Everybody's S1 E 5 Live with John Mulaney Full Movie HD Streaming 2025

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Transcript

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04:02C'est relatable, c'est qu'il y a vous talking.

04:05Il y a beaucoup de gens, par exemple,

04:06« comment on choisir le sujet chaque semaine ? »

04:08Et c'est comment on choisir le sujet.

04:10« C'est juste ce que je veux. »

04:14C'est tout ce que je veux.

04:14Il y a beaucoup de choses.

04:17Cops, par exemple.

04:18Quand ils se font, ils ont de laisser leur badge et sauvage

04:20à la desk.

04:21C'est un peu humiliant.

04:24Vous savez, c'est ce que j'ai mis seconde semaine.

04:26« Oh, non, j'ai perdu ma badge. »

04:27Et puis je suis sûr que c'est papier,

04:28mais je devrais avoir une seconde badge.

04:29Donc, si ils faisaient ça, je me disais,

04:30« oui, c'est un problème, j'ai une à la maison. »

04:32Si mon sergent asked for my badge and gun,

04:34I would really quickly go,

04:35« could I keep that little portable siren

04:37you put on top of a regular car ? »

04:39C'est la plus importante part

04:41of being a police officer.

04:43C'est hard in comedy

04:44when you get laid off

04:45to collect unemployment,

04:46because to collect unemployment,

04:47you have to prove

04:48that you're trying to do comedy.

04:51Which in 2025,

04:52I don't know what that's like.

04:53Like, the state calls,

04:54and you're like,

04:55« I started a Jeff Bezos parody account on Threads.

04:58I'm hoping it pans out. »

05:00People give you so much advice

05:02when you get let go from a job.

05:04I will tell you

05:05about what happened in my own life.

05:06This was about ten years ago.

05:08I was working at Saturday Night Live

05:10for a few years.

05:11Then I...

05:12It's a big hit.

05:14It's on NBC if you've never seen it.

05:16We've got a couple fans here.

05:18I'd been working on Saturday Night Live

05:20for a couple years,

05:20and then I got the chance

05:22to have my own pilot on NBC.

05:24I was gonna try to get my own show on NBC.

05:27And I was so excited.

05:28And we shot the pilot,

05:30and we started to prep for season one,

05:32and then they passed on the whole project.

05:35And I was so sad.

05:36I was 31.

05:37I'd let everyone down.

05:38Me, my apartment.

05:40And...

05:40You know, I'm sorry, actually,

05:42I'm saying getting your pilot passed

05:43is kind of industry-speak.

05:44How could I explain

05:46what that's like to regular people?

05:48Uh...

05:48It would be like

05:49if your cow's milk was sour.

05:55So, just after the pilot fell apart,

05:58I needed a job.

06:00And it's the summertime,

06:01and I got a job writing, uh,

06:03an ad for a video game

06:05that EA Sports makes called Madden.

06:07Do you remember the Madden video game,

06:09of course?

06:09At the time, Madden

06:11was the number one

06:12broadcaster-led video game

06:14just ahead of Al Michaels'

06:16Crystal... Crystal Cave of Secrets,

06:18book four, The Stolen Pearl.

06:20There it is.

06:22We all played that.

06:23I, myself,

06:24I never played a lot of video games

06:26and didn't know much

06:27about football growing up.

06:28I was more of a feed the ducks

06:29and then try to get into

06:30a cigar bar kind of kid.

06:33So, I'm writing these

06:34Football Madden ads, right?

06:36The ad starred Paul Rudd

06:37and, uh, a guy named Ray Lewis

06:39from the Baltimore Ravens.

06:41Now, uh, if you don't know

06:43who Ray Lewis is,

06:44he was on the Baltimore Ravens

06:45and arguably the greatest linebacker

06:47in NFL history.

06:49I will admit,

06:50I did not know who Ray Lewis was

06:52when I went to write these ads.

06:54I was just happy to have the job.

06:56I get to the job,

06:57I'm still bummed about the pilot,

06:59and I wasn't even, like,

07:00I wasn't even doing a good job

07:02at writing the ads.

07:03Like, the client wasn't happy with me.

07:06I didn't know how to get

07:07the kind of comedy I liked into it.

07:09At one point, I mean,

07:10this isn't even a joke,

07:11but, like, Ray Lewis wins the video game

07:13and then he stands up

07:14and he dances like that.

07:16And a guy from the NFL

07:18ran up to me and he goes,

07:19we can't have that.

07:20That's a sexual motion.

07:21And I was like,

07:22have you had sex?

07:24It's, this is not, it's not,

07:26this is how Fozzie Bear dances

07:28at the tree light.

07:30So, I'm already bummed

07:32and I'm not doing a good job

07:33and I wandered over

07:34to the craft services table

07:36with my head hung

07:37like a melancholy little Saudi prince

07:39who didn't get pink

07:41to play at his birthday party

07:42or whatever.

07:44And I'm standing there

07:45feeling really down

07:46and suddenly Ray Lewis

07:47is right next to me.

07:49And he looks at me and he says,

07:50you look down.

07:52And I said,

07:53oh, hey, Ray Lewis.

07:54Yeah, I'm feeling a little down.

07:56I worked at NBC for years

07:58and then I tried to have

07:59my own pilot there

08:00and they rejected it

08:01and I guess I'm feeling pretty sad.

08:05And Ray Lewis said,

08:07you must win your crowd.

08:09What?

08:11He goes, you must win your crowd.

08:13When I went through

08:14what I went through,

08:15I learned I must win my crowd.

08:17Goodbye.

08:18And then he walked away.

08:20And I was standing there being like,

08:21whoa, what did Ray Lewis go through?

08:25So I walked over to his agent

08:27and I asked.

08:29I went, hey, I was just talking to Ray.

08:32He said I must win my crowd.

08:33He said he learned that

08:35when he went through

08:35what he went through.

08:37What did he go through?

08:38What did he go through?

08:38And his agent went.

08:41And then stared at the,

08:43at that time,

08:44the only man in America

08:45who didn't know

08:47what had happened to Ray Lewis.

08:48And he looks at me and he goes,

08:50well, Ray was wrongfully

08:53accused of murder.

08:56And almost suspended by the NFL.

08:59and he was fined over $250,000.

09:02The largest fine in NFL history

09:03not related to substance abuse.

09:05And I was like, okay, that's good.

09:06It's not as serious as substance abuse.

09:09The killing of a human being.

09:11But I'm standing there thinking,

09:12oh my God, he felt rejected by the NFL.

09:15I felt rejected by NBC.

09:17These stories don't have a lot in common.

09:20But I want more life advice.

09:21So when we have our next break,

09:23I wander over and I go,

09:24hey, Ray Lewis.

09:26Remember before you were telling me

09:27to win your crowd?

09:29Yeah.

09:29Tell me more about that.

09:31Ray Lewis talks to me.

09:33He goes,

09:34I was facing suspension.

09:36I went out walking one night.

09:39I saw a movie marquee.

09:40It said gladiator.

09:43I wandered into the theater.

09:45The movie told the story of Maximus,

09:47a general in the Roman army,

09:49who was betrayed.

09:50And then he told me the entire plot

09:53of the movie gladiator

09:55from start to finish.

09:57Ray Lewis, by the way,

09:58is nine feet tall

09:59and made of kettlebells and cinder blocks.

10:01And he was three inches from my face

10:03telling me the plot to a three-hour movie

10:06that I have seen several times.

10:10But then he builds to this big finish.

10:12He goes,

10:12Maximus could not defeat the emperor.

10:15But if he won his crowd,

10:17he would become the most powerful man in Rome.

10:20So when I got back the next season,

10:22I played harder than I'd ever played before.

10:24And I took us to the Super Bowl.

10:25And we won the Super Bowl.

10:27But Disney did not allow me to say,

10:29I'm going to Disneyland.

10:31And I was like,

10:32yeah, that makes some sense.

10:34See, this is how you're accused of murder.

10:37Ray Lewis looks at me.

10:38He goes,

10:38do not give up.

10:40Win your crowd.

10:41And I said, wow.

10:43And then I yawned.

10:48And Ray Lewis goes,

10:49why are you yawning?

10:51And then he said,

10:53did you have a proper breakfast with proper nutrition?

10:57And I said,

10:58I had a bagel.

10:59And Ray Lewis goes,

11:01that's not fuel.

11:03And I go, well, what do you eat?

11:04And he goes, I don't eat.

11:05I juice.

11:07And I go, well, what do you juice?

11:08And he looks at me and he goes,

11:10beets.

11:11I go, you just drink beets?

11:13He goes, yes.

11:14He goes, you're like those young guys in the NFL.

11:16I'm like, no, I'm not.

11:17He's like, they show up on game day.

11:19They've got pancakes and syrup and bacon.

11:21I walk in the locker room.

11:22I knock all that shit on the floor.

11:24And I set up my juicer from home and my beets.

11:27And I say, gentlemen, this is breakfast.

11:30Okay.

11:30Let's take a step back for one second.

11:33Imagine you're about to eat pancakes.

11:34You know the excitement you feel when there's pancakes out

11:38and you're going to get to have them?

11:39Imagine a 10 foot tall accused murderer walks in

11:43and knocks all of the pancakes on the floor

11:45and sets up some weird Vitamix from home

11:48and filthy beets and tells you that's all you're going to eat.

11:52I look at him.

11:53I go, you just drink beets?

11:54He goes, yes.

11:55I go, do you get sick?

11:56He goes, I never get sick.

11:58I go, do you take medicine?

11:59He says, I have never taken a medicine.

12:02I go, holy shit.

12:03I'm going to live my life like Ray Lewis of the Baltimore Ravens.

12:08We were filming in this little suburban house.

12:10I go out to the backyard.

12:11I call my agents.

12:12I go, I must win my crowd.

12:13I give them no contest.

12:16I go, we're not done with this show.

12:18We will fight.

12:18We will win our crowd.

12:20Let's keep trying to sell that pilot.

12:22I hang up the phone.

12:23I go to dinner that night with my friend and I say,

12:25I'm not eating any of this shit.

12:27And he goes, what are you going to do?

12:28I said, I'm going to juice.

12:30And he said, juice what?

12:31And I was so happy he asked

12:33because I got to say beets.

12:35So then I went on this thing called the cooler cleanse.

12:38Six days.

12:39You get six juices a day and that's all you can have.

12:41No food.

12:42You just juice.

12:43And on the third day of the six day juice cleanse,

12:46I'm in my apartment.

12:47I'm sitting on the floor.

12:48I'm listening to all things must pass by George Harrison.

12:52It's just a detail.

12:53I'm sitting there and I am filled with lemon juice and beet juice and cayenne pepper.

13:00And I'm thinking about Ray Lewis and how I'm going to be like Ray Lewis.

13:04And then I shit my pants.

13:07That's on a Thursday.

13:09That Sunday night, I get a call from my agents and they go, hey, we did what you said.

13:14We kept fighting and we sold the pilot somewhere else.

13:17It's going to be on Fox.

13:19And it was on Fox.

13:21And it was a total fucking unmitigated disaster.

13:26So if you ever meet Ray Lewis,

13:29don't listen to him.

13:31Because you'll get a bad sitcom and you'll shit your pants.

13:35Let's get this show started, ladies and gentlemen.

13:37I do want to note, real quick, I think you all saw the disclaimer, but I should let everyone

13:47know Richard Kind is dealing with a serious medical issue.

13:51Okay.

13:51It's not funny guys.

13:53He was helping his cousin Spooky organize his record collection.

13:57He got hit on the head with a Kiss album.

13:59And now he thinks he's Gene Simmons.

14:01Okay.

14:02I got dunked with a copy of Love Gun.

14:06Now I got a world-class python down here.

14:11Belongs in the Bronx Zoo.

14:13Okay.

14:14So normally I'd apologize for such a crack comment.

14:17Gentlemen.

14:17I crave ideas.

14:19And when an idea hits me, it grips me.

14:23And it tortures me until I master it.

14:30Listen, Gene.

14:33I know you think you're Gene Simmons' man, but Richard, if you're in there somewhere,

14:37please, just give me a sign.

14:40I didn't expect you to greet me with open arms.

14:44But I did expect open legs.

14:55I guess he's just going to be Gene Simmons the entire time.

14:59That is too bad.

15:00I do want to get to some housekeeping before we start the show.

15:03I've been trying to make sure that we announce some exciting stuff happening in Hollywood.

15:09Chris Ludacris Bridges, Kristen Chenoweth, Rebel Wilson, and Ice Cube have all signed with the UTA Talent Agency.

15:17That is, these announcements have been going out and they're always a lot of fun.

15:21They're now with the United Talent Agency and we hope they have a great time.

15:25We hope that works out wonderful.

15:26Now, as I mentioned, tonight's topic is getting fired.

15:30We'll be taking your calls as per usual all throughout the broadcast.

15:33The number is on your screen right now.

15:36Call that number and call us here at Everybody's Live to share your thoughts on getting fired, your stories about

15:41getting fired or firing others.

15:43Sir, if I may say, whoever said money can't buy you love or joy was obviously not making enough money.

15:55All right.

15:57That's what you get when someone thinks they're Gene Simmons.

16:00My first guests are two of my very dear friends.

16:04She's a fantastic comedian and he probably has some new type of eye infection.

16:09Please welcome Chelsea Peretti and Bill Hader.

16:26Have a seat.

16:32Hello.

16:33Hello.

16:34Hello.

16:34How you doing?

16:35Good, man.

16:36How are you, Chels?

16:37Great.

16:37Nice to see you.

16:38Oh, I forgot, sorry, I forgot one.

16:39Emmy Rossum signed with WME.

16:41So that's also out there.

16:43That's pretty cool.

16:45It's nice to have, it's nice to be represented.

16:49Yeah, sweet.

16:50Bill, you had many jobs before turning to comedy and also making TV.

16:57Yeah.

16:58This is what it's going to be like the entire time.

17:01I have a whole new vibe.

17:03It's very distant.

17:04It's very Mike Wallace.

17:05It's married to questions.

17:06It's married to questions.

17:06It's very Mike Wallace.

17:07Yes.

17:08Did you ever get fired?

17:10Yeah, I got fired.

17:11I've been fired a couple of times, yeah.

17:13What kinds of jobs?

17:14I got fired from a movie theater for ruining the end of Titanic.

17:20What do you mean?

17:21What were you doing?

17:21I was working at a movie theater and this Titanic hadn't come out yet and a sorority had bought

17:29out the movie theater to watch Titanic and they were in the, they were kind of just, they

17:35were in the doorway and I was going, hey guys, can you guys move?

17:37I was tearing tickets.

17:38And they were making fun of me.

17:39They said I looked like Charles Manson, which I kind of did.

17:42I got a little bow tie on and a cummerbund.

17:44I was like, hey guys, please move.

17:46And they were like, no.

17:47And then when, so when I went in, I, as I tore the tickets, I was like, enjoy the movie.

17:51The boat sinks at the end, Leo dies and blah, blah.

17:54And they were like, no, he doesn't.

17:56And I go, yeah, you think he's asleep, but he's frozen.

18:00Wow.

18:01Yeah.

18:02Yeah.

18:02And that showed them.

18:03And then, uh...

18:04Were you fired on the spot?

18:06Yeah.

18:06The guy came down with smiling and he was like, hey, you want to, hey Bill?

18:11I have to fire you.

18:14Like that.

18:15He ran a movie theater in Tempe, Arizona.

18:17And he was super into firing you.

18:18He was fired.

18:19He loved it.

18:20Couldn't look me in the eye though.

18:21Well, it seemed like his eyes were closed.

18:23Yeah.

18:23He was stoned.

18:24Where did you live in Tempe?

18:26I lived in Tempe.

18:27I remember, you know this.

18:28I went out of state to go to community college.

18:30Oh yeah, right.

18:34Phil is born, you were born in Tulsa, Oklahoma.

18:36And then I went to community college in Scottsdale, Arizona.

18:40Were you just, your parents took you on a national tour of community college?

18:44Yeah, yeah.

18:44I went to all the community colleges all over the world and that was the one, you know,

18:48they were like, we'll take you, you know.

18:50That's really great.

18:51Did you finish college?

18:53Nah, kinda.

18:54Yeah, yeah.

18:55You know, I did.

18:56I had an associate's degree and I remember my first job here, I was a runner and I came

19:00and I was like, I came in and I was like, they wanted me to just deliver, you know, stuff.

19:05And I go, and I brought my degree.

19:08You brought your diploma?

19:10I brought my diploma.

19:10I was like, I have an associate's, I literally held it up.

19:12I go, I have an associate's degree from Scottsdale Community College.

19:15And they were like, do you have a car?

19:17And I go, yes.

19:18And they go, okay, yeah, you go do this.

19:20Chelsea, have you had a lot, did you have a lot of random jobs before doing comedy?

19:23That's like what you do with a fake ID.

19:25When you're holding it, you're like, here's my ID, do you want to see it?

19:28Yeah.

19:30Did I what?

19:31Did you have a lot of jobs before comedy?

19:36I worked at Burly Bear.

19:38What's that?

19:39A Lorne Michaels enterprise.

19:42What was that?

19:42Of some sort?

19:43I don't know.

19:44It was like a company or some shit?

19:46I was a receptionist there, yeah.

19:47Were you good at that?

19:48Yeah, it was a company or some shit.

19:51Is that what you said?

19:53When people walked in, you were like, this is a company or some sort of shit.

19:57Here's some water.

19:58Yeah.

20:00Um, so I worked there.

20:01I did spray perfume samples at like Macy's for a bit.

20:04What a classic early job.

20:06Yeah.

20:07That's like in a movie of someone that does show business.

20:09That's what their job would be.

20:10They're like, can you squirt?

20:12And you're like.

20:16Wonderful stuff.

20:18Wonderful.

20:19That's like slow clap.

20:21You know what?

20:22Like people like in entertainment, like you're always so afraid of like losing your job or where you stand.

20:27And like, it's interesting, like, he gets a lot of shit.

20:30But in terms of really clever ways to stay on the show you're on, I think Jussie Smollett, like.

20:39Like that's like kind of brilliant.

20:41Like, I mean, from one perspective.

20:44Cause like, and this is all a legend, right?

20:47Who knows what happened, right?

20:48It's a legend.

20:49Yeah.

20:49But it's a super funny move to pull if you're like, I'm not sure I'm going to get the contract

20:54I want.

20:55I know what to do.

20:57I know exactly what to do.

20:59I'm going to wait till 3 a.m.

21:00I'm going to wait till 3 a.m.

21:01I'm in Chicago.

21:02And then, yeah.

21:05And then I'm going to, and I'm going to pretend that I'm assaulted in a hate crime.

21:11Allegedly.

21:12Allegedly.

21:13And I need two MAGA guys to do it.

21:17I'll hire two Nigerians.

21:19Allegedly.

21:19Who wrote a book, right?

21:20Yeah, they wrote a book.

21:21Ola and Bola, the guys that allegedly worked with Jussie Smollett.

21:26Allegedly, truly.

21:27No one knows what happened that night.

21:30But these guys, Ola and Bola, wrote a book.

21:32It's not like a regular book.

21:34No, yeah.

21:34Like it doesn't have like a barcode or anything.

21:36I don't know if it even has pages.

21:37Yeah.

21:38It's like the cover feels weird.

21:40I did get it on Amazon, so I guess it's technically a book.

21:44Let's take a call.

21:48Lila, line one.

21:49Hey, Lila, you're in Davie, Florida.

21:51Welcome to Everybody's Live.

21:54Hi.

21:55How you doing?

21:55Hi.

21:56How you doing?

21:56Calling in because I am a school principal and I once had to fire our pre-kindergarten teacher because she

22:08was smoking cigarettes in the classroom while the children were sleeping.

22:15Oh, my God.

22:17How did...

22:17She was smoking a cigarette and all the kids and this was not in 1941?

22:21Yeah.

22:23No, this was about 10 years ago.

22:25Oh, dude.

22:26How did you catch her, Lila?

22:28Well, we thought it was the middle schoolers smoking cigarettes in like an adjacent bathroom.

22:33And I finally realized I walked into the classroom.

22:35And what did she say?

22:36And she didn't say much.

22:40Did she defend herself at all?

22:42Apparently she had a bit of a drinking problem and she was one of those like drunk smokers.

22:45Oh.

22:47She was drunk.

22:47Yeah.

22:48She was like...

22:49Yeah, yeah.

22:49She was like, really, boss, I'm a social smoker.

22:52I just happened to be drunk in school.

22:55That's super cool.

22:56Lila, what kind of car do you drive?

22:59Uh, Lexus.

23:00Oh.

23:01Whoa.

23:02School principal with a Lexus.

23:03Not bad.

23:05Thanks, Lila.

23:06Whoa, rolling in the dough.

23:07That was great.

23:08Why, when people get fired, do they walk out with a brown cardboard box?

23:12Hey, Samo, how you doing?

23:14Do they walk out with a brown cardboard box with a plant and a desk lamp?

23:17Yeah, still to this day.

23:18To this day.

23:19I don't think you're allowed to take the desk lamp.

23:22Do you guys want anything?

23:24I'm all right.

23:24What's in there?

23:25There's Starbursts, Gummy Bears, Oreo Minis, Ginger Ale.

23:29I'll take a...

23:30Water.

23:30You guys want that stuff?

23:31I'll take a pink Starburst.

23:33Oh, exactly what we have.

23:35Pink Starburst.

23:36Oh, my God!

23:37Pretty cool.

23:38We must have read your Wikipedia.

23:40Thank you.

23:40And this is handy.

23:41This covers your stomach.

23:42Are these, like, specifically gunt bowls?

23:44So, like, this week, they were like, we're having some trouble with the grapes.

23:49There you go.

23:50I like it because they're not soft.

23:52There you go.

23:53Yeah.

23:54And it doesn't seem fun to be hit with them, but...

23:57It's fun when you're throwing something and audiences are backing away and not coming from it.

24:00Well, the audience goes like this, and they throw it, and they go, oh, my God, he's gonna throw.

24:04And it's like...

24:05We're gonna be right back on Everybody's Live with Chelsea Peretti and Bill Hader.

24:09Well, as you know, we're about to take a short break, but as you know, we have a goal on

24:12this show of trying to assemble 24 men, one at every inch from 5'0 to 7'0 and have

24:18them stand in a perfect diagonal line.

24:20It has not been easy. Lots of men are afraid to join the challenge because, sadly, they don't know how

24:25tall they are.

24:26Let's take a look at this message.

24:28It might not be possible to get measured and have a height screening where you live.

24:32It might not even be legal.

24:34That's why Everybody's Live, in partnership with Know Your Age, will send you a sleep shirt that you can wear

24:39during a telehealth appointment to give the doctor a sense of scale.

24:43Although it is not the most accurate way to get measured, it is better than nothing.

24:47Oh.

24:49Get measured. Get informed. Get the info you need. Know your height. Know your age.

24:59Give me a movie this looks like. Heat. Heat? Got it. Movie I hate. Really?

25:12Welcome back. Welcome back to Everybody's Live. I'm here with Chelsea Peretti and Bill Hader.

25:18As you know, we normally reserve our courtside seats for big celebrities who suffer from very funny mental illnesses.

25:23And we have someone here tonight. However, I'm sorry, I'm ashamed to admit I don't actually know who you are,

25:29sir.

25:30My name is Chesterton Romero Cheeto.

25:36But you may know me best as the cat who inspired Chester Cheetah.

25:43Chester Cheetah, you mean the cartoon Cheetos mascot who respectfully seems vaguely addicted to drugs?

25:49The very one and the same.

25:55I was born in a small whistle stop outside of Soda City. The town was nothing but vipers and hoochie

26:05-coochies.

26:07We ain't have no scratch, Jack. My father would frisk the whiskers for any drape who put a dime on

26:16the tab.

26:16You got your boots on, alligator!

26:20I followed every word.

26:22But if you don't mind pulling back on the jive by just like 60%, as surprising as it may be,

26:28a lot of the audience hasn't tried heroin.

26:31They not hip?

26:33They not hip.

26:35Fair enough.

26:36I suppose I best break it down for the children with a little song.

26:42Oh, you have a song prepared.

26:44Beat it out slow, collar the bass line, and let that belly hit the heart.

26:52Okay.

26:58Oh, yeah.

27:03Let a little cheese dust throw it in the air.

27:09Let it rain down neon acid everywhere.

27:16Living in a fever dream.

27:19Watching chubby children scream.

27:22That's how you cartoon a cat.

27:31Bang a pair of bongos on a motorbike.

27:38Ride a skateboard naked.

27:40Hey, kid, live the life you like.

27:44Snort an orange Coke is fun.

27:47Get high and grab a policeman's gun.

27:51That's how you cartoon a cat.

27:59Steal a snack truck full of hot chips.

28:03Hold a snack truck, drive a hostage.

28:06Say you'll blow his fucking brains out.

28:09Unless your demands are met.

28:12Keep sunglasses on so no one sees your eyes start to bleed.

28:18Let your devil run free, baby.

28:21And that's how you cartoon a cat.

28:28Applause

28:42Yay!

28:44Wow!

28:46Ils ont un tout de suite.

28:48Chester Tanchetel, tout le monde.

28:50Maintenant, je veux...

28:52...

28:55...

28:56...

28:57...

28:58...

28:59...

29:02...

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40:27Bubbles likes what he likes.

40:30Ok, I'm glad we're clearing that up.

40:33Many people get taken advantage of in our business.

40:36Do you feel that you were taken more advantage of

40:40than most minor celebrities?

40:43Because you are also a chimpanzee.

40:48Let me ask you this, has anyone flown you to Fiji?

40:54No, no one's ever flown me to Fiji.

40:58There it is.

40:59And I wouldn't, alright.

41:02He needs a drink of water, does he need a drink of water?

41:05Talk to me.

41:05Ok.

41:07I appreciate you not ending the interview and just drinking water.

41:19We paid you $3,800.

41:22Thank you.

41:25Ok, that wasn't great, but...

41:32As an interview, that was a little rough, but I'm told that Bubbles is here?

41:40Let me plug my podcast.

41:43It's called Raise Bright.

41:45It's about moving with integrity.

41:47Also, not eating pussy.

41:52Alright.

41:55Alright.

41:55Wow.

41:56Alright.

41:58Wow.

42:06Well, thank you for plugging your podcast.

42:11Raised Right, about young men having integrity and not eating pussy.

42:19There's no pivot to the next part of the show.

42:22Gentlemen, gentlemen.

42:23Gentlemen.

42:23Gene.

42:24If I may.

42:26I don't need to make sense.

42:28I prefer to make dollars.

42:31I'm Gene Simmons from Kiss.

42:35Yeah.

42:38What's crazy is he doesn't just think he's Gene, but like the things he says sound just like what Gene

42:43would say.

42:43Like saying his name and stuff.

42:45My next guest is a human resource executive who has fired over 200 people, but she's cool.

42:52So give her a big welcome.

42:54Ladies and gentlemen, Katie Maillard is here.

43:00Hi Katie.

43:01Hi Katie.

43:02Hi Katie.

43:02This is Chelsea, Phil, Johnny Knoxville.

43:09Katie, I did preface them that you've fired 200 people, but that you're a very cool, nice person.

43:13Do you feel that firing people sometimes gives you a stigma?

43:17Of not being cool?

43:18Well, around the office where you work.

43:20Like when people see you, what do they think?

43:23Um, they, I assume they think I'm like cool and powerful and like beautiful, all of those things.

43:31But when they have a meeting with you and they see that on their schedule, do they know they're going

43:35to be fired?

43:36Oh, so they don't always know I'm going to be there.

43:38So sometimes they have a meeting set up with their manager and I'm just in the room.

43:42And do you freelance for different companies firing people or do you work at one company at a time?

43:47I currently work at one company.

43:49I don't just fire people.

43:50Okay.

43:51Yes.

43:52I do like everything in HR and maybe like 5% of my time is firing.

43:57Oh, I see.

43:58Okay.

43:58But of all the people here, you've probably fired the most people in the most professional manner.

44:02Probably, yes.

44:03Would you do me a favor?

44:04Could we just, I think that, you know, the best way would be just to demonstrate this.

44:08Would you, could we like, could we, could we fire Jean?

44:13Absolutely.

44:14Could you, would you do it yourself?

44:16How does it work?

44:17So usually I make the manager do it with me.

44:20I'm not just going to do all the dirty work.

44:21Will you be his manager?

44:23100%.

44:23Okay, great.

44:24Okay, great.

44:25Jean, come here.

44:28Jean, come here.

44:31Thank you.

44:31It is.

44:32It is.

44:32That is.

44:36Okay.

44:40We have to do it together?

44:41We have to do it together.

44:42Yeah.

44:42No, I thought you, I thought you were going to.

44:43Okay.

44:45Um, okay.

44:46I, I do go to the talking.

44:47Yeah.

44:47Do you tell me when to talk?

44:48I'll cue you in.

44:48Okay, tell me when to talk.

44:52Jean, thank you for coming to this meeting.

44:57Um, as you know, your manager John and I have been talking to you about your performance

45:02and unfortunately you're still not meeting expectations in your role.

45:06Um, we will be terminating your employment and today is your last day.

45:10I'm going to pass it over to John to give a little more context.

45:13Oh my God.

45:14On, on how we got here.

45:16Test that.

45:17Test that.

45:19So, please tell him why we're doing this.

45:22First off, um, it's not because you have an illness, right?

45:27That's good to say.

45:28Wait, don't say, yeah, it's definitely not.

45:30Should I say I don't even know he has it?

45:31Yes.

45:32Let me just preface all of this.

45:34No.

45:35No what?

45:36I do not accept this.

45:38You're hiring?

45:39Yeah, it's not a negotiation.

45:41You're no longer getting paid.

45:43Oh, that's interesting.

45:43Do you say that?

45:44You go, this is not a negotiation.

45:45Well, I say like, I'm sorry, the decision's already been made.

45:48Okay.

45:48So let me try again.

45:49I am very sorry that we're doing this.

45:53Uh, I'm maybe, what?

45:56Well, like, it's hard.

45:59We, we have to be careful about apologizing when we're, when we're terminating.

46:02When you're firing people?

46:03Yes.

46:04You don't even say sorry?

46:05Well, so like, so there's, you have to, you have to be careful with what you say for a couple

46:11of reasons.

46:11You don't want to get sued, but also like, this is going to be stuck in his mind for a

46:16while.

46:16So we're very careful with our words.

46:18I don't think, I think, I don't.

46:20He's going to forget about this immediately.

46:22Yeah.

46:23Gone.

46:24Okay.

46:25And, but sorry actually puts me in like liability territory.

46:28Like there's some legal risk if we apologize, if we're admitting fault for the whole process.

46:34I'm sorry this is happening.

46:36I'm sorry that we're having this conversation.

46:38I'm sorry we're having this conversation that you've been bad.

46:41Yeah.

46:42And that you've been bad at your job and that you've been like Gene Simmons and that you've said inappropriate

46:48things as Gene.

46:49Right?

46:49Yeah.

46:50Get that on record.

46:50For sure.

46:51Yeah.

46:51Okay.

46:51And you are, you are, you have to get out of here right now.

46:54Please.

46:55Please.

46:57When do you hand him the cardboard box?

46:59So, okay.

47:01So I would walk him back to his desk.

47:03Yeah.

47:03And I would have a cardboard box.

47:05Would you walk him back to his podium?

47:06Does he need assistance?

47:08Or?

47:08No.

47:09Do you think, do you think he doesn't need assistance?

47:12Let me just tell you something.

47:14The whole meek shall inherit the earth.

47:16Oh my god.

47:17Oh god.

47:17That's naivete.

47:18Oh my god.

47:19The straw.

47:20They'll inherit the earth.

47:21The meek gets shit.

47:23These are brainy quotes of Gene Simmons.

47:26I, oh, okay.

47:27Yeah.

47:27Alright.

47:28Well thank you.

47:28I got hit on the head.

47:29You're done.

47:30What am I gonna do?

47:31Katie, Katie, thank you for that demonstration.

47:33I appreciate it.

47:34That was good.

47:35Thank you.

47:36That was very good.

47:36Thank you.

47:37I've done it before.

47:39Wait, so you can't say sorry.

47:41So try not to say sorry.

47:42Try not to admit fault.

47:44And also just like, be careful.

47:46Cause they're people.

47:47And you don't want them to get hurt.

47:49What?

47:49But that kind of like.

47:51Contradicts.

47:52Yeah, contradicts them.

47:53And that's the hard part is like, so it sucks.

47:56The whole conversation sucks.

47:57It sucks.

47:57That's good to say.

47:58It does.

47:58What's the worst it ever went?

48:00The worst it ever went?

48:01Yeah.

48:01What's the most uncomfortable situation?

48:03Someone cry.

48:03Well, for me, one time I had to let someone go virtually and they had their kid on their lap.

48:09Oh God.

48:10I know.

48:10Nevermind.

48:11And like, it was a layoff.

48:12They knew it was coming.

48:13I know.

48:14You're like the Grim Reaper.

48:15They were like, no, I felt so bad.

48:17You're the Grim Reaper.

48:17I was like, is there anyone else in the house that came off your child?

48:20Wait, do you think they were holding their kid because they knew they were going to go?

48:23Maybe.

48:24Of course.

48:25Of course.

48:26It was a shield.

48:27It didn't work.

48:28You tell the kid, like, you're a mommy.

48:30It was a baby.

48:31So luckily, like, they won't.

48:32Did the baby ever look right in the lens?

48:34That baby looked right in my soul.

48:38Katie.

48:39Katie.

48:39Yeah.

48:39Hey, do you ever, does that thing still happen where dudes like lose their jobs so then they

48:43pretend they still have it and they get dressed up and shit and they tell their wife they're

48:47going to work and then they sit in like a church or a diner or something?

48:50Yeah.

48:51Then they call me.

48:52And they call you.

48:53And I have to be like, he hasn't worked here in a month.

48:55Oh.

48:56Oh, wow.

48:59That's so crazy.

49:00I'm a girl's girl.

49:01I am telling the wife.

49:02They call and go, does my husband still work here?

49:05Well, they're like, hey, you know, has my husband showed up for work or like, can I talk

49:09to my husband?

49:10And I'm like, that man has been gone.

49:11Ooh.

49:13That sucks.

49:14Name names.

49:14I name no names.

49:15Name names.

49:16I have a job.

49:17I am trying not to get fired.

49:18Oh, have you ever been fired?

49:19Of course I've been fired.

49:21That's right.

49:21She learned everything.

49:23Did you like the way you were fired?

49:25Um, so because I'm usually the most senior HR person, I kind of negotiate my own firing.

49:33What?

49:34Wow.

49:34That's, but I mean, properly fired.

49:37Have you ever been properly fired?

49:38I, yeah, I've been called and told not to come in.

49:40Yeah.

49:41I have had that.

49:42Okay.

49:42Yeah.

49:42Hey, I was wondering, I know that you can't fire like you, if he, if Gene, like I can't

49:47fire him for his illness.

49:48Right.

49:48And I can't fire certain people for certain reasons in this country.

49:51Protected status.

49:52Protecting classes and things.

49:52Not for long.

49:54Yeah.

49:54I know.

49:54That's the thing.

49:55I won't get into it.

49:56I won't get into it.

49:57No, no, no.

49:58You have a big, you have a freestyle poem you wanted to read about everything happening in

50:02the country, right?

50:03Mostly.

50:04Yeah.

50:04About logging and stuff.

50:06Yeah.

50:07Yeah.

50:07No, go ahead.

50:08Sorry.

50:08Can, is like, can you say to someone I'm firing you cause you're like, you are whack as fuck.

50:13You're not fun to be around.

50:15Yeah.

50:16It's, uh, most of the States in the U.S. are at will.

50:18So you can be fired for any reason or no reason at all.

50:21Um, so you could just decide you don't like someone.

50:24And you can say in it, it's like you're doing an okay job, but you are a bummer to be

50:27around.

50:28You can if you want to.

50:30Wow.

50:31And that's fine.

50:32I mean, it's not cool, but like, it's not illegal.

50:35It's not cool to fire people with the baby.

50:37Yeah.

50:37I know.

50:38Yeah.

50:39The whole thing's not cool.

50:40Wait, it's illegal to say, I'm sorry, but it's not illegal to say you're ugly or you're

50:45a bummer.

50:47It's, well, this is America.

50:48No one likes you.

50:49Um, yeah.

50:49We all, you stink, but you can't say I'm sorry.

50:52Well, it's not illegal to say, I'm sorry.

50:55Oh, you know, you could say, you could say you're wack as fuck and I'm sorry.

50:58I have to talk to you.

51:00Yeah.

51:00That's great.

51:01Yeah.

51:01Hey, ladies and gentlemen, really want a quick hit that next week on Everybody's Live,

51:06April 16th, we have quite a show for you.

51:09We will have, uh, some friends of mine named Leigh Ann Morgan, Hannibal Burris, Nikki Glaser,

51:15music from Randy goddamn Newman, and David Letterman.

51:19That's all next week, April 16th.

51:25Also, as I mentioned, we're all about men of all heights on this show.

51:29And this week I visited a local tailor who specializes in men five, eight, and under.

51:34Please take a look at this.

51:37Suits, sport coat, dress pants, jeans, yeah, T-shirt, dress shirt.

51:43It must make people five, eight, and under feel very comfortable, very welcome.

51:48We offer them a full selection for short men only.

51:52Wow.

51:52You really thought about everyone.

51:54Well, yeah, yeah, come on up.

51:59How tall are you, Jimmy?

52:00I'm 5'2".

52:01I mean, no, 5'1".

52:03I cheat.

52:05How do you pronounce your last name?

52:07Au.

52:08Au.

52:09Au.

52:10How many grandkids do you have?

52:11Nineteen.

52:12You have 19 grandchildren?

52:14Right here.

52:15They look more like you than like me.

52:17They all have Irish, you know.

52:19Well, my kids look more like you than like me, so that works well.

52:22Nineteen grandchildren.

52:24That's really too many.

52:25That's my blessing.

52:27So lots of shorter celebrities have come in over the years.

52:32Would you be able to measure me while I'm here?

52:34Yeah.

52:35Mm-hmm.

52:35Okay, put down your arm.

52:37By the way, your pants fit you perfect.

52:40The best part of this is the butt.

52:43Okay.

52:44Look how nice the butt fit.

52:45Mm-hmm.

52:46Nice and clean.

52:47People look at you, they look at your butt.

52:50If your butt look good, your whole person look good.

52:53It's the first thing you see when you see someone.

52:55In the future, if you need something, I can get it.

52:58Oh, nice.

52:58Okay.

52:59Yeah.

52:59I will take you up on that.

53:00It's about $100.

53:01I mean, no, $1,000.

53:03I'll take it for $100.

53:04That was your first offer.

53:07What's above you?

53:09Um, that's a restaurant.

53:11Bonilla Hill Restaurant.

53:13They're pretty noisy.

53:13That's why it's noisy.

53:14They're pretty noisy.

53:16They're just starting.

53:20Okay.

53:22Beautiful.

53:24You have to push me.

53:26I'm pushing you.

53:27You're pushing me.

53:28Just touch, touch, just touch me.

53:30Okay.

53:30One.

53:31Two.

53:32Three.

53:33One.

53:34Two.

53:34Three.

53:35No, no, no.

53:36You push back.

53:36But I want to be near you.

53:40There you go.

53:40There we go.

53:41Now you're dancing.

53:44Oh, that's nice.

53:45Yeah.

53:46You have to go.

53:48You're the man.

53:49You're not used to doing the lady.

53:51I'm not.

53:51If I did a split kick in a skirt with a slit up the side, I think you'd all faint.

54:00He has a tour.

54:01He has a tour kicking off April 23rd all around the country, performing my favorite song from his new album,

54:07Horror.

54:08Ladies and gentlemen, Bartiz Strange.

54:11When the song goes down, stop đ nationalist Brick intense Chronic slayВ bis Cell

54:20Cool Meinny.

54:25At the end when I saw you, you were floating across me.

54:33You happy, you had a hold and look like you tore it.

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