- 11 hours ago
First broadcast 22nd November 1969.
The school principle Mr Cromwell decides he wants the school divided up into houses.
John Alderton - Bernard Hedges
Deryck Guyler - Norman Potter
Noel Howlett - Mr. Cromwell
Joan Sanderson - Doris Ewell
Richard Davies - Mr. Price
Erik Chitty - Mr. Smith
David Barry - Frankie Abbott
Peter Cleall - Eric Duffy
Peter Denyer - Dennis Dunstable
Liz Gebhardt - Maureen Bullock
Malcolm McFee - Peter Craven
Penny Spencer - Sharon Eversleigh
Kristin Hatfield - Pupil
Gregory Scott - Mr. Wyatt
The school principle Mr Cromwell decides he wants the school divided up into houses.
John Alderton - Bernard Hedges
Deryck Guyler - Norman Potter
Noel Howlett - Mr. Cromwell
Joan Sanderson - Doris Ewell
Richard Davies - Mr. Price
Erik Chitty - Mr. Smith
David Barry - Frankie Abbott
Peter Cleall - Eric Duffy
Peter Denyer - Dennis Dunstable
Liz Gebhardt - Maureen Bullock
Malcolm McFee - Peter Craven
Penny Spencer - Sharon Eversleigh
Kristin Hatfield - Pupil
Gregory Scott - Mr. Wyatt
Category
📺
TVTranscript
00:00Come on, boys!
00:30As you all know, today is the first day of the headmaster's new scheme to implement a house system within the school.
00:52And these are the houses we've chosen. Green for Chichester, blue for Mont, red for Montgomery, and yellow for Montbatten.
01:00What do we want houses for? We've got forms, haven't we?
01:03Anyway, houses are only for living in, Peter.
01:06Well, that's not strictly true, is it, Dennis?
01:08Well, it is. Or flats, or caravans, or tents.
01:12Yes, but these houses, do you see, will be more like teams.
01:16Well, why not call them teams?
01:18Of course, they're houses.
01:20And they bear the names of four of our great men who should be an example to us all.
01:24Well, I was a bag of nerves when that thing of me Chichester was doing his sailing.
01:29I bit my nails right down to the elbows I did.
01:31I'm more of a twiddle than a bier to myself.
01:34Yes, well, we'll twiddle a bit later on, shall we, Sharon? We're talking about Chichester.
01:38He can be very terse when he wants to be.
01:40I think when I'm knotted, I'll have it done on the boat and near the flats.
01:44Yes, and what would you be knighted for, Duffy?
01:46Services to the English language.
01:48Oh, services to English womanhood.
01:52Well, a nightship wouldn't be enough for me.
01:55I tell her, it's an earl or nothing.
01:57What, a belted earl, eh?
01:59Of course.
02:00There we are, then.
02:01That ain't funny.
02:03They could be called masonettes.
02:05What go?
02:06These houses.
02:07Oh, yes, right.
02:08Thank you, Daniel.
02:09We were talking about something.
02:10And the headmaster wants you, voluntarily, to choose whichever house you'd like to be in.
02:16So, I'd like you to think about that for a little while.
02:24Right.
02:24Shh.
02:25We're thinking.
02:26Oh.
02:29Right, that's long enough.
02:30Now, I'd like you all to get up and stand behind whichever house you'd like to be in.
02:38Good.
02:41Yes?
02:41Yes?
02:41Yes?
02:41Yes?
02:41Yes?
02:41Yes?
02:41Yes?
02:46No, I don't think you quite understand.
02:55Um, I do not want you all to stand in Chichester House.
02:59Oh, Lord.
03:00Not only Chichester.
03:01Try again, shall we?
03:02Right.
03:02So, you see, headmaster, the lower school is settled, and as soon as we have the fifth
03:16form names, your house system will become a reality.
03:20Doris, Doris, Doris.
03:22Doris cubed.
03:23You're a computer.
03:24Oh, yes.
03:25Programme me correctly, and I'll run for terms.
03:28I'm awfully glad you didn't go to Australia.
03:31Well, you never said anything.
03:33No, I should have.
03:34I should have told you how I felt the first time you mooted leaving me.
03:37Then tell me now, Morris.
03:40Oh, bloody hell.
03:42That face.
03:43Well, it's this house business.
03:45It'll never work with this fifth form virus strain.
03:47My lot won't be split up.
03:48In all mine, 5AC, if they're not all in the same house, they'll go on hunger strike.
03:53Oh, well, I hope that catches on.
03:55I find that deeply moving.
03:57Oh, so do I.
03:59The intensity of adolescent friendship.
04:01Now, isn't that the hopeful embryo of the brave new world?
04:07Oh, it is.
04:08It is.
04:09Oh, heavens, they're at it again.
04:12Miss Blakesley's in trouble.
04:14Oh.
04:14She's been at it and all.
04:16It's that 5S lot.
04:17They think they're so clever, don't they?
04:18Well, they are comparatively.
04:20What are they doing?
04:21Well, they all want to be in hunt.
04:22And what about 5C?
04:24Now, they don't mind which house they're in.
04:26So long as they're all in the same house.
04:27Look, headmaster, this voluntary choice idea of yours is a non-starter.
04:31Can't we try something else?
04:32How about shooting a hostage every two hours until they do what they're told?
04:35Oh, dear, that's a good idea.
04:36No, no.
04:37No, that would be force.
04:39I would rather resign than be forceful.
04:46Perish the thought, headmaster.
04:48In any case, your scheme vindicates itself.
04:51Four senior forms, four houses, one in each.
04:54What could be simpler?
04:55I knew I was right.
04:57Well, that's asking for trouble.
04:58They've got tribal inclination as forms, as houses.
05:00Well, cannibalism is the next best thing.
05:02Healthy competition.
05:04Or open warfare.
05:06Now, look here, chaps.
05:09They're forgetting the housemasters.
05:11Now, surely they can be expected to engender an Olympic spirit?
05:17Spoken like a housemaster, Mr. Hedges, which you shall be.
05:21Oh, well, that's very kind.
05:22Well, I didn't say it for that reason, of course, but it's very nice.
05:26I'm very flattered.
05:27And which house would you like?
05:29Oh, it doesn't really matter.
05:31Montgomery, be all right?
05:32Spend it.
05:33Montgomery, Mr. Hedges, 5C.
05:40They'll not break in here now.
05:44Oh.
05:45That's the one we have trouble with before.
05:49Lovely.
05:50That's it.
05:51Now.
05:52Oh, dear me.
06:13This is the one lot that Udini never got inside of.
06:16Oh, dear.
06:42It's like a tarn along.
06:46Ah, security.
06:50My name is true.
06:55Hello.
06:59Oh.
07:04Oh, there we are, Mr. Potter.
07:05I thought you'd run away to sea.
07:07A desert rat does not run.
07:09No, of course not.
07:09He hops, doesn't he?
07:11I don't think that's funny.
07:13I don't see anybody can think that's funny.
07:14It's not even the music.
07:16It's a very stupid thing to say, that.
07:18Yes, well, I was just...
07:19I mean, somebody like Sandy Powell would never say a thing like that and expect people to laugh.
07:22Why should you?
07:23Hey, go on, tell me.
07:24Why should you think it's even remotely funny?
07:27It's not.
07:29It is the most unfunny thing anybody has ever said in the whole world.
07:35All right?
07:36Yes.
07:37All right, yes.
07:38Well, what do you want, then?
07:39I want some prefix badges.
07:43They're in there, aren't they?
07:47All right.
07:48I didn't know you had an office, Potter.
07:50No, well, I didn't.
07:51But I have not.
07:53It's a funny place to have it under the stage, isn't it?
07:55Utilisation of premium footage, lad.
07:58Well, it's handy, though.
07:58I mean, if you were in there when the school panto was on, you could always come up through
08:02the trap door as the demon king.
08:04There you go again, don't you?
08:05How can you make jokes about a trap door when you know we haven't got one?
08:08Now, if it was something...
08:10Can I just have the privilege badges, please?
08:12All right, then.
08:13Don't learn something.
08:15All right.
08:16Follow me.
08:18All right, just a moment, just a moment.
08:24I'm in now.
08:26Now, wipe your feet.
08:27All right.
08:30Now, watch your head as well.
08:34All right.
08:35All right, Mr.
08:39Just sit down with a moment.
08:44Now, then.
08:50What are you laughing at?
08:55You're priceless, Potter.
08:57Now, look.
08:58Don't think you can get preferential treatment by flattery, you know.
09:01Oh, no.
09:02You'll get the badges exactly when I think that you should...
09:04Here, hang on a minute.
09:08Identify yourself.
09:09My name is Bernard Hedges.
09:24Oh, no, not that.
09:26Prefect's budgets are only issued to housemasters, you see.
09:28My name is Bernard Hedges, and I am also a housemaster.
09:35Oh, no wonder this country hasn't got a space program.
09:41Yeah.
09:42All right, well, which house is it, then, eh?
09:47Well, come on, come on, come on.
09:48I'm afraid it's Montgomery house.
09:53Oh, Monty.
09:57Oh, Monty.
09:58Oh, Monty.
09:59I'll take your ass away.
10:00Get out of here.
10:00Get out of here.
10:01Come on, Harry.
10:02That's easy, lady.
10:03All right, bring it up in a car.
10:04Get there.
10:06Come on.
10:07What are you doing, Frankie?
10:13Watering a garden?
10:14No, it's not quite a minute.
10:16Lucky for them out there.
10:17I know they're the real one, though.
10:18Who out there?
10:19Them so-called tough guys who needed convincing that Montgomery house is the best house.
10:24Tough guys?
10:25Three little girls in one, eh?
10:27Well, the fat one tried to suffocate me when she sat on me head.
10:30Yeah, you should have beaten a big bundle with us.
10:32It was great.
10:33Well, as you've just demonstrated, the schoolhouse system is now a living force.
10:42Now, I don't know whether you've heard, but I've been asked to be the new Montgomery housemaster.
10:48Weird.
10:51Well, that's all right, then, isn't it?
10:53So sensitive, isn't he?
10:54And the next step in the headmaster's plan is to choose three prefects from the senior form of each house.
11:05Who's the other two, then?
11:08Duffy?
11:09Oh, boy. Oh, goody-goody. Oh, boy.
11:13Um, Maureen?
11:15Sir.
11:16Oh, sir.
11:17You're not just giving it to me because of our relationship, are you?
11:23Oh, of course, right.
11:25What relationship?
11:26Would you pin it on personally?
11:30All right.
11:33Now, mind one of them don't go bang.
11:37Don't be personal.
11:38And, uh, the, uh, the third prefect, I'm over here, so you are, Abbott.
11:50The, uh, the third prefect will be Dennis.
11:54Great!
11:55Oh, neat.
11:55I've never had a badge before.
11:57Oh, boy, thanks.
11:59Look at me.
12:00I'll give you a kiss for Christmas for that, sir.
12:02Right, thank you.
12:03Full move, Chief.
12:04I'll prove of that.
12:05Oh, boy.
12:05Oh, goody-goody.
12:06Oh, boy.
12:09Right.
12:10Now, the headmaster wants to see all the new prefects in his study after lunch.
12:14Aye, aye.
12:14Free beer up, Nereal.
12:15All right, shut up.
12:17And he wants all 12 of you to elect a school captain.
12:22Congratulations.
12:23Thanks, Peter.
12:24Well done, Nereal.
12:25By voting, Duffy.
12:27Oh, too true.
12:35God.
12:38Do you know what I've got in here?
12:42Moon dust.
12:45Now, it's some of my rubies all made fun.
12:47Yes, it's for you and the kids in our house.
12:50Will the school captain be one of our lads, Bert?
12:52Well, I hope so.
12:53Norm.
12:55Let's go and have a look, shall we?
12:56Yeah.
12:58Well, what are you waiting out here for?
13:00Lost the key?
13:01No, no, Rory.
13:02The headmaster thought it a good idea for the staff to wait out here while the prefecture
13:06in camera.
13:08What a load of old...
13:09What a very good idea, sir.
13:11Isn't this fulfilling?
13:13Democracy at work.
13:14One in the eye for the LSE, Hedges.
13:16But then they haven't got someone of your vision, headmaster.
13:21I see.
13:21The jury's out.
13:23Aye, and look who's the bloody foreman.
13:24Well, young man, has the Senate come to a conclusion?
13:29We've elected a school captain, if that's what you mean.
13:32Yes, I wonder who that won't be, Duffy.
13:34Em.
13:35Hello.
13:35Hello.
13:54All right, on a left, you guys.
14:24Come on.
14:26When a prefect talks, you move.
14:29M-O-O-B.
14:31Move.
14:33And...
14:34Don't call Mr. Hedges' names again.
14:38It's high noon, Abbott.
14:39Hand over the badge.
14:45Perfect.
14:48I wouldn't try that, friend, as your rifle trained on your back from the saloon.
14:52Well, off you go, Maureen.
15:03Or did you want to see me about something?
15:05Yeah.
15:06It's about Dennis.
15:10We're all worried.
15:11Yes, well, I wish you'd worried a little before you rigged the election.
15:14How did you know we did that?
15:16Word association.
15:17Corruption 5C.
15:19Simple.
15:20Well, we didn't mean to be corrupt.
15:21We just thought it'd be nice for Dennis.
15:23But when we thought of all the...
15:24Exactly.
15:24He's not up to it, is he?
15:27And he's the one who's going to be upset about it, Maureen, when he finds out.
15:30Not you jokers.
15:32I think I'd better resign.
15:34I'm not worthy of being one of your prefects.
15:37Well, at least you came to see me about it, Maureen.
15:40Where is he now?
15:40He's gone home, I suppose.
15:41Oh, no, you can still catch him if you want to.
15:43He went off with Mr. Potter.
15:45Oh, God, Mr. Diplomacy himself.
15:46That's right, Sonny.
15:52That's right.
15:53All right?
15:54Eat up.
15:55That's the way.
15:57Lovely.
15:58Now, eat up, Sonny, because that's special Montgomery foot.
16:02Did he make it?
16:04No, no, no, lad.
16:06Auntie Ruby.
16:08For Montgomery House.
16:10I'm in that.
16:12Yes, yes, I know, lad.
16:13Look, you being school captain as well, you see, I thought that we should have a little chat.
16:20All right.
16:21Mrs. Potter keeping well, is she?
16:24Not that sort of chat, lad.
16:27Your duties, you see.
16:28Your duties.
16:29What?
16:30What?
16:32Yes, what?
16:34Now, look, lad.
16:36You see, wait a minute.
16:37Now, look.
16:37See here.
16:38Now, look.
16:39For example, when you're reading the lesson, see.
16:44Up there.
16:45On the stage, you see.
16:47In front of the old school.
16:49Now, you're reading the lesson, and it's got to be done properly, you see, lad.
16:52For the honour of the house.
16:54Reading?
16:54Reading.
16:55That's right, yes.
16:56Now, when you reply to the governors on speech day, you see.
17:00You understand?
17:00Speech day.
17:01Yes.
17:01You've got that right.
17:02Well, now, you see.
17:03Prelude that, you see.
17:05What you're saying.
17:05Prelude it with something about the house, you see.
17:08I don't like reading.
17:10No, look, lad.
17:11I'm trying to say, look.
17:11You see, you'll not just be representing the school, lad.
17:15You'll be representing the whole of the 7th Armored Division.
17:19There's no words in the Bible.
17:20What do you want about?
17:22What are you trying to say?
17:23I want a wee.
17:24For, for, for, it, is, for, for, I, to, writing, in, for, the, for, book, of, how?
17:53P-S-A-L-M-T-S-A.
18:01P-S-A-L-M-T-S-A-L...
18:04Oh, bloody.
18:08What's the trouble, Dennis?
18:10What's that word?
18:12Erm, Psalms.
18:14What's he got a P for?
18:16That's stupid.
18:17Well, it's a tricky word, that one.
18:19It's quite difficult, really.
18:20He hasn't got many letters.
18:22I can't read it. I can't read no lessons.
18:25Well, look, if we could find a less complicated bit,
18:27and you could take it a bit slower, Dennis.
18:29I'd take hours. An assembly only lasts ten minutes.
18:32And Potter says I have to make speeches.
18:33Well, I can't make speeches, can I?
18:35Look, you don't pay too much attention to what Mr Potter says, Dennis.
18:39Is he wrong, then?
18:41Well, no. No, he's not wrong, Dennis.
18:44And he's right, and I can't do it.
18:46I can't bloody do nothing.
18:47And I don't want to be captain any more!
18:51Dennis!
19:01Have the trouble with these open prisons?
19:07You always have to come back.
19:09All right, please.
19:12I say, Bryce, what rhymes with Chichester?
19:15What?
19:16Oh, well, what about Chichester?
19:18Oh, of course.
19:19Oh, don't be facetious.
19:21Oh, don't ask us bloody stupid questions.
19:23What are you doing, anyway?
19:24Well, Montgomery may have the school captain,
19:26but Chichester will have a house song.
19:28I'm just writing the lyrics.
19:30Lyrics? Oh, let's have a look.
19:32Oh, Chichester, oh, Chichester,
19:34our bastion of end of...
19:35You filthy beast.
19:37Tis in thy shining wake we stride.
19:40You'll need water skis.
19:41Oh, really, Bryce?
19:41Reach upward, onward, ever, or unglow his mouth.
19:45No, no, no, no, no, no, Price.
19:48Reach upward, onward, him.
19:53Is the coughing part of the song, or is that just you?
19:55I'm on.
19:56I don't see that you have a problem in Hedges.
19:59The boy has realized that he's not up to the job and has resigned.
20:02Alpha plus for selflessness.
20:04Rubbish.
20:04Pardon?
20:05I'm sorry, but it's just not true.
20:06The boy is not being selfless.
20:08He's just been made very aware of his own shortcomings.
20:10And who by?
20:11All right, by the Duffy Fixing Corporation.
20:14But they feel as badly about it now as I do.
20:16Yes, we must help the boy.
20:18Ever the benign father figure.
20:20Thank you, Doris.
20:21Now, this is what we must do.
20:23We must make Dunstable feel that he is still a vital part of my new system.
20:28He's right.
20:29He is right.
20:30Good luck.
20:31Well, of course the headmaster is right.
20:34Now, having been given a lead, let's think of some talent that Dunstable has and apply it.
20:40Good.
20:41Yes, yes, good, good, good.
20:46That's it.
20:48Yes, that's it.
20:49That's it.
20:50Well, has he thought there's something or has he got diarrhoea?
20:53Yes, that's it.
20:56Oh, I need me bleeding head examined, then.
20:59I never reckon you get lumbered with a load of things you didn't fancy doing.
21:03Fancy nothing.
21:04I can't do them.
21:05It's mostly stupid anyway.
21:07I mean, reading the lesson.
21:09Stupid, isn't it, more?
21:10Yeah, stupid.
21:12God forgive me for being rude to the Bible.
21:14That's easy to say when you can do it.
21:16Yeah?
21:17You reckon I could get up there and beget and beget all over the place?
21:20I must be the most stupid person I know.
21:23Hang about, Dean.
21:24Frank is the most stupid.
21:27Exactly.
21:27And the first one to contradict me gets one of these.
21:29See?
21:30No.
21:31Want it?
21:33All right, check down.
21:33And I know you're doing that about as well.
21:43Oh, dear.
21:43I've got a bit of chalk on my sleeve.
21:46Ah, right now, before I start, I've got a bit of a problem.
21:51As Montgomery housemaster, I have to appoint a house captain.
21:55And, uh, Dennis, as you've resigned as school captain, I'd like you to take the job.
22:04No.
22:05That's just feeling sorry for me.
22:07Now, look.
22:09I mean to win those six house trophies, and you have a quality that'll help me do it, that's all.
22:13The only thing I can do properly is animal noises.
22:16The greatest thing about you, Dennis, is that everybody likes you.
22:19Now, if I had a house captain like that, I wouldn't have to blackmail people to enter events.
22:23They'd do it because you asked them to.
22:26You ain't just a pretty face, Chief.
22:27And I, cottage.
22:29Yeah, privy, it's right, Dean.
22:30You're probably the most popular bloke in the old school.
22:32But I'm the most frightening.
22:34Exactly.
22:35Webster in 5B don't like me.
22:37What's Webster when he crawls out from under a stone?
22:39Crawls out from under a stone, yeah.
22:40And he ain't in our house for a kick-off?
22:42Kick-off, isn't it?
22:42The only time he's any use is when we use his head as a carzy brush.
22:45Carzy brush?
22:46A hundred lines, Graven.
22:48Now, are you going to help me or not, Dennis?
22:49I haven't got a suit.
22:51So what?
22:53All right, then.
22:54Great, Dennis.
22:57I think you're wonderful, sir.
22:59Even if you aren't a very good dresser.
23:03Right, thank you very much, Maureen.
23:05Right, now we've got the right leader.
23:07Let's set about demolishing the rest of the houses, yes?
23:10Right!
23:10Right, we're going to win the football.
23:12Yeah!
23:12The boxing.
23:13Right!
23:14And if they had saucers, we'd win those as well.
23:16And when Dennis said, let's have the entries for the Quill Club, he's going to get the same response, isn't he?
23:22Right!
23:23I found me down for that right away, then.
23:25What's the Quill Club?
23:26Well, it's just a society of form whereby if you enter, you not only win house points, but you get let off homework for that night.
23:32Right!
23:32Well done, sir.
23:36Right, right.
23:37Here, what exactly do you have to do?
23:39You've just got to write a forward-page essay on any subject you like, that's all.
23:44Oh.
23:46Hang about.
23:47That is homework.
23:49So it is, yes.
23:50Ah, you guessed it!
23:52It is like a new one, and I got to write a now.
23:53So it is, yes.
23:54So it is.
Comments