet of you, Doris.
02:35Very...
02:35Oh, oh, Doris, Mimi.
02:37Mimi, headmaster.
02:38Yes, Mimi, now Boheme, your tiny hand is frozen.
02:41Oh, tiny hand.
02:45It's enough to make you puke.
02:48What was that, Mr. Price?
02:49Oh, yes, yes, yes, Mr. Potter.
02:51I think he has the word for us.
02:53I have indeed, sir.
02:54Yes, yes, I have.
02:57Toilets.
02:57Hmm?
02:58Yes.
02:59Now, this last term for me has been one long series of blockages.
03:03Oh, dear.
03:04So, with the headmaster's permission, I'm going to ask each member of the staff if they will kindly take one of these as they file out.
03:11May one be permitted to ask why?
03:16So that when a kid wants to go and have a, if he excused, his form teacher will issue him with no more than five sheets.
03:23Now, this should cut down my plunger time considerably.
03:28How very ingenious.
03:29Thank you, sir.
03:30Now, uh, explain to me, me walls.
03:34Yes, as you can conceive, I've had the painters in over the holidays, so would members of the staff please try to ensure that the kids keep their mucky hands off my surface?
03:43I'm sorry I'm late.
03:45Oh, well, the family's now complete.
03:46The idiot son's arrived.
03:48Come here.
03:49It's a bigot.
03:50Come on.
03:51Come on.
03:51Come on.
03:52Oh, for it.
03:54Yeah, yeah.
03:54Look, come here.
03:56They're rumpid colours, aren't they?
03:59I reckon if we had psychedelic walls, I'd be strong, Lord.
04:03Right.
04:03Godmunks are ready.
04:04Give me this, then.
04:05And I'm your one.
04:06I'd be specially sharpened in the holidays, Peter Craven.
04:09Ooh.
04:10What's psychedelic, Maureen?
04:12Well, it's just a word, really, Dennis.
04:14For what word?
04:15Well, psychedelic.
04:17Oh.
04:18Want to know what job I'd done in the holidays?
04:21No.
04:22I was a private detective, weren't I?
04:23Gil, you couldn't detect a gas leak with a lighted man.
04:27I was?
04:28Well, insurance investigator, actually.
04:30It's the same thing, isn't it?
04:31Yeah.
04:31I did see Frankie with an insurance bloke.
04:34When was this, then?
04:34He'd come round our house with a mutuality match.
04:38What was you investigating, Frankie, if a den's mother paid her half-crown?
04:42Eh?
04:43I might have been.
04:44Then again.
04:45I might have been doing something else, mightn't I?
04:47Yes.
04:47Shut up!
04:51Ah!
04:52You did very well to get the school painted during the holidays, Mr. Potter.
04:55Very nice.
04:56Yes, yes.
04:57All finished now, I know.
04:59Except for one room.
05:12Now, sit down.
05:13Well, er, good morning, 5C.
05:23Morning, sir.
05:25Well, welcome back, and straight down to it, I think.
05:28The register.
05:28Hey, sir.
05:29I've done a register for you.
05:30Yes, quite legally, too.
05:36And I took the liberty of dealing out the books personally, sir.
05:39You took the liberty of dealing...
05:41Are you feeling quite well, Craven?
05:42Yes, thanks.
05:43Good.
05:45Right.
05:46Well, there's the preliminaries over.
05:48Right, and we'll shoot our phone.
05:49Give us a ring if you want this ring.
05:50Sit down, all of you.
05:54Sit down.
06:01Now, I'm sorry to disappoint you, but the ten-minute working day has not yet come to Fen Street.
06:06Well, you ain't expecting us to exercise our intellectuality under this sort of stress.
06:10What stress?
06:11Come to think of it, what intellectuality?
06:13Him!
06:14Oh, Rembrandt.
06:15Looking over our shoulder all the time.
06:17Duffy!
06:18Now, I'm very sorry about this, Mr. Rembrandt.
06:23I'm not really.
06:24Rembrandt Turner's the name.
06:27Oh, er, how do you do?
06:29Don't bother about me.
06:34You just carry on.
06:36Um, go on, learn them something.
06:39Yes, yes, we've all got our separate jobs to do, haven't we?
06:44Right.
06:45Can I have a little whisper to you, sir, please?
06:47Ah, yes.
06:49Yes, what is it, Maureen?
06:50Well, something happened to me in the holidays.
06:55Um, come out here for a moment, will you?
06:59Now, er, now, Maureen, exactly what happened?
07:07I matured.
07:09Did you?
07:11I realise now that all that business between you and me last term was just puppy love.
07:16Well, we all grow through it, Maureen.
07:19Yeah, was there something?
07:22This term's going to be different, sir.
07:24Well, I'm very pleased to hear it, Maureen.
07:26Now I know it's a real thing.
07:29Oh, God, are the princes of power, Salvador.
07:55Except thanks from thy supplicant, Vaughan, our price, known affectionately to his class, a stinker.
08:03Who?
08:04Oh, muse of the great bar, diolo goch, diolcham vaurichi.
08:09I'm so sorry, price old man.
08:11I didn't realise you were at your devotions.
08:14Oh, that's all right, Smithy.
08:16I was just giving thanks to my pagan gods.
08:18Oh, what for?
08:20For getting around Doris Rotten, you are.
08:22I'm not taking 5C for maths this term.
08:25Concentrating on the kids who are taking GCE, I am.
08:27Oh, the cream, eh?
08:28Ah, even if it is a bit clotted.
08:32But who is taking 5C?
08:35It's not...
08:35They wouldn't ask me.
08:36I mean, my metabolic...
08:37Don't dab a coronary boy off.
08:42It's Hedges.
08:44Oh.
08:44There's a little man on the top of the cliff here.
08:51This is the cliff.
08:54There's a couple of seagulls in the sky to give it a bit of atmosphere.
09:00Clouds.
09:00There we are.
09:01A bit of grass on the top of that cliff.
09:03And there's the boat.
09:05See?
09:05So, you see, if we know how high the little man is on the top of the cliff in feet,
09:11we can also work out the distance of his horizon in miles.
09:18What if he fell off the cliff?
09:21Well, he wouldn't fall off the cliff, would he, Dennis?
09:25Supposing it was a foggy day?
09:26What if he was short-sighted?
09:29It's a perfectly clear day.
09:31The man does not wear glasses, nor does he suffer from vertigo,
09:35so he's not going to fall off the cliff, all right?
09:37That makes it even more boring than it is.
09:41Yes, well, I suppose that it was a bit abstruse.
09:46Now, let's try and bring the subject a bit closer home.
09:52Um, now then, who's got a racing paper?
09:56Racing paper? We're children, haven't we?
09:58Come on, let's have one.
09:59Now, what we're going to do to illustrate the subject
10:05is to apply maths to, say, an accumulator bet,
10:10hypothetically, of course,
10:12on three races at Wincanton this afternoon.
10:19Yes?
10:19You can't do that, sir.
10:20Why not?
10:23When Wincanton's off, you'll have to do Sundown Park.
10:27Right, er, Sundown Park.
10:29They're not jumping races,
10:31cos I think they're cruel.
10:32Yes, so do I.
10:33Make them jockeys jump over them big fences
10:35and see how they like it.
10:37That's what I say.
10:38Well, it's better than maths, innit?
10:39It is maths.
10:40True bit.
10:42Please, sir.
10:42Right.
10:43Well, if you'll all close your mouths
10:44and give your brains a chance, I will.
10:46Now, we're going to be dealing with weights and measures.
10:50That is, the weights of the jockeys
10:51as opposed to the distance of the race in miles and furlongs.
10:55Um, who knows what a furlong is?
10:58Yes, Dennis.
10:59Well, what is a furlong?
11:01I don't know.
11:02I'm doing tic-tac.
11:05Good.
11:06And we shall also be dealing with the odds
11:11and working those out.
11:12Now, these will be our horses.
11:14Um, guards.
11:15Favourite.
11:17Happy Breeze.
11:19And Valadon.
11:21Well, that's a load of old cobblers for a start.
11:24Uh, now look, Mr Turner,
11:25I'm not telling you how to paint your walls, am I?
11:28You would if I was using custard instead of paint.
11:30I mean, I'm only telling you
11:31because them three ain't racehorses.
11:33They're about as lively as three overgrown hamsters.
11:36Doesn't really matter.
11:37Sure, if you're talking about working out odds,
11:39the first ggs don't come in,
11:41you won't have no odds to work out, will you?
11:43Look, that's for the whole point of the exercise.
11:45Um.
11:47All right.
11:49Right.
11:49Um.
11:50Which horses would you choose, Mr Turner?
11:53Right.
11:54Oh.
12:00Oh, ready for the knackers yard, this lot.
12:03Still a good horse on the ground.
12:06What's the weather forecast?
12:07Cats and dogs.
12:08Um, yes, cats and dogs.
12:10Heavy going.
12:12Not with that prune.
12:13Couldn't train a flea.
12:15Still in the up.
12:15Look, couldn't we just...
12:17Ow!
12:17Right.
12:18Right.
12:18Yes.
12:21Right.
12:23Here's your horses.
12:24May I...
12:25Oh, yes.
12:29Air hostess.
12:31Oh.
12:32Air hostess.
12:33That's what you told your Roy.
12:34You were, Shaw.
12:36Packed him in.
12:37Why?
12:37And.
12:38I'm going out with Vic now.
12:40You haven't told him he was an air hostess, have you?
12:43No.
12:43I told him I was a bet.
12:46Here we go, Squire.
12:47Oh, thank you very much.
12:50Uh, now, uh, what I'm going to do to you is to demonstrate how useful mathematics can be
12:56when applied to everyday life.
12:57In other words, applied mathematics.
13:01You see, if we, if we, uh, know the basic principles of multiplication,
13:08we can also work out what we are ultimately going to win from what we initially bet.
13:14Uh, what happens next is that the bell goes before we get very much further.
13:18Oh, yeah!
13:20However, we will return to the problem this afternoon and work out the maths involved.
13:24And may I say, 5C, that you've enabled me to break the time barrier.
13:27How come?
13:28You've made a mere half hour seem like a lifetime.
13:31Oh, how sweet.
13:34That is a brilliant man.
13:36Very brilliant.
13:37Well, you've done all the work.
13:39Look, any bear can do the horses.
13:40Now, that little man on the cliff with his horizon and that.
13:45God, the way he explained himself.
13:48Brilliant.
13:49Brilliant.
13:51Right, walk out your two bobs.
13:52I only got frubbins.
13:54It's all right, then.
13:54I'll bang it in for you.
13:55Yeah, we haven't found privet and had a prison already, are we?
13:57No, but that there on the board is gold done.
14:00Direct from the maestro himself.
14:01Sir said it was only pretend betting.
14:03All right, well, shoot down a pretend betting shot, whack on two pretend quid, and we come
14:08up with a pretend bloody fortune.
14:10Yeah!
14:10Long lunch, wasn't it?
14:40So?
14:41Eh?
14:43Oh, well, nothing.
14:44I was just saying.
14:45Well, now, you know, I was just making conversation, you know.
14:49If that's the best you can do, I wouldn't bother.
14:51Here.
14:51I shall expect you to be finished in my classroom this afternoon, you know.
14:55You can expect quads, for all I care, Mush.
14:58I might get interested in the lessons we're having.
15:00Oh, kid stuff.
15:02Oh, really?
15:03Yeah.
15:03Then can you give me the mathematical formula for working out the distance of your visible
15:08horizon?
15:08Oh, well, you won't.
15:14You don't have visible horizons in dolls, do you?
15:16You don't know, do you?
15:17Yes, I do.
15:18Rubbish.
15:19I'll tell you, if we had more teachers like that, Mr. Edges, we might have made something
15:23of our lives.
15:26What do you think I'm doing in this uniform?
15:29Wasting my bloody time.
15:32Now, if you'll excuse me, I'll see how the kids got on with their accumulator.
15:35Accumulator?
15:36That's how Mr. Edges teaches maths.
15:38Through life.
15:39And betting's in life, isn't it?
15:43Kids?
15:44Betting?
15:46Oh, excuse me, Monsieur.
15:47Monsieur, I think you are the person I should see when vice is imminent.
15:51Now, each one can't get out of the way.
15:55Hello, planning another murder, are we?
15:58No, you know what we've just done.
15:59Oh, he's just working out the odds on that lesson, you know.
16:02Well, that says it to me, that does.
16:04Says what?
16:05It says it is a corroborative fact that your teacher is bleeding clever.
16:09He's kind as well.
16:11Brilliant man, brilliant.
16:13Here he is.
16:19Stan?
16:21Uh, right.
16:24Sit down.
16:28Well, now, I'm beginning to wish I'd put a couple of shillings on our accumulator.
16:35Our first two horses, or rather, Mr. Turner's first two horses, have both won.
16:40Yes, yes.
16:45So, now we've come to the total answer to the problem.
16:48How much would we win if our third horse comes in at 100 to 8?
16:53166 pounds, 13 and 4.
16:55Obvious, isn't it?
16:57And just how did you work out that, Abbott?
17:00In me head.
17:01With, uh, fractions.
17:02I see no visible signs of distress.
17:04Well, Eric actually done it.
17:07Uh, what did you do, Duffy?
17:09Rung up your accountant and got him to work it out for you.
17:11Ah, done it in me, sweet.
17:13Well, explain it to me, then.
17:15Two quid at three to one, that's eight quid, right?
17:17Right.
17:17Uh, no, six pounds.
17:19Three twos are six, Duffy.
17:21No, you get your state money back as well, sir.
17:24Do you?
17:25Good.
17:27Well, carry on, yeah.
17:28Eight quid at six to four on.
17:29Tick-tack, tick-tack.
17:31Yeah, thank you.
17:31Thank you, Dennis.
17:33Eight quid at six to four on, call that two-thirds of what you bet.
17:35Two-thirds of eight quid, that's five pounds, six and eight.
17:37Bless your state, eight quid, that's thirteen pounds, six and eight.
17:39Now, then bung the old lot on at 100 to eight, which, of course, you can call twelve and a half to one.
17:42Thirteen pounds, six and eight at twelve and a half to one, or ten times it plus a quarter, that's 166 pounds, 13 and four.
17:46Bless your state, thirteen pounds, six and eight, that's 180 net.
17:49Yeah, monastery tax, 171 quid.
17:55Well, yeah, I thought you said you couldn't do fractions, Duffy.
17:58They're not fractions, they're odds.
18:02Oh, yes, yes, completely, completely different thing, yes.
18:05Well, that's remarkable.
18:06If only I could apply this system to other subjects.
18:09Still, we can't run a book on who won the Battle of Waterloo, can we?
18:13You mean you do history as well?
18:15Yes, yes, I do.
18:17And English.
18:17Brilliant, man.
18:19Brilliant.
18:22Well, just one thing, Duffy, it's not important, but just why did you choose two pounds as our original steak?
18:29Oh, because two pounds was what we put on.
18:33No, no, no, we didn't actually put any money on, Dennis.
18:36We did.
18:37Look, Eric let me look after the ticket.
18:40Ticket?
18:41What ticket is, er, is that, Dennis?
18:52Well, 5C, you've come up trumps again, haven't you?
18:56You stupid!
18:59Oh, grateful little toe rags.
19:03Exactly.
19:04Now, you will all write out 200 times.
19:06Make it 500.
19:07500 times.
19:10The consequences of persistent dishonesty will only result in ostracism by society.
19:15That's not him.
19:17Listen, you haven't heard the last of this.
19:19I'm going to cancel this bet.
19:21And by the time I come back, you'll wish the stalker dropped you down different chimneys.
19:27Don't worry, squire.
19:29I'll keep them at it.
19:29Now, write, you little muckrakes.
19:32Write what?
19:32What your teacher's just said about ostriches and that.
19:37Up yours, Leonardo.
19:39What?
19:39Got pencil.
19:45Look at pencil.
20:06Take it. I don't care what you do with it.
20:16Paper the walls with it for all I care, but take it.
20:18No, thanks.
20:19You won it, you take it.
20:21I'd rather not if it's all the same to you.
20:24Look, I don't know what you're trying to pull,
20:25but either you take the winnings or I call the police.
20:28But I don't want the money.
20:29You see, I'd rather have lost.
20:31You're kinky.
20:32No, no, I'm not a masochist.
20:34It's just that it's the children's money, you see,
20:37and I don't want them to have it.
20:39Charming. God knows what his wife must go through.
20:42No, no, I'm not married.
20:43You disgust me, you know that?
20:47Oh, let me try and explain myself.
20:49The whole thing started when I tried to give this lesson in...
20:53Oh, no.
20:55Oh, yes.
20:56Who are you? His mother?
20:58I most certainly am not.
21:00No, this lady is my senior mistress.
21:04I love you.
21:09If you wish to walk I could share tomorrow,
21:13you'll find that I am here.
21:14What's necessary?
21:15I always want you.
21:15I don't know.
21:19Oh, no.
21:19Hold on.
21:21No, no, no, no.
21:21I don't know.
21:22Hold on.
21:25Oh, no, no, no.
21:27No, no.
21:28There's noisten.
21:29Oh, no.
21:30Put on.
21:31Well, no.
21:32I know.
21:32What's in these, then?
21:42Bullet notices to our mums and dads?
21:44No, you're winnings.
21:45I think you'll find Miss Yule and I have done the maths correctly.
21:47So if I bought those electric curlers I want, you wouldn't stop me?
21:51You can go and buy yourself an electric chair, for all I care.
21:53I reckon a star would get the chair out, not us.
21:56Yes, you would.
21:57Well, I've just had a rollicking discussion with Miss Yule.
21:59And whether we like it or not, the money is legally yours.
22:04And I don't want it going away, President.
22:06Right.
22:07Eh?
22:07Going away?
22:08Well, you hardly think the GLC is going to employ a schoolmaster who acts as a bookie's runner for his class, do you?
22:14And don't tell me nobody need to know where the money comes from when you start splashing it about on the odd machine gun.
22:19Can't we give it back?
22:20That has been tried.
22:21No, the only way the GLC is likely to turn a blind eye is if you use the money for some charitable purpose.
22:26And that's about as likely as Abbott winning the Nobel Prize.
22:29It's good night.
22:42Morning.
22:43Don't you good morning, me, you and your horses.
22:46You got me into trouble yesterday, you know.
22:48I'll do the decent thing and marry you.
22:50Yes, sir.
22:51What?
22:52I'll know what you tell now.
22:54Yes.
22:54Oh!
22:58I heard about your little ruck yesterday, so I had a little ruck with them monsters of yours meself.
23:02I think you'll like what they're going to do with the money.
23:04My ass.
23:05What have they done?
23:06Bought a half share in the betting shop.
23:08Ah, we took up charitable works, thought you suggested.
23:11What have you done?
23:12Bought a couple of puppies.
23:13Look, have a ear more.
23:14Sorry I'm late, but we had to stop and have a little wee on the way.
23:17Look at his little black button of a nose.
23:21Puppies, that's not charity, that's self-indulgence.
23:24No, it's not.
23:25We're going to have him trained to be a guide dog for the blind when he grows up, aren't we, Dennis?
23:29That's my name, that is.
23:31My idea, though.
23:32Who's?
23:33Eric's.
23:35You know, you're schizophrenic, you lot.
23:39What a very, very excellent thing to do.
23:41But, you know, you've not really thought about it.
23:45I mean, it's going to cost a fortune to have him trained and to feed him over the next few years.
23:50Where on earth are you going to get the money from?
23:51Oh, we've thought of that, Chief.
23:53Sharon?
23:59So, we've got it all worked out, Chief.
24:00We can shove him at Clapton, England, West Ham, Charlton.
24:03Get a nice inside lane, George.
24:05I mean, shoot out the box.
24:06Get out of the lane.
24:11Get out of the lane.
24:42A close car.
24:44A close car.
24:53A close car.
24:54And a close car.
24:58We can shove him at this point.
25:05Get out.
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