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00:09:46As vous may or may not know, Everybody's Live is the best music show in entertainment,
00:09:50and tonight we bring you our friend Fred Armisen on drums with the band Slater Kinney in our studio.
00:10:03Also, the moment you've all been waiting for.
00:10:05I will face off against three 14-year-olds.
00:10:12Yeah!
00:10:16Thank you.
00:10:18It's fight night. It's fight night.
00:10:20I will fight three 14-year-olds in a fight to the death, reputationally speaking.
00:10:25We've been hyping this fight all month, and the response to all of this hype has been overwhelming.
00:10:31Later tonight, you'll stick around, and you will watch with millions of viewers around the world as...
00:10:44And the rest will settle in the ring.
00:10:55I'm being told that we may be experiencing some Netflix buffering issues because so many goddamn people are watching.
00:11:11The dog, by the way, the Russian one, I feel bad. It didn't live.
00:11:17But...
00:11:20Hey, Richard!
00:11:23What were you like as a teen?
00:11:26Johnny?
00:11:31I was the baddest motherfuckers on both sides of the track.
00:11:41I didn't take shit from a sailor, and I don't flinch at the chance of swinging my fists at any
00:11:49dipshit that looked at me sideways.
00:11:53They called me the ball-breaker, and I earned every fucking letter of that moniker.
00:12:04Also, I had allergies.
00:12:08Thank you, Rich.
00:12:15As I mentioned, tonight's topic is teenagers and what their whole deal is.
00:12:20I'm very excited to be joined on the couch by local, California-based teen, Zephyrine Lucan. Is that right?
00:12:28Lucan.
00:12:28Excuse me. Zephyrine, everybody.
00:12:35Zephyrine, how old are you?
00:12:36I'm 16.
00:12:37You're 16. Okay.
00:12:38Thank you for being here.
00:12:39You'll be a resource, sort of a fact-checker.
00:12:42We'd really love to hear your insight into the issues that our teens calling in will have or the teenage
00:12:49lives of our guests.
00:12:50I really appreciate it.
00:12:51Zephyrine is also the babysitter to one of our writers, and I understand you're an excellent babysitter,
00:12:58and we're very happy that you're here.
00:13:00Thank you.
00:13:01Thank you.
00:13:05And I say that as someone who had subpar caregivers as a child, so we really...
00:13:10Oh, yeah, I'll tell you all about it.
00:13:12Explains a lot.
00:13:13It does.
00:13:16She'll be here to offer her perspective and will be taking your calls all night, teenagers.
00:13:21See the number on your screen?
00:13:23Okay.
00:13:23Please call in with any stories about being a teenager, whether you currently are one,
00:13:27or at 1.1, or somehow skipped that entire period of age entirely.
00:13:32My first guest tonight, I am so honored to have this guy here.
00:13:37He's the nicest, he's the funniest, he's a legend, but he's just like a big brother to all of us.
00:13:43Please welcome my friend, Adam Sandler!
00:13:45Yeah!
00:13:48Yeah!
00:13:49Yeah!
00:13:49Good to see you.
00:13:51Good to see you.
00:13:53Good to see you.
00:13:53Good to see you.
00:13:53Good to see you.
00:13:54Good to see you, man, dude.
00:13:54Love you, man.
00:13:55Thank you, buddy.
00:13:56Hi, guys.
00:13:57I love you.
00:13:59Nice to see you.
00:13:59Hi, everybody.
00:14:00What's up, buddy?
00:14:01You've been great.
00:14:02You've been great tonight.
00:14:03Thank you.
00:14:04Thank you.
00:14:05You're so funny, man.
00:14:07I enjoy...
00:14:08Yeah.
00:14:09Oh, boy.
00:14:10Okay.
00:14:11I'm sorry about that.
00:14:13What did he say?
00:14:13I don't even know.
00:14:14All right.
00:14:14Couldn't have been good.
00:14:17Thank you for being here, man.
00:14:18I'm honored.
00:14:19The fight's gonna be incredible.
00:14:20Thank you.
00:14:21I appreciate it.
00:14:21This is so cool, man.
00:14:23Do you have any advice?
00:14:23Did you scrap as a kid?
00:14:25It's funny you said that.
00:14:26I was back there thinking.
00:14:27And when I...
00:14:28The worst part of fighting is knowing you gotta fight.
00:14:31Yeah.
00:14:31Like, when you're sitting before, when someone in school says,
00:14:35I'm gonna...
00:14:35You know, you can curse, right?
00:14:37Yeah.
00:14:38If a guy says something, you know,
00:14:39I'm gonna fuck you up after school, and you go,
00:14:41Oh, shit.
00:14:42When's that?
00:14:44Then you look, and you're like,
00:14:45I got six...
00:14:46It's about six hours left before this guy's gonna fuck me.
00:14:49So, yeah, yeah, it is.
00:14:49This whole episode of this show, by the way,
00:14:52even when I'm here talking to you, I'm living that life.
00:14:54I'm just thinking about the fight.
00:14:56I know, brother.
00:14:56The whole time.
00:14:57You're gonna do great.
00:14:58Thanks.
00:14:58These three kids are nervous, too, I'm sure.
00:15:00You think they're nervous?
00:15:01I guarantee, yeah.
00:15:02You don't want...
00:15:02Nobody wants to fight.
00:15:03But when it happens, you get it done.
00:15:05When you're fighting, the adrenaline, that's the part.
00:15:08Yeah.
00:15:08Then you're going, and then it's over.
00:15:10But what if I like it too much, and then I just...
00:15:12And we're off the air.
00:15:14You know, this is our last episode,
00:15:15and I'm just wandering around...
00:15:17Looking for more.
00:15:17...West Larchmont Village, just picking fights.
00:15:20Oh, yeah.
00:15:22That'd be fun.
00:15:23You were...
00:15:23Were you already doing stand-up as a teen,
00:15:25or did you have, like, a pretty good, like,
00:15:27teenage high school life?
00:15:28I was mostly normal, like these guys over here.
00:15:31Yeah.
00:15:31But I started young, though.
00:15:32I started stand-up at 17.
00:15:33Very nice.
00:15:34But I was in a band.
00:15:35You were?
00:15:35I was in a band.
00:15:36I was in a high school band with...
00:15:38I was in a elementary school band.
00:15:41I swear to God, I was in a band with this other kid,
00:15:43Lex Liannis.
00:15:44He played drums.
00:15:45Lex Liannis is a cool name.
00:15:46Yeah, that's...
00:15:47He was cool.
00:15:47Yeah.
00:15:48He had cool hair.
00:15:49He had long hair in the back.
00:15:50I think of the first guy in the neighborhood
00:15:51to get the feathered earring.
00:15:52Oh, wow.
00:15:53And, uh...
00:15:53What was the band called?
00:15:55The ne...
00:15:55When we were in a band in sixth grade,
00:15:57we were called Still Young.
00:15:58How cool was that?
00:16:00That's pretty good.
00:16:01Still Young.
00:16:04But, uh...
00:16:05We only played, uh,
00:16:07House of the Rising Sun and My Sharona.
00:16:09Oh, that's great.
00:16:10Yeah.
00:16:10Did you know what House of the Rising Sun was about?
00:16:12I knew it was kind of badass.
00:16:13No.
00:16:14Now, when I listen to it,
00:16:16I go, oh, I shouldn't have been singing.
00:16:17It's so funny.
00:16:18You two were 11 singing about a whorehouse over and over.
00:16:21And then what was your band in high school?
00:16:22Uh, I was in a band in high school.
00:16:24Uh, we had a bunch of names.
00:16:25I was in Spectrum, Storm, Messiah.
00:16:28Those are separate bands?
00:16:30Those were all...
00:16:31I would get kicked out of each band,
00:16:32then I'd join my...
00:16:33I was in Spectrum,
00:16:34they kicked me out,
00:16:35then I was in Storm,
00:16:35then they kicked me out,
00:16:36then I was in Messiah,
00:16:37they kicked me out.
00:16:38But, uh, but I used to sing and play guitar.
00:16:41We used to play Zeppelin, Aerosmith,
00:16:42that kind of shit.
00:16:43That's fantastic.
00:16:44Yeah, yeah, yeah.
00:16:44Did you guys get paying gigs?
00:16:46We did a few.
00:16:47There was a place in my town,
00:16:48Manchester, New Hampshire,
00:16:49called The Place.
00:16:50And they...
00:16:51It was called The Place.
00:16:52It was a bar,
00:16:53and it was called The Place, right?
00:16:55And they let us play,
00:16:56and my parents and, uh,
00:16:58relatives came and saw us,
00:16:59and they were on one side,
00:17:00and then all the real fucking patrons,
00:17:03like the badasses,
00:17:04were there kind of staring at us,
00:17:05who are these fucking kids playing?
00:17:07But, uh, we did it.
00:17:08It was amazing.
00:17:09Fun.
00:17:09That's fantastic.
00:17:10So you had a nice high school period.
00:17:12Pretty normal.
00:17:13Were you a good student?
00:17:14Uh, no.
00:17:15Yeah.
00:17:15I mean, I wanted to be...
00:17:17I was very smart until, like,
00:17:18fucking sixth grade.
00:17:20Yeah.
00:17:21And then, all of a sudden,
00:17:22I saw everyone else raising hands and shit.
00:17:24I was like, who the...
00:17:25They know this shit?
00:17:26I didn't know what was going on.
00:17:27I tuned out a lot.
00:17:29I couldn't handle the jump
00:17:30to just the amount of homework,
00:17:32junior high and high school.
00:17:33Like, I just...
00:17:34I couldn't handle that much incoming stuff.
00:17:36Yes. Yeah.
00:17:36And, you know, we'd be...
00:17:37I'd be doing lighting for the school play,
00:17:40come back,
00:17:41it's like 5 p.m. in Chicago,
00:17:42it's already dark out,
00:17:43and then you had two hours of homework.
00:17:45It was like being, like,
00:17:45a detective who's going to law school at night.
00:17:48Like...
00:17:49Oh, yeah.
00:17:49Coming all fucking tired,
00:17:51and you have to get the books out,
00:17:52so cranky all the time.
00:17:54Of course.
00:17:54And then my mother...
00:17:55My mother always wanted me to do the homework,
00:17:57and my father was kind of cool about it.
00:17:59He'd be like,
00:17:59you do what you do.
00:18:00That's...
00:18:01Do what you do.
00:18:02Do what you do.
00:18:03I was never good.
00:18:03My father fucking said out loud,
00:18:05I wasn't great at school,
00:18:07and I was like,
00:18:07all right, here we go.
00:18:09I'm not gonna be great at school.
00:18:11Did you get hassled
00:18:12for having bad grades?
00:18:14Uh...
00:18:14It was kind of expected after a while.
00:18:16It was like...
00:18:18I...
00:18:18I did pretty...
00:18:19When we were little,
00:18:20in elementary school,
00:18:21you used to get either a G,
00:18:22an S, or an N.
00:18:24Yeah.
00:18:24G, S, and...
00:18:25Like, G was very good,
00:18:26S was satisfactory,
00:18:27N was no good,
00:18:28I think, or something.
00:18:29And I did fine,
00:18:31and then, like,
00:18:31when we got to the fucking A through F,
00:18:34that's when I started getting bad grades.
00:18:35Yeah.
00:18:36That's really when it doesn't just become
00:18:38about attendance and stuff.
00:18:39Right, right.
00:18:40How are you doing in school, Zephyrine?
00:18:42Um, I'm doing all right.
00:18:43I'm doing all right.
00:18:44Yeah?
00:18:45Meh.
00:18:45Meh?
00:18:46Meh.
00:18:47Are you good at some shit,
00:18:48and really bad at others, or...?
00:18:49I'd say I'm very average at everything.
00:18:52That's exactly how I was.
00:18:55That's good.
00:18:56That's a good place to be.
00:18:58Nice.
00:19:00I don't think, I don't think,
00:19:02and I mean this,
00:19:02and you kids, maybe this is inspiring to you,
00:19:04but there wasn't an exceptional thing about me
00:19:07before the age of 24.
00:19:08Yeah, yeah, yeah.
00:19:09I really was just kind of walking around
00:19:12all dehydrated and angry.
00:19:15Yeah.
00:19:15What about all the chin-ups, having to do chin-ups?
00:19:19Remember in school when people were good at chin-ups?
00:19:21Yeah.
00:19:22So I used to be bad at chin-ups.
00:19:26All these guys could do a lot of chin-ups
00:19:28when I was a teenager,
00:19:29so I told my dad,
00:19:30I gotta get better at chin-ups,
00:19:32and he made a,
00:19:33he used to work at this plant that had pipes,
00:19:36so he put a pipe up on the, in my basement up,
00:19:39he hammered a pipe in the roof,
00:19:42and it was like this, so you could grab it,
00:19:44and he said, practice chin-ups, you'll get good,
00:19:46do it alone,
00:19:47and I pulled up,
00:19:49and the first chin-up,
00:19:50I fucking yanked really hard,
00:19:51there was a nail come out there,
00:19:54and it didn't go through my head,
00:19:55but it definitely hit it.
00:19:56Wow.
00:19:57And then I said,
00:19:58there was a nail there,
00:19:59and he goes,
00:20:00you're right.
00:20:05Ah, yeah.
00:20:09Well, yeah, yeah, yeah.
00:20:10I mean, can you do a pull-up now?
00:20:13No way.
00:20:13Yeah.
00:20:14They make me want to throw up.
00:20:16Oh, they've got,
00:20:16but you're strong now.
00:20:17I saw Johnny.
00:20:18I've gotten in better shape since.
00:20:19You're in great shape.
00:20:20Without the speed and the coke and stuff,
00:20:21but like,
00:20:23but it's still,
00:20:24I don't know what it is about anything body weight.
00:20:26I go, ah.
00:20:27Yes, yes, yes.
00:20:28Yeah.
00:20:29You'd rather see a thing that you go,
00:20:31okay, I'm gonna do a hundred.
00:20:32I'd rather even do the two big ropes.
00:20:34Oh, that's crazy.
00:20:35That wasn't around when I was working out.
00:20:37They didn't have rope?
00:20:37They didn't.
00:20:40We weren't told to fucking do this shit.
00:20:43Yeah, yeah, yeah.
00:20:43No, no, no.
00:20:44I've only seen people do it.
00:20:45Yeah, you don't jump on that one.
00:20:47No.
00:20:48Like, sometimes I see a guy at the gym,
00:20:49he's got a block,
00:20:51and then he piles disc weights on it,
00:20:52and he pushes it across the gym floor,
00:20:54going,
00:20:55I should have him tap in for me
00:20:59during this fight tonight.
00:21:01You want to take a call?
00:21:02Yes.
00:21:03Okay.
00:21:04Thank you.
00:21:04Let's see, who we got here?
00:21:07Emmett in Los Angeles, California.
00:21:11Hello, Emmett?
00:21:12Hello.
00:21:13Hey, it's John Mulaney.
00:21:14Are you 12?
00:21:16Uh, I am, yeah, 12 and a half.
00:21:18Oh, great.
00:21:19Only the kids give you that.
00:21:2112 and a half, yeah.
00:21:2212 and a half, very nice.
00:21:23Yeah.
00:21:24What can we help you with, Mitt?
00:21:26Uh, well, I have a story about Little Pickle.
00:21:30It's a kid with bodyguards,
00:21:32and he pays them,
00:21:33and he's really popular.
00:21:34Is this a comic you read,
00:21:36or is this a...
00:21:37Uh, it's some guy.
00:21:38What do you mean, some guy?
00:21:40Who's Little Pickle?
00:21:41He just walks around with his bodyguards,
00:21:43and his, like, seven girlfriends,
00:21:44like, smelling snacks to people.
00:21:46Who is Little Pickle?
00:21:47Yeah, yeah.
00:21:50That's Little Pickle, yeah.
00:21:51Yeah, yeah.
00:21:53But, I'm sorry, Emmett,
00:21:54because I am interested.
00:21:55No.
00:21:56Like, where are you seeing Little Pickle?
00:22:00Uh, at school a lot.
00:22:01He's a student,
00:22:02or an adult that walks around the school?
00:22:04No, he's a student.
00:22:06Oh, how old is Little Pickle?
00:22:08Uh, he's, like, around 13, 14.
00:22:10Oh!
00:22:12Got you.
00:22:12And he's got seven girlfriends?
00:22:14Uh, pretty sure, yeah.
00:22:16He walks around with, like,
00:22:17a different girl each day.
00:22:20What?
00:22:21All right.
00:22:22He, he, he's, yeah.
00:22:24He's poorly named.
00:22:25He's what?
00:22:26Nothing.
00:22:29Now, Emmett,
00:22:30the name Little Pickle's a little silly,
00:22:32but, like, he's popular, this guy, right?
00:22:34Very popular.
00:22:35He's, like, the most popular kid in school.
00:22:37He, he's crazy.
00:22:38He's crazy?
00:22:40How do you feel about his...
00:22:41He's mind-blowing.
00:22:42He's mind-blowing.
00:22:43He's mind-blowing.
00:22:43So you think he's cool?
00:22:45He, he is insanely cool.
00:22:47He is, he is, uh,
00:22:48shining very brightly on my darkest day.
00:22:50He is beautiful.
00:22:51He's amazing.
00:22:54Emmett.
00:22:55Yeah.
00:22:55So it's not a problem,
00:22:57this Little Pickle.
00:22:58Yeah.
00:22:58You look up to him?
00:23:00Uh, he's the greatest guy I've ever known.
00:23:05Nice, nice.
00:23:06That a baby, Emmett.
00:23:07That's great.
00:23:10Yeah.
00:23:10Emmett, uh, you don't drive, but when you can,
00:23:13what kind of car would you like to drive?
00:23:16Uh, Lamborghini.
00:23:17Good for you.
00:23:18All right.
00:23:19Give our best to Little Pickle and his...
00:23:22Yeah, yeah.
00:23:22I don't mean to be crass, but his harem of young women,
00:23:25I think.
00:23:26All right.
00:23:28That was great.
00:23:29That was great.
00:23:30I didn't know what was going on for,
00:23:32for the first 30 seconds, right?
00:23:34Yeah.
00:23:34I thought it was imaginary.
00:23:36And, like, a way he, like...
00:23:38I was like, oh, he draws this comic in his closet.
00:23:41And he's got, like, a bad stepdad.
00:23:43And he was like, what are you doing?
00:23:44And he's, like, drawing Little Pickle.
00:23:46And he's living vicariously through Little Pickle.
00:23:49But it turns out there's just some baller-ass kid.
00:23:51He's a badass, yeah.
00:23:52Yeah.
00:23:53That is so cool.
00:23:55Are you intrigued by Little Pickle?
00:23:56I mean, my question was,
00:23:58does he have feelings for Little Pickle?
00:24:01That was my question.
00:24:02Yeah.
00:24:02I'm like, is he asking for advice
00:24:03on how to take this relationship with Little Pickle...
00:24:06Right.
00:24:07Oh, that's right.
00:24:08...to the past friendship?
00:24:09Yeah, yeah.
00:24:09That... that we will...
00:24:10that we will hopefully explore if he calls back.
00:24:12We're having a blast talking to Teens
00:24:15and Zephyrin and Adam Sandler,
00:24:16but we're gonna take a quick break.
00:24:17Oh, no, no.
00:24:18Oh, Jesus.
00:24:20Oh, that sounded very bad.
00:24:21Is everyone...
00:24:22I hope everyone's okay.
00:24:23Oh, my God.
00:24:24I can't believe it.
00:24:25A high-speed car crash
00:24:26with no skid marks
00:24:27and Halloween fog
00:24:28right between our stage and the audience.
00:24:31Oh, my God.
00:24:32Oh.
00:24:33Oh.
00:24:34Oh, this is very bad.
00:24:36This is very bad.
00:24:37Oh.
00:24:39Oh.
00:24:40Oh, my God.
00:24:40Oh, my God.
00:24:41Oh, my God.
00:24:42Wow.
00:24:42Oh.
00:24:45Oh.
00:24:47Oh.
00:24:48Oh.
00:24:49Oh.
00:24:51Oh.
00:24:51Oh, Dad.
00:24:52Oh, Dad.
00:24:53Oh, Dad.
00:24:54Something terrible's just happened.
00:24:56You know, it's prom and everything,
00:24:57and I was driving Belinda.
00:24:59And, you know, Eric, the cousin you hate,
00:25:02he...
00:25:02he bought her some...
00:25:03some hard lemonade.
00:25:05And he...
00:25:05Yes, there was other stuff, too.
00:25:07And then, all of a sudden,
00:25:08we were in a crash,
00:25:09and Belinda's dead.
00:25:12And...
00:25:13No, what?
00:25:14What?
00:25:14No, no, no.
00:25:15I didn't call the cops.
00:25:16I called you first like you taught me.
00:25:19What?
00:25:20You want me to what?
00:25:22I don't think I can do that.
00:25:24No.
00:25:24What?
00:25:25Okay.
00:25:26I'll call you when it's done.
00:25:27Okay.
00:25:28All right.
00:25:29Here you go.
00:25:30Belinda, you get in the driver's seat.
00:25:32Go on.
00:25:32Hey, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa.
00:25:34Hey, hey, hey.
00:25:35Henry.
00:25:36Henry.
00:25:36What the...
00:25:36What are you doing?
00:25:37Oh, now we're breaking the fourth wall, John?
00:25:43None of this dad phone call stuff is in the script.
00:25:46No, I know that.
00:25:47But if my character was in this situation,
00:25:50he would want to get out of it as quickly as he could.
00:25:52I mean, his entire life would be, like, ruined.
00:25:55Well, that's the whole point.
00:25:56If you drink and drive, your life is entirely ruined.
00:25:59But he's going to lose his tennis scholarship at UCLA.
00:26:03He should lose his tennis scholarship at UCLA.
00:26:06Also, what are you talking about?
00:26:09Hector has been playing since he was three.
00:26:12And all he wanted to do was to make his abuelito so proud.
00:26:18Wait a minute.
00:26:18Did you make your character Latino?
00:26:20I don't think that's okay.
00:26:23Are you judging my choices?
00:26:26Look, I know that this shattered dreams thing isn't Shakespeare,
00:26:30but they perform this exact script at hundreds of high schools
00:26:33around the country.
00:26:33Henry, it saves lives.
00:26:35Yes.
00:26:35Oh, talking about being saved?
00:26:36Yeah.
00:26:37I heard that I was, like, the fifth person you thought of for this big...
00:26:41No!
00:26:42That's not...
00:26:42You were always number one, Henry,
00:26:44regardless of Frankie Mooney's race car driving schedule.
00:26:48Can I get back to my craft?
00:26:50Yeah.
00:26:51Oh, my goodness.
00:26:54Somebody I love is dead.
00:26:56I should not drink and drive!
00:27:02Oh!
00:27:03Wow.
00:27:05Another senseless tragedy that could have been prevented.
00:27:08You know...
00:27:09Young man?
00:27:09Yes.
00:27:09Is this your vehicle?
00:27:10Yes.
00:27:11Have you been drinking?
00:27:12What?
00:27:16You know what?
00:27:17I would like to make this all go away as quickly as possible.
00:27:20Hmm.
00:27:21Aren't you that kid that's supposed to go pro at tennis?
00:27:24Oh, God damn it.
00:27:28I bet your congressman father would pay any amount of money
00:27:31to make it seem like you were never here.
00:27:33Oh, true words have never been spoken.
00:27:35I'm gonna call my father's Ray Donovan.
00:27:38Hmm.
00:27:40Let's get this dead girl in the driver's seat.
00:27:42Yes.
00:27:43No, no, no, no.
00:27:44No, no, no.
00:27:44You know what?
00:27:45You know what's funny?
00:27:46John, my father said the same thing.
00:27:48No, no, no.
00:27:49Have respect for the dead.
00:27:51This is not what's supposed to happen, damn it.
00:27:53There's so much fog.
00:27:55The lesson...
00:27:57The lesson is don't drink and drive.
00:27:59I'm not sure how we got into bribing a cop to cover up a murder.
00:28:03I'll tell you how we got here.
00:28:05My character has been on the force for nine years.
00:28:08Oh, Jesus.
00:28:09He's watching everybody around him get promoted except him.
00:28:14His wife is for sure sleeping with the principal of the school she teaches at.
00:28:18And last month, his twin 10-year-old sons called him by his first name.
00:28:23Well, Officer Juan Carlos Garcia is done playing by the rules.
00:28:30How does he get to be Latino?
00:28:33Oh, he's closer.
00:28:35No, no.
00:28:36I'm not.
00:28:37I would never say that.
00:28:38I'm not going to say that out loud.
00:28:40Listen.
00:28:40This was supposed to be where Henry says,
00:28:43Why did I drink and drive?
00:28:45My thoughtlessness has ruined my life in the lives of countless others.
00:28:48Then, Officer Carl, you arrest him and he goes to prison forever.
00:28:52Yeah, that just kind of felt predictable to us, you know?
00:28:55Us?
00:28:56Did you two meet up earlier?
00:28:57Well, we went to a place called Cava.
00:28:59Yeah, I know what Cava is.
00:29:00I've been to Cava.
00:29:02All right.
00:29:03Henry, thank you.
00:29:04You can head on home from the show now.
00:29:06Well, I would like to, but you know, I'm a little buzzed.
00:29:10Of course you are.
00:29:11Yeah.
00:29:12You know, you did send me a car service, but they didn't show up.
00:29:16I drove myself and now I'm Buzzy Europe.
00:29:18Yeah.
00:29:18I think I'm going to sleep here.
00:29:20Okay.
00:29:20Yeah.
00:29:21Similar situation and I would like it if we all slept here.
00:29:24Okay, listen.
00:29:25Any teens or adults who are buzzed can sleep here or I'll give them a ride home.
00:29:37This helpful piece of theater went to shit almost immediately.
00:29:41But we did show that rich kids get away with stuff, so I guess that's a lesson.
00:29:46I don't know.
00:29:52How are you doing?
00:29:57How are you doing?
00:29:58Thank you, Henry.
00:29:59Thank you, Henry Winkler and Carl Tartt.
00:30:01What a nice moment they had.
00:30:04I want to bring out now one of my best friends, a hilarious comedian and one of the greatest contributors
00:30:09to my text threads ever.
00:30:11Please welcome my good friend, the brilliant, very funny Mr. Joe Mandy.
00:30:15Yeah.
00:30:20Good to see you again.
00:30:22Good to see you again.
00:30:25Good to see you, Joe.
00:30:26Good to see you.
00:30:28Good to see you, Joe.
00:30:28Thank you.
00:30:29Hey, Joe.
00:30:29Hey, hi.
00:30:30Great to see you.
00:30:30Good to see you, dude.
00:30:31Great to be here on Teen Night.
00:30:32Yeah, thanks for coming on Teen Night.
00:30:34I really appreciate it.
00:30:35You know, I was a teen for like six or seven years.
00:30:37Oh, yeah?
00:30:38Yeah.
00:30:39You're, uh, I mean, you've got many sides to you, but you're an anxious fellow now, were you when you
00:30:45were a teenager?
00:30:45Um, yeah, severely.
00:30:47I had, uh, I had stress-induced diarrhea for three years.
00:30:53Like...
00:30:54Every morning?
00:30:54Off and on, or...?
00:30:55No, consistently.
00:30:58Uh...
00:30:58Starting at what age?
00:30:59Like, I would say 15.
00:31:01I just, um, mainly, like, my parents stressed me out, school stressed me out, and that, um, manifested in just
00:31:09daily diarrhea.
00:31:11Morning time diarrhea?
00:31:12Morning time diarrhea.
00:31:13Yeah.
00:31:14Yeah.
00:31:14That's a hard, like, was there a point...
00:31:17When do you first say to someone, like, I have diarrhea?
00:31:19Yeah, it took...
00:31:21Uh, it took me about three years to tell my parents that I...
00:31:24Yeah, I would...
00:31:25It kind of would, yeah.
00:31:26Yeah.
00:31:26And then they were concerned.
00:31:27They were like, that's not healthy.
00:31:29And I was like, yeah, no shit.
00:31:31You know?
00:31:33Uh, so they took me to a doctor.
00:31:35We went to the doctor.
00:31:37Uh, GI specialist.
00:31:38Yes.
00:31:39Yeah.
00:31:39Who said I needed, uh, they were very concerned.
00:31:41They thought it could be cancerous, whatever.
00:31:43Oh, yeah.
00:31:43So I got a colonoscopy.
00:31:44The colonoscopy was done by...
00:31:46You're how old?
00:31:46I'm 16.
00:31:48And you're getting a colonoscopy.
00:31:49Getting a colonoscopy.
00:31:50Uh, it was, it was, uh, performed by a, a med student.
00:31:54A medical student.
00:31:55Uh, uh, uh, and, um, I think the student, uh, I, she didn't read the part where you're supposed
00:32:03to put, like, anesthetics.
00:32:05So I was, it was, uh, just a dry...
00:32:08It was dry.
00:32:09Wow.
00:32:09A colonoscopy, fully, just wide awake, and just, like, every time the camera would,
00:32:14like, hit a curb, I'd be like...
00:32:17Oh, man.
00:32:17You know?
00:32:19And, yeah, and that was, like, it was, like, torture.
00:32:22Like, actual torture.
00:32:23Yeah, that's a form of torture.
00:32:24Um, and then, uh, the doctor came out and said, that was not supposed to happen that
00:32:28way.
00:32:28So, sorry.
00:32:29She got a C, I bet.
00:32:31Yeah, yeah.
00:32:32Yeah.
00:32:34But it wasn't cancer.
00:32:35And then, um, they said I just had stress-induced IBS.
00:32:39Sure.
00:32:39And then I got a, uh, experimental pill, a blue pill from the University of Minnesota
00:32:44that cured my IBS, and I was, like, my life is saved.
00:32:47Was it, like, a, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, placebo?
00:32:51Psychiatric thing, or was it, actually, was it 4G?
00:32:53I didn't ask any, I should have asked more questions.
00:32:56Yeah, yeah, yeah.
00:32:56Like, should I be anesthetized for this?
00:32:59You know?
00:32:59And then I, so I took the pill, solved my IBS, but then my eyes started to bulge out of
00:33:04my
00:33:04head.
00:33:04Wow.
00:33:04Whoa.
00:33:05To the point that I couldn't blink, and then they were, like, stop taking that medicine.
00:33:08It is experimental.
00:33:09Whoa.
00:33:10You had big bulging eyes that couldn't blink?
00:33:12Yeah.
00:33:12Yeah, like, like, stupid human tricks, but, like, not on purpose.
00:33:15Right.
00:33:16Wow.
00:33:16Yeah.
00:33:17Yeah.
00:33:17And so, uh, but now I just take fiber.
00:33:20Kids take fiber pills.
00:33:21That's good.
00:33:22Yeah, take fiber.
00:33:22You need, yeah.
00:33:23Um, what would happen if you stopped?
00:33:26Do you think you'd go back to stress-induced diarrhea if you didn't take fiber?
00:33:28Um, I mean, ask me later.
00:33:30I'm pretty stressed out right now.
00:33:31Yeah, yeah, for sure.
00:33:32For sure.
00:33:33Diarrhea, as an adult, is not bad every once in a while.
00:33:37Yeah.
00:33:38Yeah.
00:33:39And, like, iPhones have changed the game with diarrhea, you know?
00:33:42You can watch a...
00:33:42Oh, that's true.
00:33:43You can watch a full movie on it, you know?
00:33:46That's good.
00:33:47It was very tense.
00:33:49I don't mean to put you on the spot, Zephyrin, but it was, uh...
00:33:53It was very tense as a kid going to the bathroom in high school.
00:33:56I felt like I never went to the bathroom in high school.
00:33:58Right.
00:33:59Do you guys...
00:33:59Are you still uptight about that kind of thing?
00:34:03Um, I mean, I feel like most people use the bathroom for vaping, so...
00:34:07Ooh.
00:34:08You go in there for different reasons.
00:34:09That's wild, the vaping.
00:34:10Yeah, yeah, vaping.
00:34:11You could not take a shit at my high school.
00:34:13If anyone saw your feet, they would kick the door down and throw wet paper towels in.
00:34:18Yeah, yeah, yeah.
00:34:19Wouldn't you go to Lean On Me High School?
00:34:21Pretty much, yeah.
00:34:22That's crazy.
00:34:23Yeah, yeah, yeah.
00:34:24The, uh, the, uh, my parents hooked it up one year because I had some diarrhea.
00:34:29And you talked to...
00:34:30You also went to your parents to go, this is happening.
00:34:32I said, I get...
00:34:33I've been having a lot of diarrhea lately.
00:34:36Yeah.
00:34:36And they were...
00:34:37And my father was like, that's good.
00:34:40But, but my mother said, it shouldn't be that much.
00:34:43Yeah.
00:34:43Yeah.
00:34:44But I, uh, I didn't like going to the, uh, the bathroom with the other kids, you know,
00:34:49when the feet dangled, like you're saying.
00:34:51So I got to use...
00:34:52They talked to the teachers and let me use teacher faculty for a little bit.
00:34:56For like a...
00:34:57To go in and destroy the place?
00:34:58I...
00:35:00I wouldn't really even have it.
00:35:02I just wanted to get out of class.
00:35:03Yeah, that's great.
00:35:04Oh, that's nice.
00:35:04Yeah, yeah.
00:35:05Zephyrin, they, we hear a lot about anxiety disorders among, you know, people, your contemporaries.
00:35:10Do you find, uh, that that's the case?
00:35:13Or do you experience a lot of anxiety?
00:35:15Your friends, do they experience a lot of anxiety?
00:35:16I mean, I have a lot of anxiety.
00:35:18You do?
00:35:18Too much.
00:35:19Yeah.
00:35:19Too much.
00:35:20Um, I have OCD.
00:35:21And I have every possible subtype of OCD.
00:35:25Really?
00:35:26Yes.
00:35:26How does that normally manifest?
00:35:28Um, it normally manifests in like screaming and crying while doing history.
00:35:33Oh, wow.
00:35:34Yeah.
00:35:35Wow.
00:35:36The pressure, sure.
00:35:36And do you feel like the school supports you?
00:35:39Do you, uh, do you like do anything through the school with counselors?
00:35:42Um, there, there are a lot of counselors that I do go see.
00:35:45Um, and they tell me that I'm normal and that I can live a normal life.
00:35:50Which isn't like.
00:35:51Oh, they say it like that?
00:35:52Yeah.
00:35:52Which isn't like super confidence producing.
00:35:54Have you tried fiber pills?
00:35:56Yeah.
00:35:56Try fiber pills.
00:35:57That's all I got.
00:35:58I would, yeah.
00:35:59That's a little like patronizing.
00:36:01There's a show called Different Strokes and the guy on it was never going to be tall
00:36:05and they, there's an episode where they tell him he'll live a normal life as a little person
00:36:09and that really, I didn't need to go down that route.
00:36:14But it sounds, that sounds a little, almost alarmist and patronizing.
00:36:18Yeah.
00:36:18I was told that procrastination was a form of anxiety and then told to leave.
00:36:24So I learned that.
00:36:26Procrastinating is great.
00:36:27Okay.
00:36:27Yeah.
00:36:28You should do it.
00:36:29Don't worry about it.
00:36:30Other people's timetable.
00:36:31That's their own business.
00:36:32Okay.
00:36:33Only, I mean, also like it's that, that, that all ends.
00:36:36You never have to know information on a certain day the way you do in exams.
00:36:42Okay, kids.
00:36:43No.
00:36:43Like it, no one's ever come up to me and been like, you know, uh, who's Vaclav Havel?
00:36:49You can't check.
00:36:51You know?
00:36:53I'd go, oh, now you go, I, I know, I, I know a lot about them, but remind me.
00:36:57And then they'd tell you what happened.
00:36:59So.
00:36:59But you, you also literally host a live talk show, which is very time dependent.
00:37:04That is time dependent.
00:37:05Yeah.
00:37:05But I don't know if you've noticed, we meander a good deal.
00:37:08And we follow whatever tangent we want.
00:37:11Yeah, that's true.
00:37:11And we're built for, for OCD coping.
00:37:14Yeah.
00:37:14Yeah.
00:37:15Do you find, not that they have OCD, but can you talk to your friends about it?
00:37:19Are there others who, I'm not saying they cried during history, but they will cry or,
00:37:24or they, they have this anxiety.
00:37:25Yeah, definitely.
00:37:26And you talk to them about it.
00:37:28Yes.
00:37:28Are you embarrassed or are they embarrassed or is it sort of, you're just okay?
00:37:31I think we're all just so tired that it just all goes out the window.
00:37:36You're so tired.
00:37:37Yeah.
00:37:37Uh, do you mind me asking, not to sound naive, but about what?
00:37:41Uh, homework.
00:37:43Homework.
00:37:43Homework.
00:37:44Homework.
00:37:44College stuff?
00:37:46Uh, yeah.
00:37:47Eventually.
00:37:48Cause you're already in that rat race, right?
00:37:49Yeah.
00:37:50Already fucking driving around looking at Bowdoin and shit.
00:37:52Yeah.
00:37:56Well, it does, yeah.
00:37:59I was about to say it does end.
00:38:00It, it just changes.
00:38:02It just changes.
00:38:03Okay.
00:38:03Now I'm anxious about my kids, probably the same way I was the PSAT.
00:38:08Yeah.
00:38:09You know, but like, yeah.
00:38:11It gets worse in a different way.
00:38:12I don't know if it gets worse.
00:38:14It just changes shape, you know?
00:38:17Okay.
00:38:17It's a shape shifter.
00:38:19Like a, like a melted gummy bear?
00:38:21Yes.
00:38:22Sort of slowly.
00:38:24Like a melted gummy bear.
00:38:24Okay.
00:38:24All right.
00:38:25Real quick.
00:38:26Let's take a call as a group.
00:38:27This is Hannah in Linfield, Mass.
00:38:30Hey, Hannah.
00:38:30What's up?
00:38:32Hi, John.
00:38:33How old are you?
00:38:35I'm 13 years old.
00:38:37Hi.
00:38:37Thanks for calling.
00:38:39Oh, yeah.
00:38:40Good to call.
00:38:41I actually didn't want to talk about being a teenager.
00:38:45I wanted to talk about the opposite side.
00:38:48I know you might think it's hard to fight these 14-year-old boys, but why do you pick
00:38:53on someone my own size like me, a 13-year-old girl?
00:38:57Did you say, why don't I pick on someone my own size like you, a 13-year-old girl?
00:39:04In fact, I don't just want to fight you.
00:39:07I want to fight you and Richard Kimes of the big size.
00:39:11Do not fight Richard Kimes.
00:39:13I was the baddest motherfucker ever.
00:39:17All right.
00:39:17Hannah.
00:39:20Young lady.
00:39:21Hear me, young lady.
00:39:24Hannah, I've got to jump, but I've seen Richard fight a Delta help desk attendant, and you
00:39:30never want to get in the ring with him.
00:39:32Be well, Hannah.
00:39:33I've got to move on right now.
00:39:35We're going to take a quick break, but first, this past Friday, speaking of my kids, I was
00:39:39supposed to shoot this, like, funny man on the street thing where I talk to people, but
00:39:43I had to go to my son's swimming lesson.
00:39:46It was a special day for parents to go.
00:39:48So, based on the law of Switch, I had our nanny shoot the man on the street segment.
00:39:54Uh-oh.
00:39:54Uh-oh.
00:39:54That's funny.
00:39:57You mean Hyacinth your nanny?
00:39:59I mean Hyacinth the nanny, Richard.
00:40:01Whoa!
00:40:02Y'all know Hyacinth my nanny, right?
00:40:08She's great.
00:40:09She's Jamaican, but she's not scared to touch white children.
00:40:12She's mean in all the ways you want her to be.
00:40:14Anyway, she shot it.
00:40:16Here's the segment.
00:40:17It's called Hyacinth on the Street.
00:40:23Hyacinth on the Street.
00:40:26Come, come, Vidala.
00:40:29Do you believe in the Lord?
00:40:31What?
00:40:31Do you believe in the Lord?
00:40:35Who raised him?
00:40:36Who raised you?
00:40:39Oh, my God.
00:40:40Who raised you?
00:40:41Who raised me?
00:40:42My mama and my grandma.
00:40:44Oh, good man.
00:40:55What's the matter with you?
00:40:57Huh?
00:40:58What?
00:40:58What's the matter with you?
00:40:59Whatcha here for?
00:41:01Black metal.
00:41:02Concert.
00:41:03What, what kind of music is that?
00:41:05C'est Titanic.
00:41:07God save this man!
00:41:11My mind is a terrible thing to waste.
00:41:16Pretend Will Ferrell next to me.
00:41:19Sorry?
00:41:20You know, the one dressed like homosexual in the Elf movie?
00:41:24What's the matter with you?
00:41:26You like John Mulaney?
00:41:27Uh, John Mulaney?
00:41:29He's kinda funny, I'm not like a huge fan.
00:41:32Where's your manners now?
00:41:33Your respect, Mr. Donovan, you hear?
00:41:38Lightning round.
00:41:40I ain't doing no lightning round.
00:41:41I worked your hard to be running round like this.
00:41:44Lightning round.
00:41:46Just the only footage you're getting, Mr. John Mulaney.
00:41:49Cut it together however you want.
00:41:53Lightning round.
00:41:55Thank you.
00:41:56Thank you, Hyacinth, everybody.
00:41:59The meanest lady in two slippers.
00:42:01I'm here with Adam Sandler,
00:42:02my good friend, Joe Mandy.
00:42:04A teenager, 16-year-old dynamo named Zephyrine Lucan.
00:42:07We have Richard Kind here.
00:42:08I'm gonna fight three 14-year-olds later in the evening.
00:42:10But right now, this is a very big honor for all of us at the show.
00:42:13This is one of my favorite actors and directors,
00:42:16and a fascinating man that I'm really honored came on our show.
00:42:20Please, ladies and gentlemen, give it up for Mr. Sean Penn.
00:42:22Yeah!
00:42:25Yeah!
00:42:33Hey, how are you?
00:42:34Very well.
00:42:34Thanks for coming, man.
00:42:36Thanks for having me.
00:42:37Sean, how are you?
00:42:38I'm very well, thank you.
00:42:39Very nice.
00:42:40Thanks for being on our program.
00:42:41I don't know if you know Zephyrine, 16 years old,
00:42:44giving us a lot of information.
00:42:46He's watching from the Green Room.
00:42:46Yeah.
00:42:48I was wanting to ask...
00:42:49He's got that young man, you know,
00:42:50petrified that it's gonna go around,
00:42:52that he has deeper feelings for that.
00:42:54Yeah, we wonder how the guy's doing,
00:42:56that we believe has feelings for Lil Pickle, but...
00:43:00That was my rap name, actually.
00:43:02Lil Pickle?
00:43:03Yeah.
00:43:03You were a big dill, right?
00:43:05Yeah.
00:43:07All right, that's the end of the show.
00:43:12I'm fighting these kids later on in the show, Sean.
00:43:16When you're...
00:43:17You're growing up in Malibu?
00:43:19Mm-hmm.
00:43:19Partly.
00:43:20Were you a...
00:43:20Did you, like, get in scraps in fights?
00:43:22Everybody did then.
00:43:24It's, you know...
00:43:25Well, I...
00:43:27Did I return fire?
00:43:29I might have won once in a while,
00:43:31but I remember getting fought a lot, yeah.
00:43:34People would fight you, come after you?
00:43:37Well, everybody...
00:43:37Everybody did.
00:43:39It seemed like that...
00:43:40When my kids were growing up,
00:43:42you know, at least in their school,
00:43:44in that community,
00:43:45I don't think I heard about fight the whole time.
00:43:48Yeah.
00:43:48Yeah.
00:43:49But it was always something like that.
00:43:51We had...
00:43:52Also, we had this whole...
00:43:54We were meant to be good stewards of the ocean
00:43:57and not let people that were, you know,
00:44:01toxic from the valley come and surf it.
00:44:04Oh, shit, it was like a Malibu versus Valley thing?
00:44:08Yeah.
00:44:09Yeah.
00:44:09Well, it was...
00:44:10Specifically Point Doom versus anywhere else.
00:44:13Yeah.
00:44:13Point Doom versus anywhere else.
00:44:15Yeah.
00:44:16So, if I'm...
00:44:17If I'm a teenager from Sherman Oaks...
00:44:20And I come to Point Doom with a boogie board
00:44:23and a fucking radio and all this shit,
00:44:26what's gonna happen to me from teenage Sean Penn?
00:44:28Well, it's better to be a teenager
00:44:30because we're gonna be a group
00:44:32that's gonna intimidate your way.
00:44:34Yeah.
00:44:34If you're a big guy,
00:44:36you're gonna meet my wrist rocket slingshot
00:44:38from the back.
00:44:39What's a wrist rocket slingshot?
00:44:41And you're gonna paddle all the way to Zuma
00:44:42while we go Molotov cocktail your van.
00:44:45You'd Molotov cocktail their van?
00:44:47One time, yeah.
00:44:48One time?
00:44:49Yes.
00:44:49That's great.
00:44:50That's extreme.
00:44:51Did that feel strange?
00:44:53Or was it like another day at the beach?
00:44:56Well, it seems kind of reckless now.
00:45:09But at that time,
00:45:11and this wouldn't have been the priority concern
00:45:13that I was just expressing,
00:45:15at that time, LASO, L.A. County Sheriff,
00:45:19when they got out of the jail,
00:45:22they could jail the academy,
00:45:25then they'd do jail time as guards.
00:45:27Okay.
00:45:28Then they can hit the street.
00:45:29Right.
00:45:29When they're gonna hit the street,
00:45:31they can put their area they'd like to work at,
00:45:33one, two, and three.
00:45:34Yeah, yeah, yeah.
00:45:35And at that time,
00:45:36they could put their neighborhood.
00:45:38Corruption things and strange things.
00:45:40Yeah.
00:45:41Made that change.
00:45:42They can't work their neighborhood anymore.
00:45:45And so, normally,
00:45:47one of the deputies that we would encounter
00:45:50was the big brother of one of us.
00:45:53Oh.
00:45:54And so that allowed for more...
00:45:57Molotov cocktail bombings.
00:46:00That's fantastic.
00:46:02Did you go to school?
00:46:07Did you...
00:46:08I didn't...
00:46:08Was this in the midst of, like, some normal...
00:46:12Very sincerely,
00:46:13I...
00:46:14If I ever regret in life,
00:46:15it's that I ever went to school
00:46:16because I was not at all ready for,
00:46:18or interested in structured learning
00:46:20until I was...
00:46:2219 or 20.
00:46:23Yeah.
00:46:24And I feel like a lot of youth was left on a,
00:46:27you know,
00:46:28behind a chain link fence in a room
00:46:30with somebody who wasn't interesting to me
00:46:31talking in the...
00:46:32A hundred percent.
00:46:33I felt the same way.
00:46:34I wanted to be anywhere but school.
00:46:36Do you feel that way?
00:46:37Do you feel stuck behind a chain link fence?
00:46:39Well, now, school has just consumed my whole life.
00:46:42So, without school, I don't think I would have a whole life.
00:46:44So, I need it.
00:46:45I need it.
00:46:47What aspect of school consumes your whole life?
00:46:50Is it the social or the academic?
00:46:52Uh...
00:46:53I think it was the academic that, like, sucked me in,
00:46:56and then, like, the social that, like, made me stay.
00:47:00Interesting.
00:47:01Yeah.
00:47:02What age did you start acting?
00:47:03I have this notion of you and some other big actors
00:47:07being kid...
00:47:08being pretty young,
00:47:09making short films and getting into it.
00:47:11Yeah.
00:47:11Well, my younger brother started making movies
00:47:13with a neighbor kid named Charlie Sheen.
00:47:18And, uh...
00:47:20Before.
00:47:21Yeah, sure.
00:47:22Yeah.
00:47:24And, uh...
00:47:25And I didn't like...
00:47:26They started making movies
00:47:27because the magnetic strip had come out on...
00:47:30You get the Kodachrome for the day
00:47:31and the Ektachrome for night.
00:47:32You have exposure.
00:47:34And, um...
00:47:35I didn't like what they were putting the camera.
00:47:37So, I started, you know...
00:47:39Oh, yeah, yeah.
00:47:39Weighing in.
00:47:42And then, you had to, uh...
00:47:44We did a lot of night shooting,
00:47:46and you'd work off of the Ektachrome.
00:47:48You could work off of, like, storefront lighting
00:47:50on the streets, let's say, in Westwood or somewhere.
00:47:53Nice.
00:47:54But you had to cast it with people
00:47:56who didn't do homework
00:47:58because you'd shoot through the night.
00:48:00100%.
00:48:01So, well, that made me have to be in the movies
00:48:04I was composing the frame for.
00:48:05Right.
00:48:06And then I fell in love with it later.
00:48:08And between fighting and that...
00:48:10So, 17, I started acting.
00:48:12Oh, wow.
00:48:12I mean, not in those movies,
00:48:14but right after I graduated high school.
00:48:16So, you liked the lifestyle first,
00:48:18and then the crafters, that oversimplification.
00:48:21I started going to plays,
00:48:24and I felt a kind of confidence.
00:48:28Not that I...
00:48:29Same as today.
00:48:30Never so much about, like,
00:48:32that I was so good at it,
00:48:34but that I could be better
00:48:36than most of what I was watching.
00:48:38Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.
00:48:39And I liked the idea of...
00:48:40And then it just turned out...
00:48:42Of course, it was a pretty magic time
00:48:44because I graduated in 1978 at high school,
00:48:46so I was immediately looking at that,
00:48:49and if you look, you know,
00:48:50what was going on,
00:48:51and the cinema of my high school years
00:48:54and in that period of time, it was...
00:48:56You know, there was a nobility to acting at that time.
00:48:59Yeah.
00:48:59There were some really exciting inspirations,
00:49:04filmmaking and acting.
00:49:05I just want to say,
00:49:06I was in high school when I saw Dead Man Walking,
00:49:09and when you did not win the Academy Award for that,
00:49:12I decided that awards were bullshit
00:49:14because it was the best performance
00:49:15I had ever seen in anything.
00:49:18That movie is a knockout.
00:49:20And I...
00:49:23And I say that...
00:49:25I say that awards are bullshit fully
00:49:28at the same time asking for your consideration.
00:49:32We'd love that Emmy.
00:49:33But I want to thank you for being here.
00:49:36If you have...
00:49:37Do you have any pointers for a one-on-three fight?
00:49:41Eyes.
00:49:42Eyes?
00:49:43Yeah, take their eyes.
00:49:47Thank you, Sean.
00:49:50You know...
00:49:53Teens...
00:49:53Teens are always saying they want to be an adult.
00:49:55I want to be a grown-up.
00:49:56I want to be a grown-up.
00:49:57Well, I decided to show them
00:49:59what it's really like to be an adult.
00:50:02Please take a look.
00:50:04Follow me, youths.
00:50:06Come on.
00:50:08Welcome...
00:50:09to Teen Town.
00:50:17Mill about, everybody.
00:50:19Explore.
00:50:20That's right.
00:50:21In Teen Town,
00:50:23you'll have to do everything a grown-up does.
00:50:25Pay taxes.
00:50:26Turn down that second donut.
00:50:28Lend money to your wife's brother.
00:50:30Everything adult.
00:50:32Then why is it called Teen Town?
00:50:34Say again?
00:50:35Why is it called Teen Town?
00:50:36If we're learning to be grown-ups,
00:50:37why would teen be in the title?
00:50:42You got a nasty attitude.
00:50:44You get out of my town.
00:50:46Get him out of here.
00:50:47You didn't even do anything.
00:50:47That's right.
00:50:48That's scary.
00:50:49Oh, my God.
00:50:50You can't...
00:50:50Hi.
00:50:52I'm Richard.
00:50:53And I own the ice cream shop here in town.
00:50:57I'm hiring.
00:50:58Come on.
00:50:59Go introduce yourself, kids.
00:51:01He's an enterpriser.
00:51:02Come here.
00:51:03If you work at my ice cream parlor,
00:51:05I will pay you one coin.
00:51:08Like one coin an hour?
00:51:10No.
00:51:11Idiot.
00:51:12One coin.
00:51:14How much does rent cost to live here?
00:51:16Rent?
00:51:17That's a coin.
00:51:18How much is the food?
00:51:20One coin, right?
00:51:20One coin.
00:51:21One coin.
00:51:22So food and housing cost the same?
00:51:23Oh, hey, Richard.
00:51:24Tell me your Craig Bierko story.
00:51:26While the astronauts were up in space,
00:51:28they saw two things.
00:51:29The Great Wall of China
00:51:31and every acting choice Richard Kind ever made.
00:51:34Craig Bierko said that.
00:51:36Is any other place hiring that pays more money?
00:51:39There's no way to make more than one coin.
00:51:41Okay?
00:51:41Unless you're related to the person
00:51:43that invented the whole coin system in the first place.
00:51:45You invented the system.
00:51:46Yeah, and you're not my son.
00:51:48Kid's an asshole.
00:51:50Look, everyone!
00:51:51It's the Teen Town Cemetery!
00:51:55Oh, my God!
00:51:57This is your grave.
00:51:59No, it's not.
00:51:59Yes, it is.
00:52:00Because it says,
00:52:01Here lies red shirt.
00:52:03Oh.
00:52:04It's a full Scrooge-ing.
00:52:05Your head's probably spinning.
00:52:07What could I have done differently
00:52:09so that I won't end up one day with a grave?
00:52:11Well, you could have been sweet to me.
00:52:13You could have said you liked my interview with John Cale.
00:52:16Don't know who that is.
00:52:17Who is that?
00:52:18Well, that's part of the charm,
00:52:19is that he's someone you don't normally see interviewed.
00:52:21Dude!
00:52:21Is Seymour about to charm?
00:52:23Yeah, but don't give him any attention.
00:52:25He does this all the time.
00:52:26You know, this is the end.
00:52:27No one likes me.
00:52:28My career's not going anywhere.
00:52:30I'm like, come on, Jesus.
00:52:30How many times do we have to have these phone calls?
00:52:32Okay, this place sucks.
00:52:34Shut up.
00:52:34Hey, everyone, shut the fuck up.
00:52:36The mayor is coming.
00:52:39Greetings, your honor, Mayor Mandel.
00:52:43Wait, isn't that the warm-up coming from your show?
00:52:46Why, yes, it is.
00:52:47And in Teen Town, we all have a past.
00:52:50Yeah.
00:52:50Now, I see we have some new townspeople
00:52:53looking to join our bustling community.
00:52:58Who will I be speaking to today?
00:53:00Come on, go ahead.
00:53:02Shine the mayor's shoe and ask him for an apartment.
00:53:05What?
00:53:06You have to ask the mayor for an apartment, like all adults do.
00:53:09And please, throw in a...
00:53:11Please, Mayor Mandel, I'm down bad.
00:53:14Mayor Mandel, I need a place to stay.
00:53:17What are you looking at?
00:53:19We're a gang.
00:53:20To live in Teen Town, you have to pay the price.
00:53:22Oh, fuck, oh, fuck, oh, fuck, oh, fuck.
00:53:24Man, nobody's playing along with this.
00:53:25No, no, no.
00:53:26This is not part of the sketch.
00:53:27This is real shit right now.
00:53:28Please get help.
00:53:29Please get...
00:53:29Okay, okay.
00:53:30Fucking...
00:53:31I'm not looking at your face.
00:53:32Mr. Mayor, I'm in a bad way with this gang.
00:53:34They're saying I owe more coins than I've ever seen.
00:53:36Burn down the ice cream parlor for the insurance money.
00:53:39Hey, hey, man, it seems like you're going through a lot right now.
00:53:42I got an election next week.
00:53:43I can't be involved with this, man.
00:53:45But, hey, God bless you, man.
00:53:47Don't hurt me.
00:53:49Ow.
00:53:50Ow.
00:53:51What's crazy is that after they do this to him, he'll still owe them the money.
00:53:55Ow.
00:53:55You know, growing up ain't easy.
00:53:59And that's why you got to learn a lesson or two here in Goodtown.
00:54:06Ow, God help me.
00:54:07You got yourself into this.
00:54:13Welcome back.
00:54:14Welcome back.
00:54:15We got a lot of show coming up, including my fight with three 14-year-olds.
00:54:23But first, featuring Fred Armisen on drums, Slater-Kinney, everybody.
00:54:28Thank you.
00:54:28Thank you.
00:54:33Lookin' out a dirty old window
00:54:37Outside the cars and the city go rushing by
00:54:42I sit here alone and I wonder why
00:54:49Friday night and everyone's moving
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