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00:02:55C'est vrai, ce show n'est pas en en Decembre,
00:02:57donc je décide que ça va être notre épisode de Christmas.
00:03:00Normalement, quand c'est Christmas, on Netflix,
00:03:02vous voyez un film qui coûte 8 dollars,
00:03:05où Vanessa Hudgens falls en love
00:03:07avec un petit homme qui tient à être le Duc de l'Anglant.
00:03:11Mais, nous avons beaucoup plus en place pour vous aujourd'hui.
00:03:14Maintenant, si vous avez vu tout le monde live,
00:03:16chaque semaine, nous choisissons un topic pour le show.
00:03:19Ce week's topic va être,
00:03:21« Le pope est encore au lieu. »
00:03:24Mais...
00:03:26En light of recent events,
00:03:29we had to pivot.
00:03:30So, we came up with a new topic for tonight,
00:03:32and that topic is...
00:03:34Dinosaurs.
00:03:37«A power topic, a fun topic.
00:03:40So, let's get started.
00:03:42You know when you wake up smiling
00:03:44because you know the pope is still very much alive?
00:03:46Oh no, these are the old cards.
00:03:49You might be wondering,
00:03:50Why isn't the topic on the Christmas show Christmas?
00:03:54Well, do you talk about Christmas during Christmas?
00:03:56Is that what your life is like?
00:03:58Look, here's what happened.
00:04:00Every week we got closer to figuring out what the deal with this show is.
00:04:04And tonight we're taking an enormous step backward together with Dinosaur Christmas Party.
00:04:10That's right.
00:04:11We've got another episode of Everybody's Live that will leave my wife asking,
00:04:15What have I done?
00:04:18So I was reading a book to my three-year-old, well, book, it's made of felt.
00:04:23It has a buckle on it, and the last page is a mirror.
00:04:27And not like a good mirror, like you couldn't do lines off of it.
00:04:31Like a children's book mirror that's just a shiny piece of silver plastic.
00:04:37Anyway, so this goddamn fabric book, I'm reading it to him.
00:04:40And I'm flipping around, and one page has these Velcro dinosaurs on it.
00:04:44And you put him above the name, and I'm pointing him out to my toddler son.
00:04:48I go, look, Stegosaurus.
00:04:51Look, Allosaurus.
00:04:52And I started to get a little creeped out because, like, I'm his main source of information.
00:04:59I'm his most trusted name in news.
00:05:02And I'm telling him, like, these are the dinosaurs.
00:05:05And I started to feel like, and I don't mean this in any kind of, like, Christian or, like, political
00:05:11way,
00:05:12but, like, are these things real?
00:05:17They don't sound real.
00:05:19Can we just step back and examine the central premise of dinosaurs?
00:05:24There were a bunch of giant lizards.
00:05:27Some were mean and some were not.
00:05:30And they ruled the world, and then they all died at once.
00:05:35Huh.
00:05:35That sounds like how a lie ends.
00:05:39It's like, oh, I had so many boyfriends at camp this summer.
00:05:42Oh, where are they?
00:05:42Oh, they all live in Canada, and they don't have emails.
00:05:46Scientists are now like, we believe the dinosaurs were killed 66 million years ago by an asteroid.
00:05:50Stop.
00:05:51You don't know that.
00:05:52We don't even know how Gene Hackman and his wife died.
00:05:55And we found their whole bodies with full clothes on one week after the event.
00:06:01How about that Santa Fe police?
00:06:03Oh, hello, press conference number 470.
00:06:05We now believe that a rat bit Mrs. Hackman, turning her hands into mummy hands.
00:06:12Just slow down.
00:06:14You don't know what happened.
00:06:16Do we honestly have confidence that science know everything about dinosaurs?
00:06:20Look, look to your left.
00:06:22Now look to your right.
00:06:23See, you just shook your head no, so you agree with me.
00:06:27God damn it, I'm uncomfortable with this topic.
00:06:30And I wish we weren't doing it.
00:06:32But I picked it, and I'm excited about it.
00:06:35It does feel weird to talk about anything anti-science right now, okay?
00:06:40I don't, I don't love it for that reason.
00:06:43Science and anti-science, it's very politicized.
00:06:46It's just with science, and I'm on your side, and I respect you, and all the things that you're supposed
00:06:50to say.
00:06:50But you guys, I just, you're so needy.
00:06:55We're under attack.
00:06:57Just act cooler.
00:06:59You all stick together.
00:07:00The science community won't stand for this.
00:07:02You're not a community.
00:07:03You're a subject in elementary school.
00:07:05You're like, the recessed community will not be pushed around.
00:07:08Also, whenever science feels really attacked, they pull out this bullshit.
00:07:11They go, our children's science scores are falling behind China.
00:07:14Oh, is that what this is about?
00:07:16Some weird beef you have with kids in China?
00:07:19Look, in terms of paying attention in science class, China's going to win.
00:07:27That's not what American kids do.
00:07:29That's not how we play.
00:07:30We do e-bikes, and we chase Slenderman and shit.
00:07:35Also, do you want to be less vulnerable, science?
00:07:38Get better messengers.
00:07:40The people they push out there, like Bill Nye and that.
00:07:43Don't get me started on that Neil deGrasse Tyson.
00:07:46He was rude to me once on a podcast, so it's kind of personal.
00:07:48But then again, everything's personal.
00:07:50But I just, I don't know.
00:07:51Don't make that guy your front-facing dude.
00:07:53He dresses like he parks cars at the Magic Castle.
00:08:01It's the kind of nuanced critique you're going to hear all night long.
00:08:05All right.
00:08:06Do I think dinosaurs are fake?
00:08:07Absolutely not.
00:08:08Let's, let's set that in stone right now.
00:08:11I believe in them.
00:08:12And you might be thinking, well, John, of course, you've seen the bones in the museums.
00:08:16Yeah, I've seen the bones.
00:08:17I've seen them.
00:08:18Let me say something about that.
00:08:21There's no fucking way those are put together correctly.
00:08:27You're telling me you found a pile of bones with no directions and you nailed it?
00:08:36You ever try to put something normal together with directions?
00:08:41You could barely figure that out.
00:08:43You're telling me you need a drawing to know to put a table leg into a table,
00:08:46but you can eyeball how high dinosaur gooch should be above the kneecap?
00:08:52It would be like if you ordered a credenza from Wayfair.com
00:08:56and it showed up in 800 broken pieces.
00:09:00And then you spread those pieces throughout Syria.
00:09:06And then you spend 40 years dusting off credenza pieces.
00:09:10And then you got a pile of them.
00:09:11And you're like, can I see the directions?
00:09:13There are no directions.
00:09:14Well, can I see what another credenza looked like?
00:09:16No, all the credenzas died 66 million years ago.
00:09:21I bet they just got a pile of dino bones and they gave it to some museum guy.
00:09:25And they were like, figure it out.
00:09:27And he was like, but the museum opens in half an hour.
00:09:33Oh, shit.
00:09:34Okay.
00:09:35Okay.
00:09:36Maybe this is the tail.
00:09:38It had a big tail.
00:09:40Lots of tail.
00:09:41You put it together in a frenzy and you think you figured it out.
00:09:44And you look in the box, there's still two little bones left.
00:09:47You go, where the fuck did these go?
00:09:50Oh, forget it.
00:09:51The T-Rex had little arms.
00:09:53He had tiny, little arms.
00:09:56Didn't you, big fella?
00:09:59Open the door to the museum.
00:10:00Open the door to the museum.
00:10:02Hey, look at this big cocksucker.
00:10:08He was mean, too.
00:10:12All right.
00:10:15We have an incredible show for you tonight.
00:10:17Ayo Adebri is going to be out here in a little bit.
00:10:22Mr. Conan O'Brien is on the show tonight.
00:10:28Plus, we continue to be the best music showcase in entertainment.
00:10:32A band that I have always loved is reuniting for one night only just for you.
00:10:37Mets is here on our stage tonight.
00:10:41To blow the roof off the place and piss off the squares, this is not a bit.
00:10:45You have earplugs, and I would advise that you absolutely wear them.
00:10:49Now, oh, the door.
00:10:51I'll get it.
00:10:52It must be a celebrity.
00:10:54Give me a little Christmas piano accompaniment as I walk over there.
00:10:58Yeah, nice.
00:10:59Oh, yeah, dog.
00:11:01Another big name.
00:11:03A rich person.
00:11:05All right.
00:11:05Well, hello.
00:11:08Merry Christmas.
00:11:09Oh.
00:11:12Hi there.
00:11:13Hi there, sir.
00:11:14I'm sorry to barge in like this, but I couldn't find your chimney.
00:11:18I mean, door.
00:11:19Huh.
00:11:20Uh, but, I mean, where, where are my manners?
00:11:25I'm, I'm Chris Kay.
00:11:27Oh, gross.
00:11:28Bum.
00:11:29Hey, Richard, Richard.
00:11:30Now.
00:11:31Please, please, come inside.
00:11:32It must be 62 degrees and 7-11 p.m. out there.
00:11:36Oh, it's much colder up north where I live.
00:11:39North Hollywood?
00:11:40No.
00:11:40No, no, further.
00:11:41You mean Marin?
00:11:43Oh, you might say a little further.
00:11:49Well, I'll get you some rations from Samo.
00:11:52After all, it is Christmas.
00:11:54You're a, you're a kind boy.
00:11:56You always have been.
00:11:58Hey, fucker.
00:11:59Hey.
00:12:01I know you're a scam.
00:12:02Listen to me.
00:12:03You get him back on the needle and I swear to God, you fuck everything up for us.
00:12:07I will fuck you up, man.
00:12:09I will fuck you up.
00:12:11Hey, Richard, Richard.
00:12:12What?
00:12:12Can I talk to you for a sec?
00:12:13Come here.
00:12:14Yeah, sorry.
00:12:15Come here.
00:12:15Sorry.
00:12:16Come here.
00:12:16Okay, so he's clearly Santa, all right?
00:12:19He's pretending to be poor to reveal our true nature, like Bruce Springsteen.
00:12:23Oh, it's undercover, boss.
00:12:28It's like undercover, boss.
00:12:29Okay.
00:12:30Now, make yourself at home whoever you are.
00:12:34Oh, thank you, young man.
00:12:35You're very kind to this old stranger.
00:12:38I'll do stuff if you give me fentanyl.
00:12:41What?
00:12:43What?
00:12:44What?
00:12:45Merry Christmas.
00:12:47All right.
00:12:48I'll just go clean up.
00:12:49Go wash up, sir.
00:12:51Look at me standing way over here.
00:12:53Can I have some piano accompaniment from my cross to the couch?
00:12:57Thank you, Michael.
00:12:58Now, as I mentioned, tonight's topic on our Christmas episode is dinosaurs roar.
00:13:03And whether or not they are put together correctly.
00:13:06We're taking your calls all evening, as we always do on Everybody's Live,
00:13:09to hear your thoughts on dinosaurs.
00:13:11Please call in to the number that you see on your screens.
00:13:15Are dinosaurs real?
00:13:16Are they put together correctly?
00:13:17Or are they, in fact, nailing it?
00:13:19Ladies and gentlemen, let's bring out our first guest
00:13:22who will help us with this Christmastime dinosaur discussion.
00:13:24He is an absolute hero of mine,
00:13:26and that's the only genuine thing I'll say,
00:13:29because I won't look him in the eye and say anything nice.
00:13:31Ladies and gentlemen, Conan O'Brien!
00:13:52I love it.
00:13:53I'm backstage, and they said all you need to do
00:13:55is push those two giant doors open,
00:13:58and it's like it's a Thai restaurant.
00:14:00Yeah, they're enormously heavy.
00:14:03They are very heavy.
00:14:05They are not guest-friendly doors.
00:14:07Not a bit.
00:14:08No.
00:14:09This is actually a large Airbnb in New Mexico.
00:14:11We transported here.
00:14:13We're really happy about it.
00:14:14Yeah.
00:14:15Conan, I'm going to talk at you for one second.
00:14:18Okay.
00:14:19Congratulations on the Mark Twain prize.
00:14:21Oh, thank you so much.
00:14:22I was very honored to be...
00:14:23Thank you.
00:14:26A part of that night.
00:14:28You came, and, I mean, everyone was hilarious.
00:14:31The funniest thing is they led with you,
00:14:33and you completely destroyed,
00:14:35and I saw everyone, every other comic there,
00:14:38just basically shit their pants.
00:14:40I did go first, and it was an amazing crowd.
00:14:43You know, Washington, D.C. is just a fun place.
00:14:46And so...
00:14:46Especially now, yeah.
00:14:47Especially now.
00:14:48No, but it was such a nice night,
00:14:50and I did the show,
00:14:52and then I came back here to my weird show,
00:14:54which I will tell you is enormously indebted to yours.
00:14:56Now, that may embarrass you.
00:14:59But I was, you know, 11
00:15:02when Late Night with Conan O'Brien came out,
00:15:04and it was a huge moment for me.
00:15:07And there was one runner you did
00:15:09where you guys were trying to locate the actor
00:15:12who played Grady on Sanford and Son.
00:15:15Sanford and Son, yeah.
00:15:15And the actor's name was Whitman Mayo,
00:15:17and you were trying to locate him
00:15:19for a week's worth of shows.
00:15:20And on that Friday, you located Grady,
00:15:22and you brought him out.
00:15:23I was sleeping over at a friend's house.
00:15:25I was 11.
00:15:26And I realized my friend wasn't going to watch Conan,
00:15:29so I raced home in the night to my house
00:15:32to watch a 70-year-old character actor
00:15:34come out on your stage
00:15:35while, whoops, there it is played.
00:15:37Yes.
00:15:38And that moment is on YouTube,
00:15:39and I'm proud to say it has over 900 views.
00:15:49It's really sweet to think about that
00:15:51because this is all pre-internet.
00:15:53This is the 90s,
00:15:54and so we were doing these weird things
00:15:57and mostly just getting scorned from the network,
00:16:00which didn't like it.
00:16:02We had no visible proof that anyone was watching,
00:16:05and if anyone had told us
00:16:06there's an 11-year-old John Mulaney
00:16:08that approves of what we're doing,
00:16:10I would have been so delighted.
00:16:11But we didn't know.
00:16:12We had no idea.
00:16:13A couple weeks before your show premiered,
00:16:15I went for my 11th birthday
00:16:19to see Frank Sinatra, per my request,
00:16:23with my dad at the Aurora Riverboat and Casino.
00:16:27Frank was 77.
00:16:29I was 11.
00:16:30We were both double numbers.
00:16:33And if NBC had known that your key demo
00:16:36was boys who go to see Frank Sinatra,
00:16:38I don't think it would have helped.
00:16:39No, that would not have helped us.
00:16:41You're a weird little kid.
00:16:42Yeah.
00:16:43I picture an 11-year-old
00:16:44with a fedora watching television.
00:16:46I couldn't pull off fedoras,
00:16:48but I had a Newsy cap.
00:16:49Oh, there you go.
00:16:51Before we get into dinosaurs,
00:16:53whether they're real,
00:16:54whether they're put together correctly,
00:16:56you come from a family of like 1,000 people.
00:16:59Did you have Christmas traditions as a kid?
00:17:01Yes.
00:17:02I am one of six siblings.
00:17:05We were all born like three months apart,
00:17:07which is how we would high-five each other in the womb going out.
00:17:11I'll tell you what it's like.
00:17:15Literally, my mom had all six of us in rapid order
00:17:19and then immediately left the house to go be a lawyer.
00:17:23But our Christmas tradition was
00:17:25my father insisted we line up
00:17:27with my youngest brother, Justin, in front
00:17:30and do it by age.
00:17:31Up the stairs?
00:17:32Yeah, so that we were at the top of the stairs
00:17:34and Santa, who's here, I'm told,
00:17:39Santa, all the presents were put in the room downstairs
00:17:42and we had to,
00:17:43it was like something out of Sound of Music,
00:17:44where we had to line up Justin in front,
00:17:47Jane, Kate, then me, then Luke, then Neil,
00:17:50who at that point was in his late 40s.
00:17:54And we were just really wanting to get downstairs
00:17:56and see the presents.
00:17:57It was so exciting.
00:17:58This was like a big deal.
00:17:59Yeah.
00:17:59And then my father would be shooting it with a camera.
00:18:01He never learned how to get the sound to work,
00:18:03so we have this old footage of us.
00:18:05And he would say, this is, you know, 1944,
00:18:07and he would shoot us and he'd say,
00:18:09go, and we would just plow in front of my brother Justin,
00:18:13trampling over him.
00:18:14Like it was a Who concert, late 70s restaurant,
00:18:18and one of you and you.
00:18:20That's it.
00:18:20That's two.
00:18:21I can build on that.
00:18:22Cincinnati Who concert.
00:18:23We've got two people.
00:18:24Yeah.
00:18:24And it was, it was carnage.
00:18:27We had the exact same thing.
00:18:29Did you do it?
00:18:29We had to line up on the goddamn stairs,
00:18:32all leaning against the rail.
00:18:33My dad would take a useless picture.
00:18:35Then we would push into the room where the presents were,
00:18:38but he would stop everything
00:18:39and make my little sister put the Jesus into the manger.
00:18:43as if that was what Christmas was about.
00:18:45No.
00:18:46It was infuriating.
00:18:47No, there was no Jesus in our Christmas.
00:18:49There was no Jesus in your Christmas.
00:18:50Not really.
00:18:50I mean, we had to go to mass afterwards,
00:18:52but, you know, we didn't pay attention.
00:18:53That's so crazy, because Jesus is from Boston.
00:18:55I know.
00:18:57He's from Dorchester.
00:18:59He opened a restaurant with the Wahlbergs.
00:19:01Yeah, he did comedy in a Chinese restaurant for years, Jesus.
00:19:05Conan, any strong opinions on dinosaurs?
00:19:08I'm with you.
00:19:08I don't think they know what they're doing.
00:19:11And I'm with the Triceratops is where it throws me.
00:19:14That's the one that has the big...
00:19:15You know that it looks like it's wearing a dog collar?
00:19:17You know the Triceratops?
00:19:18Yeah.
00:19:18It's got that giant bone.
00:19:20I think they arbitrarily put it behind the head.
00:19:22It could go anywhere.
00:19:23I think it drifts further back on the body
00:19:25or forward and is kind of like a salad guard.
00:19:27That's my impression.
00:19:28I'll tell you why I don't fuck with Triceratops
00:19:30is because, like, nowadays,
00:19:32dinosaur scientists or paleontologists,
00:19:34whatever they want to be called,
00:19:35they're all like,
00:19:36oh, you know, actual birds are the descendants of dinosaurs.
00:19:39And I'm like, so a rhino isn't?
00:19:41Because a Triceratops and a rhino have a lot more in common
00:19:44than a Triceratops and a goddamn cockatiel.
00:19:46You're so bored of this concept
00:19:49that you just yawned.
00:19:52Nope.
00:19:53Nope.
00:19:54I had a vanilla milkshake right before the monologue.
00:19:58Terrible idea.
00:19:59And a little of it just came up.
00:20:00Okay.
00:20:00I always eat two steaks and a vanilla milkshake
00:20:04right before I walk in.
00:20:05Yeah, I'm gonna tell you, I'm with you.
00:20:08I don't think, I think we know more about this
00:20:11than anyone who's devoted their,
00:20:13you and I know more about this
00:20:15than any nerd that's devoted,
00:20:18you and I being jocks in this scenario.
00:20:20For sure.
00:20:20We know more about this than any nerd
00:20:24that's devoted their life to trying to figure it out.
00:20:26I don't know any, at what age would you come up that,
00:20:28oh.
00:20:28How dare you interrupt?
00:20:31I had a whole thing I was doing.
00:20:34He was ramping.
00:20:35And you, if you're way too big mouth, step in.
00:20:38I'm better, I'm kind.
00:20:41I'm sorry, Richard.
00:20:42I don't know what hat came over me.
00:20:43I'm sorry.
00:20:44Continue.
00:20:45At what age do you say everything that I learned as a kid
00:20:49is wrong and these are not, this is not true?
00:20:52It's the Paul Simon song.
00:20:53It's Kodachrome.
00:20:54When I think back to all the...
00:20:56I can't afford this.
00:20:57I can't afford Kodachrome.
00:20:58I wasn't trying to sing it.
00:21:00You think I can afford...
00:21:01When I look back on all...
00:21:03If you sing it incorrectly, you don't have to pay.
00:21:07Okay.
00:21:08When I look back...
00:21:09And it's like Stairway to Heaven.
00:21:10Sing it as, sing it as like Crowded Zoom
00:21:12instead of Kodachrome, then it'll be parody
00:21:14and I'll get away with it.
00:21:17That couldn't have gone better, that joke.
00:21:21It's fun for things to come out of your mouth
00:21:23on live television that you're like,
00:21:25this isn't thought out.
00:21:26And then it just lands with a dud.
00:21:27I keep thinking, we can edit this.
00:21:29And then I realize we cannot.
00:21:31We cannot.
00:21:32They're watching this in South Korea right now.
00:21:35And there's no chance.
00:21:36I have a call now.
00:21:37Ashley, okay.
00:21:38I have a call from a paleontologist.
00:21:40Is this right?
00:21:41Is this his real name, Dr. Jack Horner?
00:21:46Hi, you're on Everybody's Live
00:21:47with Conan O'Brien, Richard Kind, and John Mulaney.
00:21:50Who is this?
00:21:52Jack Horner, paleontologist.
00:21:58Sir, I can tell by your tone you are not lying.
00:22:01Yeah.
00:22:03Okay, let's move past it.
00:22:04Your name's Dr. Jack Horner.
00:22:05Where do you study or practice paleontology?
00:22:11Well, I work in California right now,
00:22:14but I dig up dinosaurs in Montana,
00:22:16and I do attempt to put them together correctly.
00:22:20Yes, but the key word here is you attempt to put them together correctly.
00:22:25But will you admit you often think you probably got it wrong?
00:22:30Well, you know, we might get it wrong occasionally, yep.
00:22:34That's, uh...
00:22:34Wait, Dr. Horner, Dr. Horner, uh, I, there's a, there's a couple things I'd like to run by you.
00:22:41Uh, are, are birds really descendants of dinosaurs?
00:22:45Yes, they are.
00:22:46Birds are...
00:22:46Birds are...
00:22:47Birds are dinosaurs.
00:22:48As much, as fun as your voice is, let me just tell you something.
00:22:52You sold, you sold children through pop culture around the world a, a false bill of goods,
00:22:57that dinosaurs are big jacked ass fucking lizards with claws.
00:23:00Yep, yep.
00:23:01And in fact, they're macaws on the shoulder of Beretta.
00:23:03Thoughts?
00:23:04Yes.
00:23:05Good one.
00:23:05Get them.
00:23:10Agree or disagree?
00:23:11On Jurassic Park.
00:23:12Yeah.
00:23:14On Jurassic Park, they, uh, they are kind of big, ugly things.
00:23:17But, you know, now we know that they were colorful and, yeah, they probably even danced and sang.
00:23:23You know, did the same kind of things birds do.
00:23:25I'm sorry, you're, you're basing your research on a movie you saw in 1993.
00:23:34Well, you know, there, there have been a few since then.
00:23:38What kind of car do you drive?
00:23:43Okay, bye.
00:23:46That, that, that guy, that guy I could have either talked to for three hours or hung up on a
00:23:52media thing.
00:23:52You could have done three hours on the pauses between our questions and his answers.
00:23:57So, what do you think of dinosaurs?
00:24:00Well, sir.
00:24:02I did hang up on him, right?
00:24:03Okay, good.
00:24:06Uh, let's see, we're going to move on to our next, let's see, oh, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes.
00:24:11This is what I want to get to.
00:24:13Oh, yeah.
00:24:13We're going to take more calls in a moment, Conan and Rich.
00:24:15But, there are a lot of questions facing our nation.
00:24:18So, recently, I gathered a focus group of Terminator 2 stunt doubles and asked them some important questions.
00:24:25Please take a look.
00:24:40On July 3rd, 1991, Terminator 2 Judgment Day, the greatest action film ever made, was released.
00:24:47I've gathered the stunt coordinators and stunt doubles that made T2 so awesome, to ask them a few questions.
00:24:55Also, because their cars aren't here yet, some of the Willy Lomans from our earlier focus group are going to
00:25:00be sitting in.
00:25:05Thank you all so much for doing this.
00:25:07As a stunt double, did you have a specialty?
00:25:10Everybody's got their thing, and they're kind of known for their thing.
00:25:13What's your thing?
00:25:14Trucks.
00:25:15I'm a motorcycle guy, mostly.
00:25:16We specialize in flying people or flipping cars.
00:25:19You're an underwater guy.
00:25:20I am.
00:25:21That's why I've taken seven vehicles off into the water, but I enjoy that.
00:25:26Did one of you drive the big rig in the L.A. River?
00:25:29I drove it a little bit when the truck is hitting the back wheel of the motorcycle.
00:25:34I was burly attendant number one.
00:25:36When she's walking out with the needle to the doctor's neck, I'm the elderly who grabs it.
00:25:40She palm strikes me and pushes me down.
00:25:43Linda comes back running after she sees Arnold, and I meet her in the hallway and tackle her.
00:25:49I stand up.
00:25:50He throws me across the hallway through the window and the door.
00:25:54Wow.
00:25:54Like I was yesterday.
00:25:57James Cameron on the scale of collaborative to not collaborative.
00:26:00I'd like to speak to that.
00:26:02Go ahead.
00:26:03So I was Linda Sarah Connor's stand-in the whole time.
00:26:06He was very precise, very specific, knew what he wanted.
00:26:10And if you didn't do it, you'd get to wear a rawhide bone around your neck all day.
00:26:14You got boned today.
00:26:15Do you remember any of James Cameron's zingers?
00:26:18At RAP, he gave us all a t-shirt, and every zinger is written on the back of that t
00:26:22-shirt,
00:26:22and I brought it to show you.
00:26:23Are any of you, Arnold, getting lowered into the...
00:26:26Oh, yeah.
00:26:27That was me.
00:26:28The last one in the movie where he gives a thumbs up as he melts away.
00:26:32Yeah, that was me.
00:26:34Could I see the thumbs up?
00:26:35That's like this.
00:26:40Buddy, you're 82.
00:26:42My wife won't let me do cannon rolls or any big car stunts anymore, but...
00:26:47Yeah, a lot of people at 82 give up cannon rolls.
00:26:56As a Terminator, recommend a good book to me.
00:27:00Try to read Gulliver's Travels.
00:27:02What city do you want to retire to?
00:27:04Half Moon Bay.
00:27:06Nassau.
00:27:07Bahamas.
00:27:08Now, I'm going to show you some images, and I'd like to get your reaction to them as Arnold.
00:27:14Hot dog.
00:27:14Arnold.
00:27:16Jacuzzi.
00:27:16Water.
00:27:17Come with me if you want to, Jacuzzi.
00:27:19Hugh Grant.
00:27:20I taught him how to rollerblade for the movie Nine Months.
00:27:23Him and Jeff Goldblum.
00:27:25As Terminator, could you say, Jeff Goldblum, come with me if you want to live?
00:27:28Jeff Goldblum, come with me if you want to live.
00:27:31Perfect.
00:27:35Hey, thank you all again for being here.
00:27:37I just got word that the elevators are down and the stairwell is inaccessible.
00:27:41Come with me if you want to live.
00:27:46Go!
00:27:47Go!
00:27:47Go!
00:27:53Go!
00:27:57Go!
00:27:58Go!
00:27:58Go!
00:27:58Go!
00:27:58Come on!
00:27:59Come on!
00:28:00Come on!
00:28:03Go!
00:28:04Go!
00:28:05Let's go!
00:28:21Merry Christmas!
00:28:23It's Dinosaur Day, and we wish you a Merry Christmas.
00:28:26I'm talking dinosaurs with Conan O'Brien and a very weird man that just called.
00:28:30But I'd like to bring out our next guest to the panel.
00:28:33I've had the pleasure of working with her before, and I am so thrilled to have her on
00:28:36our stage tonight.
00:28:37Everybody, put your hands together for Iowa Debris!
00:28:59Thank you for having me, and happy Christmas episode.
00:29:06Happy Christmas episode to you.
00:29:07Um, I, and also dinosaur episode as well.
00:29:10Thank you so much.
00:29:11I brought you a present, if that's all right.
00:29:14Really?
00:29:14Okay.
00:29:15Yeah, I did.
00:29:16Samo!
00:29:17Oh!
00:29:18What?
00:29:18It's inside Samo?
00:29:19Yeah.
00:29:20He looks gorgeous, by the way.
00:29:21And he moves so fast.
00:29:26It's okay.
00:29:27It's okay.
00:29:27It's okay.
00:29:27It's okay.
00:29:27It's okay.
00:29:28Don't worry.
00:29:29Editing.
00:29:29Editing.
00:29:30Yep.
00:29:30Should I take it out of him here?
00:29:32Yeah.
00:29:32Should I be cedar?
00:29:33Yes.
00:29:34Um, I'm gonna open him up.
00:29:36Release.
00:29:36Thank you.
00:29:37Oh my god, it's a gift gift.
00:29:39It's a gift gift.
00:29:40It's a real gift.
00:29:41Io, this is so nice.
00:29:41Yeah.
00:29:42Do you want me to read the card?
00:29:43No, it says give to Io on the front of the card.
00:29:45Oh, I'm sorry.
00:29:46Give to Io.
00:29:46It's okay.
00:29:47So, wanna get extra close to that.
00:29:49Where's the cam?
00:29:51Okay.
00:29:53So, sometimes I write these letterbox reviews.
00:29:57So...
00:29:58Yeah.
00:29:59I wrote one of your show.
00:30:01Oh my god.
00:30:02Oh, you can open it up, by the way, too.
00:30:04There's stuff in it?
00:30:05There's stuff in it.
00:30:06Okay.
00:30:06I wouldn't just give a box and then a letter.
00:30:08I'm not, you know, an animal.
00:30:09I thought maybe you figured...
00:30:10Well, I'd put this in the box.
00:30:11Of course, yeah.
00:30:12This guy.
00:30:13Um...
00:30:14Hey, by the way.
00:30:15Okay.
00:30:16Um...
00:30:17Okay, so this is my letterbox review of your show.
00:30:21Okay, so we all know crack is bad.
00:30:26Yes, we can all agree that crack is something bad.
00:30:29But consider this.
00:30:31Crack gave us funk music.
00:30:33Crack gave us Tyrone Biggums.
00:30:36Crack gave us Whitney Houston saying,
00:30:38First of all, let's get one thing straight.
00:30:40Crack is cheap.
00:30:41I make too much money to ever smoke crack.
00:30:43Let's get that straight, okay?
00:30:44We don't do crack.
00:30:45We don't do that.
00:30:46Crack is whack.
00:30:48The spirit of crack, one could argue, has also given us this show.
00:30:53John Mulaney, sober and a father, is basically spiritually on crack.
00:30:59To be clear, I think this is a good thing.
00:31:03This man shows up dressed up like a Pentecostal deacon's son headed to the 2008 NBA draft only to end
00:31:10up a fifth round reject.
00:31:11And yet, he puts out some of the sharpest comedy happening right now.
00:31:16And aided by, in my humble opinion, some of the best writers in TV, this show indulges in volleying between
00:31:22keen, deeply specific observational comedy and playful surrealism.
00:31:27I wrote surrealism twice.
00:31:29As it pleases.
00:31:30You can't put your finger on which way it'll go or why other than he and the writers want to
00:31:35do it, haven't seen it before and think it's funny.
00:31:37It adds up to something completely singular.
00:31:39The man is a gift to comedy.
00:31:40He is also, maybe, probably insane.
00:31:43But, I think this is good and I think crack is bad.
00:31:49Also, I love Richard Kind.
00:31:51I want to adopt him and take him to a diner not too far from the courthouse and split an
00:31:55ice cream sundae and celebrate our new family with him.
00:31:58Four stars and a heart.
00:32:00Yes.
00:32:00I am.
00:32:03That's the nicest thing I've ever been given.
00:32:06And here's your present.
00:32:08Oh, my God.
00:32:10Oh, it's a little dinosaur.
00:32:12It's a little leftover dinosaur.
00:32:13I had it in my house.
00:32:14You've had this in your house?
00:32:15Yeah, it's just leftover.
00:32:16And this is the dinosaurs we were sold on.
00:32:18Super Jack.
00:32:19Yeah.
00:32:20Bisexual.
00:32:21I agree with you guys.
00:32:23Gay ass.
00:32:24By the way, the guy, the doctor, okay, saying that we know they're colorful now from the bones?
00:32:30From the bones.
00:32:31How do you know they're colorful from the bones?
00:32:32That doesn't make sense.
00:32:33It doesn't make any sense.
00:32:34And dance.
00:32:36He said they dance.
00:32:37There's a lot of doctors.
00:32:37Yeah, that's where he realized.
00:32:39Oh, my God.
00:32:40Again, he cited a movie as his major piece of information.
00:32:44Which isn't great.
00:32:45Which isn't great.
00:32:45That's not good.
00:32:47Let's see if there's any other dino comments.
00:32:49Let's go to Wilder.
00:32:50Hello, Wilder.
00:32:51You're on everybody's live.
00:32:54Hi.
00:32:54Hi.
00:32:55Hi.
00:32:58Hi, Wilder.
00:32:59How old are you, buddy?
00:33:00Hi.
00:33:01Good.
00:33:04How old are you, Wilder?
00:33:06Seven.
00:33:07Oh.
00:33:08Do you have something to say about dinosaurs?
00:33:12Um, I like dinosaurs.
00:33:16About Santa?
00:33:17I have a story.
00:33:18What?
00:33:19Did you say about Santa?
00:33:21Mm-hmm.
00:33:24What do you want to say about Santa?
00:33:28Um, one time at school I got in trouble about saying Santa wasn't real.
00:33:35But one of my friends, one of my best friends, Avin, believed me that he was real.
00:33:40And one of my friends, Riker, texted my mom and said that, um, that he was upset that Santa,
00:33:50that I said Santa wasn't real.
00:33:53And also one of my friends, Archer, says...
00:33:56Wilder, what kind of car do you drive?
00:34:01Okay, buddy.
00:34:03Um, stay in school, man.
00:34:08And God bless.
00:34:09Um, did you get in trouble for this, Wilder?
00:34:12Sorry.
00:34:14Yes.
00:34:16Okay.
00:34:17When you get a car, you call me back.
00:34:19All right.
00:34:19That was Wilder, everybody.
00:34:21Are we taking...
00:34:24Ashley, we are taking Christmas calls as well.
00:34:27How many people are Christmas versus...
00:34:32Okay, okay.
00:34:33Uh, uh, Chuck, uh, line four.
00:34:36Okay.
00:34:37Okay, I think this is a...
00:34:38Hello, Chuck.
00:34:39Are you a Christmas call or a dinosaur call?
00:34:41Oh, I'm a dinosaur call.
00:34:43I'm calling because I'm a best-selling author who has made a whole career out of writing dinosaur erotica.
00:34:53Look, Ayo just wrote the most poignant review of this show.
00:34:58And I just want to make sure that we still keep it on the rails here.
00:35:01Uh, you write dinosaur erotica.
00:35:04Yes.
00:35:05Um, I think my most famous and award-winning book is called Space Raptor Butt Invasion.
00:35:13It was, uh, it was nominated for a Hugo Award.
00:35:17It was nominated for a...
00:35:19What is a Hugo Award?
00:35:20Science Fiction Award.
00:35:21Science Fiction Award.
00:35:22Really?
00:35:23Oh, look at you two fucking dorks.
00:35:28Um...
00:35:28Who won?
00:35:29Yeah.
00:35:30Because if you were nominated, you didn't win, no offense, respect.
00:35:34And what was the category?
00:35:36Um, well, it was best science fiction, uh, short, but I didn't win, so I wrote a book called, um,
00:35:43Pounded By My Hugo Award Loss.
00:35:46Because you can write erotica about pretty much anything.
00:35:48Wow.
00:35:49Uh, Chuck, everything in my brain and body is telling me to hang up, but, uh, yeah.
00:35:54I just want to know, like, um, sorry to...
00:35:56I'm not trying to taint what you do.
00:35:58Is it...
00:35:59Like, is dinosaur erotica the same as bestiality?
00:36:06No, well, no, so here's...
00:36:08Here's the situation.
00:36:10You're not allowed to, uh, to write it if the animal, uh, still exists.
00:36:16So when...
00:36:17Whenever those, like, things...
00:36:18Wait, there's a legal...
00:36:20There's a legal definition, and it's if the animal exists?
00:36:25Yes, so I can write about unicorns or big feet.
00:36:28I guess the jury's out on big feet.
00:36:30Okay.
00:36:31Yeah, the jury's out, but not on unicorns.
00:36:34Yeah.
00:36:34Okay, thank you, Chuck.
00:36:35What kind of car do you drive?
00:36:37Uh, well, Chuck Tingle's a dang pen name.
00:36:40I can't tell you...
00:36:41Okay.
00:36:42All right.
00:36:42You know, um...
00:36:44So I can't, uh...
00:36:47I can't sing Kodachrome.
00:36:48No.
00:36:49But these people can come on and say whatever the fuck they want.
00:36:52Because you and I...
00:36:53You and I did not know the line in music publishing rights.
00:36:57Yeah, he knows the law.
00:36:58But he absolutely knows...
00:36:58He knows the law.
00:36:59He knows the law.
00:37:00He knows the line exactly.
00:37:00He knows the line exactly.
00:37:02You can talk about erotica with...
00:37:04Oh, sorry.
00:37:05Oh, ho, ho, ho!
00:37:06This guy is Santa, I think.
00:37:08Yeah.
00:37:08Got it.
00:37:08Hi.
00:37:09Who likes puppies?
00:37:11Well...
00:37:14Really bad timing.
00:37:15I see some well-behaved girls and boys on this panel.
00:37:19Which one of you wants to buy a puppy from my trunk?
00:37:22Oh, hey, that's terrible.
00:37:24And aren't you supposed to give people gifts on Christmas, not sell them?
00:37:27It's not Christmas.
00:37:28It's April.
00:37:29So, till I get my money right, I sell gifts, John!
00:37:35Oh, and Io, you're on the good list.
00:37:38Ha, ha, ha!
00:37:39Would you like to buy any puppies?
00:37:41No.
00:37:41Or maybe a guitar case that says Mets?
00:37:44Were you touching the band's shit?
00:37:47You sound like that guy who thinks he's better than me from the crew.
00:37:51Will someone please just fucking buy something from him so he leaves?
00:37:54Oh, I know, I know.
00:37:55Well, John, they could buy an Everybody's Life gift bag.
00:38:02Yeah, yeah.
00:38:04Look, look at this.
00:38:06There's a water bottle.
00:38:08Yeah.
00:38:08And a T-shirt.
00:38:10And, uh...
00:38:12Oh!
00:38:13Oh, look, there's a handwritten card.
00:38:15What?
00:38:16Pfff!
00:38:17Look!
00:38:20Conan, you're my hero.
00:38:22Stop it.
00:38:23If this show is half as funny as Late Night, we're doing something right.
00:38:28Conan, shut up, man.
00:38:29Ah, ah!
00:38:30He...
00:38:31He handwritten in market!
00:38:33All right, all right.
00:38:33Fuck you.
00:38:35You know, at least when I suck someone off, it's for fentanyl.
00:38:39I know, I know.
00:38:41I'm leaving frame.
00:38:42All right.
00:38:43He's leaving frame.
00:38:45Santa.
00:38:47Really a...
00:38:50Really a terrible moment after that caller to try to sell puppies.
00:38:54Sell puppies.
00:38:54I want everyone to know that, you know, we don't know what callers are going to say.
00:38:58It's on the line.
00:38:59It's on the line.
00:39:00Uh, listen.
00:39:01I know what I want to do.
00:39:02Ladies and gentlemen, some of you are aware that we had Rita Moreno, the great Rita Moreno, booked on this
00:39:07episode.
00:39:08And I'm very sorry to say that she cannot be here tonight.
00:39:11We hope she's doing okay.
00:39:12Rita, if you're watching, I don't know why you would be.
00:39:14But we hope you're doing great and we're excited to see you on another episode soon.
00:39:18But as, uh, happens on live TV, we have a nice special surprise fill-in guest.
00:39:24So, ladies and gentlemen, please welcome Tina Fey.
00:39:36Hey, thank you again.
00:39:42Hey, Tina.
00:39:44Thank you so much for being here.
00:39:46Ayo, Conan, Rich, I don't know if you know everybody.
00:39:49I know all of them.
00:39:51Tina, how, uh, have you ever filled in for Rita Moreno before?
00:39:55Uh, once in the movie West Side Story, but it goes by so quickly, you can't even tell.
00:39:59You were an infant and you just, yeah.
00:40:02Um, well, I am so grateful for you for being here and coming in.
00:40:06I don't see you often in Los Angeles, so thank you so much.
00:40:09Yeah, I just got off the plane, uh, like, a couple hours ago.
00:40:12And you're right here now.
00:40:13And I'm here and I'm sleepy.
00:40:16And also, I keep thinking about how this is live.
00:40:18And sometimes I get, like, uh, violent nosebleeds and I keep almost hoping that I'll get one now.
00:40:24Wouldn't that be incredible?
00:40:26Yeah, I sometimes just faint.
00:40:27Like, it started when I was an altar boy.
00:40:29I will just start to get nervous about fainting and then I'll pass out.
00:40:32You probably lock your knees, yeah.
00:40:33And yeah, I knock my, I lock everything and then I'm down.
00:40:36Yeah.
00:40:36And I always wonder if it's gonna happen on everybody's life.
00:40:39And so far, no, because...
00:40:42You know the last time I fainted?
00:40:43Where?
00:40:43I just thought about it.
00:40:45Last time I fainted was, uh, in the stirrups at Planned Parenthood in Chicago.
00:40:49Hey!
00:40:51Fainted.
00:40:52Fainted.
00:40:52I know that city.
00:40:53So that's a good place to faint.
00:40:54It's a great place to faint.
00:40:56Well, I mean, you're reclined.
00:40:58Yeah.
00:40:59Yeah.
00:40:59Anyway, I don't know why I brought that up.
00:41:00I fainted.
00:41:01I was giving blood at a Quest Diagnostics.
00:41:04Is there any worse place in the world?
00:41:06And I...
00:41:07A brick and mortar Quest Diagnostics?
00:41:09Yeah.
00:41:09And they gave me, like, a chair that not only didn't recline but pitched forward.
00:41:13And I was like, could I put my feet up?
00:41:16I faint sometimes when I give blood.
00:41:17And the woman went, I've never heard of that ever.
00:41:21Um, do you give a shit about dinosaurs or anything?
00:41:24Uh, I am a longtime, uh, board member at the Museum of Natural History in New York City.
00:41:31Wow.
00:41:32An honorary board member.
00:41:33And for many years, my job has been to, um, coordinate the celebrity chef for the gala.
00:41:40So I don't know shit about dinosaurs, John.
00:41:43What are the other board members of the Natural History Museum like?
00:41:47Are they bears?
00:41:47Uh, they're...
00:41:48You mean, like, in the gay culture way?
00:41:50Yeah, both.
00:41:51Yeah.
00:41:51Yeah, 100%.
00:41:52Um, no, there's a bunch of people who...
00:41:54There's a bunch of scientists.
00:41:55And then there's a bunch of truly, like, wealthy, generous people.
00:41:58And then it's like me and Lorne Michaels.
00:42:01And, like, Lorne Michaels gets a band every year.
00:42:03And he's intimately involved in all of the exhibits and diaries.
00:42:05They named a bug after him.
00:42:06They did?
00:42:07They did.
00:42:07What's it called?
00:42:08Lorne Michaels.
00:42:11Now, I do want to say this about the dinosaur, let's call it scam.
00:42:15A lot of people are calling it a sham tonight.
00:42:17The assembling of the dinosaurs to look big and scary is done to sell tickets to museums.
00:42:23And people go, like, well, if we didn't do that, no one would come to museums.
00:42:26Museums have been around for, like, a hundred years.
00:42:28The idea of a mansion filled with shit that you walk around and look at isn't some, like, eternal thing.
00:42:33Conan thoughts.
00:42:34Wow.
00:42:36I just wish the audience had seen Waymo get stuck on stage.
00:42:40No, they did.
00:42:41They did.
00:42:41They saw it at home?
00:42:42Oh, good.
00:42:42And men came out and wrestled it away.
00:42:45Yeah.
00:42:45That's my favorite thing that can happen on a live late night show.
00:42:49And I know the audience saw it, but I don't know if they saw it at home, but they looked
00:42:53like they were mugging and stealing Waymo.
00:42:55It really did.
00:42:57It was actually, to me, it was a highlight.
00:43:00It looked like a kidnapping of a death squad while she was reading her Beautiful Letterboxd review.
00:43:04Which can happen and which has happened to me before.
00:43:08Have you ever been thrown in a car?
00:43:10Actually, yeah.
00:43:13More?
00:43:14Sure.
00:43:15Yeah.
00:43:16I don't know.
00:43:16I'm from Boston.
00:43:17Stuff be happening.
00:43:18Stuff be happening in Boston.
00:43:19Yeah.
00:43:20Yeah.
00:43:20My dad is an Uber driver.
00:43:23Really?
00:43:23Yeah.
00:43:24We could get, like, if we go to Boston, we could get your dad?
00:43:26Yeah.
00:43:28Le, um, Leslie has been in my dad's Uber, actually.
00:43:32When she, when they were filming Ghostbusters in Boston.
00:43:35Leslie Jones?
00:43:35Yeah.
00:43:36Dad's Uber?
00:43:36Yeah.
00:43:37That's a real story.
00:43:38That's the movie I want to see.
00:43:39How many stars did he give her?
00:43:41I think it was a mutual five.
00:43:42Oh, good, good, good.
00:43:43Cause she took a selfie with him and then I posted on Instagram and I was like, that's crazy.
00:43:47And she was like, be nice to your father.
00:43:51So, you know, it's a work in progress.
00:43:53But yeah.
00:43:54Very cool.
00:43:56Let's talk to one of these psychos.
00:43:58I love it.
00:43:59Uh, line four, Cooper.
00:44:02Hi, Cooper from Kentucky.
00:44:03You're on Everybody's Live.
00:44:05Tina Fey just joined us.
00:44:06We have Iowa debris.
00:44:07We have Conan O'Brien.
00:44:07Richard Kine.
00:44:08What's up?
00:44:10Hi, John.
00:44:10I'm doing great.
00:44:12I'm actually a commercial paleontologist.
00:44:14So I go out and find fossils and sell them for a living.
00:44:18You sell fossils?
00:44:20Fossils can be sold?
00:44:22Yeah.
00:44:23Like crystal shops?
00:44:24It's kind of an interesting thing.
00:44:26Cause as far as the government's concerned...
00:44:27Well, we'll decide if it's interesting.
00:44:28Yeah.
00:44:29But I'm sorry.
00:44:30Well, you'll find dinosaur fossils and don't you have to turn them over to a museum or the
00:44:33state or the...
00:44:35I know.
00:44:37So in the U.S. fossils are considered rocks.
00:44:41So it's just mineral rights basically.
00:44:43They're not like landmarked?
00:44:45Uh, not really.
00:44:45The goddamn Arby sign down the street on sunset is landmarked.
00:44:51How's a bone a rock?
00:44:53Yeah.
00:44:54Sorry.
00:44:54Io has a good question.
00:44:55How's a bone a rock?
00:44:56How's a bone a rock?
00:44:58I can answer this.
00:45:00Well, it's from the...
00:45:01It's from the process of...
00:45:02Over time the carbon molecules are replaced by actual...
00:45:05I'm sorry.
00:45:06Uh, you...
00:45:06You do it.
00:45:08Yeah.
00:45:08You were going good there.
00:45:10Yeah, I know.
00:45:10It's just...
00:45:11I know.
00:45:13I know.
00:45:15Well, Cooper, do you make a good living selling the bones of dinosaurs to, I guess,
00:45:20Jeffrey Epstein?
00:45:22Get him.
00:45:24Uh, on occasion.
00:45:25You know, it comes and goes.
00:45:27How much do you get for like a big old jaw of a dinosaur?
00:45:32Well, you know, um, recently I sold a bird for over $15,000.
00:45:38You sold a bird?
00:45:40Yep.
00:45:41All right.
00:45:42Bye.
00:45:44You know, it's...
00:45:45These people have such interesting lives and then they really...
00:45:48They have so little to offer us over the phone.
00:45:51Yeah.
00:45:51I'm actually shocked that you can sell dinosaur fossils.
00:45:54I thought somehow, like, you know, some sort of federal dinosaur thing would sweep in and get it.
00:46:00I think he's...
00:46:01It's crossing a line.
00:46:02It feels to me like it's a slippery slope.
00:46:05I mean, in five years he's visiting graveyards, you know?
00:46:09And profiting off the very dead and, uh, that's what I'm concerned about.
00:46:14And another guy that knows a very specific thing in the law.
00:46:17Yeah, yeah.
00:46:18Like, no, no, technically those are rocks so I can sell those bones and people can do whatever they want
00:46:22to them.
00:46:23Tina, do you collect anything?
00:46:25Uh, do I collect anything?
00:46:27Uh, no, not really.
00:46:28Yeah, neither do I.
00:46:30Yeah.
00:46:30I don't... I don't... no.
00:46:31Yeah.
00:46:32Yeah.
00:46:33Maybe...
00:46:33Maybe if we had answers it'd be good, but...
00:46:37But I don't have any.
00:46:38Rich, do you collect anything?
00:46:40Fossils?
00:46:41Fossils I do not collect.
00:46:42Crystals?
00:46:43I have a Don Quixote collection.
00:46:45What does that mean?
00:46:46Say more.
00:46:47I collect the books, statues, you know, volumes of...
00:46:50Really?
00:46:51I love Don Quixote and I... I do.
00:46:53A little thing we learned about you.
00:46:55There you go.
00:46:55Let's go to Don in Philadelphia.
00:46:58Don, Philadelphia, you have a dinosaur named after you?
00:47:01I do, John.
00:47:02It's got a small brain and a large belly.
00:47:05Ha, ha, ha.
00:47:06Uh...
00:47:06Ha, ha.
00:47:07What...
00:47:08What's the dinosaur called?
00:47:10Lessomsaurus, because that's my last name.
00:47:12It's called a what?
00:47:13Ah, yeah.
00:47:15Lessomsaurus, because my last name is...
00:47:16Conan, do you know of the Lessomsaurus?
00:47:18You nodded like you were aware of it.
00:47:19I'm pretending I have knowledge I don't have.
00:47:23Just because I think someone here should know something.
00:47:26No, I don't.
00:47:27Well, I think we're pretty...
00:47:28We're loaded for bear with opinions.
00:47:29I think we just don't have a lot of data.
00:47:31Yeah, well...
00:47:32Actually, you're right, John.
00:47:34Because half of all dinosaurs' names are named wrong.
00:47:37Half of all dinosaurs' what?
00:47:40Named...
00:47:40I've been named wrongly.
00:47:42Oh, okay.
00:47:43Says who?
00:47:43Says who?
00:47:44What were they supposed to be named?
00:47:46Says...
00:47:47Says another dinosaur scientist when they find more bones.
00:47:50Is this not Santa?
00:47:56Every paleontologist cracks themselves up.
00:47:59I know.
00:48:00Each one is delighted with their own quips.
00:48:03It's not and they all laugh like a cat.
00:48:04He he he he he he he he.
00:48:06He he he he he.
00:48:06They're skulls and then they're hews.
00:48:10Don, I do want to run one fact that I heard by you.
00:48:14Do you now believe dinosaurs aren't just ancestors of birds,
00:48:18mais c'est qu'ils avaient l'oeuvres themselves ?
00:48:20Oui, c'est vrai.
00:48:23Non vous pensez que cela
00:48:25prendra l'oeuvres,
00:48:28l'oeuvres,
00:48:29jacked-as
00:48:31dinosaures que nous avons tous soldés
00:48:32sur Jurassic Park et dans la pop culture ?
00:48:36Non,
00:48:36parce qu'il y a des dinosaures sans
00:48:38et des dinosaures sans feuilles.
00:48:39Oh, il y a deux ways.
00:48:42Comme un restaurant chicken.
00:48:44Merci beaucoup, Don.
00:48:45Il y a beaucoup de choses qui se sont
00:48:48dans ces museums.
00:48:48Si, à la ville de Chicago,
00:48:51qui est une collection
00:48:53de randons, mais ils ont donné une personne
00:48:55et une attitude.
00:48:57Il y a beaucoup de museums
00:48:58de personnes personnelles
00:49:00en une façon clevere façon
00:49:02avec une backstory.
00:49:03C'est de l'actuale museum
00:49:05à Southern California.
00:49:07Je pense qu'ils sont vraiment trop loin.
00:49:10Kevin, vous mindre ?
00:49:14Bonjour.
00:49:15Je suis un dinosaure.
00:49:17Je suis un employé et je suis dead.
00:49:20Je ne suis pas un parfait
00:49:21dinoeur.
00:49:22Je ne suis pas à ma femme.
00:49:23Je ne suis pas là pour mes enfants.
00:49:25Je ne suis pas là pour mes enfants.
00:49:27Je ne suis pas là pour mes amis.
00:49:28Je suis assez embarrassé
00:49:29d'être ici.
00:49:30Je ne suis pas là pour moi
00:49:31d'être ici.
00:49:32Mes deux petits petits petits.
00:49:34Ce ne sont pas d'armes.
00:49:36Ce sont des petits petits.
00:49:37Dinosaures qui sont bornes
00:49:38avec des bris sur les bris.
00:49:40C'est ce que T-Rex armes sont.
00:49:42Il suffit dans les Printembres.
00:49:44Il suffit pas d'aport en tertres.
00:49:46Il suffit d'autres bris.
00:49:48Il suffit d' Pentagon.
00:49:50Il souffit d'argent.
00:49:50Il souffit d'un plat.
00:49:52Il souffit d'un pied de leurarde.
00:49:52Il souff?-
00:49:54D' mano à oreiller.
00:49:55Il souffit d'un pied de tes v pastors.
00:49:57Il souffit comme un papier.
00:50:02Toute du sav ne la même VIDEO
00:50:07Alors c'est fat duく...
00:50:12I'm not mine, have a good summer, Roar.
00:50:22Like don't you think, like that's real and thank you so much Kevin, like don't you think that's going too
00:50:28far?
00:50:29I mean if it gets people in the door.
00:50:31Yeah, if it gets people in the door.
00:50:34And if school groups can hear that for free, that's meaningful.
00:50:37You're on the board of one of the major natural history museums.
00:50:39You're in a position of power.
00:50:41I do feel like I want to say I am very pro-science because I think we're all picking apart.
00:50:46There's a lot of things happening and people going like, I don't, that doesn't sound right to me.
00:50:50Yeah.
00:50:51And like, yeah, because you're a fucking idiot.
00:50:53Right.
00:50:53I will admit that a lot of my feelings tonight are just kind of off the dome, knee-jerk, you
00:50:58know, stress-induced feelings.
00:51:00But I do think that there is some point that I've made here, if I've done anything tonight,
00:51:04that dinosaurs probably don't look the way they look in museums.
00:51:08Which is something I said in the very beginning of the show.
00:51:10Yeah.
00:51:11And which we really haven't expounded upon enough.
00:51:13But by bringing it up at the end, it feels like we tracked it.
00:51:17Yeah.
00:51:18I think, I think that there's, it's, it's like a challenge in a beautiful way.
00:51:23And also have you ever been chased by a goose?
00:51:26Yes, I have been.
00:51:27They're really scary.
00:51:28Yeah.
00:51:29So, so could a dinosaur be.
00:51:31Yeah.
00:51:31If it was a 50 foot goose.
00:51:33Exactly.
00:51:33Yeah.
00:51:34Yeah.
00:51:34And like how old people get small.
00:51:36Maybe dinosaurs got small too.
00:51:39Io, I think you saved Christmas.
00:51:41We are going to take a short break and look at this video.
00:51:48Are you familiar with coprolites?
00:51:50No.
00:51:51Coprolites are fossilized feces.
00:51:54A coprolite happens.
00:51:55It's a fun paleo in joke.
00:51:57Did you want that open?
00:51:59So we've got some horse relatives.
00:52:01We've got some turtles mixed in here.
00:52:03Here's a nice big chunky toe bone, right?
00:52:05This is a bone, not a rock.
00:52:07Don't drop that.
00:52:11When I got into paleontology, I worked on some modern dinosaurs, like birds.
00:52:15Modern dinosaurs are birds.
00:52:17Yeah.
00:52:17Does that bother you?
00:52:18It bothers me in that we're sold dinosaurs as kids.
00:52:22Look at these big ass lizards.
00:52:24They all died and we have no idea why.
00:52:26And now you're telling me, oh no, they're still around.
00:52:28It's birds.
00:52:31One of our famous dinosaurs.
00:52:33This skull.
00:52:34Do you mind?
00:52:35You mind a little.
00:52:36It's hefty.
00:52:37He minds a little.
00:52:37I don't want you to break it.
00:52:38I'm not going to break it.
00:52:39This is the brain of that dinosaur.
00:52:41No frontal lobe.
00:52:43Can't really make decisions or see in the future.
00:52:45Oh, well, all he's got to do is be smarter than the dumbest plant-eating dinosaur.
00:52:49Then he's going to be fine.
00:52:51Bird gate, as you call it.
00:52:54That these bad ass dinosaurs are brought down to the level of fucking cockatiel.
00:52:58It's embarrassing.
00:53:00You know, there's some people that say there's no guarantee that any of this is real.
00:53:05I don't know.
00:53:06I feel like you'd never even admit it if this was fake.
00:53:08You're just too deep in.
00:53:10Okay, well, the folks that'll come in and say, oh, this is all fake.
00:53:13Usually those are the people that were put here to test our patients.
00:53:18Thank you so much.
00:53:20What about a nuanced skeptic, like myself, who just looks at them in a museum and goes,
00:53:26you're not positive it looked like that.
00:53:28So what are we even doing here?
00:53:33I think it's the posing.
00:53:34It's the moving and menacing.
00:53:37You could have just had it sit like a chicken.
00:53:39You're totally fine to be skeptical because we're constantly revising.
00:53:43That's part of the way that science works.
00:53:44Have you ever thought on a scientific level, let's display them this way and say,
00:53:49wouldn't it be cool if it looked like this?
00:53:52We think.
00:53:54We sure hope.
00:53:55So you want, you just want a big fucking banner in front of the museum that says,
00:53:59based on a true story.
00:54:00Yeah.
00:54:03This has been a very special Christmas.
00:54:06It's been a very special Christmas.
00:54:08Thank you so much for being here.
00:54:09I hope you don't mind.
00:54:10I got you all a little gift.
00:54:12If you don't like to open it, please.
00:54:14Oh, my God.
00:54:15Okay.
00:54:15So nice of you.
00:54:16You're very welcome.
00:54:17Oh, it's a soy candle that smells like when we were in college and thought we could mask
00:54:22the smell of cigarettes and malt liquor with Febreze and Wrigley's Pyramid before entering
00:54:27our childhood home.
00:54:28I hope you enjoy it.
00:54:30Thank you so much, John.
00:54:31Wow.
00:54:32Tina.
00:54:32Oh, my gosh.
00:54:32It says it on the candle.
00:54:35Oh, my gosh.
00:54:36It's reading glasses by Bruce Valanche for Costco Opticals.
00:54:41And these are the ones I don't have.
00:54:43I knew it.
00:54:45You're perfect for writing topical jokes about city slickers.
00:54:50Conan.
00:54:51Conan.
00:54:52I didn't forget about you.
00:54:53Come with me behind the tree.
00:54:54Come on.
00:54:54Come on, little guy.
00:54:55Yeah, all right.
00:54:56Come on.
00:54:57Come with me.
00:54:58I got something back here that's going to make you very, very happy.
00:55:02Okay.
00:55:02Come on here.
00:55:03Come on.
00:55:05Will you have sex with this guy?
00:55:07He's famous.
00:55:08Oh, ho, ho, ho, ho, ho.
00:55:10Sure.
00:55:12Well, what do you think?
00:55:13It's cheating?
00:55:14You worried about your wife?
00:55:15It's not cheating.
00:55:16It's not cheating.
00:55:16It's fine.
00:55:17Here, use my car.
00:55:20Will the puppies be watching?
00:55:22I'm sorry.
00:55:23Can the puppies be watching?
00:55:25You two are a match made in heaven.
00:55:27Merry Christmas.
00:55:28Have a lot of fun.
00:55:29I didn't realize you were famous.
00:55:30I've never heard of you.
00:55:31Well, you will.
00:55:32Oh, you're going to love the sequels all the way back.
00:55:35Oh, Rita, don't you wish you could be here?
00:55:37Ladies and gentlemen, it's time for another Christmas miracle.
00:55:40They've reunited for one night only, just to play for you,
00:55:43one of my favorite bands ever.
00:55:45Ladies and gentlemen, Mets!
00:55:46Cheers!
00:55:48Cheers!
00:56:17Bye.
00:56:23Bye.
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