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Transcript

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03:44C'est vrai, c'est vrai, c'est May 7, c'est Real ID Day, c'est temps d'obtenir

04:05le Real ID.

04:06Le gouvernement a assured les gens, sans un Real ID, qu'ils peuvent toujours passer sur la planche

04:11si elles ont un passport ou un passport card.

04:15Et je pense que je parle pour tout le monde quand je dis,

04:18«What the fuck is a passport card? »

04:22«A little history! »

04:25Le Real ID Act was passed in 2005 as a response to 9-11,

04:31which had happened four years earlier.

04:33And you're like, «It took them four years to pass the act? »

04:36«Well, pal of mine, that is nothing. »

04:38Because after that, the Real ID wasn't supposed to take effect until 2008,

04:42and then it took another 17 years for it to happen.

04:46Real ID's been in the work for 17 years.

04:48It's like parents who should have gotten divorced from the drop,

04:51but they waited till their kids were in college.

04:55The Real ID is now a thing 24 years after September 11th.

05:01Hey, wanna feel old? 9-11 can drink.

05:06By the way, just semantically, nothing sounds faker than something called Real ID.

05:15No, that's my Real ID. See, it says real on it.

05:18I'm pretty sure Real ID is what it said on my fake ID when I was 15.

05:25I'd be like, «Yeah, it's real. It's super real. »

05:28And they'd be like, «Is it? »

05:29And I'd be like, «No, I'm underage, and I'm in Al-Qaeda. »

05:33Okay, by a quick show of applause, which is French for clapping,

05:37who here doesn't have a Real ID?

05:40Oh-ho!

05:42Boom! Get him!

05:46Everybody's Live has been a government op this entire time,

05:49leading to this moment, and you just fucking fell for it.

05:53This has been an NSA program to root out government agitators

05:56and also produce cool indie rock collaborations.

06:01I know I'm trashing the Real ID program,

06:04and I must admit it feels weird to be criticizing a federal government program at the moment.

06:09I'm a level with you.

06:12Everybody at show, Mr. Richard, Mr. John, everybody behind camera, we're all liberal.

06:18We're liberal, and we think liberal things, and we listen to music, and we're fun people, you know?

06:23And I miss the days when it was the cool, fun people who were the ones that thought that government

06:29sucked.

06:30Now we all have to act like we think government's good.

06:34Because, like, worse people think the government sucks.

06:39It's a mess.

06:40Honestly, if you told us in the 90s that there would be a man who would invent an electric car

06:46and cut government spending,

06:49we'd be like, oh, this sounds like a great guy, you know?

06:52And then you're like, he's also an African immigrant, and on the spectrum, we'd be like,

06:56who is this international Forrest Gump of a fellow?

07:02But it's not the case.

07:06Liberal people, we gotta root for some shit that's not that fun.

07:12We have to act all concerned about the FBI?

07:16When they named that new director the dude that looks like he's always doing kettlebell swings, that guy?

07:21He's as surprised as anybody that he's the head of the FBI.

07:24We ought to be like, no, this is not good enough for the FBI.

07:27Like, oh, man, I don't actually care.

07:31Susan Boyle could run the FBI for all hours.

07:36What is the FBI?

07:38The cops, but more so?

07:41They're always showing up where the cops are, and they're like, this is our case now, and the cops are

07:45like, oh.

07:47What are they, by the way, a bureau?

07:50What's that?

07:52An armoire of investigation?

07:55They run around in windbreakers?

07:58With their initials on the back?

08:00Real undercover, you doinks?

08:03What are you wearing your own merch?

08:06I don't even wear my own merch.

08:08I sometimes wear it.

08:09And the only case they've cracked in the past 30 years is when they busted Aunt Becky from Full House.

08:18That's the only time they've been like, this one's done.

08:21Showing up at her house at 5 a.m. with that stupid log they use to open doors.

08:28Their big metal log.

08:32They love that thing.

08:33They hope the door's locked.

08:35They knock quiet because they want to use their log.

08:38They're like, Aunt Becky from Full House, you home?

08:40She's not answering.

08:42Log.

08:44Go.

08:45Go.

08:46Go.

08:47Go.

08:47Woof.

08:52The perimeter is secured.

08:55You're under arrest, Aunt Becky.

09:00And it looks like we've solved the mystery.

09:02It turns out rich people use their money to get their kids into college.

09:12A thing that no one knew about.

09:17Until the F...

09:22B...

09:25I came along.

09:29I will... Thank you.

09:32Hey!

09:34Oh my God, do we have a good show for you tonight.

09:36This is who is on everybody's live tonight.

09:38My good friend, the hilarious Andy Samberg is joining us.

09:45The totally brilliant and singular Robbie Hoffman is here.

09:53The unstoppably talented Rami Youssef is on our program.

09:59Everybody's live, as you know, is the best showcase for music in entertainment of its day.

10:05And tonight, we bring you the first time collaboration ever from Destroyer and Jessica Pratt, ladies and gentlemen.

10:14Oh.

10:16Yes, I will. Okay.

10:17If you saw the show last week, I announced that I will be fighting three 14-year-olds on our

10:26May 28th season finale.

10:27And at the end of tonight's show, I will be revealing the first of the three challengers.

10:36Many applications have come in.

10:39Both you, the audience, and I will be seeing this first challenger live for the first time tonight at the

10:48end of our show.

10:50So stick around for that.

10:57You know what, on kind of a sweet and serious note, though, I do want to take a moment to

11:01point out something that you may not know about this show.

11:04We've all seen movies like Blow or Schindler's List.

11:09You know, movies like that.

11:12Where they pay tribute to the real people portrayed in the film at the end.

11:18Well, this show, Everybody's Live, is no different.

11:21Everything in this show is based on real people and real events.

11:26And I hope you'll enjoy this little salute that we have to the real people behind the real story of

11:32Everybody's Live.

12:12Give it up for your host, John Mulaney!

12:14Everybody!

12:15Thank you!

12:45Thank you.

12:51Okay, yeah, that was beautiful.

12:53That was beautiful.

12:54And we are so honored to have the real John Mulaney here with us tonight.

12:59Sir, sir, thank you.

13:05Thank you.

13:09Thank you for trusting me to tell your story.

13:12We hope that tonight's show accurately captured what you experienced.

13:16Well, thank you for telling my story.

13:20Also, thanks for leaving out the part where I set the record for most soldiers killed by friendly fire.

13:27I killed so many of my own men, they gave me a North Korean Medal of Freedom.

13:34Again, thank you for your service.

13:36You know, as I mentioned at the top of tonight's show, our topic is the real ID, colon.

13:41What is this bullshit?

13:42To help me understand the massive challenge that is facing our nation today on Real ID Day,

13:48we will be joined tonight by AAA spokesperson Aixa Diaz, sitting right here.

13:57She is totally familiar with the Real ID process and will be a reference for us throughout the conversation.

14:03Aixa, thank you for being here.

14:04Thanks for having me.

14:05Thanks for being here to clear up any questions that we have, that our callers have.

14:08And speaking of callers, we will be taking your calls throughout the program.

14:13The number is up on your screen right now.

14:15Please call in if you have any questions or stories about the Real ID

14:18and what this change means for all of us in the United States of America.

14:22I'd now like to welcome our very first guest who's going to join this important conversation.

14:27Please welcome my good friend and the brilliant, Mr. Andy Samberg.

14:37Thank you so much for being here.

14:48Andy Samberg, thank you so much for being here.

14:52It's my extreme pleasure.

14:53Oh, I know what I wanted to ask you.

14:55How are you doing?

14:58Fine, yeah.

14:59You?

14:59Very good.

15:00I'm pretty good.

15:00Yeah.

15:00Good, good, good.

15:01Very good.

15:02You know, it's interesting.

15:04I'm happy that you're here because normally on this show, we're pretty loose with our interviews.

15:08You'll notice that they're not as planned as other talk shows.

15:12So tonight we decided we're going to try something different and we're going to do a fully scripted interview.

15:19However, it turned out that we didn't even have to write it ourselves because there are already so many fan

15:26fiction sites

15:28that have imagined conversations between myself and Andy Samberg.

15:33You know about these beautiful sites, right?

15:37These fan fic sites.

15:38These are places where teen girls write about Adam Scott's character from Parks and Rec falling in love with the

15:46character Stefan.

15:47A bad example, but you get the point, right?

15:50Yeah.

15:50And they had a script of you interviewing me on there?

15:54They had many.

15:58And we printed out the first one.

16:00Should we read it?

16:01Okay, great.

16:03Let's go.

16:08Andy, any big projects coming up?

16:11John, can I be honest with you?

16:15I'm kind of nervous about this interview.

16:18Really?

16:18I find that surprising.

16:20You always seem so confident.

16:23Me?

16:24Confident?

16:24Give me a break.

16:26You're the one who's the king of confidence.

16:29The king?

16:30No way, man.

16:31If anyone is the king, it's you.

16:33The Lonely Island made some of the funniest but most musical songs of all time.

16:38Thank you for phrasing it exactly that way.

16:42But if I'm being honest, things aren't really going that well, honestly.

16:47John looks deep into Andy's eyes.

16:50John has never noticed until now just how blue Andy's eyes are.

16:54So are we reading the stage direction?

16:56Well, it's on here.

16:57Okay, great.

16:57I'm good with that.

16:58Andy, do you remember what our friend Seth Meyers said to us one rainy night at 30 Rockefeller Center?

17:06You, me, and Bobby Moynihan got totally soaked.

17:08Our clothes were clinging to our tight bodies.

17:12But we didn't care because we were all laughing so hard from all the funny jokes we were making.

17:17But then Lauren Michaels yelled at us for not making funny enough skits.

17:22And then Seth Meyers told us, you only have to be funny for one person.

17:28Yourself.

17:29Just then, an alert appears on John's phone.

17:33Are you going to make the sound?

17:34Oh, sure.

17:35Ding.

17:35Nice.

17:37Oh, look at this alert.

17:38The gorilla that likes to ass-blast comedians just escaped from the zoo.

17:44Andy, I'm freaking out.

17:46Andy looks into John's eyes.

17:48He's never noticed how blue John's eyes are.

17:52Hey, look at me.

17:54As long as we have each other, nothing can ass-blast us.

17:59Suddenly, a space portal opens and the character Stefan falls out.

18:03The portal also opens and spits out Adam Scott's character from Parks and Rec.

18:09Richard, could you read Adam Scott, I guess, and Aixa, would you do Stefan?

18:14Sure.

18:15We were attacked.

18:18The ass-blasting gorilla is attracted to the scent of male comedians that are in love with each other.

18:27Stefan and Adam Scott die in each other's arms.

18:30It's tragic, but also really beautiful.

18:33The office theme song plays as they pass away.

18:37So, do we do the music?

18:39I guess so.

18:40Dun-dun-dun.

18:40Bump-bump.

18:41Dun-dun-dun-dun-dun.

18:42Bump-dun-dun-dun-dun-dun.

18:43Bump-dun-dun-dun-dun-dun.

18:44Suddenly, there's a thud outside and the sound of gorilla hooves.

18:48I don't understand if the gorilla is attracted by the scent of male comedians that are in love with each

18:53other,

18:53but Adam Scott and Stefan died already, then who is the gorilla smelling?

18:56They lock eyes.

18:58They both have never noticed how blue both of each other's eyes are.

19:03Thud.

19:04The gorilla bursts in and pulls both of their pants down.

19:07Oh, no.

19:08Our little white butts.

19:11And then it stops.

19:13And there's a note.

19:15Hi, dear readers.

19:16Goth girl 25 here.

19:17Oh, that must be the writer.

19:19Oh, yeah.

19:20Thanks for checking out my latest story.

19:22I'm leaving it there for now.

19:23My Lyme disease ran into long COVID, which ran right into Passover,

19:27so I don't have time to finish the story at the moment.

19:30But readers, I'm excited for where it's heading.

19:32I tried to crack a version where Penn Badgley saves Jason Sudeikis from the gorilla,

19:37but it didn't quite make sense.

19:38I feel like Brett Goldstein might have been a better choice.

19:41I can't tell.

19:42Anyway, I have to go.

19:44It's my dad's weekend with me, so he's picking me up,

19:46and my mom is losing it downstairs.

19:49Signing off for now, gothgirl25.

19:52And that's it.

19:53Yeah.

19:53Wow.

19:57It was...

20:02What's weird is it captured the way we talk,

20:04but I was surprised by how erotic it was.

20:07It was more erotic than I expected.

20:09But all in all, I think scripted interviews are a good idea.

20:12Yeah, definitely.

20:12I didn't feel uncomfortable reading any of that,

20:15especially the parts about the many people that we know well.

20:19You know what I'd like to do now?

20:21Who?

20:21I'd like to take a break.

20:24We'll be right back.

20:27Some things in life are mysteries,

20:29and I've been party to a great number of them.

20:40I've had clearances that you wouldn't even believe.

20:43I mean, I've eaten jelly beans out of Ronald Reagan's bowl.

20:47Don't trust anybody.

20:50Don't trust anybody.

20:51If you go back to the first people on Earth, supposedly, Adam and Eve,

20:54I mean, one of them was an adulterer, and one of them was a murderer.

20:59There is no such thing as a government.

21:00The government is a bunch of rules, and it's a bunch of people,

21:03and they're both prone to failure.

21:07The real ID, do I have it?

21:11Am I going to get it?

21:12I know what they're doing with real ID,

21:14and I don't want to participate.

21:16What are they doing?

21:19I don't want to participate.

21:22Mysteries.

21:24They're not always more interesting when you know.

21:27Like, looking at what happened to JFK's head,

21:30hypothetically, if I had done the same thing countless times in my life...

21:34What do you think happened?

21:35I think he got domed from the front.

21:41Welcome back to the show, everybody, live.

21:44We're here with Andy Samberg.

21:46We're having a... Andy, is everything okay?

21:48Yeah, I'm sorry, John.

21:49I'm just distracted.

21:50You remember earlier when you said

21:52how the real guy that you're based on is here?

21:54Fuck you, man!

21:56Yeah.

21:57Well, the guy who's based on me is here, too.

22:00He's really...

22:01He's not liking the way that I'm playing him.

22:04What is it this time, Andy?

22:05I never sit like that!

22:07I famously sit with my legs crossed!

22:11Look, I'm sorry.

22:13I forgot.

22:14Look, to research the role I lived with him for, like, a month,

22:18and he had it in his head that I wasn't observing his mannerisms

22:21and I was stealing his hats.

22:23I'm not crazy!

22:24You're wearing one right now!

22:27I've been wearing it the whole time!

22:30Stop gaslighting me!

22:32Oh, here you go with your buzzwords again, Andy.

22:36He's just mad because as part of my research,

22:38I slept with his wife multiple times

22:40over the course of multiple days.

22:43That was the superintendent of my building

22:45on his way to a nippy costume party!

22:49It wasn't the super!

22:51She took me to her unit in the basement

22:53and her peace sign was clanging against the headboard

22:56while I doinked her until her plastic wig flew off!

22:59You know, you're a hack!

23:01Andy, Andy, Andy,

23:02didn't you get his blessing before playing him?

23:05No.

23:06He wanted Michael B. Jordan.

23:09I feel like Michael B. Jordan's a little young for that.

23:12Well, yeah, that's one of the many differences

23:15that would make Michael B. Jordan wrong for the role.

23:17Fuck you!

23:19You're not even dressed like me!

23:22That's because your pants suck!

23:24The butts are too flat!

23:26It's a sign of a life lived.

23:29Oh, spoken like a flat-ass piece of shit!

23:33Fuck you, worm!

23:35Oh, worm?

23:36Well, this worm catches fish, if you know what I mean.

23:40Fuck you!

23:40That was the super!

23:43Okay.

23:46Enough of this whole thing.

23:49I can't wait to welcome our next guest to the couch.

23:53I'm sorry that happened.

23:54I'm shaking.

23:55I know you're shaking.

23:57I can't wait to welcome our next guest to the couch.

24:00I have been a fan of hers for so long,

24:02and this is her first time on the show,

24:03and it's my first time meeting her.

24:05Please welcome the very funny Robbie Hoffman!

24:08Robbie Hoffman!

24:15How are you?

24:18Welcome to the show!

24:20This is Andy, this is Aixa from AAA.

24:22Thank you, thank you.

24:23Robbie, thanks for being here.

24:24Robbie, do you have the real ID?

24:26No.

24:27Why not?

24:28Are you planning to get it?

24:29No, never.

24:30Okay.

24:30Tell me why.

24:31No, the real ID is a real scam.

24:33It's just another money grab.

24:35Well, who do you think is making money off of it?

24:37You know, there's the AAA, no offense.

24:41You know, there's, you know, the government.

24:44It's kind of like the DMV forcing you to get a smog check.

24:47It's like the car is a shit.

24:49You've seen my car.

24:50It's not passing smog.

24:53It's fine.

24:54It drives.

24:55Wait, like, I mean, I know you can...

24:57Do you have a U.S. passport?

24:59I have a U.S. and a Canadian passport, okay?

25:01Marriage material, you see that?

25:04That's really smart.

25:05That's smart to have.

25:05Are you, um...

25:07So what are you going to do?

25:08You'll travel with your passport?

25:10Will she face any, like, backlash?

25:12I know that you're allowed to fly with a passport.

25:14Is TSA going to give shit to people that don't have the real ID?

25:18They don't want to hold me.

25:18I'm too annoying.

25:19No, not for people.

25:20If you have a passport, you're good.

25:21It's only for people who don't have a passport, don't have a real ID, or an enhanced driver's

25:26license.

25:26Those all count.

25:27It's the people who just have the traditional.

25:28See, they like to confuse you with what you're supposed to do and what you're not.

25:31You know that when you go to the airport now, you don't even have to give...

25:33You know when they try and take a picture of you?

25:36You can say no.

25:38Who didn't know that?

25:39You can say no.

25:40I prefer to give my ID.

25:41Right.

25:41And they make you feel bad.

25:42They take it personal.

25:43When do they take...

25:44They say, well, there's cameras all over the airport.

25:46I go, excuse me, is that a threat?

25:48I don't even take my sweatshirt off going through the security now.

25:51If you have a hoodie on, they go, do you mind taking your hoodie off if there's a shirt

25:54under?

25:54I said, nah, I'm too lazy.

25:56Taking a hoodie off, it's a big process.

25:59It used to just be jacket, but now they're going after hoodies too.

26:02And they say, well, do you mind?

26:03We might have to pat you down.

26:05I said, can't wait.

26:06It's my favorite part.

26:10If you're on a low week, if you haven't gotten any the whole week, Richard, I'm not looking

26:14at you, but if you haven't gotten any, you get yourself a free pat down at the airport.

26:20I'm not doing any of it.

26:21Resist until the end.

26:23Or we normalize it like the shoes after 9-11.

26:25It's enough.

26:26You mean taking off the shoes?

26:27Yes.

26:28You thought we should have kept them off.

26:30Boy, that shoe bomber, I bet he really wishes he was around for Hoka sneakers, because they

26:34have such a hunk that he could have hidden God knows what in it.

26:37You actually could get a lot in there.

26:38I'm sure he's surfing Zappos right now from jail.

26:42I'm sure he is.

26:43How sick are the people who travel in flip-flops?

26:46Their feet?

26:47And shorts.

26:48I find airplanes incredibly cold.

26:50Nobody needs to see a man's calves.

26:53It's true.

26:54Let's take a call.

26:57Andy in Tavares, Florida.

27:00Hello, Andy.

27:01You're on Everybody's Live with Andy Samberg, Robbie Hoffman, Aixa Diaz, Richard Kind.

27:05How are you, and what do you have to say?

27:06How can we help?

27:07Well, I'm honestly a little bit scared, John, because I don't think this Real ID thing is

27:11about safety at all.

27:13I think it's just another step forward in literally creating a social credit score system like China.

27:21Okay, let's define our terms.

27:25What is a social credit score?

27:28A social credit score, they've been training and practicing this in certain cities in China

27:33with high surveillance, keeping digital database and everything.

27:36I'm telling you, it's the craziest thing.

27:38And they're docking people's pay for jaywalking.

27:41They're docking people's pay for jaywalking.

27:50Isn't China doing so well that wouldn't it be cool to become like China, Andy?

27:57What do you think?

27:59I mean, I'm down for it, because I've already got a Real ID, so it's too late for me.

28:02Oh, you already have a Real ID.

28:04All right.

28:04Bye-bye.

28:06Now, okay.

28:07Aixa, did you want to vape, by the way?

28:10No, I'm good.

28:10Thank you.

28:112% nicotine.

28:13Very kind.

28:14They can't legally sell it.

28:15You have to go to the back now.

28:17You have an angle for everything.

28:20Oh, I don't know.

28:21So there must be a lot of people that are looking at this as, even not heavily paranoid people.

28:26Right.

28:27They wonder if this is some kind of, you know, government monitoring program.

28:30Yeah, infringement on their privacy.

28:31Absolutely.

28:31Some people fear that it creates a national database, but what the government says is that

28:35no, states are still in control of all of that.

28:39What makes Real ID so confusing for so many people is that every state is different, right?

28:44So the requirements are different, and some people have been Real ID compliant for more

28:48than 10 years, and then some are just now catching up.

28:50Okay.

28:51Well, why?

28:52And by the way, are you Real ID compliant?

28:55No, I'm not.

28:55Okay.

28:56It's too rich for them.

28:56It's just like nobody.

28:58It's an attack on the poor like everything else is.

29:02The Real ID.

29:03Yes.

29:04Go up.

29:04Wake up.

29:06Go up.

29:06That's another way.

29:07Who has passports?

29:09Wealthier people.

29:10The poorest people don't have ID.

29:13Okay, they have their driver's license, and now they're making that obsolete for a money

29:17grab to make another $100 off them to get the Real ID.

29:21It's constantly going after the poor, and it's a money grab.

29:24I accept.

29:24Is there a fee for the Real ID?

29:26Thank you.

29:26Yes.

29:26You do have to pay.

29:27One person cares about the poor, and he works for it.

29:30And each state is also different.

29:33Sorry.

29:33Yeah, you do have to pay, and you know how you have to pay when you get a driver's license?

29:36How much is it?

29:37It depends on the state.

29:38Well, you see, California, how much is it?

29:39It varies.

29:40So usually it's like $40.

29:41You never get the price.

29:42It's like walking into a house.

29:43It is very confusing.

29:44$40.

29:45Sometimes it's plus $10 fee if you're getting a renewed.

29:48So it is.

29:49It can be very confusing.

29:49So let's talk on the cynical side of things, Ace.

29:51Sure.

29:51Okay.

29:52Yes, they said ostensibly it's for security on flights.

29:55What is the benefit to a state?

29:57Do they get any kind of federal funding if they comply?

29:59Do they get any back in?

29:59No, I mean, they've just been told to do it.

30:01So after Congress passed the Real ID Act in 2005, it's the 20th anniversary.

30:06Awesome.

30:06So we're observing that.

30:08But states had to then do this.

30:11Some took more time than others.

30:13Some implemented it right away.

30:14What was the pitch for it?

30:14What was even the impetus?

30:15Why the Real ID?

30:16So it's to show more ID and more verification of who you are.

30:24So your birth certificate, your social security number, which you didn't have to do getting

30:28a traditional driver's license.

30:29No, I waited pre-COVID.

30:31I waited at the Herald Square DMV probably eight hours.

30:35The line was so long, I didn't get it.

30:37I went today again.

30:38You've got to make an appointment, John.

30:39That's on you.

30:40That is on you.

30:41That is on you.

30:42Because if you do walk, you can't walk in at the DMV.

30:44But I had the time to walk in.

30:46Appointments are for people that were busy.

30:47Must be nice.

30:48Just before COVID, I was very free.

30:52So I was in New York.

30:54I went in, just said I need a Real ID, and I waited.

31:00And they told me I already have it.

31:02How the hell do I know I have it?

31:04You waited online all day for Real ID?

31:06Yeah, a couple hours.

31:08And then I went in, they go, no, no, you have the thing.

31:11You have a flag on the bottom.

31:12So you're the reason I make the DMV.

31:13You're taking up time.

31:14I got it.

31:16I enjoy it.

31:18La vie Richard Kynes.

31:21It's like somebody in line getting a coffee.

31:22Get your card out.

31:24Know what you're going to get.

31:25You're not perusing the menu at Starbucks for the first time.

31:29The reason I'm resisting Real ID right now is because I have a New York license that is expired.

31:37So according to California, I want to get a California license, I need to not only take the written test,

31:44Richard, but I'm going to have to take the driving test.

31:46No way.

31:47In order to get the real ID.

31:49And from the audience reaction, you know how problematic that's going to be.

31:53They said I have to take the motor test.

31:54I had a similar thing when I left New York and I just had to do the written, but the

31:59written's hard.

32:00It is.

32:01Yeah.

32:01You got to study.

32:02I asked them at it for the answer key, but they did not give it to me.

32:06I found someone who had like six different tests because they had failed it a lot.

32:10And I studied all of them and sort of mished and mashed all that.

32:13And California has crazy rules, right?

32:16Much different than New York.

32:17Like driving on which side of the road or something?

32:19Yeah.

32:20And U-turns and shit.

32:22You can do anything in this state.

32:23California is the only state where a motorcycle can drive on the line, between the lanes.

32:29It can drive on the lines?

32:30Yes.

32:31Look it up on your phone.

32:33I'm not making up nothing here.

32:34Don't look up things during the show.

32:38If you have a motorcycle, which, you know, good luck to you.

32:42Rest in peace.

32:45It's not if, it's when.

32:47It's when.

32:48But while you're alive, you can weave through while you're here for as long.

32:54You know, you have to live every day to its fullest if you have a motorcycle.

32:56Oh, my God.

32:57Your time is numbered.

32:58You're davening for motorcycle drivers.

33:00Earlier today, I do want to get to this.

33:03I tried to get the real ID.

33:05It was very difficult.

33:07I'm, apparently, I'm getting a call online, too, from someone who also had to wait a long

33:11time.

33:12Hello, Olivia.

33:13Olivia, you're in New Orleans, Louisiana?

33:15Yes, sir.

33:16Hi.

33:16Welcome to Everybody's Live.

33:18Hi.

33:20Oh, oh, shit.

33:22I wasn't supposed to do that.

33:24What?

33:25Um, I camped out at a DMV for eight hours, and I was, like, a homeless person.

33:33Nothing wrong.

33:34Yeah.

33:35Why were you a homeless person?

33:37Because you were waiting at the DMV.

33:39Okay, because I kind of was like Adam Sandler.

33:42Like, that's just kind of my style.

33:44But also, like, in Louisiana, the governor declared a state of emergency because whatever,

33:51like, prehistoric computer system.

33:55It's a Jew on the loose in Louisiana.

33:57Go on.

34:00Why did the governor declare a state of emergency?

34:05Olivia?

34:07Olivia, hang with us.

34:08She's gone.

34:08She hung up.

34:09Okay.

34:12We're all concerned about her, right?

34:14Things sounded pretty shaky from the beginning of that call.

34:17Yeah.

34:18Yes.

34:18Right up to the end.

34:19She was definitely driving, and we weren't on speaker.

34:21Oh.

34:23All right.

34:25Rest in peace, Olivia.

34:27She is.

34:27She could have been on a motorcycle.

34:29We don't know.

34:30It was a little concerning that right after you said there's a Jew on the loose.

34:33Louisiana, she disappeared.

34:36She got scared.

34:38I want to go to this right now.

34:39Earlier today, I did go to the Hollywood DMV at Cole Avenue to try to get my real ID,

34:44and it went something like this.

34:46Let's take a look.

35:01Sorry.

35:05Excuse me.

35:06Real ID?

35:07Real ID?

35:08Did you fill out your application online?

35:09No.

35:10No?

35:10That's okay.

35:10You just stand by right over here, and we'll help you out.

35:12Is this reservations?

35:13No.

35:14This is for people that haven't filled out an application.

35:16Cool.

35:16Do you know the wait time right now?

35:17Oh, dude.

35:18You're probably looking about maybe two to three hours.

35:23Are you in line for real ID?

35:25Um, in line in general.

35:27Oh.

35:27Yes.

35:29When is the last day to get here?

35:31Today, the 7th.

35:32Oh.

35:33Now serving G281 at window number 21.

35:40Excuse me.

35:41Hi.

35:42Um.

35:43Who's next?

35:44Oh.

35:44I had a...

35:45Sorry, darling.

35:46Oh, I don't know what we're supposed to...

35:47Hi.

35:48Good.

35:48Okay.

35:49Real ID?

35:50Yes, in line.

35:51Did you make a reservation?

35:52No.

35:53I just wanted to ask her a question.

35:56I'll get back in the line at the end.

36:00So, mom, we'll get everybody's attention on this side.

36:03So, did you fill out an application already, sir?

36:05Okay.

36:05I don't understand what these two lines are.

36:08So, that's if you don't have an appointment, you haven't...

36:10But you don't have an appointment.

36:11No, I don't.

36:12You don't, okay?

36:12No.

36:14Oh, shit.

36:17I don't understand.

36:18It tells me that I didn't have to make an appointment online.

36:22They would just let you through if you had a confirmation number.

36:25I don't think he knows what he's talking about.

36:26Now he tells me to come back here.

36:27There was also a second line that I thought was people with appointments.

36:31But when I talked to them, they didn't have one.

36:33I'll call Berkowitz.

36:37See what he can do.

36:39Who's that?

36:40Oh, Mike Berkowitz, my agent.

36:43Hey.

36:44Hey, do you have any in with the DMV in California?

36:50Um, I'd have to ask around.

36:51I mean, that's like, I want to totally skip every line and just get right in.

36:57Jesus.

36:58What do you need?

36:59What happened?

37:00I need the real ID.

37:07Welcome back.

37:09Hey, guess what?

37:10Joining the panel now is a brilliant writer and a brilliant comedian and a wonderful gentleman.

37:15Please welcome Rami Youssef, everybody.

37:27This is Aixa, Andy, Robbie.

37:29Thanks for being here, my friend.

37:30Have a seat, Rami.

37:31Thanks for coming.

37:32I wasn't sure if we were getting up or what we were doing.

37:35I think that was pretty good.

37:36I feel good.

37:36I think that was the right amount of getting up.

37:38Because if everybody stood, you'd be blocking the eye.

37:41Speaking of flights.

37:44Rami, how are you first off?

37:46Yeah, I feel good, man.

37:48I'm really happy to be here.

37:49I got my real ID.

37:50I told you back there.

37:51Yeah, you might be, well, Rich has it and Andy has it, but Rami and I are still without

37:57and you haven't.

37:58That's fantastic.

37:58Was it here in California that you did it or in New York?

38:01No, in New York.

38:02How much you pay for something like that?

38:03Well, did it feel classist when you were getting it?

38:07It really did.

38:08Well, they also, they offered me an enhanced ID.

38:11Yes.

38:12So that was more expensive.

38:14That's what Richard has.

38:14Yeah.

38:14I do?

38:15Yeah.

38:15How much did you pay for yours?

38:17Are you out of your mind?

38:19I don't remember.

38:20You just put your credit card and you do it.

38:21Like we're never going to get a price.

38:22See, that's surprising because I would bet you remember every charge that's ever come

38:26your way.

38:29So you got it at a DMV?

38:30No, I actually went to a couple of AAA.

38:33location.

38:34Ah.

38:34Put it up.

38:34Yes.

38:35Okay.

38:36Yeah.

38:37Okay, buddy.

38:38Okay.

38:38It was honestly incredibly difficult the entire time.

38:42I don't know.

38:45Like I had to go to three different locations because there kept being a problem and I don't

38:50know if it's like a company.

38:51A knowing nod.

38:52Yes.

38:53Yes, we do have problems.

38:55Is that like a company?

38:57Like it feels like no one there wants you to get it.

39:01No, they don't want you to get it.

39:03They want to do it.

39:03No, by the way, she's just like waiting like you don't have proof of address, do you?

39:07Right.

39:07Yeah.

39:08Why is AAA even involved with the real idea?

39:11Yeah, why is AAA involved?

39:12It's to help out the DMV.

39:13So in, not in all states, but in some areas, there's a partnership with DMVs in certain

39:20areas just to help them out.

39:21So they do offer DMV services at certain locations.

39:24But are you, so you're like deputized to be like a DMV?

39:27Something like that.

39:28And they carry it, not in all AAA branches, but in some they can carry out DMV services

39:33like getting your license or the real ID.

39:35Okay.

39:36Is AAA a private company?

39:37Oh yeah, that's a good question.

39:38What are you?

39:39It's public?

39:40It's a federation.

39:41Yeah, it's a non-profit federation.

39:42It's a federation?

39:43Yeah.

39:43It's an association of different clubs.

39:46Are you a member?

39:46I will say the greatest deal on the planet is the AAA roadside service.

39:50No, that's what it is.

39:51That's what we are.

39:51It's $91, three pickups per year.

39:55Wow.

39:56And they have picked me up in the middle of the highway.

39:58I had a tire blow the fuck off.

40:01I'm lucky to be here tonight.

40:02Thank you for having me.

40:03Not at all.

40:05Rami, you have an enhanced ID.

40:07Yeah.

40:07Enhanced driver's license, yeah.

40:08Yeah.

40:09That's a real ID.

40:10And that's the way, it's not a real ID, but it's real ID compliant.

40:13It's real ID compliant, meaning they'll accept those.

40:15And that also allows you to go into Canada or Mexico by land or sea.

40:20Well, I don't know if that's anymore.

40:22That's how they got me.

40:23That's how they sold them out, yeah.

40:24That was Doxel, yeah.

40:24By land or sea, yeah.

40:25Land or sea, yeah.

40:27So you have that.

40:29That's fun.

40:29You'll be able to do that.

40:33Enhanced driver's license is as good as a real ID.

40:35EDL, yes.

40:36A passport is as good as a real ID.

40:38Correct.

40:39Is it just presenting the documents you need for a real ID?

40:43Birth certificate, two pieces of mail.

40:44Is that the same as having a real ID?

40:46Social security card.

40:47Can I fly with those?

40:48No, I mean.

40:50You could if you wanted to, but when you go up to TSA, they'll tell you you're not real

40:54ID compliant.

40:55Oh, then no.

40:56Prove us no, but then to verify your identity further, that would help.

41:02Okay.

41:03What can they do on site to verify your ID if you, let's say I try to fly with my

41:07New York,

41:07my expired New York license.

41:09What happens then?

41:10Well, at this point, what we've seen today at least at airports is that people are still

41:14being allowed to board, but they're given a warning if you don't have the real ID yet.

41:18But today's the cutoff day.

41:19Yeah, but it's a soft launch.

41:21But that's the whole fucking episode.

41:27I told the audience in the monologue that it was the real ID day.

41:31Is it really not coming into effect today?

41:33It is.

41:33It's just, you know.

41:37It's a scam.

41:38I told you this.

41:41It's such a soft scam.

41:42It's real ID-ish today.

41:44Yeah.

41:44It's real ID-ish.

41:45Now, you mentioned something to Rami that by land or sea, can he travel by air?

41:51No.

41:51He can't fly with that.

41:55Did you fly with that?

41:57I thought she was being poetic, and you were actually just naming the only two of them.

42:01Wait, I'll tell you.

42:02No.

42:03I can't fly into Mexico with my enhanced ID.

42:08But you can fly domestically with it.

42:10This is a disaster.

42:13But he could sail into Zewatanea.

42:16Okay.

42:18Unless that's land.

42:19Do you sail?

42:20I don't know sea was an option to get to Canada.

42:24But obviously, he's going through customs, so why can't he fly with it?

42:27Because you can't board.

42:29I don't know.

42:29I don't know why you can't.

42:31See, these rules are horrible.

42:33Yeah.

42:33The government would just tell us what it is.

42:36I don't know what enhanced is.

42:38I don't own an American flag on my...

42:40I stood there for hours trying to figure it out.

42:43Okay, you're in the house.

42:43See how you already had it and wasted time.

42:45That's on you.

42:47That's on you.

42:48I thought I could fly.

42:49That's on you.

42:50No, Gabby.

42:52I'm pointing fingers, Gabby.

42:54I thought I could fly there.

42:55Question for only...

42:57Question for only Gabby and Richard.

42:59How many times have you been thrown off flights?

43:05I haven't, but Gabby, when I initially was flying with her,

43:08we had a first flight because we had a lady sitting next to us on a long flight.

43:14I was middle.

43:14Gab got the window.

43:15This lady was sleeping so peacefully.

43:17I had to be so bad.

43:18But I didn't want to wake her.

43:20It's a long flight.

43:21I am very flexible.

43:23I could stand.

43:24I could stand on just...

43:27The armrest?

43:28Just the armrest.

43:29I could do it.

43:30Okay.

43:30Let me walk her.

43:32Okay?

43:33So look, you're sleeping.

43:35You're sleeping.

43:41I didn't wake.

43:43I didn't wake.

43:46I didn't wake.

43:46That's normal.

43:47Why should I wake somebody?

43:49And Gabby was like, you can't just walk over people.

43:52I said, but I should wake them from a slumber?

43:54It's so hard to fall asleep.

43:56So, you know, we got it.

43:58It looks a little bizarre, but it actually, the heart behind it makes a lot of sense, I

44:02think.

44:02I mean, the risk, obviously, is that they wake up right when you're standing up.

44:06They have.

44:08No, and then I explained, but you were sleeping, and they're still upset.

44:11Do you stay straddling them when you explain it?

44:15You were sleeping.

44:17Rich, have you been thrown off a flight?

44:18I have had confrontation.

44:23I don't believe it when they say, please turn off your phone.

44:26Please, I don't buy that.

44:29And I said, that's just dumb.

44:31It finally came on.

44:33Why are you asking me to turn it off?

44:36All right, Paige in Willowbrook, Illinois.

44:38Paige, what do you got to say about the real ID?

44:41Hey, John, so I'm actually calling from last week.

44:45You were talking about getting a hip surgery?

44:47That was last week.

44:49Yes.

44:51Well, I need to tell you, you cannot get the surgery to repair your labrum, because I got

44:57the surgery and...

44:58You got hip replacement?

44:59Well, I got the labrum repaired.

45:01You got laparoscopic fixing of the labrum?

45:05Yes.

45:06Okay, outpatient?

45:08Outpatient.

45:09It was so awful, John.

45:10I don't have time for this.

45:11I'm so sorry.

45:13I don't have time.

45:14I'm wanting to see it!

45:15They're in my ear.

45:17You better not get the surgery.

45:19It sounded important.

45:20I've already...

45:21Paige, I'm not going to get a laparoscopic procedure.

45:24The choice is, do I continue with physical therapy or get a full hip replacement?

45:27Okay?

45:27I see.

45:28I'm sorry, Paige.

45:29A mazel on the surgery, unless it turned out badly.

45:33And I just...

45:34I had to bail on that.

45:35She has no legs now.

45:36She has no legs.

45:37We can all imagine what happened to Paige, and that might be more fun.

45:41I feel bad.

45:42Paige...

45:43If Paige calls back, let her through.

45:45Okay.

45:47What...

45:48Line three.

45:49Matthew in Atlanta, Georgia.

45:51Go ahead.

45:51You're on Everybody's Live.

45:53How are you, Don?

45:54I just wanted to ask everyone on the couch what each of your favorite forms of ID is.

45:58Oh.

46:01I have a pool membership when I took my son to swimming lessons, and they allow you to send

46:09any photo you want, and it's a red carpet picture of me at the Academy Awards.

46:19Let's go down the line.

46:21And Rami, favorite form of ID?

46:22I guess now it is the passport, because it's land, air, and sea.

46:28No, you're not your passport's license.

46:29It's not your passport.

46:30You're enhanced driver's license.

46:31So you got it for nothing.

46:31No, I know, but my enhanced driver's license doesn't work.

46:33You can't fly with enhanced driver's license.

46:34There's no air.

46:35It's just land and sea.

46:36And you travel a lot.

46:37You're a famous guy.

46:38I do air.

46:38Yeah.

46:40So...

46:40For the passport.

46:41Yeah, for the passport, yeah.

46:42You understand that for most people, that would make sense.

46:45They're not traveling by sea willy-nilly.

46:47I mean, yeah.

46:49Rami, favorite form of ID?

46:52I got to say the sin, the social security, because I don't even have the card.

46:56It's just between my ears.

46:58Andy, favorite form of ID?

47:00Pass.

47:03I actually, you're going to say...

47:04Passport.

47:05Passport, Rich?

47:05I think...

47:06I don't...

47:06Not the passport, because I never leave the house with a passport unless I'm going overseas

47:11or keep it in the safe.

47:12Well, yeah, most people don't carry it around.

47:14But you have to now.

47:15Now I have to.

47:16You have.

47:16That's horrible.

47:17But I'm not going to take a road test.

47:18I'm not going to get everyone laughing at me as I drive around cones.

47:21I'm a grown man.

47:23I have children, and they can't see that.

47:25Imagine me coming home and saying I flunked the driving test.

47:28And your kid's so embarrassed.

47:30I'd rather travel by sea.

47:33Matthew, those are our answers.

47:34What kind of car do you drive?

47:35I drive a 49C and Honda Civic.

47:38That's fucking awesome.

47:39Let's take one of our famous breaks.

47:42We'll be right back.

47:44Now serving G282 at window number 18.

47:50What's the website I'm supposed to fill out?

47:52Oh, dmv.gov.

47:54But if I do that, then I get a reservation?

47:56I get it right away?

47:57Well, the reservation, you're going to wait about a month from now.

48:00Shit.

48:02Excuse me.

48:03Sorry.

48:05Everybody's going in.

48:06Come on!

48:07You guys getting the real ID?

48:09Oh, no.

48:10Oh, okay.

48:13Answers for California driving written test.

48:16Question one.

48:18You may drive off of the paved roadway to pass another vehicle.

48:22What?

48:28Do you want anything from the hot dog cart?

48:30No, I don't want you to get out of line again.

48:32I've seen you multiple times.

48:34I've lost it a few times.

48:36I'm super hungry, though.

48:41Hey, how you doing?

48:42Can I have one hot dog with mustard?

48:44Yes, sir.

48:45Do you have a real ID?

48:46No, I don't.

48:48It's good you're here.

48:49A lot of business the past month?

48:51Yeah.

48:52So far, I'm the only choice.

49:03Who wanted one with mustard?

49:05Thank you so much.

49:06You're very welcome.

49:07Do you want a water?

49:13C'est un peu plus grand de bête.

49:15Il y a un vrai ID.

49:20Oh, il y a un ID?

49:21Il y a un scouper?

49:24Oh, il y a un salle?

49:30Il est encore expiré dans 20h30.

49:33Il est juste pour l'apprentissage.

49:34Do you have an appointment?

49:35J'ai été attendu sur la ligne.

49:38J'ai juste regardé à voir comment c'était.

49:40Vous êtes open demain?

49:41Vous pouvez toujours avoir la réel ID demain?

49:44Donc, après May 7, vous allez toujours avoir la réel?

49:48Oui.

49:49Je vais aller, alors.

49:52Oui, je vais vous dire.

49:55Si il y a une chose que j'ai aujourd'hui,

49:57c'est ce que j'ai aujourd'hui.

49:59C'est ce que j'ai.

50:06Je ne savais pas que vous pouviez acheter des vapes comme ça.

50:09Bienvenue à la programme.

50:11Comme je disais, au final de notre show,

50:13je vais vous montrer les premiers de mes jeunes.

50:16Je n'ai jamais vu les avant.

50:18Vous n'avez jamais vu les avant.

50:19Mais, mesdames et messieurs,

50:21nous avons une musicale, collaborative medley

50:24que nous allons à l'équipe de l'équipe a été attendu pendant des semaines.

50:26Mesdames et messieurs,

50:27Destroyer et Jessica Pratt.

50:29...

50:55Sous-titrage MFP.

51:09Sous-titrage MFP.

51:58Sous-titrage MFP.

52:25Sous-titrage MFP.

52:40Sous-titrage MFP.

53:12Sous-titrage MFP.

53:15Sous-titrage MFP.

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Everybody's S1 E9 Live with John Mulaney ... 123chill_9 Full Movie HD Streaming 2025

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