- 1 day ago
First broadcast 4th October 1970.
Mr Price gets a week off and the rest of the teachers are not happy about it.
John Alderton - Bernard Hedges
Deryck Guyler - Norman Potter
Noel Howlett - Mr. Cromwell
Joan Sanderson - Doris Ewell
Richard Davies - Mr. Price
Erik Chitty - Mr. Smith
Liz Gebhardt - Maureen Bullock
Penny Spencer - Sharon Eversleigh
Peter Cleall - Eric Duffy
Malcolm McFee - Peter Craven
Peter Denyer - Dennis Dunstable
David Barry - Frankie Abbott
Linda Cunningham - Pupil with long blonde hair
Kristin Hatfield - Pupil
Gregory Scott - Mr. Wyatt
Suzanne Togni - Pupil in sky blue blouse
Mr Price gets a week off and the rest of the teachers are not happy about it.
John Alderton - Bernard Hedges
Deryck Guyler - Norman Potter
Noel Howlett - Mr. Cromwell
Joan Sanderson - Doris Ewell
Richard Davies - Mr. Price
Erik Chitty - Mr. Smith
Liz Gebhardt - Maureen Bullock
Penny Spencer - Sharon Eversleigh
Peter Cleall - Eric Duffy
Malcolm McFee - Peter Craven
Peter Denyer - Dennis Dunstable
David Barry - Frankie Abbott
Linda Cunningham - Pupil with long blonde hair
Kristin Hatfield - Pupil
Gregory Scott - Mr. Wyatt
Suzanne Togni - Pupil in sky blue blouse
Category
📺
TVTranscript
00:28The Lone Ranger
00:42What's that measure Peter? One inch. Roger and out. One inch.
00:48Must be longer than that. Of course it is your pudding. It's always one inch up this end isn't it?
00:53Really off your own. Oh yeah. 36 inches. That's two foot nine. Now then, the height. I ain't going up
01:05there. Steady me.
01:14Run! Do you realise that the headmaster's toilet is behind this window?
01:19That guy on his shoulder. I've had me appendix out. What are you doing anyway?
01:24It's a form project, Uncle Norman. We're measuring the stool up so we can weigh it.
01:28Weigh the stool? There's only one person round here who thinks he can weigh anything by picking it up.
01:34Here, don't you forget to sweep that glass up because if the headmaster goes in for a sit down he'll
01:37cut his bum to ribbons.
01:41Everything going all right?
01:42I see. You're getting them down, isn't it?
01:44All right, Maureen. Write this down, will you? Oh, sir.
01:46Yes, Dennis.
01:47I've got up to 13,578 bricks.
01:52Very good, Dennis. Now tell me, what method have you chosen to decide how many bricks are in the school?
01:56I'm counting them all.
01:57Look.
02:00Oh, I see, yes.
02:01I know it's not right, but it's the only way I can work it out.
02:04Yes.
02:0613,578.
02:06Blessed are the meek, eh, sir?
02:0913,000.
02:10Oh, yes.
02:10Yes.
02:12Uh, Dennis, uh, remember this.
02:15The tortoise and the hare, the slowest method is sometimes the best.
02:18I hope so, sir.
02:1913,581.
02:21Here, sir.
02:22Yes, ma'am.
02:23Did you see those four nuns on the epilogue last night?
02:26No, no, no, I didn't.
02:27Shame.
02:28And I wanted to hear your opinion on that sister Carmelina.
02:31Ah.
02:32As a woman.
02:35Yes, sir.
02:36Listen.
02:38Do you want to know how a hare goes?
02:40Yes.
02:41Yes, Dennis.
02:42Comb.
02:43Comb.
02:44Comb.
02:51My walls.
02:53A shoe, that is.
02:54Yeah, wait a minute.
02:56And I shall hold you responsible, you know, if any arm comes to my headmaster's eye in quarters.
03:02Oh, no, I consider that a singular honour.
03:05Give us a minute.
03:07Potter, you're so obtuse.
03:09I have not to know.
03:10I weigh the same niles when I was democked.
03:15Hello, Chief.
03:16Here, could we have the key so it can go up on the roof?
03:19No, you're not going sunbathing up there, do we?
03:20No.
03:21Oh, is that a suspicious person, Eric?
03:23Look, it's your project.
03:24Yes.
03:24Look, we got the width.
03:25Now we want to sling a line off the roof so we can get the eye.
03:29Good Lord.
03:29Oh, that's quite a good idea, Duffy, yes.
03:32Of course, you'll need something heavy on the end of the string.
03:36Not Webster of 5A.
03:37Oh, no, no, you can't go up there, Duffy.
03:40It's too dangerous.
03:41Oh, God.
03:41Well, I think it's actually disencouraging.
03:44I mean, some people get other people doing projects.
03:46And when the other people think of a way of doing it, the first people say, oh, no, you can't
03:49like that.
03:50Right, right, right.
03:52I'll go up the roof.
03:53Oh, great, Chief, thanks.
03:54Thanks.
03:55Now, Mr. Potter.
03:56Yeah?
03:57Now, about me getting the key for the roof.
03:59Do I have written permission from the Ministry of Education, the Queen, the Pope, or what?
04:05Of course not, Byrne.
04:07There you are.
04:08Oh, well, thank you very much.
04:09And while you're up there, there's a Union Jack got twisted round the lightning conductor.
04:14I did fly for my pole, you know, on Empire Day.
04:16He blew off, you see.
04:17Well, I would have gone up to get it.
04:18Potter, for the flag, anything.
04:22You wouldn't like to give my gutter a pork out while you're up there, would you?
04:26No!
04:30I see, Brace, what would Hitches be doing with a ball of string?
04:35Oh, well, perhaps he's going to hang his silly little self.
04:38No, no, no, he's gone up on the roof.
04:41Oh, well, he's going to jump off, then.
05:00Potter, there's the flag.
05:09All right, now, stand back, lads.
05:12Here it comes.
05:15Right.
05:17Okay, now, put it on the floor, would you?
05:20Okay, now, we'll mark that.
05:26You'll see there.
05:27That's the measurement.
05:28Okay.
05:30Well done.
05:32Okay, I'm coming back down now.
05:37I'm sorry, the door appears to be locked.
05:40Has anybody locked the key?
05:45Would you bring that key back here, please?
05:48If you don't bring that key back here, come down.
05:56And so, children, by the action of potassium chlorate with manganese dioxide, we produce oxygen.
06:07Now, who can tell me how we collect it?
06:12Yes, Eric.
06:14Bubbles up the gas jar, does it?
06:16Like your stomach after you've been out on a booze.
06:19To say, Eric, you've got the principle right.
06:22Well done.
06:23What's the matter with Taffy?
06:24You made it with a barmaid over the feathers, or what?
06:26There's such a thing as inner happiness, Peter.
06:31Stand.
06:32Sit.
06:34Um, sorry to interrupt, Price.
06:37Um, a word in your olfactory organ?
06:39Of course, Bernard.
06:42Uh, just draw the apparatus in your books.
06:45There's good children.
06:47Yes.
06:53Right, Price, um, now, don't throw acid in my face, but do you mind if I suggest a couple
06:58of chemistry lessons for 5C?
07:00No, no, go ahead.
07:02Only two happy-boyos.
07:04Well, good.
07:05Well, it's to do with the project I'm doing on the school, you see.
07:08I thought I'd bring pollution into it.
07:10You know, work out how much sulfur dioxide is in a specimen of brick, that sort of thing.
07:14What a good idea.
07:18Um, next week, all right, Price?
07:20Oh, I'm sorry, I can't.
07:23Cromwell's giving me next week off.
07:25What for?
07:26Never you mind.
07:27Well, if I don't do this next week, I'm going to lose my impetus, Price.
07:29Oh, I am sorry.
07:30Look, Price, it's very important these kids should know how much sulfur dioxide is in a brick.
07:34Why?
07:35Pardon?
07:37Why?
07:38Don't ask stupid questions, Price.
07:43And, uh, now, pay attention, boys and girls.
07:46Having collected our oxygen, we can incidentally prove that the gas in the gas jar is at atmospheric pressure.
07:56Why?
07:57What do you mean, why?
07:58Well, he says, why.
07:59What's the point?
08:00Don't ask the stupid questions.
08:01Just copy it now.
08:02Thanks so much for earning her happiness.
08:04Yeah, yeah, yeah.
08:05You can't afford it.
08:07Don't ask the stupid questions.
08:08Don't ask the stupid questions.
08:09Don't ask the stupid questions.
08:10Mr. Smith, will you please stop snuffing in my ear like a Pekingese?
08:14But those are our free periods you're interfering with, Miss Ewell.
08:18Of which there seem to be far too many.
08:21She's stolen my Wednesday afternoon.
08:23She?
08:24She?
08:25I fail to see, madam, why the whole staff should be shunted about just so that Price can steam
08:30off on a week's holiday.
08:31An official holiday.
08:33Because, strange as it may seem, Mr. Price's classes cannot be left unsupervised.
08:38And I assumed that you as teachers might be ideal for the job.
08:42Of course, when I wanted a single afternoon off to display my sweet peas at the ragged flower
08:47show, it was a very different story.
08:50Mr. Smith.
08:53I even applied in writing two weeks before the event.
08:57Will you please stop acting like a mob auditor?
09:01I certainly never asked for a whole week.
09:06Look for cooperation from your colleagues.
09:09Don't expect to get it, but you still look.
09:13Last project I do.
09:15If you want to play Che Guevara to Mr. Smith's castero, Cuba is that way.
09:21I'm not doing another one.
09:23I applied in writing.
09:24Of course you did.
09:25Pollution isn't just dirt, you know.
09:27It's tropical.
09:27Exactly.
09:28Mauve and pink bledder acids they were.
09:31Madge went, of course, but she said,
09:33Oh, the victory was very empty without me being there.
09:37What's the point of weighing the school if you don't follow it up?
09:39Not that we won.
09:41Pardon?
09:42What?
09:43Well, if you've quite finished, may we now accept that Mr. Price's leave of absence is a fetichon key.
09:50Well, where's he going, then?
09:52I don't know.
09:54You don't know?
09:58I always thought you were completely in the headmaster's confidence.
10:02I am?
10:03Yes, yes, yes, yes, of course.
10:05Except this time.
10:07I do think at least he might have consulted me.
10:11At least?
10:12Well, he probably wants Price to help him out, to represent him somewhere.
10:16Well, I don't know that, of course.
10:18It borders on the unethical.
10:20I think I...
10:21We have a right to know.
10:23Yes.
10:24Guess who?
10:25Don't be childish, Boris.
10:27Someone in this room is a snapdragon.
10:33Is there something you wish to tell me?
10:36No, Doris.
10:37Oh, yes, yes, I sat on some broken glass.
10:41About Mr. Price?
10:43No.
10:44No, nothing.
10:45I see.
10:47Headmaster, the other day you referred to me as your first mate,
10:51but I shall be unable to fulfil that function if you hide things from me.
10:55Now, where is Mr. Price going?
10:59Well?
11:02Well?
11:04Well?
11:04Well?
11:06Well, I can't tell you.
11:08Very well.
11:11Mr. Price is going to China.
11:16Hong Kong.
11:18He's in a society and he's bringing back six little Chinese orphans to England for adoption.
11:26Oh, Price.
11:28Oh, my God.
11:33There.
11:41It's half past three, sir.
11:43Time for tea, sir.
11:44Yes.
11:46Oh, well, aren't you going to laugh, sir?
11:47I mean, you always laugh at that little poem of mine, sir, don't you?
11:53Oh, dear, sir.
11:54Is there something wrong with your posterium, sir?
11:57Glass splinters in the littlest room in the school, Norman.
12:00Ah, yes.
12:01Well, no, I wouldn't know anything about that.
12:02No, Norman.
12:03I wouldn't hold you responsible for my bottom.
12:07Thank you, sir.
12:07Yes.
12:08I tell you, do you know what I'm going to do now, sir?
12:09I'm going to get my Ruby's air cushions off for you to sit on.
12:11No, Norman.
12:12Don't go.
12:13Oh, I must share my awful secret with someone.
12:17Yes.
12:17Well, and forget the air cushions, I tell you what, sir.
12:19Sit on my hat.
12:20Oh, sir.
12:21There you are, sir.
12:22It gently does it as you go down.
12:23Yes.
12:24All right, sir?
12:25Yes.
12:26Now, tell me, sir.
12:26Tell me, sir.
12:27What is this awful secret of yours, sir?
12:30Norman, there's a master in this school.
12:32Edges.
12:33I thought as much.
12:34No, no, no, no.
12:35No.
12:36Price.
12:37Oh.
12:37I gave Price leave of absence, but he made me promise not to reveal the reason to his colleagues,
12:42but they bullied me, so I had to make up a little story.
12:48Brilliant, sir.
12:48Brilliant.
12:49Ah, yes.
12:49Yes, Norman, but consider the moral issues.
12:54Yes, I'm doing that now, sir.
12:57Well, in that case, tell me now, is it A. Morally defensible
13:02to fabricate in the microcosm for the greater good of the macrocosm,
13:07or is it B. Morally reprehensible to fabricate per se?
13:16Eh?
13:17You're right, Norman.
13:19Of course it must be, eh?
13:22Good, solid, common sense, Norman.
13:24Well, it's all army training, sir.
13:27Well, now, go and get that air cushion for you, sir.
13:29Oh, just one thing, sir.
13:30Why, you know me, I'm, eh, not the nosy type, sir,
13:33but what was that little story that you told the staff about, Price?
13:37I told them that Price had gone to China
13:40to pick up six little Chinese orphans to bring them here for adoption.
13:44If I may say so, sir, that is one of the great lies of this century, sir.
13:49Thank you, Norman.
13:50I only hope Mr. Price plays his part, you know, sir, by backing you up, you know.
13:53Oh, yes.
13:55Oh, dear.
13:56What, sir?
13:56I never told him.
14:00Thank you, Mr. Smith.
14:04Staff, look, look what I've bought for Price's little orphans.
14:09Oh.
14:10Now.
14:11Oh.
14:16I know it's a bit expensive, but, well, I thought it'd be worth it
14:19just to think of those kids' little faces.
14:21Oh, splendid.
14:22Isn't it nice?
14:23Oh.
14:24Made in Hong Kong.
14:27Oh, well, never mind.
14:29Perhaps the children won't be able to read English.
14:31Look, I don't want to speak out of town,
14:33but do you think it would be a sort of nice idea if everybody bought...
14:35We have.
14:37Oh, well, I knew you would.
14:39Now, the form is this, Sages.
14:42On Price's approach, we all conceal ourselves,
14:44and then, at a signal from Miss Yule...
14:46A cough, perhaps, or the wave of a handkerchief.
14:49Excellent, excellent.
14:50We burst from cover, and let rip with a rousing chorus of...
14:54For he's a jolly good fellow.
14:58So it's you in the cupboard, me under the table,
15:00and Doris standing in the sink waving a hanky.
15:03Well, you think of something, then.
15:05Well, look, now we know Price for what he is,
15:08don't you think it'd be better to play the whole thing down?
15:11I mean, after all, he's been pretty secretive about it himself.
15:15You're quite right, Mr. Hedges.
15:16So you give him the presents.
15:19Oh, well, thank you very much.
15:21But for heaven's sake, don't get over-emotional,
15:24or you'll embarrass Mr. Price.
15:25I'm not an emotional sort of...
15:29Ah...
15:30Look, look what one of you has bought them.
15:43Come in.
15:57Price.
16:01Price.
16:04Well, you got the name right.
16:10Marvellous, marvellous, marvellous.
16:13I'll thump you back in a minute.
16:17Oh, Price.
16:18No, er...
16:19No speeches.
16:20No words.
16:21But the headmaster has told us
16:23what's been going on.
16:28So we thought, er, these might come in useful.
16:36Now, you didn't say anything, did you?
16:38You just went ahead and did it.
16:43So it appears.
16:46There we are now.
16:48Sex?
16:50Oh, I have been busy, haven't I?
16:54Price, er, presumably, you're going to have some say in all this.
16:58Oh, yes.
17:00Well, do you want them to be bilingual?
17:02What, these, you mean?
17:05Oh, yes, definitely.
17:16These are very good, aren't they?
17:20By the way, um, Wyatt asked me to give you these pills.
17:23Now, he said, um,
17:23if you take one two hours before,
17:26everything will be all right.
17:30May they ask what these pills are for, Hedges?
17:32Travel sickness.
17:34Oh, boy.
17:35Well, there's, er,
17:37nothing else to say,
17:38to Zoe Price,
17:39except you appear to have something
17:41which the rest of us lack.
17:44And, Price,
17:46Price, will you promise me one thing?
17:48Yes.
17:48When you do this sort of thing again,
17:52will you please tell all the stuff?
17:56So, so we can give you a hand.
18:06What the bloody hell has Cromwell been telling them?
18:11Now, in Mr Price's absence,
18:14er, I'm going to show you how to determine
18:15the amount of pollution
18:17in a sample of brick.
18:19Um, now, er,
18:21here is the brick.
18:24All right, all right.
18:26Er, and the first thing we do
18:27is, is to take a scraping of brick,
18:30er, with a knife.
18:32I'm sorry,
18:32has, has anybody got a pen knife?
18:34Yo!
18:38Took this off a sailor down at Dock's.
18:41Well, I'll be confiscating it from him
18:43and not from you, won't I?
18:44Yay!
18:46All right.
18:46Now, er,
18:48we take, er,
18:49a scraping of brick,
18:50er,
18:50into this retort.
18:52Bigger.
18:53Bigger.
18:54Like so.
18:58Oh, Darren,
18:59it makes all my teeth go on edge.
19:01Don't be silly, Sharon,
19:03it does nothing of a thought.
19:04I'm sorry.
19:07All right, all right.
19:09And, er,
19:10and the next thing we do
19:11is, er,
19:13have another look at the book
19:14under your desk.
19:16All right.
19:17Next, next thing we do
19:19is to,
19:19is to add a solvent,
19:21er, in this case,
19:22aqua fortis.
19:24Right, er,
19:24all gather round,
19:25would you?
19:25Oh!
19:28Now, then, er,
19:29I want you to watch this
19:30very closely.
19:31Not too closely, Dennis.
19:33Er,
19:34the mixture
19:34will effervesce considerably.
19:37What is effer,
19:38what you said?
19:39Effervesce, er,
19:40well, that means
19:41it will bubble
19:42very violently, Dennis.
19:44Right?
19:44Now, then,
19:46watch this.
19:49Right.
19:51Watch.
20:00Takes your breath away.
20:07Just give it a second, Duffy,
20:08give it a second.
20:15He's shaking it.
20:17No, I'm not.
20:17No, I'm not.
20:20It's because you told a lie
20:22that didn't work, sir.
20:25It's doing it now, look.
20:26It's doing it now.
20:27Why don't you pack it in, chief?
20:29This whole project
20:29was boom from the off.
20:31I mean, it's utterly obvious
20:32you can't do science,
20:33innit?
20:34I'm just,
20:34just a bit rusty,
20:35that's all.
20:36Will you stop saying utterly,
20:37please?
20:38We're not blaming you
20:39for not being able
20:39to do science, sir.
20:41Now, see here.
20:42See here,
20:42I may not specialise
20:43at this subject,
20:44but I can handle it
20:44at this level.
20:45Sir?
20:46Yes, Dennis?
20:46Your book's on fire.
20:49Ah, well,
20:50that's the action
20:50we've been asking for,
20:52you see?
20:53Yes, now,
20:54if we assume
20:55that to have worked,
20:57what we need now
20:58is a Jensen
21:00calibrated centrifuge.
21:07A Jensen...
21:09Right, now then,
21:10who knows
21:10what a Jensen
21:11celebrated...
21:13You don't,
21:14that's for sure.
21:15He's utterly lost,
21:17isn't he?
21:17Utterly.
21:18Well, it's Mr Price's
21:19fault for being away.
21:21Yeah,
21:21she have a good
21:22taff trick,
21:22that scyving on her.
21:23She's dropping him in it.
21:24Will you please
21:25stop talking
21:25as if I'm not here?
21:27Now,
21:27nobody has dropped
21:27me into anything.
21:28He'll be dropped
21:29in a canal
21:29if I don't get
21:30the knife back.
21:31Oh, look,
21:31where's Pricey
21:32scyving to,
21:33Eric?
21:33On the bat
21:34of fishing?
21:35Who knows?
21:36See here,
21:37Mr Pricey's doing
21:38something
21:39which should make
21:40us all very proud
21:41to know him.
21:42Proud him?
21:43What's he doing
21:43then, sir?
21:44Mr Price has
21:45gone to Hong Kong
21:47to bring back
21:47six little orphan
21:49children.
21:50Nay.
21:52Yes, he has.
21:53Nay, Proud.
21:55Yes, yes,
21:55he has.
21:57Oh, thingy,
21:58you know,
21:58that old film
21:58on telly
21:59with, um...
22:00Ingrid Bergman,
22:01in The Sixth
22:01Happiness.
22:02Have me eyes out,
22:03I did...
22:04Now, look, Pricey's
22:05hardly Gladys Aylward.
22:06When she got all those
22:07great kiddies away
22:07from the Japanese.
22:08Of course,
22:09God helped her.
22:10He had, like,
22:11entered into her
22:12at the time.
22:12Oh, yeah,
22:13and then they all
22:14sang at the end.
22:15That's it.
22:16Yes, that's right.
22:17Yeah, yeah,
22:17I saw that.
22:19This old man,
22:20he played one.
22:21He played
22:22knick-knack
22:23on my drum
22:24with a knick-knack
22:25paddy-wack
22:26give a dog a bone.
22:27This old man
22:28came rolling home.
22:30He played two.
22:31LAUGHTER
22:34LAUGHTER
22:34LAUGHTER
22:34LAUGHTER
22:35LAUGHTER
22:40Well, Mr Price,
22:41Mr Price is doing
22:42something like that.
22:45Now, back to pollution.
22:48We're going to follow up
22:49the experiment we have
22:51just done.
22:51Nearly done.
22:52I assume to have done.
22:53By watching a programme
22:55on television
22:55on that very subject.
22:57That's not science,
22:59that's Welsh.
22:59All right, Dennis,
23:00it'll be on in a minute.
23:01Now, I want you all,
23:02when you think harshly
23:03of Mr Price,
23:04to remember that
23:05at this very moment
23:06he is halfway across the world
23:08doing something
23:09very worthwhile.
23:10Goddard, Mr Warren.
23:14APPLAUSE
23:15There we are.
23:20I'll sing for you now,
23:22David Arakaraquen.
23:26LAUGHTER
23:28LAUGHTER
23:28LAUGHTER
23:36MUSIC PLAYS
23:39David
23:41Frank
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