- 18 hours ago
The Abbott And Costello Show 1940-1949 Old Time Radio. This is a collection of radio episodes from the legendary comedy team of Bud Abbott and Lou Costello.
Category
😹
FunTranscript
00:11C-A-M-E-L-S
00:14That's right, folks.
00:15C for comedy.
00:16A for Abbott.
00:18M for Maxwell.
00:19E for Ennis.
00:21L for Lou Costello.
00:23Put them all together and they spell...
00:24Camel!
00:27Experience is the best teacher.
00:30Try a camel.
00:31Let your own experience tell you why more people are smoking camels than ever before.
00:35And draw up a chair for tonight's camel show starring Bud Abbott and Lou Costello.
00:53Hey, Costello.
00:54Hey, Costello.
00:57Costello, come over here.
00:58Hey, by the way, what were you doing at Universal International Studios this morning?
01:02Oh, I had to take my pet flies over there.
01:04You took flies to a picture studio?
01:05What for?
01:06To get them a screen test?
01:07I, I...
01:09You idiot.
01:10Who was that red-headed...
01:12Hey, Lou.
01:13Who was that red-headed girl that was with you?
01:15Oh, she's been chasing after me for years, Abbott.
01:18I call her Pilot Light.
01:19Pilot Light?
01:20Yeah, she's an old flame that stayed lit.
01:23But she's a lovely girl, Abbott.
01:25She's very social.
01:26Does she have a...
01:28Does she have good connections, Lou?
01:30I beg your pardon?
01:30Does she have good connections?
01:31Well, she never fell apart while I was with her.
01:33No, no, no.
01:35I'm talking about her connections.
01:37What does...
01:38Her associates.
01:39Does she belong to the Junior League?
01:41Belongs to the Junior League?
01:42No, she belongs to the Coast League.
01:45She used to pitch for the San Francisco Seals.
01:47God.
01:48I still, I'm talking about the Junior League.
01:51Society.
01:51Has she come out yet?
01:53Has she made her day boo?
01:55Her what?
01:55Her day boo?
01:56Oh, sure.
01:57Every time she comes out, day boo.
02:00Day boo, all right.
02:01They say boo.
02:02Give me the house.
02:04All right, all right.
02:04Hey, but she's very...
02:05She's very high tone, Abbott.
02:06What do you mean?
02:06She was born in the south of England.
02:08Oh, I see.
02:09Her family came from Wales.
02:10Her family came from Wales?
02:11Yes.
02:12I thought her conversation sounded a little fishy.
02:14Oh, talk sense.
02:16Talk sense, please.
02:17Wales is part of England.
02:19That means they're English people.
02:21Now, what does her father do, Lou?
02:22He's got a big diplomatic job with a bakery.
02:24A diplomatic job in a bakery?
02:26Yeah, in Helms Bakery.
02:27He's a British advisor to the English crumpets.
02:30All right.
02:33Forget about her father.
02:34What does she do?
02:36What does she do?
02:37Yes.
02:37Well, she weighs 250 pounds, and she's got a big job as a sand hog.
02:40Now, how could a woman be a sand hog?
02:42She sits around the beach all day and hogs the sand.
02:45Sounds like quite a family.
02:46Are they wealthy?
02:47Wealthy?
02:48Abbott, they got a chateau in France, a villa in Switzerland, a castle in Spain, and a hacienda
02:51in Mexico.
02:52Where do they live?
02:53In a Quonset hut in Glendale.
02:56Now, Castell, you're wasting your time with these people.
02:59Why don't you get yourself a good job?
03:01I had a good job once, Abbott.
03:02I worked for a foot doctor.
03:03I used to put birdseed in people's shoes.
03:05Birdseed in people's shoes?
03:06Sure, that keeps their pigeon toes away from their corn.
03:10Castell, please.
03:15Look, Castell, I'm only trying to help you.
03:21Look, why don't you listen to me?
03:22You can change.
03:22I used to be dumb like you once.
03:24I was ignorant, stupid, and ugly.
03:26And do you know what caused the change?
03:29What changed?
03:30I, uh...
03:32Castell, I'm...
03:32There must be somewhere to get you a job.
03:35Wait a minute.
03:35I've got it.
03:36I'll speak to Harry Ridhoff about you.
03:38Wait a minute.
03:38Better still, I'll have my brother get you a job where he works, at the nut and bolt factory.
03:42Your brother works in a nut and bolt factory?
03:44Yes.
03:44What's he doing there?
03:45Nothing.
03:45Nothing?
03:46You just said he's working.
03:47He is working.
03:48Doing what?
03:48Nothing.
03:49And he gets paid for doing nothing?
03:50Oh, certainly.
03:51Abbott, if I get a good job at the nut and bolt factory, what would I be doing?
03:54Nothing.
03:54Now you're talking.
03:55That's the kind of job I want.
03:57Are you idiots?
03:58Nutting is hard work.
03:59My brother puts in eight hours a day, five days a week.
04:03Doing nothing?
04:04That's right.
04:05Look, Abbott, your brother works in the nut and bolt factory.
04:06Yes.
04:07Are you sure he don't do nothing besides nothing?
04:09Well, sometimes he works in the foundry department.
04:12Then he forges steels.
04:13How do you like that?
04:14He ain't satisfied getting paid for doing nothing.
04:16Now he forges and steals.
04:19Abbott, your brother is a crook.
04:20He is not a crook.
04:21Definitely.
04:22He's worked hard all his life.
04:24Before he worked in the nut and bolt factory, he worked in a rope factory.
04:27What's he doing in a rope factory?
04:28Nothing.
04:28Well, that's different.
04:29I mean...
04:31Wait a minute.
04:32Wait a minute.
04:32What did you say he was doing in a rope factory?
04:34Nutting.
04:35Nutting.
04:35This guy's been getting away with murder.
04:37So far, he's had two jobs up to now.
04:39He's been doing nothing and nothing.
04:41Costello, listen to me, and I'll try to explain it so that even you can understand.
04:44The rope factory makes tennis nets.
04:46What?
04:47Nets.
04:47Nets.
04:48And nets to you, too.
04:49Now, listen, you idiot.
04:50My brother made tennis nets.
04:53The nets are tied together with nuts, and my brother does nutting.
04:56Just a second, Abbott.
04:57When did your brother start nutting?
04:59Nutting?
04:59Oh, about three years ago.
05:01And what's he doing now?
05:02I told you, nutting.
05:03Look, up to now, you told me less than that.
05:05You said your brother did nutting for three years, and now he's doing nutting.
05:08When is he going to start doing something?
05:09He is doing something.
05:10What?
05:11Nutting.
05:11Nutting is something?
05:12Really?
05:13Well, Abbott, one of us is nuts.
05:15Look, don't your brother get tired of doing nothing?
05:17Oh, of course.
05:18When he gets tired, he takes a vacation.
05:19What does he do on his vacation?
05:21Nothing.
05:24Now, there is a pretty picture.
05:25This guy does nothing for three years, but doing nothing is too tough for him, so he gets
05:28a new job doing nothing.
05:30Then he gets tired of doing nothing, so he takes a vacation and does nothing.
05:32Now you've got it.
05:33Well, if I got it, I caught it from you.
05:49Pastello, it's time for you to start thinking of the future.
05:51Why don't you get a good job?
05:52Be industrious.
05:53Keep your nose to the grindstone.
05:55Save your money, and in ten years, you can retire, and you won't have to work, Lou.
05:59Why should I go through all that?
06:00I'm not working now.
06:03I don't believe you ever had a job.
06:04Oh, a guy's a sucker to work, Abbott.
06:06All you've got to do is go on one of those quiz programs.
06:08The other night, my Aunt May won $9,000 in cash, a refrigerator, two washing machines,
06:12and a brand new house.
06:13Boy, that's wonderful.
06:14Yeah, and she was one of the losers.
06:18Pastello, please.
06:19Aren't you interested in bettering yourself?
06:22Why don't you find an honest job?
06:24What, and quit radio?
06:25I don't.
06:27Why don't you look at the ads in the paper and find a job for yourself?
06:30Oh, I got a job all picked out, Abbott.
06:31You have?
06:32I saw an ad in the funny papers.
06:33It said sell 24 bottles of Chief Schmoe's spot remover and get a magic lantern free.
06:37I can also win the $500 grand prize by selling 175 million bottles.
06:42Oh, Costello, there are only 130 million people in the United States.
06:45So what?
06:46I got friends in Mexico.
06:49Well, now, wait a minute.
06:50Selling spot remover is better than doing nothing at all.
06:53Come on.
06:53Let's go over and see this Chief Schmoe.
07:03Well, here it is, Costello.
07:04See the sign on the door?
07:06Chief Schmoe's Indian Remedy Company.
07:08Spot remover, Indian tonic, scalp treatments, and Tommy Hawk sharpener.
07:12Yeah.
07:12Well, come on.
07:13Let's go in.
07:14Well, good morning, gentlemen.
07:16As the Santa Fe train said to the freight train, I am the chief.
07:22Costello, hey, this guy don't look like an Indian to me.
07:26Sure he is.
07:26I can tell by the way he's dressed.
07:28He's wearing a narrow collar and a bow tie.
07:30Get it?
07:31Bow and arrow.
07:32Get your catchers from it, Abbott.
07:33I'm pitching them in there tonight.
07:35Quiet, Costello.
07:36Quiet.
07:37Uh, Chief Schmoe, my friend Costello read your ad in the funny papers, and he'd like to
07:42try selling your spot remover.
07:43Well, to be a Chief Schmoe salesman, Costello, you'll have to have fire in your voice.
07:48You've got to glow with feeling blazed with personality.
07:51What do you want, a salesman or a blowtorcher?
07:53Chief, do you think Costello can handle his job?
07:55Costello, we'll have to fill out this application form.
07:58I'll read the questions, and when they apply to you, just answer yes.
08:01Were you a college graduate?
08:03Were you a high school graduate?
08:05Were you a grammar school graduate?
08:07Were you born?
08:09Well, I'll turn the form over on the other side and see if it goes any lower.
08:18Costello, our personnel is highly restricted, specially selected.
08:21We demand the highest qualifications.
08:24What makes you think you can be a Chief Schmoe salesman?
08:26When I saw your ad in the funny papers.
08:29Oh, good.
08:29For a while, I didn't think you had the qualification.
08:32Now, before you go out to sell Chief Schmoe's spot remover,
08:35I want to give you a few pointers about being a door-to-door salesman.
08:39I don't want to be a door salesman.
08:40Who wants to sell doors?
08:41I want to sell spot remover.
08:43No, young man, when I say you sell door-to-door, I don't mean you sell doors.
08:47I mean that you sell spot remover, even though you're selling door-to-door.
08:51How do you like that?
08:52Now the Indians aren't doing our routine.
08:56Now, Costello, when a housewife tries to slam the door on you,
08:59make sure your foot is in the way.
09:01But my foot might get hurt.
09:04In your case, stick your head in the door.
09:08Now, here's your 24 bottles of spot remover in your sample case.
09:11Sell these and you get the magic lantern.
09:14Now, wait a minute.
09:14Let me get this right, Chief.
09:15If Costello sells the 24 bottles in one day,
09:18he not only gets the magic lantern, but also a special prize?
09:21That is correct.
09:22This week, we have a very valuable prize.
09:24A genuine 12-foot pole.
09:2712-foot pole?
09:28What's that for?
09:29That's for girls you can't touch with a 10-foot pole.
09:33Get going and sell that spot remover.
09:37Hey, Costello.
09:39There's a woman right over there, Costello.
09:41Why don't you make her your first customer?
09:43Okay, that's a good idea.
09:44Pardon me, miss.
09:45Well, if it isn't Mr. Orbit and Mr. Costello,
09:49you fart, little man, you...
09:52Costello is selling spot remover.
09:56Oh, fine.
09:57I'd love to patronize him, but I'm very busy.
10:00I'm on my way to Om G. Om Studios.
10:03Om G. Om Studios?
10:06Why, Abbott, you heard of Om G. Om Studios.
10:09That's where they make poochers with Clark Goobel,
10:13Luna Tuner, and Mookie Rooney.
10:18Did you ever...
10:20Yes, yes, I did.
10:22Did you ever opt at Om G. Om with sponsor Trucy?
10:25No, but I was a cooboy at Republic with Rui Ruges.
10:37Well, I must be toadling along.
10:39As we say in Norwegian,
10:44And a wad of busted bubblegum and a kisser to you, too.
10:51Hiya, fellas.
10:52Well, it's goody and it's goody.
10:54Costello is selling spot remover.
10:55Would you like to buy some?
10:56No, thanks.
10:57I don't need any.
10:58Oh, you don't, eh?
10:59You certainly do.
10:59Look at the stains on your necktie.
11:01I can tell everything you had for lunch.
11:02Shrimp, clam chowder, lamb chops, and coffee.
11:04Why, there's only one clean spot on your whole necktie.
11:07I know.
11:07I'm saving that for dessert.
11:10Never mind him, Costello.
11:11Hey, look.
11:11Here comes Marilyn Maxwell.
11:13Oh, Lewis, the most wonderful thing has happened.
11:15I've just been chosen California's queen of the orange groves.
11:18Marilyn, can I be your smudge pot?
11:23Oh, Lewis, you're so cute.
11:25Marilyn, can I come over to your house tonight?
11:27Not tonight, Lewis.
11:27I'm washing my dog.
11:29How about tomorrow night?
11:30Well, tomorrow night I'm taking my dog to the dog show.
11:33How about Saturday night?
11:34Saturday night I'm busy.
11:36What's your dog doing?
11:43Uh, Marilyn, Costello is selling spot remover.
11:46Would you like to buy a bottle?
11:47Well, is it any good?
11:49Oh, sure.
11:50That's my line.
11:50Certainly it's good.
11:51I'll show you.
11:52Oh, there's a little spot on your dress.
11:54Now I soak my handkerchief with a spot remover and rub it on your dress.
12:00Don't just stand there, rabbit.
12:02Throw a blanket around her.
12:05Lewis, you ruined my dress.
12:06Goodbye.
12:07Well, Costello, you certainly lost Marilyn for a customer.
12:10Well, come on.
12:10Let's go in here to Mrs. Wetwash's house.
12:14Oh, hello, Mr. Abbott.
12:16Oh, my.
12:17I wonder who left that garbage can on my front stool.
12:21Oh, pardon me.
12:22That's Costello.
12:30Oh, Mrs. Wetwash, we don't want to bother you if you have company.
12:34Company?
12:34Well, I'm here all alone.
12:35Then who are those two people looking over your shoulder?
12:37Oh, pardon me.
12:38That's your ears.
12:41Quiet, Costello.
12:43Quiet, quiet.
12:44Mrs. Wetwash, Costello's selling spot remover.
12:47What?
12:48What is that?
12:48He's selling spot remover.
12:50Selling it?
12:50Yeah.
12:50You ought to drink something.
12:53Drink spot remover?
12:55Spot remover?
12:56Oh, I thought you said pot remover.
13:04Now, get out of here before I slam the door on you.
13:06Come on, Costello.
13:07Come on.
13:08Okay.
13:09No, no, we can't.
13:10Remember what Chief Schmo said?
13:11If a woman tries to close the door, stick your head in it.
13:14Go ahead.
13:14Slam the door, Mrs. Wetwash.
13:15All right.
13:19Mrs. Wetwash, you've slammed the door on Costello's head.
13:22Oh, my poor little man.
13:24I'll buy all your spot remover.
13:25Every bottle.
13:26I'll stroke your head until the swelling goes down,
13:28and then I'll put my arms around you.
13:30Connor, you close to me, and I'll kiss you, and kiss you, and kiss you, and kiss you.
13:35Costello, can you hear me?
13:37Yes.
13:38Slam the door on my head again.
13:46Well, Costello, you sold all the spot remover.
13:52Now, let's go into here to Chief Schmo's office and give him the money and get your magic lamp.
13:56Good morning.
13:57Who do you wish to see?
13:59I'd like to see Chief Schmo.
14:00I'm sorry.
14:01He's busy now.
14:02He's holding a pow-wow.
14:03A what?
14:03Pow-wow.
14:04Pow-wow.
14:05Pow-wow.
14:06I can't hear you.
14:06There's a dog barking somewhere.
14:08Quiet, Costello.
14:09Here comes the Chief.
14:10Ah, gentlemen, as Michelangelo said to Venus de Milo, I see your back.
14:17Costello sold all the spot remover, Chief, and he's here to get his magic lantern.
14:21What?
14:21He sold all that junk?
14:22I mean that spot remover?
14:24Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah.
14:25Well, as Lippy DeRocha said when speaking of his new bride, what a day.
14:33And as Lippy DeRocha said to Happy Chandler, what?
14:37A year?
14:45If you don't mind, Chief, just give Costello's magic lantern and we'll be going.
14:49Ah, that's not so fast, boys.
14:50By selling that spot remover, Costello was only qualified for the magic lantern.
14:54Now all he has to do is help me sell 980 bottles of Schmo's Indian water.
14:59I can sell anything.
15:01I even sold insurance.
15:02I sold Lana Turner some sweater insurance.
15:04I sold Dorothy Lamar some sarong insurance.
15:06I even sold Gypsy Rose Lee insurance, too.
15:09Wait a minute.
15:10What did Gypsy Rose Lee have insured?
15:12These Indians lead shelter's lives, don't they?
15:16She took full coverage.
15:20Wait a minute.
15:20Why should this boy have to sell 980 bottles of Schmo's Indian water?
15:24Chief, this sounds like a shady deal.
15:27Mr. Abbott, there's $50 in it for you if you can get Costello to help me.
15:30Oh, that's different.
15:32Uh, Costello, I think it's a splendid idea.
15:35Wait a minute, Abbott.
15:35Now, now, now.
15:36Wait a minute.
15:37You just said it was a shady deal.
15:38The smog cleared up pretty fast, didn't it?
15:42Chief, what does this, uh, what does this Indian water do?
15:45Schmo's Indian water is the elixir of youth.
15:47It takes years off your life.
15:49Why, Al Jolson took one teaspoonful, and do you know what happened?
15:52Larry Parks.
15:57Here, come with me.
15:58Come into the laboratory and meet the Indians who make Schmo's Indian water.
16:02This is our head chemist.
16:04Me, big brave.
16:05We're Abbott and Costello.
16:06Do you ever listen to our radio program?
16:08Me, not that brave.
16:12Mr. Brave, brave.
16:14I dabble in chemistry myself.
16:15Listen to this.
16:16H2O2S3.
16:17What's that?
16:17Ethyl alcohol.
16:19Then there's H1SSO5.
16:20What's that?
16:21Ethyl chloride.
16:22Then there's HI2183.
16:23What's that?
16:24Ethyl Schultz.
16:24That's her phone number.
16:27If a man etches, that's the wrong formula.
16:30Now, this is where we make the famous Schmo's Indian water that brings back youth.
16:34This big Indian fills that pot with herbs.
16:37His squaw stirs the mixture all day long.
16:39And at night, when it's finished, elixir.
16:43Elixir?
16:45Elixir?
16:46Now, there's gratitude for you.
16:47The poor squaw sits all day over a hot fire stirring that pot.
16:50Then at night, this Indian comes along and gives her a beating.
16:52What are you talking about?
16:54I'm going to report this to the police habit.
16:55Beating that poor woman.
16:57Costello, nobody's getting a beating.
16:58He just said a squaw stirs the pot all day.
16:59Then at night, this Indian comes along and he licks her.
17:02What's wrong with that?
17:03What's wrong with it?
17:04Nobody's going to hit the squaw when I'm around.
17:05If he licks her tonight, I'll have to lick me.
17:07He'll have to lick me, too.
17:08Well, look, when he says elixir, he don't mean he licks her.
17:11He means elixir.
17:12And elixir is a name.
17:13Oh, why don't you say so?
17:14I know her very well.
17:14She works for Warner Brothers.
17:15Who works for Warner Brothers?
17:16Elixir Smith.
17:17Oh, you idiot.
17:19This elixir's a tonic.
17:20It makes you feel young.
17:21It's a pick-me-up.
17:23It's a what?
17:23Pick-me-up.
17:24Okay.
17:25Put me down, you idiot.
17:26You just asked me to pick you up.
17:27I did not.
17:28I said pick me up.
17:29Now put me down.
17:31But make up your mind.
17:34Well, gentlemen, we're ready to go.
17:36Hop into the truck and we'll make our pitch in an empty lot
17:38and sell the 980 bottles of Schmoe's Elixir of Life.
17:47Hey, Costello, Costello.
17:49Look at the crowds of the people coming to buy
17:51Chief Schmoe's Elixir of Youth.
17:53Go ahead and make your pick.
17:54Okay.
17:55Hiya, babe.
17:56Gee, you're cute.
17:57What are you doing tonight?
18:00Uh-oh.
18:01Wrong pitch.
18:02Wrong pitch.
18:02Boys, boys, I'll make the pitch.
18:05And Costello.
18:06Yes?
18:07Costello, you sell the medicine.
18:08And remember, back up everything I say.
18:10Yes, remember that, Costello.
18:11Well, anything the chief says, you back him up.
18:12I get it.
18:13Friends, I am Chief Schmoe.
18:14Anyone that drinks Schmoe's Indian water can be young forever.
18:17It takes years off your life.
18:19Look at me.
18:19I am 239 years old.
18:22I've been drinking this water since I was a young man.
18:25I've worn out four Schaefer Lifetime pants.
18:29Look at me.
18:31239 years old.
18:32Friends, the medicine is $1 a bottle.
18:34My assistant will pass among you.
18:36Go ahead, Costello.
18:37Okay.
18:38Schmoe's Indian water, $1 a bottle.
18:40How about you, lady?
18:41I'll take one.
18:42But, young man, is that Indian really 239 years old?
18:46You couldn't prove it by me, lady.
18:47I've only been with him 146 years.
18:51All right, you fat baker.
18:54I'm an officer of the law.
18:55How long did you say you were working for that Indian?
18:58I'm going to apply for the job tomorrow morning.
19:02That's enough of that.
19:03Into the patrol wagon with you.
19:04Ah, just a minute, officer.
19:05I'll vouch for my friend here.
19:06You see, Costello was told to say he was 146 years old.
19:09Well, Costello will be 146 years old by the time he gets out of jail.
19:13Into the patrol wagon with the both of you.
19:21Well, Costello, you certainly got us in a fine mess this time.
19:25Don't bore me out, Abbott.
19:26I've been through too much already.
19:27I'm tired and I'm thirsty.
19:29Thirsty?
19:30I know, I'll drink a couple of bottles of Chief Schmoe's elixir of youth.
19:34Costello.
19:35Costello.
19:36Don't drink that junk.
19:38That stuff is a...
19:39Costello, where are you?
19:42Here I am, Abbott, right here.
19:46Costello.
19:47Costello.
19:48I don't see you.
19:49All I see is a fat little boy.
19:51Abbott, that stuff works.
19:54The fat little boy is me.
19:58Costello, this is wonderful.
19:59They can't prosecute a child.
20:01When we get to the station house, I'll jump out of the patrol wagon and run.
20:05Then you, you, you turn...
20:06When I turn you loose, I mean you, come right home to here.
20:13Bye-bye, Abbott.
20:15All right, you crooks, come out of that wagon.
20:18There ain't no crooks in here, Mr. Prickman.
20:22Only with me.
20:25No!
20:26How many times have I told you kids not to hitch rides on the patrol wagon?
20:29Don't you know it's wrong to do a thing like that?
20:31Why?
20:32Why do you always do these things?
20:35Oh, I'm a bad boy!
20:38Come on!
20:39Come on!
20:40Come on!
20:41Come on!
20:42Come on!
20:42Come on!
20:43Come on!
20:43Come on!
20:43Come on!
20:43Come on!
20:43come on!
Comments